3 weeks. 21 days. 504 hours.
I don't care enough for math to crunch numbers beyond that. I haven't seen Quinn in weeks. Haven't spoken to her either. It hasn't been entirely intentional. My latest production is going to premiere soon and rehearsals have been atrocious. I barely have time to eat let alone catch up with Quinn. If I'm being honest with myself, it hasn't been all that terrible. I love my cast and crew and even though the director is trying like hell to be the death of me they have kept a smile plastered on my face. For right now, that limited interaction is enough for me, working borderline obsessively keeps me more level-headed than it probably should. With less time to let my mind wander, I feel so much more like myself.
I'm out to dinner with some of my fellow cast members when I get a text from Quinn: Are we still on for tomorrow night? Tomorrow night? I open my calendar and see this Friday marked with the opening of Once Was Love, the newest project a director friend of mine is working on. Quinn and I were supposed to go together. Okay, no big deal I just forgot. I send her an affirmative text try to reenter the conversation taking place at the table.
"Welcome back Rach." Michael's wide bright smile is grinning at me, he and I went through NYADA together and the rare occasion we are in the same production it is a special treat.
"Shut up Michael, if anyone is guilty of disengaging, it's you thanks to that silly girlfriend of yours." He laughed and slung his arm around my shoulder.
"So I'm a little pussy whipped. Since when is that a bad thing? I certainly do not hate it." At least he's got a legitimate reason to be so. I laugh along with him for a bit and he's focused back on me. "When am I going to meet your significant other? Hmm?"
"What are you talking about? I told you I'm not involved with anyone on several occasions now," I reply trying to disengage myself from him.
"Right, I don't believe you for a second. If you didn't your eyes wouldn't light up when you get text messages light like a minute ago."
"Oh right, you're delusional."
"Oh am I? So all the times I've seen you pick up your phone and your shoulders tense and you get a little smile playing on your lips, I've just been imagining it?"
I don't do that. "Do I?" I didn't mean to say it out loud but let's all be honest with each I pretty much only do things I don't mean to.
"So who are they?"
"No one."
"Come on Rach, level with me a little bit."
"They're…it's just a pipe dream. Don't wish, don't start right? I was never good at that mantra."
"For this long though? It's been years." I stare across the diner. Has it? Have I had this infatuation with her since even before we reconnected in person? After graduation we kept in contact. Text messages every once in a while, email, small things. Then when she graduated from Yale she moved to New York and we started having lunch once in a while, spending time together on the weekends, spending random weeknights together. I can easily trace where my heart went astray with her being physically affectionate and open around me, our late night talks about our dreams over wine. But was that really what did it? Or did I always feel these things for her? Maybe when we became better friends before she moved to the city? Or…high school? Was it high school? There was no way, she hated me and I cared about her but just because I admired her, I didn't want to see her life fall apart like it always seemed it was about to. Right?
"Shit." I groaned and leaned my head in my hands.
"What just happened? I'm scared." Michael joked and rubbed my back.
"Have you ever just realized something about yourself that you don't ever need to know and just makes everything infinitely more complicated? And you have to reevaluate a whole period of your life?" I look up at him and he's staring back at me with the most quizzical look.
"I have no idea what you're talking about" he laughed and I lean into him.
"Nevermind. Just lady problems." He holds me tight against him and rubs up and down my arm.
"You are a very complicated little lady Rachel Berry."
Five dresses. I'm going to an off-broadway play with my best friend, why the hell have I tried on five dresses? I hear a knock on the door and go to answer it. Quinn isn't supposed to be here this early, shit. I whip the door open and I remember why I'm no neurotic about what I'm going to wear. Then I quickly remember I am never going to look like anything in comparison to this woman. She's got her hair up and a simple white dress on with black straps and accents. She smiles at me a little amused and raises her eyebrow. Damn that eyebrow.
"I know I'm a bit early but I didn't mean to catch you at a bad time," she chuckles a little.
What? I look down at myself and realize I'm only in a bra and panties. Whoops.
"Sorry, I was just getting dressed. Come in." I step to the side and she makes her way into the kitchen and I see her grab a bottle of wine. I support this whole-heartedly.
"Don't worry about it, nothing I haven't seen before. Take your time. I'll pour you a glass?" I nod and go back to my room to finish getting ready.
When I come back out in my best little black dress she's glided her way into the living room playing with my stereo, Michael Bublé is playing softly. She catches me out of the corner of her eye and whips around.
