Author's Note: So, I've proofread this and just made a few miscellaneous fixes. Other than that, it's just the whole story, marathon form. Nothing new here. Sorry. For any newcomers (is that possible?), this takes place in between the first and second seasons, and was written there too, so most of the stuff out of Eternal Summer wasn't out when this was written, so it's a touch inaccurate. Please point out any mistakes that are still in this.
-Chapter 1 - Prologue-
Summer's come again. So what does that mean for us? Well, it means more training. More competitions. More time to swim. More fun times together. And, for me, it means one thing more than anything else. More muscles. More triceps, more abs, more pecs, more deltoids, the lot. People thought I was weird for joining a swim club, being the only girl and all. But that makes it all the more fun. I don't have to share my view with anyone else.
You might have noticed I have a bit of thing for muscles. Well, there's nothing quite like a well-cut guy. What kind of self-respecting second-year high school girl doesn't love a guy with a six pack and arms to spare? But… that doesn't mean that a guy has to have muscles to be attractive. I guess. There's this guy I like… and, well, he's not exactly un-muscular, but for a swimmer, one could expect better. But, somehow, when the four of them swim together, he's the most fun to watch. Rei-kun is the most muscular, but his non-stop theory babble makes my head hurt, and it makes him swim a little weird. Makoto-senpai is the most thickset. His shoulders are the broadest, he's the tallest and probably the most welcoming personality of the four. And his back… dear God, sexy doesn't begin to describe it. Haruka-senpai swims the most gracefully, and is the most… shapely, I guess. I don't know if that's good word to describe a guy. But even though Rei-kun and Makoto-senpai have bigger muscles, there's something about the way Haruka-senpai's shoulders taper into his stomach and then his stomach into his hips that makes him really sweet eye candy. But even then…
Even though he's the least muscular of them, even though he's the shortest, even though he'd never listen when I asked him to call me Kou, even though his hair is frustratingly blonde for a guy, even though sometimes I think he's a two-year-old hiding in a sixteen-come-seventeen-year-old's body, I just can't stop looking at Nagisa-kun.
Summer has come again. That is to say, the Earth has rotated through the 360-degree circle that decides what season falls when. And now that Japan is facing the sun again, the Iwatobi swim club can finally return to the training pool. Too soon will not be soon enough. I've been studying the theory, and practicing my form in the air. In fact, the other night, I woke up in the middle of night because I had accidentally swum myself off my bed. It's been too long since the four of us were in a pool together.
Nagisa-kun and his bubbly breaststroke, reaching out just that little bit further to try and get to the line first. It's been a while since I've seen it. Makoto-senpai's strong, if uneven, backstroke, dynamic, leaving behind the competition like they weren't even in the pool. I've always found it somewhat odd that it was so effective, even though it was so irregular. And Haruka-senpai's impossibly beautiful freestyle. There is no more to be said. The way he moves through the water is aesthetic perfection. I'm glad that I've been able to swim the three of them. It's been a blessing, and even though I was a beginner, they slowly coached me until I was the best I could be. And I was no easy student, that much is beyond question. But even then, there's one thing I'm looking forward to most.
Even though she never gets in the pool, even though she's not a swimmer, even though her hair is uncomfortably red, even though she is not theoretically beautiful, I'm looking forward to spending time with Gou-san again.
Summer's back! Hmm… it's been such a long time, hasn't it? I wonder if the others have been working harder than me at keeping in shape? I haven't been slacking! It's just, during winter, it's so cold, and I can't build up the motivation to do anything by myself. So I still went for runs with them at club meetings and stuff, but not much more. I wonder how they're doing?
Well, it wouldn't matter to Haru-chan. He'd swim in a blizzard, so even though he mightn't be in exactly top shape, he certainly is not going to be out of practice. Mako-chan… well, he's been running around after Haru-chan this whole time, trying to keep him in check, I'll bet. Those two should totally be a couple. In retrospect, I kind of regret taking the tent with Haru-chan on training camp last year. It would have been really interesting to see where it went. And, what's more, I would have been with Rei-chan. He's a character, all right. If any of us will be in top form, it's him. He's been studying theory, he's been practising his stroke, he's been running the last leg of the journey to school every day. I can hear him saying it now. But even then…
Even though he's a little odd, even though sometimes I wish he'd shut up about theory and just do it, even though he's really strict, even though he's a bit of a nerd, the thing I'm most excited about is seeing Rei-chan's butterfly.
Well, I guess summer's back, isn't it? Finally time to actually start swimming again. It's a real shame that this is going to the last year for Haru and I. We only just got started again, too. Oh, well, there's life after school, isn't there? We'll keep swimming together, I think. And then one more year and Nagisa and Rei will be there to join us. It'll be just like old times.
Oh, listen to me. I'm saying old times like they're already over, aren't I? Well, we have to make the best of what we have. I won't think about after school until school finishes. I've still got this time, and I intend to use every second of it for as much as I can. This time with Rei and his theories and whack taste in swimsuits. I still don't know where he found the giant butterfly-wing-thing he tried on. Or, for that matter, how it stayed on. But, the past is past. Now is now, the now with Nagisa. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that kid. He'll get himself into trouble one day with the way he goes on. But, now I'm thinking about the future again, aren't I? I've still got now with Haru. But even then…
Even though I know we'll still be together after school, even though we've been together since we were kids, even though hardly anything's changed in a full however-long-it's-been since we've known each other, and even though I know we'll stay together for another however-long, I don't want this time with Haru to end.
Summer's back. Finally. I can finally go swimming in the ocean, in the outdoor pool, wherever I like, and Makoto won't be there like he's my wife telling me I'll get sick. Well, I don't mind it. He's always been like that. And he will be for some time to come, I think. It's a bit soon to be third-years, for me anyway. I feel like I started high school yesterday, all of a sudden. And I only got to be in the swim club for two years. After so long, only two years.
I can always swim after school. And I know Makoto will swim with me, because he sticks to me like glue. And Nagisa and Rei will tag along after they finish school, or I hope so, anyway. It means a lot more to me when I'm with them. But it means the most when I'm with him.
Even though he's from a different school, even though he competes for another team, even though he can be a downright bastard sometimes, even though he upped and left with no warning when we were kids, I want to swim a relay with Rin.
Summer's here, huh? Great… it took its sweet time. I don't know how I managed to swangle it, but someone at Samezuka must have wanted me out, because when I asked to transfer to Iwatobi, I was out the door faster than they could open it. Well, I guess that little stunt with the relay last year didn't hurt. Some might say I'm stupid, and I probably am. It's third year, after all. A lot rides on it. But I know for a fact I couldn't concentrate on my studies with a gun on my head unless I did this. A chance to swim with those guys again…
Haru and his stupid little "I only swim free" rant. He still says like we don't get it yet. It's only been what, ten years? Twelve? There's only so many times you can hear the same thing before you stop wanting to know about it. Makoto and his little happy-families thing. I swear he thinks he's both of Haru's parents, and probably Nagisa's too. But when you've got somebody as childish as that little blonde kid is, he needs a parent everywhere he goes. My little sister's there, too. It'll be good to speak to her a little more. We grew apart when I went to Australia and never really got over it. But I want to make sure I've cleaned up all the loose strings before school's over. And speaking of loose strings, there's one person I owe a special favour.
Even though he can't swim butterfly, even though he's just a beginner, even though he'll never make to the Olympics, even though sometimes he does the most pointless things, I will never be able to thank Ryuugazaki Rei enough.
-Chapter 2 - Class 3B-
So, it's now my first day at Iwatobi. I don't know why I'm freaking out. This is, like, the third time I've transferred, and I went to school in Australia for Christ's sake. That's a long way away, and a foreign language to boot. But, even though I've been to the school before and know people there and all of that, this is the most nerve-racking of them all. I wonder if the swim club's meeting this afternoon. What I am doing, thinking of this afternoon? This morning's not over yet.
I have to meet with the headmaster first. God, he's a dry piece of work. Does he really think I don't know how the education system works yet? I've only been in it, well, I don't know, my whole goddamn life. I perk up my ears a little when he mentions what class I'm in. 3B. Well, a transfer can't exactly expect to be put in class A straight up. I clear my throat, barely catching my manners before I speak. "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but do you know if Nanase Haruka-kun is in that class?"
The guy puts on these ridiculous little half-moon glasses that make him look even more corpse-age than he already did. Fingering through a pile of paper that could be as tall as me if it tried, he found the class listing for 3B. It only took, like, half an hour. Is it really that surprising that third-year classes would be at the bottom? "You're in luck today, Matsuoka-kun. He is." He slides the glasses further down his nose as he looks at me. He's trying to be stern, I think, but it's really not working for the guy. "Any further questions?"
"No, sir." I resist the urge to laugh at me being deferential to this thing.
"Very well, then. Off to class with you." Bloody finally. The chair squeaks loudly and I half-walk, half-run to the door. "Wait, Matsuoka-kun. One more thing." Really? Are you doing this now? "Do you intend to join any clubs?"
I laugh a little, and turn back to face the headmaster. "Damn straight I do." He seems to flinch a little as he realises my pointed teeth. They do unsettle people. "The swim club."
And with that I stride coolly out of the room and off to class 3B.
Thank God our homeroom teacher didn't change for third year. Well, it doesn't make too much difference to me, but at least Makoto didn't have to the teacher I'm not a girl. Again. Seriously, is there not a thing on the roll? So we get the attendance done, and I start staring out the window. It's been too long since the four of us were together in that pool. We practically made that thing ourselves, but we didn't get to spend nearly enough time in it. And suddenly Awa-chan-sensei says something a little out of the ordinary. "I know it's a little unusual, but we've accepted a transfer student into this class. You can come in, Rin-kun." The window doesn't seem so interesting anymore.
Awa-chan-sensei called him by his first name. That name was Rin. She called him –kun. So he's a guy. There can't be too many male Rins in third year, can there? And more to the point, how many would Awa-chan-sensei call by their first name? That was just too many coincidences. I hear him open the door, and I don't even have to look know it's him. The aggressive approach, the cleanness. It's just so Rin-like. And sure enough, a tall redhead follows the sound and it's unmistakably that person. My eyes widen on their own, no matter how much I try to stop them. And suddenly I'm staring daggers at Rin and trying to pretend I'm not. Well, he's staring daggers back at me, so I guess it's fine. He writes his name on the board, and I find myself wondering why Gou didn't tell us. Maybe she didn't know.
"My name is Matsuoka Rin. I used to go to Samezuka Academy. I have a girly name, but I'm a guy." Wow. That speech is practiced. And identical to the one from back then. I look at Makoto and he's just as surprised as me, but seems to be dealing with it better. I look back at Rin and can't help but notice the seat in front of me is empty. A drummer beats on my heart and I find myself praying that that seat is his.
Well, I never guessed this would happen. Haru seems to have taken to it well. Or, as well as he takes to anything. If nothing else, we know we have a fifth member for the swim club. Haru stares intently at the seat in front of him like he's trying to set it on fire. I don't have the heart to point out the other free chair in the other corner of the room. And Awa-chan-sensei raises her arm and makes the fateful decision.
"Okay, Rin-kun. You can take this seat here." She points to the seat in the front. I'm a little surprised – she knows how close we are, and she would know there's a free seat in front of Haru. And I'm more than a little disappointed. It's been a long time since we had a class with Rin. I guess that kind of luck only happens in stories, huh? I look back at Haru, offering a sort of 'it's-okay-we-can-still-talk-to-him-at-lunch' sort of smile. And he can't see it. He can't see anything more than his knees at the minute. He's crushed. Way more than I thought he would be. And it annoys me.
I can't tell why.
-Chapter 3 - Meanwhile, in Second Year-
I was super lucky this year! Rei-chan and Gou-chan are both in my class, and we managed to find seats together. I'm even in the middle. Class is like a massive game. Well, when there's no tests. But anyway, it's a bundle of fun. Rei-chan gets really serious. It's pretty funny, actually. He stares at the board and takes it all in like some kind of brain sponge. I hope he won't notice when I steal his notebook to study for finals. We've got time yet, but I'll need help. Gou-chan's a little more receptive. Well, she was. But, these days, she seems shier than usual. Only with me. I see her talking with Rei-chan at lunchtimes and whatnot, and they're chatting on like it ain't no thing, and then I walk in, sit down, say hi, and she freezes right up like one of those wacky Greek statues. But not naked.
I get the same way sometimes with Rei-chan. I feel like there are some things I shouldn't say to him. Even fairly little things. I feel like I can't ask him what his favourite flavour ice-cream is, or what he had for breakfast this morning or even if he's doing well. It's not that he wouldn't take them well. He's Rei-chan. Taking things well is what he does. It's part of his charm, I think. Well, that and his weird little beauty thing. I get where he comes from. I mean, beautiful is good. It's also undefined and subjective, and easily influenced. But, anyway, it's kinda cute. Particularly for a guy.
Science. My favourite class. We're studying physics right now, and if there is one part of my intellect I pride above others, it's mechanical calculation. The formulae are fairly elementary at this level. It's simplified for bottom-tier physicists who don't understand the mathematical theory that drives their discipline. In reality, we should be integrating the acceleration function in order to find the velocity function, and integrate that to get a displacement function, using boundary conditions in both respects to find constants. But all the acceleration is treated as constant, which is preposterous in a real-world context. Unless you have a perfect sphere, which is also ridiculous. But why on earth would anyone develop a theory that only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum? Chickens are not spherical, nor are they in a vacuum, as they would asphyxiate close to immediately. They may be more beautiful as spheres though. It's an interesting, if impossible, proposition.
There is another proposition I have encountered recently, and I need some time to get my head around it. Let me list the evidence. Firstly, I deliberately allowed Nagisa-kun to sit next to me so that she could not. Secondly, I find myself looking over my pen to try and glimpse her face. And thirdly, I am thinking about this now, even though physics is empirically more interesting and more beautiful. This proposition is interesting, and while not impossible, highly improbable. But, if we study physics that only applies to spherical chickens in vacuums, perhaps I am also a sphere in a vacuum and I have used the wrong formulae. But regardless of the reason, I think I may be attracted to Gou-san.
Jesus, not physics again. I'm not really sure that anything on this earth could possibly be more boring. Well, Rei-kun doesn't seem to think so. He's getting right into it. When he's not looking over at Nagisa-kun, that is. He seems to look at him almost as often as I do. Which is weird. I thought Nagisa-kun wouldn't exactly fit his ideal of beauty, so no way is he hot for him. But still, he looks at him a lot. And he gets the better view as well. Nagisa-kun mightn't exactly be well-built for a swimmer, but he still is fairly fun to look at. Particularly on the left. I can't really tell why. I think his nose might be uneven or something, but he definitely looks better from the left. Shame I sit on his right.
But even though I'm not getting a good view, I can't stop myself looking at him. There's something about the way he fuzzes over like a can of soft drink you dropped then opened that makes him inherently interesting. And his eyes. There's something about them. The shape, the colour. Mine are red, but pink is way more fun. They're wide, but not too wide, and it feels like he can see what you're thinking. Thank God he can't. I don't what him knowing what I think about him.
-Chapter 4 - First Contact-
After school…
Well, that was boring. I guess I am stupid for transferring. I studied that stuff ages ago. Oh well, I guess it's good revision. But who even cares? I'm not here for that, nor does it matter to me. I'm only here for the pool. I hit up Makoto and Haru as they pack up all their things. I turn to the backstroker. "So, club captain. Is it okay if I join the swim team?"
He laughs in that odd little way he has. "I was going to ask you if you'd be okay with filling out the paperwork. It sounds a little dumb, between our history and your calibre, but we have to, I guess." He shrugs, and I notice his shoulders are as muscular as they were at the end of the season.
"You've been keeping in shape, Makoto? I'm impressed."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" I just laugh. It's been too long, really. I can't believe I'm saying something as ridiculously sappy as this, but I missed these two.
"Just what it sounds like. Now, you, Haru, I'm not so impressed. Was the pool cheating on you or something? Normally poor old Makoto needs chains and handcuffs to keep you out of the water." They both swallow conspicuously at the chain comment, and Makoto starts pulling at his collar awkwardly. These two should really buy a clue. Are they really the only two in the universe who don't see it? "Well, is the swim club meeting today?"
"Given the number of posters your sister has been painting counting up to the prefecturals, I think we're meeting every day." Haru finally opens his mouth. He's stoic as ever, but there's kind of a catch in his voice. I chalk it up the chain comment. Was it really that discomforting?
"Ah, Gou. She can be overenthusiastic. She's been that way for a long time. But, it's weird, you know. You two probably know her better than me. I haven't been at home for years."
"Ah! I never even thought about that! You've been at boarding schools since middle school, haven't you?" Makoto's nice enough, but can he ever be slow.
"So what? My family sells off my room? It's difficult to do that, you know. And if my sister can make it here each day, I shouldn't have too much trouble."
"Why are we still here?" Haru chips in in his abrasive little way. "We could be at the pool by now." He says it like normal, but for some godforsaken reason, he's looking me up and down as he does.
Rin can be so insensitive sometimes. Did he really have to go on about chains? Surely in all the time we've known each other, he would have figured out that it's not like I haven't imagined some chains from time to time. I'm not really into the whole affair, but haven't all adolescent boys had fantasies? Well, having said that, you've got to say that most of them are nothing like mine. Most don't involve swimsuits. Or rather, removal of. Most don't involve your childhood friends. And, most don't involve other guys.
Rin's even more insensitive than he was before. Did he really have to mention chains? It doesn't take a genius to guess that I've pictured chains around someone's wrists more than once. But the comment's all the more awkward when that someone is in the room. I guess everyone has fantasies, but has Rin really not guessed mine were about him?
-Chapter 5 - Splashdown, and a Surprise-
I would guess it's been about 3 months since the swimming club last met at the pool. And a lot can change in 3 months, evidently. For one thing, I am now a second year. Another, moss had begun growing around the corners of the pool, but in a fit of foresight, Nagisa-kun rounded us up and had us clean it. For a third, a new transfer student joined the club. Well, I say new. He is new to the school, but not to the pool, nor the sport, nor the club. I can definitely say I did not predict even a remote possibility that Rin-san would transfer. I suppose that makes him Rin-senpai. I will have to adapt accordingly.
"Welcome to the Iwatobi Swim Club, Rin-senpai." No-one else seems to doing an official welcome, so I'm better than no-one. Possibly.
"You're welcoming me, Rei? In the least offensive sense possible, that's absolutely ridiculous. You're basically the replacement me for this club, you realise?" I gasp. He's so forward, or rather, offensive. Not like his sister at all.
"Well, excuse me for being good-mannered."
"I'm joking, mate. Chill." Rin-san (wait, it's Rin-senpai now) smiles and exposes his teeth. How on earth did he get them like that? Implants? Regular filing? That would hurt. And it would expose the inside of the teeth, and they would rot in fairly short order. They must be implants, or surgically modified somehow. Whatsoever for, I might never know. "Thanks."
That one word. Thanks. It's gruff, short and brash. But it's also sincere and meaningful. More meaningful than one would expect. I may done a big favour for Rin-san (-senpai) is giving up my relay place, but really, a thanks like that one seems to imply more, in theory. Particularly since, and I'm sure he realised this, I didn't give up the spot for him. I gave it up to him. There's a big difference. Haruka-senpai looked like he was also going to quit swimming. Makoto-senpai wasn't exactly happy. And Nagisa was all but crying. And when that guy's unhappy, you know things have gone seriously wrong. So either I didn't swim, or nobody did. It doesn't exactly take a theoretical genius to make that decision. And, without being conceited, I think I can be objectively called a theoretical genius. So, in theory, that thanks means more than thanks for letting me swim. Is there something I'm not noticing?
I discovered that's there's a female change room near the pool, just today. It's bizarre, actually. An entire year and I didn't even notice. But, I suppose that's the first time it's been touched in centuries. But, today, I have a little surprise planned for the boys. They must think I'm hydrophobic or something. I practically lived next to a pool for three months and never got in once. Well, that's about to change. I'm joining them for the day. Just for the day. It's not like I'm doing it to get close to them, or to show off my figure or anything. I'm not exactly built for a bikini, nor am I really built for my tight-fitting black one-piece. I'm not fat, not by a long shot. But I could be less fat. Couldn't we all? Well, not that lot. I don't think they know the meaning of fat.
A surprise for a surprise is the best description of the events that took place poolside. I came out in my black one-piece, and saw my brother there. Nagisa screamed in shock when he saw me and I screamed in shock at seeing Onii-chan. Well, I didn't really scream. I kind of gasped and made one of those really awkward faces that's best described as 'lolwut'. You know the ones. Then I went and hugged him, reflexively as much as anything else. "Hi there." My voice didn't really make it out clearly, because my face was buried in his chest. "Nice to see you." I straighten up after my little display of sibling affection. "So how long exactly have you been planning to transfer here?"
Onii-chan reaches his hand behind his head and gives a half-bred awkward laugh. "It's been on the cards for about three months. But it only got approved recently, and I only transferred today."
"And how the hell did you keep this a secret from me?"
"Well, I wanted to surprise you all. And, even if I told just you, I don't know how good you are at keeping secrets. So, I kept it totally on the down-low. Mum knows, because I kind of have to move back in with you guys. My luggage got sent home with a porter. I didn't even know Samezuka had those things. But, hell, it was convenient."
"Well, whatever. I think you're stupid. Why would you transfer here during third year? It's not like didn't know Haruka-senpai and the rest were here beforehand. Surely you could have just stuck with it for the year and met up again outside of school." I turn my back to him with an air of superiority.
"Well, some welcome from my little sister."
"Just because I think you're stupid, doesn't mean I'm not happy you're here." I twist at the hips so Onii-chan can see me smiling.
And now that I'm done 'greeting' Onii-chan, I notice Nagisa-kun is still pointing at me and shaking, like I'm some wacko demon spawn. "G-Gou-chan… you're wearing a swimsuit!"
"Very perceptive, Nagisa-kun. So are you." I couldn't resist at little dig at the guy. His vulnerability is part of his charm.
"Yeah, but I always do! Since when do you even swim?"
"Well, I've not exactly swum competitively before. But, seriously, the amount of swimming I've seen, I've got to know something. And it's not like I've never touched water. But I thought maybe just today, it'd be nice to welcome in the new season just having a little fun together."
Something's weird about Rei-kun today. Well, weirder than normal, anyway. As soon as I came out in the swimsuit, he started staring at me. And he's trying his best not to keep going, but it's not really working. I'm sure he's doing one of his little 'not beautiful at all rants' in his head. Really? Are we going there? I mightn't have the most stunning figure, but I'm sure he's seen worse. Oh, well. Whatever. Nagisa-kun seems to enjoy the view. I'm cool with that.
"Well? What we all waiting for? A formal invitation?" I said it. But it was a bit of a moot point. Haruka-senpai had been in the pool for like, ten minutes by now. "Whatever. Let's just get in." And I turn around, run a few steps and playfully dive into the pool, taking care to arch my back so that Nagisa-kun gets full view of all my assets. That's so unlike me. I hear Rei-kun muttering something. "Her entry angle was off by a full ten degrees…" He keeps going, but I shove my head back under the water so I don't hear the rest.
I can't believe Gou-chan got in the pool with us! Really, she's done up posters and been the ruler with an iron fist we needed from time to time, but I definitely didn't expect her to have this side to her. It's really sweet, actually. Who wants to go all-out training from day one? Just having some fun together is a good opening to the season. I feel like we'll be invincible this year. Rin-Rin's back, Gou-chan's opened up, or whatever you call it, and we're all that much closer.
But I'm still not as close as I would like with Rei-chan. As in, like, both meanings. I feel like there's some sort of wall between us. And he's out of it something terrible right now. I take a few strokes over to him and splash him. "Rei-chan? You in there?" I laugh loudly and take a few strokes backward, in case he decides to return the favour. But he doesn't seem to care much. He's staring off at something. I'm not quite sure what, so I swim back over to him and stand next to him, and try to follow his line of sight. Haru-chan's doing laps like a madman. But Rei-chan's eyes aren't moving, so he's not looking there. Mako-chan and Rin-chan are just messing about with Gou-chan, splashing her then running (or, well, swimming I guess) away from her because they're, like, a thousand times faster. She gets frustrated and just does one of those big hit-the-water things, and makes a big splash. Not big enough to hit either of them, but big enough to let off some steam. She pulls herself up to the edge of the pool and just sits there pouting.
Actually, I have to admit, she's a fairly pretty girl. I've never really noticed. But's she's bustier than I thought, and her face is actually pretty nice. Wait, no way. I take another look at Rei-chan's line of sight, and trace it along. "No way… Rei-chan, are you ogling Gou-chan?" I say it softly enough that only he can hear me. He pulls up bullet straight out of nowhere and suddenly starts blushing.
"Not at all, Nagisa-kun! Why would you think that? She's not beautiful at all. Why would I look at her?" He seems distraught, so he pulls his goggles over his eyes and takes off on some laps of butterfly. I shake my head a little.
"You're not fooling anyone, Rei-chan." I say it to myself. I don't need anybody else to hear that. They wouldn't hear what I actually said anyway. I look over at Gou-chan. I guess we're rivals now. Well, perhaps not. It looks like she heard Rei-chan perfectly.
"I'm not beautiful at all, huh?" She turns her eyes down and her fringe hides them. Her face threatens tears, but no-one seems to notice. Haru-chan had just done a turn, so he was underwater. He mustn't have heard anything. And Rin-chan and Mako-chan are busy in some kind of mock tsunami war.
Shouldn't someone be comforting her here? Should I? We're rivals, though. Is this the kind of thing they do? Well, who cares? We're friends, too, and a she needs a smiling face right now. And my face is pretty much never not smiling. So I make my way over and pull myself out the pool and sit next to her.
"You know, Gou-chan. I think you're plenty beautiful."
She starts a little and looks up. There are a few stray tears at the edges of her eyes, but she seems happy enough. "Get out, Nagisa-kun. Like you mean that."
"I do! I really do!" I give my best 'serious about this' look. I don't know if it goes over well.
"Really?" Maybe. Maybe not.
"Yes!" A vehement nod, and a brief hug. "I don't think Rei-chan meant it either. Did you see the way he looked at you?" I do my best to stop my voice from catching on the last phrase, but it doesn't work so well.
"Thanks. It means a lot." Somehow, I get the feeling it means more than I think.
"Anytime, Gou-chan! Later!" I dive recklessly into the water, and fight my way over to where Mako-chan and Rin-chan are. "What do you think you're doing without me!?"
-Chapter 6 - Reflection ~Why?~-
Well, today was just a bundle of surprises. First Rin shows up in class. Then Gou gets in the pool and everything. I think it must be an omen of some kind. This many weird things aren't supposed to happen in one day. I mean, Ren and Ran got through all of dinner and right up to bedtime without fighting. That's a real surprise. And Rin's little comment brought on a couple of surprises of my own. I'm keeping them to myself for a while though.
I don't really know what I'm supposed to think about myself. Am I normal? Is it normal for a guy to hang around with a bunch of other guys while being virtually naked? Is it normal for you to start thinking about them a certain way after a certain while? Is it just me appreciating that Haru's beautiful, or is it more than that? I mean, I guess I've always known, somewhere, that Haru has a pretty great figure, and if he was a girl, I'd be all over him like… I don't know, something that gets all over you. But… is it okay that I still want to be all over him, even though he's not a girl? What would Mum and Dad think? What would Rin think? What would Haru think? I don't feel like I know him well enough to answer that myself anymore. I feel like I don't know myself well enough to answer all of these other questions. You see in movies and whatever that love always wins out in the end and that love is stronger than anything… but it's really not that simple, is it? Is this love that I'm feeling? Is it right? Is my love defiled in some way, because it's for another guy? Will I ever be happy with just friendship now? Now that I think about it, it's always been this way. I've had my fantasies, just like any person. And, no matter who else was in them, Haru was always there. It always made its way back to him. So, I guess I've wanted more than just friendship for a long time. But, is it worth the risk? If I tell him about all this, how do I know that things won't change between us? Is it better for me just to pretend I'm fine being just friends, so that we can always be just friends? Or should I go all or nothing? I don't know the answers. I never have, and maybe I never will. I just toss about in bed trying to find them, but, if one thing's certain, they're not here. But I need to know… is it normal to feel this way?
Today was a good day. Rin managed a transfer. I don't know how, but I don't really care. I'm glad I can see him again. But I'm a little angry. Why did Ama-chan-sensei put him up the front when there was a perfectly good seat in front of me? She's probably got some fifty-million year old quote from a corpse to back her up, but I don't really care. Especially after his quip today, I want as much of him as I can get.
Is that okay, to say that? Is it okay for me to be possessive of another guy like that? Is it okay to feel like all of him isn't enough? Aren't girls supposed to feel this way? I was trying to go to sleep, but I can't get settled with all these thoughts in my head. So I get up and go for a run. I don't know if I was trying to run away from them, but I know it didn't work. They stuck over me like a cloud. Is it okay to feel like that about another guy? Is it okay to feel like that at all? Would it have been easier if I was a girl? I still could have swum all I liked. I guess I never would have met Rin that way. But, at least, if I did meet him, it would have been okay to feel this way. Is it okay to feel this way anyway? I don't know anymore. I hate feeling like this. And for some reason, whenever I do, it's always about Rin. The first time he quit swimming in middle school. When he said he'd never swim with me again at prefecturals. When he tried to quit swimming for good at regionals last year. I get so confused, even the water doesn't seem inviting anymore. Why? Why is it all about Rin? He's not the only one I like swimming with. What about Nagisa? What about Rei? What about Gou, after her little bout this afternoon? I know I wouldn't feel that why if any of them gave up swimming. What about Makoto? We've been together for forever and a day. Would I feel that way if he left? Why do I feel this way about Rin, but not about him? Is that right? He's known me so much longer, so shouldn't I like him the best? I'd be sad if he left, but if Rin was there, I feel like I could keep going on. That's not right. I don't know what isn't right about it, but it's not right. And why Rin? He's abrasive, abusive, unreliable, dishonest, cold. Makoto is better in every conceivable way. So why? Why is it all about Rin? I need to know… is it okay to feel this way?
It's been a long time since I was last living in this room. A really long time. And I have so much stuff. I never realised how many clothes and books and whatnot I'd racked up over five years at boarding school. I racked up a few other things too. The thing about boarding schools – you wind up living in a building full of other guys. And when you're at a school for elite swimmers, some of them are fairly nice to look at. And when you spend five years there, you come to know a few things about yourself.
So that's why I'm not uncomfortable at all around Makoto and Haru. I can't exactly judge them for anything – I'm exactly the same. But that's not the point, is it? I'm not really sure, but I've always felt like I was the one on the outer. In our old relay team, Haru and Makoto were a couple, even if they didn't realise, and Nagisa was younger, so he didn't really count. So I was sort of left alone. Like, together, but alone. It's a weird feeling. And in Australia, it was the same. I was one of the only foreign students there, and the only Japanese one, and I didn't speak English that well at first. I got better as time went on, obviously. But, by the time I was speaking fluently enough, everyone had already made up their little cliques and I couldn't have made a friend no matter what. So there I was again, alone in a crowd of thousands. I don't know if any of the other students there swung that way, but I never would have gotten to know anyway. Samezuka was probably the best. If nobody else, I had Ai on my tail like a dingo. Except, dingoes are threatening. Now, I do know that he sways that way. He mightn't have said it in as many words, but it didn't exactly take a genius to tell. But now I'm back at Iwatobi. And Haru and Makoto are a couple again, and Gou's my sister, so it doesn't really count. Nagisa and Rei might be a couple as well. It's not hard to see. Shame that. I was kind of hoping Rei would feel the same way I do. It seemed that way. He couldn't really get close to the club, because apparently they were always on about me. So, I thought, if I was lucky, he'd feel like he was alone in the crowd too, and we could be alone together. I wonder if he sways that way? I hope so. He mightn't be the best swimmer, but he must have done something to get him as built as he is. And no way could he swim butterfly as a beginner if he wasn't athletic beforehand. I wonder what his theories would say about this? Would we be a good match, in his eyes? I don't see what's not to like. We've got the whole opposites attract dynamic going on. So from there, it's not too much more, is it? But what if he is with Nagisa? Where does that leave me?
Ah, what a day! I never thought Rin-chan would come to us! Or that Gou-chan would get in the pool! Don't you love it when everything just seems to go your way? Or, well, almost everything.
I'm not exactly uncomfortable with the way I am. I've known for a while now. And it's not really much of a surprise to anybody, is it? I'm girlier than half the girls I know, so it's not really much of a shock that I'm not attracted to them. I haven't really told anyone though. No-one needs to know except me and anyone I end up dating, I think. So I'll keep my cards to chest a little longer. But I have to wonder, what does Rei-chan think? Sometimes I wish I could read his mind the way Mako-chan can read Haru-chan's. I just… really want to know what he thinks of me. He's open with me as it is, but there some things I just can't tell for myself. But I don't want to ask them, either. I'm a forward person, but there are boundaries on this kind of thing. We each have our secrets, and even though I hate it, it's probably staying that way for a while yet. And, of the five of us, he's the newest. I know the least about him. I know Haru-chan and Mako-chan were made for each other, and I know Rin-chan feels left out sometimes, but comes around in the end. But Rei-chan. I can't tell what he likes. Does he like other guys? Or does he like girls? Or both? I can't even tell. And that sucks, because I don't know whether or not I can chase him. He seems to be into Gou-chan. So, does that make him straight? Well, I know a little theory, too, and it says that gayness is linked to higher order intelligence, and Rei-chan's as high order as I've ever seen. He'd know that, too, I'm sure. So is he gay? Maybe he's somewhere is the middle? That'd be fun. Refreshingly different, and really cute. Just like Rei-chan. So is he bi? I wish I knew. But either way, I know I'm competing with Gou-chan. He was totally ogling her today. So if he's straight, maybe I can turn him, or if he's bi, well, then I can save myself the effort. But, I wonder if I can beat Gou-chan?
Well, today had plenty of unexpected turns. I can say the probability of Rin-san (-senpai) getting a transfer wasn't something I'd considered. Theoretically, it's foolish. There's absolutely no reason that he should have moved away from a swimming powerhouse if he wants to make it to the Olympics, and if he's shooting for university, Samezuka is preferable to Iwatobi in virtually every respect. But it's interesting seeing how everyone reacts. I might be the recent addition, but I think that the five of us are still a team, no matter. Well, I say five, but there's six club members.
Gou-san. I can't determine how I should be thinking about her. Theory would dictate she should be nothing more than a friend. But somehow that just doesn't sound satisfying. I feel like I want to know her better and understand the way she thinks and feels. She's not beautiful, so it's not a physical attraction, I don't think. Or, well, she's not traditionally beautiful. But there's something a little bit different about her that makes her beautiful nonetheless. But then, I went running my mouth off, saying she's not beautiful at all when Nagisa-kun asked. Nagisa-kun… I'm not sure how I'm meant to be thinking about him either. I know, in theory, that homosexual attraction is typical of beings of higher intelligence, like humans, so I'm in the clear, if not superior, in a basic Darwinist evolutionary sense. But that doesn't mean everything will go over in practice. Again, it's much the same… I shouldn't want anything more than a friendship from him, but I do. He's not exactly beautiful either. But his personality is. Is this right? Is it right that I'm torn between feelings for a boy and a girl? And is it right that the decision is so difficult? Is it right that I feel like I can't talk about this until I find the answer myself? I don't think there's a theory for this, but I still need to know if it's right.
What a doozy today was. First Onii-chan goes and transfers to Iwatobi, joins the swim club, and then we just have a little day off, and suddenly everything's on its head. I know that Onii-chan is just upstairs now, and I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. It's been so long since we were last together properly, and we hardly spoke all day. I'm having a few regrets about my decision to join them all today. Was it really a good idea?
Well, Rei-kun didn't seem to think so. Him and all his stupid 'this is beautiful' and 'this is not beautiful'. Doesn't he know it's not appropriate to judge people by their looks? Especially not women. And most of all, not women my age. I have enough trouble convincing myself I'm beautiful as it is, so I don't need any help to dislike my body, thank you very much. I don't think I'm ugly. But I know I'm not beautiful. Well, my hair's pretty nice, but my waist is a little wider than I'd like and my skin is pale and blemished and my eyes are disconcerting. Seriously, who has red eyes? It wouldn't be a lie to say I've considered some pretty drastic things to try and be more beautiful, but I've not had to resort to them yet. I shouldn't have to, should I? I mean, Nagisa-kun said he thought I was beautiful. Well, he said it, but I don't know if he meant it. I would have a hard time believing that. I mean, even I don't think I'm beautiful, so why the hell would he? And… even if he did mean it, I don't think it means the same to him as it does to me. He probably means I'm right for someone else, and I'll be able to catch just anybody being just half-pretty. But I don't want just anybody. I want him. But I don't think I'll get him. He's aiming for someone else. I don't know who, and I don't really care because that person isn't me, and that's all I need to know. It could even be another guy. It wouldn't surprise me. But, still, I don't think he and I will ever be a pair. I'm not beautiful enough or sporty enough or smart enough or anything to draw in any major catches. Well, I guess I'll just be stuck staring at muscles forever. I roll over in bed again, trying to think about anything but this. And I think about Onii-chan and about how we haven't really spoken properly for forever and about all the opportunities I had to fix that today and about how each and every one of them wasted away like they were never there to begin with. When he was away at school, he only came back for about a month each year. So about four months in four years, that's all we had.
And now he's right in front of me and I can't do anything with it. Ah, I'm pathetic. I'm so bad at drawing matches I can't even be friendly with my own brother. I want to be close with him – what kind of sister would I be if I didn't? But I just don't know if I can be. I don't know if I can be close with Onii-chan or Nagisa-kun or anybody, so I just curl up into my pillow and try to fall asleep, but I fall a few tears instead.
-Chapter 7 - Tuesday Mornings Suck-
Last night was rough. I normally sleep fairly poorly, and I always wake up late. But last night was really rough. I don't know if I slept at all. Normally, at times like that, I try listening to some music to try and relax, but most songs are about love and friendship, and those are two things I'm not really in the mood to hear about right now. I need to make a few decisions about what Haru is to me before I'm ready for that. Well, at the minute, he's my excuse to be late. I knock on his front door, and he doesn't answer. Again. So I look at the bathroom window, and steam's coming out. Again. So I go around to the back door, and it's unlocked. Again. I make my way in, and knock on the bathroom door. Again. "Haru, if you don't hurry up, we'll be late." Again. No response, so I just meander in. Again. And, sure enough, there he is in the bath, soaking in it like the world around him wasn't there at all. Again. And I walk over, and reach out a hand, offering to help him out with a smile. 'Here.' Again.
