I had given this Fic up for dead. Then inspiration struck in the form of a virile video. Two videos as a matter of fact…

YouTube (Powerthirst)

YouTube (Powerthist 2: Redomination)

I credit whoever made those brilliant and hilarious videos for the writer's spark that brought the Fire Emblem Olympics back from the grave. I don't own their work and I don't own Fire Emblem. I just borrow their ideas.

SECOND EVENT (PART 2): Tag Team Wrestling

"Hey, Matthew. Come here a sec," Hector whispered.

Matthew's intuition twitched. Hector had a job for him, he was certain. Good. Hopefully it would give him a chance to stir up a little mischief.

"Here milord," Matthew responded cheerfully "How can I be of service?"

Hector pulled his sneaky little thief off to the sidelines for a private chat. "You seen those guys Bartre and Dorcas are gonna be wrestling? The berserker, the tiger man, and the fat asshole?"

"Yeah, I've seen them. Tough bunch," said the thief. "Looks like our boys are gonna take a serious beating."

"That's what I'm thinking. In a fair fight our team loses. But who says we have to fight fair?" Hector grinned "What do we always say about cheating Matthew?"

"It's only illegal if you get caught."

"Good man." Hector patted Matthew on the shoulder and gave him a large rocket-shaped beverage can.

"What's this?"

(Insert Here: mental image of Hector in a body-builder Speedo flexing abnormally large muscles)

"It's an energy drink for the manliest of men. POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION!" Hector shouts at the top of his lungs. Which is kind of silly when you think about it, seeing as how he's trying not to be overheard. "Drink it and you'll win at EVERYTHING FOREVER!"

"Okkkkkayyyy," said a highly skeptical and slightly disturbed Matthew. "I'll get right on that."

So Matthew runs off into the stands, buys a few ales, spikes the drinks with POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION! and hands them off to Dorcas and Bartre. Ah, but there's a problem. Matthew doesn't know the proper dosing. And Hector was too busy marveling at his own godly muscles to give the thief proper dosing instructions. So Matthew just empties half a bottle of POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION! in each mug. Think about this for a sec. That's half a bottle of Red Bull and Crystal Meth mixed with proposterous levels of testosterone (PROPOSTERONE!). Made with lightning, REAL LIGHTNING! All with a dash of Anna Kournikova.

That's waaayyy to much WIN for one man to handle. Unless your name happens to be Fargus or Murdock and you've got the uber manliness. Then you're good to go.

There's another problem. Dorcas isn't allowed to drink alcoholic beverages. Natalie has him so whipped its not even funny. That means both mugs of ale go to Bartre. The big lug winds up ingesting a full bottle of Hector's POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION!

Overdose much? This is going to end well…

So begins the second event of the Fire Emblem Olympics, tag team wrestling. Elibe starts Dorcas and benches Bartre. Tellius starts Muraim and benches Largo. Magvell rolls out the Ghebbernaut. This promises to be one hell of a match…

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!

The competition is now officially under way. Dorcas tries to drop-tackle Muraim. Fat chance, right? The tiger warrior grabs the charging man by the shoulders, flips him over his head, and slams him down against his back. Muraim then falls backwards and slams Dorcas into the ground. Dorcas stays down. Muraim rises to confront Gheb.

Muraim roars a tiger's roar as he faces down the fat bastard. Gheb responds with a "I'm the greatest guy in the world, and all you sniveling shits would die without me MUAHAHAHA!" roar, which makes Muraim sound like a purring kitten in comparison. With no further ado, Gheb belly bounces Muraim into a side post and knocks the tiger silly. While Muraim is still dazed from the impact, Gheb waddles over and knocks him out cold with a powerful headbutt. Dorcas gets back up and tries to jump Gheb from behind while he's distracted with Muraim. But Gheb is crafty in the ways of the brawl. He knows Dorcas is going to come at him from behind, so he squeezes off a nice wet one to cover his rear. Dorcas instinctively moves down wind and runs straight into Gheb's outstretched fists. Dorcas goes down…again.

"Aye, All according to plan," the Fat Bastard laughs.

"Tell me did you plan on this fat man?"

"…Eh?"

