Disclaimer: I still don't own Big Time Rush. End of story.

btrfanfiction1516: Oh man, that must've been a sight to see ;) Thank you for taking the time to read and review, I always appreciate it!

Guest#1: Thank you so much, I'm so happy you enjoyed it :) You know what? I had just recently watched that episode so it was on my mind when I was writing the chapter. And thank you for taking the time to read and review! I appreciate it so much :)

Guest#2: Here it is ;) Thank you for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it.

THANK YOU to everyone who has read, followed, favorited, or reviewed this story! You guys rock!

A/N: So, the first part of this is what was originally the second half of chapter 10. I almost split this chapter up as well, but decided not to, because otherwise you guys would have ended up with a really short chapter. Plus, it felt natural to end this one where I did, though some of you might not be too happy with me ;) This is another drama-filled chapter, but there's also a little bit of smut in here as well, so hopefully you guys won't mind too much.

Warnings: Language, innuendos, mild sexual content, mentions of self-harm.

Enjoy the chapter :)

Chapter Eleven – Cuts So Deep

Katie's POV

Once we were inside the house, I unzipped my hoodie, basking in the warmth and the soft, golden light that the living room lamps provided. We dropped the food off in the kitchen before climbing the stairs to our shared room, closing the door behind us.

I turned to James, looking up into his face. "I have no right to be jealous when Zach and I aren't even completely over."

"No, I get it. I understand where you're coming from. And believe me, it eats me up, knowing there's a good chance you're going to be going back to Zach once this is over."

"I might not though. You never know," I reminded him.

"I'm not that hopeful. I'm a little bit jaded when it comes to the female species." His voice was joking, but it held a darker, grimmer underlying tone.

"Let me see if I can maybe give you a little more hope for the fairer sex," I suggested, approaching him. I placed my hands on his chest, steering him to the bed. He let me guide him, relinquishing control to me, and I gave him a small shove. He obediently let himself fall back on the bed and I climbed atop him, straddling his waist. He looked up at me, lips slightly parted, hair mussed up from the wind.

I stared down at him for a long moment before pressing my lips to his, and he returned the pressure, hand coming up to slip under my hair, cupping the back of my neck. I sighed almost wistfully, already needing more.

James deepened the kiss, guiding me closer, and I spread out, my chest lightly pressing against his. The hand that wasn't at the back of my neck slid down over my hip, resting gently against my lower back, before sliding down to the back of my thigh.

I bit lightly down at his lip and he returned it, nipping back at me a little bit harder, a teasing edge to it. I tangled my fingers in his hair, moving my lips desperately against his, my hips stuttering slightly when he caught my bottom lip between his teeth, tugging a little. I let out a gasp, stars flashing behind my eyelids and for a split second I lost track of time. When I opened my eyes again, I was on my back and he was hovering over me, hitching my legs around his waist, sinking down between my knees. His lips were an urgent pressure against mine, his tongue forcing its way into my mouth and – ooooh – I liked that…

A weak moan escaped, muffled against his lips and I could feel him smirking in satisfaction. I yanked at a lock of hair in retaliation and I was pretty sure he uttered a "fuck" but I wasn't positive. I did it again and his hips jerked against mine.

Oh. Wow. Okay. That was new.

I experimentally tugged at his hair once more and he pushed his hips into mine, a small groan vibrating against my mouth.

Okay, yeah. I could totally get used to that.

He broke the kiss but didn't pause; he kissed, bit, and licked his way down my jaw, causing me to squirm, before moving along my neck, giving little kitty licks and nips to my pulse point. I almost mewed, my head falling back at the feeling, my back arching up off of the mattress.

He pushed my hoodie off of my shoulders and I sat up, shrugging the rest of the way out of it. I undid his own sweatshirt and he tugged it off, tossing it to the side along with mine.

I turned back to him, suddenly feeling very naked in my jeans and thin t-shirt, the soft cotton just a little bit too tight, the denim taut around my legs. But I didn't hesitate; I gripped the hem of his own shirt, pulling it up and he raised his arms, allowing me to get it the rest of the way off of him.

I bit my lip so hard I half expected to draw blood. Muscles galore…smooth, tanned skin…a playground for horny females.

And apparently that included me.

"You okay?" he asked me, frowning a little in worry, and I nodded.

"Yeah." To prove it, I kissed him deeply. He kissed me back and I placed my hands on his pecs, before moving to his biceps, feeling them flex under my fingertips as he shifted slightly. Down to his abs, tracing the V of his hips to the waistband of his jeans, the soft feather down of his happy trail brushing under my thumb.