Oh, well, not quite 'again.' Normally, I close my eyes when I smile. I don't know why, it's just a habit I picked up. But this time, I open my eyes wider than normal. And as he reaches out and wraps his hand around my wrist, I notice I don't want him to let go. And I notice that I pull him up more slowly than normal, so my eyes have more time to dwell on any one part of his body. And I notice my eyes are straining to see through the steam coming off the bath, straining to see any little detail I haven't already seen, and all the ones I have. And when he stands up in full, I notice that I don't immediately go to let go and leave the bathroom like normal. I notice that I stay and just stare at him a little, and I notice that I hope he doesn't see me doing it. I notice he's wearing a swimsuit, and even though it's not a surprise, I'm surprised that I notice it's not the same one he was wearing at practice yesterday. It fits differently – the one yesterday was a little looser around his hips, and tighter down his legs, but this one is just all-around tight – particularly there. I swallow, somewhat uncomfortably. "Well, I'll see you downstairs once you're dressed." I walk out of the bathroom trying to be as un-awkward as possible, but I think it just made it worse.
"Makoto?" I crane my neck back to face him again, because I'd just turned the corner around the doorway.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay? You seem a little strange today." And for a split second, it crosses my mind that I could just tell him everything, I could run back in there and hold him tight and maybe more, I could find out what he thinks about me and maybe we could skip school together and just bathe in our newfound feelings. And a split second later I realise that he could say no, he could push me away, he could call me a freak, he could leave me alone forever. It could be that we'd never recover if I told him everything. It could be that these mornings and the days together at school would just be over like they'd never started, and I couldn't deal with that.
"I'm totally fine. Don't worry. Just hurry up and get dressed." I smile again, and this time I do close my eyes because I don't want him to see I'm lying.
You know, I've never really noticed how helpless I'd be without Makoto around. I mean, I'd probably never make it to school, more or less every day. I'd probably spend my entire life in the bath. Or a pool, or something. Point being, I lean on Makoto more than I realise. It's not like I couldn't do it. I just wouldn't be paying enough attention to care. And, if I don't feel like talking, I know he'll talk for me. It's always been a little like that. But I don't feel like I care about him enough for everything he does for me. Is it right that I value Rin more than I do Makoto? It doesn't seem right. I'm taking so much time thinking about all these things I'm still not dressed a full five minutes later. I shake my head and get it all out, and I finally go downstairs. I haven't done up my buttons and I can't find my tie. I think it's downstairs. Sure enough, Makoto's holding it up. "Thanks." Is that really all I can say?
"You really don't need to thank me, Haru." He seems unsettled, but if he doesn't want to talk about it, I'm not pressing. If he won't talk about it to me, it's private. So I'll leave it alone. He'll talk when he's ready. He smiles again, but it seems kind of tight, like those 40-something women you see who are addicted to Botox. I worry about him sometimes. I hope he sorts it out soon. I get sad when he's sad.
So, do I value him more than I do Rin? We're walking to school, and he's talking about something. But I can't pay as much attention as I'd like. Until he mentions Rin. Suddenly, my ears perk up and I'm paying attention again. "How weird is it that Rin decided to transfer?"
"It really doesn't make any sense." I am irritated that he transferred? I'm not. It's so much better having him around. But I just don't know how I feel about him.
Makoto laughs. "You sound like you're disappointed." He sounds more comfortable than before. Am I disappointed? It's good that I can swim with Rin. I know that. But is that all I want?
"I'm not disappointed he transferred. I just can't figure out why." I hope Makoto thinks I'm just talking about the transfer. I've already figured out why he did it. Now I just need to figure out why I feel so weird about it. Why do I feel like something's gone wrong, even though everything's gone right? Why do I feel like I can't get close to him, even though he's right there? Why do I feel like he means more now that's he there? Why do I feel like he's the lynch pin that holds my life together?
"Well, I guess we'll just have to talk to him about it, won't we?" Good. Makoto swallowed it – he didn't even suspect what I really meant. I sigh, reflexively.
"Maybe." I wish I could. Even though he's right in front of me, I feel like he's nowhere near. School comes into sight just around the corner and Makoto breaks into a half-bred jog.
"Pick up the pace, Haru! We can't be late again." So I break into a half-bred jog as well and we half-bred jog up to the school gates and to our classroom and I can't help but notice Rin isn't there.
I'm a little bit out of practice at going to school. Well, not the classes and all that, actually going there. It's been forever-and-a-day since I last actually had to move to get to school. Australia was a bit weird. You moved from classroom to classroom, rather than teachers coming to you, so I still had to do some walking. And there's a right ton of land space down there, so the school was huge. Apparently, for Australia, it was fairly average size, but by Japanese standards, it was practically half a town. Well, not quite that bad. But it took a full ten minutes to walk from one end to the other. Which, more often than not, was my room to my first class. But that's only ten minutes, and it's only walking.
Samezuka was better, but more cramped. If I'd really felt the need, I probably could have fallen out of my bed into my homeroom seat. So I've gotten quite used to sleeping in. Or, well, more like waking up ridiculously early to go to swim training and then going back to sleep again. But today, I had no swim training, and a train to catch. Gou must have been shaking me for a full five minutes until I finally realised what the hell was going on.
So now we're late. Not late-late, but late enough that it won't look good on my second day. Well, it's not like they're going to kick me. I don't know if they have the option to do that. I half-hope not, but then I remember that even if they could, it's not like they would. Really. Why would you? A possible Olympian, and a certain university entry otherwise. Would you pass up a chance to say they were a past student? I'm more worried about Gou.
"Why did you wait for me? I could've gone by myself." We'd managed to snag two seats next to each other. Someone must like us today. But she twitches awkwardly and her feet turn in when I talk to her. How could that possibly be comfortable?
"Well… I wanted to make sure you didn't get lost. Mum said she drove you in yesterday, so it's your first time taking this route, isn't it?"
"It's the first time I've had to make it from the station to the school, but not the first time I've been to Iwatobi Station or High School. So it wouldn't be impossible for me to find my way there. But now you're going to be late. Surely that's not a good thing."
"Well, it's not like it's the first time a student's been a little bit late. It'll blow over by second period."
I frown a little. She seems to have covered all her bases, but I'm not convinced that's what she's actually thinking. The fact that's she staring down at her turned-in feet really doesn't help. Seriously, how can that be comfortable? "You sure that's all it's about?" If it isn't, why can't you look at me?
"Yeah." I can practically see the gears in her head turning as she tries to figure out something to say to keep the conversation going. She seems to come up blank, and she just keeps contemplating her knees, with her feet turned in like some demonic inverted penguin.
"Well, thanks. It means a lot." I turn away noncommittally, pretending to be all holier-than-thou like I hadn't just thanked her. It's weird. I don't know why I do that. It's just a thing. I don't like looking at people if they're about to start gushing emotions, and they normally do after someone says thanks.
"Don't mention it." She seems more at ease now. Even though I can't see her, I hear her straightening up and looking at me, finally. So I turn back and look at her, and she's smiling, and I feel like I did the right thing. "This is our stop."
The train screeches to an abrupt halt, and we stand up and get off. I take a look both ways and realise I'm not really sure which exit I should be taking. I feel like west is the right way, but east makes more sense when I try to lay out Iwatobi in my head. Gou grabs my wrist and drags me to the west exit. Well, at least my instincts aren't dead yet. "Hurry up, Onii-chan. We're already late." She lets go of my wrist and we both break into a mutual jog to try and get to school in a remnant of on-time.
-Chapter 8 - The Train Had Been Late - Get Over It-
Well, I was late. Later than I thought I would be. I have to stand in the hall for a full ten minutes. I never really got that. I mean, I was late to class, so what do they do? Make me later. It doesn't really add up. Oh, well. I'm not exactly complaining. I mean, why do I want to be sitting in there studying something stupid like physics or English? At least this way I have some time to myself.
Time to myself. What am I saying? I get too much of that. I spend so much time by myself, doing whatever, but why don't I ever go out with anybody? I don't mean go out like date, just go out like hit up the mall with the girls from my class or something. Or even with my own brother. We've practically been on opposite sides of the world for five years, give or take. We're like strangers and I hate it. I've always hated it. So he comes back home and all I can do is stare at my knees. Why can't I look level at him, and talk to him just like I can to anybody? Shouldn't he be easier to talk to? I mean, we're like, 50% the same person, aren't we? So why can't we act like it? I lean back against the wall, half-making to slide down it, but then I think that'd be a horrible idea. What if sensei came out and here's me on the floor? I'd probably have to stand out here for another ten minutes. Go figure. I wonder what they're doing in there? It's English now, I know that much. But, I wonder. Is Nagisa-kun pestering Rei-kun, trying to get him to help him or speak to him or do whatever? Is Rei-kun focusing in like some laser, ignoring the random hot guy battering him? What words are they learning? Maybe a new tense? I kinda gave up after the future. English makes no sense.
My life doesn't make much sense either.
I've really never understood what most people find so difficult about English. Well, speaking it's hard, because it has quite a collection of sounds that just don't exist in Japanese, so our mouths and vocal cords aren't used to producing them. But reading it and writing it are just an exercise in application of theory. There are a series of tenses, used for a series of purposes. And, at least English doesn't have inbuilt levels of propriety or formality in speech patterns. I can imagine an English speaker moving to Japan would make many a faux pas until they got the grasp of when to use which register. Learning English, we just have to learn words and tenses and we're done. No double-checking to make sure you didn't just call the emperor kisama. That would be awkward. Although, the tenses do become a little confusing at times. Really, why is there a need for three different kinds of past tense? If it happened in the past, that's all there is to it. And compound tenses are annoying, because you have to remember how to conjugate the auxiliary verb first, and then make sure your participle is right. And English doesn't have many rules for participles. I tried to make some sort of theory for it, but there wasn't really any logic.
I hate it when that happens. Anything that can't be expressed in theory and deconstructed logically is not beautiful at all. Well, so I thought, anyway. But there are some things that just aren't meant to be theorised, I suppose. Like Haruka-senpai's swimming. Like why I can only swim butterfly. Like why, even in the middle of class, when I know she's standing outside, I still look over at Gou-san's seat and expect her to be there. Well, not expect. More like want. I just want her to be there so I can look at her. That sounds creepy, doesn't it? It's not really like that. Well, maybe a little. It's not like I want to look at her, I just don't want to look away. It's weird. And, it helps that, looking at her, I can see Nagisa-kun out the corner of my eye. I think I get the best view of him from this side. Gou-san looks over this way a lot, but I can never tell if she's looking at me or Nagisa-kun. I suspect the latter. I suppose she'd be envious of my view, then. Should I offer to swap seats? No, that's a bad idea. There's only a finite number of ways it could go wrong. But there are some very large finite numbers. How would I even explain that to her? "I can see you like Nagisa-kun, but I get the better view so since I like you, I'm being nice and saying we should swap places." That made even less sense than I thought it would. Besides, I quite like having this view. I get to look at both of them at once, size them up next to one another. Maybe it'll make my choice easier. It hasn't so far, but probability theory dictates I just haven't left it long enough. I don't really know if probability theory applies to this, though.
"Ryuugazaki-kun!" The teacher suddenly calls my name, and I stand up as much out of habit as anything else. I've been staring at the wall too long. I don't know where we're up to. "Read."
"Okay, sir." I gulp subtly as I pick up my textbook, not knowing if I'm on the right page or not.
"Rei-chan, it's page 60." Nagisa gives me a smile and a wink, and I blush a little and bury my nose into my book, finding page 60 as I do.
"Hazuki-kun, if you're going to help him, at least get it right. Page 72, Ryuugazaki-kun." I gulp again and make it to page 72, starting my reading in a not-inordinately long time. Nagisa-kun clasps his hand over his head in a mock beg-forgiveness sort of pose, and I pretend to be too busy reading to notice. "Good job. But pay attention next time."
"Thank you sir, and sorry. I will." I sit back and realise I'm breathing heavily. That was nerve-racking. I don't understand why people don't pay attention in class when things like that happen. Just my luck, the one time I was off guard, I got called. Now I look a fool. Not beautiful at all.
"Ah, Matsuoka-san. That's long enough. Come in now." The door slides open and Gou-san walks in, nonchalantly making her way to and subsequently sitting in her seat, settling neatly into my eyeline.
"Morning, Gou-chan." I smile at her with a delayed greeting, but it's the first time we've seen each other today, so it's cool.
"Morning." She can be so short.
"We were studying a new tense. Pluperfect. Think you can handle revising it on your own?' I wink at her, 100% sure she's going to say no.
"What do you think I am, stupid?" Well, that was non-sequitur. "Besides, Onii-chan lived in Australia for four years. I don't think I'm going to need help with English." The woman has a point. I hadn't considered that.
"You should be acing it then, Gou-chan! Wait for a perfect 100 on your next test!" I laugh at her, just a little. No way would she get a perfect score.
"Well, maybe. I just don't get English."
"I feel you on that one." There's something else I'm not getting in this classroom, not just the godforsaken pluperfect tense. I don't get what's going on with Rei-chan. I don't get why he spaced out before. I don't get why he fell for it when I told him the wrong page. I don't get why he translated a couple of the words wrong before he corrected himself – he never makes vocab mistakes. But most of all, I don't get why he's looking at Gou-chan instead of me.
-Chapter 9 - Four to a Relay, Five to a Team-
Well, yesterday was fun and all, but I'm looking forward to fanging into some actual training. I throw my pen back and forth in my left hand, balancing my head on my right, and wait for Sensei's dry voice to close up under the trill of the bell. I don't even know what he's talking about anymore. Maybe acid rain or something. I don't even know what subject this is meant to be. Shows how hard I've been listening. I rip my eyes off the window, and look at the blackboard instead of the pool for a second, long enough to read Le Châtelier's Principle off it. So this is chemistry, and we're talking about equilibrium. Got it. "Matsuoka." The teacher's sandy voice addresses me and I stand up slowly, making sure everyone understands how much of an effort I'm making just to pretend I care.
"Yeah?"
"Explain what happens, and why, when you add acid to soda water."
I sigh. Is that meant to be a question? "When you add acid to soda water, you increase the concentration of hydronium ions, causing the equilibrium between the bicarbonate and carbonate ions to shift backwards to try and counteract the change, and also likewise affecting the equilibrium between carbonic acid and bicarbonate. The increase in the concentration of bicarbonate ions also causes the carbonic acid-bicarbonate system to drive the reverse reaction, increasing the concentration of carbonic acid, which in turn causes the dissolved carbon dioxide-carbonic acid system to drive backward, increasing the concentration of aqueous carbon dioxide and finally, this causes the gaseous-aqueous carbon dioxide system to reverse, to reduce the concentration of dissolved gas, causing gas to come out of solution, decarbonating the water and re-establishing equilibrium, all as an application of Le Châtelier's Principle." I sit back down, not waiting for a response from Sensei. I know my answer was perfect.
I hear some whispers from around me. "He wasn't even paying attention… How did he pull out an answer like that? ... That's a private school student for you… Amazing, isn't he?" I sigh again. They're acting like that was hard. I look to the back, and Haru and Makoto seem somewhat taken aback. Letting my eyes wander upwards, the clock's second hand beats out the last moments of class while Sensei stands there stammering, like somebody had just clocked him. I guess my answer did. Was it really all that? The bell finally rings and a few brief formalities later, I walk to the back of the room.
"Where on earth did you learn all that, Rin?" Makoto seems legitimately curious.
"A little place called Samezuka Academy. You broke into the pool there once, remember?" I have to laugh a little. "Where else?"
"Yeah, but that was, like, Rei levels of theory right there. And you spat it out like it was nothing. You're helping me study for finals. I'm sorry, but you don't get a choice." He smiles good-naturedly, and turns towards Haru.
"Why are we still here when we could be at the pool?"
Well, we're at the pool now. Finally. Rin's answer was flashy, and fairly impressive, but what do you expect from a private school student? Why exactly did it take us five minutes to discuss it in full? It doesn't matter now, anyway, we're at the pool. So, let's move on and get to swimming. I don't have to bother changing – I was wearing my swimsuit, like always. So off with the clothes, and I'm in the pool again. It feels nice to be in water, but not as nice as normal.
It's Rin again. Whenever I feel this way, it's always about him. And even after six years, I still don't really know why. I see Makoto try and wave me down. He's probably got a formal training schedule for us. I stop and push my head out of the water so I can hear straight.
"We have got an official program, Haru, but first there's something we need to discuss with everybody, so sight tight a minute, 'kay?" He gives one of his cute little smile-things, but something's different about it. His eyes are open, and looking straight at me. Not at my face, at my stomach. And the muscles at the edges are twitching, slightly, but noticeably. Is he checking me out? No way. We've spent half our lives half-naked in front of each other. If he'd wanted to check me out, he would've by now. But somehow, I don't mind.
The other three run across from the change rooms, and Rei's the first to talk. "So, what's our regime, captain?"
"Rei, I told you to stop calling me that."
"Sorry, Makoto-senpai."
"It's fine, it's fine. But there's one thing we need to discuss first. We've got the same problem we had at regionals last year – there's five of us, and four relay positions. So, who swims? For my part, I would say the fastest-"
"Rei swims, no matter what." Rin doesn't even let Makoto finish his sentence before he gets his two bobs worth in the conversation.
"Now, it's not as simple as all that."
"No, it really is." Rei tightens up, and seems to be searching for some kind of argument against it. "Even if I means I don't, that's a debt I have to pay."
"Rin-sa…senpai, it's not like that. You don't owe me anything."
"No, I do. I don't care what you say. My pride as a swimmer and as a man won't be satisfied until you take my place like I took yours."
"You didn't take it, I gave it to you!"
"That's even worse!" Rin looks away the way he does when he gets angry, and I just look at him. I look at him and appreciate the size of his muscles, and I wonder what it'd feel like to press myself flat against him. I wonder if the corners of my eyes are twitching like Makoto's were. And I wonder why I didn't realise sooner what this conversation really meant.
I don't get to swim a relay with Rin. He and Rei are still bickering about whether it's an insult or a complement to give Rin the place, but I don't need to hear. Rin'll win. He always wins. Because, even if we give him the place, he'll do something stupid – he'll quit the club, he'll hurt himself, whatever. But he won't just swim. He won't swim with me, and if he's not with me I don't know what it's for. So I turn around and take off, doing my own private regime, the regime to ignore my problems. I try to ask the water for answer, but it doesn't respond.
Well, we've lost Haru. I would say it's because he's tired of watching this two carry on like kindergarteners, but I'm not so convinced that's the case myself. I'm dead sure he was looking at Rin before, but not the way he normally does. It was more like the way I look at Haru – trying to be subtle, but examining every inch of his body over and over until you know it better than you know your own. So, does that mean he feels the same way about Rin as I do him? I cross my heart and find myself praying not.
Tearing my eyes off Haru, I look back at the argument that's broken out in between our two butterfly swimmers. Nagisa's trying desperately to break it, but it doesn't seem to be working so well. I take a step in, pulling up my full height. "It doesn't matter so much now. We can talk about it later. I just thought we needed to get in up in the air early."
It seems like it was Rei's turn to lash out, because he bites his tongue and manages to restrain himself from continuing. "So, then… what's our regime, Makoto-senpai?" I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from sighing in relief. At least one of them is old enough to know when to stop. Seriously, fights between us are worse than between Ren and Ran. It's crazy. Aren't older people supposed to fight less?
"Well, Gou has the sheet with it on it, but it's not that different to any of the others we've used. We're all attacking our weaknesses, like normal. Then, we'll do 100 metres each with the kickboard and the buoy, to work the arms and legs independently." Speaking of Gou, where is she?
"Oh, that reminds me. Gou-chan said she felt a little sick, so she was going on home." Rin seems to perk up a little. Not like enjoyment-perk up, like attentiveness-perk up.
"Oh, well. Let's all hope she gets better soon. Now, we're all sorted. So, into the pool, all." I clap my hands like that's going to make them get in faster. I turn my head to Rin. "I'm not sure you've got any real weaknesses, but if you do, you know what they are. So go for it!" I smile again, take a few running steps and dive in, taking the lane between Haru and Nagisa. Rei and Rin are yet to get in.
Rei's stretching against the fence. I never really got why he did that, but it keeps him loose and he seems to enjoy it. So, each to their own? I crunch up against the wall and launch myself backwards into the water, trying to even my stroke. And about halfway down the pool, I cross Haru, swimming the other way. And I stop paying attention to my stroke for a split second, instead giving it to Haru's. The way he just slips through the water like it wasn't even there. The way he pushes it out of the way, making a hole for himself and forcing his whole body into it. The way his spine curves, giving me a straight view up his left leg to his shoulder. And all the little details filling up that space, all the ones I know and want to know better. The shape his body makes, and the shape I would have to make with mine for the two of us to fit together like two lost pieces of a puzzle. But, at the minute, we don't fit together at all. So he just glides on past me like I'm not even here and I pull my brain back to evening my stroke.
But Rin comes up beside Rei, fresh off finishing his stretch, and aggressively grabs the fence, his arm pushing up against Rei's neck. He says something softly, so I can't make it out, then he walks away and takes the lane on the other side of Haru.
-Chapter 10 - Busy Nights-
"No matter what you say, you will swim in the relay." He said it so aggressively, I didn't know how to respond, and even now I'm agonising over how I would when I should be doing homework. So instead I just stood there, gulping at the air like a fish, until his arm pulled out from under my chin and we both walked over to the pool. Chance had it we were in neighbouring lanes. And whenever I swam past him, I made an appoint to look the other way, so we never locked eyes. But I still felt his eyes crawling over me, examining my stroke, my kick, my form. I'd taken his place on the butterfly leg, so I suppose he would be naturally territorial over it. I wonder what he thought? I know, in theory, my technique is perfect. My knowledge of the theory is beyond reproach, but I'm still learning how to apply it right. Well, that's normal, isn't it? I've only been swimming for about a year. Rin-san (-senpai. One of these days, I will get that right) has been swimming for at least twelve years to be as good as he is, so naturally, he's got tips and pointers for me. I feel like I should be asking him for them, but I don't know what approach I should use.
I could ask him directly, but that would seem rude. Well, maybe I can con him into thinking that's a good way to repay his self-charged debt to me. "My pride as a swimmer and as a man won't be satisfied until you take my place like I took yours." Quite eloquent. But he doesn't get my side of the story. My pride as a swimmer and as a man won't be satisfied if I let him surrender his place to me without my earning it. And, no matter how much I improve, there's really no question – Rin-senpai (finally, got it right) will be faster than me, no matter how much I practice. He could probably out-swim me with one hand tied behind his back. So why is he so adamant I swim? I can't determine the answer – I don't know the right theories to use here.
Actually, I doubt they exist at all. Something like this isn't bound by theories, I don't think. Something as complex and multifaceted as human behaviour can't be rationalised into a sequence of rules. So, I try to think the way he thinks. I don't really know him that well, so I come up drastically short. Is this debt-to-pay mentality standard Rin-senpai procedure? Or I am an exception? Based on what I know of him, the latter seems more likely. If so, why? I saw how happy he was when the relay finished, and they won. So why is he relinquishing that happiness to me? Why is he valuing my feelings above his own? I remember one time, I was young, and I asked my mother what this "love" thing she was always on about was, and she said something like that. Loving someone is liking them so much you'll do anything to make them happy, no matter what it does to you. I don't think that's a satisfactory definition of love now that I'm that older, but it sounds a lot like the way Rin-senpai's acting towards me right now. So, does that mean what I think it means? I sigh. Great. My decision was hard enough as it stood. Now I've got a third choice.
Well, that was a fight I didn't need. I'm going out for dinner with my family, and I was going to be distracted anyway. Now it's even worse! Rin-chan vs. Rei-chan – the battle for the relay position! It sounds like the title of an anime episode, doesn't it? But, it's one of those clever, misleading ones, that makes you think one thing and then gives you another one altogether. Rei-chan wants Rin-chan on and Rin-chan wants Rei-chan on and everyone else just wishes five-person relays were a thing. I guess, Rin-chan thinks he can swim the individual medley – he's the only one of us with the proficiency in all four strokes to pull that off. But, it's not the same. The relay – there's something about the fact that four people pull together to get the job done that makes it different to doing that by yourself. Mako-chan said that we should just post the fastest four – but who does that put in? Haru-chan takes the freestyle leg, duh. That's not even a question. But still, Rin-chan could take my spot on breast, or Mako-chan's on back. I don't know if he's faster than us on those, but that way Rin-chan and Rei-chan are both in relay. And that sounds like a solution at the minute, and not one either of them seem to have noticed.
They're so alike. They don't see it, but they are so alike. Rin-chan's abrasive and violent compared to Rei-chan's sort of calm, logical manner. But that aside, they're both stubborn as mules. And they're both really smart – Rin-chan pretends to not be, but he is. And if you put them next to each other, save the hair and eyes, they even look alike. They're built the same. And, I was impressed to notice, Rei-chan's just as muscular and Rin-chan is. Like, I knew he was big, but not that big. I take a moment, and catch myself wondering how big Rei-chan is in a few other places. The image is fun, but it lacks detail. I'll have to see the real thing for myself to know for sure. Even though the change rooms aren't exactly private, you figure out ways of maintaining modesty when you change out of swimsuits, so I've never seen him properly. There was that time, on training camp, when we all bathed in the one room, but it was steamy, and everyone was wearing towels until they got in the water anyway, so I couldn't get a good view. I could always offer to help him shave. That's a good excuse – it'll sound like it's for the team, but really, it'd be for me. It'd help the team, too. Maybe. But it'd mostly be for me.
I can't help but wonder if Mako-chan and Haru-chan have seen each other. Maybe they help each other shave from time to time. They have no hair anywhere else, so they'd be cool with shaving there, sure. Haru-chan probably wanted to feel the water better, or something. And Mako-chan probably would have followed suit, for the experience if nothing else. He's open-minded that way. I supress a sigh.
I wish Rei-chan and I were close like those two.
I said I was sick. But it wasn't strictly true. I just wasn't in the mood to watch four hot guys be best friends with my brother while I just sat there being alone. When I could have been friends with them, when I could have been sisterly with my own goddamn brother, when I could have planning a date with Nagisa-kun. Well, no. No way would that last one ever happen. But still. I suppose I was sick. Sick of being alone, sick of being the only one on the outer, sick of being me. Ever since I took the seat next to Nagisa-kun, the girls don't talk to me anymore. I guess I spend most of my time with him and Rei-kun, so it's my fault as much as anyone's. But, if we go anywhere together, normally those five are in the pool while I'm on the side cheering. Or they're shopping for something, it's always a guy something. Or swim gear. But anyway, it's not like I can go shopping for clothes or whatever like that with someone. Well, I've gotta think Nagisa-kun has good taste, and as much as it can be a pain in the neck, Rei-kun's constant beauty talk must means he has at least some appreciation of what'd look good. So maybe I should invite them out sometime. Why not? But I'd probably just end up caught in the middle of a little lover's quarrel. I turn over on my bed, so I face the window. I sit up and look out it, and I wonder why I never just do things.
And then there's a knock on my door. "Come in." I turn my face there, as much out of courtesy as out of interest. And then Onii-chan fills up the frame.
"Are you feeling any better, Gou?"
"Yeah, a little. Thanks."
"Just so you know, everyone wanted to come and wish you good health and whatnot, but they were all busy." My face breaks out in a smile. Small at first, but it doesn't stay that way long.
"Really?"
"Dead set. I had to practically fight Nagisa onto his train just so that he didn't ditch his family for dinner to come and see you. I managed to talk Rei into it, but he took plenty of convincing, make no mistake, even though he had serious homework to be doing."
My face breaks out in some huge smile, and I try to cover it so I don't look like such an idiot. Maybe I should ask them out to go shopping. "Well, that's sweet."
Onii-chan ruffles about in his bag, and pulls out a little box of chocolates. "And before I forget, we bought you these." He turns to the side so he's looking at me as little as possible, and stretching out his arm like he's holding a snake. "Are you going to take them, or not?"
I reach out and grab the box. "Thank you." I look at them a little closer. They're expensive. I just keep smiling and Onii-chan goes to leave. "Wait, Onii-chan!" He turns around, grabbing the doorframe to support his weight as he twists around to face me. "Want one?"
He laughs. "We bought them for you." He turns his head away, and it feels like the conversation's over. "But maybe just one." He turns back in and we open the box together, surveying the contents carefully before making our first selections.
"To Iwatobi Swim Club." I don't think it's exactly standard procedure to make a toast with chocolates, but since when does this family follow procedure?
"To friends." Friends that send home chocolate for you when you weren't really sick in the first place. "And to family." Onii-chan says it like it's empty, but I can tell it's not. I guess this means he wants to be closer, too. Maybe… just maybe, we can be.
"Cheers." We smile at each other, and each of our bite-size pieces disappear down our respective throats. They're good, as good as the price tag Onii-chan forgot to remove promised.
"Well, I'll see you at dinner." He turns to leave again, and I lunge out and grab at his shoulder, catching him just before he's out of reach.
"Actually… if you have the time…" I start feeling shy again. Asking for help has never been something I was good at.
"You need help with the pluperfect tense, right? Nagisa told me all about it. Let's go. Twenty minutes with me and you'll be going like a native."
I realise my smile hasn't faded this entire time, and my eyes all but cry out of the sheer joy of the situation. "Let's go."
-Chapter 11 - A Hot Date?-
That weekend…
I wake up on Saturday morning, and decide to take a shower instead of a bath. I'm meeting the rest of the club to go swimsuit shopping. Again, sure. And I already have a lot. But you can never have too many. And they wear out fast. Chlorine works hell on lycra. Everyone keeps saying I should try polyester or nylon ones instead, but they don't feel the same. Nylon's heavy, and it feels like it tries to keep the water away from me. I don't like that. And polyester is kind of abrasive. I can't relax in it, and it's not tight enough for me. And even it was, it's not a good place to be wearing abrasive clothing. But I shower, because I'm more likely to get out in time than if I take a bath, and I take my pick of which swimsuit to wear. I feel like there could be water around today, so I like to be prepared. Even though we're shopping for swim gear. I guess that's a bit weird, but that's how I work, and I'm not changing just for the hell of a change.
So I've put together my outfit. And it felt different than normal. Normally, I just pull out whatever's on the top of my cupboard, take one look over it to just make sure I won't look like a total fool, and then put it on. But today, I considered carefully what I should be wearing. All my clothes are blue, black or white, so colour wasn't the issue. But should I wear a jumper, even though it's summer and it's hot enough as it stands? Should I wear a singlet, and then an open-buttoned shirt over the top? Or maybe just a straightforward T-shirt-pants getup? But my point is, today I actually thought about it. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because Rin's around.
I shake my head to clear thoughts like that. Today's just a get-together between friends, no more, no less. I walk out the door, and see Makoto waiting already at the foot of the stairs. "Why do always wait for me? We're going to the same place." I sound annoyed, but I'm happy to see him there.
He hums for a little bit. "You've got a point. But it's more fun going there with both of us, don't you think?"
I smile slightly, trying not to betray my agreement. "I guess so."
And so we walk on, towards the train station, not to catch a train to the store but first to meet the other four. They all live further away, so they'd all have to catch the train anyway, so instead of leaving someone stranded alone at the centre for however-long, we decided to meet at the station first and catch the train together. It really is more fun together. But, right now, Makoto's quieter than usual.
"Makoto? You're being quiet. Are you feeling okay?" I automatically assume something's wrong. But it's not really an assumption. I just know.
"Hmm? Am I?" He's being even more absent than usual. I thought blondes were supposed to be airheads. Nagisa certainly is. "Well, it's nothing. Just… doing some thinking, is all."
"You sure?" He smiles in response, and it looks like he said something, but a train roars past, having just stopped at the station I hadn't realised we'd gotten to, and it steals his words away. And in exchange, it left behind a single passenger. Wearing a black button-up shirt, the first three undone, collar hanging around like a mess is Rin.
"Yo, Rin!" Makoto calls out to him, and he jogs up to the platform. "Where's everyone else?"
"Apparently, they had a few other plans. Gou needs a few new outfits or something, and Nagisa was fangirling over some new release from an idol singer." He half-scoffs, half-smiles at the frivolity of it. "So they've hung us out to dry and gone to do their own thing."
I sit down casually next to Rin and I have to make a concerted effort to stay stoic. I can't show off what I'm thinking right now. Makoto might still be around, but aside from that, this could practically be a date with Rin. Why does that thought get me so excited? Why don't I care that Makoto's there too?
"Haru? You in there?" It sounds like Rin's talking to me, but if I answer, I might let my secret spill, so I just pretend not to hear. "Oh, God. He's having one of those moments." I guess he knows it's just an act. "Makoto, read his mind for me, will you?"
Makoto takes the spot on the other side of me, and I let my mind run away with me for a moment. Here's me, wrapped in on both sides by the two best choices for a partner in human history, and I can't pick. Is that luck or unlucky? Option number 1 stares at me, trying to figure out what's going on in my head, while Option 2 stares at him, waiting for answer. Eventually, Makoto sits back, looking kind of tired. Actually, more like… resigned.
"Don't know."
As if Makoto couldn't tell what Haru was thinking. Those two practically share a brain. So either they're having a fight, or Makoto didn't want to say. Well, either way, it's none of my business, so I'll just stay out of it. The train whistles its stop, and we get off, just as we planned. Here by 10:15. We have plenty of time to look in plenty of different stores. Although, search me if I know what exactly we're looking for. My suit's polyester, so it holds up really well. I think Makoto's is as well, and even though Haru only wears lycra, he has a million already, and they're all exactly the same.
Whatever. It's a good excuse to spend time with friends. And Gou's proof to me that we need to do that. Like hell she was sick on Tuesday. She just didn't want to see us being all friendly and leaving her behind. So she can go ahead and go out with Rei and Nagisa – they're good kids, and I know they won't make moves on her (although I wouldn't mind if Rei made moves on me). I'm her older brother, so it's my duty to protect her from boyfriends (taking them on myself is a valid tactic). She's getting to be the right age, but she's a little bit young yet. Unless it's the right person. They'll need my approval first, make no mistake.
But anyway, here we are, shopping for swim gear. I don't really need anything new, but I like to have a couple of extra pairs of goggles behind me in case things go wrong – my habit of snapping them at the back of my head isn't good for the cord, so they break pretty fast. I've only got the pair I'm using at the moment, so I head straight over to my section, waving off Haru and Makoto as I do. "I need new goggles. Go over and check out the suits, I'll be over soon."
I know the ones I like. And it takes me no time at all to find them. I check the price, and they're on sale. So I grab, one, two, three pairs, just to play it safe. 6000 yen. Maybe a bit steep for one sale, but now that I'm away from boarding school, our family has a bit more money to swing around. I meet the other two at the change rooms, and sure enough, Haru's picked out another identical swimsuit – just shy of knee length, black lycra, some violet lines going around places. This one's pattern is a little bit awkward. It sorts of tapers up the inside of each leg, across the bridge of the suit and up around the inside of the hip joints, highlighting all the little details in the region.
"Really, Haru? It's exactly the same."
He shies away, trying to find an excuse. "It fits differently."
"I agree," Makoto chirps. Wait, what? "This one's a little tighter around your hips than most of your others, and seems to loosen up a fair bit as you go down. Am I right?"
Haru's as taken aback as I am. "Yeah. You can tell?"
"Well, maybe a little." Makoto laughs, smiles and reaches one arm behind his head. And blushes, hard.
Makoto can tell? What? I strain my eyes, searching for the stupid little details that make this stupid swimsuit special. And I come up blank. It looks exactly the same. I look back and forward between them, trying to figure out how exactly that conversation came to pass. And I see Makoto blushing furiously, turning away to try and hide it. Good luck - you're practically glowing, mate. And I see Haru blushing, not furiously, but cutely. Like he's embarrassed that his swimsuit-tightness theory was cracked. I guess these two are closer than I thought. But, if it's like that, why can't they look at each other?
"Oh, well. Makoto, are you buying anything? Because if we're done here, we can probably go and catch a movie." I walk over to the counter, beckoning them to follow me. And they do, and we each walk out with our new purchases. Makoto got a new swimsuit, too, but it looks like it's just a clone of his current one.
We walk over to the cinema, and look at the airing schedule. There aren't many movies on, but most of them start in the next half-hour. "Well, it's decision time, even if the field's a little narrow. What are watching?"
"How about The Rebellion Story? The last one in the series of movies for Madoka Magica? I've heard it's really good."
"Ehh? You're into mahou shoujou, Makoto?"
"Not really. Ran wanted me to watch the original show with her, but it got too scary for her. She was only six or so at the time. But I liked it a fair bit, and I hear good things about this movie."
"No. There's not enough water in it."
"Come on, Haru. None of these movies are about water. You watched The Rat's Life with Nagisa a few months back, didn't you? It had nothing to do with water!"
"Nagisa wanted to. I was just tagging along."
I have to supress a laugh at the way these two bicker. It is exactly like an old married couple. "Well, if not that, then what, Haru? Which movie would you have us watch?"
He just grunts in response. "Fine then. Let's get tickets, and then we can go the supermarket to get food. It's cheaper than buying from the theatre."
Makoto and I exchange a look and then just laugh. "Let's go, then."
There's not really any line, so we just walk right up to the booth and ask for three tickets to the 11:30 showing of The Rebellion Story. The seller looks a little taken aback – three guys like us surely aren't the target audience for a movie like that? I get the feeling she makes more than a few judgements, and the feeling that not all of them are strictly wrong. It's still 11:10, so we jog quickly to a supermarket/convenience store hybrid-thing that's not too far away. Haru was right – for the price of a tiny can – as in, about 5 minutes worth of moisture – at the cinema, you can actually buy a drink large enough to last the entire length of the movie. To say nothing of snacks. Not only are they cheaper, but there's a better choice here.
We each choose drinks first – Haru just gets a bottle of water, and Makoto nags him a little (just a little, I swear) about choosing such a boring drink, picking out an orange-flavoured soft drink for himself. I run the selection once-over with my eyes, and I struggle a little to make up my mind. In the end, I can't decide, so I go and pick out three smaller bottles – one with water, one with the same drink as Makoto, and a third with some generic-brand cola.
We walk over to look through the choices we have for food – this could take a little while.
"There's no mackerel here."
Makoto just sighs and drops his head into his palm. "You're not supposed to take mackerel into movies, Haru."
"Really? I normally do."
I tune out their conversation briefly, trying to decide between the sweet and savoury choices. Sweets won't last as long, but they taste better. Anything savoury sort of isn't appropriate for a movie, though. It's a tough decision. So I remain undecided, and again pick one of each, but in smaller proportions. A bag of chocolates – just random little lumps with random fillings on the inside (the promise of a surprise each time makes it somewhat more interesting), and a bag of potato chips. Ham flavoured. Now that I say like that in my head, it sounds weird. Potatoes taste good by themselves, so it's odd that we go to so much trouble cutting them up and whatever just to make them taste like something different. But whatever. Haru couldn't find any mackerel, so instead he has two tins of pineapple. Makoto got the same bag of chocolates I did, but larger.
