Sorry it's been so long since an update. Life got in the way and I lost track of time. Please read and review :)
I wish I had more control over the things I do. That's not to say that I'm "out of control" I just wish I could learn to say no to people. And by people I mean Quinn. And by no I mean doing or saying anything beyond just nodding if she asked me to do something. If I could just do that, then maybe I could keep myself put together instead of falling victim to these random fits.
But I just can't deny her anything. Not when she looks at me with those big innocent hazel eyes so full of hope. So of course when she asked me to come with her to dinner with David and her parents I agreed, like a moron. I wish I could say this is unusual but it has become so common, I would be surprised if she started really taking my emotions into account. Even though she had this revelation a week ago about how I was "in love" with David, or at the very least had some issue that he seemed to trigger, she was more concerned about herself and nerves over this upcoming dinner. Sometimes I wonder if she just thinks I'm a much stronger person than I actually am or just doesn't even realize. It must be the latter. She would never do anything maliciously. The point is, when she calls me and asks me to chaperone this, I'm sitting in my living room in a new dress and hair and make-up that too long for this occasion, waiting for them to pick me up. David is driving me to the restaurant and she offered to swing by so I don't need to bother with paying for a cab. Wish I would have said no to that too.
I'm just trying to keep myself from entering this with an already sour attitude but that's sort of inevitable at this point. I'm just thinking about the conversations that are to be had tonight, all the warm smiles and jokes between Quinn's family and that asshole. Fuck, fuck, fuck. There's a soft knock at the door and groan inwardly.
When I open the door and Quinn is standing there in this beautiful green cocktail dress, I wish I could keep myself from looking her up and down. God, she's gorgeous. Her thighs are peaking out from the bottom hem and it hugs her in just the right places and for once she opted out of a sweater showing off her shoulders. And her eyes, damn, just the way her eyes glow accompanied by that dress and framed by her flowing blond locks. I really need to keep myself together right now.
She's biting her lip a little and sort of shifting her weight, "hi."
"Hi. Quinn you look amazing." I get out at best I can without being odd. She knows how beautiful I think she is but I feel far too revealing when I say things like that out loud. Like she'll know.
"Thanks," she blushes and pulls at the hem of her dress. She's so damn adorable. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah!" I grab my purse and head out the door. We walk in silence down the hall and when we're in the elevator she finally blurts out, "I'm really nervous."
"Why?"
She takes this deep breath and seems deep in thought for a moment. "When we had dinner last time, when you and I were fighting it went horribly, I was so distracted." I wish I could read her at moment like this. She's not looking at me, just staring straight ahead thinking.
"Quinn…" I grab her wrist and tug a little so she'll look at me. She's so vacant right now, it's so bizarre. Things don't usually affect her so much. Or when they do I am not completely aware of how they do. She doesn't talk about when she's feeling lost or melancholy or worried much. Not to me anyway.
"That's why I asked you to come. I need someone to be there to catch me if this goes to hell. I need you there so I'm not thinking about you the whole time." Damnit. Damn her and these words she says. I can never detach myself from her the way I should when she does this to me. She smiles a little at me and I let go of her wrist as the door to the elevator opens.
Fuck.
By the time we're half way through the meal, Russell and David are having an in depth discussion of the upcoming football season and I'm considering the easiest way to sneak out of here. I wonder if there are windows in the bathroom that would be easy to shimmy out of, this dress be damned. Judy is eyeing me suspiciously and pokes my leg under the table so no one will notices. I whip my head around to look at her next to me and she looks at my plate to direct my attention. I've been playing with my potatoes like a 5-year-old and they're in an elaborate design on my plate. I put my fork down and blush profusely.
"You okay?" she speaks softly to me so no one else at the table jumps in on us. Not that that is even remotely possible. Russell and David are so engrossed in their conversation, with Quinn supervising, I could have literally stood up and left and they probably wouldn't have noticed.
"Yeah. Sorry. Just fidgety."
"You've been quiet all night. That's not like you."
"This isn't really about me tonight."
"Oh please, we're just having a friendly dinner. Not everything is about that boy." I look across the table at Quinn smiling and laughing leaning into David. He's absolutely attractive, with his wide grin, perfectly tended to brunette hair and tailored suit. He almost reminds me of Jesse St. James. Only more of an ass.
"Right."
"Don't let some boy become the two of you. Quinn told me about what happened last week."
"And yet here I sit." She squeezes my shoulder a little and I look back at her and she is giving me this concerned and supportive gaze. It must be a Fabray thing.
"No matter what happens with that boy, it doesn't change how much she loves you." Oh how wise but how wrong Judy Fabray is. At least she's a bit less clueless than Quinn. "She was a mess at dinner that night. She just sat there staring at her food and wouldn't talk to anyone."
"Excuse me." I push out my chair and beeline for the restroom. As soon as I get the door shut I lock it and lean my weight against it. I don't need to hear how much she cares about me. Hell, I would rather someone just say, 'you know Quinn doesn't care what you do, why are you here?' so I could just go home. But nope, can't do that, because Quinn has to have her hand in everything and keep an eye on me while simultaneously presenting her boyfriend like he's some fucking trophy that her parents should praise her for.
It's my fault though. If I wasn't on these extreme highs and lows constantly she wouldn't need to babysit me. Let's be honest, that's all this is really, her keeping an eye on me so she knows I'm not angry with her.
I'm splashing water on my face to calm myself down. I can do this. Come on Rachel, you have performed for thousands of people, perform for these 4 for another fifteen minutes. Someone knocks on the door and I wonder how long I've been in here ruminating. I whip the door open and of course Quinn is standing there.
"You disappeared."
"Sorry, it's all yours." I brush past her, heading for the table.
"Are you okay?" she calls after me before I'm too far away. I stop and turn to face her. She just stares at me emotionlessly. I'm not starting a fight. Not now. But I'm so tired of putting all of my energy into her. I don't reply. I go back to the table and sit and make it though dessert like the perfect guest.
As we are all leaving, Russell suggests we all go back to their hotel for some drinks at the fabulous bar on the roof. David immediately agrees for both he and Quinn apparently. I decline, making up a lame excuse about an early meeting. Honestly, I'm moments away from running down the street to get out of this and crawling into bed.
"Oh, well lets at least give you a lift home," Quinn offers.
"No it's out of your way, I don't mind taking a cab."
"What are you talking about? It's not even that far."
"I can take care of myself, Quinn. It was nice seeing you Mr. and Mrs. Fabray. Bye David." They all say goodbye to me, except for Quinn. She's staring at me the same way she did outside the restroom. I turn on my heel and hail a cab. Once I slip in I smile and wave as we drive past them on the street and as soon as I'm out of their line of sight I slump down. God, give me strength to say no to Quinn Fabray and stop doing this to myself.
Who am I kidding? I'd be at this every week if she asked.