He let me explore, never hurrying me up, never pulling back to ask what I was doing. He just let me take my time, let me get comfortable with his body.

I finally severed the kiss, my head spinning. He blinked at me, falling back onto his knees, my legs crashing to the bed.

But I hadn't had enough, not even close.

Locking my gaze with his, I lifted my shirt, chucking it to the side so that it joined his. James' eyes raked over my upper body, taking in my tiny frame, my purple and white polka dotted bra, the slight bit of cleavage I had.

My body heated up under his stare, but not in the embarrassed, humiliated way. This was more primal, more instinctive, a reaction.

And wow, I just sounded like my mom when she had given me The Sex Talk.

"You sure you're okay with this?" James asked me.

I nodded. "If I'm not, I'll let you know."

"Okay," he agreed, kissing me again. I trailed my fingers down to the buttons of his jeans, slowly popping them open until the waistband was loose around his hips. I rolled them down and he kicked them off. I heard the muffled flump as they made contact with the floor, but I didn't pay any attention to them.

I could feel a certain something pressing against my leg and I shyly moved my fingers down the front of his boxers until I made contact.

Oh. That was different.

James let out a shuddered gasp as I palmed him. I smirked a little, enjoying the way his cheeks flushed, his eyes darkening with pleasure. I certainly had no complaints.

After a few moments, I let my hand drop and he whined in protest, but stopped when he realized I was unbuttoning and unzipping my own jeans. I wiggled out of them, waiting for the moment when I would become exposed, half naked to him.

It never came.

Even as he let his eyes wander over my legs, taking me in, my shyness and uncertainty refused to make an appearance. Instead I wrapped my legs around his waist again and lifted my hips, pressing myself against him.

Holy fuck.

There weren't words to describe the way lightning seemed to flash in front of my eyes, or the sizzle that shot through my body, or the way my limbs seemed to hum in appreciation as he pushed back against me.

My eyes fell shut as I raised my hips again, more than a little aware of Mini-James moving against me, only the thin cotton of his boxers and my panties separating us.

If sex was anything like this, then why the hell would anyone want to get out of bed?!

And then James shifted our positions again so that I was on top of him. He gripped my hips, controlling them, pushing me against him and dry lightning crackled through my veins, sparklers erupting in my very bones.

This couldn't be normal.

Something this amazing couldn't be considered usual.

Still no complaints.

I moved against him, rocking my hips as he lifted his, our moans intermingling in the quiet room, an echo in an empty cave.

I lost all sense of time, with no idea how many minutes or seconds or hours had passed by; the only thing that mattered was James, the way he was pushing against me, how he was moving against me so perfectly, the soft whiny sounds falling from his lips.

The pleasure built, at first gradually, and then almost too quickly. All too soon it peaked, exploding like hot lava streaming down the side of a volcano, and my body tensed. I could hear James' name roll off my tongue in a weak whimper, and then I felt his body go rigid as he groaned out my name.

The fireworks cleared, my vision restored to normal, and I blinked down at him.

He panted hard, pushing his bangs out of his face before softly brushing my hair off of my shoulder.

I did my best to catch my breath, waiting for both my brain and lungs to begin working normally again. "Is it – is it always like that?" I finally managed to gasp out.

"Is – what always like that?" He blinked, eyes still a little dazed.

"Dry humping. Sex." I blushed slightly.

"Oh. I guess it depends on the person," he said slowly. "It's not always like that. In fact, it rarely ever is. That was – that was the equivalent of pretty damn good sex."

I blinked too. "It was? But that wasn't even actual sex."

He grinned a little. "Yeah, I know. Which is what makes it so fucking good."

I ran my fingers through my now messed-up hair, trying to wrap my mind around that. If dry humping was that good, I could only imagine what sex with him would be like…

Before I could really begin to form a coherent opinion on that, James gently smacked my ass. "I need to go get cleaned up," he said, pecking my lips.

"Right. Okay." I settled back against the pillows, stretching out languidly as he got to his feet, making his way across the room and into the bathroom. The door closed and a few seconds later I heard the shower running.

I pointed my toes before flexing them, enjoying the stretch in my calves. My muscles felt tired but loose in the best possible way, warm and nicely overworked like after you've just beaten your record on the treadmill.

Mmm…who needed a treadmill when you could have that? I wondered if what we had just done counted as burning calories…I bet it did. Best cardio vascular workout ever.