"We ready? By the time we get back there, the movie should be starting."
"I've got everything I want." Makoto makes his way over to the counter to pay.
"I wanted mackerel, but this'll do." Haru noncommittally follows him, and I tag onto the back of the line.
"This had better be a good movie, Makoto," I observe, somewhat loudly. "Did you see the way the ticket woman looked at us?"
"No. What about it?"
"We're watching a movie targeted at six-year-old girls. We're eighteen. Oh, well, I am. You two are still seventeen, right?"
Haru nods. "Not for much longer though. My birthday's at the end of the month."
"That's not the point, anyway. We're seventeen-eighteen year old guys. And even though they say this movie is a bit mature for kids, we're still guys. We look like we're on some three-way date or something."
They both swallow. Again. And I nearly laugh. Surely, at least once before, they've been mistaken for being on a date.
Haru's in the middle of us – I'm on his left and Rin his right, the movie's started and it's weird. Weird as. There's only, like, ten characters who have faces, and if I remember right, the yellow's one pet… thing was the witch that killed her in the TV show. This movie's not turning out to be what it was cracked up to be, so far. But I'll admit, this fight scene is pretty cool. There's stuff blowing up left and right, and then un-blowing-up. I don't really get how it worked, but the sequence was cool. It looks like they're fighting a set of disembodied hands – they call it a Nightmare. And they manage to force it into a little jar. And then they start singing some freaky song about a cake. It doesn't sound like it's meant to be creepy, but it is. I shiver a little, and eat a handful of my bite-size chocolate-bomb-things in search of comfort. Instinctively, my arms tense up a little, and I accidentally end up grabbing Haru's hand. I catch sight of myself, and relax, gesturing my apology to Haru. Or trying to. He's grabbed my hand back, and he's not letting it go. Why? No way is he scared. Oh, well. Do I really care? Here's me holding hands with my dream and all I can do is ask why. I smile, turn my eyes back to the screen, and keep watching.
And it strikes me how much the five girls on the screen are like us. I am the raspberry, the round cake is red. Sayaka, the blue one. She's like Nagisa, in a lot of ways. She's a ditz on the surface (as in, raspberries are red, so she could still be the cake), but when it comes down to it, she's there for you.
I'm the apple, Bebe likes the round cake. Kyouko, the red one. She's a lot like Rin. She cares a lot for the world around her, but doesn't really know how to show it. She's getting better, though, just like he is.
I'm the cheese. The round cake rolls. Mami, the yellow one. That's her name. She reminds me of Rei. She uses those ribbons in out-there ways no-one would think of, and she seems really smart. Just like Rei and his theories and his beauty.
I'm the pumpkin. The round cake is sweet. Homura Akemi, the time traveller. Her name I didn't forget. Not so much the pumpkin comment, but she reminds me a lot of Haru, sometimes. She can be so emotionless, but she still harbours so many feelings. Maybe she should have been the mackerel.
I'm the melon. If the melon breaks, there will be a sweet dream. Madoka, the lead character. Well, not so much anymore. I felt like she and I had a lot in common. She seems to scare easily, but she only wants people to be happy. I like to think I'm like that, anyway. I want my own happiness first, though. Maybe I'm just selfish.
Tonight's dream is bitter. On top of the plate is the cat's dream. I wonder, if I broke, would a sweet dream be inside? At least the relay problem would be solved.
It's fat and round, so let's eat! Suddenly, a gigantic black demon worm with teeth like knives spurts out of the cute little pink thing they're calling Bebe, and the Nightmare erupts into a cake, covered in raspberries and apples and pumpkins and cheese and melons, and one eats the other. I scream, louder than I realise, and my hand, intertwined with Haru's, squeezes tight shut.
"Makoto… you're hurting my hand." He says it quietly. Quietly enough that I'm not sure if Rin heard or not.
"Sorry, Haru." I release my grip a little. "I need to go to the bathroom. But if I go alone, I feel like one of those worm things is going to jump out of the wall at me. Could you tag along?" I smile, imploringly.
"Sure. There's no water in this movie anyway." He turns to Rin, and whispers that we're off the bathroom quickly.
"Be fast about it. I'll die if someone sees me here watching a mahou shoujou movie by myself."
So we hurriedly pack ourselves up, and Haru takes a piece of pineapple out of the can he's opened and eats it on the way. We go in, and he decides that while he's here he may as well clear out the pipes just so he doesn't have to at a high point in the movie. There might be a puddle in the next scene. I laugh to myself. That weird quirkiness is one my favourite things about him. I finish up first, and stand by the door, waiting for him. He comes out, and washes his hands. I walk over to stand behind him.
"Thanks, Haru. I know it's stupid that it gets to me so much, but I can't help it."
"It doesn't matter. Let's go back. Rin's waiting."
"Right." I close my eyes for the first couple of steps towards the door. Bad move. There's a puddle I didn't notice on the floor, and I slip over in it, taking Haru with me, pinning him to floor. And we wind up folded through each other in the oddest position I could have asked for. The oddest, and the sexiest.
And I wish that I was Homura instead of Madoka. I wish I was Homura so I could stop time and just leave this moment hanging in the air forever. Our faces closer than ever, my arms spread outside his shoulders, our legs locked together, like a mackerel and a melon. And I wonder, if Homura was here, twisted into Madoka like this, what would she do? I think she'd do the same thing I'm about to.
Haru opens his mouth, probably to ask me to get off him, but I have no intention of doing that just yet. I bend my arms, and our faces get even closer, so close that I can smell the pineapple on his breath. And before he can make a sound, I force his mouth closed with mine, and lock it there, freezing this moment in time until we're ready for it to go.
-Chapter 12 - A Shopping Trip-
"Sorry for making you guys come with me! You probably wanted to go with Onii-chan and the others, didn't you?"
"Not really. I don't need any new swim gear. And I've never gone shopping for girl's outfits before! Somehow, my sisters don't trust my taste." Nagisa-kun and Rei-kun came with me instead of going with the other three. I felt rude busting up the party, but I'm glad I did. This way I feel like I took first step, because I did. And for once, it's not about swimming. It's about being friends, and nothing more. This is the kind of relationship I want with them. Not 'club manager.' That's bullcrap. 'Friend.'
"Why exactly did you invite me, Gou-san?"
"Because, with you and your beauty, you should understand how to make good outfit. Right?"
"I suppose you're right. But…" Rei-kun does one of those hesitate-mid-sentence things. He's about to say something weird, I'm sure. "I haven't memorised the theories for outfit creation! I don't know what the latest fashions are! I don't know what designers are in style right now! I don't…" I clap my hand on his shoulder, and he clams up.
"Rei-kun, I don't care about that. I invited because I wanted your opinion, not something I could have read in Vogue. Is that all right?" I smile at him. He's a dork, but that's what I like about him.
And he blushes. He blushes, and he kind of contorts like he's trying to get my hand off his shoulder. And it shows off his muscles. And under my hand, I feel them twisting and convulsing and it feels fun. And I then kind of blush, too, and it looks like we just had a romantic moment. Which we totally didn't, but anyone walking past would have thought so. Until Nagisa-kun.
"Ah, Gou-chan! You're not allowed to ignore me!" And he pulls my hand off Rei-kun's shoulder and the atmosphere feels a little more comfortable.
"Well, thanks for coming, you two. It means a lot." And I smile at them, a different kind of smile to my normal one. This is my 'I was on my way to hell and you stopped me' smile. "This is the place."
The store is really pink, but it sells things that are much more mature than it looks. Its name betrays something of its truer nature: Nadeshiko and Sakura. A bit weird, but refined. Just the way I like it.
"Ehh, really, Gou-chan? It didn't pick you for being such a lady!"
"What's that supposed to mean!" I dress fashionably, but maturely. I'm not into short shorts and underwear that masquerades as a skirt. "Never mind. Hurry up, or I'll leave you behind." I walk in, feigning irritation, but I can't stop myself from smiling.
The three of us comb the racks looking for anything that I might actually wear. Yellow, red, and black are the colours that look best on me, so I keep my eyes open for those. But Nagisa-kun seems to have his own thoughts. "Gou-chan! Try this on!" He stumbles around a corner, holding a scallop-tiered shirt, alternating between navy and ice blues on each frill, and a pair of jean shorts. Not too short, but short enough to look comfortable.
"Really, Nagisa-kun?" Rei-kun chirps up from behind me before I have a chance to voice my opinion. "Theoretically, blue would clash with Gou-san's figure and colouring. I think this would be much better." He holds up a maxi-dress, in a scarlet red, with a flower pattern made in violet-come-black sequins over the left hip, shoulder straps, no sleeves. Well, it's not really a true maxi. It's about three-quarter length. And I'm torn between the two.
"Ehh, Rei-chan, you think so? I think she'd look really cute and athletic in this!"
"But that doesn't really suit her! This refined, classical-lady image is much more appropriate for a woman on the verge of adulthood!"
"But for a modern-day girl like Gou-chan, sporty is best!"
"Even then, you'll clash with her eyes and hair with an outfit like that. You're not considering this, Nagisa-kun!"
"DON'T TALK ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE!" Ahh, I must be the luckiest girl in the world right now. The two hottest guys in the class are fighting about what would look better on me. I have so much power. "I haven't even tried them on yet. The fitting rooms are over here." I make my way over, making sure my hair flicks a little as I turn. "And don't fight over a lady in public. It's poor form." I'm not sure if I'm flirting. And I'm not sure if it's with both of them, or just Nagisa-kun. But either way, Rei-kun gets hit the hardest by it.
I try Nagisa-kun's outfit first. "I like it. It's free to move in, and I kind of like the sharp contrast with my colouring. Good choice, Nagisa-kun!" I smile at him, and he nods proudly.
"You say it like you expected less from me!" He laughs a little, and then turns serious for a moment. "But, really. You two. Hold it with the –kun business. It's weird. Nobody calls me –kun. Or, well, no-one I like. I'm just Nagisa." He smiles again and I think. Does this count as a relationship upgrade when he said to Rei-kun too? But he's got a point. We're closer than we realise. He even picked my size. Not many guys out there can say that.
"Okay, then, just Nagisa. I appreciate your help. This is a strong addition to a maiden's wardrobe. You've done a favour to women this great day." I can't help but tease him. He just makes it so easy.
"Don't poke fun at someone who just invited you to stop using honorifics, Gou-chan!"
"Speak for yourself! Quit it with the –chan! I'm not a kid anymore! Like Rei says, I'm a refined, classical lady." I catch myself, realising I let Rei's name slip without honorifics. "It's alright if I call you Rei, isn't it? This honorific stuff gets to be a pain. Just call me Gou. Well, Kou ideally. But I can tell that's not going to happen, is it?" I smile again and snatch the dress Rei's holding, dashing back into the change room.
And in two minutes flat I'm back out again. "UWAA! GOU-CHAN!" Nagisa's staring at me the same way he did when I came out in my swimsuit on Monday.
"Does it look weird?" I'd taken the ponytail out of my hair. It didn't suit the dress. I think this is the first time I've worn my hair down in front of either of them.
"N-n… Not at all!" He just keeps stammering uselessly, trying to find the right word.
"You look beautiful, Gou." Rei steps up to the plate for him. I turn around, and see my reflection in the mirror, and for the first time in a while, I agree. The dress is semi-fitted, so while it's not so tight to show off every detail on my body, it shows off the ones I want shown. The floral pattern is refreshing to look at, and it draws in the eyes really well. The dress is a darker colour, so it stands out against my pale skin. And it makes my eyes and hair look like they're made out of rubies instead of red dirt, like they normally do. I feel like a proper lady, or a princess or something.
"Well, it's not exactly street clothing, but I've been in need of a good formal dress." I turn back to them. "Great find, Rei. Thanks." Thanks for finding this dress. Thanks for saying I was beautiful. Thanks for being my friend.
"But, Gou-chan. Which are you going to buy? This place is expensive."
Rei gasps a little. Quickly grabbing the other outfit, he checks the prices, and I can practically see the gears turning in his head as he adds up the price. "Gou… buying all three of these will cost 19320 yen!"
I run a set of my own numbers. I haven't bought anything in a while, and after Onii-chan came back home, we're saving money off his school fees, so I got an allowance bump. I check my purse. I have roughly 10000 yen in cash, and I'm not sure how much my account is holding, but I feel like it should be over 12000. "I've got enough. I mightn't be able to get lunch, but that's a small sacrifice to get my hands on these." I'll have to save up again and take these two shoe shopping one day. I pick up all my purchases and walk over to the register. "You do split sales, right?"
Gou-chan didn't have quite enough money. She fell about 750 yen short. But really, what's that? Less than two of the bread rolls I buy at school pretty much every day, so I pitched it in. My outfit was more expensive, because it was two pieces, so it was only fair I pay it, not Rei-chan. I wouldn't have let him pay, anyway. Not after fighting over which one was better. But even now, I should still have plenty to buy that new album.
"Now, to the music store! Iwatobi Shopping Force, away!" I laugh loudly as I break into a clumsy half-run in the general direction of a map, so I can find out where exactly we're going. It comes into eyeshot. Two floors up, and then back towards the entry. I point emphatically in the direction we need to go, showing Gou-chan and Rei-chan, who've fallen behind, where the store is. And we head off, at a brisk but comfortable pace.
Standing in front of it now, I wonder how we didn't notice it before. It's a fashionable sort of store, with all black walls, and modern-looking, angular pillars framing the entrance, supporting a gigantic fluoro orange sign, Rhythm. And it's huge. And with a name and aesthetic like that, it's not selling anything but music.
"So what exactly was it you were looking for, Nagisa-ku… Nagisa?" I laugh a little.
"Thanks, Rei-chan. You remembered. You're bad at adapting to honorific changes, aren't you?" He tenses up, the way he does when he doesn't want to admit something.
"It's just force of habit! But, you're dodging the question. There was a specific album you wanted to buy, didn't you?"
"Yes! Nana-chan just released her tenth album!"
"Nana-chan? Who's that?"
"You don't know her, Gou-chan? Have you been living under a rock or something?"
Gou-chan pouts a little, and turns her head away. "Well, maybe if you actually used her name, I'd know!"
Rei-chan pushes up his glasses, and I can tell straight off the bat he's set to give us a fact file. "Mizuki Nana, born Kondo Nana, is a highly successful pop singer as well as voice actress. She debuted as a voice actress in the 1998 game Noël ~La Neige~, which led to her singing a character album, counting as her official debut as a singer, although she released a song under a pseudonym a year prior. She was signed to King Records in 2000, debuting with a single called Omoi. With this last release, she now has 10 studio albums, 29 singles, 2 compilation albums, 22 video albums and over 100 other appearances as a backing singer or singing for anime characters and the like. Since her fifth album, Hybrid Universe, in May of 2006, all of her releases have attained a ranking of 5 or higher on the Oricon music charts. Her 2007 single Phantom Minds and her 2009 album Ultimate Diamond are the first number ones in their respective categories to be recorded by a voice actress."
"Wow. Even I didn't know all of that, and I'm supposed to be the fan. Where do you put all this stuff, Rei-chan?"
"My brain is built for the memorisation of theories. And when you told me that Mizuki Nana was your favourite singer, I decided to look her up. One read of her biography on the internet, and I know that much about her."
"You looked her up just because I said she was my favourite? That's sweet, Rei-chan." I smile at him, and he blushes. God, he's cute.
"I haven't heard any of her songs, though. I only read her biography."
"Well, we can fix that! I like to listen to a couple of the tracks before I buy anyway, so we can share the earphones." I smile mentally at the image.
"And what about me?" Gou-chan puts her hands on her hips and pouts, sort of. Well, she tries, but it doesn't really work. She's smiling too much. "Although, at least I know who you're talking about now. She's not the only Nana in the music business, Nagisa. As if I could guess off just her first name!"
"Well, whatever. Let's go!" I take off into the store, and I spot the new album almost immediately. Partially because I already know what it looks like from seeing it online, and partially because it's on a giant display wall. As expected from a singer of Nana-chan's calibre. I try to read the name. Why are they always in English? "Shu… shupaanal libaate? Is that it?"
"Your pronunciation is awful, Nagisa-ku… Nagisa. It's Supernal Liberty."
"Yours isn't exactly perfect, Rei. We'll ask Onii-chan when we see him, how's that?"
Rei-chan blushes, embarrassed. He gets that way so easily, but that's part of his charm.
"Well, let's listen. Which one has the most interesting title?" I scroll the list with my eyes, and settle on the one at the bottom, because it's in Japanese, so I can actually read it. "This one here – Ai no Hoshi – Tsuu Haatsu."
"We really need to work on your pronunciation if you plan to pass second year. Two Hearts."
"Quit spoiling the fun, Rei-chan!" It's my turn to pout, and Gou-chan laughs. "It's not funny, Gou-chan!" I turn away from them, back towards the screen, and I see that there are three jack ports. So we can all listen at the same time. I plug in three sets of the trial headphones, hand one to each of them, making sure Rei-chan can see I'm a little iffed, and set the song on its merry way. Well, now that I actually hear it, merry might not be the right word.
It's not what I would call a sad song. But it's not happy-happy. It's slow, reflective. And suddenly the vocal line kicks in and I'm miles away, carried away on her voice like a leaf on high tide. And, even though I've heard this song already, because it was on her last single, I hear it new. I hear the words for what they really are, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. This is totally how our friendship works.
Looking for something truly beautiful on this one and only planet, rather than something these eyes can see, wouldn't it be love? Rei-chan's always looking for his beauty, and he looks so hard he doesn't even notice I'm standing here throwing it in his face.
Even if quarrels and sadness cloud up the untainted sky, overlapping warmth becomes a light illuminating the world. Even we we're all fighting, we still shine, together, and we always will.
In this repeating time, if there is one thing that'll never change, it wouldn't have form, but it would be the joys of meeting you. Even though we'd spent so long apart, the joy of meeting Haru-chan and Mako-chan and Rin-chan never changed. It only got better when Gou-chan and Rei-chan came in.
We don't have even one special thing, only the power to feel things that are precious to us. The things like Gou-chan, like Rei-chan, like everybody.
By being together, we weave bonds limited in time, and leave tracks called miracles behind. We've worked miracles as a team, I realise now. We mightn't have made it to nationals, but there are other kinds of miracles.
Whatever tomorrow might bring, I'm sure I'll be able to walk forward, no matter what tomorrow brings, with you, forever. That is what I want. I'm not sure why I never noticed it before, but that is what I want. To walk forward, push on and never give up against our future, hand in hand and heart in heart, with everybody. I look across to Rei-chan. Everybody is in my vision, but he's the one standing next to me.
And suddenly the song's over, and the three of us are left standing stunned in the middle of the store like we'd just seen the sky fall down.
"I can see why she's your favourite singer, Nagisa." Rei-chan breaks the silence, and I'm not sure whether I'm sad the magic's gone or whether I'm happy it was replaced by his voice.
"I'm moved. If I wasn't flat broke, I'd be buying the album, too." Gou-chan voices her agreement, and I look at the two of them.
But I can't say anything back. So instead, I just let my feelings take over, and I throw myself around the two of them, hugging them tight, tighter than I ever have before, letting my head fall on Rei-chan's shoulder. I feel like I'm about to cry, but it's a good cry. A happy cry. I look up at them, releasing them from my arms as I do. "Promise me we'll be together forever, okay?"
They just look confused for a moment, but then they smile and I know they feel the same way I do. And there's an unspoken agreement between the three of us. No matter what tomorrow brings, with you, forever. That's how it should be. So I pick a copy of Supernal Liberty up off the shelf, mentally bookmarking my favourite track before I even reach the counter.
"That's 2800 yen." That's the best purchase of my life. 2800 yen for an album, a friendship-maybe-more and a promise.
I try my best to stop that song echoing in my head, but no matter what I do it stubbornly refuses to move. And echoing along with it is Nagisa's promise. Together forever. I said I promised, so I suppose now I have to. And I want to. It's just forever's a long time. It's a long time to be with just one group. It's a long time to wait. It's a long time to be torn between two choices. And at this rate, I think I very well might be torn forever.
We go to lunch, because it's around midday, and we're starting to get hungry, unsurprisingly. Se we go to the food court, and we have a lot of options. Well, Gou doesn't because she's now broke after her expenditure at Nadeshiko and Sakura. I must admit, though, I agree. Money is a trivial sacrifice for the acquisition of beauty.
"Gou-sa… Gou." One of these days, I'm going to get the hang of changing honorifics. It seems16 years haven't been sufficient, so perhaps it won't just happen tomorrow, but I'll get there. "I'll buy you lunch, so get whatever it is you like."
"Don't be stupid! I can't ask that of you!"
"You're not asking, I'm inviting. I haven't bought anything today, so I still have plenty of money. So please, get what you like, and I'll pay."
She smiles, and I take a somewhat improper pleasure in knowing I caused it. "Thanks, Rei."
Nagisa hums quite loudly. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but he must have his reasons. "Don't get so ahead of yourself, you two. We still need to find a place to eat."
We all start rotating randomly, in some vain hope that we'll twist to face the obvious choice in a sea thereof. And unsurprisingly, it's Nagisa who finds it. "Ah! A new ramen house! Let's go there!" And unsurprisingly, Gou and I both tag along willingly.
Nagisa seems to have all of the power in our relationship. Not as in his and mine, but the three of us, him, Gou and I. I can't quite determine why that is, though. Sociology theory would dictate that both Gou and I want something from him, and hence capitulate in hope of having the wish fulfilled. I don't even know I want something out of Nagisa, so I can't judge whether or not Gou does. But, our relationship dynamic would certainly suggest it.
I shake my head, in an attempt to clear these thoughts until I have private space and time to consider, as is proper. We make our way over to this new ramen house, and wait to be seated. Or, we go to, until a customer already seated flags us down. "Oi! Gou-kun!" There's only one person I can think of who would call her that, and her half-angered, half-defeated sigh implies my guess is right. Former Samezuka Academy Swim Team Captain, Mikoshiba Seijuro, waves obnoxiously from a nearby table. "Come and sit over here!"
And we oblige, although I don't really know why. We've not spoken to him much at all. Except Gou, a little. But I suppose we can get ahead of the nightmare of a line this way. "I thought I told you already not to call me Gou-kun. At least Gou-san! It sounds enough like I'm a boy already!" She goes to sit next to him, and some instinct somewhere in me goes to stop her. My hand reaches out to catch her before I notice it, but thankfully Nagisa has somewhat more presence of mind, and catches me by the shoulder at the last available moment.
"Remember what she said at the store. Poor form." He whispers it straight into my ear, so I know it was a private comment. And he's right. It's only beings of high intelligence that can overcome natural instinct, so in the interest of maintaining my image of a beautiful intellect, I must overcome such stupid urges. I nod in acknowledgement, and let Gou file peacefully in beside Mikoshiba-san, while Nagisa and I take the two opposite them. They start prattling idly, more arguments about honorifics. I allow myself to tune out, taking no interest in the present flow and conversation. And moreover, I think allowing my mind to wander will distract me from this territorial feeling. I hate it. I hate giving in to my instincts that way.
So does that mean that I love Gou? Does the fact that I voluntarily do something I hate for her sake mean that I love her? Does the fact that sitting here, as much as I try to be absent-minded, I find myself being irritated that she's sitting next to Mikoshiba-san and not me mean I love her? Does the fact that my instincts, no matter how much I repress them, choose to protect her mean I love her, somewhere even I can't see? But if I do love her, what about Nagisa? If Gou sets my instincts into action, it seems to be Nagisa who can calm them. All he did was lay a hand on my shoulder, and I was then capable of my normal level of self-restraint.
Does that mean I love him? Does the fact that all it takes is a touch from him mean that my instincts have chosen him as well as Gou? Does that mean I love Nagisa? Or Gou? Or both? Is it alright for me to love both them? If I do, do I have to choose which one I love more? That's impossible. That would be equivalent to choosing between a mother and a father. I realise my brain comes to this conclusion independently, without my input. So I do love them both? But if so, then how do I feel about Rin-senpai? He seems to care for me, if not love me. So does that mean I own him some kind of repayment or respect as recompense for his love? They are so many questions, and all the theories in the entire world couldn't possibly answer even a single one.
And a voice snaps me back to the present. "You're Ryuugazaki, right? The one that gave up his relay position to Matsuoka?" I nod in reply, not trusting myself to reply civilly to Mikoshiba-san, his right arm threatening to embrace Gou at any moment. "Well, thanks on my part. You're crazy, but thanks. I don't know what he would've done if you hadn't given him that chance. And he's the best shot Samezuka has, so I owe you one." If I could claim that 'one' now, I would ask him to swap places.
"But Sei-chan, Rin-chan transferred." Mikoshiba-san tenses involuntarily, but I'm not sure whether it's over Nagisa's improvised nickname or his offhand comment.
"First, never call me that again. And second, what?" Equal parts of both. "You're saying Matsuoka transferred away from Samezuka, the swimming powerhouse, to a municipal high school? Why? How? He's in third year, right?"
"Sei-chan, calm down!"
"I told you not to call me that!"
And suddenly Gou just breaks out in fits of laughter at the sheer bizarreness of the affair, and suddenly we're all joining in and everything just relaxes like there was never any tension to begin with. I trust my civility more after humour, so I reply to Mikoshiba-san.
"I'm not really sure how Rin-senpai managed it either. I think someone at Samezuka must have wanted him out. After our little relay performance, I wouldn't be surprised if some higher-up held a grudge, so there's that." I tick off possible explanations on my hand. "He is in third-year, but private high schools just do what they want, really, so I don't think that bothered them much. But the most interesting part is why. I don't know the theories to adequately determine that." It's only half-a-lie. I don't know the theories, but that doesn't mean I don't know why.
"Ai no Hoshi – Tsuu Haatsu." Nagisa pitches in from the side of table. We all stare at him, confused. Gou and I both know he's referring to the song we heard, but we're yet to figure out exactly what he means by it. "In this repeating time, if there is one thing that'll never change, it wouldn't have form, but it would be the joys of meeting you. Rin-chan wanted to see us again. When you know joy once, you look for it again. And the best joy I've ever known in the relay with Rin-chan and everyone. I'm sure he feels the same way." Wow. I didn't know Nagisa was capable of such reflective thought. And suddenly, a line from the song echoes in my head. No matter what tomorrow brings, with you, forever. I know that I feel the same way as Mizuki Nana did when she sang those lines. But I don't know who my 'you' should be. In Japanese, the expression is strictly singular. But a rough conversion to English in my head shows that the translation is ambiguous – it could be plural. So is it okay for me to have multiple 'you's? Can I have Nagisa and Gou and Rin-senpai and everyone else, or do I have to choose just one? Nagisa turns his eyes on me, and somehow I get the feeling he's thinking much the same thing.
"Waiter?" Mikoshiba-san's voice shatters my reverie, leaving shards of indecision scattered in my brain like pieces of a broken mirror. "We're ready to order."
-Chapter 13 - After a Hot Date-
I enjoy it. Makoto presses his lips on mine, and I enjoy it. I enjoy the way his tongue playfully but powerfully pushes my lips apart and runs about in my mouth like an orca swimming free in the ocean. I enjoy the way I can taste every detail on the inside of his mouth if I try – taste the chocolates, and their rainbow-flavoured fillings. It tastes even better than mackerel. I enjoy the way it feels like nothing else exists, like the two of us are the universe and everything thing else rotates about us. I enjoy the way it feels like angels sing in my ear, and the way it feels like water comes up and surrounds me, joining and completing our embrace. But the water's nothing more than an illusion – the embrace completes itself. I enjoy the way I don't want it to end, even though I know it has to, and I enjoy that for now, nothing else matters. I enjoy that for now, Rin could live or die and I'd be none the wiser. I enjoy that just for now, my decision is made. I enjoy that I choose Makoto, and I enjoy that I can say with confidence that he's the right choice, even though I don't know if that's true yet.
But I'm also aware of where we are. I'm aware of the fact that this is a public area, and that anybody could walk in anytime. I'm aware of the fact that we're probably not the first couple to kiss on this floor, and all sorts of things could be crawling about underneath us. And I'm aware that Rin is sitting in the theatre, waiting for us to get back. So I close my mouth firmly and make it very clear that this kiss is over. I don't want to. But I know that it's fairly necessary at the moment.
"Well, I guess you don't really need a formal confession, do you?" Makoto smiles, stands up and brushes himself off like we hadn't just spat heaven into one another. "Sorry to do it like that. I know you don't feel the same way. Don't feel like you owe me anything."
Propping myself up to my feet, I go to talk, but I'm not sure what to say. "Makoto… I should be the one apologising." I try to think about the words before I say them, but I think that'll just make it worse, so I just let them come. "I'm sorry I never noticed. After all this time, I never even guessed. I must have hurt you a lot. So I'm the one who's sorry." I look away from his green eyes. They're so kind, even though I don't deserve it after what I've done to him. Maybe I can make it up with a secret of my own. "And…" This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to say to anybody. "It's not that I don't feel the same way. It's just that… I don't know whether I can yet." I look back at the door. Rin's waiting for us. "Because…"
"Stop right there." He must have read my mind again. "I don't want to hear you say that. It's enough to know that I'm in with a shot." He smiles at me again, and I can't look at it. How can he still smile at me so genuinely? "Let's go back. He's waiting."
We make our way back to the screen, and we file in quite naturally. Except it seems like Makoto made an appoint to split up me and Rin. He slides in and sits where I was, and we both pretend not to notice, and Rin doesn't. "What took you two so long?"
"There was a fair line." It slides so easily out of Makoto's mouth even I believe him for a second.
"Well, whatever. You didn't miss too much. It's about due to get interesting now."
And the promise is fulfilled. The plot starts setting into full swing. Kyouko and Homura start trying to leave, and it doesn't work out for them. Homura starts realising they're trapped in something, and she chases it down to being a witch's labyrinth. So who's the witch? At the moment, I think I am. I've gone and wrapped up Makoto and Rin in some sick game of who-loves-who. And I didn't even notice.
And the movie rolls on. Homura tries to kill Bebe. I don't know why she didn't just tell Mami these things. She could have saved a lot of trouble. And a bullet to the face. That could not have been fun. Well, I'm one to talk. I've scarcely ever been upfront about anything. It's just not my way.
And now she's having a heart to heart, or so to speak, with Sayaka. They're standing on a puddle, and Sayaka flicks little drops everywhere with her sabre. I perk up at the sight of water, Rin pushes back a laugh and Makoto just smiles at me. I stare at screen – half because of the action there, and half because looking anywhere else seems like it would hurt me the way I am now.
And the scene everyone's been waiting for finally comes. Homura confesses to Madoka, in a roundabout way. I don't know if like it. It really flies in the face of both of their characters. Homura wouldn't be so weak-willed as to stop fighting like that. And Madoka wouldn't say such stupid things. Who wants to live in a world that's not real? But I can sympathise. If I could have them both, I'd think twice whether reality was my priority, too.
This scene I do like. She was the witch all along. It was her. And I don't know why I feel sad about that. Maybe it's because she just wanted to be loved, and this is what she got for her trouble. Is that where I'm headed? Or, well, beheaded, if the movie's to be believed. But good wins out. Everyone's free, and mahou shoujou heaven still exists. Until a pair of black wings fly out of her shoulders. She tears Madoka apart, to make a facsimile to keep for herself. And, of all the things, Kyubey asks why. And her answer annoys me. The pinnacle of human emotion. Love.
That's not love. Tearing someone apart just to keep them to yourself is not love. It's selfishness, at best. You can't treat people like things. But I feel a hypocrite for saying that. I would do the exact same thing to Makoto and Rin, given the chance. So maybe I'm just selfish. I want to think that I love them, but I can't convince myself. Love is how Makoto feels about me. He doesn't want to own me or keep me or cage me up like a pet, just be with me. Why don't I feel like that?
I don't pay attention to the rest of the movie, because there's not enough space left in my brain for it. But when the credits roll, the song shoots like a bullet through my thoughts. It sounds happy, but it's lying. I hear the words and they tear at me like knives.
On the other side of the door open ajar, there is a world on the verge of collapse. We opened a door today, Makoto and I. Or, well, it was opened a long time ago, I just never knew. And somehow, I think the world on the other side is ready to give in at any moment.
In this room, the dream always sang you a gentle song. How sad is that? They've never even left that one room, and their dream has always been in there. But I have to wonder. I look across at Makoto and Rin. Could it be my dream is in this room?
What is truth? I chase the most believable world to your silver garden. What is truth? What is love? What are all these things I'm feeling? Am I supposed to know? Why can't the world make sense? I want to find a pool and drown myself in its normality and peacefulness, but I can't just leave.
Have you realised the truth always lies in the past? Hopes and futures are just selfish visions of someone in a distant garden. But nobody knows yet… Well, the past lied to me. I never so much as thought Makoto felt that way. So the past isn't true. And if all futures are selfish, why do we keep going? Although, I'm put at ease by that line… if all futures are selfish, I'm free to be as selfish as I like and I've not put a foot wrong. But something sounds wrong about that.
The dream concealed a kind person's lies and grief in its arms. The heart that lacks something is shrouded by light, and takes the shape of a girl. Well, my heart's lacking something, obviously. But why does it have to take the shape of a girl? Why can't it be shaped like one of the boys next to me, so at least I can have a shadow for myself?
Stay beside me softly and please don't leave me. Chirp your song by my window and please don't leave me… Rin's already left me once, and even though I know Makoto never will, something's different now that I know. Why can't they just both stay at my window, and just live happily ever after? Because this isn't a fairy tale, that's why.
And now it's over, and I stand up and head straight out of the theatre, not bothering to check behind me because I don't even think I care if the other two are following me or not. I need to be alone for a little while. But they are, and having a civil conversation to boot.
"Well, that was a good choice, I have to admit. I liked it more than I thought I would. Don't know what I think about that ending, though." Rin walks out with his hands clasped behind his head, the way he does when he's feeling at ease.
"It was weird though. And pretty scary." Makoto seems to shiver a little, at the memory of some of the shots. I'll admit, they were pretty jarring. Definitely not run-of-the-mill mahou shoujou. But nothing particularly frightening.
"Makoto, you'd be scared of a butterfly." Rin says it playfully, but pointedly.
"Hey! You could have at least tried not to sound insulting." They start staring daggers at one another, and I wonder whether they would mind if we were all together. I shake my head. I would. I think.
We make our way to the station with those two chatting just fine and me saying nothing. "Well, I can catch a train straight home from here, so I'm going this way. See you Monday." He waves and walks off, and we stand there watching him leave for no good reason.
"Makoto…" I don't really have anything to say, but it's too quiet. Well, there are thousands of people at the station like always, but in this little bubble that's just me and Makoto alone, a pin dropping would sound like a subwoofer.
"It's okay, Haru. I have to go and do a little shopping for Mum, so go on ahead if you like." He smiles at me again, and I can't look. He laughs, comforting. "I told you, it's okay. Don't worry about me so much. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself." And with that he waves and walks off and I just stand here like an idiot and watch him leave. And I realise he's not lying. He is big. I guess I never noticed how tall he got because he was just sort of always there. And he's broad. And as stupid as it sounds, I only really start noticing now how muscular he is. I studied Rin at the pool throughout the week, and I think I was subtle about it. But even though he's pretty much always been there, I've never really studied Makoto. Even now, trying to picture him with his swimsuit on, the more I think about it the less detail I know. The general picture is there just for the sheer fact of haw many times I've seen it, but it's all the little intimate details I just can't find in my head. Is he unbalanced? I noticed Rin's left side is a little bigger than his right, like he overtrained to compensate for it being his non-dominant side. Maybe Makoto's even. I'm frustrated that I don't know. I sigh, and resign myself to a melancholy Sunday, heading down to the platform and waiting for a train.
Something went either very, very wrong or very, very right. But, no matter which way, something was off about Haru. He seemed almost excited to get out of the theatre. And he didn't even touch his pineapple. Now that's a real cause for concern. Makoto wasn't so obvious, but he was pretty adamant about getting the seat next to me. I sigh loudly, relaxing my extended arm cleanly in the handle. (I'm standing on the train, by the way.) I'm tempted to clobber them when I see them next. Can't they open their eyes? No-one's ever tried to come between because they're stuck to each other like glue. No-one could fit. I wonder if I'm an issue for them, though. As the childhood friend, I guess I have some influence on both of them, and maybe I'm accidentally using it wrong or something, and making an argument I don't notice. But they should be together. They're really a good match. Just imagine them adopting a kid. I've never seen it for myself, but I have a little suspicion that they're already like parents to Makoto's kid siblings. I wonder who's Mummy and who's Daddy? Pushing back a laugh, I almost don't hear my phone go off. A text from Rei.
Can you meet me at the school pool tomorrow? I want help improving my stroke. Also, I have something I need to talk to you about.
A Sunday? Well, whatever. Our 'homework' for the weekend should only take about two hours, so I'll do that when I get home. That leaves plenty of time for Rei's sudden burst of enthusiasm.
Sure. What time?
I'm glad he wants to improve his stroke. If I'm gonna go giving up my relay position, he'd better be bloody fast. He has the strength for it, and a general grasp on the technique, but his shoulders are a little bit too loose and his kick overexerts his lower back. I'm just nit-picking, though. Considering he only learned how to swim a year ago, and with minimal formal training no less, he's one of the best swimmers I've ever seen.
Is 9:00 too early?
Well, I wanted to sleep a little longer than that, but it's all good. I can go to bed earlier. And I sleep solid. I can sleep anywhere, as long as I have my pillow. But, I'm curious. What is this thing he's got to talk about?
See you then.
I smile to myself. Maybe, for once, I've struck a good match. I think about it logically for a second, and decide not to expect anything tomorrow. But I can't help hoping.
I sigh to myself, watching Haru leave on the train without me. Mum didn't need anything at all. But I think, right now, he and I both need some air. We'll see each other at school in a couple of days anyway, so for today and tomorrow, I think we'll be best figuring out exactly what we are to each other now.
Well, I know where I stand. I'm not sure where I got the courage to pull it off, but after that bathroom stunt, I know friendship isn't enough for me anymore. But now it's all up to Haru. I was happy when he said that. It's not that I don't feel that same way, but… That's one sentence I don't need to hear the end to. It's just I feel the same way about Rin too, and I'm not sure who to choose. I smile internally. He's never been good at big decisions.
It's enough for me that he knows how I feel (or, well, it is for now). I never expected he'd feel the same about me. I thought I was just a friend, the person that was just there no matter what, and Haru was shooting for Rin. But I'm glad he feels something in return.
