Disclaimer: If I owned Big Time Rush, chances are I wouldn't be writing Jatie fanfics. So no, I do not own Big Time Rush.
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A/N: First of all, I just have to say thank you for all the amazing reviews I got for Chapter 8. Not only that, but this story is now at 103 reviews! That's effing incredible, people! Thank you so much!
So, I wasn't sure when I was going to get this chapter up. I had most of it written when I posted Chapter 8 but I didn't have it finished. This is kind of an emotionally turbulent chapter (like the others aren't like that) so writing it was a little bit difficult at times, but I seem to have trouble stepping away from this story (and just watch me not updated for like two months after saying that) so that's why this chapter is getting posted not even a week after the last one.
Also, there's a lot of ups and downs in this chapter, so be prepared for that. Originally it was supposed to steadily build, but James and Katie don't listen to me. Okay? They just don't listen and I almost didn't get something in that I wanted to get in. But I did, so yay. :) On a similar note, I am totally blaming Halestorm's song "Private Parts" for the emotional roller coaster that this chapter is. It's an amazing song, though, and I'm in love with it, so I'll let it go. Well, now that I've talked this chapter up so well...moving on.
Warnings: Language and sexual innuendos. Also, a certain word is actually said, rather than spelled out like it was in the last chapter.
Enjoy the chapter :)
Chapter Nine – High and Low
James' POV
By the time I walked into the kitchen, I had managed to get my thoughts and memories under control, and I was pretty sure my expression was no longer wild and caged, but controlled and contained.
That was the most I had ever told anyone about my stepmom, Kimberly. Mainly it was because no one had asked, but also because it wasn't something I wanted to think about, much less voice. It was a lot easier to just pretend that she didn't exist, to act like there wasn't a single layer to peel back, that there was nothing under my bad boy persona.
But Katie was breaking through, forcing my walls down, and I was helpless, completely incapable of warding her off. If I hadn't walked out of her room, I would have spilled every single bad memory I had without any hint of sugarcoating. And I couldn't do that, I couldn't tell her any of that, and I didn't want her to know. I didn't want her to look at me like a freak of nature. I didn't want to hear that I needed to go to therapy. I didn't want her to push me away in disgust or to call me a liar or to treat me like I was trauma victim.
She would never know.
And neither would anyone else.
But what if she guessed? What if she was able to read between the lines? What if she had figured out every little thing that I had refused to say? What if she wanted to…talk…when I got back up there? Then what? What did I do? What was I supposed to do?
If only they had a rulebook for this sort of situation.
I opened the fridge, staring blankly into it, not even registering the different flavors of soda, the various bottles of water, spread out over the racks. I was still repeating Katie's and my conversation in my head.
"You're not a bad person. I told you that the day we met. Whatever it is that shaped you into the bad boy, it's only part of who you are. There's so much more to you than that. James…please…I want to understand. Whatever it is, whatever that happened…please…just tell me."
"I've never told anyone…"
"I won't judge, I promise. And I won't tell anyone. What happened to you…Was it your stepmom?"
"She's abusive."
So simply put…but with so many meanings…I couldn't even really put a meaning to it. Nothing described it. Nothing.
"You know, no matter how long you stand there staring at it, the drinks aren't going to start tap dancing."
I turned around to see Logan standing there, a small, amused smile on his face.
"What? Oh…" I ran my hand over my face before grabbing a bottle of water. "I guess I was zoning out."
"So I noticed. What's up?"
"Nothing important."
"B.S. You look really out of it, dude."
"It's nothing," I insisted, twisting the cap off of the bottle and taking a swig of water.
"James, I may not really know you but I'm good at reading people. And something's obviously bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know…"
"I know it sounds kind of like a chick thing – don't tell Katie I said chick, she'll kill me – but believe it or not, talking can help."
I sighed, sitting down at the hardwood table. Logan took a seat beside me, looking at me with concern written all over his face.
"It's just…" I licked my lips. "I told Katie something really personal because she asked. She was pretty insistent. And…I don't know…"
"She didn't react right?"
"No, I didn't give her a chance to react. I just kind of made a break for it."
Logan stared at me. "Why?"
"Because…because it was something I had never told anyone else and I didn't want to see her reaction. I don't want to know what her reaction is. I just…if she sees me differently…I don't know if I could handle it."
"Well, the only way to find out if she sees you any differently is if you go back up there and talk to her," Logan pointed out. "Chances are she doesn't. Katie doesn't judge. If she does, it's only because she's trying to convince herself of something that she knows in her heart isn't true. She was like that when she first met you – she didn't want to believe that you're actually a really nice guy. Zach managed to convince her for, like, five hours that you're actually a womanizing jerk. And then she talked to you again and more or less got her head on straight. I guess she finally accepted that you're a nice guy."
