Quockerwodger. - A wooden puppet, controlled by strings.
*You have gained 5 exp for learning a new word.*
You just need 283,437 more experience before you can increase your reading skill to level 2. This is a very important talent and raising your attribute in this skill will help you in many beneficial ways.
For instance, upon leveling up, you will be able to read a full page of text .042 seconds faster. Your long term memory will increase by 2 points and this will slightly raise your low intelligence level. Furthermore, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, you will be able to throw heavy books at +1 damage, and if you are in a crisis situation than you can bore the enemy to death by reciting the dictionary in alphabetical order.
Please note that these benefits are dictated by the roll of a dice and should you fail to roll the required number than you will not gain these skill sets. The number you need to roll is determined by your intelligence, strength, luck, and dexterity. Needless to say, you have a high chance of failing.
As you can see, increasing your knowledge in this attribute is crucial to surviving everyday life. You should dedicate the next four months training as a hermit on Mount Everest to improve your reading skills and train a better you. However, before you go on your journey, I will present to you a parable that you can contemplate on during your long length of isolation and frostbite.
Without further ado, I present to you, my vivid, enthralling, and scholarly rendition of the mortal mind through a Fire Emblem character.
*Ahem*
This is the story about a man named Gregor. Gregor is a sell-sword that works for anyone who will hire him. Gregor's job was simple, he would slice the enemy into pieces and then get paid. This is what Gregor did every day, of every month, of every year. And although others might have considered it barbaric. Gregor loved his job and fulfilled it with a strict code of honor.
And Gregor, was jolly.
…
And then one day something very peculiar happened. Something that would forever change Gregor. Something that he would probably never forget. He had been at the tavern drinking for nearly an hour when he realized that the inn was completely empty. Not even the bartender was present and Gregor had to fill his own drinks. It was bizarre and never in the many years of Gregor's life had this happened. Drunk, frozen solid, Gregor was unable to move from his bar-stool for the longest time.
But as he slowly sobered up and regained his senses, he got up from the bar and exited the tavern moderately intoxicated. He gazed out to the city through his blurry drunkard state, but to his mystification, he did not see a single person walking through the market place either. It was very odd indeed and Anna's worst nightmare.
Gregor decided to investigate this anomaly and searched for an idea on how to start...After straining his head for over five minutes, Gregor decided to go the castle and ask the Exalt about this strange issue, but as he reached the fortress, it too was abandoned.
"Yoo hoo! Anyone home to welcome Gregor?" He called out to an empty castle. No one was here either and Gregor would roam the halls for half an hour in search of any other life. Eventually, he came to a set of two open doors and Gregor felt a voice inside of his skull tell him that the secret to this nightmare lies behind one of the them.
"Hmm, Gregor has two choices to make. Gregor must think about what decision to choose." Gregor said without using the proper English language. He failed to realize that when referring to oneself it is best to use the indicator 'I.' His use of talking in third person also makes it harder to differentiate from his speech and my brilliant narration. But as Gregor thought over his mistakes in dialogue, he went through the door on his left.
"Oy! Gregor smells sweet treats coming from right door! Mmmmm, Gregor smells cake!"
*Ahem* But as he stood next to two open doors. Gregor entered the door to his left.
"But Gregor wants to enter the door on right!" He said emphatically. It was remarkable how a simple smell of pastries could distract Gregor from his quest to discover why everyone on the entire city had mysteriously disappeared.
"Hmm, who speaks to Gregor? Show yourself!" Gregor said disillusioned like he heard a voice, but not a single person was there.
"You can't fool Gregor, Gregor hears you speaking!" He cried.
*Sigh* Gregor's delusions were now affecting the story and therefore wasting the narrator's time. Gregor did not realize how imperative it was to walk through the left door, but yet he continued to delay our journey by smelling a false scent that came from the right door.
"What is special about left door strange sounding voice?" Gregor sai-
...Wait...no... that's impossible. There is no way he can hear me.
"Gregor is confused, who can't hear you?"
...Gregor?
"Oy, why does person keep saying Gregor's name?"
But how did you...? Gregor, You are not supposed to be able to hear my narration. It breaks the fourth wall! It disregards every ounce of legitimate story telling and ruins my narration!
"Gregor hears, but does not see mysterious voice"
Of course not! I don't exist, I have no tangible connection to reality. I am not even a part of this world so you should not even be able to hear me!
"But Gregor does hear you and your nar irritation."
... Narration.
"Gregor no understands."
*Sigh* I am the person that describes your thoughts, actions, and emotions.
"Hmm? Why?"
