author note: heres the much anticipated chapter 18 part 3, the last installment of this chapter...thanks to all of you who have reviewed, I appreciate it sooo much, you guys are awesome!

disclaimer: I own no one except the characters you dont recognize, i.e nick, madi, chris, les, jt...but I wish I owned Shane, haha

Chapter 18: Too much to handle Part 3

Ray's P.O.V

'Low blow.' I thought, cringing, 'what do I say to that?'

I cleared my throat.

"Wow. I had no idea you felt that way. I just assumed that you knew that I would never abandon you. I'm sorry if I didn't call as often as I should have, but I was just trying to get settled into a new city, at my first real job, interning at a prestigious hospital ER, no less. I was saving my money so I could get a bigger, better apartment so I could bring you to live with me. Just like I promised. I had no idea you felt that way. I want you to know that there was not one day that I didn't think of you. I wanted to bring you with me when I left, but when I first moved to Chicago, I was living in the hospital for Gods sake! That was not the place for a 15 year old to be living, they would've taken you away faster then you could say stop. I didn't want you in that kind of living situation."

"I understand that now, Ray, but when you left it seemed like you were abandoning me. I was 15 years old, and I fucking worshiped the ground you walked on. I didn't know what to think when you said you were leaving. I was angry, upset, hurt. I thought, at the time, that I had done something to make you leave, that you didn't love me anymore. And I was scared, scared that things would never be the same, scared you would forget about me. I was confused and still reeling from losing mom. I didn't know which way was up or down anymore, my head was so fucked up, I stopped eating, sleeping. I don't know how I was even functioning. Nick noticed and helped me get through it." She was almost yelling now, "I could talk to him almost like I could talk to you. He helped me realize that you weren't abandoning me, that all those feelings that came along with the grieving process."

I still couldn't get past the fact that she had been so upset, and I hadn't even noticed.

I was speechless; I didn't know what I could say to even make up for it.

"Jesus. I'm so sorry Madi! I know that doesn't cut it, but I was still grieving too, and I was to selfish to even see if you were okay. I'm such a bastard, and I wouldn't even be surprised if you decided you hated me. I can't even begin to know how to make this up to you."

"Hey, hey, it's not your fault! Stop thinking that way. You were just trying to do what was best for me. It was my naïve, selfish 15 year old mind trying to deal with everything that was being thrown at me. I'd just lost my mom, my idol was moving to a city 3 hours away, my dad was trying to drown his sorrows in alcohol every night; it was just getting to be too much to handle. I was trying to find a way to understand what was going on, and at the time it was the most logical explanation I could think of. It seemed like everyone I loved was leaving, leaving me behind. Everything just happened so fast, it was like a whirlwind, taking my old life and replacing it with this new life that I had no idea how to live. You leaving wasn't the real reason I was feeling that way, it all stemmed from losing mom, anything else were just catalysts."

"I just…can't believe that….things got so bad without me…even realizing it."

"Ray what's wrong? You sound funny."

It was all too much to take in at once.

I felt clammy, and I knew what was coming next. The same thing had happened during my mother's funeral. I dropped my phone and bolted for the bathroom, leaning over the toilet just in time. Soon I could tell the light in the bedroom was turned on, and Abby appeared at my side.

"Jesus Christ Ray, what's wrong?"

I just shook my head, before choking out,

"Madi…phone...tomorrow"

She must have understood what I meant because I heard her find the phone, and relay the message...either that or she knew me even better than I realized.

"Madi? You still there? He's gonna call you back tomorrow, ok? No, I don't know what's wrong, but I'm gonna go see. Alright, sleep good. We'll see you tomorrow sweetie, bye."

She hung up, came back into the bathroom, filling a cup with water for me and wetting a washcloth, wiping my forehead tenderly.

"What just happened?" she asked, concern filling her face.

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