The swim club meets that afternoon…
'Okay, one last time trial each and we'll be done for today!" I call out to the five guys madly swimming laps in the pool, some with kickboards, some with buoys, some just going for it. They've been at it non-stop for about an hour and a half now. Their endurance has come a long way. But we pull them out and line them up, Haruka-senpai first, then Makoto-senpai, Nagisa, Rei and Onii-chan last because he wants to do 100 metres in each stroke. "Haruka-senpai! 3, 2, 1, GO!" e dives in to the weird-sounding click our stopwatch makes. And all of us know right away that something's not right. He's slow, and almost clumsy. It's like the pool's trying to push him back out. It's really bizarre to watch, actually. He makes the turn, but it looks like he's trying to stick to the wall. Another fifty awkward metre later, he pulls himself out of the water and I hand him a towel. "50:97". I frown. "Are you feeling okay?" He doesn't look okay. He's looking really gaunt, actually. It's kind of freaky.
"I don't care about my time." But there's something in the sharpness of his voice and the way he goes and runs back to the change rooms that makes me think that he just might care a little bit.
I look at the other four, and we all nod, silently vowing to cheer him up. "Makoto-senpai, you're next." He jumps in and curls up against the wall. "3, 2, 1, GO!" He pushes off powerfully like always, but he seems to run out of stamina quickly. He makes the first fifty metres the fastest I've ever seen him do it, but slows down tragically after the turn. It feels like it takes him three times as long to make the second half. He touches the wall to that awkward stopwatch click. "58:39".
"Not my best." He smiles, somewhat bitterly. He heads after Haruka-senpai to the change room, but not as brashly.
"Well, we are at the end of a session. We'd best take these with a pinch of salt. Nagisa, you're up!" Makoto-senpai pushes out of the pool, and Nagisa bends over the block. I try not to look as the muscles tighten across his sides, but it's hard. Like, really hard. "3, 2, 1, GO!"
He takes off like a torpedo. At least someone's going well today. Let me rephrase that: at least someone's not going badly. Nagisa's just kind of his normal form. I suppose consistency is good? But he really should be improving. "1:06:03. You need to speed up just a little, Nagisa. We should talk about your regime."
"Okay. Let's the two of us hang back a bit after practice and try and sort it out!" He sounds excited, running playfully back to the change room. And I try to stop my face from showing that I'm excited too.
"Rei, you're up." He takes to the platform and takes that flawless diving stance of his. "3, 2, 1, GO!"
And God he takes off like a torpedo. This is easily the fastest I'm ever seen him swim. I'm pretty sure he's already set for a PB. I look at Onii-chan, and he's smiling like an idiot. I'm not sure why, but I'm happy he's happy, so we all start smiling like idiots. Rei crashes against the wall so quickly I almost forget to stop the clock. "51:78! Where the hell did that come from? That's like, 3 seconds better than your PB!"
"I suppose I'm just on form today." He pushes out of the pool and him and Onii-chan share a smile of complicity as they pass each other. I connect the dots and suddenly I know what happened yesterday.
"Onii-chan, do you want your times after each stroke, or after you've finished?"
"At the end. Thanks for asking. No-one ever does."
"I'm your kid sister. This sort of thing is my job." We share our own smile of complicity as he prepares to take off. First, he does 100 metres freestyle. And he's as on-form as ever. In fact, I think a little bit more so. He just seems more concentrated than usual, or something. I record the time as he finishes the run. 48:01 - that's three whole seconds faster than Haruka-senpai. I'm still concerned about him. Turning into the wall, he pushes off for backstroke. He's not as fast as Makoto-senpai normally is, but Onii-chan is more consistent. He finds his way back to the wall. 57:30 – he took out Makoto-senpai today. He is really on – normally, he wouldn't be getting anywhere near these margins. He takes a turn at breast stroke. Nagisa's consistency seems to be serving him well, because Onii-chan's not notably faster. But he comes in just a little bit faster at 1:04:65. This last one is the interesting one – how will he go against Rei's ridiculous butterfly? He does that awkward arm-pull-leg-kick thing. I don't get how they do that. It just doesn't make sense to me. After 100 metres, he's taken 52 seconds neat. Wait, what? I do a mental double take and realise that Rei's time was faster. Only just, and maybe it's just a fluke, but does that mean Onii-chan is officially off the relay now?