I gaped at him. "Why would she want to think otherwise?"
"Because it's easier. Admitting that you're a nice guy with a fucked up reputation and maybe a couple of issues – not judging, I'm just saying – would mean having to admit that she actually likes you. It would mean admitting that maybe Zach isn't the only guy she wants. It would mean admitting that there's someone she wants, someone she wants more than anything else in the world."
"Getting a little overdramatic, aren't you?"
"Nope. I see the way she looks at you. And Camille and Carlos both told me that Katie admitted to you that she wants to sleep with you. I'm pretty sure the girl has never once looked at Zach and thought, hmm, I'd really like to tap that."
I continued to look at him, pretty sure I had just entered an alternate universe. Since when did Logan Mitchell say tap that?
Logan shrugged. "Just saying."
"Right…"
At that moment, there was the sound of soft footsteps and a split second later Katie walked into the kitchen. "I changed my mind," she said to me, heading over to the fridge. "I do want something to drink. Anyway, I thought you were coming back up."
"It's my fault, I detained him," Logan told her. "Anyway, he's all yours." He smiled at her and got to his feet, walking back into the living room.
Katie shook her head, grabbing her own bottle of water and plopping down in the chair Logan had just vacated. "What were you two talking about?"
I shrugged, taking another sip of water. "You know…just stuff."
"Ah. Anything interesting?"
"Not really. Just guy stuff."
"So, about hot girls?"
"Well, one particular girl came up…but I'm not sure I would classify her as hot…"
"Oh? And what would you classify her as?"
"Beautiful. Gorgeous. Sexy without even having to try. I guess hot works, but it just doesn't describe her."
"Hmm…" she stood up and walked over to me, plopping down sideways in my lap. "Maybe you should describe her."
"She's about five feet or so with long brown hair and these beautiful brown eyes. They look like melted chocolate. I could just get lost in them forever."
She rested one of her hands at the back of my neck while using the other to push my bangs out of my face. "For future reference, I'm five foot and two-thirds of an inch," she murmured to me, brushing her lips over mine. "Huge difference. It means I can round up to five foot one."
"Very important." I moved my lips back over hers. "So, you've suddenly got very touchy feely."
"What can I say? We're sharing a bed – I feel close to you."
"As you should."
"Anyway…about what you told me earlier…"
I fought back a groan. Here we go…
"I'm glad you told me. Makes me respect you even more and it makes me like you even more." She pressed her lips to mine, letting them linger for a few seconds before pulling back.
"Have you been drinking?"
"I don't drink."
"Are you high?"
"I don't do drugs."
"Do you have some sort of weird fascination with guys with issues?"
"Not that I know of…Though I do have one with you, so it might be possible…"
"You, my dear Katie, are crazy."
She grinned. "But that's what you love about me, right?"
"Yeah, we'll talk about this later. Grab your water."
She did so, and I stood up, changing my grip on her so that I was carrying her bridal style. "We're going back upstairs."
"Sounds good." Katie snuggled into my chest, cradling her water bottle. I carried her back up to our room, kicking the door closed behind me and laying her on the bed. She looked up at me as she sat up. "James?"
"Yeah?"
"I know I seem hot and cold. And I'm sorry, I don't want to seem like I'm jerking you around. I just…I really like you and things with us are really intense, but there's Zach and I'm just not sure what to do…"
"Use this weekend to clear your mind," I told her, sitting down on the bed beside her. "Because there really isn't anything else you can do."
"I guess so. I just don't know what's going to happen once this weekend is over." She rested her head on my shoulder.
"You'll figure it out," I assured her, slipping my arm around her waist. "It'll be okay."
"I hope so." Katie let out a small sigh. She shifted so that she was in my lap, her back to my front. "But I am glad that you're here with me."
"At the house or…?"
"Here and now." She turned her head, slowly kissing me. I kissed her back, letting myself sink into it, getting deeper and deeper until there was no one left but us. Just the way it should be. She shifted in my lap, managing to turn around so that she was facing me, and I pulled her closer, unable to get enough, knowing it would never be enough.
She finally pulled back, and I rested my forehead against hers.
"You're the only guy I've ever kissed besides Zach," she whispered. "Until I met you, I never thought I wanted to kiss someone else besides him."
"I feel special." I tightened my grip on her.
