Another update, just in time for the real Olympics in Beijing. So much defective crap coming out of China lately, let's hope those athletes don't drop dead from lead poisoning. And oh my God, have you seen the air pollution over the stadium grounds. I heard on the news that they're going to have to wear protective masks while they're competing. What nonsense is this? In hindsight maybe China wasn't such a great choice.
Whatever, I'll leave the running of the real Olympics to the pros. Here's my crappy FanFic imitation. It's good for a few chuckles. I still don't own Fire Emblem, but that's never stopped me before has it?
THIRD EVENT: THE DANCE-OFF
In the run up to the dance competition, the athletes of Team Tellius find themselves in a now familiar dilemma. On the one hand, Largo and Muraim just won two gold medals for wrestling and their entire crew is drunk with victory. On the other hand, concern over the next event weighs heavily on team spirit. Tellius has no professional dancers to speak of, whereas Elibe and Magvell are fielding the best of the best. You don't have to be a tactical genius like Soren to figure out how this one's going to end.
"Forget the professionals," Ike addresses his fellow athletes. "Do we have anyone on this team who actually knows how to dance?"
Dead silence greets the team captain. Dead silence and a chorus of chirping crickets.
"Anyone? Anyone at all?"
"I could dance, dance, dance the night away in my prime Ike. 'Course these old bones can't move like they used to, but I swear if I were 200 years younger I'd wipe the floor with these youngsters."
"That doesn't help Nealuchi."
"…I'm just saying…."
"Oh, shut up you senile old crow," Janaff squawks. "You just try to lay a move down, we'll see how long it takes you to break a hip. Ike, if you need a dancer I'm your man."
Ike is skeptical to say the least "Janaff, Since when can you dance? I didn't even know hawks could dance."
"Silly beorc, we of the bird tribe are all natural born dancers. Some would say it's our avian grace…"
"I'll say it's a load of horse-shit," Shinon cuts in. "What are you going to do bird-brain, woo the crowd with your awe-inspiring mastery of the chicken dance?"
"What's wrong with the chicken dance?" Janaff rustles his feathers in indignation.
"Oh my god, don't tell me you were actually going to…" Shinon bursts out laughing. "Stupid sub-human, you were going to go out there and flap your wings like a retarded chicken weren't you? Bwahahahaha! What a douche!"
"I'm sorry, what was that?" Janaff cups a hand to his ear and pretends he didn't hear a single word from Shinon. "I didn't quite get that, Innes's bitch says what now?"
That shuts Shinon up faster than Ilyana's bowels after seven helpings of Mist's magic meatloaf.
"Well that was a colossal waste of time," Ike sighs. "Seriously guys, come on. We need a dancer, like right now, or we have to forfeit the event."
"I can do ballet," Sanaki volunteers.
"Not a chance," Ike answers flatly.
"But whyyyyyyyy?" the little brat whines
"Because with all due respect Empress, no one wants to watch you prance around in a pretty pink tutu…"
"I do," a not-so-secret admirer gives her a scandalous wink.
"See, he does!"
"Okay, Naesela doesn't count. No one important wants to…"
"You know Ike, I do have my own island nation and one of the largest fan-bases in Fire Emblem history. It's bigger than yours if you cut out all the Soren yaoi and S.S.B.B. errata."
"As I was saying Empress, no one important wants to watch you prance around in a pretty pink tutu."
"…Whatever," Naesela slicks back his hair and folds his wings. "You wish you were this cool."
Sanaki crosses her arms and pouts. Ike just ignores her. "Sorry kid, the truth of the matter is ballet is just too damn boring. If we want to win this thing we need something on the cutting edge. Something no one in our medieval fantasy universe has ever seen before. Something new and exciting, something…" Ike turns to Devdan and grins "…something totally ghetto."
ANNOUNCER: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S TIME FOR THE THIRD EVENT OF THE FIRE EMBLEM OLYMPICS: THE DANCING COMPETITION! REPRESENTING TEAM ELIBE, THE DRAGON GIRL NINIAN!
"I thought I told them not to use that stupid title," whispers an irate Ninian.
"Just go with it," Eliwood whispers back "Do what you do best. They're going to love you."
ANNOUNCER: REPRESENTING TEAM MAGVELL , THE DESERT BEAUTY TETHYS!
"I got this one in the bag commander," Tethys appraises her competition. "Look at her, she's just a little girl. Elibe's little bitch-dragon ain't got nothing on me, and Tellius doesn't even have a dancer. I'll win for sure!"
"Do what you gotta do Tethys," says Gerrik. "We're all rooting for you."
ANNOUNCER: REPRESENTING TEAM TELLIUS, THE BADDEST MUTHA FUCKA ON THE WEST SIDE, GIVE IT UP FOR MAH HOMEBOY DEVDAN!"
(Cue the ridiculously loud hip-hop/rap soundtrack. Take your pick from your favorite gang-banger tunes to set the mood for this one.)
"What the hell?"
"What is this shit…is this music?"
With that, a pimped out chariot with rims and spinners pulls up into the stadium. The horses pulling this monstrosity are wearing FLAVOR FLAV viking hats and enormous clock-necklaces. Out of the chariot steps the one and only Devdan. His hair is puffed up into a three foot tall afro. His pants are halfway down to his knees. He's covered from head to toe in bling-bling and he's got a mouth full of grills. He takes the stage with Ninian and Tethys and hollers "YEAAHHHHHH BOOYYYYYYY!!" to the crowd. Then he starts spouting of vulgarities in Ebonics.
"Oh come on now! That's just embarrassing..."
"This is more offensive to the senses then that fat man's odor."