"Hi!" she's grinning that grin that lights up a room, "you look beautiful!" I blush profusely and try to avoid looking at her as she grabs a full glass off the coffee table and hands it to me. I accept it and begin drinking it quickly. It doesn't last too long and I head into the kitchen to fill it up again and see she's already had a few glasses; the bottle is already over half gone. I peer back into the living room and watch her seated on the edge of the couch staring into her glass contemplatively. Anymore drinking tonight probably isn't the best idea so I set my glass down and go out to gather up Quinn.
"Ready to go?" she smiles up at me and nods.
We don't say much on the way. We are silent out of my building and in the cab. I never used to be so uncomfortable by the silences between us. It was always so comfortable to just be around her. We didn't need to be filling in the empty space with nonsense; we just needed to be in one another's presence. But now the foot between us in the back seat of the cab feels like miles. I know something must be going through her head but what? A quiet Quinn is a dangerous Quinn, always has been.
When we finally arrive and we're out on the street, I grab her wrist and make her look at me. "Is everything alright?" She's smiling at me again. I wish she could just use her words tonight. I am not good enough at this to decipher her many smiles. I'm searching her eyes and they're the same warm orbs I always fall into.
I feel her hand slip into mine. "You need to relax. Come on." She tugs me along to the theatre. That's not helping me Quinn!
The play was excellent. The parts I managed to pay attention to. Most of me was distracted by Quinn sitting next to me the whole time. The past three weeks I've been going so strong and focused on work, Quinn never really crossed my mind. The problem with sitting in a theatre where it felt like we were alone together and I had little to do but watch the actors, my mind decided to catch up on all the dwelling on this woman it missed out on.
What was that interaction earlier? I know I felt tension between us on the way here. Am I just making these things up in my head? She seems perfectly content as everything thing seems great as it has always been between us but she knows it's not, right? The last time I saw her she was watching me pour myself into a cab to get the hell away from her and we haven't spoken since. She's anything but dense. So why isn't she confronting me about anything? Does she still think I'm stuck on whatever I told her I need to work out? That must be it, she thinks I need space and she's giving it to me. Why can't I just go back to being normal with her? I'm the one tearing the huge void between us but it's the last thing I want.
When did the house lights come up? How long has Quinn been looking at me? "Earth to Rachel" she giggles and bumps my leg.
I laugh back weakly, embarrassed. "Sorry."
"Where were you?"
"Oh you know, lost up in my head somewhere as usual." She squeezes my knee gently and electricity shoots through me. She really needs to stop doing that. We get up and head out of the theatre. I head out towards the street to hail a cab but she links her arm in mine and pulls me with her.
"Where are we going?" I ask trying to keep up with her long strides.
"I want to walk with you" she replies simply. No argument manages to fall from my lips at as I enjoy her body pressed next to mine.
"I'm glad I got to see you tonight. Honestly, I was a bit afraid that you were going to cancel when I text you yesterday." She staring at her feet as she walks and it's so off putting to not see her with her head held high as normal.
"Why did you think I would cancel?" I feel more than see her shrug her response.
"We haven't spoken in awhile. I didn't think you'd want to see me." I pull her to a stop and neither of us can look at the other.
"I'm sorry," I say above a whisper.
"For what?"
"Being so distant lately. I…I don't mean to, really, I wish I knew what was wrong with me." She's looking at me now and I wish she wasn't. Those happy warm eyes are long gone, not even those distant blank eyes are there. No, her eyes are bursting with so much hurt I almost lose myself. I've never seen her like this before.
"I'm scared," she manages to get out. "I'm afraid of what is happening to us. I don't want to lose your friendship Rachel. I can't. After everything I've been through I feel like you're the one person I could always count on. Even before we were friends. You were always there when I needed you, whether I knew it or not."
Somewhere along the way of loving her I forgot how important it was to be her friend. My one solid reason for not revealing these stupid fucking feelings for her and I'm inadvertently burning that forest down. Great.
I pull her into me and wrap my arms around her. She returns the embrace and leans into me to let me support her as much as my small frame will allow. "You're not going to lose me. That could never happen, Quinn." I whisper in her ear. When I pull away a few tears are falling from her eyes, that I wipe away with my thumb. A sad smile makes its way to my lips and this time I'm the one to link my arm with hers and pull her down the street.
A/N: I know my updates aren't too lengthy and sorry about that but I have to write a chapter in one sitting or I lose where I was going with it and it's hard to write a really long update that way.
I hope you all still enjoy this story!