Well, I was late. Later than I thought I would be. I have to stand in the hall for a full ten minutes. I never really got that. I mean, I was late to class, so what do they do? Make me later. It doesn't really add up. Oh, well. I'm not exactly complaining. I mean, why do I want to be sitting in there studying something stupid like physics or English? At least this way I have some time to myself.
Time to myself. What am I saying? I get too much of that. I spend so much time by myself, doing whatever, but why don't I ever go out with anybody? I don't mean go out like date, just go out like hit up the mall with the girls from my class or something. Or even with my own brother. We've practically been on opposite sides of the world for five years, give or take. We're like strangers and I hate it. I've always hated it. So he comes back home and all I can do is stare at my knees. Why can't I look level at him, and talk to him just like I can to anybody? Shouldn't he be easier to talk to? I mean, we're like, 50% the same person, aren't we? So why can't we act like it? I lean back against the wall, half-making to slide down it, but then I think that'd be a horrible idea. What if sensei came out and here's me on the floor? I'd probably have to stand out here for another ten minutes. Go figure. I wonder what they're doing in there? It's English now, I know that much. But, I wonder. Is Nagisa-kun pestering Rei-kun, trying to get him to help him or speak to him or do whatever? Is Rei-kun focusing in like some laser, ignoring the random hot guy battering him? What words are they learning? Maybe a new tense? I kinda gave up after the future. English makes no sense.
My life doesn't make much sense either.
I've really never understood what most people find so difficult about English. Well, speaking it's hard, because it has quite a collection of sounds that just don't exist in Japanese, so our mouths and vocal cords aren't used to producing them. But reading it and writing it are just an exercise in application of theory. There are a series of tenses, used for a series of purposes. And, at least English doesn't have inbuilt levels of propriety or formality in speech patterns. I can imagine an English speaker moving to Japan would make many a faux pas until they got the grasp of when to use which register. Learning English, we just have to learn words and tenses and we're done. No double-checking to make sure you didn't just call the emperor kisama. That would be awkward. Although, the tenses do become a little confusing at times. Really, why is there a need for three different kinds of past tense? If it happened in the past, that's all there is to it. And compound tenses are annoying, because you have to remember how to conjugate the auxiliary verb first, and then make sure your participle is right. And English doesn't have many rules for participles. I tried to make some sort of theory for it, but there's wasn't really any logic.
I hate it when that happens. Anything that can't be expressed in theory and deconstructed logically is not beautiful at all. Well, so I thought, anyway. But there are some things that just aren't meant to be theorised, I suppose. Like Haruka-senpai's swimming. Like why I can only swim butterfly. Like why, even in the middle of class, when I know she's standing outside, I still look over at Gou-san's seat and expect her to be there. Well, not expect. More like want. I just want her to be there so I can look at her. That sounds creepy, doesn't it? It's not really like that. Well, maybe a little. It's not like I want to look at her, I just don't want to look away. It's weird. And, it helps that, looking at her, I can see Nagisa-kun out the corner of my eye. I think I get the best view of him from this side. Gou-san looks over this way a lot, but I can never tell if she's looking at me or Nagisa-kun. I suspect the latter. I suppose she'd be envious of my view, then. Should I offer to swap seats? No, that's a bad idea. There's only a finite number of ways it could go wrong. But there are some very large finite numbers. How would I even explain that to her? "I can see you like Nagisa-kun, but I get the better view so since I like you, I'm being nice and saying we should swap places." That made even less sense than I thought it would. Besides, I quite like having this view. I get to look at both of them at once, size them up next to one another. Maybe it'll make my choice easier. It hasn't so far, but probability theory dictates I just haven't left it long enough. I don't really know if probability theory applies to this, though.
"Ryuugazaki-kun!" The teacher suddenly calls my name, and I stand up as much out of habit as anything else. I've been staring at the wall too long. I don't know where we're up to. "Read."
"Okay, sir." I gulp subtly as I pick up my textbook, not knowing if I'm on the right page or not.
"Rei-chan, it's page 60." Nagisa gives me a smile and a wink, and I blush a little and bury my nose into my book, finding page 60 as I do.
"Hazuki-kun, if you're going to help him, at least get it right. Page 72, Ryuugazaki-kun." I gulp again and make it to page 72, starting my reading in a not-inordinately long time. Nagisa-kun clasps his hand over his head in a mock beg-forgiveness sort of pose, and I pretend to be too busy reading to notice. "Good job. But pay attention next time."
"Thank you sir, and sorry. I will." I sit back and realise I'm breathing heavily. That was nerve-racking. I don't understand why people don't pay attention in class when things like that happen. Just my luck, the one time I was off guard, I got called. Now I look a fool. Not beautiful at all.
"Ah, Matsuoka-san. That's long enough. Come in now." The door slides open and Gou-san walks in, nonchalantly making her way to and subsequently sitting in her seat, settling neatly into my eyeline.
"Morning, Gou-chan." I smile at her with a delayed greeting, but it's the first time we've seen each other today, so it's cool.
"Morning." She can be so short.
"We were studying a new tense. Pluperfect. Think you can handle revising it on your own?' I wink at her, 100% sure she's going to say no.
"What do you think I am, stupid?" Well, that was non-sequitur. "Besides, Onii-chan lived in Australia for four years. I don't think I'm going to need help with English." The woman has a point. I hadn't considered that.
"You should be acing it then, Gou-chan! Wait for a perfect 100 on your next test!" I laugh at her, just a little. No way would she get a perfect score.
"Well, maybe. I just don't get English."
"I feel you on that one." There's something else I'm not getting in this classroom, not just the godforsaken pluperfect tense. I don't get what's going on with Rei-chan. I don't get why he spaced out before. I don't get why he fell for it when I told him the wrong page. I don't get why he translated a couple of the words wrong before he corrected himself – he never makes vocab mistakes. But most of all, I don't get why he's looking at Gou-chan instead of me.