ANNOUNCER: DANCERS, SHOW US YOR BEST MOVES. BRING IT ON, NINIAN!
Ninian goes through her whole routine of special dances. She pulls out every move she's got: Nini's Grace, Filla's Might, Thor's Ire, Set's Litany. She's graceful. She's fleet of foot. She's awe-inspiring. The crowd loves it. Tethys's jaw drops. She can't do any of that.
ANNOUNCER: BRING IT ON, TETHYS!
Tethys does the only thing she can do. She belly-dances like an exotic prostitute. Her dancing is top-notch, better even than Ninian's. But there isn't any variety to it. The crowd grows bored quickly.
ANNOUNCER: BRING IT ON, DEVDAN!
The music switches over to a steel pan melody as Devdan takes center stage. He starts bouncing on his toes and cranks back three times from left to right. Then the tune picks up and the real dancing starts…
Soulja Boy up in it OH!
Watch Me Crank It, Watch Me Roll.
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy,
And Super-Man Dat Ho!
And with that, Devdan goes nuts. He does the entire Soulja Boy dance, super-man glide and all. He breaks it down at the end with a mad remix and just starts break-dancing all over the place. By the end of the performance he's standing on one hand with both his legs bent forward over his head. The crowd's never seen anything like it before. The stands erupt in applause.
"This is no good," Ninian thinks to herself. "My dancing is too much like Tethys's dancing, our appeal cancels out and this clown Devdan steals the show. That's so unfair. One-on-one I could beat both of them, I know it. If only there was some way I could knock that little whore out of the running."
"Call her out!" Nils hollers from backstage. He knows exactly what his big sister is thinking.
"…Hm?"
"Call her out!" Nils hollers again "This is a dance-off, if Tethys can't handle your moves she gets eliminated by the judges."
"Do it Ninian!" Eliwood throws in his own words of encouragement. "You're better than her and you know it. Serve that bitch up!"
"Serve that bitch up," Ninian grinned. She'd love nothing more than to do just that.
ANNOUNCER: DANCERS WILL NOW PROCEED TO ROUND TWO, IN WHICH…
"Wait!" Ninian yells at the time of her lungs. "Tethys, I'm calling you out! One-on-one, my moves against yours. Loser gets booted off the stage."
"Little girl," Tethys laughs "You can't just…"
ANNOUNCER: ACTUALLY, SHE CAN. JUDGE'S RULING.
Tethys visibly pales. Now Ninian's the one laughing, and it's not a nice laugh either. "Good bye Tethys. Been nice knowing ya."
Ninian moves her body in the rhythmic waves of a Jehanna belly-dance. Her movements aren't as smooth and graceful as Tethys's, but that's to be expected seeing as how Tethys has had years of practice, whereas Ninian is just trying this particular dance for the first time today. In any event, the movements flow naturally enough to show Ninian's skill and versatility as a dancer.
"Now you try mine," Ninian mock-smiles. "Good luck with that."
Easier said than done, right? Tethys stumbles her way through the simplest steps of the dragon dance. She can barely keep her footing as she runs through the motions of Nini's Grace and Filla's Might. Halfway through Set's Litany she falls flat on her face. The crowd boos and jeers her performance.
Tethys just got SERVED! And under this author's rules, that means you can stick a fork in her 'cause she's DONE! It's just Ninian and Devdan now.
ANNOUNCER: TEAM ELIBE AND TEAM TELLIUS WILL NOW GO HEAD-TO-HEAD IN ROUND 2. THE RULES ARE SIMPLE. TWO DANCERS, ONE DANCE. FIRST DANCER BUSTS A MOVE, SECOND DANCER REPEATS AND ELABORATES. FIRST DANCER TO MISS A MOVE LOSES THE ROUND. FOR THE WINNER, THERE'S A GOLD MEDAL WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. DANCERS! SHOW YOUR MOVES!
From here on out, things get crazy. The competition is taken to a whole new level as Ninian and Devdan have to learn each-others best moves on the spot, and the sharp contrast in their dancing styles leads to more than a few scenes of extraordinary buffoonery. You've got Devdan rubbing his own non-existant breasts, stretching his legs out at angles man-parts should not permit, and rhythmically rocking his body like a shaman in a trance. Then you've got a break-dancing Ninian, doing back-flips, handstands, and windmills in a skimpy little sleevless dress. To say that she's not dressed for the job would be the under-statement of the century. I mean come on, let's face it folks, that thing was NOT meant to be worn for this type of dancing. Where's that dress going when Ninian's on her hands with her legs swinging in the air? On that note, Sain's whistling and howling from the sidelines. Ninian makes a mental note to freeze his head in a block of ice.
Ultimately, Ninian wins. Turns out Devdan can't do a full split after all; he has a little something called balls that get in the way. The gold medal goes to Elibe this time around, but Tellius put up a hell of a fight.
Team Magvell never even stood a chance. Tethys is garbage. She should kill herself.
So yeah, in case you couldn't tell I really don't like Tethys. Couldn't tell you why, there's just something about her that rubs me the wrong way.
Next Chapter: I dunno. I got a few ideas that I've been throwing around. Obviously there's going to have to be a Marcus/Seth/Titania Jeigan-fest. And I'm really liking AdConsequentiam's Tactician Battle suggest, I might try that at some point. Another idea I've been working on: Professional Poker, Highest Stakes, with Farina/Joshua/Makalov. Don't know if I could drag that out for a whole chapter, but it seems like something fun to try on the side.
Reviews as always are always appreciated. Leave them in the box next to Gheb's sumo diaper and Devdan's afro-sheen.