That's not to say I'm not still disappointed. I wasn't lying when I said it was enough to be in with a shot, but I'd always imagined that when I told him, he'd say he felt the same and it'd just play out from there like some crappy romcom. This way, I can't feel sure he won't choose Rin, and after finally getting my feelings out there, I don't know how I'd deal with that. It'd hurt, for sure. But will it end up being an I'm-happy-you're-happy sort of thing, or will I just push myself aside to fester in my jealousy? I think I might fall halfway. I think I'd still have to smile for Haru. I couldn't bear not seeing him, so just while he's around, I can pretend it's okay. But behind the curtains, when I'm alone, I'd probably just be rotting away in my hatred for Rin.
That sounds awful, doesn't it? I know it's not right. Rin's an old friend, and it's not his fault Haru fell for him and me for Haru. But I still can't help hating him for it. I think that's just natural, though. Envy's just human nature. I don't hate Rin as a person, I just hate the part of him the Haru loves, because I want that to be part of me instead. But I was proud of how civilly I spoke to him at the theatre. It was all I could do not to throttle him, shake him and scream at him, "Why did you go and get between us like this?" I don't know why I'm blaming him for my problems. I know they're not his fault, but he's the only person I can think of to blame.
Another train arrives, I get on it, and I wonder if Haru's home yet. I wonder if I could just charge in there and demand an answer, the answer I want. I wonder if I was aggressive, more like Rin, could I make Haru choose me? Even if I could, that's not how I want it. If I have to play dirty to win, I'd rather lose, even when the stakes are this high. I sigh, and put the future to the future. I'll just do what I can for now.
-Chapter 14 - The Train Trip Home-
"Well, I go this way! See you both Monday!" Nagisa and Rei go the other way, towards a train headed for their houses. Seijuro -san (he told me not to call him Mikoshiba anymore, so here we are, I guess) must live in the area, because he's walking home. I wonder if he misses Samezuka at all. What is life like after school, with university and jobs and adulthood and all these things you're suddenly supposed to do? I'll just ask him sometime, I guess. We traded numbers, so I can call him whenever. My train arrives, and by some small miracle, I end up on the same carriage as Onii-chan, coming home from his shop with Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai. Fighting my way through the crowds of people, I make my way over. I stand next to him, but he doesn't seem to notice me.
"Hi, Onii-chan." Nothing. I wave my hands in front of his eyes, "Yoo-hoo? You in there?" The train starts moving while my hands are in mid-air, and the sudden motion throws me off-centre, and I start falling backwards, until Onii-chan's strong arm wraps around me and pulls me back up straight. "Nice catch, moonwalker." I layer sarcasm thick through my voice.
"Moonwalker? What does that even mean?"
"Where were you a second ago? I said hi, and you didn't even hear me. It's like you were on the moon! Thus, moonwalker."
He scoffs, half with contempt, and half with affection. "Don't just go making up words. No-one'll understand what you mean."
"Enough about my linguistic habits, what about you? A tsunami could've rolled in just then and you'd be none the wiser. What gives?"
"I have my reasons, but I don't need to explain myself to you."
"I'm not asking for that. I'm your little sister. I'm concerned about you. It's not healthy to worry alone, you know."
"You're one to talk."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I'm indignant. I don't worry alone. My issues just happen to be private.
"It didn't take a genius to tell you weren't sick on Tuesday."
"That so?" I guess he knows me better than I realise, but I can't let him know he's right. "Then why wasn't I at club again?"
"The fact I don't know proves my point." I get the feeling he really does know, and just doesn't want to say it for whatever reason. "You worry alone all the time. I think it must be in our blood, 'cause Mum's exactly the same."
"Well, maybe we all need to learn to worry alone together."
"You start, I'll follow." Dammit. He's as sharp as ever.
"Not in public."
"Okay then, tonight."
"Deal."
"What did you buy?"
"Just some clothes."
"Can I see?"
"Well, I can't change but you can see them off me."
"What did you think I meant?"
Taking the train's handle tightly I rummage about in the bag briefly and pull out Nagisa's outfit. "Nagisa picked these out."
Onii-chan starts a little. "Nagisa? What happened to Nagisa-kun?"
"We decided honorifics were getting a little stuffy."
"But he still calls you Gou-chan, right?"
"You say it like it's surprising."
"Some things'll never change."
"I didn't think that'd look good on, being blue and whatever, but I actually look all right in it."
"I can imagine. Nagisa has better taste than you'd think, huh?"
"I guess so."
"There's something else in there."
"That one's a secret."
"What? You said I could see."
"Not this one. I want you to see it on first."
"That's not any fun. Show it!"
"Rei picked it out for me. Looks like all that beauty talk isn't for nothing after all. He picked well."
"Just show me the friggin' clothes, Gou." His shift in tone is immediate, and jarring.
"No way. Not until I can show you properly."
"Tonight, then?"
"Tonight."
I'm still concerned about him. He's gone back to the moon. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe it had something to do with that change in tone after I mentioned Rei? It couldn't have anything to do with him, could it?
"Bye-bye, Gou-chan!" Nagisa pushes forward onto the balls of his feet in an effort to seem taller, waving goodbye to Gou with both hands. I'm just quickly texting her brother, sorting out some business of my own, but I text quickly, so I put my phone away in time to wave goodbye. I adjust my glasses at the end of the motion, because they've been sitting weird for a while now. My phone buzzes. Rin-senpai texts quickly, too. See you then. Good. I'm glad he agreed.
"Let's go, Rei-chan. Our train's nearly here." Nagisa grabs me by the wrist aggressively, and starts dragging me down towards the platform. He's not incorrect. The train arrives quite literally the second we set foot on the platform. It seems our line is unpopular today, because we don't have to fight a tsunami of people to try and get on, and there are plenty of free seats just begging to be taken. So we sit down next to each other, and suddenly I wonder if that's weird. Are two guys normally close enough that they voluntary push themselves up against each other when they could just as easily spread out? It doesn't bother me at all. I like being close to Nagisa. With this view, he looks kind of fragile, like you could just flick him and he'd fall over and shatter. But he also has some sort of internal strength, like he'd just put himself back together and carry on like nothing even happened. He's quite the enigma, but I think that's what makes him attractive. The idea that there's what he shows to the world, and then layer after layer after layer sitting underneath that ready for you to peel back and discover, like unwrapping a birthday present.
"Nagisa… I've been thinking about some things, and I have something I need to ask you about."
He turns his face to me expectantly. "What kind of something, Rei-chan?" He narrows his eyes playfully. "A study something? A swimming something? Or could it be… a love something?" He seems excited at the prospect, more than he reasonably should be for my part. I blush and shake my head vehemently, temporarily lost for words. "I should have guessed as much." It sounds bitter, like he didn't want to say but it just came out anyway, and his face falls briefly so I can't read his expression. But it only takes him a fraction of a second to be facing me, smiling again. "So what is it?"
"It's just… now that we're second years and all, and now that more and more people are inviting me to stop using honorifics, I've been thinking maybe I've outgrown the way I speak. Do you think using boku is too immature for me?" Silence lays heavy in the air for a moment, and I'm worried I said something wrong. Suddenly, his blonde hair vibrates violently as he collapses into spasms of laughter. "Don't laugh, Nagisa! This is a serious question!"
He continues laughing anyway, and I suppose it is sort of funny. "Sorry, Rei-chan! You just sounded so serious I thought you were going to tell me you've secretly been a murderer all along or something stupid like that!" He doubles up over his knees, and wipes at the side of his eyes with his left hand. I wonder why he used his non-dominant arm. It probably has something to do with the fact that his right arm is rather occupied in holding his stomach. It must hurt from laughing so hard. I really have to stop overthinking everything.
"So anyway, now you're finally done laughing, do you have an opinion?"
"Well, you know, I like you the way you are, Rei-chan, so I think boku's fine. I mean, I use boku. So, I guess, it's normal for me to say that, isn't it?"
"But… we're really quite different, Nagisa. Boku suits you perfectly. But I think I need a more adult image, and if I use boku it just makes me sound like a kid. And besides, everyone else uses ore."
"Huh? I didn't pick you as easily influenced like that, Rei-chan."
"What?! I'm not easily influenced!" Am I?
"Really? Then what does this mean?" He clears his throat and puts his hand to his face, imitating me and my glasses. "Everyone else uses ore." He even tries imitating my voice, but, it's so much lower than his, he doesn't meet with much success. But he has a point. If I'm not easily influenced, why'd I bring that up?
"Well, whatever, you get the idea! Should I switch to ore, or not?"
He hums a little, thankfully giving it some serious thought. "No."
"Why not?" I'm curious to know.
He hums again, like he hadn't really thought about it at all. "Well, first off, if you use ore, there are some situations in which you'll have to use boku anyway, so you'll be changing back and forth all the time. Oh, and since you're bad at changing your honorifics, I bet you'd be even worse at changing your own pronoun, so you should probably just leave it alone." I'm a little offended by his forwardness. "But, mostly, I just don't think ore is beautiful enough for you, Rei-chan."
I'm a little taken aback, and I don't really get where he's coming from here. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, maybe it's just me, but ore sounds really harsh and blunt. With boku, it's easier on the ears, and it's easier to say. It just has a more beautiful sound to it, don't you think?" I do think, playing the two over and over in my head to see if I agree or not. But for some godforsaken reason, my internal recording of boku is in Nagisa's voice, and ore in Rin-senpai's. Aside from the bias that straight off gave to boku (Rin-senpai's voice might be lower and stronger and more masculine or whatever like that, but Nagisa's is more musical, and hence more beautiful, to my ear at least), I do think it has an inherently more beautiful sound.
"You raise a solid point. Maybe I should carry on using boku."
"I'm happy you agree, Rei-chan. I don't want to you to change." He's dropped his head again, so I can't read what his face is saying. But even without adequate theoretical analysis of his face, Nagisa's voice was pitched differently to normal, so that indicates something, I think. Some sort of emotion wrapped up behind Nagisa's sing-song voice.
"Nagisa? You sound off-colour. Is there anything you need to ask me about?"
Wow. Rei-chan's more sensitive than normal today. He picked up I was choked up over him changing. But I don't think he picked up why. He's not that sharp. But I think this is a good time to get all this off my chest. Because even though we're on the train, we're alone. Because if it all goes horribly wrong, I just get off, even if it's not my stop, and wait for another, leaving Rei-chan alone to think. Because if it all goes horribly right, I can stay on for his stop and we can get off together. So I'm just gonna tell him. I'm sick of secrets.
But how to phrase it? I look coyly at my hands, just in case I happen to be holding some brilliant idea. And I am. I see my new CD in its bag, and suddenly the words I need to say just kind of come to me.
"Rei-chan? You said you'd read Nana-chan's biography, right?"
He's taken aback. "Well, yes… Why do you ask?"
"Did you read about her childhood, and her pre-career life?"
"Yeah…"
"Tell me about it, Rei-chan."
He stammers a little as he goes to start the sentence and it reminds me why I love him. "As a child, her father had always planned for her to be famous, as his first child, so he gave her strict training in enka."
"What do you mean by strict?"
"If her technique was poor, or if she was generally unsatisfactory, she would be punished. Normally a physical beating, if I remember rightly."
"Doesn't that sound horrible?"
"But that's not the worst of it."
"I know. Keep going."
"When she came to be high school age, she went to study at Hirokoshi High School, because of its industry connections and strong music program. So she left home and lived with her enka teacher from childhood who'd moved there in an attempt to establish a record label."
"It only gets worse, doesn't it?"
He gulps. "Nagisa, if you already know, why do you want me to tell you?"
"Just say it, Rei-chan. I have my reasons."
"Her teacher abused her emotionally and…" he struggles over the next word, "…sexually. She refused to leave his label, both because she felt she owed him for his help both in teaching her, and in supporting her through high school by signing her."
"But eventually, she left because she realised he wasn't seriously promoting her, and she moved onto King where's she had all this success."
"She's earned every drop of it, in my opinion. No-one should have to go through that sort of thing, especially not as a child."
"But that's it, isn't it? That's why she can sing so well. Because she loves it. She loves it so much she willingly put herself through hell and back to be the best she could. Isn't that what love's about?" I notice suddenly that somehow, throughout the conversation, Rei-chan and I have been turning away from one another, and now we're sitting back to back.
"I don't know enough about love to answer that, Nagisa."
"You don't have to know anything, Rei-chan. You just have to feel it."
"I don't know how."
I turn myself back to him, and find myself staring at his back. "Well… I want to go through hell for you, Rei-chan!"
He starts, and I think that means I got through. "Nagisa…"
"That's just the way I feel about you. I want so much for you to be happy, I'd go through hell right now for it." The train pulls up to a stop, and by some ploy of fortune it's mine. "This is my stop. I just had to tell you. I don't need an answer right away. Take your time." I push back his hair and kiss his cheek as I walk past. "See you Monday." I walk off the train, and start heading off towards my house.
I stretch back my shoulders and smile. Secrets really are the worst. I feel so much better now that everything's out, now that my cards are all shown. I really don't need an answer. I don't think Rei-chan had one anyway. So, now, I guess everything's just got to fall how it falls now, doesn't it?
-Chapter 15 - Even Busier Nights- (Warning: Moderate Smut)
"Nanase Haruka". I have some concept of the fact that I'm dreaming, but it's not like I can control it or anything. Kyubey is standing in front of me, addressing me. I'm not really sure why that is, but I decide to roll with it. "You have potential. Enough to overcome entropy. In exchange for a wish, I can turn you into history's first mahou shounen."
I take a moment to consider. Is there anything I want badly enough to lay down my life? There are too many. I want answers. I want freedom. I want Makoto. I want Rin. But which do I want to most? I think for a minute, and I realise I can wish for anything. So why not?
"I wish that Makoto and Rin were both mine, body and soul."
"Very well, Nanase Haruka. Your wish has overcome entropy. With this soul gem, take up the mantle of a mahou shounen."
And suddenly I have no problems anymore. I don't have to choose between them. If I want, I can make my mind up day to day. Today, maybe I want Makoto. Tomorrow, maybe I want Rin. And I can have that one, and the other one can have a day off. Or I can have them both at the same time. That's the most fun. And all I have to do in return is fight a witch or two every so often. Surprise, surprise, I got powers over water, so they're easy prey. Rin told me how to manipulate water in the air and in the witches' bodies to take them out like nothing. Makoto taught me how to defend myself physically in a tight spot. He learnt it in case he ever needed to protect me, he said. I had him for a week after that.
One day, I'm fighting a witch. I've gotten lazy, and air-headed. Is today a Makoto day, or a Rin day? Is there enough mackerel for dinner? I've got to get back in time to cook. And while I'm thinking these things, her familiars sneak up on me. But this witch was stupid. She designed a pond into her labyrinth, so I just pick the water up and drown them all. Water can't drown me anymore, and my mahou shounen costume is just a swimsuit. Not very good for defence, but easy to move in, especially since I tend to turn everything into a swimming pool. Now her familiars are a touch waterlogged, I turn to take on the witch herself. She's carrying some huge sword, and she swings it down on me. I freeze a patch of the tsunami I just made and turn it into a sword of my own, parrying her strike. It mightn't seem like ice would be strong enough to hold out through an attack like that, but with this much water around, I can keep strengthening it as much as I need. It's fairly solid anyway, I've found. Weapons made out of ice are deadly. They're typically my finishing shot – an ice arrow, or a frozen blade. So I throw off her strike and charge forward, using the water in her pseudo-blood to hold her sword arm still. She hasn't got as much as some of them do – I guess she used it to make that pond. My magic's not strong enough to hold her down, so I take the still water from the ground and freeze handcuffs around her wrists. I use the handcuffs to pull her into the ground. She falls heavily, clumsily. When she lies flat, I melt the handcuffs and instead form a clamp around her centre, holding her down while I take my ice sword and systematically go about cutting off each of her limbs until she bites it good and proper. And when her head comes off, she explodes into a cloud of grief and leaves her egg behind, ripe for me to cleanse my Soul Gem.
That night, I return home and cook dinner. Mackerel. We do vary a little, but I'm the only one who can cook, so I get to choose most of the time. Because of my wish, I own them anyway, so if they wanted something I didn't it wouldn't be that way long. It sounds cruel, to own them like that, but I don't regret a thing. But they're getting more and more distant. Throughout the whole meal, no one says a word. "Makoto." It's his night. "Come on." Rin leaves as I turn my attentions to Makoto.
He sighs heavily. "You're so cruel, Haru." I know that this mightn't be the most morally sound thing I've ever done, but I never thought I was cruel to them. "You knew I loved you anyway. So why did you have to do this? If you wanted me, you could've just asked."
"But could I have had Rin, too?"
"Don't you see that's what makes it so cruel?" He looks up at me and tries to smile, but he just can't anymore. His eyes fight back tears valiantly, but ultimately lose. "You can't say you really love us when you treat us like playthings."
I really do love them. I love them both, more than I can stand. Can't they see that's why I did this? "If that's how you feel, then go and fetch Rin for me."
"I can tell you he feels the same way." But Makoto has no choice but to do it, because of the wish. So I watch him leave, in equal parts sadness and anger.
And I wait for Rin, but he never comes. Instead, a sheet of paper flies in through the window.
Haru,
I can't stand being treated like this anymore. I get that you have needs and whatever, and maybe you loved us both, but if you really loved us you would have asked us how we felt before you acted so selfishly. I refuse to submit to you like I'm nothing. I'm a person too, and so is Makoto. We all need our space, and we can't live our lives in your demonic little toybox. So goodbye.
My knees crumble and I hit the floor. Was I really that cruel to them? I tried to do everything right – I cooked them the best meals I could, I spread my time evenly, if they weren't up for it, I didn't force them into anything. Or, not actively. I suppose that just the nature of my wish was forcing them into it, wasn't it? And now I realise I forgot to cleanse my Soul Gem. It shines black, and I push it out the window. I don't mind becoming a witch now. I've made the two people in the world that I love hate me, so I just watch as it breaks and feel myself drowning in grief. It tastes like water. It feels like water. It has that same welcoming smoothness, and it cuts off everything, like you're the only thing that exists. The same way water does, but grief does it better. It feels good. So I just let myself soak in it for a minute, until I feel myself getting lonely.
But I don't have to lonely ever again. I'm a witch now. I can do whatever I like, make whatever I like. So I build myself a barrier, and I decorate it, and I make myself little facsimiles of Rin and Makoto for familiars. They're not wearing much, but that's the way I like it. They're not quite the same, but there's millions of them, and each and every one of them exists to serve me and nothing else.
But bliss just can't last, can it? Makoto and Rin, the real ones, have gone mahou shounen too. I'm not entirely sure what Makoto's weapon is – it's kind of a spear-come-staff. He plunges he point into the ground and the whole earth starts shaking. My little fake pets can't stand up, and while Makoto keeps them down, Rin charges in. He's carrying a katana. Or rather, a bunch of katana. And he's arranged them cleverly, like something out of a shark's mouth, each blade lapping over the next to make a deadly net. He ploughs through my pets like they weren't even there, and next the two of them turn to face me.
"Sorry to do this, Haru." Makoto looks sad that his first kill has to be me.
"Really? I'm not. Even if it was still Haru in there, I couldn't wait to run him through after the time we've had."
So that's how they feel. But that's okay. Because I'm here, drowning in my grief, so I don't need them anymore. I flail my new witch arms, and pillars of black water fly out of the ground and walls, flooding the room and rocketing into the lovers I know but can't help but realise as enemies. I accidentally push them into one another's arms, and they kiss briefly, on purpose. "Well, you don't need to be so hasty, Rin. We've never have gotten here if he hadn't pushed us."
So they were together the whole time? My arms fall to my side, and I lose all my will for a moment. But then the grief takes over and I stop seeing. I can't see who's who anymore, and my memory's just a black haze. Who was I thinking about again? Who am I? What am I? My arms raise themselves and I think I'm attacking somebody but there's nothing around to say that that's the case. There's nothing down here. No memory, no sound, no sight, no water, no pain, no loneliness, no love. I don't know what's making me think that, but I am. And suddenly, a white line slashes its way through the darkness and I see two people I don't know cutting me in half. They say goodbye to someone named Haru and start hugging each other in some sort of consolation. And I'm suddenly free, although I don't know why that's so important to me.
I wake up screaming and sweating, fighting the sheets off like they're trying to strangle me. What on earth was that dream? I turn on my side and see the clock. It's 1 am. Is that too early for a run? I decide yes, throw the covers off my bed and curl into myself, trying both to keep myself together and run away from this horrible thing I've become. I wonder whether I'm really like the me that was in that dream. I want to believe I'm not but I can't convince myself. So I curl tighter into myself, throwing off my shirt because it's too hot in here like this. I see Makoto lying in front of me, and I turn away so I don't have to think about it. But Rin's lying on my other side, so I turn to the roof. But this way I can see them both out the sides of my eyes, so I lay my face flat and resolve to just ignore it until morning.
Well, I guess I have to keep this deal of mine now. I said to Onii-chan that tonight we'd start exchanging problems, and that I'd show him the dress. Well, the moon is out and we've eaten dinner so I guess tonight is as much here as it's going to get. I walk up to his room, and knock. "Come in." He still sounds distracted.
I push my way in. "Well, time we go on with this deal, isn't it?"
He looks confused. "Deal?"
"From the train, this afternoon. You know, the whole worrying alone thing."
"Oh. That."
"It was literally six hours ago. You could not possibly have forgotten."
"I didn't. I just have a few other things on my mind."
"And that's exactly why we made the deal. We were going to get our minds off onto one other, weren't we?"
"I guess so."
"Do you need to finish that now?"
"Sort of, yeah."
"Well, then. I'll go change, into that dress you wanted to see so badly. You finish up."
"That doesn't give me much time, you know."
"I don't think you'll need much time."
I run back down the stairs playfully, closing the door behind me. Entering my own room, I rummage about a little in the bag, pulling Rei's outfit out from Nagisa's and laying it out neatly. I smooth the creases it contracted from being folded in the bag for so long with my hand, somewhat unsuccessfully. They're not so obvious, but it'd need an iron before a proper public showing. I pull on the ribbon holding up my ponytail and my hair falls loose effortlessly. The dress is quite a process – there's only the one zipper to hold it up, but it's positioned exactly in the middle of my shoulder blades, like most dresses, so it's really hard to grab hold of it. I slip out of my lounge gear, and step into the dress, pulling it up carefully. Examining it as I go, I see the little details in the stitching that make it fit so well. It fits loosely, until the bust, where it tightens up and just generally draws attention to the area, which I'm happy for because it's one area I do have assets. But then it tapers elegantly outward until about three-quarters of the way down my leg, where it splits, revealing my calves and feet, and runs to the back in two thin trails. And, the rarest trait of all, I can actually breathe in it. It fits me well around the lungs and stomach, so it's not uncomfortable to wear. I didn't know that you could look good in comfortable clothes. But, it's been about ten minutes by now, in between getting the dress ready, getting myself ready, admiring it and then finally actually putting on (admiring it a little more as I did). So I run back up the stairs barefoot under this beautiful dress, and knock on Onii-chan's door one more time. "You ready yet?"
I hear him slam his book violently and victoriously shut. "Perfect timing. Just finished."
I open the door, more slowly than I did last time, wanting the suspense to hold out a little a longer. "Don't judge too harsh, okay?" And then I step in, showing him the whole picture at the one time.
And he takes a minute to pick his jaw up off the floor before he comments. "Gou, when did you get so grown-up?"
"I am seventeen, you know."
He just kind of breathes out heavily, like he tried to sigh but it didn't really work. "I guess I can't call you my little sister, anymore, can I?"
"Well, you can. I'm still littler than you are. But that doesn't mean I'm little."
"I guess I never really noticed you'd grown up. You were always just kind of my kid sister. But you're not a kid anymore, are you?"
"Glad you picked that one up."
"Where do you get that wit of yours?"
"You."
"I don't sound like that, do I?"
"Well, a little bit. My wit's kind of the woman's answer to your aggressiveness."
"I'm aggressive?"
"Well, not so much anymore, but you were for a long time."
"Things sure have changed a lot, haven't they?"
"I guess so. You don't really notice when things change right in front of you, do you?"
"Not really, no."
I take a seat on his bed, because with him on the chair that goes with his desk, there's really nowhere else to sit. "Well, enough putting it off. We said we were going to exchange problems, right? So, who goes first?"
"I thought we established on the train you'd go first."
"I thought you'd forgotten the train."
"Obviously not. First shot's yours, Gou."
I sigh and fall backwards, lying out flat on Onii-chan's bed, bent at the knees so that my calves point to the floor. "Where to start? I guess, my biggest problem is I just sometimes feel really alone."
"Everyone does from time to time. What's such a problem about that?"
"Well, the problem is I'll feel alone when they are other people around. Even if you and Nagisa and Rei and everyone else are around, I'll feel like I'm the only one there. Because, the five of you are just so close, you're like a unit on your own. And since I'm in the swimming club, a good part of my time goes into backing you five up, and it's not like I'm off in the sewing club with some of my own good friends from time to time or anything. As far as regular social-ness goes, you lot are pretty much all I've got. But, because I'm not competing or even swimming in general, I'm on the outside."
"I know how that feels." I perk up my head.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I've always been a little bit like that myself. Back when we were kids, I was the newcomer to the team, so Haru, Makoto and Nagisa were kind of already friends and whatever, and I basically spent a year trying to break into their friendship by making us a relay team." I'd never really thought of it that way. But when it comes out of his mouth, it makes a lot of sense. "Then Australia was crap, to start with. I didn't speak good English and no-one there spoke any Japanese outside of ninjas and sushi. So I was just pushed out. No-one even tried to make friends with me, and if I tried to make friends with them, I might have been able to manage a sentence before I ran out of words."
"I guess moving away from home young is hard, huh?"
"Well, it wouldn't have been so bad. But it was just the language. By the time I got the hang of it all, everyone was already in groups, and I was all depressive over my time not improving and whatever like that. So, I didn't really make any friends there."
"But, at Samezuka, it must have been better, right?"
"Well, it could have been. In retrospect, it's as much my fault as anyone else's that I was on the outside there. I didn't really open up to anybody and acted all aloof and holier-than-thou like I didn't want to be spoken to. But still, I felt alone in the crowd."
"What about your roommate, though?"
"Ai? He's quite the character, isn't he?"
"Quite the character? He worshipped you!"
"Search me if I know why."
"As if you don't!"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, there are thousands of reasons he'd hook onto you. For one, you're a talented swimmer, and he's… well, aspiring." Onii-chan pushes back a laugh.
"You really know how to put things, don't you?"
"I guess. But anyway, you're a goal for him. And secondly, you're talented in lots of other ways. You're smart, and you're fluent in English, so you're basically this tower of multitalented-ness and whatever. And I think he might have had a bit of a crush on you, as well."
"You think?"
"Well, yeah. What's not to like? I mean, we just discussed your hero-worship-worthy qualities, and you're certainly not shy on muscles."
"You would know, wouldn't you?"
"As it happens, yes. But really, why wouldn't he have crushed on you?"
"Because I was a terrible person! I was self-destructive, and aimed to take as many people down with me as I could. I was cruel, cold and vindictive and I pushed everyone away. What the hell is there to love about that?"
"You know, troubled boys can be incredibly attractive."
"I will never understand that."
"There's some appeal in the idea that you can fix them, or help them or whatever. It doesn't work very often, but it's the concept that's attractive."
"So do you think Ai wouldn't have a crush on me now that I'm stable?"
"No. I think he was attracted to you anyway, and from there you being troubled just made him want to help you, because he loved you to start with. Or something like that. So now he'd be happy you're back to your stable, happy self."
"You seem to have put a lot of thought into this."
"Call it woman's intuition."
"Well, whatever you call it, neither of us are really alone in the crowd anymore, are we?"
"You sure about that? Feels like it to me."
"You can be thick, for all your woman's intuition. You do realise you're literally talking to me about how much you feel like we're not getting along?"
I just kind of smile. "I guess. I suppose we can be alone together if it comes to that, can't we?"
"I guess we can."
"So anyway, you said you'd go after I did. So shoot! You must have something you need to get off your chest."
"I did, didn't I? The whole 'lonely' thing?"
"That was my problem, and you were kind of just like 'I get like that too!' That's not fair! You've got to go off the cuff, like I had to!"
"Well, then… do I have any problems?"
"Come on, don't be coy! What was on your mind today on the train?" He tenses up, and my infamous woman's intuition goes off. "Come on. I can talk, so you can talk."
"This is private!"
"I thought the same about my problems! Come off it. You're the one who suggested this, anyway."
"Was I?"
"Were you even conscious at the time?"
"Barely."
"You see, now I'm worried. You know I'm not letting this go until I get an answer."
"Well, you're not getting one, so let it go."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"No." Hah! Learnt that one from Nagisa. "Goddamn it! Since when does that actually work?"
"Well, if that's how you feel about it, I guess I'll just have to force it out of you, won't I?"
I'm half afraid he's not going to relent, but he breathes out heavily and shrugs with a sort-of can't-help-it vibe. "Okay. But remember, you very literally asked for it."
"It can't be that bad."
"I'm gay."
"So? Is that all?" If he'd intended to drop a bombshell on the conversation, he failed. Hugely.
"Dear God, no. That's not the problem, that's just a setup point. I mean, Jesus, I've been to all-male boarding schools for five years. If I was uncomfortable about that, I would have sorted it out by now, make no mistake."
"You've got a point. But if your problem isn't the whole gay-and-shy-about-it thing, then why exactly did you tell me that?"
"You could react a little more violently. I did just tell you a pretty significant thing."
"What's significant about it? You're still Onii-chan. Except, now, you just happen to be attracted to guys. I can empathise with that. Guys are hot. Like, objectively. I guess now I know where my muscle thing comes from, don't I?"
He laughs and smiles at me. "Well, I'm not quite as bad as you, but I can appreciate well-muscled guys."
"As in, you like muscles. You find them attractive."
"Well, I don't know if I'd put it quite like that…" His face turns the same colour as his hair.
"If there is one thing you don't have to be shy about with me, it's muscles."
"This is true. But anyway…"
"Hold it, let me guess. You've got it bad for one of the guys and you don't think they sway that way."
"In a nutshell, yes."
"Which one? Ooh, I can't guess!"
"I would appreciate it if you didn't turn my problem into an episode of Jeopardy."
"Jeopardy doesn't work like this at all."
"That's not the point here."
"You don't get it, Onii-chan. This is just a girl thing. If you tell us you love someone, we want to guess who. That's just kind of the way we think."
"Okay, but I'm a guy, so I'd rather do it my way."
"Humour me."
He sighs. "Okay then. Fire away. You've only got four choices anyway."
"Well… the most natural match would be with Haruka-senpai?"
"Excuse me? So does that make you the third person in human history not to realise the he's practically married to Makoto?"
"Well, it's not that I haven't noticed. But I'm sure that hasn't stopped other people from crushing on them from time to time."
"Okay, whatever. But no, not Haru. Go again."
"It's obviously not Makoto-senpai either, since you seem to ship them as much as I do…"
"Excuse me?" He seems disturbed by the assertion.
"Come off it, we all do. Everyone does."
He just laughs. "They make it easy, don't they?"
"Do they ever. But anyway, Nagisa's just not your type. I just really can't see you with him." I keep it to myself that Nagisa's my type. I don't know how he'll respond to that. I think he's still protective of me. "So that leaves… Wait, no way."
"Yes way."
I think being candid is the best thing here. "Just so you know, I think Rei's going for Nagisa. I'm not trying to discourage you or anything, but, hey, the more you know, right?"
"I'd considered the possibility."
"I don't have any proof, or anything. But I just think so."
"Well, thanks for the heads-up."
"Not a worry. But even if it turns out to be that way, don't go beating yourself up. For one thing, you can talk to me about it. And for another, you have no shortage of options. I think we can objectively agree you're a fairly attractive guy. You could pull plenty of people."
"I think that's a compliment?"
"It is." I get up to leave. "It's gotten late. Goodnight!"
"Night. Oh, Gou. Wait."
I grab the doorframe and lean backwards as I turn myself around to face him. "What?"
He seems to grapple with the words for a moment. "Thanks… for being so supportive. When you said you're still Onii-chan… it means a lot to me. I'm glad to know nothing's changed."
I take a few gentle steps forward. "Of course nothing's changed. Why would it?" I bend at the waist and wrap my arms around him tight. "You're still the same person, and really, what does it matter to me who you sleep with?"
"I love it when our conversations suddenly turn awkward. Did you think I wanted to hear that from my kid sister?"
"I thought we said I wasn't a kid anymore." I push my arms a little bit tighter, just before I let go, and kiss him on the cheek. Not as in romantic, sisterly. "Goodnight, Onii-chan."
"Sweet dreams, Gou."
I look out my window and smile at the moon. I think today was worthwhile. I mean, maybe Rei-chan will say no, maybe he'll pick Gou-chan, maybe he's just not interested in romance right now. But at least it's not a secret anymore. I don't think I could have carried it much longer.
But I'm not really that mature. If he says no, I probably won't talk to him for a month. I didn't just confess for the formality of it, I confessed because I want a relationship. I don't need the answer right now, but I really want that answer to be yes. I don't know how I'd approach a no, really. I don't think I'd take it well.
I take a moment to consider all the little aspects there'd be to being together with Rei-chan. What would dates be like? Well, he'd never be late, that's my job. I feel like he'd be the head of the relationship. He'd be deciding what to do, where to go, and I'd be the one complaining that he doesn't understand what I want to do at all, even though I never really told him. And then, he'd probably challenge me to organise a date and I'd be all proud and 'I can totally do that' and then proceed to fail epically at actually doing it. But who pays? That's the problem with a relationship between two guys. There's kind of no precedent or set of social rules. It'd take a while to sort out the logistics, but we'd only have to do it once, I think.
There's a few other logistics we'd have to run, too. I'm not going to deny I'm imagined the two of us in a bedroom more than once getting up to fairly illicit activity. Well, illicit isn't quite right. But, shall we say, experimental? But, there are so many little details. Who goes in who? Where? With a guy and a girl, there's kind of an obvious choice to start with and you just get kinkier from there, but with two guys, there's no clear start point. I like the idea of being a bit more submissive than Rei-chan, but perhaps he's less assertive than I thought. Is it weird for the assertive one to end up on the bottom? It doesn't quite add up to me.
But that's not a thought I can let myself have right now. I can't think about that until Rei-chan and I are together to start with. So I do a little magic with my new CD and drown myself in Nana-chan. I decide to just listen to the songs in the boring, normal order until I get the names hooked up to the songs. The first song, VIRGIN CODE. Well, it's catchy, I'll say that for it. A good song to open with, but nothing stunning or out of this world.
But the second song, GUILTY. Well, put it this way – it's just the kind of song that suits those thoughts from earlier. I let it play through once just appreciating it, and I plan to let the tracks carry on, but it just takes up all my head space so I put on repeat for a little while. And I start hearing the lyrics in detail. Intimate, glorious detail.
And I wonder what it would be like if my relationship with Rei-chan was like this song. I would like it. I would like it a lot. I don't think it will be long after (and if) we officially hook up when we start getting physical with one another. I mean, we already have an emotional relationship, so it won't take us long to need something… earthier. But for now, I just let GUILTY take up my head space and watch on as my fantasies run away with me.
The fake bewitchment of the sweet trap: everything ends after the bar. I'm lured in by this smell like déjà vu and the ROCK YOU I get when you touch me. Will I get a ROCK YOU when Rei-chan touches me? I think so, and I can't wait to find out.
This breakout sets my head spinning and I'm held captive by this instinct. They taste more GUILTY together… I'm not entirely sure it's instinct that's driving me to Rei-chan, but at the minute, I just kind of want of him.
So, right now, TOUCH ME! If you can, CATCH ME! With force, KEEP ME! (Don't lose your mind)…
If you'd rather sin, YOU MANY, so do you want to, HOW MANY? The fascinating way you say NO, NO NO… Well, I hope he doesn't say no, but if he says yes first and then taunts me, I think that'd be hot. Sinning together sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?
A sweet voice whispers in secret – "Pretend you don't know you're blindfolded". This thrilling game tastes like honey. I'm drunk on you tonight… I don't know how I feel about blindfolds, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I've never been drunk before, but I think honey and Rei-chan make a good place to start.
YOU & ME aren't a dream anymore, and I KNOW it's a secret, but I've had enough of being tied down by law now… Nana-chan's pretty naughty when you give her the chance. I've always thought I was the same way. Now I'll just wait for the chance.
Yeah, whenever, FEEL ME! Get ready and FOLLOW ME! Boldly, SHOW ME! (So you can't stop?)
Behind your heart, an unexpectedly ambiguous attitude. That calculated 'NO, NO, NO'… Calculation is just Rei-chan's thing. I wonder if his unexpectedly ambiguous heart has a formula for being sexy? I think it'll just come naturally.
Even though it hurts, I'm addicted. Even deception is fine. My IMAGE+DAMAGE cross over. "We can't go back…" I don't want to go back. I want to be addicted, deceived, whatever. Images, damages, whatever. I'll take them all if I can have Rei-chan.
And I realise I have a bit of a problem. The pants I'm wearing were a bit too small anyway, and they really weren't equipped to deal with my present state of mind. So without thinking, they just kind of work their way off, and my shirt comes next because wearing a shirt and no pants is just weird. And then the choruses come back to end the song and I just kind of move with the rhythm.
So, right now, TOUCH ME! If you can, CATCH ME! With force, KEEP ME! (Don't lose your mind)…
If you'd rather sin, YOU MANY, so do you want to, HOW MANY? The fascinating way you say NO, NO NO…
Whenever, FEEL ME! Get ready and FOLLOW ME! Boldly, SHOW ME! (So you can't stop?)
Behind your heart, an unexpectedly ambiguous attitude. That calculated 'NO, NO, NO'…
Do it, do it, do it now! Do it now! Do it, do it, do it now! Let's move on…
Do it, do it, do it now! Do it now! Do it, do it, do it! You drive me crazy now!
A sharp breath and a crescendo and I've fixed my problem. I'm not entirely sure that was all the rhythm – I wanted to do that too. It makes me feel a little gross, sure. I mean, I just made a little movie in my head starring Rei-chan and I for my own pleasure (if that's the right way to put it), and it feels wrong that I use him like that, even if it's only in my head. But it doesn't mean I don't want him. I'm not that mature. I want him, and if I don't get him I'll have a tantrum first and sort out the consequences later. But at the minute, I'm all bar naked, so I go about collecting my pyjamas and reassembling them on my body. I nick out and go the toilet, partially because of a call of nature and partially to clean up after my little adventure, and then climb into my bed, leaving all these things for the future me to take care of and continue drowning myself in the rest of Nana-chan's album, careful not to let that song start playing again.