It was strange, but my tendency to over think and plan out everything wasn't popping out. It was like it had shut itself away for the night in a boarded up log cabin, sleeping the hours away and not paying attention to what I was doing.

Which, I decided, was probably a good thing. Now was not the time to over think and over plan everything. I wasn't in the mood to freak out or wonder if I had just crossed a line, or try to figure out how fooling around with James fit into my life's plan.

Besides, I wanted to do it again.

A minute later, the shower shut off. I could hear James moving around in the bathroom, before opening the door and stepping out with just a fluffy towel wrapped around his waist, just like he had done that morning.

The towel needed to come off, like right now.

And wow, my attitude towards sex and naked James had really changed in the past few days. How the hell had that happened?!

I sat up, watching as he moved over to his suitcase, pulling out a clean pair of boxers.

"You know," I informed him, looking away respectfully if somewhat reluctantly when he dropped his towel, "you are an awful influence on me."

"Are you complaining?" he wanted to know. "And I'm decent."

I turned back to look at him. "I probably should be, but I'm not. Strangely enough, I'm okay with all this."

"Wow, that is strange," he deadpanned and I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Shut up."

"Oooh, real scary."

"Come over here and I'll show you real scary."

He laughed, crawling onto the bed with me and kissing me deeply. I kissed him back, threading my fingers in his hair. After a few seconds, he pulled back, a smile lighting up his face.

I brushed his bangs out of his eyes, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him down on top of me. Our eyes met, his tender and gentle and warm, so intense that my breath caught in my throat and I could feel a light fluttering in my chest.

He laid down beside me and I cuddled into him, resting my head on his chest. James stroked my hair, his other arm settling softly on my stomach. I shifted slightly, reaching for the bedside lamp and switching it on. I got up and turned overhead light off, leaving the bed area flooded in a golden glow. I collapsed beside James again, grabbing his arm to place it around me, when the light caught the tan of his skin just right. Icy white slivers stood out on his wrist, like stars glittering against the night sky. A shiver went down my spine and I lifted his arm to the light.

Sure enough, his wrist and forearm were flecked and marked with long healed scars, some thin and short, some wide and long.

It wasn't like I wasn't aware that plenty of people out there partook in self-harm. I had even attempted it with a razor once after my dad died to try to ease some of the emotional pain, but all it did was make me bleed a lot. A little too much stinging for my taste. I knew Camille had done it a few times as well in middle school when she was being bullied coldly and ruthlessly, and she still had the scars.

But seeing them lining James' arm, tokens of pain and suffering, of confusion and sadness, was shocking.

James jerked his arm out of my grasp, refusing to look at me.

"James…" I bit my lip, trying to figure out what to say.

"Just…just don't. Okay? I don't want to talk about it." He reached over, clicking the lamp off, and as he did so I spotted a long white strip trailing along the inside of his left wrist, dangerously close to the veins.

I turned the lamp back on, grabbed his arm again and flipping it over. The scar wasn't as faded as the others; sharper, clearer. Definitely the most recent one.

"What happened here?" I asked, almost surprised at how calm my voice sounded. I might as well have been asking him how he had gotten the scar on his neck or how he had managed to get a paper cut.

I could see him clamming up, the way he was twisting his body away from me, expression guarded and defensive, so I did the only thing I could do: I grabbed his face and kissed him forcefully, forcing him to lose his defenses. And sure enough, after a few seconds he kissed me back, melting into me.

I pulled back after a few moments, looking him straight in the eye. "Did you cut because of your stepmom?"

After several long heartbeats during which he blinked, expression a little dazed, he fumbled out, "Wouldn't you?"

"Probably," I admitted.

"I'm never going to have to deal with her again. Last summer was the last time I had to put up with her shit. It's not going to happen again."

"James…cutting is an addiction…"

"Can we please talk about something else? Look, I just don't want to have to think about it. I have to look at the scars every day and live with the memories of what she's done. I just can't talk about it."

"I'm – don't you usually cover this one up?" I indicated the fresh scar.

"With a wrist cuff or rubber bracelets with sayings on them."

I had a vague memory of seeing him wearing a spiked cuff on his left wrist the first day we met, and then rubber bracelets the next day, but they had disappeared after Tuesday.

"Can we just…can we just not think about any of this tonight?" James asked, almost pleadingly. "Not think about my stepmom or your dad?"

I nodded, scooting closer to him. "Yeah. We can deal with everything once we get back to Dalton Prep."