It's not important. Just pretend like you don't hear me so we can progress with the story.
"But Gregor does hear you and Gregor has many question to ask deep and invisible voice."
Look, Gregor, I don't have time for your questions and neither do the people reading the story.
"Hmm? Other people are watching Gregor too?"
Yes, that is why you are here Gregor, for their entertainment. But you are ruining this story by talking to me!
"Oy, Gregor does not want to disappoint nice people. "
*Sigh* Just enter the door on your left so we can continue and forget this.
"But Gregor still wants to enter the right door. Gregor smells heavenly scent of cake."
...
Listen you incompetent mercenary, what is more important to you, discovering the truth of the world around you or eating a pathetic cake?
"Hmm, tough question. Gregor will have to think for a moment." He said and scratched his head in deep thought. It was a miracle that he could think in the first place.
In fact, it was a miracle that anyone would even talk to him. Even more bizarre, he had TEN possible candidates for marriage, and hypothetically speaking, if Robin was a girl, which he isn't, than Gregor would have had eleven possible people he could have married. This was inexplicable and beyond comprehension. Gregor could potentially father every child in the entire world except for Lucina and Cynthia. How can a drunken oaf with no regard to the English language or story telling have so many people swoon over him?
What woman would even be remotely attracted to an old and rough mercenary? The only one older than Gregor would be Nowi and that raises a few alarm bells in itself. Everyone else that Gregor could marry was far younger than him and had a bright future ahead of them. And yet, they chose to tie themselves down Gregor even though they had much better options in their life. The Drunkard without one good quality in the world.
"Maybe ladies like Gregor because Gregor is nice and devotes soul to beautiful maiden. When Gregor sees beautiful flower, Gregor would do anything to see them happy. Even hurt self in process. Is nothing more special in the world compared to a lovely lady's smile."
Oh God, it's you again. Finished thinking already? Please elaborate to me on your well thought out and highly logical idea.
...
...
"Gregor has solution. Gregor will go through wooden green door that creaks like lost cub."
No! Gregor you are not suppose to say that!
"Mm? Gregor say something wrong?"
It's MY job to describe what the door looks and sounds like. That is the entire reason I am here!
"Oy, Gregor gives many apologies. Gregor will not describe the doors. Gregor will gallantly charge through door instead."
"NO! You are not supposed to describe your actions either! You are missing the entire point of this narration.
"What can Gregor say then?"
*Deep breath* Look Gregor...can you just enter the left door? ...Please? We are over a 1500 words into this story and you have not even moved from that spot.
"Okay...but Gregor has quick question."
WHAT?!
"Can Gregor go through right door first, get cake, and then come back to left door?"
NO! You can't go through both! That defeats the whole poetic analogy of duty over temptation. Furthermore, the cake is a lie. It doesn't even exist. It is just a ruse to distract you. There is nothing on the other side of that door. No cake, no pastries, and NO story.
"Oy, Gregor knows cake when Gregor smells one. You try to trick Gregor."
Oh for crying out- FINE, do whatever the hell you want Gregor. Why should I care? It's not like there is a story that I made specifically for you. I only spent years crafting the perfect story to show the world the true meaning of life just to have you waste my time and spend it eating a damn piece of cake. Go ahead you mindless animal. Go through the right door. I DARE you.
"Hmm, well if strange person dares Gregor than Gregor better go to the right door. Is good thing too, Gregor wanted to go this way." He said as he went through the...wrong door. Gah! not again. It was bad enough when Robin did it! At least when he ran away it was out of fear and cowardice instead of something as pathetic as gluttony.
...
"Hoho! Gregor was right! Gregor sees delicious cake filed with-"
Gregor that is my job remember! We have already been over this!
"Ha ha, sorry, Gregor forgets."
*Ahem* Upon entering the room. Gregor spotted a two layered white cake with strawberry's decorated on the sides. However, in his lust for this treat, Gregor failed to realize that the door locked behind him. There were no windows or other doors in this room and the walls were a dark and foreboding gray. There was only one piece of furniture in this small room and that was an old and withered table holding the cake. The room was only lit by one small light bulb that flickered every once in awhile. However, Gregor did not care and ate the cake without any notion of the event that transpired
...
...
...
"Mmm, Gregor is glad he came this way. Best cake Gregor ever had...Okay Gregor is ready to go through other door now."
You can't go back Gregor. The door locked behind you and there is no escape. You are trapped in this room for all eternity. I tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen to me.
"Oy! Why did door lock?" Gregor asked puzzled as he tried to open the door handle.
Because I said so. I control every door in the world.