-Chapter 16 - A Good Day-
So Sunday comes around, and my alarm goes off at 8. I push my head into my pillow trying to pretend it's not morning yet, even though the sun's been up for about an hour by now, but then I remember I have stuff to do, throw myself out of bed and practically run to the shower. Getting halfway there, I realise I don't have anything to change into, run back to my room, and grab my clothes before heading back. I laid them out last night. Being just a little bit prepared can go a long way. It's not like it was hard or anything. It's only a tracksuit to go over my swimsuit, and I won't be wearing it long. So I climb into the shower, silently celebrating that nobody was already in it and tear my way towards the door. "Morning, Onii-chan." Gou calls out to me as I walk through the kitchen. "There's some toast if you want it."
"Thanks." I grab the toast and continue on my jog to the door. "I'm going out."
"Where?"
"Can't say."
"Why not?"
"Secret." Not wanting to be pestered into saying anything more, I don't bother turning around to continue the conversation, instead opening the door and picking up my pace. I don't why I'm so excited to get there. Well, no, I do know, but I'm kind of pretending to myself that I don't because otherwise I'll just kind of lose it if things don't go the way I played them out in my head last night. Noticing some brightly coloured paper in the mailbox, I pull out an envelope addressed to Gou. "Letter for you!" Without stopping, I throw it backwards, half-knowing she'd be standing right behind me to catch it.
"Oh. I probably just have to renew my Muscles Monthly subscription."
"That's weird. Bye!"
"Good luck, Onii-chan!"
"For what?"
"For whatever! Call it woman's intuition."
I laugh in response and wave brashly. I turn my wrist so I can check my watch and I see it's still only 8:10. I can get ready that fast? I need to use this talent more often. But anyway, I slow my pace and focus instead on the toast I'm carrying. I'm glad we had a big dinner last night. I'd be dying otherwise.
My arrival at the train station just manages to tie in perfectly with my last bite of toast. I'm a little earlier than I anticipated, but hey. Better early than late. Although, it doesn't matter so much. I should still get to school with plenty of time. I take a seat on one of the benches lining the side of the station, because 8:15 on a Sunday is just one of those weird times no-one really wants to catch a train, so they're all free. I think I see somebody at the other end of the station, and they seem familiar, but my eyes aren't quite as strong for distance as they could be, so I can't see any details. I blame studying. Having books all of 30 centimetres away from your face all the time cannot possibly be good for distance vision. It bothers me that I feel like I know this person, but I decide to just ignore for the time being and focus on what's in front of me.
And suddenly there's a train in front of me, and unsurprisingly, both me and that other bloke from the other end of the station get on it. I take a moment and wonder if we're going to the same place, decide I doubt it, and just sit down and ignore all this stupid misgivings I've suddenly contracted. I pull out my phone, because it's only 8:20 and normally it only takes 30 minutes to get to school. Hey. I'll probably be about 10 minutes early. That OK?
Can someone remind me why I felt compelled to do that? Why on earth would Rei have a problem with me being early? Whatever. The message has sent, so there's not exactly anything I can do about it. I hope it doesn't make me seem desperate.
I'm already here. I came early to warm up, so don't worry. Okay. He's really enthusiastic. But, he does take his time warming up, so that's probably for the best. That's not a complaint, by the way. It can be fun to watch. He's fairly flexible, and has no qualms about being seen from any and every angle, so if you get the right one, there's a really good view of every little detail. The train pulls up at Iwatobi and knocks me out of my reverie. I get off the train, and that's that. It's 8:35. It shouldn't take me 15 minutes to get to school. I'll be there in no time. But I decide to take it at a light jog for a warm up. I'm not really into stretches. Although it probably wouldn't hurt to stretch a little every once in a while. It's not good when you get too tight, and when you're constantly exercising and gaining muscle, losing muscle, so on, you tighten up really, really fast. It wouldn't take a swimmer long to be unable to lift their leg past knee height if they didn't maintain a properly balanced routine. I never really considered flexibility as important in my routines, though. Because, for as a swimmer, I really only need flexibility in a few areas – in the shoulders, so I can do different kinds of stroke and along the insides of the legs so they can go far enough apart to kick strongly. Other than that, strength is the major concern.
By the time I've considered the virtues of being made of rubber, I've arrived at the school pool. I didn't even know we could do this on weekends. Rei must have arranged ahead of time. God, he is enthusiastic, isn't he? I don't have to bother changing, because I thought about things first and wore my swimsuit under my tracksuit. So I just kind of let the tracksuit fall off and I'm ready to get in. Rei comes out of the change room, also in a swimsuit. "Thanks for doing this, Rin-senpai."
"Don't think twice about it." I take a few steps towards the pool. "I take it you're already warm."
"Of course I am. I couldn't possibly be not warm after coming here an hour early for specifically that reason."
"No reason to get so defensive about it. Now hurry up and get in." I lead by example, turning around and diving in. He follows in fairly short order, but he takes his time on the dive. This is good – it gives me a chance to analyse his form (that sounds kinda dubious, doesn't it?) His bend is good – he gets nice and close to his legs, so he has plenty of power in his launch. His launch is equally good – he pushes outward and upward in the right proportion, so he covers good distance before he even hits the water and also has plenty of time to make sure he's body's shaped and curved right for pushing in easily (I'm really going well with dubious internal monologue quotes today). He continues smoothly, getting about 10 metres or so before he even starts with his stroke. Well, nothing much to critique there. "Solid dive there, Rei. Not bad considering you couldn't even swim a year ago."
"Diving was simple. Some basic theoretical calculation was all it took. I was already good at jumps and angles and so on from pole vaulting."
"So you were a pole vaulter before they conned you onto the swim team?"
"Yeah. Have I never told you that?"
"No. But I guess it's not really relevant, is it?"
"That's true. But yes, I'd already joined track here, but Nagisa convinced me I should try swimming instead."
"Nagisa seems to do a lot for us, doesn't he?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, the swim team was his idea, wasn't it? And he conned you onto it…"
"I don't know if I'd call it conning."
"I would. I wasn't there, but it's Nagisa. I'd definitely call it conning."
"Well, I guess…"
"Whatever it was, Nagisa seems to have masterminded everything to get it the way it is now."
"You're right, I suppose. I would posit there are some things that were well beyond his control, but he has been a bit of lynchpin, hasn't he?" Rei looks like he's blushing, but that could just be the sun, and the water, and the angle, and all that stuff.
"What are we being sentimental for? I thought we were workshopping your stroke. My fault. Let's carry on. Is there a kickboard around?"
"Right on the side of the pool there. There's a buoy, too. I thought they'd be useful."
"Good call. The guys probably couldn't teach you too much about butterfly, could they?"
"Not really, but I learned a fair bit from Coach Sasabe right before prefecturals."
"Well, we're probably still at a stage where working on your leg and arm work one at a time is more productive than trying to hit your form on the whole."
"I have studied the theory extensively, but I'm not entirely sure my body has gotten the details going right yet."
"We'll have you going like a pro in no time." I push away from the lane barrier and indicate for him to have at it. He pulls back against the wall, grabs the kickboard and pushes off. I pay close attention to his hip area, because that's his most important part (dubious, still – I've got to stop this). His flexibility has its downsides. He can't control his back and hips properly, and his kick puts too much strain on his spine. "Try and keep your lower back still and just use your legs. You'll lose a little power, but your spine will hold out longer." I see him make a marked effort to oblige, but he goes a bit wrong – he tenses up his hips and his kick becomes stiff and awkward. "Relax your hips. If your body's tense, you'll have to fight harder to stay afloat, and you'll tire out fast." He relaxes, and his spine starts getting loose again. Not as loose as before, and I suppose it's not loose enough to be dangerous, so I just let it slide. Not everyone swims with the same form, so I have to make sure not to make this a 'Rin's butterfly' indoctrination session. Rei's body is different so he's going to swim different. And apparently, one difference is his loose kick. But I still feel a bit better for having corrected that – that range of motion at that intensity and consistency, in water, and Rei would have been facing back problems before he graduated. "Good. You're very consistent. That's enough for now. I've got a judge."
"Was that productive, Rin-senpai? I feel like you more or less said to do something and then stop doing it."
"Well, it was a little bit like that. But you're using you're back less now, which is good, because with the amount you were using it, you could hurt yourself. And we don't really want that, seeing as you have to swim the relay and all."
"I'm not going to start this."
"Start what? You're in the relay. We've established this."
"You've established that. We'll wait and see if it's a good idea in due time."
"Whatever, you're in the relay. But, moving on. Your kick is strong, but you could afford to do a little bit of working out to get some more power in your legs. But that's really a detail. As far as form and technique, you're doing very well. You sure you only learnt to swim last year?"
"If you don't believe me, ask Nagisa, or Haruka-senpai, or Makoto-senpai, or Gou." I wonder why Gou came last? "I swam like a hammer."
I laugh, but banter's over. "Now, I'm going to guess ahead here. Your shoulders are probably going to have the same issues as your back did. If you're too loose, you run the risk of damaging your joints. So make sure you're not over-rotating your shoulders. If it feels like you have to relocate your shoulders to make the circle, you can stand to move your arms outward a little to make a more natural path for your arms."
"I'd never thought of it that way. All the books say that the tighter your circle, the faster you go."
"There's more to swimming technique than time, you know."
"Of course. We can't afford to get injuries every other day."
"Well, the way you swim right now is so power-centric, you'll eventually get yourself an injury you'll never recover from."
"That's why I stretch so much. I can keep my body flexible, I can make more severe movements without threatening my joints."
"That's true. I guess you can afford things I'd call dangerous being suppler." I'm still talking dubiously, but that one was out loud. Regrettably.
"So, are there any other issues with my kick?"
"I think it would pay to point your feet a little harder. It streamlines you, and I'm sure I don't have to explain why that's a good thing."
"I can't point my feet much harder than I do."
"If this was ballet, I'd recommend you shove your feet under a piano, but that's dangerous. Try to point your toe, as well. It'll pull your feet down."
"I never understood the difference in between pointing feet and pointing toes. Is there any?"
"Pointing your foot comes from the ankle, and you push your foot flat so it's like an extension of your leg. Pointing your toes comes from the joints underneath them, so your foot kind of curls in on itself."
"You make it sound painful."
"I thought I already said that dancers use pianos to improve their pointe."
"Do they really?"
"Yeah. I had this friend in elementary school and his older sister was always doing screwed-up stuff to try and make her body better for ballet."
"Like what?"
"She'd weight her legs while she slept to improve her turnout and sometimes she tied herself to the bed with a rope to get her legs hitting the positions right."
"That's horrifying! Why did she do that?"
"Call it dedication to the craft. Why are we here right now?"
"Extra training on a Sunday is a far cry from ropes and weights to gets your legs working right."
"It's the same principle. That's just a detail. Anyway, grab the buoy. I want to see how your arms are going." So he does, and he takes off on some laps, doing his best to keep his legs from letting go of the buoy. "If you can't operate your arms and legs independently, we're going to have problems. Fight a little harder to keep your legs still!" He obliges, and suddenly, his legs freeze right up, but he doesn't tense enough to start sinking. I smile. He's learning. I turn my attention to his arms (in more ways than one). I'm not going to lie – I'm enjoying this. Getting a chance to examine his body this closely is a rare opportunity and I intend to make full use of it (while also making sure I'm helping him improve his form). "Turn your hands down so you pull more of the water. The more you push back, the more you go forwards." I'm sure he knows this. He's probably just never made the connection. His stroke turns a little awkward as he tries to rotate his arms to suit my instructions. He'll get the hang of it. He starts moving faster, if only a little. But I think any improvement will satisfy him. "Try to keep your shoulders still. You're thrashing a little." He'll go off course his swings his arms wildly like that. He straightens up, and his speed goes up a little as he starts swimming straighter. "Good. Keep going like that." I let him go through another few laps and then I'm satisfied. "Okay. We're good."
"What next, Rin-senpai?"
"Quit the senpai."
"I'm getting that a lot recently."
"What?"
"A lot of people have asked me to stop using honorifics lately. First Nagisa, then Gou all of thirty seconds later and now you."
"Well, it's weird. I think we're close enough that we can call each other by name, without bothering with all the who's-above-who that comes with honorifics."
"I guess we are… Rin."
"That's more like it. Now back to business. Five laps with both arms and legs, and I'll assess your turns while we're at it. Keep in mind all the things we've checked in on so far."
"Hai!"
"Don't sound so formal."
"Sorry. You got it."
"That's better." And just like that he takes off. He's improved already. "Good! Don't let yourself get too tense! We're coming to the turn – use your legs as much as you can!" He turns gracefully and impacts the wall at the perfect angle. But he doesn't push hard enough, so he starts to stroke when he should still be gliding. "Push harder on the next turn! I know you've got more strength than that." He pushes through another lap, and I find myself struggling to keep up with him because of this sort-of improvised side-stroke thing I'm doing so I can still see him. "You're not breathing in enough! You can't starve your muscles of air!" He can hold his breath for a really long time, evidently, but it's better not to if you can help it. I make a mental note that we have to fix that. He makes his second turn and pushes of harder than the last one, but still not as hard as he could. "If you breathe better, you'll have more strength for the turn. Focus on taking deep breaths!" He obliges and I let the few technical errors that show up in his stroke fly by – breathing is important. I notice that he's not breathing deeper, but more often. I let him get to the next turn before I scold him again. He pushes off harder again, but there's still room to improve. "Don't breathe more often, breathe deeper. Use your diaphragm and really fill up your lungs." He manages to do it right on this lap, and he becomes noticeably faster. "Good! Keep it up! Now, I want a serious push on this last turn!" He rolls in and rotates around, pushing off the wall at full power. Now that's a turn. "That's what I like to see! Now go all out!" I didn't really need to say it – he's about a body length ahead of me and my awkward stroke. In all of twenty-five seconds, he's touched the other wall and stopped. "Excellent work, Rei. We'll just have to fix your breathing, and you'll be going like a torpedo in no time flat."
"Thanks for this, Rin-sen… Rin."
"I've already told you not to worry about it. Now, we need to cool down. Out of the pool. I want you teach me some of your stretches. Being a bit looser could improve my form."
"Well, okay. Just let me go and grab my glasses." He runs to the change room, and I towel myself dry before putting my tracksuit back on. I don't bother zipping up the top, though. It's not like I have anything to be shy about (in fact, quite the opposite. Showing off muscles is one thing I am good at). Rei comes back out, wearing both glasses and tracksuit, fully zipped and everything. I'm a little bit disappointed. Whatever.
"Well, let's get stretching. While we're at it, what was that thing you wanted to talk about?"
I was kind of hoping he'd forget. I was intending to ask if he would approve of my going out with Gou, but after Nagisa's confession, I'm not sure if I still want that. I wrestle with a few possibilities. Do I carry on as planned, and ask for his blessing even though I'm not sure I'll need it? Do I say I've sorted it out, and I don't need his help anymore, thanks anyway? Or do I tell him the whole truth, and get his opinion? "We'll start gentle. Put your leg against the fence and try and reach your toe. Hold for thirty seconds on each leg." I take a moment to try and justify which choice is the best theoretically, at which point some part of me says to hell with formulae, and decides to spill everything. "Can I be honest with you, Rin?"
"Of course you can. I thought that was the sort of dynamic our relationship had. You were the first one I told about Australia. So I think it's fair that I'm the first one you tell about whatever it is you're thinking about."
"I'm just… having some trouble with a very personal decision." We change legs.
"That's not much to go off. I could bear with a few more details over here."
"Well… I have to make a choice. And I can't decide."
"You're not very good at being specific."
"Next stretch. Stand straight with your hands extended above your head, and then lean forward without bending your back until your hands touch the fence. Hold for thirty seconds then bend your knees. Hold for ten seconds, and then roll your spine upwards into the first position. Stand up straight. Repeat three times." We start this stretch, Rin taking care to follow my movements carefully. This one's a bit of a process. "But, this decision… I have to choose between Nagisa and Gou."
Rin chokes a little over that one. "Okay. I didn't exactly see that coming." We bend our knees.
"It's been harder than I realised to try and make the choice." We roll our spines upward and I notice how feminine the motion looks, but also how natural it looks on Rin. We stand ourselves up straight, ready to repeat the stretch.
"Well, as Gou's older brother, it's kind of my job to try and get you onto Nagisa." We bend over again. "But, that being said, if I had to pick someone to be Gou's first boyfriend, I'd probably pick you."
"Well, thanks, I guess." We bend our knees again.
"The way I see it, you're nice and responsible, so you'd never be late to a date or anything. You're also fairly perceptive, so you'd be able to make her happy and pick good spots for dates." In the middle of his sentence, we roll our spines again, and it creates an unnatural but nonetheless pleasing crack in his voice. He seems to have put a lot of thought into this. Is it really all for Gou? Is that how siblings care for each other? "And you picked out that dress she bought yesterday, right? At least I know she'd never go underdressed."
"She showed you the dress?" We stand up.
"It was beautiful." Bending down again.
"That was made me think I wanted to date Gou. That was what I meant when I said I had something to talk about. I intended to ask your blessing to date her."
"But?" We bend our knees, for the third of three stretches.
"But then, on the train on the way home, Nagisa and I had a little discussion." We roll up and straighten for the last time. "Next stretch. Sit on the ground and put the soles of the feet together. Hold your toes together and try to lie flat on the ground without bending your spine. Hold for thirty seconds. Repeat three times." I push down, and go significantly further than Rin does. That was to be expected.
"So you and Nagisa are on the train…"
"And he talks about Mizuki Nana, his favourite singer, and her childhood, and says her music is good because she went through hell for her love. Then he says he wants to go through hell for me, too, and kisses me."
"Like, on the lips? On a train? Jesus. That child has no shame."
"The train was deserted. It was really weird, actually, now I think about it. But no, not on the lips. Just the cheek." We straighten up, and then push down again.
"Well, obviously, he's head over heels for you."
"That doesn't make the decision any easier."
"Why should you try to ask Gou out and risk getting shot down when you know you've Nagisa as a sure-fire option?"
"You're being protective of Gou, aren't you?"
"I'm her Onii-chan. It's part of the job." We straighten up. Last time for this stretch. Pushing my way back down, I reply.
"So there's my predicament. I think I love them both, so I can't decide who I love more." His head was already low, so it's hard to tell, but Rin just let his head hang. Was that disappointing for him to hear? We straighten up again. "Next stretch. We can do this one as a partner stretch." We go into the formation I propose while I dictate it. "Put your legs apart, and line up your feet with your partner's. Push together so that your legs go further apart." Suddenly, we both seem conscious of the fact this involves pushing our crotches together, so neither of us pushes too hard. "Lean forward onto your partner's shoulder." Why did I choose such an intimate stretch in this situation? "Hold for a minute."
Rin rests his head on my shoulder, and whispers almost straight into my ear. "Why don't you love me for a little while instead?" I try to move away, but in this position, unless both of you try to move, you're pretty much stuck this way. "I'm Gou's brother, so I'm like a male version of her, right? So, I'm half Nagisa and half Gou. What's not to love?" He sounds like he could be crying, although he don't think he is.
"It's not quite that simple."
"Why can't it be? Maybe I'm just selfish, but I really wanted you to love me anyway. So, if you decide you can love me, it'll be like loving Gou and Nagisa at the same time for you, and it'll also be a dream-come-true for me. So, why not? Even if it's just a little while, so you can make up your mind, why don't you love me?" He makes it sound very inviting.
So I cave. "I can't make any promises. I can't say it'll be forever. I can't say I won't choose Nagisa or Gou or anybody else over you in due time. But for now, I will. Just for a little while, I can love you." And suddenly, both of us push in harder with our legs, and almost involuntarily our arms reach around each other. And we hold the stretch for much longer than minute, but neither of us really counts or cares.
-Chapter 17 - Everybody Hates Mondays-
Ugh. Monday. I've never liked Mondays. But this Monday in particular promises to be a shocker. Today'll be the first time I've seen Haru since the movies. And I'm not entirely sure I want to. And I don't know if he wants to see me either. He couldn't possibly have chosen already, could've he? It's only been two days. I hope that Rin and I are worth more to him than that. Oh, well, I hope I am, at least. I'm not so concerned about Rin, for my part. But still, I think two days isn't anywhere near enough. And I think that there'll be some fraught air between Haru and me before he makes up his mind. Not to mention how awkward it'll be with Rin around. But we'll manage.
Maybe not together, though. For the first time in a while, I don't have the inclination to go and check whether he's gotten out of the bath. And looking up towards his house, it doesn't look like he had the inclination to take one. That's the first time in forever. But I assume that he's capable of making it to school on his own devices, so I head off alone. "Makoto?"
"Good morning, Tamura-san." I smile at the old woman.
"You're not going to school with Haruka today?"
"He… had to go in early for some catch-up lessons, and I was going to go with him, but I overslept." I make up the lie in a rush hoping Haru doesn't choose this exact moment to walk past.
"Oh. Well, say good morning to him for me."
"I will. Have a nice day!" And with that I take off. And I get to be about 500 metres down the road when I realise the huge hole in my lie. Haru is going to have to walk past Tamura-san at some point. She might get suspicious, but I don't think she's the kind to pry. So I shake my head and just keep walking. And for once, I'm actually at school on time, but I'm also at school alone, and that kind of sucks the joy out of it. Rin's also on time. So I just kind of gravitate towards him like he's a surrogate Haru.
"Morning, Makoto."
"Morning, Rin. You're in a good mood." He is. He's actually smiling. It's kind of weird.
"Yesterday was a good day, that's all."
"Oh? What happened?"
"That's not exactly your business, Makoto. No offence, but it was a little bit private." Since when is Rin secretive? "But never mind me, where's Haru? I thought you two were joined at the hip or something."
"He should be coming soon enough."
"You realise, without you, he's probably just going to spend all day in the bath."
"Well, I had a look, and there was no steam coming out his window like there normally is, so I don't think he was even in the bath to start with."
"Is there a water shortage? Since when does Haru not take a bath?"
"Since this morning, apparently." Like he was on some sort of cosmic cue, Haru slides the door open and sees the two of us sitting together and he gets really edgy over it. He half sits, half falls into the empty chair in front of us.
"Oh, there you are, Haru. Morning."
"Morning." He says it like it's not morning at all. And it's certainly not a good one.
I take a close look at his eyes and realise he looks like he hasn't slept at all for about a week. "You look terrible, Haru. Have you slept?"
"I'm fine. Just a little under the weather."
"If you say so." Like hell. He's in some kind of turmoil. But there's really nothing I can do about it. I am half the turmoil, if I'm not wrong (and I'm not), and Rin's the other half, so this mustn't be exactly comfortable for him. The bell rings and we all walk to our respective seats and just kind of sit down like it was any other day. Ama-chan-sensei walks in, and we do the whole stand-bow-sit thing, and she calls the roll. It looks like Haru only had enough in him to hold out through that. He's fallen asleep on his desk before class even started. I consider waking him up, because it's safe to say I'm a lot gentler than any of the teachers will be. But he looks like he needs it, so I just prop one his books over his face so it's not so tragically obvious and let him rest. I'll wake him before our first class starts, or with any luck, the bell will. All sleep is good sleep, yes?
And I wonder if I can do anything to end all this. I hate just sitting here, knowing he's agonising over his choice in private, and then having to pretend everything's fine for the rest of us. I can't take back the kiss and just keep pretending, because even if I say I'm over it and I'm happy for him to have his own choice or whatever sappy lie I come up with, he'll know it's still a lie. I can't help him make the choice – just play that sentence over in your head a couple of times. It's a pretty dumb prospect. I can't do anything, and I hate it. What's all this love worth it just sits here useless? The only other thing I can think of is to ask Rin to help him. But that could backfire in so many ways, so I hold onto that one as a last resort. I just sigh. I'm pretty useless, aren't I? Why is it, whenever I really want to, I can never do anything for Haru?
The bell rings and I go to ask Makoto why he didn't wake me up when I remember he's the reason I fell asleep in the first place. This decision's going to kill me. I can't concentrate because it demands my full attention every waking moment. I can't sleep because it screams in my head, beating at the sides of my brain. I can't eat because it just sits in the bottom of my stomach and rots, so anything that went down would probably just come back up again. I probably can't even swim.
I wonder what exactly it is I mean when I say that. It's not like I'm physically incapable, although I'd be pretty poor right now, because I'm starved and fatigued. I remember regionals last year. When Rin said he'd given up. I wanted to give up too. But I don't know anymore if it was because it was Rin that gave up or because just one of us did. I want to swim with Rin. I don't know anymore if, when I said that, I meant "Rin specifically" or "everybody, of whom Rin happens to be a part". I don't know anymore if my feelings are just for Rin or if they're for everybody and I just never noticed because everyone else was always there. I try to picture my life right now without certain people.
I start easy. I imagine life without Ama-chan-sensei. That's not too hard. We just have to find a new advisor. And Makoto would have to tell our homeroom teacher I'm not a girl. Again. I imagine if Gou'd never joined the swim club. We wouldn't have made regionals, but in the end, if I'd never gotten to know her, I wouldn't miss her. I try to picture Rei staying on the track team. He would have carried on pole vaulting and whatever and the swim club never really would have made it off the ground. But if I'd never met him, I wouldn't miss him. I try to take Nagisa out. I imagine if that one time his sisters replaced his swimsuit with theirs, he actually did quit swimming for good. Our relay team wouldn't have existed, but I only wanted to swim free, so that wouldn't have bothered me anyway. I think, if I'd never swam that relay with Nagisa, I wouldn't miss him. I look to front of the class and stare at the back of Rin's head. I don't have to picture life without him. I've lived it. When he went to Australia, it sucked and all, but life just kind of went on. If I hadn't met him and raced that winter, I think, over time, I would have just moved on. It was only because he came back and dangled himself in front of me like a carrot that I fell for him. I try to imagine life without Makoto. But no matter what angle I take, I can't. I try imaging we'd never met, but I don't even remember how we met, it was so long ago. I try to imagine meeting him then just being classmates who called each other Surname-kun, but there's no way for me to make that scenario make sense in my head. I try to imagine him going to Australia instead of Rin but this world in my head just twists around itself until I'm in Australia with him. No matter what I try, Makoto is always there. Is that why I never noticed I love him? Did I only notice I love Rin because he wasn't there? Now, when we're sitting together-but-apart, is the only reason I realise I love Makoto and want to lean over and pull him onto me because until I make up my mind, it's like he isn't there? I love Makoto, but still, I can't deny I love Rin. But now he's a part of my everyday, I'm not so sure it's love. Not the same way. I can't decode all of these feelings yet. My grandma always said you can rely on an old friend's judgement, so I decide to ask the water.
-Chapter 18 - Just the Way I'm Built -
The swim club meets that afternoon…
'Okay, one last time trial each and we'll be done for today!" I call out to the five guys madly swimming laps in the pool, some with kickboards, some with buoys, some just going for it. They've been at it non-stop for about an hour and a half now. Their endurance has come a long way. But we pull them out and line them up, Haruka-senpai first, then Makoto-senpai, Nagisa, Rei and Onii-chan last because he wants to do 100 metres in each stroke. "Haruka-senpai! 3, 2, 1, GO!" He dives in to the weird-sounding click our stopwatch makes. And all of us know right away that something's not right. He's slow, and almost clumsy. It's like the pool's trying to push him back out. It's really bizarre to watch, actually. He makes the turn, but it looks like he's trying to stick to the wall. Another fifty awkward metres later, he pulls himself out of the water and I hand him a towel. "50:97". I frown. "Are you feeling okay?" He doesn't look okay. He's looking really gaunt, actually. It's kind of freaky.
"I don't care about my time." But there's something in the sharpness of his voice and the way he goes and runs back to the change rooms that makes me think that he just might care a little bit.
I look at the other four, and we all nod, silently vowing to cheer him up. "Makoto-senpai, you're next." He jumps in and curls up against the wall. "3, 2, 1, GO!" He pushes off powerfully like always, but he seems to run out of stamina quickly. He makes the first fifty metres the fastest I've ever seen him do it, but slows down tragically after the turn. It feels like it takes him three times as long to make the second half. He touches the wall to that awkward stopwatch click. "58:39".
"Not my best." He smiles, somewhat bitterly. He heads after Haruka-senpai to the change room, but not as brashly.
"Well, we are at the end of a session. We'd best take these with a pinch of salt. Nagisa, you're up!" Makoto-senpai pushes out of the pool, and Nagisa bends over the block. I try not to look as the muscles tighten across his sides, but it's hard. Like, really hard. "3, 2, 1, GO!"
He takes off like a torpedo. At least someone's going well today. Let me rephrase that: at least someone's not going badly. Nagisa's just kind of his normal form. I suppose consistency is good? But he really should be improving. "1:06:03. You need to speed up just a little, Nagisa. We should talk about your regime."
"Okay. Let's the two of us hang back a bit after practice and try and sort it out!" He sounds excited, running playfully back to the change room. And I try to stop my face from showing that I'm excited too.
"Rei, you're up." He takes to the platform and takes that flawless diving stance of his. "3, 2, 1, GO!"
And God he takes off like a torpedo. This is easily the fastest I'm ever seen him swim. I'm pretty sure he's already set for a PB. I look at Onii-chan, and he's smiling like an idiot. I'm not sure why, but I'm happy he's happy, so we all start smiling like idiots. Rei crashes against the wall so quickly I almost forget to stop the clock. "51:78! Where the hell did that come from? That's like, 3 seconds better than your PB!"
"I suppose I'm just on form today." He pushes out of the pool and him and Onii-chan share a smile of complicity as they pass each other. I connect the dots and suddenly I know what happened yesterday.
"Onii-chan, do you want your times after each stroke, or after you've finished?"
"At the end. Thanks for asking. No-one ever does."
"I'm your kid sister. This sort of thing is my job." We share our own smile of complicity as he prepares to take off. First, he does 100 metres freestyle. And he's as on-form as ever. In fact, I think a little bit more so. He just seems more concentrated than usual, or something. I record the time as he finishes the run. 48:01 - that's three whole seconds faster than Haruka-senpai. I'm still concerned about him. Turning into the wall, he pushes off for backstroke. He's not as fast as Makoto-senpai normally is, but Onii-chan is more consistent. He finds his way back to the wall. 57:30 – he took out Makoto-senpai today. He is really on – normally, he wouldn't be getting anywhere near these margins. He takes a turn at breast stroke. Nagisa's consistency seems to be serving him well, because Onii-chan's not notably faster. But he comes in just a little bit faster at 1:04:65. This last one is the interesting one – how will he go against Rei's ridiculous butterfly? He does that awkward arm-pull-leg-kick thing. I don't get how they do that. It just doesn't make sense to me. After 100 metres, he's taken 52 seconds neat. Wait, what? I do a mental double take and realise that Rei's time was faster. Only just, and maybe it's just a fluke, but does that mean Onii-chan is officially off the relay now?
"Good times all round, like always. 48 on freestyle, 57 and a half on back, minute-four on breast and 52 on butterfly. I have the full times written down, but that's the gist of the thing." I pass him my clipboard. "I have to go talk with Nagisa, but I expect to get the full story about you and Rei!" Running off, I pick up my bag and see Makoto-senpai and Haruka-senpai starting on the way home, except the latter's about 300 metres ahead. That's bizarre. Normally they're stuck together like those wacky split-and-share ice-creams they always buy. I guess they've just been split. But it's not my business, so I turn around to see Nagisa and Rei standing behind me. It's a bit weird though. It's like they can't lock eyes. Onii-chan arrives, and he and Rei walk off together, nothing but a non-committal "see you tomorrow" for goodbye.
"Well, it's time for our chat, Gou-chan! What do you think I should do?" We start walking towards the station, sharing our attention equally between holding our own conversation and subtly eavesdropping on Onii-chan and Rei's.
"First of all, we have to fix your diet. Getting you a good, strong source of energy and vitamins and whatnot will make you faster in the pool."
"Eh? I like my diet the way it is!"
"Call it an athlete's sacrifice."
"Is there anything else I could do?"
"We could up your exercise regimes to include full-on muscle workouts to see if we can't make you any stronger, but without a good diet plan backing it, I don't think that'll work too well anyway."
"I'll try that first, and then change my diet if I still have to."
"You will, trust me. I know a thing or two about muscles." We both fall silent, equally but separately desperate to hear a few words out for Rei and Onii-chan's conversation.
"I'm not so sure this'll work the way we think, Rin." Nagisa and I share a look of mutual confusion. What happened to Rin-senpai?
"Oh, relax. We literally only opened this door yesterday. And besides, I know it's just a gateway arrangement until you make up your mind. That's enough for me."
"But doesn't something sound wrong about that to you? I feel like I'm abusing you."
"Trust me, Rei, this hardly classifies as abuse." What the hell are they talking about? Nagisa goes to crash the conversation, but I catch him.
"If they know we're listening, they'll stop talking. Stay hidden!" Onii-chan turns around, and I clap my hand over my mouth, as much out of reflex as anything.
"Rin? What is it?"
"I just thought I heard something, is all. Never mind." They keep walking, and keep talking; all the while unaware that Nagisa and I are close enough to hear.
"But, abuse or not, there's something wrong about calling this love."
Nagisa and I both gasp, and then subsequently dash into a side street in a desperate attempt to hide. Seeing him closer up, I realise a few things. Even though I'm the girl, his gasp was higher. Secondly, he doesn't seem to gotten his air back. And thirdly, it was a different kind of gasp. Kind of strangled, like there was a rock in his voice box.
"Nagisa? You okay there?"
"Yeah." He tries to smile, but his eyes give him away, so he gives up on lying. "I just didn't think Rei-chan would feel that way." And suddenly all the rest of the dots connect. He's been after Rei, and Rei didn't think anything of anyone. Onii-chan was after Rei, and he just got there first. I'll bet that's what happened.
And it annoys me that I was caught up in the middle of it and didn't even notice.
"Tell me something, Nagisa." He looks up, and I notice he's on the edge of tears. I am, too. "I am not good enough to be a surrogate Rei? If I asked you to go out with me, would you say yes? Or is Rei the only one for you?" I try to push out more sentences, make my makeshift confession more formal. But instead of words I just get tears. "Just… tell me."
He works his arms around me and we wind up with our heads resting on each other's shoulders crying softly into each other's necks. "That's not how it is at all. Rei-chan's the only one I want, but it's not like that at all. You're plenty good enough. If anything, you're better than what I would deserve. If you asked me to go out with you, I'd be thrilled. I just can't love you like that, that's all."
"Why not?"
"It's just the way I'm built." He pulls back a little, smiles, and kisses me respectfully on the cheek. "I still love you, Gou-chan. Just not like that."
We pull out of each other and just smile. "Thanks for being so honest." I wipe my eyes dry, and decide I'll cheer Nagisa up. "And don't go jumping to conclusions. After all, Rei said there was something wrong about calling it love. And there was something about a choice. And gateway arrangement, whatever that's supposed to mean. So anything's up for grabs yet." I keep it to myself that Onii-chan has a crush on Rei. At this point, that would just be discouraging.
"Thanks, Gou-chan. You're a clear thinker when you want to be, aren't you?"
"When I want to be? What's that meant to mean? I'm always a clear thinker!"
And suddenly we both start laughing and all the awkwardness and the tears and the tension just evaporate and I'm so glad that nothing's changed.
Gou-chan and I walk the rest of the way to the station and I feel like we're a lot closer now. I had no idea she felt that way. "Hey, Gou-chan?"
"Yeah?"
"You know, I never even noticed. I'm sorry about that."
"Don't think twice about it. It's just natural. If they don't feel the same way, no-one ever notices anything."
"But still!"
"Seriously, drop it! I'm happy with things the way they are. I just had to know if they'd ever change."
"Well, everything else might change, but I don't think we will. As in, just us two. That makes me happy, you know. I think, in fifty years' time, I'll still be able say 'that Matsuoka Gou-chan. We're good friends.' Throw me in prison, throw me on the street, but no matter what, I'll still be friends with Matsuoka Gou-chan. And that makes me happy."
She smiles at me, and I notice again how pretty she is. "I've never put that much thought into it, but now that you say it, I guess I feel the same way."
I don't know what it is that's making me say this now, but it just kind of comes out. I just feel like Gou-chan doesn't hear this often enough, so I decide to say it. "You know, Gou-chan, I still think you're really pretty."
"Come off it."
"No! Seriously! And when you put on that dress that other day, you were the prettiest thing I've ever seen!"
"You really think so?"
"I really do! I don't think you get enough credit from all the guys at school for being pretty, because they're always spending their time chasing after all the girls who wear panties-pretending-to-be-skirts and push-up bras and paint on half-bred clown faces to make themselves look half as pretty as you are naturally. And you just sit there being pretty and not trying to show it off and being a nice, average girl and all with it, so they just kind of skim over you. It's not really fair, I think."
"You can't be serious."
"Dead set! You'll pull in a serious catch someday with looks like yours, Gou-chan!"
"If I'm so pretty, why is Rei still the only one for you?"
"I thought we dropped this."
"So did I."
"So why'd you bring it up?"
"I'm just curious."
"It's just the way I'm built, like I said."
"So where do you get off saying I'm pretty?"
"Even though I don't like girls, I'm still a guy. I know what guys like."
She hums for a little bit, trying to find a Gou-chan-style reply. "Touché."
"I just felt like you needed to hear it, that's all."
"Well, thanks. It's nice to get some complements every once in a while."
The train arrives, and we have to part ways because we live in opposite directions. "I'll see you tomorrow, Gou-chan! Have a nice night." We smile and wave at each other through the window. I sigh to myself now that I'm in private. This is the first time in forever that I've caught the train home without Rei-chan. And it just feels wrong. Isn't it supposed to be different? Aren't we supposed to have both felt the same for a long time and now that one of us has said it, we can just be a couple? I guess life isn't as simple as all that.
What if he does love Rin-chan? Gou-chan's right, Rei-chan did say that it was wrong to call it love. But that's not enough to reassure me. If the two of them are in love, then where am I left? What will everything be like? I can't bring myself to think about it, so, much to my own surprise, I pull out a textbook and start revising our maths work. I just can't understand all these letters-that-are-actually-numbers and these stupid functions and everything. There's something about it that's just not natural. Normally I would ask Rei-chan for help, but I guess that's off the table, isn't it? I sigh again. It looks like I can't run away from this. So I'll have to just face it head-on. Maybe Rei-chan and I just aren't meant to get together. I'll hold onto hope for as long as I can, but I still have to be ready for the possibility.
-Chapter 19 - It's Official-
I walk home alone, seeing Haru's shadow waver over the nuances in the road. I'm quietly worried about him. He looks terrible, and he didn't have anything prepared for lunch today. Since he cooks all his own food, I can't help but think that means he hasn't eaten anything in a while. I watch his back dissolve into the setting sun as he walks up the steps that separate our houses. "Makoto?" Tamura-san speaks out of a shadowy corner and I scream in my head from the shock.
