This isn't so much a coherent chapter as a collection of random thoughts that popped into my head while I was watching the Beijing Olympics. ZOMG, I'm actually using real events this time. Normal formatting and narration will resume in the next chapter. So if you liked the previous four chapters but you think this one is garbage, fear not! The six-piece sampler will most likely be a one time deal.

I still don't own Fire Emblem. If I owned Fire Emblem I wouldn't be writing stories, I'd be making games.

Chapter 5: Many Random Things

Thus far we have celebrated Innes's triumph over Shinon in Olympic archery, held our noses as the fat bastard Gheb wrestled his way to the middle in tag-team wrestling, and stood speechless as Devdan matched Ninian's moves in competitive dancing (we do not speak of the epic failure that is Tethys, that filthy belly-dancing whore.) Undoubtedly these have been the high-profile events of the Fire Emblem Olympics, due either to intense competition (as was the case for archery) or gross spectacle (as was the case for wrestling) or some combination of the two (as was undoubtedly the case for dancing). Amidst such memorable moments as Ike calling Shinon an "ass-clown" and Gheb blowing out half the arena with his flatulence, one may be tempted to cast aside the unsung heroes of the Fire Emblem Olympics. Those who dominated their events so completely and demolished the competition so swiftly that there was no real story to tell afterwards; their achievements have yet to be celebrated. In this chapter we pay these champion athletes the homage they deserve.

MEN'S GYMNASTIC CHAMPION: RANULF

They came. They saw. They conquered. The so-called "sub-humans," of Gallia were quick to establish themselves as super-human contenders in the quest for Olympic gold. Because when it comes to nimble movements and perfect balance, you just can't beat a cat. Ranulf's entry into the event sparked a great deal of protest from rival athletes for just that reason.

"I don't think it's fair that Team Tellius can use athletes who aren't even human," Elibe's champion gymnast Jaffar told reporters, after getting completely upstaged by Ranulf's superior feline acrobatics. Remember people, this is Jaffar we're talking about. The man never talks, ever, so you know he's REALLY pissed when he's worked up the gall to spout-off in front of a live camera. "That would be like if Nergal made a special morph for the sole purpose of kicking ass in sports. Like sticking Sonia in a wet T-Shirt contest or something, how are us mere mortals supposed to compete with that?"

Fair or not, the judges have ruled that Laguz athletes can compete in any event as long as they don't shift into their animal form at any point in the competition. "We knew coming in we were going to dominate gymnastics with our Gallian athletes," says Ike, team captain of Tellius. "I don't see what the big deal is, we won because our best was better then their best, plain and simple. Why's everyone getting all worked up over it?"

Ranulf for his part has been gracious in his triumph, showing good sportsmanship towards international rival and silver medalist Jaffar. Sothe of the Dawn Brigade secured the bronze, rounding out the top three and further demonstrating his team's dominance in the sport.

FACT: Newton's Fourth Law states that it is impossible for Sonia to lose a wet T-shirt contest.

WOMEN'S GYMNASTIC CHAMPION: LETHE

Once again, a cat laguz sweeps through the gymnastics rotation and brings home a gold medal for Team Tellius. Lethe's toughest competition came not from international rivals Karla and Marisa, but from her own teammate and sister Lyre. Lyre finished a close second to big sis, blowing away all human competition and proving once and for all that the cats own Fire Emblem gymnastics. Marisa won the bronze.

Lethe for her part has not been nearly so gracious a champion as Ranulf. In fact, if you ask Lyre, she'll tell you her older sister is being a complete bitch about it.

"Beorc gymnasts are slow and clumsy. There is no challenge in beating them," Lethe hisses to the camera crews. "Beorc legs are skinny and weak, not good at all for running and jumping. And their balance is absolutely terrible, we laguz always land on our feet. Beorc make it look like such a chore when they do it. And what's with these ridiculous outfits," Lethe claws at her leotard. The elastic one-piece is a bit too…tight…for her tastes; too tight and way too revealing. "What retarded beorc outfitter designed this piece of crap, and where is he so I can sink my claws into his throat?"

"I actually kind of like it," Lyre purrs and strikes a sexy cat-girl pose. "Look at how pretty I am Lethe! Ranulf just has to notice me now, he just has too!"

"I swear to God Lyre, you're adopted…"

FACT: Lyre does in fact look gorgeous in a one-piece. Lethe just looks pissy and agitated. Kinda like she alaways looks, only worse.

MEN'S SWIMMING CHAMPION: DART

Women's swimming actually had some highly competitive races. Nothing of the sort on the men's side; one champion stood out from the rest and consistently kicked ass every time he entered the pool.

The foul-mouthed pirate Dart trashed the competition, swimming full body-lengths ahead of silver medalist Ross and bronze medalist Boyd in backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly, and freestyle. Dart won four gold medals for Team Elibe, and plans on winning four more in his next go-round.

Unfortunately for Dart a heavy shadow of doubt and suspicion hangs over his otherwise flawless victory, thanks to a certain Powerthirst scandal from earlier that day. Allegations of doping have dogged him from the moment he won his first race. Dart denies all such charges and told our reporters he's never used any performance enhancing drugs.