A really pissed off Muraim leaps up and gives Gheb what shall henceforth be known in the Guiness Book of World Records as the mother of all urple-nurples. Seriously, we're talking about a tiger's claws breaking skin, bleeding out the nipple owie here. It's that bad.

"ARGGGG, My man-boobs! My beautiful, beautiful, man-boobs." Gheb roars "You'll die for that you filthy beast!"

Gheb throws an elbow at Muraim's face and knocks him back. Muraim punches Gheb in the gut, but the blow just bounces off his jelly rolls. Gheb laughs and kicks Muraim in the 'nads. Dorcas finally does something useful: he breaks a chair over Gheb's back and punches him in the kidney. Gheb butt-slams Dorcas in the solar plexus, spins around, and slaps him wih his jiggling man boobs. Which are still bleeding from Muraim's urple-nurple. That's right, Gheb beats Dorcas down with his ass and titties. Because he can.

Dorcas doesn't like getting beaten down by big, sweaty man-titties. He grabs those man-titties in a crush grip and pulls those huge globs of fat off to the side so he can get a clear shot at Gheb's chest. And then he round-house-kicks that fat asshole right in his sternum.

The great Chuck Norris is impressed with this…creative…application of his craft, and thus bestows his blessings on Dorcas so that he may strike a mighty blow against the Ghebbernaut. Dorcas's blessed round-house-kick strikes the fat bastard right where it hurts, in the ribs. Gheb hasn't gotten a whooping that bad since Ephraim shoved three feet of Reigenlief up his ass at Fort Rigwald and worked him like a puppet.

But I digress, this isn't about Ephraim. This is about Muraim, Dorcas, and Gheb beating seven shades of shit out of each other, and they're all doing a very good job of it. Dorcas is clearly out-matched by his competition, but he fights hard and he has his moments. Muraim consistently kicks ass. And Gheb…well. Gheb is just Gheb, nuff said.

Of course, this is a tag team event, so eventually they have to sub in their partners. Muraim goes first, he tags in Largo after Gheb sits on his face and rips ass. Honestly, how's a beast laguz supposed to respond to that? At that point you pretty much have to switch out, the only other option is to shift into tiger form and maul the fat bastard's face off. Which is highly illegal and would result in instant disqualification for Team Tellius, so that's really not a good alternative is it?

So Largo's in the ring and he's performing well enough. He fights as good as Muraim, only without the super sensativity to Gheb's gas attacks. No major changes there. But eventually Dorcas gets tired and has to sub in Bartre. That's when all hell breaks lose.

Keep in mind that at this point, Bartre is solidly drugged up on an entire bottle of POWERTHIRST: ROCKET EDITION. He enter's the ring with his eyes rolled back in his head, foaming at the mouth, shaking unconrollably with pent up ENERGY! (ARRRGGGG!) ENERGY!

Gheb and Largo stop pumelling each other just long enough to take a hard look at this new combatant and recoil in terror. They both know what's coming and they know it's not going to be pleasant. Bartre rips his shirk off Hulk Hogan style, shouts some unintelligable taunt, and procceeds to have his way with Gheb, then with Largo. He mercilessly beats Gheb from every angle, painting every jelly roll on his morbidly obese body black and blue. Bartre then grabs Gheb by his mohawk, whips the fat bastard around a few times, and hurls him straight into poor 'lil Largo. The berserker and the fat bastard both go flying into the stands.

Bartre then does a silly backflip and procceeds to run around in a circle screaming that his skin is on fire. Shortly thereafter he vomits, shits himself, and drops dead from a triple heart attack.

WRESTLING EVENTS: FINAL RESULTS

1st Place: Team Tellius

2nd Place: Team Magvell

3rd Place: Team Elibe (Disqualified from the event for cheating)

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you have Matthew trickery on your side you will win everytime. Unless you get caught by a judge, then you're screwed. You may also die.

Next Event: Dance Off with Ninian, Tethys, and some FE9/10 character that has yet to be specified. I'm open to suggestions, right now I'm leaning towards Elincia or maybe Sanaki, if for no other reason than I think it would be hilarious to watch the apostle bust a move. And who says it has to be a female dancer, Naesela seems like he could get down with a chill beat. Got any better ideas? Send and tell in your reviews. Like I said, I'm open to suggestions.