Last night was rough. I normally sleep fairly poorly, and I always wake up late. But last night was really rough. I don't know if I slept at all. Normally, at times like that, I try listening to some music to try and relax, but most songs are about love and friendship, and those are two things I'm not really in the mood to hear about right now. I need to make a few decisions about what Haru is to me before I'm ready for that. Well, at the minute, he's my excuse to be late. I knock on his front door, and he doesn't answer. Again. So I look at the bathroom window, and steam's coming out. Again. So I go around to the back door, and it's unlocked. Again. I make my way in, and knock on the bathroom door. Again. "Haru, if you don't hurry up, we'll be late." Again. No response, so I just meander in. Again. And, sure enough, there he is in the bath, soaking in it like the world around him wasn't there at all. Again. And I walk over, and reach out a hand, offering to help him out with a smile. 'Here.' Again.

Oh, well, not quite 'again.' Normally, I close my eyes when I smile. I don't know why, it's just a habit I picked up. But this time, I open my eyes wider than normal. And as he reaches out and wraps his hand around my wrist, I notice I don't want him to let go. And I notice that I pull him up more slowly than normal, so my eyes have more time to dwell on any one part of his body. And I notice my eyes are straining to see through the steam coming off the bath, straining to see any little detail I haven't already seen, and all the ones I have. And when he stands up in full, I notice that I don't immediately go to let go and leave the bathroom like normal. I notice that I stay and just stare at him a little, and I notice that I hope he doesn't see me doing it. I notice he's wearing a swimsuit, and even though it's not a surprise, I'm surprised that I notice it's not the same one he was wearing at practice yesterday. It fits differently – the one yesterday was a little looser around his hips, and tighter down his legs, but this one is just all-around tight – particularly there. I swallow, somewhat uncomfortably. "Well, I'll see you downstairs once you're dressed." I walk out of the bathroom trying to be as un-awkward as possible, but I think it just made it worse.

"Makoto?" I crane my neck back to face him again, because I'd just turned the corner around the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? You seem a little strange today." And for a split second, it crosses my mind that I could just tell him everything, I could run back in there and hold him tight and maybe more, I could find out what he thinks about me and maybe we could skip school together and just bathe in our newfound feelings. And a split second later I realise that he could say no, he could push me away, he could call me a freak, he could leave me alone forever. It could be that we'd never recover if I told him everything. It could be that these mornings and the days together at school would just be over like they'd never started, and I couldn't deal with that.

"I'm totally fine. Don't worry. Just hurry up and get dressed." I smile again, and this time I do close my eyes because I don't want him to see I'm lying.

You know, I've never really noticed how helpless I'd be without Makoto around. I mean, I'd probably never make it to school, more or less every day. I'd probably spend my entire life in the bath. Or a pool, or something. Point being, I lean on Makoto more than I realise. It's not like I couldn't do it. I just wouldn't be paying enough attention to care. And, if I don't feel like talking, I know he'll talk for me. It's always been a little like that. But I don't feel like I care about him enough for everything he does for me. Is it right that I value Rin more than I do Makoto? It doesn't seem right. I'm taking so much time thinking about all these things I'm still not dressed a full five minutes later. I shake my head and get it all out, and I finally go downstairs. I haven't done up my buttons and I can't find my tie. I think it's downstairs. Sure enough, Makoto's holding it up. "Thanks." Is that really all I can say?

"You really don't need to thank me, Haru." He seems unsettled, but if he doesn't want to talk about it, I'm not pressing. If he won't talk about it to me, it's private. So I'll leave it alone. He'll talk when he's ready. He smiles again, but it seems kind of tight, like those 40-something women you see who are addicted to Botox. I worry about him sometimes. I hope he sorts it out soon. I get sad when he's sad.

So, do I value him more than I do Rin? We're walking to school, and he's talking about something. But I can't pay as much attention as I'd like. Until he mentions Rin. Suddenly, my ears perk up and I'm paying attention again. "How weird is it that Rin decided to transfer?"

"It really doesn't make any sense." I am irritated that he transferred? I'm not. It's so much better having him around. But I just don't know how I feel about him.

Makoto laughs. "You sound like you're disappointed." He sounds more comfortable than before. Am I disappointed? It's good that I can swim with Rin. I know that. But is that all I want?