"Good times all round, like always. 48 on freestyle, 57 and a half on back, minute-four on breast and 52 on butterfly. I have the full times written down, but that's the gist of the thing." I pass him my clipboard. "I have to go talk with Nagisa, but I expect to get the full story about you and Rei!" Running off, I pick up my bag and see Makoto-senpai and Haruka-senpai starting on the way home, except the latter's about 300 metres ahead. That's bizarre. Normally they're stuck together like those wacky split-and-share ice-creams they always buy. I guess they've just been split. But it's not my business, so I turn around to see Nagisa and Rei standing behind me. It's a bit weird though. It's like they can't lock eyes. Onii-chan arrives, and he and Rei walk off together, nothing but a non-committal "see you tomorrow" for goodbye.
"Well, it's time for our chat, Gou-chan! What do you think I should do?" We start walking towards the station, sharing our attention equally between holding our own conversation and subtly eavesdropping on Onii-chan and Rei's.
"First of all, we have to fix your diet. Getting you a good, strong source of energy and vitamins and whatnot will make you faster in the pool."
"Eh? I like my diet that way it is!"
"Call it an athlete's sacrifice."
"Is there anything else I could do?"
"We could up your exercise regimes to include full-on muscle workouts to see if we can't make you any stronger, but without a good diet plan backing it, I don't think that'll work too well anyway."
"I'll try that first, and then change my diet if I still have to."
"You will, trust me. I know a thing or two about muscles." We both fall silent, equally but separately desperate to hear a few words out for Rei and Onii-chan's conversation.
"I'm not so sure this'll work the way we think, Rin." Nagisa and I share a look of mutual confusion. What happened to Rin-senpai?
"Oh, relax. We literally only opened this door yesterday. And besides, I know it's just a gateway arrangement until you make up your mind. That's enough for me."
"But doesn't something sound wrong about that to you? I feel like I'm abusing you."
"Trust me, Rei, this hardly classifies as abuse." What the hell are they talking about? Nagisa goes to crash the conversation, but I catch him.
"If they know we're listening, they'll stop talking. Stay hidden!" Onii-chan turns around, and I clap my hand over my mouth, as much out of reflex as anything.
"Rin? What is it?"
"I just thought I heard something, is all. Never mind." They keep walking, and keep talking; all the while unaware that Nagisa and I are close enough to hear.
"But, abuse or not, there's something wrong about calling this love."
Nagisa and I both gasp, and then subsequently dash into a side street in a desperate attempt to hide. Seeing him closer up, I realise a few things. Even though I'm the girl, his gasp was higher. Secondly, he doesn't seem to gotten his air back. And thirdly, it was a different kind of gasp. Kind of strangled, like there was a rock in his voice box.
"Nagisa? You okay there?"
"Yeah." He tries to smile, but his eyes give him away, so he gives up on lying. "I just didn't think Rei-chan would feel that way." And suddenly all the rest of the dots connect. He's been after Rei, and Rei didn't think anything of anyone. Onii-chan was after Rei, and he just got there first. I'll bet that's what happened.
And it annoys me that I was caught up in the middle of it and didn't even notice.
"Tell me something, Nagisa." He looks up, and I notice he's on the edge of tears. I am, too. "I am not good enough to be a surrogate Rei? If I asked you to go out with me, would you say yes? Or is Rei the only one for you?" I try to push out more sentences, make my makeshift confession more formal. But instead of words I just get tears. "Just… tell me."
He works his arms around me and we wind up with our heads resting on each other's shoulders crying softly into each other's necks. "That's not how it is at all. Rei-chan's the only one I want, but it's not like that at all. You're plenty good enough. If anything, you're better than what I would deserve. If you asked me to go out with you, I'd be thrilled. I just can't love you like that, that's all."
"Why not?"
