Well, today was just a bundle of surprises. First Rin shows up in class. Then Gou gets in the pool and everything. I think it must be an omen of some kind. This many weird things aren't supposed to happen in one day. I mean, Ren and Ran got through all of dinner and right up to bedtime without fighting. That's a real surprise. And Rin's little comment brought on a couple of surprises of my own. I'm keeping them to myself for a while though.
I don't really know what I'm supposed to think about myself. Am I normal? Is it normal for a guy to hang around with a bunch of other guys while being virtually naked? Is it normal for you to start thinking about them a certain way after a certain while? Is it just me appreciating that Haru's beautiful, or is it more than that? I mean, I guess I've always known, somewhere, that Haru has a pretty great figure, and if he was a girl, I'd be all over him like… I don't know, something that gets all over you. But… is it okay that I still want to be all over him, even though he's not a girl? What would Mum and Dad think? What would Rin think? What would Haru think? I don't feel like I know him well enough to answer that myself anymore. I feel like I don't know myself well enough to answer all of these other questions. You see in movies and whatever that love always wins out in the end and that love is stronger than anything… but it's really not that simple, is it? Is this love that I'm feeling? Is it right? Is my love defiled in some way, because it's for another guy? Will I ever be happy with just friendship now? Now that I think about it, it's always been this way. I've had my fantasies, just like any person. And, no matter who else was in them, Haru was always there. It always made its way back to him. So, I guess I've wanted more than just friendship for a long time. But, is it worth the risk? If I tell him about all this, how do I know that things won't change between us? Is it better for me just to pretend I'm fine being just friends, so that we can always be just friends? Or should I go all or nothing? I don't know the answers. I never have, and maybe I never will. I just toss about in bed trying to find them, but, if one thing's certain, they're not here. But I need to know… is it normal to feel this way?
Today was a good day. Rin managed a transfer. I don't know how, but I don't really care. I'm glad I can see him again. But I'm a little angry. Why did Ama-chan-sensei put him up the front when there was a perfectly good seat in front of me? She's probably got some fifty-million year old quote from a corpse to back her up, but I don't really care. Especially after his quip today, I want as much of him as I can get.
Is that okay, to say that? Is it okay for me to be possessive of another guy like that? Is it okay to feel like all of him isn't enough? Aren't girls supposed to feel this way? I was trying to go to sleep, but I can't get settled with all these thoughts in my head. So I get up and go for a run. I don't know if I was trying to run away from them, but I know it didn't work. They stuck over me like a cloud. Is it okay to feel like that about another guy? Is it okay to feel like that at all? Would it have been easier if I was a girl? I still could have swum all I liked. I guess I never would have met Rin that way. But, at least, if I did meet him, it would have been okay to feel this way. Is it okay to feel this way anyway? I don't know anymore. I hate feeling like this. And for some reason, whenever I do, it's always about Rin. The first time he quit swimming in middle school. When he said he'd never swim with me again at prefecturals. When he tried to quit swimming for good at regionals last year. I get so confused, even the water doesn't seem inviting anymore. Why? Why is it all about Rin? He's not the only one I like swimming with. What about Nagisa? What about Rei? What about Gou, after her little bout this afternoon? I know I wouldn't feel that why if any of them gave up swimming. What about Makoto? We've been together for forever and a day. Would I feel that way if he left? Why do I feel this way about Rin, but not about him? Is that right? He's known me so much longer, so shouldn't I like him the best? I'd be sad if he left, but if Rin was there, I feel like I could keep going on. That's not right. I don't know what isn't right about it, but it's not right. And why Rin? He's abrasive, abusive, unreliable, dishonest, cold. Makoto is better in every conceivable way. So why? Why is it all about Rin? I need to know… is it okay to feel this way?
