I slam my homework book shut triumphantly and realise I did about three times more than I was meant to. My brain's on autopilot at the minute, so I just kind of did it without thinking. My thought space is otherwise engaged, is all.

I sigh internally. What am I doing to myself? Why am I putting myself through this? I basically conned Rei into thinking he should ignore actual feelings and try fake-loving me instead. In the heat of the moment it seemed like a good decision. But now that I've had some time to think about it, it sounds stupid. What kind of relationship even is this? It's literally built on a lie. I mean, I like Rei, but he doesn't like me. I co-opted him into this whole thing without even giving him a choice. He's using me as a stepping stone. How the hell I am okay with that?

More importantly, how the hell I am okay with doing this to Rei? I mean, I asked him to love me – it's wasn't a mutual, spontaneous sort of decision. How am I okay knowing I had to force his hand like that? If I really love the guy, shouldn't I have tried to do what was best for him, instead? How am I okay with knowing the only way this half-bred thing we're calling love only happened because I tied him up so tight he had no choice but to say yes? How does it even work? How are we both okay with this convoluted mess of a mock-up love? This was a spur-of-the-moment decision, ill-advised like they all are. So I guess that means the best thing is to go back on it.

I nearly punch the wall in frustration, but I remember I'm at home, so everyone will hear if I do. So I decide to punch a pillow instead. Why couldn't I keep a level head when it counted? Why couldn't I see how stupid the things I said were? Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone? I fall back onto my battered pillow. Anger is exhausting, especially when it's self-directed. I have to sort this out. Tomorrow.

I don't know how I should feel about today. I think I should be a little bit sad. I mean, I got shot down by my crush, in favour of another guy, no less. But I can't be sad. Our friendship stayed stable, and he still thinks I'm pretty. And if nothing else, he kissed me. I don't think he really understood what that all means to me, but the point is, I can't decide how I should react. I lay out the Iwatobi Swim Club Shipping Diagram in my head. Makoto-senpai and Haruka-senpai make a pair, because even they liked somebody else, the four us would conspire and plot and machinate until they ended up back together again. So that leaves me, Onii-chan, Nagisa and Rei. I like Nagisa who likes Rei who is also liked by Onii-chan, and I don't know who Rei really likes in this whole mess but at the minute it looks like him and Onii-chan are a couple. Neither Nagisa nor Onii-chan like girls in general. This diagram is starting to get really convoluted. But I step back and look at the little love-web I've drawn up. I look at all the little lines and "will-they-or-won't-they"s and it looks like I'm the only one with no way in. With five guys and one girl, that's not something I'd normally expect to say. But so what?

I'm worrying alone again. I consider talking to Onii-chan but I don't want to ruin his mood. So I look for another outlet. I pick up my phone and fight with the buttons until my contact list comes up. Mum. No. I guess this is the kind of thing some girls might talk about with their mothers, but I don't want to accidentally out Onii-chan if I suddenly have to explain this mess of a shipping diagram we're all caught up in. That'd be awkward. Onii-chan, Nagisa, Rei, all out because duh. I consider calling Makoto-senpai for a minute until I remember about Haruka-senpai. The latter's in a bad way, and the former would be worried off his head about it, so at the minute, it's not my place to dump problems on either of them. Hana-chan? Maybe. We've been growing apart lately, but I still feel like I can rely on her. But it's not really fair to dump this on her either, is it? And what am I even supposed to say? I can't really out either Onii-chan or Nagisa, so I can't exactly explain it in depth. But still. I just need to talk to someone. Just as I resolve to text Hana-chan after all, she texts me.

Hey, Gou. I know it's been a while and all, but are you free to talk? I need a little advice. I laugh at the universe's sense of humour as I hit the call button.

"Hana-chan? Are you doing okay?"

"It's been too long, Gou! We have to do this more often."

"I'm with you on that one." We laugh into each other's ears, and I remember why we became friends in the first place. "But that's not the point! What do you need?"

"Oh, that. Well… do you remember last year at the squid festival?"

"I remember lots of things about last year at the squid festival, so you're going to have to be a little more specific."