"Oh, Tamura-san. You frightened me."
"Sorry, dear. I didn't mean to sneak up on you. But I want to talk to you."
"What about?"
"You lied to me this morning. Haruka came past after you, so obviously he did not have morning classes and he did not go on ahead."
"Well, yeah, I guess not." Laughing awkwardly, I scratch at a patch of skin near my left eye.
"Don't try and dodge the issue. I want to know why it is you lied to me."
"It's a little bit complicated. I don't want to get you involved in our affairs, Tamura-san."
"Nor do I want to be involved."
"Well, then, pardon my rudeness, but why are you asking?"
She sighs and walks up to me, putting a hand gently on my shoulder, even though she has to reach up a fair way to do it. "You're an honest child. Your name even means 'honest'. Never before have I been aware of you lying to anybody. I'm concerned, for both you and Haruka."
"I appreciate your concern, but this is really between me and Haru."
"If it's private, I have no intention of prying. But I just wanted to make sure that you know there are people who care about both of you, and they'll always be around to help you when you need it. So you have no need to struggle alone."
"Thank you for your concern, Tamura-san, but it's nothing that serious."
"You don't have to keep lying to me, Makoto. When you've been around as long as I have, you come to know a few things. And anything that could drive a wedge between you and Haruka most certainly is that serious." She smiles. "Run along, now. Have a nice evening."
"You too, Tamura-san." I bow and make the last few steps to my front door. She's right. I keep trying to pan it off, but it really is 'that serious', isn't it? I push the door open, not bothering to knock. "I'm home." It comes out more subdued than normal.
"Welcome back, Onii-chan!" Ran and Ren chorus a welcome in unison and each wrap themselves around one of my legs. I try to move in far enough to close the door, but there's no way to do it without accidentally throwing both of my siblings halfway down the hall, so I rub their heads a little and gently pry them off my legs.
"It's nice to see you guys, too." I laugh a little and manage an honest smile. There's something about those two that never fails to cheer me up.
"Oh, you're back, Makoto." Mum pops her head around the corner. "I'm just about to start dinner."
"Wait, Mum!" Without Ren and Ran shackling my legs, I can make it to her fast enough. "Haru didn't have anything for lunch today, so I'm worried he's not going to cook dinner for himself. Can I go and invite him down?"
"Really? Well, you boys are so active, we can't have you not eating. Drag him down here if he won't come!" With a little encouragement from my family, it seems a simple enough task, so I don't even bother changing.
Now that I've had a moment to think about it, I can't just leave him. What was I thinking? I don't care if it doesn't work, but I have to do something to help him. I can't just let him fall in under his own weight.
Making my way up the staircase, I don't bother knocking on the front door. I have a theory as to what Haru's doing. So I go to the back door, and it's unlocked as always, because there aren't any delinquents in the area anyway, so house theft's not much of a concern. I make my way in and sure enough, he's nowhere to be found on the first floor. So I go upstairs and see his uniform laid out in his clothes hamper. There's something black in there as well, but it's probably his phone or something. My theory was right. He's in the bath. So I push my way in.
"Haru? I'm worried you're not eating, so you're coming to dinner at my place. Don't worry, I'm not cooking. I'd probably detonate the kitchen anyway." I laugh audibly and I wonder if it sounds fake to him. It isn't, but that doesn't mean it can't sound it.
He's immersed himself in the water, but through the steam, all I can see is his face turned out the window. "Makoto… get in."
"Club was a half-hour ago, Haru. I'm not wearing my swimsuit."
"That's okay. I'm not either."
Makoto blushes furiously and I smile at him. "This is like the next step, isn't it?"
"Well, yeah, I guess, but so fast?"
"Nothing's set in stone yet."
"So then why the invitation?"
"Will you or won't you?"
"I'm more than happy to, but don't you think this is a little ill-advised? My family is waiting for both of us, and if you still can't make up your mind what are doing taking the next step?"
"I really don't care how ill-advised it is. At the minute, I just want you in the bath with me."
Somewhat begrudgingly, but also excitedly, he obliges. "But just for a little while, okay?" And he's taller than I realised, so we end up having to slot together like we're playing the most awkward (and sexy) version of Tetris ever created. We're both immersed from our navels down, but Makoto, being taller, reveals more than me. A fine trail of hair comes up barely visible in the vestiges of sunlight that bleed through the windows. It traces down his navel, leading my eyes to where the water and steam make things invisible. I notice that he is even, after all – as far as I can tell, he's perfectly symmetrical. We find ourselves locking eyes, and there's some sort of connection between us that won't let us go. I sigh internally and decide to just go for it.
"I'm not so sure my decision's going to be that hard after all."
"What do you mean by that?" He's tentative in asking.
It's about time I was honest with myself and with someone else. "I'm not so sure that I love Rin anymore."
"Anymore?"
"Well, it's just…" I trail off, not quite sure how to explain it.
"Just what?"
"I think the only reason I love him is because he was never there. But now that he's around every day, it's like he's just a friend again. I… just don't feel the same way anymore."
"So if I've always been around, shouldn't I be just a friend too?"
"That's a little bit different. I think, because you've always been around, I've never noticed that you were more than a friend."
"So, you invited me into the bathtub?"
"In short, I guess so."
"Is this helping your decision any?" He blushes and looks out the window, breaking our magic connection. He tries to shift his legs, but there's not really any room, so we sort of tumble over each other and his legs end up open with mine sitting between them. His legs are long enough that mine don't reach all the way, but we both turn beet red anyway.
"A lot, actually." I pull my legs back under myself so that our faces draw closer and closer together. Finding a more comfortable compromise for bathtub space, we find ourselves lying parallel against each other, my body pressed on top of his, the two of us sliding together like neighbouring puzzle pieces. I press my lips against his and wonder why the first time wasn't enough to convince me. "A whole lot."
Suddenly remembering we have an appointment to keep, we push ourselves off each other and leap out of the bathtub. We each try to be subtle about our examinations of one another, but there's not really any reason. There's only one area on each other's bodies that we've never adequately observed, so we both know that our eyes will go there first. We dry off, using the one towel because I only brought one in, both making efforts to try and preserve some level of modesty. I run to my room and change into something that looks like lounge gear to try and divert suspicion. Makoto throws his school uniform back on, sans tie. He chooses to pocket that instead.
Making our way out, I wonder what they're cooking for dinner. I hope it's mackerel, but if Makoto's there, at the minute, I'd eat sand. His voice pierces my food-themed reveries. "Does this make us official?"
I shrug. "I guess so."
-Chapter 20 - Logic 101-
I can't get the conversation I had with Rin today out of my head. Rei, this hardly classifies as abuse. How does it not? There's something fundamentally wrong about this whole system. We started some sort of relationship based on the idea that's he's half each of two other people, so I'm only with him to make up my mind. I cannot be the only person who thinks that is wrong. And even if it's not, formally, it's still logically false.
I don't know what I feel, so I retreat into theories. I lay out the logical case in my head and try to analyse it, point out the flaws in the theory, put on a finger on what it is that's bothering me so much.
I am in love with both Nagisa and Gou, and I cannot decide which I should Gou's brother, Rin represents a person who is half-Nagisa, , I should date Rin to determine which of the two I love more.
I seem to think the conclusion is invalid. Therefore, either my logic is unsound or my propositions are false. Well, the logic is barely sound. Just barely. With the benefit of retrospect, I'm not so sure that picking a halfway point is really the best way to figure out which side I want to stand on. I lay out an analogy in my head. If I cannot decide myself as left or right-wing on a political scale, it seems acting central is a good method to objectively judge the benefits of each ideology. While I don't think we can apply the same logic so simply to the complex figure of love, I deem it sound enough.
So my propositions must be false. My first one certainly is not. If I know nothing else, I know I am in love with both Nagisa and Gou. So, the only weak point in the argument is my second proposition.
Does Rin really represent half of Nagisa and half of Gou? Or was that just a desperate bridge that Rin and I constructed trying to pull a solution out of thin air? Because a desperate bridge is an unstable one, and thus will eventually collapse. So I must affirm the truth of this proposition before I can continue.
Genetically, he is a half Gou. But genetics don't hold much sway here, and in deeper thought, the 50% DNA they share is junk DNA that doesn't actually correspond to any physical or biological characteristic. So I discount that. They were raised in the same family and shaped by similar experiences. But he left home for Australia at the beginning of middle school – he scarcely would have been thirteen. He is now eighteen, allowing for five years of highly disparate experience. Additionally, whilst his mindset would not have been as malleable as it could be, the fact remains that the respective adolescences of Gou and Rin have been too far separated to lead them towards similar characteristics. However, by whatever conspiracy of circumstance, they seem to be quite similar now Rin has lost the aggression he had the first time I met him. So, this half of the proposition seems to be true enough – Rin is indeed half-Gou.
But is he half-Nagisa? This seems to be the tenuous join, logically. I pull each of them apart and try to decide what it is that defines each of them. I try to draw lines between the two of them, stitch them together, make them similar in any way I can. All I can find is the fact they share a gender. I try again, harder. Rin is level-headed, and calm in most situations, but also passionate. He angers easily over swimming or over Gou, and has difficulty opening up to others. Conversely, Nagisa is spontaneous and struggles to think in a formalised manner. He is almost always in an emotionally stable state of almost-improper excitement. And he is, if anything, too open with others. Thus, while it was weak enough as it stood, I have found the fatal flaw in my logic – Rin is not half-Nagisa.
Is that what was bothering me this whole time? Rin himself said that he was fine with all of our stupid little constraints and boundary conditions. So, I shouldn't feel like it's unfair to him. Even though it is. But at any rate, that shouldn't be bothering me. Even though it is. But still, there was most definitely something more. Reflection indicates this something more was the lack of Nagisa. Somehow, even without theories to guide it, my brain connects the dots. It was the lack of Nagisa that bothered me. There's something there that I just can't pass up. I can't define it, I can't explain it, but I don't need to. I just need to know that it's there. For now, that's enough for me. I can throw the theories of others to the wind for my first experiment, and analyse the results to form my own for later should I need them. Although I doubt I will. There's something here that just makes me think even this first one'll last forever. After all, we promised, didn't we?
-Chapter 21 - The Creed of the Teenage Girl-
I slam my homework book shut triumphantly and realise I did about three times more than I was meant to. My brain's on autopilot at the minute, so I just kind of did it without thinking. My thought space is otherwise engaged, is all.
I sigh internally. What am I doing to myself? Why am I putting myself through this? I basically conned Rei into thinking he should ignore his actual feelings and try fake-loving me instead. In the heat of the moment it seemed like a good decision. But now that I've had some time to think about it, it sounds stupid. What kind of relationship even is this? It's literally built on a lie. I mean, I like Rei, but he doesn't like me. I co-opted him into this whole thing without even giving him a choice. He's using me as a stepping stone. How the hell I am okay with that?
More importantly, how the hell I am okay with doing this to Rei? I mean, I asked him to love me – it's wasn't a mutual, spontaneous sort of decision. How am I okay knowing I had to force his hand like that? If I really love the guy, shouldn't I have tried to do what was best for him, instead? How am I okay with knowing the only way this half-bred thing we're calling love only happened because I tied him up so tight he had no choice but to say yes? How does it even work? How are we both okay with this convoluted mess of a mock-up love? This was a spur-of-the-moment decision, ill-advised like they all are. So I guess that means the best thing is to go back on it.
I nearly punch the wall in frustration, but I remember I'm at home, so everyone will hear if I do. So I decide to punch a pillow instead. Why couldn't I keep a level head when it counted? Why couldn't I see how stupid the things I said were? Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone? I fall back onto my battered pillow. Anger is exhausting, especially when it's self-directed. I have to sort this out. Tomorrow.
I don't know how I should feel about today. I think I should be a little bit sad. I mean, I got shot down by my crush, in favour of another guy, no less. But I can't be sad. Our friendship stayed stable, and he still thinks I'm pretty. And if nothing else, he kissed me. I don't think he really understood what that all means to me, but the point is, I can't decide how I should react. I lay out the Iwatobi Swim Club Shipping Diagram in my head. Makoto-senpai and Haruka-senpai make a pair, because even they liked somebody else, the four us would conspire and plot and machinate until they ended up back together again. So that leaves me, Onii-chan, Nagisa and Rei. I like Nagisa who likes Rei who is also liked by Onii-chan, and I don't know who Rei really likes in this whole mess but at the minute it looks like him and Onii-chan are a couple. Neither Nagisa nor Onii-chan like girls in general. This diagram is starting to get really convoluted. But I step back and look at the little love-web I've drawn up. I look at all the little lines and "will-they-or-won't-they"s and it looks like I'm the only one with no way in. With five guys and one girl, that's not something I'd normally expect to say. But so what?
I'm worrying alone again. I consider talking to Onii-chan but I don't want to ruin his mood. So I look for another outlet. I pick up my phone and fight with the buttons until my contact list comes up. Mum. No. I guess this is the kind of thing some girls might talk about with their mothers, but I don't want to accidentally out Onii-chan if I suddenly have to explain this mess of a shipping diagram we're all caught up in. That'd be awkward. Onii-chan, Nagisa, Rei, all out because duh. I consider calling Makoto-senpai for a minute until I remember about Haruka-senpai. The latter's in a bad way, and the former would be worried off his head about it, so at the minute, it's not my place to dump problems on either of them. Hana-chan? Maybe. We've been growing apart lately, but I still feel like I can rely on her. But it's not really fair to dump this on her either, is it? And what am I even supposed to say? I can't really out either Onii-chan or Nagisa, so I can't exactly explain it in depth. But still. I just need to talk to someone. Just as I resolve to text Hana-chan after all, she texts me.
Hey, Gou. I know it's been a while and all, but are you free to talk? I need a little advice. I laugh at the universe's sense of humour as I hit the call button.
"Hana-chan? Are you doing okay?"
"It's been too long, Gou! We have to do this more often."
"I'm with you on that one." We laugh into each other's ears, and I remember why we became friends in the first place. "But that's not the point! What do you need?"
"Oh, that. Well… do you remember last year at the squid festival?"
"I remember lots of things about last year at the squid festival, so you're going to have to be a little more specific."
"Stop poking fun at me! I came to you for help, you know!"
I laugh loudly into the phone. "Sorry. I'm just glad to hear from you."
"Well, you sure have a weird way of showing it." That I do. "Anyway, do you remember when we ran into the guys from the swim club?"
"Yeah. Makoto-senpai said we were cute, and you said 'you're just talking about our yukata, aren't you?', right?"
"And then he was all like 'not really', like he meant that we were cute. And since he knew you already from the swim club and all, I thought it was sort of more aimed at me. So I've kind of had a crush on him for a year."
"Let me guess. Now you want me to be part of some grand machination to set up your confession, right?"
"Not really. I was thinking I'd do it old-school – cook him lunch and give it to him with a love letter. That kind of thing. I was just wondering if you knew anything I could use to get a foot in the door. His favourite food? Star sign? Blood type? Favourite singer or movie or something?"
I can't think of any way to put this gently, so I just give it her full-force. "I think he's gay."
"Dammit! I was afraid of that! He and that other one are together, aren't they?"
"Well, it's not like it's official or anything, but have you seen him and Haruka-senpai together lately? They are so a couple."
"Actually, I saw Makoto-senpai walking home alone the other day, without that other one. Haruka-senpai, you said? So I thought they were fighting or something. And now would be like, my one shot. No such luck, huh?"
"Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. If you still want to give it a shot, I do know he likes squid. And it's really simple to cook, so you could make some up for him easy."
"I guess we'll never know unless we try, right? No time like the present! I'm off to cook me up some squid!"
"Wait, Hana-chan!"
"What?"
"I need a little advice, too."
"Oh? Do carry on."
"Well, I confessed to this guy I've had my eye on for a while, but he rejected me. Not hard. But still."
"What? But you're so pretty!"
"He said the same thing, actually." I smile at myself. So it's not just Nagisa, after all.
"So why exactly did he reject you?"
"He bats for the other team."
"Oh. Right. Oh well, whatever! Onto the next crush, right? Such is the creed of the teenage girl!" She laughs.
"It's not so easy."
"Hm? Why not? It's a sin for a teenage girl to be without a crush, you know. We're not old enough to go picking life partners or anything like that anyway, so just follow your heart!"
"Where to?"
"Seriously? You're in a club with the five hottest guys in the school!"
"Of whom two I think are on the other side of the fence and one of the remaining is my brother." In fact, I know that two are on the other side of the fence, but I can't just go outing them for no particular reason. Makoto-senpai is different. That's just speculation. But when it's an actual fact, an actual secret they've trusted you with, it's just not right.
"That does make things a little more complicated, doesn't it?"
"Just a little."
"Well, it's not like they're all the guys you know, is it? There's always the guys in our class. Although, by and by, they're fairly pedestrian, aren't they?"
"Hana-chan! You can't say that sort of thing!"
"We're in private, what's it matter? But I'm sure your brother would have some friends that you could crush on or something."
I cast my eyes to my bottom drawer. I branch off Onii-chan in my head, taking care to stop from friendship-chains from reaching near the club. You know, maybe he does. "I'll have to think about that one a little."
"Glad I could help! Now I've gotta get cooking!"
"Just make sure you're bulletproof. Be ready for a no."
"That's why I feel so good. Now I know I've got to give everything to this one shot! If it doesn't work out for me, life goes on, right?"
"I envy your optimism."
"Don't envy, have! Everything'll work out for you, too!"
"I feel a lot better now." It came out sarcastically, but I'm genuine. "I really mean it. It feels good to talk to another woman about these things."
There's a brief silence. "You know, I feel a lot better, too." We burst out in mutual laughter. It feels good to get all this off my chest.
"See you tomorrow?"
"Best of luck with your confession."
"Thanks!" and with an abrupt click she's gone. I sigh into my dead handset. Not a heavy why-me sort of sigh, but a light, happy, God-I'm-glad-today-happened sort of sigh. She's right. Nagisa and I didn't work out, but life goes on. I can fall in love with someone else. There's no rush or anything. It'll all happen in due time. Such is creed of the teenage girl, after all.
-Chapter 22 - Practice What You Preach-
It's Tuesday morning, but for the life of me I can't think about anything except Monday night. The night I finally made up my mind, the night the floodgates burst open, the night everything fell into place. I can't wait to see Makoto again. Now that I know how I feel, nothing and no one can stop us from loving each other.
I climb into the bath, trying to harvest some sort of shadow from last night. I let my mind run free, throwing images and feelings around the same way a child with too many toys starts hurling them everywhere. I see Makoto across from me, I see him out the window, I see him standing in the bathroom. And eventually my mind breaks free of the bathroom altogether. I see him at school, being all studious, maybe with those glasses on if he's a bit tired. I see him in the pool, swimming his hardest, muscles bulging with strain. I see him in a bedroom, sitting with me, playing some sort of video game. His fingers work the buttons like the controller's an extension of his hand. They flit about gracefully, but powerfully. I'm so transfixed, I forget about the game, and he wins with no effort. He turns to me, and I get lost in the expanse of his eyes. Haru, focus! It's no fun winning easily! He draws closer to me and pushes me back flat on the bed. Not always. We lay flat against one another, mouths reaching for any patch of skin they can find. I rip his shirt open, but I end up throwing the buttons of us really care. He just responds in kind and we have a whole new field of searching.
"Haru? You're in the bath again? We have to get to school!" The voice of the real pierces through my imagination, and I'm torn back to the present. He pushes his way in. "I'm not getting in today." The way he says it, I know he wants to. He's just too responsible.
I don't bother giving him a chance. I stand up and climb out, reaching out and wrapping my arms around him. He submits from surprise as much as anything and I force us against each other. The impact dislodges some of the water from my hair and it trails down my face, my neck, along my chest and all the way down into the swimsuit I wish I hadn't worn. The water from my body wets his shirt, and the material's so thin it turns transparent in the morning sun, revealing hard muscle underneath. "I don't really want to go to school today." I pull my mouth up to his ear and whisper straight into it. "Staying here with you sounds a lot more fun."
He's stronger than I am, so he pushes out effortlessly. "We can't afford to just miss days haphazardly, Haru! Don't you want to get into a good university?"
"If you're there with me, I'd go anywhere."
"What do you even want to do after we finish school? We can't just swim forever."
The question catches me off guard. "I don't care about that right now. The future should be worried about in the future."
"But that's not the future, Haru! It's practically now!" He grumbles, realising that his argument isn't going to get anywhere with me.
"I get it." This is important to him. I kiss his cheek as I walk past. "I'm getting dressed."
So I do, and I eat quickly because in a fit of foresight I cooked breakfast before I got in the bath. We suddenly we're on our merry way. It's only 8, so we have about 15 minutes to get to school. For once, we might actually be on time. I stare out at the ocean as we walk past it. It seems to be happier today than it normally is. The waves are more energetic, and it's sparkling really brightly. "What are you looking at?" The voice that I'm addicted to runs through my brain.
"Take a look at the ocean. Doesn't it seem happy to you?"
He stares at it, intently. "It does, doesn't it? It's time like these that I can forget how terrifying it can be."
I smile at him. "It won't be terrifying if we're together." The words hang in the air between us.
And we both realise we've stopped walking, so we start again at double the pace, trying to salvage some of that "maybe we'll be on time" that we set out with. We make it school with about a minute to spare. Everyone's already gone in, and the courtyard's completely deserted.
I turn to Makoto. "I can't believe we're on time." I push up onto the balls of my feet and kiss him square on the lips in celebration. "Let's see if we can't be on time to homeroom."
We start walking in, when a voice chirps up from behind us and proves that the courtyard wasn't so deserted after all. "Makoto-senpai?"
I hear my name called, and I turn around, as you do. Gou's friend is standing there… I can't manage to remember her name, but I know she saw that kiss. I feel sort of guilty. And I only feel guiltier when I see what she's carrying. She has a bentou box, wrapped in a heart-patterned handkerchief. A little card pushed under the knot reads 'To Makoto-senpai.' My heart sinks while my head connects the dots. I direct a little smile to Haru. Go on ahead. I'll be up in a minute, it says. He hears it, like I knew he would, and walks off with a brisk nod.
"Don't think you have to say sorry."
I'm taken aback. "Don't I, though?"
"Not at all." She smiles and for the life of me I can't think of what her name is. "I've only got a crush. You two have known each other for forever. It'd be selfish of me to want you to apologise."
"I'm glad to hear that. But, you know, I'm sorry anyway. Sorry that you had to see it like that, and sorry that I can't return your feelings."
"I'm fine with it, really."
"I'll still eat your bentou, if that'll make you happy."
"What, this? It's a culinary tragedy anyway. I thought squid was meant to be easy to cook!"
"Sounds like you cook as well as I do." We laugh, somehow sound in this common trait.
"Thanks for offering."
"It's the least I could do. This must cut pretty deep."
"It's fine, really! I mean, I was ready for the possibility. And if I had to get rejected by someone, I'm glad it was by you."
"Thanks, I guess?"
"You know how to put a woman down gently. It's that softness that I liked about you in the first place." She looks down briefly, but it only takes a second for her to meet my eyes. "But, I can't change the way you feel. So, I hope you can be happy. Both for your sake and for the sake of the relationship we couldn't have. I'll find someone. I'm still young." She smiles at me and I can feel how strong she is. To be able to say this sort of thing with the kind of honesty I can see in her eyes after finding out your crush is with someone else (another guy, no less) means this girl has some serious steel.
"Can I ask you a favour?"
"Keep this all a secret, right?"
"Got it in one."
"I wouldn't dream of telling anyone something like this. It's yours and yours alone to tell."
I smile at her. "You're going to make some guy very happy someday."
She blushes. "What makes you say that?"
"You're mature. You're responsible. You're optimistic. You're willing to cook, even if you're as much a Disaster Chef as a Master Chef. You're bulletproof, if the way you dealt with this is any indication. And you are pretty cute. What more could a guy want?"
"A different gender, apparently."
"And a sense of humour with it!" We both laugh and I feel so guilty that I can't think of her name.
"See you around, then, Makoto-senpai!"
"Thanks for everything."
"For what?"
"For having a crush on me, for keeping this a secret, for not freaking out. I couldn't have asked for you to take this better."
"Such is the creed of the teenage girl!" And with that, she runs off, waving at me as she goes.
I walk up to homeroom and arrive just as the bell rings. I quickly take my seat and get ready for the whole stand-bow-sit thing, nodding to Rin as I rush past. Arranging my books on the table to try and make myself look busy, Haru and I lock eyes by coincidence. I can feel myself drowning in the ocean behind his irises, and it's not even the smallest bit frightening. "What did Chigusa want?"
I snap my fingers the way you do when you have a lightbulb moment. "Chigusa. Chigusa Hanamura. That's her name."
"You forgot?"
"Yeah. But I'll tell you the whole story later."
-Chapter 23 - My Solemn Duty-
After school…
My lungs fight for air against the water, partially because I'm swimming and partially because I want to do one of those really heavy I'm-so-relieved sighs. Haru-chan and Mako-chan are back to normal. I wonder what happened? Well, I say I wonder, but I'm making an educated guess. It doesn't take a genius to fill in the gaps. I guess they're an item now, huh? It makes me happy that they're happy, but at the same time I'm kind of disappointed that they got there first. I mean, Rei-chan and I are meant to be the puppy-love pairing in this group, so doesn't that mean we get to go first? Like, we're meant to just kind of bathe in our own little romance-without-problems while the older guys (they're only a year older, but that's still older) sort through a more realistic love with all these issues and stuff. Isn't that how it's supposed to go? I guess this is real life, though. I only confessed three days ago, now that I think about it. That's not enough time for Rei-chan to come to a conclusion about something as massive as that. So I decide to keep my optimism going strong and just go on smiling until there's a reason not to. That's the only way I know how to do things.
"Nagisa, focus!" Gou-chan's sharp call cuts through my thoughts. I pull all the corners of mind together and try to keep them together on my stroke. It's harder than you think it is when your crush is two lanes over wearing practically nothing. I take a quick break the next time I hit the wall, grabbing something to drink, because even though you're literally surrounded with water, you still get thirsty while swimming. You can't exactly drink the water, so it does make sense. But it just sounds weird. Before I get started again, I adjust my goggles a little. I figured this out a few years ago. It's kind of like the way they puts those things on horses so they can't see anything but the track. If you put your goggles just a little bit off-centre, you can totally ruin your peripheral vision. Normally, that's a terrible decision, because you can't see where you stand. But at the minute, I don't have any competition, so I'm better off staying centred on my own lane.
"Okay, that's a wrap!" I stretch my body out the way I do near the end of a race, finishing my last lap after the four are already out of the pool. Gou-chan offers a hand, and I take it and we just smile at each other the way you do sometimes when there's just nothing to say. Mako-chan and Haru-chan hurry off to the change room, together, of course. They're totally an item.
"Rin, I need to talk you in private." I hear Rei-chan trying to get Rin-chan alone to talk, but he's sadly mistaken if he thinks that it's going to be private. As Rei-chan's hopeful future boyfriend, it's my solemn duty to eavesdrop on any and all conversation with any and all competitors. They slink off behind the change rooms, trying to be subtle. I gesture for Gou-chan to follow me – I know she heard, too. We make our way into the change rooms, into a little fold that the other four don't know exist. I always imagined I'd bring Rei-chan in here first, but hell, close enough. There are some patches where bricks have fallen out of the wall, some godforsaken how. Luckily enough, the two of them have stood exactly in line with one each. So Gou-chan presses her eyes to one hole, getting a clear view of Rin-chan, and I press mine to another, staring down Rei-chan.
"I wanted to talk to you, too."
"I would hazard a guess it's about the same thing."
"So would I."
They can't seem to look each other straight in the eye. They fidget wildly trying to avoid looking at the other, but eventually they just line up out of coincidence. "I don't think this'll work out." They spit it out in perfect unison.
"But I still have to thank you, Rin. You've helped me make my decision."
"Well, I guess that makes it kind of worthwhile."
"Can we call this compensation for the relay position?"
"Hell no."
"Why not?"
"It was my idea to start this up, so I have to deal with the fallout. Even if it only two days later."
"It was my fault for acquiescing."
"Did you have to say it like that?"
"Like what?"
"Acquiescing. It makes it sound like I'm poisonous or something."
Rei-chan starts, like he didn't think that far ahead. "Sorry."
"But anyway, things go on, I guess. Don't worry, this isn't the first time a relationship hasn't quite gone to plan."
"That makes me feel a little bit better."
"So? Do I get to know who you chose?"
Rei-chan struggles with himself for a little while. "No. I'm sorry. I have to tell that person first."
"Damn you and your cleverness. Even if you'd just said he or she, I would have known."
Gou-chan and I look at each other in some sort of shock. What was this decision, exactly? It was obviously a who-am-I-in-love-with, but between who? A guy and a girl? So he is bi. Totally picked it. Wait. Go back a few steps. I decided he was crushing on Gou-chan. And I kissed the man for Christ's sake, so that's got to count for something. I spin my head around looking from Gou-chan to Rei-chan and back as I connect the dots. We had a full-blown love triangle going on here and I didn't even notice. Gou-chan liked me, I liked Rei-chan and he liked both of us. Dear God, so many things make sense right now.
"If we have to break it off, can I ask one last thing?" Rin-chan looks away from Rei-chan, the way he does when he's about to ask for some massive favour. "Just once, can we go on a date? I know it's selfish, but…"
"I think it's only fair." Rin-chan jerks his head up in surprise. "We both made a rash decision in the heat of the moment. We may as well face the consummation of its consequences."
"Please, never say consummation near me again."
'Why?"
"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you." It rings dirty in my head, but even don't know exactly what Rin-chan means. Whatever it is, I hope it means I'm getting with Rei-chan sooner rather than later.
-Chapter 24 - A Courtesy, A Formality-
Suddenly, Saturday…
"Oh, Rin. There you are."
"Sorry I'm late." I can't believe this. I ask someone else out and then arrive late. What even is that?
"That's okay. I thought ahead. After all, Sato is no short ride. We'll be right on time for opening at this rate."
"You plan too much. It's kind of creepy."
"You say it like it's a bad thing."
"It's not normal for people to be so organised! That said…" That's part of why I fell in love with you in the first place. I can't let myself say that. This date is goodbye.
"Come on. We can't be late." He grabs me by the wrist and I nearly blush. But without too much pulling my legs start moving too and he lets go because he doesn't need to lead me about like I'm on a leash.
"So where exactly are we going?"
"It's a surprise. I thought that was the deal."
"Yeah, but it's date day now. Surely you can spoil the surprise with all of two minutes to go."
"No need. It's right there." He points more or less straight ahead and following the line of his finger, I see a huge amusement park.
"Really? I expected something a little less cliché."
"Wait for it." He keeps walking and I keep following, waiting for some demon clown or something to pop out with a sign saying 'Surprise!' What am I waiting for, exactly?
Oh. That. We get to the gate and I see how many rides there are in the park. And every single one of them is some kind of waterslide. Or more generally water-themed. You get the idea. I don't really know why, but that makes it a lot better. I've never seem so much water in the one place. I laugh to myself. I sound like Haru right now.
"Haruka-senpai would love this place."
"Too right he would. At least now I know why you asked to bring my swimsuit and a towel."
"Do you have sunscreen as well? We can't let you get burnt."
"You probably brought a spare bottle anyway, didn't you?"
He pulls one out of his bag. "Too right."
"Just as well." I open my bag and display the contents. Swimsuit, towel, but no sunscreen in sight.
He sighs. "You can so irresponsible."
"What's a little sunburn?"
"In a pool full of chlorine, it can be screaming pain."
"You think so?"
"I have sensitive skin, I guess."
"Well, what are we waiting for?"
"Good question." And with that, we're away. He really did plan ahead. We have a locker for our clothes and other stuff that we don't want water-damaged. So we undress quickly, both brimming with excitement to get our day under way. "How do you undress so quickly?"
"Practice."
"That comes out quite dubious."
"It really does, doesn't it? Only for swimming, I swear."
"Does it matter to me if it was for something else?" The words fall into my side like so many little swords. It doesn't, does it?
So now we're both in our swimsuits, and I allow myself to be selfish. I stare him up and down, just letting myself enjoy the view. It isn't exactly right, but this is the last chance I get to look at him like that. I walk up behind him and wrap my arms about him while we're still in private. "Where do you want to start?"
"Why don't we start in the wade pool to warm up a little?" I can feel his muscles tense, like he wants to push me off him.
"Sounds like a plan." I let him go, even though I don't want to, and lead the way there. "Thanks for indulging me." I make sure not to even look at him. I can't afford to look weak.
"It's only fair. I dangled a carrot in front of your face, gave it to you and then wrenched it away as rudely as I could. You deserve a few bites for the trouble."
"I think you let that metaphor go too far."
He shies away a little. "Sorry." His blush marks our arrival at the wade pool. "Let's get in." He runs in ahead of me but the water scarcely come up to his waist. No complaints here. I charge in after him and playfully tackle him, knocking us both into the water and wetting us from head to toe.
"What are you scared of? It's only a wade pool." He catches his glasses before they float too far away.
"I'm not scared. I just want to take it slow." He attempts to dry the lenses his hands and pushes them back over his eyes.
I splash him, as much on impulse as anything, but careful not to get near his eyes again. "This too slow for you?"
He looks down, and seems to be planning his revenge. "No. It's just the right pace." He swings his whole arm across the water and sends a small-to-moderately-sized tsunami (scaled to the size of the pool) straight at me. I'm caught off-guard and I breathe a little bit of it in. I cough for a few seconds, and then it's broken up, and I'm fine again. We look at each other.
"Truce?"
"Truce." We both start laughing hysterically. As we run out of the pool and find a map, planning our way around the park. "If we follow it this way around, there's a fairly natural circle."
"Yeah, Rei, but that leaves all the exciting rides till last. We've already taken a warm-up. Let's hit the big things now."
"Okay then." I can't help but think he's just playing along with me to make me happy. "Just let me go back to locker and put my glasses away. They won't stay on too long, and I can't let them go flying everywhere." He runs away and leaves me at the map. I study the rides and try to figure out which we should do first. There's this gigantic slingshot thing that throws you through this sideways waterfall. That looks pretty cool. Or there are more traditional waterslides that just sort of throw you along like a log in a rip. And then there's this huge thing that kind of looks like the drain of a sink, but sideways. From what I can gather, you hop on this little clover-shaped boat thing and you basically go down it like water goes down a drain, except instead of doing a full circle, you just to two half-circles in opposite directions. That seems at lot safer, actually. Doing a full circle when you're not even strapped to anything would be terrifying.
"Have you made a decision?"
"There are a lot of good options."
"We should play it smart. This park has a system where instead of actually standing in the line, you can sort of book a session on a ride beforehand. So we should go to the most popular ride, book a session and then go to some of the less popular ones first."
"You've really planned this out, haven't you?"
"I couldn't let a date go to waste." I smile at myself. That's a kind sort of thing to say. He went to all this trouble for me, and me alone. It's not even for himself.
"Well then, let's go book in at that thing." I point to the waterfall-slingshot ride. I'm sure it has a name, but waterfall-slingshot actually describes what it is, so I'm going with that. "Then we can go and ride those couple of water slides." I point to this one particular slide that's about twenty stories tall and as straight as I am. Seriously, could they possibly fit more turns in that thing?
"Let's go then." The attendant at the waterfall-slingshot ride gives us these little plastic bracelet-things (like the kind you get at hospitals) with a little barcode on them that we scan when we come back in forty minutes for our booked session. Making our way over to the water slide, we're caught in line for about twenty minutes, and I keep trying to strike up casual conversation but it just isn't working for me. So instead I just kind of let myself observe Rei. I can't really look at him with any sort of want after today, because after today he's taken. I have to indulge while I can.
We get to the front of the line. "Okay, sirs, climb in." They have this sort of two-person inflatable raft. One person sits in one side, someone else in the other, and you kind of fold your legs together. Then there are these handles you hold onto really tight, and you lean away from one another. Rei and I fight our way in, our legs arguing to find a space where it's not too intimate. Without much warning, they push us down the slide. By a measure of misfortune, I wound up going down backwards, so I can't even see what's ahead. We follow every one of thousands of curves in the slide, each time coming just close enough to overshooting the edge to be exhilarating while not actually threatening to throw us ten stories down to a concrete landing pad. The sheer force of the ride throws our legs around a little and they end up in an intimate position anyway, both our legs splayed open, my left leg lying along the inside of his right leg and his left tracing the inside of my right. We each scream a little, not from fright, but because every time we go around a corner, the boat-raft-tube thing turns around. One time I go up backwards, the next time he goes up backwards, and it kind of feels like you leave your stomach at the top of the turn. It's more of an excited, look-how-much-fun-I'm-having scream. And in all of three minutes, we've reached to bottom of the slide.
"That was way more fun than I was expecting." I still feel a little light-headed, actually.
"Are you glad I chose this spot for our date?"
"Very."
"I'm happy to hear it." I can't stop myself from smiling. You know, just because we can't come here as a couple again, doesn't mean we can't come here as friends. Rei's a great guy. That's why I fell in love with him in the first place. If he's taken, that shouldn't stop us from being friends. So now I guess I can just enjoy today.
"How are you going without your glasses?"
"I can't read much, but I don't really need to, so that's okay."
"How bad is your vision, exactly?"
He point to a toilet block about 50 metres away. "Can you read the sign on that building?"
I lean forward a little and strain my eyes. "It just says toilet, doesn't it?"
"I don't know. I can't even see that there's text printed on the sign. The words are just blurred by all the wood around it."
"So, pretty bad?"
"Bad enough that I need glasses to read a book. As in, if I sit at a desk and open a book on the desk, I need my glasses to see it clearly."
"I thought my eyes were going."
"They could be. Third year students typically start to become slightly short-sighted because of the extensive periods of time spent studying, either at books or on computers."
"I should probably get them checked, then."
"My optometrist always said to never ignore any change in vision. But, if you don't need them to see for everyday things, it's probably not essential to get glasses." Our conversation carries us along and we get to that big drain-shaped ride. I'm interested to see how this one works. The line's not very long, so we're only around for a few minutes before we're standing ready to go. We pack ourselves into another blow-up raft, not even bothering to try and preserve propriety. We just put our legs where they ended up in the last ride. It feels like it should be awkward, or arousing, or something. But it just feels kind of normal. I'm glad I can say that.
Again with the no warning. The attendant just pushes us nonchalantly into the ride, like it's the most natural thing in the world. It's basically the same as the waterslide, except instead of just flipping back and forth on the corners, we're constantly rotating while we slide up the sides of the funnel until we stick off horizontal, come back down and repeat the motion on the other side. I imagine this is what it would feel like to be sucked down a drain with the whole whirlpool-action thing. That's probably the point in the ride, but at the minute I'm enjoying myself. I feel my body scream in excitement without my permission, and hear Rei's follow suit. This ride doesn't last as long. In about thirty seconds, we've come out to this little pool that the ride drains into.
