Chapter 6: Pain
"The Joys and the Sorrows of the world are better when shared."
Ned was grabbing articles out of his locker at a fast pace. He grabbed blindly, not wanting the thinking process slow him down. He had to get away from his locker. His locker was his own personal section of the school. It was his place of refuge. It was where he hoarded snacks for when lunch couldn't come fast enough. It was where he kept all his experimental tips. Right now, It was where Missy Meany was shamelessly flirting with him.
"What do you think of this shade of lipstick?" Missy asked, puckering suggestively. Ned thought it would look better in a different light, like total darkness.
"How about this top?" she asked, pulling it tighter across her chest. Ned thought it needed a little something, like a burlap sack.
"Are you doing anything tonight?" she asked. Ned was very sure he would be dead about then.
Before Missy could bring this conversation to its logical conclusion, Moze walked by them. She reached out and grabbed Ned by the collar and just kept walking.
"You're the best, Moze." said Ned, as he was dragged behind her.
"Shut up, and weigh less." she said moodily.
"At some point," Ms. Frizzle said to her class, "you are going to be in pain. I can give you my written guarantee of that." She brought up a diagram of a human body on her touch screen wall. The head of the body was highlighted. "Headaches are a common blight. The ones that aren't caused by brain cancer are just because you're dehydrated. Gatorade is a gift from Heaven for people with chronic migraines. If you don't have Gatorade, you can mix salt with water and Kool Aid powder. It's the same thing. The key is to restore your electrolyte imbalance."
"Another common bane at your age is muscle pains. Muscles always hurt when they grow and they grow from being used. A few of you are aware of this phenomenon. A few hours after practice is over and it feels like your whole body is on fire." she reached out to Ned. He gave her his hand. "You can alleviate the pain of the affected muscle by palpating it like this." She took the heel of her hand and rubbed circles into the soft tissue of Ned's forearm.
"Oh, that feels..."sighed Ned, contentedly.
"Yes, yes it does." said Ms. Frizzle. "For legal reasons, you are here by discouraged from massaging each other." she set Ned's now putty arm back down on his desk.
"Pain is the most capricious sense." she continued. "There are a host of seemingly unrelated things that can reduce pain. Listening to your favorite music has a soothing effect. Even if you like Death Metal, it will soothe you. Eating also reduces pain, especially if it's something sweet. Finally, my personal favorite, handling money."
"You can't hide back there forever." said Moze.
"Oh, yes I can." said Ned from his hiding spot behind the gym bleachers. Rather than face the machinations of Missy, he had tucked himself away in the most inaccessible place he could think of. Moze was standing in front of the bleachers, trying not to look like she was talking to herself.
"Why don't you just tell her you don't like her?" Moze asked.
"I have." came the response from the bleachers. "She has a crazy shield that repels reality. Why does she even like me anyway? I am not that attractive."
"You have your own appeal." Moze admitted.
"Really?" the bleachers asked.
"Sure." said Moze. There was quiet for a while.
"What is my appeal?" the bleachers asked. Moze didn't answer immediately.
"You have nice skin." she said finally.
"Oh," said the bleachers, expecting rather more. Moze felt a tad guilty. Ned was her friend. He deserved an honest evaluation. In fact, friendship being paramount, he deserved a well-padded evaluation. Awkwardness be damned.
"You're funny." she said after steeling herself. "You're a good cook. You'd do anything to help a friend. You're smart. You're nice to everyone, even if you don't like them. You're really cute-" she clamped her jaw shut as she heard herself say the last part. She had built up a full head of steam and gone too far. It was a mercy she had stopped herself before she commented on how he looked in a bathing suit.
"Oh, um...thanks." said the bleachers. "So, if I had acne, burnt food, and was mean to people, then Missy wouldn't come near me." the bleachers suggested.
"I certainly wouldn't." said Moze. They both laughed.
"Hey," said the bleachers, "how are things with Faymen?"
"Oh, well, still no fireworks." Moze confessed.
"Maybe someone can give him lessons." the bleachers joked.
"There's an idea." said Moze.
"Who do you know who's a good kisser?" the bleachers asked. Moze knew that before she answered that, she would drop dead. As it happened, she didn't have to answer.