"Thank you."

"Anytime." I kissed him again, shoving him flat on his back and crawling on top of him. He reached over, turning the light off, and we melted into the darkness together.

It was after midnight by the time we finished a second – okay, third – round, panting and gasping and trying to catch our breath.

James pushed his hair out of his eyes, as I rolled off of him, collapsing on the bed. "We're going to go all the way one day," he stated. "Once you and Zach are over for good, and you're ready."

I shot him a teasing smirk. "You're awfully confident, aren't you, Mr. Diamond?"

"Miss Knight, you haven't seen anything yet."

"I'm looking forward to it." I stretched out and frowned as my stomach grumbled. And it was then that I realized just how hungry I was. I felt like I had gone into hibernation for a long, cold winter, and had just woken up. I needed food.

James grinned. "Hungry?"

"Very. Think there's any food left?"

"God, let's hope so. I'm starving."

We got to our feet, throwing pajamas on, and tip-toed as quietly as we could out into the hall and down the stairs, into the kitchen. I flipped on the light and led the way over to the fridge.

There was leftover pizza, but it was the Hawaiian one and I had a huge issue with pineapple on my pizza.

"There's cheese as well," James commented from behind me. "And bread. You liked grilled cheese?"

"I love grilled cheese. I haven't had it in years, though."

He moved around me, grinning as he pulled the bread and cheese out. "Then step aside, because I'm about to make you my famous grilled cheese sandwich."

I giggled. "Your famous grilled cheese sandwich? What the heck is that?"

"An amazing combination of bread and cheese, of toasty-ness and warm gooey softness."

"Wow, okay. Go for it. I've got to try this."

His grin widened and he grabbed the butter out from one of the cabinets, before locating a spatula and a frying pan. I snatched a water bottle out of the refrigerator and plopped down at the table, watching as he prepped the pan and got to work on the sandwich.

Before long, I could smell the warm scent of grilled cheese. For a split second I flashed back to Saturday afternoons in the kitchen with my dad, when he would make Kendall and me grilled cheese for lunch while Mom was at work, trying to get ahead, trying to prove to Mr. Wilder that she was worth her weight in gold. He would chat with us about our weeks, give us advice about classmates we were having problems with or laugh at our stories about stuff that happened on the playground at recess.

And then I was back in the present, James smoothly sliding the sandwiches onto plates and setting one down in front of me.

"Enjoy," he said as he moved back to the sink to wash up the few dishes.

"I will." I took a bite and my eyes widened. "Oh my God. I don't know if it's because it's been so long since I've had grilled cheese, but this is fucking amazing."

"If I got you to say the F word, then the hype really must be true," James smirked.

I didn't even bother rolling my eyes. I just went back to eating my sandwich. It was every bit as good as my dad's used to be, maybe even better. I had no idea how that worked since they involved the exact same ingredients and the exact same procedure, but somehow it had happened.

"How do you even do it?" I asked him. "Grilled cheese is grilled cheese. How can you make it so good?"

His smirk widened. "It's a family secret."

"Really?"

"Nah, not really. It's just my secret. When my parents were in the process of divorcing, I spent a lot of time alone and I kind of had to learn how to feed myself."

"Can you make other stuff?"

"A few things, mostly simple stuff like tacos and hamburgers."

"You should cook for me sometime," I suggested.

"As long as you bake me cupcakes once in awhile," he replied, taking his seat beside me.

"It's a deal."

We finished eating and headed back upstairs, closing and locking the door before crashing on the bed once more. Tomorrow we would be heading back to Dalton Prep, but at least we still had tonight together.

The next morning we dragged ourselves out of bed, showering and dressing, before gathering our stuff together. We loaded it into the two different cars, cleaned up any leftover messes, and locked up the house.

"Thanks so much for inviting us," Carlos said to me. "It was a lot of fun."

I smiled at him. "It's not a problem. You and James should come up with us again next time. We usually come up here a few times a semester, so this'll definitely be happening again."

James cut his eyes to me, and I looked back at him, seeing the hopeful look in those hazel orbs just for a split second before he rearranged his features back in a perfect mask.

The drive home was a lot quieter than it had been coming up here. We stopped at a McDonald's for lunch before continuing on. At last, we pulled into the student parking lot and got out, grabbing our luggage and heading for the front door.

And waiting on the front steps, holding a bouquet of roses, daisies, every kind of flower imaginable, was Zach.