"I'm a little disappointed. I wanted that to keep going!" I take few steps forward, jumping with excess exhilaration.
"I feel a little dizzy, actually. We spun too much for my taste."
"Spinning's good fun, though." At this point, we have about five minutes until slingshot-waterfall time. "Come on, our appointment at the slingshot is coming up." Now I grab him by the wrist and start running. I'm enjoying today too much to take it slow.
Our little hospital bracelets give us a straight shot into the little ball that is actually this ride. There's a six-by-six square of seats in the centre, where I assume everyone is meant to sit. Getting closer, I can see there are two little chambers on either side, each with two seats in them. They must be designed for couples. "Do you mind if we hop in one of those things, Rei?" I point to the little couple section on the right.
"I can't see what you're pointing at clearly."
I laugh loudly at the sheer awkwardness of the situation. I just tried to make some sort of half-bred move on this guy, and his short-sightedness puts a stop to it just like that. "Sorry, I forgot. There are these little rooms for two on the sides. Can we hop in one of those?"
"I guess this is a date, isn't it? Let's do it."
I get all shy the way I do when I want to be honest about my feelings. "Thanks for doing this for me."
Rei turns around and looks me straight in the eyes, a smile taking up most his face. "Don't think twice about it! I'm having a good time, too, you know." And then he grabs me by the wrist (we're doing a lot of wrist-grabbing today, I've noticed) and drags me alone the rest of the line, waving for the attendant's attention. "Excuse me! How do we get into the chambers on the side?"
"Just go in the normal way and there's a ladder up there." The attendant smiles at us, and I feel like he just might be judging us. I'm guessing it's not too often that two guys ask to go into one of those together. But we have, so we do, climbing up this shaky steel ladder to an open door on the side of the cage. Rei goes in first and takes the seat furthest from the door. I go to sit down next to him when I realise the door isn't going to close itself, so I pull it shut behind me. It locks into place automatically, and then Rei and I go about figuring out these clasps that are meant to hold us onto the seats.
"I hope this ride doesn't shoot too violently. These seatbelt-type things'll burn against bare skin."
"Mate, you're sitting in a giant slingshot. What do you think it's going to do, flick us? Of course it'll shoot violently! You just have to pull the restraints tight so they can't move too much." One of the ride technicians indicates to us that's exactly what we're supposed to do, and we pull tight on the straps until our torsos couldn't move for all the tea in China. With the freedom in our arms, I manage to take a hold of Rei's hand. "Not going to lie, I'm freaking out a little."
"I think that's the entire point." He returns my grip, but I can't tell if it's out of fear, excitement or respect.
I finally have a good view of what exactly it is this ride does. It's a vertical slingshot, so the ball-shaped cage we're in gets shot skyward. It's only attached at two points, at the sides, so the two couples chambers and the two anchors form a rough square. So that means not only will we fly up vertically, but we'll also spin around a lot. That explains all the restraints. The anchors seem fairly elastic, so we'll probably go once at full height, and then twice more at lower heights. And to top it all off, they've somehow invented a sideways waterfall, so clear in the path of our shot is a clear wall of water. So we'll shoot through that, come back through it on the way down, bounce back up through it, come back down through it again and bounce back up again and settle at the bottom where we are now. That's intense. "This is going to be absolutely petrifying, but so much fun."
"I agree." We redouble our grips on each other's hands and the operator checks everyone's restraints.
And again with the no warning. Except this time it's really frightening because we're suddenly going at several dozen (if not hundred) kilometres per hour, spinning madly, and absolutely screaming our lungs out. All in good fun, of course. We get hurled through the waterfall and the cold water just sprays gently over us – the cage broke the surface tension. Just as well – we probably would have been seriously injured otherwise. The cage stands still for a moment at the top of its trajectory, and there's this stunning view over the rest of the town. Of course, it also burns your eyes because you look straight into the sun, but I actually feel pretty bad that Rei can't see it too. That pretty much sums up the date, on the whole. Here's me having a great time at Rei's expense. I feel guilty, but I leave the feeling behind when the anchors wrench us back down. We shoot through the waterfall again and I instinctively squeeze Rei's hand even tighter. We shoot back up and just sort of continue screaming. I decide to stop thinking until this ride is over. A sheet of water, great fun, a great date. My gut wrenches back to earth as the ride screeches to a stop at the bottom of the second bounce. I'm disappointed. I wanted three.
"I never want to do that again, but at the same time, I would do it again right now."
"It's certainly a fascinating use of elastic energy against sheer mechanical propulsion. I should like to examine it more formally."
"While screaming your lungs out and having great fun, I assume?"
"It helps." We kind of laugh at each other until my stomach rumbles and breaks the magic moment.
"Does this mean it's time for lunch?"
"It is around midday. When did you have breakfast?"
"About 8."
"Given the energy we've expended in being scared witless all morning, theory would dictate you should need some food by now. I also ate around 8, so I'm starting to get hungry, too."
"Well, then, lunch is on me."
"Rin…"
"Don't "Rin" me. You paid for the tickets and organised all of this. At least let me buy you friggin' lunch. How much did this cost, anyway?"
"That's a secret."
"You do know I could just go and look it up when I get home."
"Yes, but you can never tell your date how much you've spent on them. It ruins the mystery."
"Okay then, fine. But I'm still buying lunch."
"If you insist." So we go back the locker and I consider towelling myself down, but then I decide that would be pretty dumb, because I would then proceed to get wet again and have to dry myself at the end of the day with a wet towel. Nothing worse. Rei grabs his glasses and I grab my wallet and flick through it, trying to find enough money to make up two meals. If I can bring exact change, then we won't have to come back.
"What's on the menu, Rei?"
He's looking at the map on the locker room wall, laying out our options. "Well, I'll hazard a guess we can't go to any of the proper restaurant style places without shirts."
"Fair point. So, burgers it is?"
"We can at least make a proper meal out of it. At this place here, they do a wide variety of seafood."
"That sounds like fun. What have they got?"
"All your typical deep-fried fish and calamari and prawns and whatnot, some proper grilled fish fillets, and a few different kinds of seafood soup."
"Let's go there." I'm sold. I love seafood. I check the pricings, and I spot a particularly interesting deal. "How's this sound? Feast for two: two fried shrimp, six fish cocktails, a fillet of grilled whiting each, eight pieces of salt and pepper squid, topped off with a serve of fries and a drink apiece."
"Definitely good value."
"Too right it is." I ferret about in my wallet and find the exact amount of yen. 2980. That's quite convenient, actually. "Off we march!"
Within about two minutes, we've reached this little seafood shack. It doesn't seem terribly popular, although that's probably something to do with the fact that not the entire menu is deep fried. And it's not exactly popular Japanese fare – aside from the soups, it's actually pretty Western. But then again, so is a massive mechanised water park, so who's judging? There's literally no wait, so we just walk straight up to the counter. I order, largely because I'm holding the money. "A feast for two, thanks."
"What drinks would you like with that?" The girl behind the counter seems way too young to be working. She couldn't possibly be older than thirteen. Maybe some people just look young. She's not having any trouble being hormonal. She's staring at both of us, examining us. I think.
"Good question. Rei, what do you want?" I hear the girl smother a snigger when she hears Rei's name, and she's definitely stopped examining us. Apparently a guy can't have a girly name in her world. I guess it's a little weird for a guy to be called Rei. She probably guessed it was some kind of pet name.
"I'll have whatever you have, Rin." Again, the girl covers her mouth, making a desperate effort to not be obviously insulting. She does alright for herself.
"Let's just go with two bottles of water. You can never go wrong there." The girl nods and retreats into the fridge, letting a brief laugh escape before she comes back with two bottles of water.
"We'll bring your food to you when it's ready." I take the bottles out of her hands and wonder how the hell she touched these things. They're almost completely frozen, and it burns my hand just to touch them. So I rush to the nearest table and put them down.
"Don't touch those just yet. They're really friggin' cold!" I lay my hands flat against the black plastic table to try and restore some heat to them. It works.
"Thanks for the tip." Rei laughs it out, naturally, comfortably. I start laughing along, and we just sort of keep going that way for a few minutes. God, today's been fun.
The food arrives in no time flat, because there is literally no one else here. It's kind of nice, having the area to ourselves. It really makes it feel like a date. But for now, food. "There's more here than I thought."
"Oh well. Growing boys, right?"
"I'm eighteen. I don't think that counts anymore."
"Most males don't finish growing completely until about age 20. Even then, they generally still have some leftover hormones and whatnot that boost digestive activity."
"Why the hell do you know that?"
"I know lots of things."
"I gathered as much." I pick up my little disposable fork and dislodge a small mound of chips onto my little disposal plate, taking a two pieces of squid and a fish cocktail with it as much by accident as design. "What are you waiting for? Dig in!"
"Okay." He shyly picks at the edges of the mountain of food we ordered.
"Actually go at it, Rei. You can eat. No way can I get through this by myself."
He blushes a little and smiles at me. "Okay." He starts pulling out his first round of food with a little more commitment, and I feel better. I've contributed something to today.
Today was over far too fast. I really enjoyed every second of it. I hope Rin feels the same way, too. This might have been just a formality, but I owed him this for being irresponsible with my decision. I couldn't stay with for him for even a little while, so a date was the least I could do. Besides, it's good practice.
That sounds abusive. When I say that, I feel like I just used Rin like a stepping stone. But that's not what I mean by it. I enjoyed my time with Rin, and did my best to make sure he enjoyed it, too. Even if it was only a week. But now I know, I'm excited to start my relationship proper with Nagisa. There are so many thrilling things that I think are waiting for me. Before I realise it, Rin and I have arrived at the train station. It's 3pm on a Saturday, so it's fairly crowded. "See you at school, Rin." I extend my hand.
He grabs it, but instead of shaking like I thought, he pulls me in tight and wraps his arms around me. "Thanks for putting up with my selfishness."
"Think nothing of it. I had fun, too." We live in opposite directions, so we have to catch different trains. I go to walk to my platform.
"Wait a sec, Rei." I turn around, just teetering on the edge of earshot. "Can I be selfish just one more time?"
"That depends on want you want."
"Just once, even if it's only short. I'll understand if you want to say no." He fidgets, like he can't quite figure out what he wants to say. "Just once, can we kiss?"
I'm glad he asked my permission, because I don't know immediately what the right response is. My brain says yes, just do it, then he'll be satiated and you won't have to be guilty. But my instincts say no, no, you can't do it, it's not right to kiss someone you don't love. Well, it's not that I don't love Rin. Just not like that. There are different kinds of love, I've decided. The way I love Rin is the way you love a brother. The way I love Gou is the way you love a sister. The way I love Nagisa is the way you love with everything you have. There lies my dilemma. Brotherly love doesn't tend to involve kissing. Loving with everything does. And there's something I just can't reconcile there.
"I'm sorry, Rin. That's something I just can't do." He goes to tell me that it's all okay, he'll be fine, but I don't let him. I haven't finished yet. "If the circumstances were even a little bit different, I might be able to. But this is my first kiss. I can't throw it around like it means nothing, because once it's gone, I'll never get it back. And…" It's my turn to fidget. "I'm sorry. My first kiss belongs to him."
"To him, you say?" I clap my hands over my mouth as I realise I let it slip. "Nice to know I don't have to go on the defensive over Gou." He claps me on the shoulder as he walks away to his platform. "I hope you two are happy together." He waves to me, even though he's facing away. "See you at school."
I just can't tell what he meant by that. I hope you two are happy together. Was that an "I'm fine", an "I'm hurt but I'll get over it" or an "I'm secretly going to stew in my anger for all eternity" wrapped behind those words? I don't know, but I trust Rin enough to believe it's one of the first two. I tried not to be harsh. He was just asking for too much. I'd be willing to do just about anything up to that, but a kiss was just too much. I walk to my platform, hoping I haven't accidentally set our relationship rotting forever.
-Chapter 25 - It's Pretty Tough to Say No-
I'm nervous as hell today. I thought I worried about what I was wearing the day we went swimsuit shopping together. Today is my first official date with Makoto, so I've been changing and swapping and colour-matching outfits for hours and I've gotten absolutely nowhere. It sounds pointless, but this is the christening of our relationship. I have to make sure it's absolutely perfect. I decide black makes me look gaunt. Unless it's really tight. Which might not be such a bad idea. So I'm back to square one. Again. So I just keep standing here, arguing with myself, wearing nothing but a swimsuit while I pull random shirts out of my wardrobe and shove them back in again, without folding them or anything. I pull one particular shirt out and realise and this is the third time I've pick the same one out. Stepping away from myself, I see the disorder I've created in my wardrobe. I must have looked everything I own at least once to create this level of mess. I consider cleaning it when I hear the doorbell ring. I run to the front door, nearly toppling myself on the staircase. I can see through the window that it's Makoto. He's not had as much trouble dressing. He's wearing a pale green shirt that really shines against his gently suntanned skin, and he's covered it with a lightweight, vibrantly orange jumper that makes his eyes look more like emeralds than normal. He's wearing black jeans, that really complement his slender-but-muscular legs, and finishes with a pair of bright blue sneakers that look like a pair I own. They add in a little vibrancy, and contrast well with the jumper. I wonder if he spent any time at all to find an outfit that suited the situation so perfectly, or if he just fell into it. Knowing Makoto, probably the second. He's lucky like that. Then again, everything looks good on him. That said, there's something I don't like so much about his outfit. I can't put my finger on it, though.
"Haru? You in there?" I decide he must have seen me through the window, too. "Are you ready to leave?"
"I'm not ready just yet." I struggle with my dilemma for a second, but in fairly short order, I remember we're together now. We're supposed to share problems. "Can you help me decide what to wear?"
"You're not even dressed yet?" He sounds incredulous.
"Leave me alone. I've been trying to pick an outfit for the past three hours!'
"THREE HOURS? When did you wake up?"
"Four hours ago."
"So you've eaten and what-have-you?"
"Yes. Now I just need to get dressed."
"Let me in. I'll help." I open up the door, and let him in, just like he asked. "I kind of thought you'd be wearing pyjamas."
"I've tried on a few outfits and I couldn't be bothered to put my pyjamas back on afterwards."
"Did I say I was complaining?" He smiles at me playfully. He has a fair point actually. I snap my fingers the way I do when I figure stupid little enigmas out. That's what I dislike about his outfit. He's not showing enough skin. I blush a little and walk up the stairs behind him, trying to not stare at the motions his hips make as he climbs.
"Beware. My room's in a bit of a state." I open the door that I managed to close behind me on my rush out.
"Oh. No kidding, huh?"
"Quit teasing." I'm only half-serious. On one front, it's annoying. On another, it's kind of hot. Is that weird?
"I can't even decide which colour would be best. White dirties too easily, black makes me look kind of skeletal, and blue is just too broad. I have about fifty shades of blue right here."
"Well, let's see what we've got to work with." He pushes up the sleeves on his jumper, like he's about to get to some serious physical labour. Given the state of my room though, that might not be such an inaccurate description. He picks up a black singlet. "Start with this." I oblige, somewhat begrudgingly. I'm enjoying not wearing much around Makoto at the minute. This isn't any different to any other time I've worn a swimsuit in front of him, really. But it sure as hell feels different. The singlet's not too bad, though. The neckline is actually pretty low, so I still show most of my chest. "Now this." He holds a dark blue jumper at me, and I put it on, pushing up the sleeves so as much of my arm is showing as possible. Makoto wanders around like some old-timey detective, looking desperately for a pair of pants. "Here we are." A pair of tight blue jeans. I don't mind putting them on so much because half of my legs were covered anyway. "There we go. How's that look?"
I turn around and look at the two of us standing in the mirror. "It looks perfect." It really does. Our outfits are essentially identical except I'm wearing a singlet and our colour schemes are different. There's only one problem. "Hold still a second." I adjust Makoto's shirt so it sits a little bit off centre. It's not as much as I would like, it exposes his left shoulder, at least.
"Really? I just look messy like that."
"I couldn't agree less." I let my finger trail little circles around on his now-bare shoulder to prove my point.
"It's not appropriate to show that much skin in public, Haru. If that's how it's going to be, we should just stay home."
"Why don't we, then?"
"Because, I have all these plans and we have to have a formal first date at some point. And besides," I don't let him continue. I clamp my mouth over his, eating up whatever words he was planning to say next. My finger keeps tracing those circles around on his shoulder. He can't get me all the way out of his mouth, but he escapes just enough to pronounce a comprehensible sentence. "Actually, when you put it that way, it's pretty tough to say no."
Our two jumpers hit the corner of my room, falling in a pile separate to the bomb site that is now my wardrobe. In our blind passion, we push each other back and forth, and my foot slips on a loose shirt or something (I'm not really paying enough attention to know what it is). We're so tightly wrapped I pull both of us down together and we fall onto our sides. Neither of us really notices, or at least we don't care enough to let it stop us. I try to roll off my side, and so does Makoto, but he's stronger. So we both roll his way and he ends up on top of me, all of his weight pressing into crevasses I didn't even know I had. We fit together even more naturally than I thought we would. And constantly, always, we fall into each other's mouths and each other's eyes, like an ocean trench transforming perfectly into rolling meadows and grassy mountains, making a smooth, complete, landscape. I keep tracing circles on his shoulder, and his hands find their way to the parts of my chest the singlet doesn't cover, returning the favour.
I sense that he wants to say something, so I close my mouth for a second, enough to break contact. "What is it, Makoto?"
"What's what? I'm fine."
"You can't lie to me."
"I guess not, huh?"
"Stop dodging the question and just tell me what's going on here."
He sighs. "I know you probably didn't think of it because it's not immediate for you, Haru. But, if we're really doing this, and we are, by the way, I have to tell my parents first."
He's dead right. I didn't think about that at all, but now he's said it, it's really only fair, isn't it? Even though I've had a pretty rocky relationship with Mum and Dad because of the whole left-me-to-raise-myself thing, they still pay all the bills and everything. I should thank them more often, I guess. But anyway, something as important as this they should probably know first. "I should too, really."
"It's not as easy as it seems, is it?"
"My parents might not even be available to get the call, so I could just leave a voice message."
"I don't really think that's appropriate for something of this gravity, Haru."
I sigh. "I guess you're right."
"I'm not really sure how to go about it."
"Do you think it would be easier if we did it together?"
"Probably." We smile at each other. We duck into each other for a quick kiss. Less passion, more love. He smiles. "Let's go to the beach."
I don't where that came from. I mean, we never go to the beach. Because I'm scared of the ocean. And for some reason, I just suggested that we go to the beach.
"Makoto…"
"What the hell. Let's do it."
"But…"
"It's because it looked so happy." Haru looks at me with his head a little askew. "On Tuesday, when we were walking to school. The ocean looked happy. Don't you think so?"
"…Yeah."
"At the moment, I feel like it won't touch me."
"Okay." I took a leaf out of Haru's book and wore my swimsuit under my clothes today. My plans involved water anyway. It's a little bit awkward because mine's full-length, so it just shows under my pants if you look really hard. I assumed nobody was going to be closely analysing my ankles, though, so I deemed it okay. So I don't even have to go home and get changed. Neither of us bother reclaiming our jumpers. In a few minutes, they'd be off again, anyway.
It doesn't take us very long to get there, and Haru's brought two towels and a bag for our clothes. So we undress quickly and stash our clothes. We run recklessly towards the waves and I stop just short. I appreciate the ocean for a second. It's so wide, and so unpredictable. At any minute, a storm could roll in and this calm, welcoming thing could turn vicious. The tide could change and there would suddenly be waves crashing around, each one potentially life-threatening. But at the minute, it looks tamer than that little stray cat that seems to live on our staircase. Haru reaches out his hand. If we're together, it won't be frightening at all.
I take his hand and the two of us just keep running deeper and deeper, until the water covers our chests. I sigh. "It's been so long since I've been in the ocean."
"Yes, and the last time you nearly died."
"Fair point." We look each other square in the eyes and start laughing. I catch suddenly. It wasn't actually that funny, but…
"Haru! Did you just laugh?"
"Good pick up."
"No, no, no, no. That can't just casually happen. The only time I've ever heard you laugh was when we tickled the hell out of you. Since when do you laugh?"
"Since you." He turns away from me. He's never been good at emotions.
While we're not watching, a little wave breaks over our heads. Haru spins back immediately expecting me to be curled up in a ball screaming, or something. But I'm fine. With him here, I'll be fine. He saved me once, from a logical viewpoint. And, right at the minute, with him here, I just feel invincible. So I grab his hand and dive under, pulling him down with me. I can open my eyes just long enough in the salt water to see his surprise. I start a rough stroke towards shore. It's a little awkward at first, because we're holding hands. But before too long, we're swimming side by side, in sync with one another, and we make it about halfway back in one breath. I stand up, rubbing a bit of the salt water out of my eyes. "Don't do that stuff without warning, Makoto." He's only concerned for me. I know that.
"Oh, come off it. It's all in good fun." The water's not deep enough to dive under again, so I fold my legs away under me, immersing myself up to my neck. I have a good angle, so I take a splash at Haru's face. "Got you!"
"You realise this means war."
"I wouldn't have it any other way." We swim out a little deeper and we just splash each other back and forth, laughing the whole time. We should do this more often.
We lose track of time. By the time we pull back into shore, the sun is setting. We quickly dry of our feet and put on our shoes, just so we can walk. But it's not far enough to bother dressing in full, so we just give our upper halves a quick dry and walk with our towels draped over us. If we're together, it won't be frightening at all. Not just the ocean. If he's there with me, I'll have no trouble telling Mum and Dad. I lean in and give Haru a kiss, on a whim as much as anything else. Maybe a silent thank you. "You taste like salt."
"Small surprise."
"Well, I'll come and get my jumper, but then I have to go and talk to my parents."
"I'll come with you."
"Thanks."
"Could you stay the night at my place?"
"Actually, it'd probably be good to give them all some air to figure it all out. This is a bit of a big thing."
"Then, it's settled." The silence hangs thick for a moment, but it's not the kind of silence that says "we're awkward around each other". It's a more "we don't need to talk anymore, we just kind of know" silence. In a few minutes, we're back at Haru's. "Makoto?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I'm always being a burden."
"What are you on about? You're not!"
"I am. Every morning, you have to come around to get me out of the goddamn bath, you talk for me when I don't want to, you remind that I have a world to live in. Without you around, I'd probably just lay in a pool until I fell asleep and drowned. So I'm sorry I'm always being a burden like that."
"Those are the things that make you who you are, Haru. The kind of things I fell in love with you for."
"For being useless?"
"For being unique. For being someone irreplaceable, someone without a double."
He smiles behind a blush. "I fell in love with you because you're irreplaceable. You're the only person I don't think I could live without."
I smile back at him. "That means a lot, but I'm sure there's someone else you care about like that."
"No. I don't think there is."
"Think harder."
"Who would it be? I haven't seen my parents for four years or so. My grandmother's dead. So my family doesn't really count."
"What about Rin, or Nagisa, or Rei?"
"I did live without Rin and Nagisa, for those four years we just had no reason to run into one another. And I only met Rei a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I value them. I just don't think they're irreplaceable. You are."
There's nothing more to say. I pull him in and kiss him, briefly but meaningfully. "Thanks." Without a word, we walk down the hill to my house, not a frayed nerve in sight.
-Chapter 26 - Together At Last-
Where did the day go? I just started doing some homework and suddenly it's 4 o'clock. I guess I wasn't paying as much attention as I should. It's hard to focus with Rei-chan on the brain. He doesn't know I know, but I know that today was the day of his date-thing with Rin-chan. Like a courtesy date. I didn't know that was a thing, but hey. That's the kind of thing I like about Rei-chan. He might break the rules from time to time but he knows who he is and what he is and he's probably the nicest person I've ever known. There's not much else to it. I don't really need a reason, do I? I love him. Isn't that enough? So all day, I've been hypothesising (normally that would be Rei-chan's job, but he was otherwise engaged). I know Rei-chan had some sort of decision to make, between a boy and a girl. I know that dating Rin-chan was meant to help him solve it. So the conclusion I draw from that is the Rei-chan couldn't decide in between Gou-chan and me. Or, at least, I hope the boy is me. But Gou-chan is definitely the girl. So, the possibilities are: Rei-chan likes me, or he doesn't like me. I assume he likes me, because the other alternative is too depressing. That assumed, Rei-chan is breaking it off with Rin-chan after today, so I think he's made up his mind. Which means that pretty soon, he's going to confess to one of either Gou-chan or me. But who? There lies my dilemma.
I take a step back from myself and laugh. The inside of my head sounds like Rei-chan. That sort of cause-and-effect analysis style stuff is his thing. I guess he's rubbed off on me more than I realised. All the more reason to hope he's chosen me. But I can't let myself think about that. So I take up my pen again and try to do more maths, but I just end up thinking of Rei-chan again. I can't get him out of my head right now. So much so I almost don't hear my phone.
Nagisa,
I have your answer. I'll be at the station near your house in about ten minutes. Can you meet me there?
I try to rationalise and think and calm myself down but I just can't stop my heart from beating. I try to stop myself from being excited and from hoping just in case things don't go to plan but I can't stop myself from imagining him saying yes and then us being a couple and all the things that come along with that. I try to go in bulletproof, ready for him to say no, but I just can't make myself believe that's going to happen. "Mum! I'm going out to grab some books from Rei-chan!" It's only half-untrue.
"Come back quickly! If you miss dinner, I'm not cooking anymore for you."
"He doesn't live that far away." And with that, I've pulled on my shoes and started half-running towards the station. I still have all ten minutes, more or less, and it doesn't generally take me more than three minutes to get there just walking. But I have so much excess excitement and anticipation and energy that my body runs without me telling it to.
I make it to the station with about seven minutes to spare. So I busy myself trying to figure out which train Rei-chan will be on. I have no idea where he's coming from, and there's three lines running through this stop. So there's six possible trains he could be on – either direction on any line. I look at the timetables and arrival boards, checking for any trains arriving in six minutes. I don't have much success. It's probably only five minutes now. And all of the trains arrive in within about five minutes of one another, so not only could he realistically be on any of them, but he'll be in a huge crowd of people. That's why I wanted to stand on the platform – to make sure we didn't miss each other. I check my watch. Four minutes. I consider buying a ticket just so I can get through the barriers and wait inside the station, but I didn't bring my wallet anyway. Three minutes. A train arrives, although I can be fairly sure it's not his. A crowd of people come up from the underground platforms and start pushing their ways through the barriers. My eyes strain, searching every single one of them to try and find his face, or his hair, or his glasses or something. Two minutes. Another train must have arrived because the people just keep coming. But still no Rei-chan. He's taller than most of the people in the crowd, so he would be easier to spot. I think. I hope. One minute. The sun pushes out from behind a cloud and shines straight into my eyes, exactly the way you don't want the sun to do. So I have to look away, just for a second, and protect myself from the glare.
"Nagisa?" My heart threatens to break my ribs. He's here. "Can we go someplace more private?"
We only have to walk a few blocks away to find a run-down hotel, with an empty carpark. We hide from prying eyes. This is our moment. I think. "I don't want you to feel like you have to say yes, Rei-chan. If you don't feel the same way, it's fine." I don't know what makes me say it, but I just have to make sure what he says is what he really feels. He's the kind of person who'll put his own feelings on hold to try and make someone else happy. But it'll mean nothing if I know his heart's not really in it.
He blushes and fidgets a little and my breath catches in my throat. He's going to say no, it's just not that way. He's going to say sorry, but I love Gou-chan. Sorry - "I love you too."
I breathe out for the first time in the past twenty seconds. "Well, then, that's settled."
"Is that really all you have to say?"
"No." I grab the collar of his shirt and pull him towards me. I have to push up to the balls of my feet to do it, but I manage to press my lips on his. My hands move off his collar, wrapping around his shoulders instead. He was a little shocked at first, but he's relaxed a little now. And his instinct drives his arms till they sit around my waist, and we just stay here locked like this for a little while. When we surface for breath, I finish my sentence. "The rest just doesn't sound as good in words."
"I agree." He's blushing furiously, but it's obvious enough he liked it as much as I did.
"I've waited a long time to do that, Rei-chan."
"You know… so have I."
"As in, with me specifically, or just with any-old-one?"
"Anybody I loved would have been fine, but I don't think anyone else would have felt quite like that."
I smile at him. "Thanks, then."
"So… what's next for us?"
"I guess we have to go public, don't we?"
"Not if we don't want to."
"What's to hide, though? Gou-chan already knows I'm into you."
'What!? How?"
"She confessed to me the other day."
"Really?"
"Well, like, not formally. But it was there. And I think she'd already figured it out. So I kind of had to tell her."
"Rin knows as well."
"What!? How?"
"It's a bit of a long story, but I accidentally let it slip."
"I already know the long parts, so just skip to the end."
"What!? How?"
"You and Rin-chan just got really close all of a sudden, so I was worried he might be a rival for me. And, seeing as I'd already confessed, it was kind of necessary that I eavesdrop."
"So what exactly did you hear?"
"On Monday, I heard you two fighting on the way to the station. You said "There's something wrong about calling this love." Gou-chan was with me, and we both got a shock out of it. That was how the confession happened."
"Is that all?"
"No. On Tuesday, after club meeting, Gou-chan and I spied on your conversation again."
"How?"
"Let's just say there's a little hidey-hole in the change rooms that I have to show you sometime, okay?" I wink at him.
He gulps. I think he figured out what I meant by that. "So you know about the date?"
"And about your dilemma. The he and the she?"
"I couldn't make up my mind. I felt like I loved both you and Gou. And I accidentally told Rin on our date today that my first kiss belonged to 'him'. So he knows." He turns away, like he's about to say something embarrassing but sweet. "I do love Gou. And Rin. And Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai. But it's a different kind of love. The only one for me is you."
"So you're not annoyed that I couldn't trust you or anything?"
"That's just a natural human reaction. I can't blame you for it."
The silence hangs heavy between us. It's not an awkward weight. It's a sensitive one. This the kind of silence Mako-chan and Haru-chan have, like they're talking to each other, but without words. I decide to break it anyway. "So are we officially an item?"
"Before we can say that, I think we should tell our parents."
"That's only right, isn't it?" I totally thought he was thinking that. Does that mean I can read his mind? Have my boyfriend senses gotten as good as Mako-chan's? That makes me absurdly happy.
"Will you come with me, Nagisa? It'll be easier with you around."
"I was about to ask you the same thing."
-Chapter 27 - Memories, Moonlight, Everlasting Dorimu-
"I'm home." I walk through the door and check the clock. Onii-chan should be back from his date with Rei anytime now. I think he might be feeling bad about it, because I know they had it break it off. Really quickly, actually. So I want to be ready to support him if he needs it. That said… I smile sheepishly to myself. There are some details of my day he doesn't know yet.
I sit myself down at the table, because the dining room is the first room you come to when you come into our house. Realising I could be here I while, I grab a glass and fill it with water from the fridge. It's been a while since I've had a drink. For some godforsaken reason, there weren't any vending machines around in the park. It must be the only vending-machine-free square kilometre in Japan, I swear. I didn't have much money anyway.
"I'm home." Onii-chan's low and dejected voice barely reaches past the door.
"Welcome back." I poke my head around the corner. "How was your da-y?" Oh, God. I very nearly said date.
"I've seen better."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Not really."
"Well, too bad. You're not getting a choice." It's obvious something's bugging him.
"I'm not going to win this, am I?"
"Not a chance."
"Okay, then." That was easier than I was expecting.
"Don't hold back. I want all the details."
"I'll start at the start. It won't make any sense otherwise. Remember last Sunday I went out?"
"Yeah."
"I was helping Rei with his stroke at the school pool."
"And you and he ended up in some sort of relationship?"
"How did you know?"
"Just a lucky guess." And a friend that knows how to eavesdrop like a pro.
"But, there's a little more to it than that." I perk up, interested. "He was having a bit of a problem. He had a crush on two people, and he couldn't decide between them."
"Am I allowed to know who?"
"Take a guess." He smiles, with a sort of improper pleasure.
"Well, Nagisa would be one, I guess."
"Correct."
"The other… who might it be? Not you, obviously."
"Thanks for reminding me."
"Sorry." I clasp my hands in a gesture of apology. "Who else? Not Haruka-senpai, surely."
"No."
"Not Makoto-senpai, either. So someone outside the swim club?"
"Nope."
I'm confused for a minute. Nagisa was the right answer. And the other person was in the swim club. But it's not Onii-chan, Makoto-senpai or Haruka-senpai. Then who? Wait a minute. "Don't tell me…"
"Yep."
"Me? Seriously? Why?"
"I didn't exactly drill him for details, but he definitely thinks you're pretty. He really liked you in that dress, he said."
"Well, that's a complement, I guess." I blush. "But how exactly did that wind up with you two together?"
"I kind of got lost in myself and said something stupid, like "I'm half-Gou, half-Nagisa", and that he should date me to help make up his mind."
"And he agreed?"
"Neither of us was really thinking at the time. It only took us until Tuesday to figure out that it was never going to work."
"And then what?" I pretend I don't already know.
"We talked, after club, and decided to break it off. But, I lost sight of myself again. I asked if we could, just once, go on a date together. And he agreed, out of courtesy. So here we are."
"So? What was it like?"
"It was a lot of fun. We went to this water park. It just really suited, you know? Like, we met because of water, we pretended to be lovers because of water, we'll stay friends because of water. This place is like one gigantic monument to water, so it was just kind of perfect."
"So we've tied this one up and you're ready to move on and stuff, right?"
"I'm working on it. It's only been a train ride home. Give me a chance."
"Will do. Good to know you're taking it well."
"I wasn't at first. But then, I thought about that talk we had last Saturday. If nothing else, we can be alone together, can't we?" He smiles at me and I can't quite manage to look back level at him.
"Actually…"
Earlier today…
"Hana-chan! You're late!"
"Sorry, Gou! I just lost track of time."
"I need you here for moral support. You can't just up and be late on me!"
"I said sorry!"
I smile at her. "It's okay. Let's just hope he's not here quite yet." Looking around the corner, I can see that it is rather the case. So I walk out, in the blue-themed outfit Nagisa picked out. There's a nice seat under a big oak tree, so I sit in the shade under that. Hana-chan stays hidden around the corner, just in case. We can't have a confession being public, so I might need her to clean up any problems.
"Matsuoka-san!" A silver-haired boy calls out to me from across the park.
"Nitori-kun! What are you doing here?"
"I come here sometimes when I'm feeling upset." I frown, concerned.
"Is there anything wrong?"
"Well… I was missing Rin-senpai a little."
"That's sweet. I'll make sure to tell him."
"No! Please, don't let him worry about me. It's just been a while since I've seen him."
"Well, he's busy right now, but if you want, I can try and sort out a meeting time for you."
"Don't go to the trouble."
Hana-chan runs out from her hiding place. "Sorry I'm late, Gou!"
I try to pick it up and run with it, but I've never been a particularly good liar. "There you are, Hana-chan!"
"Oh, Matsuoka-san, you were waiting for somebody? Sorry to disturb you. I'll be going now."
"At least let me introduce you. Nitori-kun, this is Chigusa Hanamura, a classmate of mine. Hana-chan, this is Nitori Aiichiro-kun, my brother's former roommate." He seems to jump a little when I say "former", like I've struck an open wound.
"Ah, Gou-chan! There you are!" I sigh in some sort of relief. There he is. And he's stopped calling me Gou-kun. "Oh? Nitori? What are you doing here?"
"Captain Mikoshiba! It's been a long time since I've seen you."
"Ah, it's hot! Nitori-san, aren't you thirsty?" Hana-chan is good at this improvisation stuff. "We have to go and find some drinks!" She grabs him by the wrist and takes off like a hare. He's kind of caught up in her pace, like most people.
Thanks, Hana-chan. I think it to myself. "Seijuro-san. Hi there." I look away awkwardly.
"I was really happy you texted me, Gou-chan. I never thought I'd see the day."
"Well, about that…"
"Oh, right. You said you wanted to talk about something?"
"Yeah. I just needed to talk to someone outside the swim club about it."
"Why's that?"
"It's just been recently, but they've all started getting into relationships and stuff. Like, romantic, physical relationships."
"With each other?"
"How'd you guess?"
"Anyone could."
"I guess you're right." The conversation falls flat for a minute.
"So why did you text me?"
"I started feeling really lonely. Out of the six of us, I'm the only one with no real way in. So I just suddenly felt like I'd always be alone. I'm sorry to just dump it on you like this, but I needed to tell someone, and I didn't want to make them all feel bad."
"But why did you text me? As in me, specifically? What about the friend of yours that just ran off with Nitori?" We both blush and start looking away from one another.
"Hana-chan's too much an optimist. She'd just keep saying "It'll be fine", and I wouldn't get anything out of the conversation."
"Well, if you can come to me looking for comfort, I guess I can tell you this."
"Tell me what?"
"I'd kind of had a huge crush on you for a really long time."
"I know. That's why I texted you, specifically."
"What!? How?"
"I saw your room that one time by accident, and there were pictures of me everywhere. And a draft of a love letter, if I recall."
"You weren't supposed to see that then. You were supposed to see it now." He pulls an envelope out of his pocket, crumpled like he forgot it was there and sat on it or something. He tries to hand it me, but I don't let him.
"If you can write it, you can say it."
"I'm not very good at this sort of thing, that's all."
"Then, you don't have to say it yet. Let's catch up some other time."
"As in, like, a date?" He blushes furiously.
"You could call it that, sure. How's Tuesday at four sound? I hear there are some good movies on." Hana-chan and Nitori-kun come back, unsuccessful in their 'search for a drink.' "Look, they're back."
"This is must be the only park ever not to have a vending machine in it!" Hana-chan looks exasperated.
"That's okay. We're done here anyway." I turn around and wink at Seijuro-san. He's still red as a tomato. "See you soon, Seijuro." He realises I've left out honorifics and rushes to say a formal goodbye.
"Keep in contact, Gou-chan!" It comes out kind of clumsy and awkward. I wave to him, and he waves back. "Tuesday at four is perfect. I'll text throughout the week, 'kay?"
"See you then." Hana-chan and I run back towards the station. At the last possible moment, she turns around and screams back at them.
"I'll text you too, Nitori-kun!" I look at her sideways, a little bit suspicious. "What? He's nice, so we exchanged numbers. It's nothing more. Yet." She winks at me.
"You sure know how to pick 'em."
"What? You think I couldn't tell?"
"He reeks of it, doesn't he?"
"Not completely. I think he might be… open to persuasion."
"If anyone can, it's you, Hana-chan. Persuasive is what you do best."