The doors of the gym burst open and a pack of bloodhounds ran inside the gym. Missy came in right behind them. The pack made a bee line for the bleachers and crawled into the crevices. Ned Bigby was pulled out of the far end of the bleachers by an excessively slobbery hound who had his teeth clenched on Ned's collar.
"Hey, Ned." Missy said innocently.
"Hi Missy." said Ned as he wiped the drool off his neck.
"Want to walk me to my next class?" she asked.
"This class isn't over yet." said Ned.
"So, we'll have plenty of time to talk." said Missy. She grabbed his arm and pulled him to the door. She was blocked by Moze, who looked livid.
"Missy Meany," Moze said with conviction. "you have relentlessly disturbed our tranquility and unlawfully accosted a defenseless whelp." she pulled a white glove out of her pocket and slapped Missy across her face. "I challenge you to a duel!"
"So, let's go over the rules." said Ms. Frizzle. She was monitoring the duel. She had dawned a somber black dress and top hat. She wasn't fully sure how she'd gotten roped into this, but she was dressed for the part. Moze and Missy stood on opposite sides of the gym. Each of them had a bucket full of water balloons.
"You each have a bucket of water balloons!" announced Ms. Frizzle. "Each balloon is filled with melted butter. The girl to remain standing after two minutes, wins. Begin!"
The girls pelted each other. There was butter flying everywhere. Both girls were coated in it and it was all over the floor. They were both steadily loosing traction.
"C'mon Moze!" shouted Ned. "Keep it up!"
By now, they were out of butter balloons. They were fighting to stay on their feet. Missy slipped and did a stunning back-flip before landing on the floor. She scrambled to stand up again, but she couldn't get any purchase on the slippery floor.
"Hah!" cried Moze. "What now? You got no-" and then she fell flat on her back. She hastily tried to right herself, but had as much luck as Missy. Both girls continued to flop around helplessly until...
"And Time!" shouted Ms. Frizzle. "We have a draw." she walked out to collect Missy while Ned handed Moze some towels. "I knew I should have given them the Tarantula launchers" Ms. Frizzle said to herself.
"So, let's go over the rules." said Ms. Frizzle. The results of a draw would never be tolerated in a duel. They were going into extra innings. They were in the basement this time. A water main had ruptured that morning and they were all waist deep in brackish water.
"Each of you have two buckets." Ms. Frizzle continued. "On the roof of the school are two kiddie pools. The red one with green flowers belongs to Moze. The black one with orange polka dots is Missy's. You are to take a bucket of water and pour it into your pool. At the end of one hour, the one with the most water in their pool wins. Go!"
Both girls dunked their buckets under water and headed up the stairs. Moze was taking the stairs to the roof in threes.
"Sweeney lied!" she yelled at nobody. "He told us iron was heavier than water! This stuff weighs three tons a drop!"
"Give it up Mosely!" yelled Missy from the lower landing.
"Never!" Moze grunted, and burst through the door to the roof. She ran to her kiddie pool with Missy charging up, right behind her. She dropped both her buckets into the pool and relished the absence of weight on her arms. She was enjoying a few cleansing breaths when she heard Missy's footsteps on the stairs back down. She grabbed her buckets and ran downstairs like the devil was at her heels.
Forty five minutes later, Ned and Ms. Frizzle were at the foot of the stairs. Every few seconds, a girl would run by carrying buckets of water. At this late stage in the duel, they looked like they could collapse at any minute. They were unsteady from exhaustion and more water had spilled on the floors than was getting to the roof. In spite of all this, they had looks of determination in their eyes that a tsunami couldn't deter.
"Moze," said Ned, as he and Ms. Frizzle followed her to the roof. "You don't need to do this. You're going to rupture something."
"That's nonsense." she groaned, in spite of the fact that she agreed with him entirely.
"This isn't worth it!" Ned said.
"I take people harassing my friend very personally." she responded. She emphasized the word 'friend' in a very odd way.
"You're going down Mosely!" Missy cried from down the stairs, catching up quickly.
Moze dashed up the remaining flights and kicked the door open. She stopped dead, looking outside. Missy came up behind her and dropped both buckets.
"Well, this is unfortunate." said Ms. Frizzle. It was pouring rain outside. Both kiddie pools were overflowing. Moze had a duck wadding in her pool.