It's been a long time since I was last living in this room. A really long time. And I have so much stuff. I never realised how many clothes and books and whatnot I'd racked up over five years at boarding school. I racked up a few other things too. The thing about boarding schools – you wind up living in a building full of other guys. And when you're at a school for elite swimmers, some of them are fairly nice to look at. And when you spend five years there, you come to know a few things about yourself.
So that's why I'm not uncomfortable at all around Makoto and Haru. I can't exactly judge them for anything – I'm exactly the same. But that's not the point, is it? I'm not really sure, but I've always felt like I was the one on the outer. In our old relay team, Haru and Makoto were a couple, even if they didn't realise, and Nagisa was younger, so he didn't really count. So I was sort of left alone. Like, together, but alone. It's a weird feeling. And in Australia, it was the same. I was one of the only foreign students there, and the only Japanese one, and I didn't speak English that well at first. I got better as time went on, obviously. But, by the time I was speaking fluently enough, everyone had already made up their little cliques and I couldn't have made a friend no matter what. So there I was again, alone in a crowd of thousands. I don't know if any of the other students there swung that way, but I never would have gotten to know anyway. Samezuka was probably the best. If nobody else, I had Ai on my tail like a dingo. Except, dingoes are threatening. Now, I do know that he sways that way. He mightn't have said it in as many words, but it didn't exactly take a genius to tell. But now I'm back at Iwatobi. And Haru and Makoto are a couple again, and Gou's my sister, so it doesn't really count. Nagisa and Rei might be a couple as well. It's not hard to see. Shame that. I was kind of hoping Rei would feel the same way I do. It seemed that way. He couldn't really get close to the club, because apparently they were always on about me. So, I thought, if I was lucky, he'd feel like he was alone in the crowd too, and we could be alone together. I wonder if he sways that way? I hope so. He mightn't be the best swimmer, but he must have done something to get him as built as he is. And no way could he swim butterfly as a beginner if he wasn't athletic beforehand. I wonder what his theories would say about this? Would we be a good match, in his eyes? I don't see what's not to like. We've got the whole opposites attract dynamic going on. So from there, it's not too much more, is it? But what if he is with Nagisa? Where does that leave me?
Ah, what a day! I never thought Rin-chan would come to us! Or that Gou-chan would get in the pool! Don't you love it when everything just seems to go your way? Or, well, almost everything.
I'm not exactly uncomfortable with the way I am. I've known for a while now. And it's not really much of a surprise to anybody, is it? I'm girlier than half the girls I know, so it's not really much of a shock that I'm not attracted to them. I haven't really told anyone though. No-one needs to know except me and anyone I end up dating, I think. So I'll keep my cards to chest a little longer. But I have to wonder, what does Rei-chan think? Sometimes I wish I could read his mind the way Mako-chan can read Haru-chan's. I just… really want to know what he thinks of me. He's open with me as it is, but there some things I just can't tell for myself. But I don't want to ask them, either. I'm a forward person, but there are boundaries on this kind of thing. We each have our secrets, and even though I hate it, it's probably staying that way for a while yet. And, of the five of us, he's the newest. I know the least about him. I know Haru-chan and Mako-chan were made for each other, and I know Rin-chan feels left out sometimes, but comes around in the end. But Rei-chan. I can't tell what he likes. Does he like other guys? Or does he like girls? Or both? I can't even tell. And that sucks, because I don't know whether or not I can chase him. He seems to be into Gou-chan. So, does that make him straight? Well, I know a little theory, too, and it says that gayness is linked to higher order intelligence, and Rei-chan's as high order as I've ever seen. He'd know that, too, I'm sure. So is he gay? Maybe he's somewhere is the middle? That'd be fun. Refreshingly different, and really cute. Just like Rei-chan. So is he bi? I wish I knew. But either way, I know I'm competing with Gou-chan. He was totally ogling her today. So if he's straight, maybe I can turn him, or if he's bi, well, then I can save myself the effort. But, I wonder if I can beat Gou-chan?