"I just…I don't know why my feelings get so…intense…with you. But…it's not really bad. I thought it was at first, but it's not. I know I've said this before, but it's true. There's just something about you that pulls me in, that makes me want more."
"Like you're being sucked into a tornado and can't get out."
She nodded. "Exactly. And I don't understand it, it doesn't make any sense but I like it. I don't want it to end."
"Me neither. I can't figure this out for the life of me, I never wanted to do feelings because of my stepmom and my parents and that whole fucked up business. But I care about you, more than I thought I could ever care for anyone and it's only been a few days. How does that even happen?"
"I don't know. But it happened with us."
"Think that makes us freaks?"
"Oh yeah. But we're awesome freaks," she grinned a little, and I smiled back.
"Very awesome freaks."
"Mmm hmm. We should be happy about that," she informed me. "Very happy."
"Because we're so awesome."
"Exactly." She glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand. I looked over too out of curiosity. 10:02.
Katie stretched out against me, letting out a small moan. "Mmm…I'm still stiff from the car ride." She twisted side to side, trying to elongate her back muscles. "I hate car rides." She let out a sigh, getting to her feet while trying to massage her back.
"Here." I stood up as well, replacing her fingers with mine, digging deep into the muscle tissue. I could feel the kinks releasing slightly under the pressure and Katie moaned again, louder this time.
"Who the hell taught you that?" she asked almost lazily as if she was falling to pieces under my fingertips.
I grinned slightly. "You'd be surprised at the skills I've picked up over the years."
"Ah – ooh, right there…" she tilted her head back. "Ouch! No, wait, keep going, that hurts so bad it kind of feels good..."
"Good pain?" I offered.
"Yes, exactly," she agreed, the tiniest whimper escaping from her lips. "Oh God…"
"Feel good?" I continued to massage her back, carefully kneading so that I wouldn't do any damage.
"Ooooh…yeah…Mmmm…That's the spot…Okay, I'm so hiring you as my personal massage therapist from now on."
My grin widened. "I'm even better when I'm massaging other parts."
"Don't even tempt me."
"Is it really that tempting?"
"You have no idea, James. You have no idea just how truly tempting you are."
My hands slid of their own accord down her back, resting on her hips. I pulled her back against me and she leaned into me, sighing. "You'll be the death of me, James Diamond."
"I just hope it's a good death."
"It will be. I know that much." She turned to face me, head tilted up so that her eyes could meet mine. She reached her hand up, tracing a scar on my neck, and my body shuddered at her touch, goose bumps breaking out over my arms. A very good death…
"How'd you get this?" she asked me curiously.
"Long story," I breathed out.
"We have a couple of days."
"True…"
"Although I don't know how long we're really going to last alone in a bedroom…"
"Katie…fuck…" With a huge push of self-control, I managed to step away from her. I knew if I stayed close to her for a second longer, I would give in and do something I would regret later on.
"James…" A look of confusion crossed her face, followed by a glimmer of hurt. "I – okay – was that not – not right?"
I shook my head. "No…the problem is that it was too right."
"I don't – what?"
"I don't want to sleep with you when you're confused. It'll just hurt you more."
"You – wow. Okay. That's unprecedented."
I nodded. "Believe me, I know."
There was a long pause as she took in what I had just said, and then she asked point blankly, "What makes me so different from those other girls? You sleep with them without a care. Why do you care whether or not you have sex with me?"
"Because – because – because I actually do care about you. This whole thing with us…you're not just another lay. I don't want you to be."
"Your emotions really are getting involved…" she said slowly.
"Like I said earlier." I sat down on the end of the bed, resting my head in my hands. "I don't want to fuck this up, Katie. You're the first girl I've gotten emotionally attached to."
"Maybe you just need to get laid," she suggested. "In which case I'm probably still not the girl for that, but…"
"That's not it. That's not it at all."
"Then what is?" she sat down beside me.
"Is it really that hard to understand?" I looked over at her. "I really like you. I am capable of emotion."
"I know, it's just…" She pushed her hair out of her face, pressing her lips together as she tried to figure out what to say. "It's just, you're James Diamond. The idea that you could be into me…I mean, you're this incredibly hot guy who could have any girl in the school – and has had any girl in the school – and I just don't get this whole attraction or how this isn't just one sided. It makes absolutely no sense to me and I just wish someone would explain it to me."
I nodded in agreement. "It's confusing."
"So, let me see if I have this understood correctly – you don't want to sleep with me because you care about me too much."
"Exactly."
"By all means, defy logic. Do you have an STD that I should know about?"
"I'm clean, I've been tested."
"The fact that you've had to be tested worries me," she informed me.
"As it should."