"Ok, let's go over the rules." said Ms. Frizzle. They were in the library this time. Someone had called a duel, and there was going to be a clear winner if they all had to die trying. "You are each going to read this book." Ms. Frizzle held up a copy of The Sound and the Fury. "You have half an hour to read it entirely. They you have another ten minutes to complete a short test." She slapped down two binders on the desk. She tossed each girl a copy. "Go!"
Each girl started reading furiously. Moze's eyes were moving so quickly she was going to be the first person in history to have eye cramps. Missy was flipping pages so fast her fingertips had started bleeding.
"I can't think of anything I'd be willing to study that hard for." said Ned.
"iTeacher is gonna jump out of her screen when she sees this." Ms. Frizzle said, holding a video camera trained at the girls.
Half an hour later, Ms. Frizzle took the books away, surreptitiously putting Missy's in a biohazard bag. She handed them each the test and a pen. Ten minutes after that, she took the tests back. Moze desperately tried to hang on to hers.
"Ok," said Ms. Frizzle, "I have the results. Jennifer, out of a hundred questions you got none right and misspelled your name."
"Yes!" cried Missy, jumping up. "In your face Mosely!" Moze groaned and rubbed her eyes. Halfway through speed reading the book, everything started to go blurry. All she could make out of Ms. Frizzle was a red haze.
"Missy," said Ms. Frizzle, "your test was covered in blood and I couldn't grade it. My insurance won't even cover me anymore if I touch it."
"Fine!" Missy yelled, looking a little to close to deranged for comfort. "What do we do now?"
"I officially decree that I give up." said Ms. Frizzle. They were in the wood shop room now. Ned was tied down to the table in front of her. "Since all the duels ended in abysmal failure, I am going to interpret the will of the universe as you both have equal rights to Ned Bigby."
"We're going to share him?" Missy asked incredulously.
"Not exactly." said Ms. Frizzle producing a circular saw. "We're cutting him in half!" she said, laughing maniacally.
"Okay," said Moze passively.
"Wait!" shouted Ned, struggling uselessly against the restraints.
"Don't distract me, Ned." said Ms. Frizzle. "I want to do this in one cut."
"Stop!" said Missy. Ms. Frizzle turned off the saw. "Yes, Missy?" she said.
"I love Ned." she said. "I would rather give him up than let him die. Mosely can have him."
Ms. Frizzle looked appraisingly at Missy. "That is a very magnanimous gesture. Are you sure?" she asked.
"Yes." Missy nodded.
"Okay." said Ms. Frizzle. She gave one tug on Ned's restraints and they all came off. "Ned Bigby, you belong to Jennifer Mosely. I wish you all the happiness in the world."
Not wasting any time, he jumped off the bench, grabbed Moze's arm and pulled her out of the room.
"Hang on!" Missy shouted at Ms. Frizzle. "That wasn't supposed to happen."
"What do you mean?" asked Ms. Frizzle.
"You were supposed to let me have him because I cared enough to give him up if it meant saving him." Missy said, indignant.
"What you are referring to is the Judgement of Solomon." explained Ms. Frizzle. "This is the Judgement of Frizzle. The only similarity is that there's no appeal." and Ms. Frizzle left the room.
"I'm so sorry, Moze." Ned repented. He was in Moze's room. She was lying down on her bed, holding very still.
"It's not your fault." Moze groaned half-heartedly. She was in a world of hurt. She had bruises on every corner of her body from falling on the gym floor. Her muscles were screaming in pain from wear and tear she gave them carrying water buckets for an hour. Her eyes actually had cramps. Her brain even had cramps. Both of them from the blitz-cram.
"I brought you Death by Chocolate." Ned offered.
Moze opened her eyes to see a large mass of chocolaty goodness on her dresser.
"Thanks, Ned." she said. "Ms. Frizzle did say junk food eases pain." Ned let the junk food remark slide. "She said money helps, too. Feel free to start shoveling it into my room."
"Someday I will," he said, "to thank you for saving me."
He remembered there was one other thing Ms. Frizzle said would help, but had keenly discouraged. In spite of that, he couldn't stand to see her in pain. He reached out and took her arm tentatively and rubbed soothing circles into the soft tissue of her arm.
"Does that feel better?" he asked her.
"Oh, yes." Moze said relieved. The pain was actually ebbing away. In it's place was a blissful tingly sensation. That might have been more to do with the person touching her than his technique. The phrase 'Totally worth it!' echoed around in her mind.