Well, today had plenty of unexpected turns. I can say the probability of Rin-san (-senpai) getting a transfer wasn't something I'd considered. Theoretically, it's foolish. There's absolutely no reason that he should have moved away from a swimming powerhouse if he wants to make it to the Olympics, and if he's shooting for university, Samezuka is preferable to Iwatobi in virtually every respect. But it's interesting seeing how everyone reacts. I might be the recent addition, but I think that the five of us are still a team, no matter. Well, I say five, but there's six club members.
Gou-san. I can't determine how I should be thinking about her. Theory would dictate she should be nothing more than a friend. But somehow that just doesn't sound satisfying. I feel like I want to know her better and understand the way she thinks and feels. She's not beautiful, so it's not a physical attraction, I don't think. Or, well, she's not traditionally beautiful. But there's something a little bit different about her that makes her beautiful nonetheless. But then, I went running my mouth off, saying she's not beautiful at all when Nagisa-kun asked. Nagisa-kun… I'm not sure how I'm meant to be thinking about him either. I know, in theory, that homosexual attraction is typical of beings of higher intelligence, like humans, so I'm in the clear, if not superior, in a basic Darwinist evolutionary sense. But that doesn't mean everything will go over in practice. Again, it's much the same… I shouldn't want anything more than a friendship from him, but I do. He's not exactly beautiful either. But his personality is. Is this right? Is it right that I'm torn between feelings for a boy and a girl? And is it right that the decision is so difficult? Is it right that I feel like I can't talk about this until I find the answer myself? I don't think there's a theory for this, but I still need to know if it's right.
What a doozy today was. First Onii-chan goes and transfers to Iwatobi, joins the swim club, and then we just have a little day off, and suddenly everything's on its head. I know that Onii-chan is just upstairs now, and I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. It's been so long since we were last together properly, and we hardly spoke all day. I'm having a few regrets about my decision to join them all today. Was it really a good idea?
Well, Rei-kun didn't seem to think so. Him and all his stupid 'this is beautiful' and 'this is not beautiful'. Doesn't he know it's not appropriate to judge people by their looks? Especially not women. And most of all, not women my age. I have enough trouble convincing myself I'm beautiful as it is, so I don't need any help to dislike my body, thank you very much. I don't think I'm ugly. But I know I'm not beautiful. Well, my hair's pretty nice, but my waist is a little wider than I'd like and my skin is pale and blemished and my eyes are disconcerting. Seriously, who has red eyes? It wouldn't be a lie to say I've considered some pretty drastic things to try and be more beautiful, but I've not had to resort to them yet. I shouldn't have to, should I? I mean, Nagisa-kun said he thought I was beautiful. Well, he said it, but I don't know if he meant it. I would have a hard time believing that. I mean, even I don't think I'm beautiful, so why the hell would he? And… even if he did mean it, I don't think it means the same to him as it does to me. He probably means I'm right for someone else, and I'll be able to catch just anybody being just half-pretty. But I don't want just anybody. I want him. But I don't think I'll get him. He's aiming for someone else. I don't know who, and I don't really care because that person isn't me, and that's all I need to know. It could even be another guy. It wouldn't surprise me. But, still, I don't think he and I will ever be a pair. I'm not beautiful enough or sporty enough or smart enough or anything to draw in any major catches. Well, I guess I'll just be stuck staring at muscles forever. I roll over in bed again, trying to think about anything but this. And I think about Onii-chan and about how we haven't really spoken properly for forever and about all the opportunities I had to fix that today and about how each and every one of them wasted away like they were never there to begin with. When he was away at school, he only came back for about a month each year. So about four months in four years, that's all we had.
And now he's right in front of me and I can't do anything with it. Ah, I'm pathetic. I'm so bad at drawing matches I can't even be friendly with my own brother. I want to be close with him – what kind of sister would I be if I didn't? But I just don't know if I can be. I don't know if I can be close with Onii-chan or Nagisa-kun or anybody, so I just curl up into my pillow and try to fall asleep, but I fall a few tears instead.