"Hmm? Why would voice lock Gregor in room with cake?"
Because this is not just any room Gregor. This is my serious room. You may be able to pull your shenanigans out there in Ylisse, but now you are here, and in this room, I do not tolerate any of your jokes.
"Ha ha, nar irritator is very funny.
This is no game Gregor; you will find that I am quite serious. You see that table over there? That is the most serious table that you will ever lay eyes upon. I looked at hundreds of tables, perhaps even thousands, and I assure you that this is the most serious table out of all of them.
"Oy! Why does silly voice spend so much time looking at tables?"
Because it is a serious table Gregor. And it is time that you learned to be serious too. It is because of you that this story is ruined. There is no plot anymore to this parable. There will be no comforting resolution to your problem, and you have no one to blame but your gluttonous choices. It is time you understand the importance of being serious Gregor. I hereby sentence you to 2000 years of isolation in this room so you can grasp how important it is to be serious.
"But Gregor doesn't want to be in serious room."
You should have thought of that before you entered this room Gregor. The choices you make have consequences and it is time you learned... ... Good bye Gregor. I shall see you again in two millenniums.
"Oy! Where is strange voice going?
..
..
"Yoo hoo, mister guy who does the nar irritation thingy."
..
..
"Hmm, strange guy must have left room. Gregor does not want to be alone so Gregor will follow him...Hmm but door is still locked... Ah, Gregor has idea to fix problem"
...
God, am I glad that is over. Robin was never this difficult, and at least Chrom willingly accepted his fate. Frederick was the best character a narrator could have dreamed for, but this damn moron and his fixation on... ...Hmm, now that I think about it, how did that cake get in there? It was never supposed to in this story. ... ...Unless...yes, yes of course...the stupid author put it in there! He ruined my story on purpose! Oh how I loathe that bastard.
*Bam*
Huh? What was that noise?
*Bam*
Damn it, it must be ...him.
*Bam*
Gah, might as well see what the oaf is trying to do.
*Crash*
"Ha ha, door falls underneath foot thanks to Gregor's muscle. Gregor has strength of ox pulling a heavy wagon in the winter time!"
GREGOR! How were you able to break down the door? That is explicitly prohibited in the rules!
"Oy! There you are. Gregor was worried you left, but is glad to be hearing voice again."
Ugh, how much longer must I suffer your presence.
"Gregor is ready to go through left door now. Is what narrator wanted, yes?"
You want to go through the left door now? You really want to go through the bloody left door now?!
"Left door has a story, yes?
"Yes it Had a story, but it is useless now. The immersion and ambiance have been shattered into pieces. You have quite literally broken every law that was even in this story. The parable is just a bunch of rubbish now. My entire story ruined...because of you!
"Hmm Gregor has idea."
Oh Great! Another one of your brilliant schemes, I look ever so forward to your next stroke of genius.
"Stop it, Gregor blushes from flattery."
...That was sarcasm you buffoon. I am beginning to wonder who is stupider. You or the blasted author.
"Hmm, who is author? Is he person watching us too?"
My God, if I have to answer one more of your stupid questions than I will... Gah! Just tell me your dumb idea already."
"Gregor walks back to tavern and we restart this whole thing. That way immer-cion thing is no longer gone. That way we finish story, yes?"
...
...
Fine, let's get this disaster over with.
...
...
*Ahem*
This is the story about a man named Gregor. Gregor is a sell-sword that works for anyone who will hire him. Gregor's job wa-
"Oy! hold on just one moment. Gregor is no longer sell sword. Gregor retired after war with big angry dragon that tried to eat Gregor."
For the love of ... ... ...thank you for that completely relevant and helpful information Gregor.
"Of course, Gregor just wanted to make that clear.
...
...
And then one day something very peculiar happened. Something that would forever change Gregor. Something he would probably never forget."
"Um Mister nar irratator?"
What the blood hell now?!
"Gregor forgets where he is suppose it be in this scene."
You- ...Should... ...of all the... GAH!
That's it. Forget it, I will not tolerate you anymore. I am done, I give up. I will not be here any longer to condone your barbaric behavior. If you want to have your own adventure so badly than make your own stupid story. You can even give it a stupid name like Gregor's Quest. At this point I honestly don't care what you do with your life. I'd rather rot in hell than spend one more minute with you.
"Oy, what did I do?"
"What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?! No, I am not falling for another one of your traps. I am not doing it. I am leaving this instant.
Goodbye Gregor. May we never meet again.
"Goodbye funny voice. Oh, and goodbye other People. Gregor thanks you for being here."