Ugh. Monday. I've never liked Mondays. But this Monday in particular promises to be a shocker. Today'll be the first time I've seen Haru since the movies. And I'm not entirely sure I want to. And I don't know if he wants to see me either. He couldn't possibly have chosen already, could've he? It's only been two days. I hope that Rin and I are worth more to him than that. Oh, well, I hope I am, at least. I'm not so concerned about Rin, for my part. But still, I think two days isn't anywhere near enough. And I think that there'll be some fraught air between Haru and me before he makes up his mind. Not to mention how awkward it'll be with Rin around. But we'll manage.
Maybe not together, though. For the first time in a while, I don't have the inclination to go and check whether he's gotten out of the bath. And looking up towards his house, it doesn't look like he had the inclination to take one. That's the first time in forever. But I assume that he's capable of making it to school on his own devices, so I head off alone. "Makoto?"
"Good morning, Tamura-san." I smile at the old woman.
"You're not going to school with Haruka today?"
"He… had to go in early for some catch-up lessons, and I was going to go with him, but I overslept." I make up the lie in a rush hoping Haru doesn't choose this exact moment to walk past.
"Oh. Well, say good morning to him for me."
"I will. Have a nice day!" And with that I take off. And I get to be about 500 metres down the road when I realise the huge hole in my lie. Haru is going to have to walk past Tamura-san at some point. She might get suspicious, but I don't think she's the kind to pry. So I shake my head and just keep walking. And for once, I'm actually at school on time, but I'm also at school alone, and that kind of sucks the joy out of it. Rin's also on time. So I just kind of gravitate towards him like he's a surrogate Haru.
"Morning, Makoto."
"Morning, Rin. You're in a good mood." He is. He's actually smiling. It's kind of weird.
"Yesterday was a good day, that's all."
"Oh? What happened?"
"That's not exactly your business, Makoto. No offence, but it was a little bit private." Since when is Rin secretive? "But never mind me, where's Haru? I thought you two were joined at the hip or something."
"He should be coming soon enough."
"You realise, without you, he's probably just going to spend all day in the bath."
"Well, I had a look, and there was no steam coming out his window like there normally is, so I don't think he was even in the bath to start with."
"Is there a water shortage? Since when does Haru not take a bath?"
"Since this morning, apparently." Like he was on some sort of cosmic cue, Haru slides the door open and sees the two of us sitting together and he gets really edgy over it. He half sits, half falls into the empty chair in front of us.
"Oh, there you are, Haru. Morning."
"Morning." He says it like it's not morning at all. And it's certainly not a good one.
I take a close look at his eyes and realise he looks like he hasn't slept at all for about a week. "You look terrible, Haru. Have you slept?"
"I'm fine. Just a little under the weather."
"If you say so." Like hell. He's in some kind of turmoil. But there's really nothing I can do about it. I am half the turmoil, if I'm not wrong (and I'm not), and Rin's the other half, so this mustn't be exactly comfortable for him. The bell rings and we all walk to our respective seats and just kind of sit down like it was any other day. Ama-chan-sensei walks in, and we do the whole stand-bow-sit thing, and she calls the roll. It looks like Haru only had enough in him to hold out through that. He's fallen asleep on his desk before class even started. I consider waking him up, because it's safe to say I'm a lot gentler than any of the teachers will be. But he looks like he needs it, so I just prop one his books over his face so it's not so tragically obvious and let him rest. I'll wake him before our first class starts, or with any luck, the bell will. All sleep is good sleep, yes?
And I wonder if I can do anything to end all this. I hate just sitting here, knowing he's agonising over his choice in private, and then having to pretend everything's fine for the rest of us. I can't take back the kiss and just keep pretending, because even if I say I'm over it and I'm happy for him to have his own choice or whatever sappy lie I come up with, he'll know it's still a lie. I can't help him make the choice – just play that sentence over in your head a couple of times. It's a pretty dumb prospect. I can't do anything, and I hate it. What's all this love worth it just sits here useless? The only other thing I can think of is to ask Rin to help him. But that could backfire in so many ways, so I hold onto that one as a last resort. I just sigh. I'm pretty useless, aren't I? Why is it, whenever I really want to, I can never do anything for Haru?
The bell rings and I go to ask Makoto why he didn't wake me up when I remember he's the reason I fell asleep in the first place. This decision's going to kill me. I can't concentrate because it demands my full attention every waking moment. I can't sleep because it screams in my head, beating at the sides of my brain. I can't eat because it just sits in the bottom of my stomach and rots, so anything that went down would probably just come back up again. I probably can't even swim.
I wonder what exactly it is I mean when I say that. It's not like I'm physically incapable, although I'd be pretty poor right now, because I'm starved and fatigued. I remember regionals last year. When Rin said he'd given up. I wanted to give up too. But I don't know anymore if it was because it was Rin that gave up or because just one of us did. I want to swim with Rin. I don't know anymore if, when I said that, I meant "Rin specifically" or "everybody, of whom Rin happens to be a part". I don't know anymore if my feelings are just for Rin or if they're for everybody and I just never noticed because everyone else was always there. I try to picture my life right now without certain people.
I start easy. I imagine life without Ama-chan-sensei. That's not too hard. We just have to find a new advisor. And Makoto would have to tell our homeroom teacher I'm not a girl. Again. I imagine if Gou'd never joined the swim club. We wouldn't have made regionals, but in the end, if I'd never gotten to know her, I wouldn't miss her. I try to picture Rei staying on the track team. He would have carried on pole vaulting and whatever and the swim club never really would have made it off the ground. But if I'd never met him, I wouldn't miss him. I try to take Nagisa out. I imagine if that one time his sisters replaced his swimsuit with theirs, he actually did quit swimming for good. Our relay team wouldn't have existed, but I only wanted to swim free, so that wouldn't have bothered me anyway. I think, if I'd never swam that relay with Nagisa, I wouldn't miss him. I look to front of the class and stare at the back of Rin's head. I don't have to picture life without him. I've lived it. When he went to Australia, it sucked and all, but life just kind of went on. If I hadn't met him and raced that winter, I think, over time, I would have just moved on. It was only because he came back and dangled himself in front of me like a carrot that I fell for him. I try to imagine life without Makoto. But no matter what angle I take, I can't. I try imaging we'd never met, but I don't even remember how we met, it was so long ago. I try to imagine meeting him then just being classmates who called each other Surname-kun, but there's no way for me to make that scenario make sense in my head. I try to imagine him going to Australia instead of Rin but this world in my head just twists around itself until I'm in Australia with him. No matter what I try, Makoto is always there. Is that why I never noticed I love him? Did I only notice I love Rin because he wasn't there? Now, when we're sitting together-but-apart, is the only reason I realise I love Makoto and want to lean over and pull him onto me because until I make up my mind, it's like he isn't there? I love Makoto, but still, I can't deny I love Rin. But now he's a part of my everyday, I'm not so sure it's love. Not the same way. I can't decode all of these feelings yet. My grandma always said you can rely on an old friend's judgement, so I decide to ask the water.