"Do you ever think about those girls you've been with?" she asked me after a moment.
"Like how?"
"I don't know, just think about them. Like, do you pass them in the hall and think there's that girl I screwed on the dean's desk?"
I laughed. "I've never screwed a girl on the dean's desk. Although that does sound like a good idea. I want to do that now."
"Great…I'm going to be an accessory to sex on the dean's desk…"
"Especially if you're directly involved in it."
Her face turned bright red. "I thought you just said you didn't want to have sex with me! I'm going to get whiplash!"
"Sorry. Okay, I do want to have sex with you. I just don't want to do it when you're confused about who you should be with. Even though it should totally be me."
Katie giggled. "Self-promotion, huh?"
I shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much."
"So, you do want to fuck me, but you don't want to screw me up."
"You just said fuck again. And yeah, exactly. I don't want you to lose your virginity to the wrong guy."
She looked up at me in surprise.
"I want it to be a good memory for you," I continued on. "I don't want it to be something that you wish you could redo for the rest of your life."
The next thing I knew, she had launched herself at me, mouth covering mine, fingers scrabbling as they tangled themselves in my hair, her body knocking into mine and causing me to tumble over onto my back. Sure, okay. This was totally, completely innocent. This was definitely not giving her the wrong impression or not losing the rest of my self-control. Not in the least.
Nevertheless, I kissed her back, trying to pull her closer to me, fighting for more. She whimpered as I forced my tongue into her mouth, gaining control. She crawled over me so that her knees were straddling my sides, almost resting her weight on my torso. My hands crept up her back, pushing her shirt up so that my fingers were brushing over her bare skin.
She pushed closer to me, whining as she slid her own hands under my shirt, her palms resting against my abs. I gasped, feeling my stomach flex slightly under her touch, and she moved her hands up to my chest.
"God, I love your body," she murmured against my lips. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm so jealous of all the girls who got to sleep with you."
"Don't be," I murmured back. "They're not you."
"Why do you have to be so fucking perfect?" she demanded as she pulled back.
"Um…I'm pretty sure no one has ever asked me that before."
"Why do you have to be so fucking perfect for me?"
"I – "
"You drive me nuts." She ran her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath. "I didn't know making out could be like that."
"You clearly haven't been doing it with the right guy."
"Clearly." She crawled off of me, collapsing on the bed beside me. "Wow. I could get used to that."
"That's good to hear."
"Yeah…Wow…I'm going to go get some air."
"You do that."
"I will." She got off of the bed and headed over to the French doors, slipping out onto the deck. I could see her small figure through the glass, leaning up against the railing, hair blowing slightly in the wind. So beautiful…
She'll be mine, I told myself. She and Zach are pretty much over. She'll be mine pretty quickly, if she isn't already.
After a few moments, I stood up as well and let myself outside as well, moving to stand beside Katie.
"So, I think it's safe to say we're dangerous for each other," I commented.
"Obviously."
I nodded.
There was a long pause, and then a thought crossed my mind. "Katie?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"You just did. But I suppose you could ask one more thing." She shot me a slightly teasing look and the corners of my mouth twitched up into a small smile.
"How did you meet Zach? I mean, he's a year older than you, you're not in the same grade, and you started dating him when you were in eighth grade. By that time he would have been in high school, at Dalton Prep. So…how did that happen?"
Katie rested her forearms on the railing, looking out across the yard, over the treetops and hills to the dark glistening patch that was the lake. "We actually met through our parents," she said thoughtfully after a moment. "I was thirteen, he was fourteen. My mom works for his dad," she added. "So we met at Bring Your Kids to Work Day."
"I thought – I mean, with this house – doesn't your family have money?"
"Oh, we do," she assured me. "It's just, my mom's the CEO of the company. His dad actually owns it."
"Oh. Wow."
"Yeah. So, we met, we hit it off, he flirted with me, it was incredible." A small smile crossed her face. "It was the first time any boy had ever paid any attention to me. I was just this shy, awkward, tiny little middle school girl who kind of faded into the background. So to have a guy – someone as cool and hot as Zach – show any interest in me was just…it felt like a dream come true. Before I knew it, he was asking me to be his girlfriend and everything just felt like it was falling into place. I literally had a checklist of all the qualities I wanted in a guy and he fit them all. Looks. Brains. Ambition. Athleticism."
"I can skateboard," I offered. "I totally have athleticism."
Katie let out a laugh. "I've seen you, you're really good."
I grinned.
