Author's Note: Finally, shipping starts to get really out of hand. Also, some informal spoilers for The Rebellion Story. I don't actually explicitly state anything that's really plot-related, but anyone with a sufficiently functioning human brain and knowledge of the universe will be able to figure out the two major plot points of the film, as well as other elements that classify as spoilers. Watch the movie first if you plan to watch it all!
I enjoy it. Makoto presses his lips on mine, and I enjoy it. I enjoy the way his tongue playfully but powerfully pushes my lips apart and runs about in my mouth like an orca swimming free in the ocean. I enjoy the way I can taste every detail on the inside of his mouth if I try – taste the chocolates, and their rainbow-flavoured fillings. It tastes even better than mackerel. I enjoy the way it feels like nothing else exists, like the two of us are the universe and everything thing else rotates about us. I enjoy the way it feels like angels sing in my ear, and the way it feels like water comes up and surrounds me, joining and completing our embrace. But the water's nothing more than an illusion – the embrace completes itself. I enjoy the way I don't want it to end, even though I know it has to, and I enjoy that for now, nothing else matters. I enjoy that for now, Rin could live or die and I'd be none the wiser. I enjoy that just for now, my decision is made. I enjoy that I choose Makoto, and I enjoy that I can say with confidence that he's the right choice, even though I don't know if that's true yet.
But I'm also aware of where we are. I'm aware of the fact that this is a public area, and that anybody could walk in anytime. I'm aware of the fact that we're probably not the first couple to kiss on this floor, and all sorts of things could be crawling about underneath us. And I'm aware that Rin is sitting in the theatre, waiting for us to get back. So I close my mouth firmly and make it very clear that this kiss is over. I don't want to. But I know that it's fairly necessary at the moment.
"Well, I guess you don't really need a formal confession, do you?" Makoto smiles, stands up and brushes himself off like we hadn't just spat heaven into one another. "Sorry to do it like that. I know you don't feel the same way. Don't feel like you owe me anything."
Propping myself up to my feet, I go to talk, but I'm not sure what to say. "Makoto… I should be the one apologising." I try to think about the words before I say them, but I think that'll just make it worse, so I just let them come. "I'm sorry I never noticed. After all this time, I never even guessed. I must have hurt you a lot. So I'm the one who's sorry." I look away from his green eyes. They're so kind, even though I don't deserve it after what I've done to him. Maybe I can make it up with a secret of my own. "And…" This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to say to anybody. "It's not that I don't feel the same way. It's just that… I don't know whether I can yet." I look back at the door. Rin's waiting for us. "Because…"
"Stop right there." He must have read my mind again. "I don't want to hear you say that. It's enough to know that I'm in with a shot." He smiles at me again, and I can't look at it. How can he still smile at me so genuinely? "Let's go back. He's waiting."
We make our way back to the screen, and we file in quite naturally. Except it seems like Makoto made an appoint to split up me and Rin. He slides in and sits where I was, and we both pretend not to notice, and Rin doesn't. "What took you two so long?"
"There was a fair line." It slides so easily out of Makoto's mouth even I believe him for a second.
"Well, whatever. You didn't miss too much. It's about due to get interesting now."
And the promise is fulfilled. The plot starts setting into full swing. Kyouko and Homura start trying to leave, and it doesn't work out for them. Homura starts realising they're trapped in something, and she chases it down to being a witch's labyrinth. So who's the witch? At the moment, I think I am. I've gone and wrapped up Makoto and Rin in some sick game of who-loves-who. And I didn't even notice.
And the movie rolls on. Homura tries to kill Bebe. I don't know why she didn't just tell Mami these things. She could have saved a lot of trouble. And a bullet to the face. That could not have been fun. Well, I'm one to talk. I've scarcely ever been upfront about anything. It's just not my way.
And now she's having a heart to heart, or so to speak, with Sayaka. They're standing on a puddle, and Sayaka flicks little drops everywhere with her sabre. I perk up at the sight of water, Rin pushes back a laugh and Makoto just smiles at me. I stare at screen – half because of the action there, and half because looking anywhere else seems like it would hurt me the way I am now.
And the scene everyone's been waiting for finally comes. Homura confesses to Madoka, in a roundabout way. I don't know if like it. It really flies in the face of both of their characters. Homura wouldn't be so weak-willed as to stop fighting like that. And Madoka wouldn't say such stupid things. Who wants to live in a world that's not real? But I can sympathise. If I could have them both, I'd think twice whether reality was my priority, too.