"This right here," Dart grunts and flexes his muscles, "This is just mad upper-body strength like you wouldn't believe. You'll never see these guns on a land-lubber, clean or dirty." Dart tightens his abs, throws out his arms, and strikes a strong-man pose in his cap, goggles, and Speedo. "This is the body you get when you spend your days swimming with a 20 pound axe strapped to your back; shimmying up the side of pirate ships and toughening up in bar-fights. That's how we roll on the Dravos, AM I RIGHT FARGUS!

"Yarrrr," the pirate captain does a shot of rum and chucks his empty glass at the crowd of reporters pestering Dart, "We be manliest of men."

It turns out Dart was on several illegal substances when he swam his raises, but the judges let him keep his medals anyway because none of them were "performance enhancing." If anything, Dart's illicit drug use made him slower.

Pirates. Go figure.

FACT: Marijuana is actually considered a performance enhancing drug by the International Olympic Committee. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME!? Have you ever seen a hardcore stoner; does anything about them look "enhanced?" Then again, Jamaica did dominate the track and field events this year. One has to wonder.

WOMEN'S BOXING: VAIDA

Vaida didn't just beat her competitors. She beat them within an inch of their sorry-ass lives and left them for dead, face down in a pool of their own blood. Vaida knocked out silver medalist and second place runner-up Tanith in five rounds. Sigurn did well enough to win bronze. Magvell's women didn't even qualify.

Tanith was later asked what if felt like to fight the best female boxer in the world. The Deputy Commander of Bengion's pegasus knights reportedly said "It felt like she was raping my face with her fists." Our reporters were too terrified to ask the gold medalist herself what she thought of her victory.

Again there was controversy, this time stemming from that burning question all veterans of FE7 have asked themselves at some point in their Fire Emblem career: Is Vaida really a women? Our judges say yes, so we'll just stick with that. Lest we push our luck and upset the creature.

FACT: Vaida can kill you with her bare hands.

JAVELIN THROW: EPHRAIM

Wow, would you look at that? Turns out Ephraim isn't completely useless after all. He can throw his javelin further than any other lancer in the Fire Emblem Olympics. Actually, that's pretty impressive when you consider the sheer number of lancers qualified to compete in this event. Every knight and their mother can throw a javelin. Florina can throw a friggin javelin. But apparently Ephraim can throw his really, really far. Good for him. The most one-dimensional lord of all time can do something right when he's not worshipping at the altar of chivalry or being parodied by yours truely.

As one would expect for this particular event, Ephraim had some rough (if not necessarily exciting) competition. Sain's javelin arm won the silver medal for Team Elibe, proving that while he may be a complete doofus he's at least worthy of his title as 'The Green Lance.' Although, I've always been of the opinion that a more appropriate title for Sain would be 'The Blue Balls.'

Speaking of blue balls, Gatrie won the bronze. Haar probably could have done better, but he slept through the entire event. Lazy bastard.

FACT: Sain thinks "throwing the javelin" is some kind of kinky sexual innuendo. Accordingly, he signed up for the event under the porn-star alias "Sir Long-Rod von Hugendong." It is unknown at this time whether this is an actual nickname that the Green Lance earned at some point in his life, or just another product of his overactive, sex-crazed imagination."

FENCING CHAMPION: EIRIKA

Eirika won the gold medal in fencing. No surprises there; her only real competition was silver-medalist Eliwood of Pherae. That's not to say there weren't other competitors. En contraire; no less than eight swordmasters wielded rapiers in the qualifying heat, fighting for a chance to take a swing at the lordly champions of Elibe and Magvell. But in the end most of them just weren't any good. Edward and Mia were the only ones who handled their rapiers well enough to make the final heat, and neither one of them could beat Eliwood or Eirika. Edward preformed well enough to take home the bronze for Team Tellius. Mia is now convinced that Eliwood is her "white-robed rival" and is hell-bent on facing him in a duel at dawn.

Eliwood took his loss gracefully. He's use to getting his ass kicked by a girl, courtesy of Lyn, so getting trounced by Eirika didn't come as too much of a shock to him. Eirika had some interesting thoughts on the matter, and a steamy proposition for her second place runner-up. Here's how that went down…

EIRIKA: You were good, but I was better.

ELIWOOD: I know.

EIRIKA: That doesn't bother you at all? You don't mind getting slapped around by a strong woman?

ELIWOOD: Not in the least.

EIRIKA: That's hot.

ELIWOOD: Really?

EIRIKA: Yeah, we should hook-up some time.

NINIAN: Back of hussy, he's mine! (blasts Eirika with the Dragon-Slaying Uber Fimbulvutr of Death and Almighty Pwnage)

EIRIKA: Call me! (Drops Dead)

Don't worry folks, she's just unconscious! Lyon will patch her right up in no time. Though let that be a lesson to all you fangirls. Stealing a dragon-girl's boyfriend: Very Bad Idea. Spreading rumors that said boyfriend isn't committed to the relationship and actually has a secret gay-lover: also a Very Bad Idea.

FACT: Everytime you indulge in Eliwood/Hector yaoi, Ninian murders an adorable little puppy. Please think of the puppies. Say NO to yaoi.

STILL TO COME: Jeiganfest, Tactician's Battle, Racing Events, and Mage Wars. It's already going down inside my head. I'm just waiting for that next spark of inspiration so I can show it to the world. Until then, keep the feedback coming.

Until next time, HellfireSupremacy signing out!