"I'm not disappointed he transferred. I just can't figure out why." I hope Makoto thinks I'm just talking about the transfer. I've already figured out why he did it. Now I just need to figure out why I feel so weird about it. Why do I feel like something's gone wrong, even though everything's gone right? Why do I feel like I can't get close to him, even though he's right there? Why do I feel like he means more now that's he there? Why do I feel like he's the lynch pin that holds my life together?

"Well, I guess we'll just have to talk to him about it, won't we?" Good. Makoto swallowed it – he didn't even suspect what I really meant. I sigh, reflexively.

"Maybe." I wish I could. Even though he's right in front of me, I feel like he's nowhere near. School comes into sight just around the corner and Makoto breaks into a half-bred jog.

"Pick up the pace, Haru! We can't be late again." So I break into a half-bred jog as well and we half-bred jog up to the school gates and to our classroom and I can't help but notice Rin isn't there.

I'm a little bit out of practice at going to school. Well, not the classes and all that, actually going there. It's been forever-and-a-day since I last actually had to move to get to school. Australia was a bit weird. You moved from classroom to classroom, rather than teachers coming to you, so I still had to do some walking. And there's a right ton of land space down there, so the school was huge. Apparently, for Australia, it was fairly average size, but by Japanese standards, it was practically half a town. Well, not quite that bad. But it took a full ten minutes to walk from one end to the other. Which, more often than not, was my room to my first class. But that's only ten minutes, and it's only walking.

Samezuka was better, but more cramped. If I'd really felt the need, I probably could have fallen out of my bed into my homeroom seat. So I've gotten quite used to sleeping in. Or, well, more like waking up ridiculously early to go to swim training and then going back to sleep again. But today, I had no swim training, and a train to catch. Gou must have been shaking me for a full five minutes until I finally realised what the hell was going on.

So now we're late. Not late-late, but late enough that it won't look good on my second day. Well, it's not like they're going to kick me. I don't know if they have the option to do that. I half-hope not, but then I remember that even if they could, it's not like they would. Really. Why would you? A possible Olympian, and a certain university entry otherwise. Would you pass up a chance to say they were a past student? I'm more worried about Gou.

"Why did you wait for me? I could've gone by myself." We'd managed to snag two seats next to each other. Someone must like us today. But she twitches awkwardly and her feet turn in when I talk to her. How could that possibly be comfortable?

"Well… I wanted to make sure you didn't get lost. Mum said she drove you in yesterday, so it's your first time taking this route, isn't it?"

"It's the first time I've had to make it from the station to the school, but not the first time I've been to Iwatobi Station or High School. So it wouldn't be impossible for me to find my way there. But now you're going to be late. Surely that's not a good thing."

"Well, it's not like it's the first time a student's been a little bit late. It'll blow over by second period."

I frown a little. She seems to have covered all her bases, but I'm not convinced that's what she's actually thinking. The fact that's she staring down at her turned-in feet really doesn't help. Seriously, how can that be comfortable? "You sure that's all it's about?" If it isn't, why can't you look at me?

"Yeah." I can practically see the gears in her head turning as she tries to figure out something to say to keep the conversation going. She seems to come up blank, and she just keeps contemplating her knees, with her feet turned in like some demonic inverted penguin.

"Well, thanks. It means a lot." I turn away noncommittally, pretending to be all holier-than-thou like I hadn't just thanked her. It's weird. I don't know why I do that. It's just a thing. I don't like looking at people if they're about to start gushing emotions, and they normally do after someone says thanks.

"Don't mention it." She seems more at ease now. Even though I can't see her, I hear her straightening up and looking at me, finally. So I turn back and look at her, and she's smiling, and I feel like I did the right thing. "This is our stop."

The train screeches to an abrupt halt, and we stand up and get off. I take a look both ways and realise I'm not really sure which exit I should be taking. I feel like west is the right way, but east makes more sense when I try to lay out Iwatobi in my head. Gou grabs my wrist and drags me to the west exit. Well, at least my instincts aren't dead yet. "Hurry up, Onii-chan. We're already late." She lets go of my wrist and we both break into a mutual jog to try and get to school in a remnant of on-time.