"Stop poking fun at me! I came to you for help, you know!"

I laugh loudly into the phone. "Sorry. I'm just glad to hear from you."

"Well, you sure have a weird way of showing it." That I do. "Anyway, do you remember when we ran into the guys from the swim club?"

"Yeah. Makoto-senpai said we were cute, and you said 'you're just talking about our yukata, aren't you?', right?"

"And then he was all like 'not really', like he meant that we were cute. And since he knew you already from the swim club and all, I thought it was sort of more aimed at me. So I've kind of had a crush on him for a year."

"Let me guess. Now you want me to be part of some grand machination to set up your confession, right?"

"Not really. I was thinking I'd do it old-school – cook him lunch and give it to him with a love letter. That kind of thing. I was just wondering if you knew anything I could use to get a foot in the door. His favourite food? Star sign? Blood type? Favourite singer or movie or something?"

I can't think of any way to put this gently, so I just give it her full-force. "I think he's gay."

"Dammit! I was afraid of that! He and that other one are together, aren't they?"

"Well, it's not like it's official or anything, but have you seen him and Haruka-senpai together lately? They are so a couple."

"Actually, I saw Makoto-senpai walking home alone the other day, without that other one. Haruka-senpai, you said? So I thought they were fighting or something. And now would be like, my one shot. No such luck, huh?"

"Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. If you still want to give it a shot, I do know he likes squid. And it's really simple to cook, so you could make some up for him easy."

"I guess we'll never know unless we try, right? No time like the present! I'm off to cook me up some squid!"

"Wait, Hana-chan!"

"What?"

"I need a little advice, too."

"Oh? Do carry on."

"Well, I confessed to this guy I've had my eye on for a while, but he rejected me. Not hard. But still."

"What? But you're so pretty!"

"He said the same thing, actually." I smile at myself. So it's not just Nagisa, after all.

"So why exactly did he reject you?"

"He bats for the other team."

"Oh. Right. Oh well, whatever! Onto the next crush, right? Such is the creed of the teenage girl!" She laughs.

"It's not so easy."

"Hm? Why not? It's a sin for a teenage girl to be without a crush, you know. We're not old enough to go picking life partners or anything like that anyway, so just follow your heart!"

"Where to?"

"Seriously? You're in a club with the five hottest guys in the school!"

"Of whom two I think are on the other side of the fence and one of the remaining is my brother." In fact, I know that two are on the other side of the fence, but I can't just go outing them for no particular reason. Makoto-senpai is different. That's just speculation. But when it's an actual fact, an actual secret they've trusted you with, it's just not right.

"That does make things a little more complicated, doesn't it?"

"Just a little."

"Well, it's not like they're all the guys you know, is it? There's always the guys in our class. Although, by and by, they're fairly pedestrian, aren't they?"

"Hana-chan! You can't say that sort of thing!"

"We're in private, what's it matter? But I'm sure your brother would have some friends that you could crush on or something."

I cast my eyes to my bottom drawer. I branch off Onii-chan in my head, taking care to stop from friendship-chains from reaching near the club. You know, maybe he does. "I'll have to think about that one a little."

"Glad I could help! Now I've gotta get cooking!"

"Just make sure you're bulletproof. Be ready for a no."

"That's why I feel so good. Now I know I've got to give everything to this one shot! If it doesn't work out for me, life goes on, right?"

"I envy your optimism."

"Don't envy, have! Everything'll work out for you, too!"

"I feel a lot better now." It came out sarcastically, but I'm genuine. "I really mean it. It feels good to talk to another woman about these things."

There's a brief silence. "You know, I feel a lot better, too." We burst out in mutual laughter. It feels good to get all this off my chest.

"See you tomorrow?"

"Best of luck with your confession."

"Thanks!" and with an abrupt click she's gone. I sigh into my dead handset. Not a heavy why-me sort of sigh, but a light, happy, God-I'm-glad-today-happened sort of sigh. She's right. Nagisa and I didn't work out, but life goes on. I can fall in love with someone else. There's no rush or anything. It'll all happen in due time. Such is creed of the teenage girl, after all.