"It's just the way I'm built." He pulls back a little, smiles, and kisses me respectfully on the cheek. "I still love you, Gou-chan. Just not like that."
We pull out of each other and just smile. "Thanks for being so honest." I wipe my eyes dry, and decide I'll cheer Nagisa up. "And don't go jumping to conclusions. After all, Rei said there was something wrong about calling it love. And there was something about a choice. And gateway arrangement, whatever that's supposed to mean. So anything's up for grabs yet." I keep it to myself that Onii-chan has a crush on Rei. At this point, that would just be discouraging.
"Thanks, Gou-chan. You're a clear thinker when you want to be, aren't you?"
"When I want to be? What's that meant to mean? I'm always a clear thinker!"
And suddenly we both start laughing and all the awkwardness and the tears and the tension just evaporate and I'm so glad that nothing's changed.
Gou-chan and I walk the rest of the way to the station and I feel like we're a lot closer now. I had no idea she felt that way. "Hey, Gou-chan?"
"Yeah?"
"You know, I never even noticed. I'm sorry about that."
"Don't think twice about it. It's just natural. If they don't feel the same way, no-one ever notices anything."
"But still!"
"Seriously, drop it! I'm happy with things the way they are. I just had to know if they'd ever change."
"Well, everything else might change, but I don't think we will. As in, just us two. That makes me happy, you know. I think, in fifty years' time, I'll still be able say 'that Matsuoka Gou-chan. We're good friends.' Throw me in prison, throw me on the street, but no matter what, I'll still be friends with Matsuoka Gou-chan. And that makes me happy."
She smiles at me, and I notice again how pretty she is. "I've never put that much thought into it, but now that you say it, I guess I feel the same way."
I don't know what it is that's making me say this now, but it just kind of comes out. I just feel like Gou-chan doesn't hear this often enough, so I decide to say it. "You know, Gou-chan, I still think you're really pretty."
"Come off it."
"No! Seriously! And when you put on that dress that other day, you were the prettiest thing I've ever seen!"
"You really think so?"
"I really do! I don't think you get enough credit from all the guys at school for being pretty, because they're always spending their time chasing after all the girls who wear panties-pretending-to-be-skirts and push-up bras and paint on half-bred clown faces to make themselves look half as pretty as you are naturally. And you just sit there being pretty and not trying to show it off and being a nice, average girl and all with it, so they just kind of skim over you. It's not really fair, I think."
"You can't be serious."
"Dead set! You'll pull in a serious catch someday with looks like yours, Gou-chan!"
"If I'm so pretty, why is Rei still the only one for you?"
"I thought we dropped this."
"So did I."
"So why'd you bring it up?"
"I'm just curious."
"It's just the way I'm built, like I said."
"So where do you get off saying I'm pretty?"
"Even though I don't like girls, I'm still a guy. I know what guys like."
She hums for a little bit, trying to find a Gou-chan-style reply. "Touché."
"I just felt like you needed to hear it, that's all."
"Well, thanks. It's nice to get some complements every once in a while."
The train arrives, and we have to part ways because we live in opposite directions. "I'll see you tomorrow, Gou-chan! Have a nice night." We smile and wave at each other through the window. I sigh to myself now that I'm in private. This is the first time in forever that I've caught the train home without Rei-chan. And it just feels wrong. Isn't it supposed to be different? Aren't we supposed to have both felt the same for a long time and now that one of us has said it, we can just be a couple? I guess life isn't as simple as all that.
What if he does love Rin-chan? Gou-chan's right, Rei-chan did say that it was wrong to call it love. But that's not enough to reassure me. If the two of them are in love, then where am I left? What will everything be like? I can't bring myself to think about it, so, much to my own surprise, I pull out a textbook and start revising our maths work. I just can't understand all these letters-that-are-actually-numbers and these stupid functions and everything. There's something about it that's just not natural. Normally I would ask Rei-chan for help, but I guess that's off the table, isn't it? I sigh again. It looks like I can't run away from this. So I'll to just face it head-on. Maybe Rei-chan and I just aren't meant to get together. I'll hold onto hope for as long as I can, but I still have to be ready for the possibility.