Sorry for the long, long, long, delay. I'll try to update more frequently.
The moonlight streamed in through the window, casting a shadow along the curve of her back. I couldn't help but reach out and trace her skin. It looked so glorious in the silver light, so soft, I just felt this need to caress it. A little moan escaped her lips as shifted, her hair falling into her face. Without thinking my hand moved up to place the hair back behind her ear, my hand lingering on her cheek. Her breaths came in strong heavy sighs, it was a nice change from the usual silence that suffocated my bedroom. I had meant to move onto the couch some time ago but found myself studying her face instead. The sun started to come up before I noticed that how much time had actually passed. I ran my thumb across her jaw once more before getting out of bed and going into the kitchen to make coffee for when she woke up.
The sun rose through the buildings bathing my apartment in sunlight as I sat on my living room floor staring into my coffee mug. A shuffling noise started to come down the hallway, making me look up. "Morning," I laughed at the bed-headed brunette.
"Mmm" she grumbled making her way towards me and lying down on the couch I was leaning against.
"You sure look like hell." I chided, shifting to I could look at her.
"How much did you let me drink last night?"
"Let you?" I laughed. "Chris, I couldn't stop you if I tried."
"Oh right. How much did I have?"
"Well past your limit." I laughed again as she buried her head in her arms.
"I didn't do anything…I shoudn't have did I?"
To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure what she was referring to. My intent for the night had been solely to take her out as a friend. That's the way the night started too. After a few drinks the lines of that got a little…fuzzy. What began as light conversation, turned into light flirting which turned into heavy flirting. Light caresses on my arm turned into light touches on my lower back which turned into hands gripping my waist. When her lips hovered next to my ear begging me to take her home, I was in no position to deny her request. All of my original intents for the evening were thrown out the window when her hands were tracing up my thighs on the cab ride. God, I needed it. I needed an escape, something to free me from the shackles I had secured around myself, to save me from the despair and confusion I was drowning in. Those swimming pools of deep brown were my sabbatical last night.
When we stumbled into my apartment, all lips and arms and teeth, I was dead set on what I needed to do. Her hands were already ripping off my jacket and pushing up my shirt. Then when her back hit the bed and her hair fanned out around her and she looked up at me so hungrily, something pulled at my gut. Something other than arousal.
This girl had genuine affection for me and I was just using her for a warm body. It wasn't right. I couldn't be that person. I placed a last lingering kiss on her lips and lay down beside her. She looked at me concerned that something was wrong but I just smiled and wrapped my arm around her, urging her to sleep.
"Rach?" I must have been staring blankly at her.
"No, nothing happened."
"We didn't…?" she bit her lip afraid of the answer.
"No. We didn't."
"Thank God." She let out a sigh of relief.
"Ouch!"
"No, no, no!" she laughed out and gripped my shoulder. "I just don't think that would have been the ideal situation, with me being drunk out of my mind and all."
"We should both definitely be on our A game if that's to happen."
"Does that mean this isn't just a fluke?"
"Honestly, I'm not quite sure"
"Hmm, does that have anything to do with that Quinn girl from the party the other night?"
"I…"
"I thought so." She got herself up off the couch and made her way into the kitchen for her own coffee.
"What do you mean?" I shouted into the kitchen.
"Come on Rachel, I've never seen you look so uncomfortable in your life around someone. She was supposed to be one of your closest friends? You looked like you wanted to jump out a window for the better half of the night." She came back and sat next to me on the floor. "She's beautiful Rachel. There's no shame in being confused over your feelings."
"Can we just not talk about this."
"Fair enough. Okay," She jumped up and stretched, "Can you just buy me breakfast then? Cause I could use some eggs."
"Yeah I think I can do that. But maybe you should get dressed." She looked down at herself and giggled. All she had on was one of my old Glee shirts.
"I found it on a chair. I thought it would be better to have something on other than a bra and panties. And I thought it would be cute."
"It does look cute on you."
"Thanks! But I'll go put my clothes back on." I grabbed at her wrist as she turned to walk away.
"I just… even though there's this Quinn thing… It doesn't mean I don't like you." Without a word she leaned down and placed a light kiss on my lips.
"Wanted to see if you would flinch at me doing that now that we're not drunk. Don't overthink everything Rachel. Not everything needs to be so dramatic." The girl bounded down the hall, out of sight. "Let's go I'm starving!"
Maybe this girl could really be just what I need.
There's an odd possession of the body when you become infatuated with someone. Even when it shouldn't mean anything, you get swept into this rip tide that pulls you further and further out to sea until you're sure to drown. You want someone so badly that the thought of them literally feels like someone has a cold grip on your heart, squeezing tighter and tighter until you can hardly breathe. It's almost like an illness. A disease of the heart.