This scene I do like. She was the witch all along. It was her. And I don't know why I feel sad about that. Maybe it's because she just wanted to be loved, and this is what she got for her trouble. Is that where I'm headed? Or, well, beheaded, if the movie's to be believed. But good wins out. Everyone's free, and mahou shoujou heaven still exists. Until a pair of black wings fly out of her shoulders. She tears Madoka apart, to make a facsimile to keep for herself. And, of all the things, Kyubey asks why. And her answer annoys me. The pinnacle of human emotion. Love.
That's not love. Tearing someone apart just to keep them to yourself is not love. It's selfishness, at best. You can't treat people like things. But I feel a hypocrite for saying that. I would do the exact same thing to Makoto and Rin, given the chance. So maybe I'm just selfish. I want to think that I love them, but I can't convince myself. Love is how Makoto feels about me. He doesn't want to own me or keep me or cage me up like a pet, just be with me. Why don't I feel like that?
I don't pay attention to the rest of the movie, because there's not enough space left in my brain for it. But when the credits roll, the song shoots like a bullet through my thoughts. It sounds happy, but it's lying. I hear the words and they tear at me like knives.
On the other side of the door open ajar, there is a world on the verge of collapse. We opened a door today, Makoto and I. Or, well, it was opened a long time ago, I just never knew. And somehow, I think the world on the other side is ready to give in at any moment.
In this room, the dream always sang you a gentle song. How sad is that? They've never even left that one room, and their dream has always been in there. But I have to wonder. I look across at Makoto and Rin. Could it be my dream is in this room?
What is truth? I chase the most believable world to your silver garden. What is truth? What is love? What are all these things I'm feeling? Am I supposed to know? Why can't the world make sense? I want to find a pool and drown myself in its normality and peacefulness, but I can't just leave.
Have you realised the truth always lies in the past? Hopes and futures are just selfish visions of someone in a distant garden. But nobody knows yet… Well, the past lied to me. I never so much as thought Makoto felt that way. So the past isn't true. And if all futures are selfish, why do we keep going? Although, I'm put at ease by that line… if all futures are selfish, I'm free to be as selfish as I like and I've not put a foot wrong. But something sounds wrong about that.
The dream concealed a kind person's lies and grief in its arms. The heart that lacks something is shrouded by light, and takes the shape of a girl. Well, my heart's lacking something, obviously. But why does it have to take the shape of a girl? Why can't it be shaped like one of the boys next to me, so at least I can have a shadow for myself?
Stay beside me softly and please don't leave me. Chirp your song by my window and please don't leave me… Rin's already left me once, and even though I know Makoto never will, something's different now that I know. Why can't they just both stay at my window, and just live happily ever after? Because this isn't a fairy tale, that's why.
And now it's over, and I stand up and head straight out of the theatre, not bothering to check behind me because I don't even think I care if the other two are following me or not. I need to be alone for a little while. But they are, and having a civil conversation to boot.
"Well, that was a good choice, I have to admit. I liked it more than I thought I would. Don't know what I think about that ending, though." Rin walks out with his hands clasped behind his head, the way he does when he's feeling at ease.
"It was weird though. And pretty scary." Makoto seems to shiver a little, at the memory of some of the shots. I'll admit, they were pretty jarring. Definitely not run-of-the-mill mahou shoujou. But nothing particularly frightening.
"Makoto, you'd be scared of a butterfly." Rin says it playfully, but pointedly.
"Hey! You could have at least tried not to sound insulting." They start staring daggers at one another, and I wonder whether they would mind if we were all together. I shake my head. I would. I think.
We make our way to the station with those two chatting just fine and me saying nothing. "Well, I can catch a train straight home from here, so I'm going this way. See you Monday." He waves and walks off, and we stand there watching him leave for no good reason.
"Makoto…" I don't really have anything to say, but it's too quiet. Well, there are thousands of people at the station like always, but in this little bubble that's just me and Makoto alone, a pin dropping would sound like a subwoofer.
"It's okay, Haru. I have to go and do a little shopping for Mum, so go on ahead if you like." He smiles at me again, and I can't look. He laughs, comforting. "I told you, it's okay. Don't worry about me so much. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself." And with that he waves and walks off and I just stand here like an idiot and watch him leave. And I realise he's not lying. He is big. I guess I never noticed how tall he got because he was just sort of always there. And he's broad. And as stupid as it sounds, I only really start noticing now how muscular he is. I studied Rin at the pool throughout the week, and I think I was subtle about it. But even though he's pretty much always been there, I've never really studied Makoto. Even now, trying to picture him with his swimsuit on, the more I think about it the less detail I know. The general picture is there just for the sheer fact of haw many times I've seen it, but it's all the little intimate details I just can't find in my head. Is he unbalanced? I noticed Rin's left side is a little bigger than his right, like he overtrained to compensate for it being his non-dominant side. Maybe Makoto's even. I'm frustrated that I don't know. I sigh, and resign myself to a melancholy Sunday, heading down to the platform and waiting for a train.