I looked at him as we approached. "What're you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," he replied, walking down a couple of steps to meet me. "Here." He held the flowers out to me.

"Zach…"

"Please. Can we go somewhere and talk?" he begged.

"Fine," I sighed. "Just let me take my luggage up to my room."

"Okay. I'll go with you."

I glanced over my shoulder at James as Camille, Zach, and I made our way forward, my stomach twisting. He was staring at me, his face so carefully blank that it was like looking at a store mannequin, his expression, his eyes, so pointedly devoid of emotion.

I squared my shoulders, determined to keep my resolve. I wasn't going to let Zach manipulate me and string me along like a puppet.

I dropped my bags off in my room and Camille sat down on the bed, giving me a warning look as I walked out again with Zach. He led me out of the building and into a quiet corner of the courtyard. We sank down on a bench together and I turned to him. "What is it you want to say?"

"I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend," he began. "And I get it. I know I've been a total ass. I know that I've treated you and your friends badly. And I'm sorry."

A week ago I might have lapped up his apology. A week ago I didn't have someone so much better waiting on me.

I licked my lips slowly. "I might actually believe you if it didn't sound so scripted. Goodbye, Zach. We're over." I stood up but before I could even take a step away from him, he grabbed my wrist, yanking me back down onto the bench with him.

"I don't think so."

I swiveled my neck to look at him and for the first time ever in his presence I was scared. Like James, he masked his features, his emotions, but unlike James, it wasn't to hide the pain and anger from a ruined childhood. It was to keep people from seeing just how dark his eyes could go, how thin his lips could press, how wickedly he could look at someone, and not the mischievous, playful kind of wicked. The type that was used to terrify people, to manipulate them, to force them to do whatever he wanted.

I swallowed hard, trying to jerk my arm out of his grasp. "Let go of me!"

"Here's the deal, Katie. You're being really, really selfish, breaking up with me just to run off with James Diamond."

"He's treated me better in a week then you have in the past two and a half years!" I snarled, still trying to break his grip.

"I don't really give a damn how he's treated you. What I do give a damn about, however, is what happens to me once you break up with me. You see, your popularity and your power is my popularity and power. I'm your boyfriend, and therefore everyone loves me."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Please. Teachers love me. People who wouldn't normally look twice at me strike up conversations with me in the hall. I was named captain of the football team. And I'm not going to let you ruin my senior year by breaking up with me and taking my popularity away from me. Because that's exactly what's going to happen, especially once everyone figures out who you're going out with now."

"James Diamond isn't popular or powerful by any means," I gritted out.

"No, but he's obviously got something that keeps you hanging on. And if you're not running from him, screaming your head off, then everyone else will think there must be something about him that's worth keeping. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let James Fucking Diamond get what I rightfully deserve. As long as everyone continues to love me and think I'm the best thing that's ever happened, I'll be able to get a scholarship to a school like Yale or Dartmouth. I'll be able to take over my family business. After all, popularity and power means success at life."

"Let go of me!"

"I don't care what you do or who you do in the shadows when no one's looking. I couldn't care less. But as far as anyone is concerned, we're still together and you're still madly in love with me."

"You're nuts. What the hell makes you think I'd even agree to that?!"

"Your mom works for my dad. My dad listens to me. So, let's say I was to give him a call and tell him that you've been cheating on me and your mom knows about it. He'll fire her within seconds when he realizes just how hurt and heartbroken I am."

I stared at him in horror. "Who the hell are you? What happened to you?"

"It's called high school, honey. Or maybe more accurately put, life." He finally released my wrist and I rubbed it, already seeing the skin turning a red-purple color. "So, we have a deal. You're with me in the public eye."

"So I can be with James behind everyone's back?" I spat out.

"Do you really think that he'd buy that you want to cheat on me?" Zach laughed coolly. "Please. And I doubt you want to be known as a cheating skank, which is what will happen if you're caught. So, think about that. Have a good afternoon, Katie." He leaned down and kissed me. I turned my face at the last second, but he placed his hands on both cheeks, steering my lips back to his. I refused to kiss him back, but it didn't seem to perturb him in the least. He just straightened up and walked off, leaving me alone on the bench, my wrist throbbing painfully.

So, uh, how many of you want to kill me? Wait, don't answer that! Just...uh...I'm sorry, okay? Okay, not really. This was something I've been planning since I started the story, so I knew it was going to happen. Please forgive me?

Thank you for reading and please review! Feel free to cuss me out if it makes you feel better.