Why would anyone want that? Who would want to hopelessly devote themselves to someone just to get lose their whole sense of being.
Seeing Christina, casually, made me feel so much more evened out. Even more so than cutting Quinn out of my life, distracting myself with Christina actually kept my mind off of my emotional captor. Spending time with the brunette was so much easier than even the idea of Quinn. When I was alone I wasn't wondering where she was, what she was doing, who she was talking to, how she was feeling. When we were together I had a good time. Christina had grown up a lot since NYADA and wasn't the awkward desperately nervous girl I remember. She was confident and funny and bold and it kept me captivated during the time we spent together. But as soon as we parted ways any thought of her left my mind. It was an odd sensation to me but at the same time it would be infinitely easier going through life having loose connections like this. That's not what tortured artists find inspiring though so what would this world be if we all just had friends with benefits, or things of the sort.
Christina and I had been getting lunch regularly twice a week for a while so it didn't cross my mind to check my schedule when Quinn set a date for fittings for bridesmaids' dresses. When I called Chris to cancel, she insisted we still have lunch before the fitting. After lunch she insisted she walk me to the bridal shop. I didn't think much of it but it seemed to be a much better thought out plan in retrospect. Since we ran a little long at lunch, I was running late and everyone was waiting on me. Outside the shop, she kissed me goodbye before going on her own way. However, everyone saw this exchange through the window and were quick to chide. Especially Santana.
"Damn Berry, since when are you hooking up with all the hot chicks of Manhattan?"
"Thanks Santana."
"That's a compliment Berry, seriously. She was hot. I don't know how you landed her."
"We're old friends from school."
"Of which you're now hitting?"
"We're not…I really don't think this is an appropriate topic of conversation."
"Rachel is right. Can we just try the dresses on now that everyone is here?" Quinn stormed out of the room, hands on her hips. Santana and I looked at each other and she grinned wryly back at me.
"If I didn't know any better, I would say the head bitch in charge is back." Santana joked, linking her arm in mine and dragging me in the direction that Quinn blazed off in.
"Wonderful."
"You look stunning," Quinn closed the curtain behind her as she entered the changing room. She took a seat on the bench and I finished pulling up and adjusting my dress.
"You have impeccable taste Quinn."
"I don't think even I could plan for how beautiful that would look. I think Santana is going to be jealous."
"I'm sure she'll sex it up in a way that I can never begin to compete with."
"Yeah…" I could see Quinn in the reflection in the mirror, with her downcast eyes, fidgeting with her hands.
"I wish I could have seen you when you got your dress fitted. I should have been there for that. I'm sure you're going to look radiant." That got her to quirk a small smile.
"Who was that girl?" Shit.
"She's someone I knew from NYADA. Remember I told you about that girl who had a crush on me when I was a senior?"
"Yeah, I vaguely do. I thought you said she was kind of…weird."
"She was but she was young and in a new place. She's really sweet and fun and normal."
"She's beautiful."
"Uh oh, hold on," I turned so I could look Quinn in the eye, "Is the Quinn Fabray intimidated by someone else's appearance?"
Finally I got an actually laugh out of her "Stop it."
"She's attractive, yes, but she's nowhere near the same caliber as you. No one is. So you don't have to put a hit out on her."
"I'll have to cancel some earlier arrangements now." We both laughed but she got stony-faced again. "Are you with her?"
"We've been seeing each other. But it's nothing serious."
"You know you deserve the best, Rachel. I never want you to settle for anything less."
I turned back to the mirror again, adjusting my dress. "I never really planned on it."
As I tried to zip up my dress so I could escape from this suffocating little dressing room, the zipper got caught and I couldn't get it all the way. Instantly, Quinn rose up from her seat and stepped up behind me. The close proximity of her body sent me into overdrive. I could feel her breathe on the back of my neck as she reached out and lay one hand on my side and the other slowly inched up the zipper. I could only watch her, enraptured as she stared intently at her hands at work. The zipper secured, both of her hands grazed back down the length of my back. So featherlike I might not have felt it if I weren't watching her so closely. Or if tremors hadn't threatened to wrack my body. A hand on either of my hips squeezed lightly and I nearly passed out at the simple sensation. "You really are stunning Rachel." She breathed into my ear. Her eyes snapped up and met mine in the mirror. "You deserve to be fallen over."
And then she was gone. As quickly as she came in. I needed to get out to meet all the others in our dresses but I needed to get my body to quit shaking.