"It's funny, though," she continued on, not looking at me, still focused on the lake. "Because all the qualities I wanted had almost nothing to do with personality. Now, I would probably add kindness and funny to the list. Not to say that Zach doesn't have his sweet moments and that he doesn't have a sense of humor, because he does. It's just…not always noticeable."
"Like today, when he called Logan a fag."
"Yeah. Like today." She sighed. "I don't know what happened, I really don't. I think of the fourteen year old boy I met and then I look at the seventeen year old boy…what happened?"
"He grew up."
Katie didn't say anything to that, so I didn't add anything to it.
"I just wish things weren't so confusing," she said quietly.
I looked at her questioningly.
"With us. All of us. With you and Zach and me."
"Guess there's a bit of a love triangle going on here," I admitted.
"Guess so…Who would have thunk it? The bad boy of Dalton Prep is interested in little ol' me."
"It's not that much of a scientific phenomenon," I replied. "It happens. You draw me in, you attract me. It's like we're opposite magnets."
"Exactly. Zach and I make sense, though."
I paused, my stomach dropping. Of course they did, just like Katie and I were complete confusion. Nothing about us seemed to fit.
And that's when I realized that she would always choose Zach by default. If he hadn't acted like an ass and pushed her a little too far, they would still be together. She hadn't even broken up with him permanently. She didn't have the guts to. I was something new for her to try, like an exotic dish she had never ordered before. But I wasn't what she wanted. Not really.
I pushed away from the railing. "I've got to go."
"What? Where're you going?"
I just shrugged and headed into the bedroom.
"James." She followed me. "What is it? What did I say?"
"It's…it's not important. I think I'm going to head down to the lake."
"It was me saying that Zach and I make sense, isn't it? It upset you."
"It doesn't matter."
"Bullshit!"
I paused in the act of slipping my sneakers on. She was cussing more and more…
"If you're going down to the lake, then I'm going with you," she said after a moment.
"We can go tomorrow."
She looked at me for a moment. "You run. You're a runner."
"I – what?"
"You run. You leave after you've dropped huge bombs on people. You leave when you get scared. You leave when you get insecure or angry. You run from things."
"Sometimes it's the only thing you can do."
"Yeah, I know. I know how that goes. I run too. I run to Zach, and I have since I was thirteen. I run to my friends when I can't run to him. But you…you don't have anyone to run to. You don't have anyone to hold you and tell you it's going to be okay, that you'll get through this. And that's really sad."
"It's not that sad…"
"Yes it is. You should have someone too."
"Well, it's not going to happen. You're the first person I've ever even remotely opened up to and tonight will be the last time that ever happens."
"James." She put her hand on my shoulder. "Whatever she did to you…it doesn't make you weak and it doesn't make you damaged. It makes her screwed up. It means you've gone through stuff that's straight out of other people's nightmares. But it doesn't make you weak. Opening up doesn't make you weak."
"It makes you vulnerable. And I swore to myself that I would never be vulnerable ever again. Not to her, not to anyone."
"Then how do you keep from going crazy? Oh…the sex."
I looked away from her.
"It's your drug, so to speak."
"That's one way to put it. What's yours?"
"Not letting myself be happy."
"Why not?" I sank down on the bed. "What happened to you? What affected you so badly?"
She sat down beside me, chewing on her bottom lip hesitantly for a moment. "My dad died in a car crash when I was eleven."
"Oh my God…I'm so sorry."
"I was in the car with him," she continued on. "We were…um…arguing about something. I had slacked a little on school and my grades had gone down. The last thing he ever said to me was that I needed to work on applying myself. And then a car ran a red light and he never said anything else to me."
"Is that why – "
"Why I'm so obsessed with school and having a perfect academic record? Yeah, that's why. Because if he hadn't been mad at me, he would've seen the car running the red light. He would've known not to go through the intersection. He'd still be alive." She wiped at her eyes, tears sliding down her cheek.
I reached over, pulling her into my arms and she leaned into me.
"It was my fault," she whispered. "And I can only do so much to make it up to him."
"It wasn't your fault," I said firmly, rubbing circles into her back. "It was the guy who ran the red light. You had nothing to do with it."
"I distracted him."
"You were eleven years old. You couldn't be perfect and I'm sure he knew that."
She didn't say anything, just buried her face in my chest, still crying silently. I held her until long after her body stopped shaking with quiet sobs. It was a few moments before I realized her breathing had evened out.
I laid her on the bed and curled up next to her, wrapping my arms around her tightly.
It was a long time before I drifted off to sleep, too overwhelmed to relax.
So, there's Katie's secret. I hope it explains a few things about her since I know she doesn't always make sense.
And please review, I would appreciate it and love it so much :)