My whimsical nature got the better of me while I was writing this at 4:00 AM. At the rate I'm going I may have to change the genre description to humor/parody.

Meh. Whatever Works.I Still Don't own Fire Emblem.

SECOND EVENT (PART 1): TAG TEAM WRESTLING

"Alright people, good news bad news time." Eirika announced. The entire cast of FE8 turned expectantly to hear what news the Princess of Renias brought to their locker room.

"The good news is Innes won the Archery competition. We're in the lead..."

The entire room let out a collective whoop (except for Ephraim, who was sulking over in the corner like a little bitch).

"…and the bad news is the next event is tag team wrestling and we don't have any wrestlers."

"What the hell!" exclaimed Ross wasn't my dad supposed to team up with Dozla for the wrestling event?"

"Yeah, about that…" Eirika scratched her head nervously.

"Your idiot father and that maniac berserker he hangs out with nearly got themselves killed playing with fire," Lute cut it. "Apparently they thought they could use anima tomes. Morons. It takes a superior intellect to master the secrets of magic."

"Well that's just great" said Ephraim. "The wrestling competitions in half an hour and we don't have a team. Now what are we going to do?"

"I guess we're just going to have to forfeit," Eirika sighed. "Unless we can find a replacement before the wrestling match there's really nothing we can do."

"What about Gheb?" Lyon interjected.

"Who's Gheb?"

"A low ranking general in Grado's army," Ephraim replied off-handedly. "I fought him at Fort Rigwald. He's a fat asshole and an all around creepy guy."

"That fat asshole is now the premier sumo wrestler in all of Grado," Lyon responded with a hint of irritation. I'll admit he is kind of…creepy…as Ephraim so elegantly put it. But if you need a replacement for the wrestling match he's your man.

"That's only one wrestler though," said Eirika. "This is going to be a tag team match."

"So?" said Lyon. "There's no rule saying you can't attempt to solo a tag match, and to be quite honest, I think Gheb has got a better chance of winning this match-up then Dozla and Garcia combined."

"Well, if he's really that good I don't see any problem with the arrangement. How soon can you get him here?"

"With me and Knoll twin-casting a standard summoning spell, five minutes tops. For you Eirika, I'll do it in two."

"Take your time Lyon," Eirika winked. "Wouldn't want you finishing early again, would we?"

Lyon blushed, muttered something unintelligible, and began conducting the ritual of summoning with Knoll.

…30 seconds later (Lyon did in fact finish early. Oh the shame!)

Gheb emerged from Lyon's transdimensional rift thingy in all his morbidly obese glory.

"Why have I been summoned?" Gheb bellowed with a Scottish accent.

"Why's he talking like a Scotsman?" Eirika asked.

"Because the author in his infinite wisdom has seen fit to pay tribute to one of the greatest movies of all time by making Gheb the next Fat Bastard," said Knoll as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Anything else you'd like to say while you're demolishing the fourth wall there Knoll?"

"Austin Powers PWNS."

By this time Gheb was focusing intently on Ewan.

"Uhhh….guys. Why's he staring at me like that?" Ewan backed away nervously.

"He looks just like a baby," Gheb said in his Scottish accent. He was now advancing on the increasingly uncomfortable Ewan.

"GET IN MY BELLY!" Gheb roared. "I'M BIGGER THEN YOU, I'M HIGHER UP ON THE FOOD CHAIN! GET IN MY BELLY!"

"Screw this, I'm out of here!" Ewan yelped. "Keep that freak away from me!"

"I WANT MY BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK…RIBS, I WANT MY BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK…RIBS."

"That's just fucking WRONG," said Ephraim.

"That's Gheb," Lyon sighed. "Crazy fat bastard…"

Bartre, Dorcas, Muraim, and Largo were already at the wrestling pit. The match was staring in two minutes and the Team Magvell was still conspicuously absent.

"Rumor has it that a training accident sent their main team to the medical ward and they had to drag in a replacement at the last second," Dorcas whispered to Bartre. "Looks like their A team is down and their B team has cold feet."

"Probably chickened out when he heard he'd have to fight Bartre the Brave in the ring."

"Yeah Bartre, I'm sure that's what did it…"

At that moment the gates to the arena holding pit swung open and an unbearable stench wafted into the stadium. Several fans in the front row of the stands bent over and vomited. Muraim with his hyper-sensitive Laguz nose nearly passed out.

"Sweet merciful goddess, what is that vile stench?" Largo exclaimed.

"Sorry I'm late." Gheb casually waddled into the wrestling pit wearing only his sumo diaper and his jelly rolls. His fatty-fatty-man-boobs jiggled with each step he took. Still with the Scottish accent he said "I had to take a crap. Great fun you know, nothing like getting a good whiff of your own bran' to make you feel special."

"That's DISGUSTING!"

"That's Gheb!" Lyon called from the sidelines.

ANNOUNCER: Well, now that Magvell's representative has finished moving his bowels…

"Wait!" hollered Gheb, who then went on to expel the loudest, longest, wettest, foulest smelling fart you will ever hear in your entire life. The stadium shook and several small animals in the surrounding area died. "Okay, now I'm done!"

ANNOUNCER: …Right…anyway's, now that everyone's here, on with the show! On a side note mages are advised to avoid using fire spells for the next 48 hours, or until our public health officials can assure us the stadium is clear of excess methane. An accidental conflagration would be…most unfortunate.

The contenders stepped into the ring and prepared for battle. The second event of the Fire Emblem Olympics was close at hand.

NEXT CHAPTER: GHEB GOES SUMO ON YOUR ASS!

REVIEWS NOW, OR CAPTAIN FATBACK WILL SIT ON YOUR FACE AND DROP A LOAD.