Something went either very, very wrong or very, very right. But, no matter which way, something was off about Haru. He seemed almost excited to get out of the theatre. And he didn't even touch his pineapple. Now that's a real cause for concern. Makoto wasn't so obvious, but he was pretty adamant about getting the seat next to me. I sigh loudly, relaxing my extended arm cleanly in the handle. (I'm standing on the train, by the way.) I'm tempted to clobber them when I see them next. Can't they open their eyes? No-one's ever tried to come between because they're stuck to each other like glue. No-one could fit. I wonder if I'm an issue for them, though. As the childhood friend, I guess I have some influence on both of them, and maybe I'm accidentally using it wrong or something, and making an argument I don't notice. But they should be together. They're really a good match. Just imagine them adopting a kid. I've never seen it for myself, but I have a little suspicion that they're already like parents to Makoto's kid siblings. I wonder who's Mummy and who's Daddy? Pushing back a laugh, I almost don't hear my phone go off. A text from Rei.
Can you meet me at the school pool tomorrow? I want help improving my stroke. Also, I have something I need to talk to you about.
A Sunday? Well, whatever. Our 'homework' for the weekend should only take about two hours, so I'll do that when I get home. That leaves plenty of time for Rei's sudden burst of enthusiasm.
Sure. What time?
I'm glad he wants to improve his stroke. If I'm gonna go giving up my relay position, he'd better be bloody fast. He has the strength for it, and a general grasp on the technique, but his shoulders are a little bit too loose and his kick overexerts his lower back. I'm just nit-picking, though. Considering he only learned how to swim a year ago, and with minimal formal training no less, he's one of the best swimmers I've ever seen.
Is 9:00 too early?
Well, I wanted to sleep a little longer than that, but it's all good. I can go to bed earlier. And I sleep solid. I can sleep anywhere, as long as I have my pillow. But, I'm curious. What is this thing he's got to talk about?
See you then.
I smile to myself. Maybe, for once, I've struck a good match. I think about logically for a second, and decide not to expect anything tomorrow. But I can't help hoping.
I sigh to myself, watching Haru leave on the train without me. Mum didn't need anything at all. But I think, right now, he and I both need some air. We'll see each other at school in a couple of days anyway, so for today and tomorrow, I think we'll be best figuring out exactly what we are to each other now.
Well, I know where I stand. I'm not sure where I got the courage to pull it off, but after that bathroom stunt, I know friendship isn't enough for me anymore. But now it's all up to Haru. I was happy when he said that. It's not that I don't feel that same way, but… That's one sentence I don't need to hear then end to. It's just I feel the same way about Rin too, and I'm not sure who to choose. I smile internally. He's never been good at big decisions.
It's enough for me that he knows how I feel (or, well, it is for now). I never expected he'd feel the same about me. I thought I was just a friend, the person that was just there no matter what, and Haru was shooting for Rin. But I'm glad he feels something in return.
That's not to say I'm not still disappointed. I wasn't lying when I said it was enough to be in with a shot, but I'd always imagined that when I told him, he'd say he felt the same and it'd just play out from there like some crappy romcom. This way, I can't feel sure he won't choose Rin, and after finally getting my feelings out there, I don't know how I'd deal with that. It'd hurt, for sure. But will it end up being an I'm-happy-you're-happy sort of thing, or will I just push myself aside to fester in my jealousy? I think I might fall halfway. I think I'd still have to smile for Haru. I couldn't bear not seeing him, so just while he's around, I can pretend it's okay. But behind the curtains, when I'm alone, I'd probably just be rotting away in my hatred for Rin.
That sounds awful, doesn't it? I know it's not right. Rin's an old friend, and it's not his fault Haru fell for him and me for Haru. But I still can't help hating him for it. I think that's just natural, though. Envy's just human nature. I don't hate Rin as a person, I just hate the part of him the Haru loves, because I want that to be part of me instead. But I was proud of how civilly I spoke to him at the theatre. It was all I could do not to throttle him, shake him and scream at him, "Why did you go and get between us like this?" I don't know why I'm blaming him for my problems. I know they're not his fault, but he's the only person I can think of to blame.
Another train arrives, I get on it, and I wonder if Haru's home yet. I wonder if I could just charge in there and demand an answer, the answer I want. I wonder if I was aggressive, more like Rin, could I make Haru choose me? Even if I could, that's not how I want it. If I have to play dirty to win, I'd rather lose, even when the stakes are this high. I sigh, and put the future to the future. I'll just do what I can for now.