"It is, isn't it?" We laugh on our way down to the platform. "Oh, well. I'm catching the train from over there. See you at school! I'm glad it all went well."
I consider asking her how she knew, but it was fairly obvious, actually. "Thanks! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, too!"
"And so here we are." I laugh sheepishly.
"You can't do this kind of stuff behind my back, Gou."
"Why not? I'm seventeen. I can take care of myself. And it's not like I'm dating some random stranger from the street corner. We both know the guy!"
"I guess so. But, if he so much as lays one finger wrong, I will kill him."
"That's a bit harsh. I'm a big girl now, Onii-chan."
"You are, huh? Well then, does the big girl with no way in have a solution for her Onii-chan who's been locked out?"
"As it happens, I just might." I can tell he wasn't expecting that. "Come with me." I lead him up the stairs to my room, pushing my way in gracelessly and ripping my bottom drawer open. "It's supposed to be a surprise, but what the hell." I hold out a small rectangle of colourful paper out to him triumphantly.
"Am I supposed to know what this is?"
"Remember the letter for me last Sunday? Turns out it wasn't a Muscles Monthly subscription." I can see him readying a comeback, so I nip it in the bud. "Just read it."
I can only just manage to read it upside down, because I already know more or less what it says.
Gou-chan,
You mightn't remember me, but I'm Yamazaki Sosuke. I was a good friend of your brother's back when we were in Sato Elementary School together. You might remember my sister, Rue, better – you and her did ballet together for a little while. Be that as it may, can I ask you a little favour?
The cost of living's just taken a huge hike in Sato because of this new water park. I don't really get it, but our family can't afford both rent and food anymore, so we have to move. And we found this really nice place for cheap in Iwatobi.
I remember it like it was yesterday. You two had to move to Iwatobi. It broke my heart, thinking I'd never see Rin again. Even though we were only about ten. But, the world works in strange ways. In the long run, we wound up together again. So, can I trust you to organise a little accidentally-on-purpose meeting for Rin and I? He and I have a promise to keep.
Our address is in the phone book, under my father's name, Yamazaki Kenta.
I beg this favour of you,
Yamazaki Sosuke
"Sosuke…"
"Don't you even think about saying you forgot him."
"Exactly the opposite. I've been thinking about him a lot recently."
"Oh. Well, then. That saves me a lot of trouble."
"Why do you think he wants this accidentally-on-purpose meeting?"
"That depends on what the promise was."
"I can't tell you that."
"I'd figured as much. But, at its core, I'd say he just wants a perfect reunion and just doesn't trust the universe to make it happen by itself."
Onii-chan smiles, the same way he did when he was young. "This changes everything, doesn't it?"
"So this is the solution you were looking for?"
"I can't know for sure yet. But it just might be."
I hug his left arm and lay my head on his shoulder. "Glad I could help."
On my very first day at school, ever, I was so nervous. I didn't know anybody and I was afraid I would make a right idiot out of myself and wind up being that kid nobody liked. I didn't think five-year-olds were meant to think that way, but I did. My parents had to walk me to the classroom to make sure I didn't get lost. When I got there, there was already one other kid there. Just one, a boy. I tried not to notice him, instead making myself busy saying goodbye to my parents. Just in case he was going to be cruel or whatever like that. But me and my curious five-year-old self couldn't look away from him for too long after Mum and Dad left. He was playing with some toy blocks, with some random symbols on them I couldn't understand. I knew they were English letters, but I didn't know what they meant, I couldn't tell them apart. He looked up from his play and smiled at me, reaching out a hand. "Why don't you join in?"
At first, I tried to push further into the wall, to become invisible, but something felt weird. If I was so worried about making friends, why was I pushing him away? So I made my way over, still trying not to look at him. Eventually, I sat down in front of him. In a moment of courage, I looked up, straight into his eyes. Something just pushed words out of me like water out of a fountain. "I-I'm Matsuoka Rin." Even though it was only my name, I stumbled on the pronunciation with nerves. "Nice to meet you."
"Rin-chan, is it? Your name sounds like a girl's." He laughs, but not offensively. It's sort of welcoming.
"Don't laugh. It really isn't all that funny. There are plenty of boys called Rin."
"I'm not laughing because it's funny. I think it's kind of cute. I'm Yamazaki Sosuke. I can tell we'll be great friends." He reached his hand out again, and I took it. A casual handshake, but it meant a lot more than that to us.
"What does that say?" It looks like he's made a word out of the blocks with English letters on them.
"I'm not sure. I just thought the order looked natural."
The teacher pokes her head over our shoulders, inspecting the blocks. "How do you know that word, you clever little boys?"
"It was just an accident! We're not geniuses or anything!" I shook my head and hands, trying to deflect the complement. That's just proper etiquette.
"Sensei? What does it say?" Sosuke was more curious.
"Do-ri-mu. 'Dream'. It's the English word for 'yume'".
"'Dorimu', huh?" Thinking about it now, I realise that his five-year-old voice box could not make that sound at all. "Do you have any dreams, Rin-chan?"
My face breaks out in a smile. "I'm going to swim in the Olympics! I'm going to set a world record, be the fastest swimmer the world's ever seen!" I was so excited about it back then.
"Really? Maybe we can go together." He smiles gently at me.
"You mean…"
"Yep! I want to go to the Olympics as a swimmer, too!" We start staring into each other's eyes, and our hands work together until we're holding hands, as kids do. "I'll see you at the swim club, then, right?"
"You sure will! I'm finally old enough to join!" We laugh together.
"I'm glad you two have become so close so quickly. Have fun, boys!" Sensei pats us on the back and walks off. I don't think we let go of each other's hands all day.
That afternoon, our parents came to pick us up and take us to swim club. Our mothers were ecstatic. "You've made a friend so quickly!" They chanted it in unison like this had been planned since the day we were born. They hit it off as quickly as we did.
"Rin, I have to get back to work really fast, okay? So Obasan here is going to take you to swim club. Is that okay by you?"
"Of course it is!" I beam at her so hard it feels like someone's shoved extra teeth in my mouth. "I'll be going with Sosuke-chan, so of course it's okay by me!" She smiles and ruffles my hair.
"Hold onto that boy. He'll be a good friend."
"Okay!" I wave at her as she runs to the car. "Thank you for looking after me, Yamazaki-obasan!"
"Aren't you a sweet child, Rin-chan? Oh, sorry – Rin-kun."
"Rin-chan is fine." I can't stop smiling as she ushers Sosuke and I to her car, doing up our seatbelts for us because our arms are too short. "Sosuke-chan, what stroke do you think you'll swim?"
He hums in thought. "I haven't decided yet, but you always start with freestyle, don't you?"
"Yeah, but I want to swim butterfly! It might take a few years before I can handle it, but it's my favourite stroke!"
"Have you even tried it yet?"
"No, but it's the stroke that Daddy did. I've seen videos of him doing it, and I want to do it, too!"
"Is it really okay to do it because your daddy did? Shouldn't you find out for yourself which one you like best?"
"Of course I will! I'm just sure it'll be butterfly, because that's Daddy's stroke."
Sosuke gives me that understanding smile. "Well, then, I'll swim butterfly with you."
My mouth falls open with excitement. I throw myself against the seatbelt, trying to get close enough to hug him. I can't quite reach, so I just grab his hand and look at him with stars dancing in my eyes. "Thanks, Sosuke-chan!"
We were always like that. For forever, we were completely inseparable. And even when we got older, we still held each other's hands when we needed comfort. One time when we were about seven, his older sister Rue-chan broke her arm at a ballet lesson. She had to go to hospital overnight to have it set properly. His parents dropped him at my place, because they wanted to stay with Rue-chan. Hospitals can be freaky for eight-year-olds. He was worried about her, so we sat by the windowsill in my room.
"Do you think she'll be okay, Rin?" We stopped calling each other chan when we were six. We were too close, even for an honorific like that.
"Of course she will. She's not the first person to break an arm." I cup my left hand gently over his.
"But what about her ballet? She'll have to be in a cast for a month, at least. And she always says…"
"…If you don't practice for a day, you'll know. If you don't practice for two days, others will know. And if you don't practice for a week, your audience will know." I've spent so much time at his place I can quote his sister as easily as he can.
He looks at me with tears starting to well up at the corner of his eyes. "Exactly! So if she can't practice for a month, she might never be a professional like she wants!" Keeping our left hands together, I swing into him, wrapping my right arm around his shoulders in a makeshift hug.
"This is Rue-chan we're talking about. She'll definitely be a pro. Just like we'll definitely make it to the Olympics." He looks at me and I know he's happier now. I point out the window to the moon, shining in a sea of stars. "The moon controls the tide. You know that?"
"Yeah. What's your point?"
"I don't really know. But if the moon controls water, maybe it controls us, right?"
"We might never know."
"As long as the moon exists, I think we can achieve our dreams."
"Dorimu, right?"
"Dorimu." We look at each other and he sees the clock over my shoulder.
"It's ten o'clock, Rin. We should get some sleep."
"You're right." Neither of us have to leave the room even once. We can change into our pyjamas in front of each other, and we've already brushed our teeth. So we change quickly and climb into the bed. Together, of course. We even have a system. We each lie with our backs to each other, pushed flat. We take whichever hand is on top and twist the fingers together, tying our hands together like they would never come apart.
And then Dad died. We were ten. He was with me when I found out. I wish he wasn't. Because when I found that out, Mum also told me we couldn't afford to live in Sato anymore without his pay and had to move a long way away. The bullet train didn't quite exist yet, not in this area. So a long way away meant about an hour's drive or an hour on a train. It doesn't sound like too much now. But back then, it felt like the entire planet was wedged between us.
The day after the funeral, Sosuke and I sat back to back on a little rock ledge. Our hands reach back behind us, each holding the other's opposite.
"Sosuke?"
"Yeah?"
"Should I be sorry?"
"Of course not. There's nothing you can do."
"But…" My head drops in an effort to hide the almost-tears. "We only just swum butterfly together." After five years at the swim club, our coach decided the two of us, his star pupils, could handle butterfly about three months ago. We'd already pretty much mastered the other three strokes, as much as you could expect for a pair of ten year olds. And now it was over. Just like that.
The air hangs heavy with silence while we both look for something to say. "Look up."
Sosuke's voice cuts through my sadness like a knife. We both look up, heads resting on each other's shoulders. Even though it's four in the afternoon, the moon's clearly visible. I feel his lungs take in air, getting ready to speak. "Dorimu."
"As long as the moon exists, huh?"
"Even if we're not together, we can still achieve our dreams, can't we?"
"I can't imagine it without you anymore." That horrible silence comes back as we both realise what that means, and exactly how it true it is.
"Let's make a promise." I can see his mouth move out of the corner of my eye. "Someday…"
"Somewhere…"
The rest of the sentence falls out of mouths in unison like we were reading a script. "We'll meet again and be closer to achieving our dreams." My hands tighten over his.
The day I have to leave comes too fast. Sosuke's entire family is there to see us off. I can't stop myself from crying. And even though he's smiling, Sosuke is crying, too. Rue-chan did a special dance for us. She said she packed it full of prayers. Prayers that we'll stay connected no matter how far apart, prayers we'll come back together one day, prayers that we'll all be happy. I don't know enough about ballet to see it for myself, but I felt them. As Mum starts the car, I lean recklessly out the window and wave madly at the half of me I'm leaving behind. I see his mouth moving. Dorimu. I smile at him, and whisper it back.
I can't believe I never thought to see him. Even today. That water park is in Sato. It would have been so easy to just drop in. I can't believe I just let everything we had die like that. That's not quite right, though. It's far from dead. It's still alive, just sleeping. Now that the chance is there, I can't wait to see him again, to see if he still feels the same way.
"Onii-chan?" I shake my head a couple of times to clear my thoughts.
"What is it, Gou?"
"It's okay if you don't think so, but enough secrets. It's time we share some of this with Mum."
You know, she's right. Now that Gou and I have gone exchanging secrets and whatnot, we kind of have to let Mum into the loop at some point. Besides, I couldn't spend the rest of my life in the closet. "Good point. Is she home yet?"
"Not just yet. But I think we should do something for her. As a sort of sorry-for-leaving-you-out-the-first-time thing."
"Do you reckon, between the two of us, we can cook dinner without detonating the kitchen?"
"Who are we, Makoto-senpai?" We laugh uproariously, and I remember what it feels like to have a person who understands you. I never thought anybody would the same way Sosuke did. Well, Gou doesn't understand me quite the same way. But, hell, it's close enough. Give the girl some credit.
Dorimu. Even though I can say it properly now, I whisper it to myself the same way we said it when we were kids, looking out the window to the spot the moon will be in when it rises.
"Come on, Gou, let's get cooking!"
-Chapter 28 - Let's Get Persuasive-
I lay back on my bed a sigh a little. That Nitori-kun is pretty cute. But Gou had a point. I certainly know how to pick 'em. Is this some kind of curse that has been laid on me? Am I fated to fall in love with guys who don't really love girls in general? Or, well, not that way. I roll around a little, struggling with my decision. I know what it feels like to grow a crush, and that's definitely what I'm doing. But I don't want to hold onto it for a year and then cut it down in a day like I did with Makoto-senpai. So this time, I'm nipping it in the bud. I stand up decisively and start ruffling in my handbag, looking for my phone.
Why can I never find anything in here? I try to keep it organised. Really! But somehow, all this random crap just sort of accumulates and before long it looks like a hurricane blew through my handbag. Ah! There it is. After about three minutes of fruitless searching, I finally find my phone.
Nitori-kun, I want to talk. Can we meet again at the park tomorrow? I type it, but I don't send it. I read it over a few times. Is that too formal? Should I be more energetic? I delete what I've typed so far and try again from scratch.
Hi, Nitori-kun! I hope you're feeling better now. If it's not too much trouble, can we meet again in the park tomorrow? There's something I want to ask you. 3. Well, the heart has no place, so I delete it pretty quickly. Is that too happy? Does it sound fake? I let it echo about in my head a little. It does. So I try being more candid. But that's hard when you're talking to a keypad.
Nitori-kun, there's something I want to talk to you about. If you can, I'd like to meet you in the park tomorrow. This is important to me, so can you please reply quickly? That sounds nice. It's just the right amount of desperate – like I need his help, but not needy. It's the right amount of polite – like we're friends but there's something boiling under the surface. It's the right amount of energetic – happy, but not false. I click send and watch as my phone works its magic.
Now I play the waiting game. And it's absolute torture. Seconds drag out, and I get desperate for something to do. I grab my handbag and upend it over my bed, spilling lipstick and receipts and all sorts of things everywhere. I look into the empty bag and see little piles of dust collecting at the edges. I blow at it, trying to get them out, but it makes them blow back in my face. I cough a little, because I breathed in some dust. Now that it's clean(er), I inspect all the little pockets on the inside. There are plenty. I should devise some sort of system. There's a big one along the left side. Make-up goes in there. Three shades of pink lipstick, a compact with my favourite solid foundation and a little box with four different colours of eye shadow get tucked surreptitiously into this new hidey-hole. That's all that I have in handbag at the minute. I should probably put in some mascara just in case. I don't wear it often, but when I do, I can't risk having an emotional moment, crying and smudging it everywhere. I should put in some make-up removal wipes, too. Next to my make-up pocket is a little slide that's the perfect size for my phone. So now my phone officially has a home. No longer shall I ferret around in a handbag searching for it. My purse is large enough that you can't really miss it if it just floats in the bag, so it just goes back in. Receipts are the killer. They're awkwardly sized, but you want to make sure you have them in case you want to return something. So I decide to stack them neatly next to my purse. But I check them first, throwing out the ones I don't need anymore. And now there's all this random crap. Those water-free hand sanitisers, an old key ring and for some godforsaken reason an apple. I sort through this pile of paraphernalia (I'm not entirely sure that's the correct use of that word), throwing out the things I don't want, and poking a little at the apple before putting it aside. I'll wash it in a bit, and then eat it. It's still good. There's the really convenient zip-up pocket that runs the length of my bag, so there's plenty of room for everything I have to fit in there. I just dump it in gracelessly. I smile at myself, satisfied. I grab my phone to check the time. It's been about five minutes. It felt like five hours. I go to sigh in disappointment when it buzzes in my hand.
What time, Chigusa-san?
At least he's available. I'm glad I tried this. It might go wrong, but at least it'll go wrong fast. Just going nowhere slowly for a year sucks. Been there, done that. Time to get persuasive.
Around 10 good by you?
Perfect. See you there.
So it's 10:10 and she's not here yet. Is this a standard girl thing? And what do I say when she arrives? Are there rules or something I'm supposed to follow? I shake my head a little to try and make my thoughts clear again. Keep it together, Aiichiro. She asked for your help. I only met her yesterday. But she's nice, if a little bubbly. So I'm glad to help, if I can. And plus, it's good to make some friends outside of school and the swim team and in general. I take cover from the sun under the big oak tree in the centre of the park.
"Nitori-kun!" I turn around and see her there.
"Ah, Chigusa-san. Nice to see you." I notice something's a little bit different. "Oh? You're not wearing your hair up."
"Thanks for noticing!" She smiles at me in this really friendly way and I don't quite know what to make of it. "I've been going for a more natural look recently."
I look at my knees. I'm too shy to lock eyes with her. "I think it suits you."
"Glad to hear it." She sits next to me, and I keep looking at my knees. "So, I'm just going to be forward about this. Hope you don't mind."
"By all means, please go ahead. If I can, I'll gladly help." I manage to look up for a second, but only a second. I try to imagine what every else in the park must think we're doing. Does it look like we're on a date? I kind of hope not. And kind of hope so. I can't really tell what I think. I think it'd be nice to be able to go on a date with someone as cute as Chigusa-san, but I don't know if it's for me.
"Well, it might seem a little soon, but trust me, I'm experienced with this stuff." What is she talking about? Is about to say what I think she is? I blush pre-emptively. "We might have only met yesterday. But I'm starting to get a bit of a crush on you."
"You can tell already?"
"I've had plenty of crushes. I know the signs." She smiles. "But I've had a bit of bad run. I tend to hold onto just-crushes too long and by the time I say what I feel, they're already taken. So I'm making the first step now."
"Well, thank you. I guess. But I'm not sure I can return your feelings."
"Is it for the reason I think?"
"That depends. What do you think?" I retreat even further into my knees. Am I really that transparent?
"Does it have anything to do with Gou's older brother?"
I start at first, but I relax before too long. "A little bit, yeah."
"Well, if that's how you feel, I have no right to tell you to change. But…" She trails off a little.
"I don't really know just yet. There's definitely something for Rin-senpai, but I don't know if it's just admiration or… more than that."
"Then can we make an arrangement?"
I sit up bullet straight from surprise, and shudder with… something. Anticipation? Anxiety? I'm not sure. "What kind of arrangement?"
"While you figure out how you feel, can we go out? I mean, it's okay with me if that's too much for you. But, like, you can experience both sides of the argument, so to speak. And it'll be a great excuse to be closer to your Rin-senpai." I feel myself blushing furiously. I stammer, trying to make a phrase, but I can't break into her sentence. "And I'll finally get something out of one of my crushes. So it's a win-win, right?"
"I'm just… not sure." I can't look at her level. "I mean, I only met you yesterday and I don't really know you yet. And I certainly don't know you well enough to say whether I can love you or not. Is it right for me to date you even though I might never love you?"
"You're the only one who can make that call. I mean, I'm fine with it. But the decision will have to fall on you sometime." She suddenly seems quieter, more mature, like a butterfly has just now poked it head out of the cocoon that is Chigusa Hanamura.
"I guess… if you're okay with that, then… as long as you know that I may never feel anything for you." I squirm, uncomfortable, fighting with the words. "Then it'd be great."
She reaches across and places her hand gently on top of mine, even though we can't meet eye to eye. "Thanks a lot."
"Chigusa-san…"
"Call me Hana."
"Hana-san, then. Don't thank me. It makes it feel too much like a lie. I think I'll enjoy it too. Being able to spend time with you. It's the first time I've ever really had a serious relationship with anybody. And I can't exactly go saying which team I bat for without some kind of experience. So I owe you as much as you owe me. I won't thank you yet. That's what a relationship is all about, isn't it? We do things for each other without expecting thanks in return, because we already know the other's grateful."
"Listen to you, you little poet-swimmer-man!"
I blush again. "That's just how I feel. Or it's all that I know that I feel." I shy away.
"Well, I think it's sweet." Our hands are still intertwined. "I've got to go. Mum's expecting me back. But I'll call soon, okay?"
"Okay." We both stand as she goes to leave. Almost involuntarily, we end up with arms around each other. "See you soon, Hana-san."
"You will, Aiichiro-kun." With that, she breaks the hug and runs off. I sigh to myself. Have I really made the right decision? A leaf breaks off the oak tree and floats down in front of me. I reverse its path in my head and find the branch it fell off. But there's really no way to tell – it looks the same way it did before. I smile to myself. So what if I made the wrong decision? Maybe a leaf or two will just fall off me and I'll keep being the way I was before. I'll just have to wait and see.
-Chapter 29 - Confessions-
"Mum! Dad! Is it okay if I stay at Haru's tonight?"
"You'll have to ask him, but that's fine by us."
"I'm okay with it too, Obasan." Haru cries out from beside me.
"Oh, Haruka! You're here, too! I'll prepare some tea!"
"Please, don't worry yourself. I'll only be here until Makoto packs his bag."
We smile at each other. A little longer than that, but tea is still too much. We both pack into my small-ish room, and I pull a little canvas bag out of my cupboard. "Let's see, what'll I need?" I roll my eyes over my cupboard. "Fresh clothes for tomorrow." I pull a set out as I say it. "Some personal toiletries." I stay over fairly often, so I've gotten savvy. I have a small plastic bag with a toothbrush, some toothpaste, that kind of stuff, specifically for the purpose of taking to Haru's when I sleep over. In the bag it goes. I slap my forehead. "Pyjamas, of course." Haru gives me this interesting sidewards glance. Maybe you won't need them so much. That's what it seems to say. I blush a little, trying to stop myself from hoping so. "That should be it." I zip the bag shut and we walk back downstairs, leaving the bag near the door.
"Mum! Dad! Before I go, there's something I want to talk to you about!"
Haru and I make our way into the kitchen, because it doubles as a dining area and it's the only room in the house with a table. We take neighbouring seats, joining hands under the table. "We'll be there in a second!"
"Huh? No fair! Why aren't we allowed to hear?" Ren and Ran chirp up from somewhere.
'If he wanted to talk to you about it, he would have asked for you! Respect your Onii-chan's privacy!" Haru and I smile at each other and laugh. Those two.
Mum and Dad barge in, looking kind of exhausted. "Okay. Makoto, what is it?"
I freeze up a little. "Well, I don't really know how to say this, but…"
No matter what, I can't seem to find the rest of the sentence. I look at Haru, hoping the words might be written on his face. But unsurprisingly, no such luck. If we're together, it won't be frightening at all. No. It's not. I take charge of our joined hands and bring them to the top of the table. "We're kind of together."
"Only kind of?" Mum looks at us with the warmest smile on her face. Dad mirrors it. "I expected more than that from you two."
"Mum! You mean…"
"We're you're parents, Makoto." Dad speaks, softly but strongly. "Noticing these kinds of things is our job." They share a glance. "We're happy that you can say it confidently."
I try to find something to say, but nothing comes up, so I just stand up and throw myself around them, my head falling laxly onto Dad's right shoulder. Mum leans in and kisses the top of my head. "Did you really think we'd be anything but happy for you?"
I look up, with tears in my eyes and shake my head. "No. But still, I'm so glad you are." Haru stands up quietly and leaves the room. Mum, Dad and I just stay like this for a minute. Or maybe several. Time kind of stood still. "Thanks. Mum, Dad. Thanks." I'm still crying, but I don't really know why.
We walk to the door, and Haru's waiting there, holding my bag. "Take good care of him, Haruka." Mum smiles at Haru. This is hardly the first time she's said that, but it's the first time she's said it like that.
He smiles back at her, and that's definitely a first. "I will." With that, we walk out the door together, waving as we leave.
I don't think my confession will go as smoothly as Makoto's. I don't even know if it's going to happen. I guess I'm in fate's hands now. I half-dread, half-anticipate the call. And for a minute, I'm jealous of Makoto. I'm jealous that he can talk openly and easily with his parents, and that they've been around for so long they figured our feelings out before we did. I can't say I regret that my parents had to leave me alone. I've had a comfortable life as a result. And there are some things I plan to do I wouldn't have the guts to do with parents in the house.
We arrive at my front door and push our way in. It wasn't locked anyway. It's hardly ever locked. I take Makoto by the hand again and lead him over to the phone. "Whatever you do, don't let go." He just nods at me. Taking the phone off the hook, I punch in my parent's number.
The call connects and then rings one, two, three times. I begin expecting their message bank. And I don't know if that annoys me, or comforts me. It rings a fourth time and start to hope it's comforting. A fifth ring tells me it's annoying and a sixth ring heralds the words I don't want to hear.
Just in time, Mum answers. "Haruka! This is a rare surprise!" I can hear Dad calling out his agreement.
"I have something kind of important I need to talk about."
"Is there a hike in power bills again? That damned company can't leave our back pocket alone!"
"No, no. It's nothing like that at all. It's more… personal."
Stunned silence echoes through the handset. "Haruka? You're calling us about a personal problem?" Dad has to talk, because Mum's started crying madly. "This may sound terrible, but that makes us very happy."
"Well, it's not really a problem. There's just something you need to know." I'm a little less tense now.
"Come on, out with it!" Mum manages a short sentence through her joyful sobbing.
"I'm gay." I just let it hang for a moment. "I'm dating Makoto from the swim club."
I sense that they don't quite know what to say. "Haruka… I'm so sorry." I'm not quite sure what Mum means. "I'm sorry that you have to tell us this over the phone. I'm sorry that we don't have the kind of relationship where you can tell us everything straightaway. I'm sorry that we're so far away and hardly ever come home." She breaks down crying again.
"I'm sorry, too, Haruka. No parents should leave their child the way we left you. And even now, with something this important, we're not around to be with you." I hear his voice catch and realise he might be crying too. I think that's the first time ever. Without warning, my own eyes start welling up.
"There's nothing to be sorry about." It sounds like something a good child says to assuage their parent's guilt, but it's genuine. "I understand why you did it, and I've been able to have a good life because of it. And I have my friends. And now, my boyfriend." I can't hold my tears back anymore and now all three of us are crying audibly into our respective handsets. I tighten my grip on Makoto's hand and he wraps his arms and legs around me from behind, not interfering with the handset. "If I could have it all over, I wouldn't do anything differently."
"We're so happy to hear that, Haruka." We try to keep pushing words out through our sobs, but it doesn't work so well. So we just sob until the time is right for it to start dying down. "Now, it's about time for dinner. Make yourself something really nice, okay? Some mackerel curry, maybe."
"I will. Enjoy your dinner, too."
"We're so proud of you, no matter what happens. So just know that we love you, okay?"
"I love you guys, too." I can practically hear them smiling through the phone.
"Call soon, okay?"
"I will." I hang up the handset and dry off my eyes.
"Nice to see they took it well." Makoto smiles gently at me.
"That's the first decent conversation I've had with them in ages." I close the gap between us and kiss him. "Thanks for being there, Makoto. I couldn't have done it without you."
"I'm sure you could have." We sit just there for a minute, me kind of nestled in his lap as a vestige from his embrace.
"Now, time for dinner. Mackerel curry okay by you?"
"It's your choice tonight."
"It's always my choice, so I want you to pick. If you want something, tell me. I can make it."
"Why not something a little gourmet, then? We deserve to celebrate!"
"I don't have much in the house, but I'll improvise."
"I'll help. As much as I can." We both stand up and head towards the pantry, throwing ingredients back and forth trying to make up a dish. "Can you do anything French? Seems appropriate for a couple's first meal." He laughs as he looks behind a bag of flour for something.
"I could do up a mackerel bouillabaisse, but we probably won't eat until midnight." I keep it a secret, but that was my plan all along.
"That's fine. Let's stay up all night and cook together!" He's excited.
"Sounds like fun."
Nagisa and I decide my house is close enough to walk to, so we start walking. If we make it back by five, I can talk with my parents and then head over to Nagisa's place to talk with his over dinner, perhaps. I try not to think ahead. I still have to talk to my parents, after all. "Nagisa?"
"Yeah, Rei-chan?"
"What do you think I should say?"
He hums, considering. "You're the only one who knows that, Rei-chan."
"What do I do if they're angry about it?"
"You can move in with me if you have to."
"I don't think that's really an option."
"Why not? We can share a bed and everything. If you bring a suitcase big enough to hold all you clothes and stuff, we can just throw it in the corner and you can live out of that. And we always have leftovers at dinner, so feeding an extra mouth isn't a problem. Plus, my sisters would love you."
"Still, I can't impose like that."
"But don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself, Rei-chan? Let's actually tell them first and then worry about how to cope with the fallout."
"It's not that easy, Nagisa! If everything goes south, I need a plan!"
"It's not going to. Chill out a little!" He pats me on the shoulder and for some reason, I immediately calm down. I have no reason to suspect my parents will be adverse to this discovery, theoretically. So I don't need to worry. Yet.
"Rei-chan, stop." My thoughts being occupied as they were, I almost walked straight past my house. "Geez, pay more attention."
I knock on the door. "I'm home."
"Welcome back, Rei. Did you enjoy your day?"
"Yeah." I smile, more naturally than I was expecting.
"Oh. Nagisa-kun. It's been a little while."
"Nice to see you, Ryuugazaki-san."
"Is it alright if I go over to Nagisa's for dinner, Mother?"
"I'm fine with that provided his parents are."
"I've already checked. They're happy for it. They always cook too much anyway." Nagisa subtly jabs at my side. Stop stalling and just tell her already.
"Is Father around? There's something I need to discuss."
"He's in the shower. If you hang on a minute, he'll be out."
"Oh! Rei-chan, I need to borrow some books while I'm here."
"O-Okay, then. Come on in." We take off our shoes and make our way into my room, when I exhale with some sort of relief. "Thanks for that one, Nagisa. I didn't want to be waiting around for it."
"I know. I'm your boyfriend, if only since recently. I know these things."
"Does a matter of half an hour really classify as being my boyfriend?"
"Quit being so picky."
"I'm not being picky!" We realise how familiar this conversation is. He says something obtuse, I overreact. Even if we're a couple now, nothing's really changed.
"Rei! You're father's done! Come down quickly so that you're not late for dinner at Nagisa's!"
"Rei-chan." Nagisa catches me by the sleeve as I turn around. "Do you want me there with you, or do you want it to be private?"
"Come down and stand outside the room. It's comforting knowing you're within earshot."
"Okay, then." We walk back to the sort of entrance-hall-come-dining-room where Mother and Father sit, waiting for me. Nagisa waits just outside the door and I go in and sit down on the opposite side of the table.
"Oh? Where's Nagisa?"
"This is a little bit private."
"If it's private from him, this must be serious. Is everything okay, Rei?"
They both stare at with, eyes overflowing with concern. I don't know what word should come next, so I squirm sort of uncomfortably. Is there a graceful way of saying it? Or do I say it straightforwardly? Is there a theory for this situation? Nothing comes to me, so I throw theory to the wind and let my instincts take over. I sit up bullet straight, close my eyes and half-whisper, half-scream it. "I'm bisexual."
They look at each other, with a little bit of surprise, and then back to me. Mother speaks first. "What brought this on?"
The truth pours out of me faster than I can think to stop it. "Last Saturday, Nagisa confessed to me. The day after that, Rin, one of the senpais in the swim club, confessed to me as well. And when I thought about it, I realised I had feelings for Nagisa as well. So, here we are."
"Well, at least my prospects for a grandchild aren't totally ruined." Father jabs her in the ribs.
"Dear! Don't be so selfish!"
"Oh, come off it. I'm only kidding." She winks at me. "All we care about is that you're happy. If that happens to mean you're with another guy, who cares? Live your life the way you think is best, Rei. That's the way we raised you."
"Now, you have a dinner date, don't you? Get going!" Father stands up can starts ushering us all out of the room. He and Mother go out one door, and I beckon Nagisa in from the other.
"That went over well."
"It did, didn't it?" I'm smiling like an idiot. It shouldn't be so relieving. Some part of me knew that's how they'd react. But still, I feel like I shed some great weight from my shoulders, some tension I've just released.
"Now, hurry up! Mum's expecting us soon!" He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me out the door and I just smile. I don't mind getting caught up in his pace like that. So we run/jog/walk (he got tired as we went, so we slowed down) to Nagisa's house.
"Oh, Nagisa. Just in time! Dinner's ready!" Mum opens to door to find a panting me and a not-panting Rei-chan. He's a much better runner.
"Rei-chan's over to eat, too."
"Yes, yes, I know. I made plenty." We walk in, leaving our shoes at the door and sliding immediately into neighbouring seats at a laden table.
Dinner makes it way around, and we eat while making standard, polite, family-style conversation. My sisters try to invite Rei into the conversation.
"Rei-chan, do you like our mother's cooking?", "Rei-chan, what's your favourite subject?", "Rei-chan, what do you think about my new hair clip?" That sort of thing.
He responds gracefully with short and punchy answers, trying to leave the discussion open for my impending injection. "Yes. Physics. It's nice, but maybe you should have bought a pink one." I, on the other hand, messily pick up meat and rice from the chicken curry on my plate and shove it gracelessly into my mouth, eating faster than some would deem biologically possible. Rei-chan tries nudging me in the sides. When are you going to tell them?
I glare at him sideways. In due time, in due time.
"Thanks for the food!" I declare triumphantly over an empty plate. "By the way, everybody, I'm gay. Rei-chan and I are an official item as of 4:30 today."
"That's nice, dear." Mum waves it off.
"Nice to know you're happy with that. If you are, I am." Dad's never been much of a talker.
"Aw… I wanted to date Rei-chan!" The youngest of my sisters, Ami, is a tragic love-nut.
"You two make the cutest couple, though. Make sure you don't break up, okay?" The middle, Michiru, is the most mature, if not the oldest.
"Wait, what? Nagisa-chan, you're gay? Woah… shock!" My eldest sister, Reika, looks around to the rest of table. "Or… am I the only one who didn't notice?" She hangs her head as I grab Rei-chan by the wrist and drag him up to my room.
"No offence, Nagisa, but your family's weird."
"Now you know where I get it from."
"I guess I have to thank them, then, don't I?"
We kind of naturally find our way onto my bed. We lie parallel to one another, on our sides, legs splayed so that they kind of stack up on top of one another. Our faces end up remarkably close. Rei-chan's glasses sit a little off-kilter because of gravity and stuff, I guess.
"When do you have be home, Rei-chan?"
"My parents'll understand as long as I'm back before dark. So I have probably have about an hour-and-a-half."
"In that case, can I ask for some help with a little problem?"
"Ah! Finally done!" Onii-chan and I do a double-handed high-five over the small banquet we've prepared. Mum's probably going to kill us for cooking so much, but we can always reheat it or something if we have to. We look with pride over our efforts. Rice as a base, of course, but we cooked it in a vegetable broth so it actually tastes like something. A curry, sweetened with a bit of honey. Apparently, people do that in Australia because it offsets the spice. I don't mind it myself, actually. Some rolled omelettes, well salted, with different kinds of meat in the them – one pork, one chicken, and a third one with some beef offcuts we find in some random corner of the fridge. We're going full gourmet today.
"I'm home!" Mum pushes her way in the door with the normal cheery ring in her voice. We quickly put the last glass in place on the table, so we have a full, formalised, set table. We stand in front of it, in some feeble attempt to hide it and wait for her to turn the corner into the room.
"Welcome home." I don't think either of us really made an effort, but it fell out in unison anyway.
Her entire face brightens up as she takes stock of what's in front of her. "What's brought this on?"
Onii-chan and I look sheepishly at on another. "Well, you see…"
He takes charge of the sentence midway so that neither of us seems to be at fault. "We have some secrets we need to tell you."
"What kind of secret warrants a dinner like this?"
"Oh, the dinner's not for the secrets." It kind of hops out of my mouth before I can think about how to say it.
"The dinner's because we told each other before we told you. We kept you out of the loop a little. This is us saying sorry." Onii-chan smiles, and a blind man could see how happy that makes Mum.
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's pig out and fess up at the same time!" We all slide neatly into seats, Mum at the head of the table like always and one of us at each side. We each pick out one piece each of the rolled omelettes and add them to the plates we pre-set with rice and curry. Mum takes the first bite. "Oh, God, this is seriously good. I should let you two do the cooking more often."
Onii-chan and I stare at each other, trying to reach some mutual agreement before we each give up our secrets. His is bigger. So should he go first? We argue with our eyes until we decide that I'm up first.
"Some, come on, you two, out with it. What are these secrets you're dying to tell me?"
"Well… I've kind of gotten a boyfriend."
"That's great news!" Mum's smile just keeps getting wider and wider, showing more teeth than what I thought people actually possessed. "So what's he like?"
"We're not some hot item yet. We've only been official since this afternoon, and our first date's this Tuesday." Onii-chan chokes up from across the table. "Relax, Onii-chan! I said I can take care of myself and I meant it!"
Mum can't hold her happiness in anymore and just bursts out laughing. "You two need to cough up secrets more often. This is so much fun! It's been way too long since we've had a family moment like this, don't you think?" You know what? It really has. "So, now Gou's out in the open, it's your turn, Rin. Come on. Don't be getting all shy on me."
I'm not getting shy on her or anything like that. I just feel like I'll ruin the mood. So I take a few bites and drain my glass of water before I start. Gou looks at me meaningfully.
"I can't beat the suspense! Hurry, Rin, I need to know!" Mum seems to be having way too much fun. Well, at least she's not being gloomy.
"Well, uh, uhmm…" I'm not self-conscious or anything about it, it's just actually saying it seems a bit blunt. Is there some kind of euphemism or something I should use instead? "I'm gay." Guess not.
"You know something? While I'm glad you two have done this and all, really, you have the worst secrets." Gou and I look at each other in confusion. "Did you think I was going to be ashamed or worried or anything like that? You're still who you are, no matter what."
She leans in like even the walls aren't supposed to hear her next sentence. "I've never told you this, but you're old enough to know. When your father and I first started trying for kids, we had one thing in mind. Our kids will grow up to be the kind of people who know what they want and never give up on it. I remember it like it was yesterday." Her eyes glaze over a little, both with memory and the happy species of tears. "And that's exactly what both of you have done. I couldn't ask for better children, and I couldn't possibly be prouder of you than what I am." She reaches her arms out wide and just manages to hug both of us. "Your father is, too. I can tell."
We kind of fold into each other, wrapping our arms about each other's shoulders as best we can reach. Across the table, Gou and I can just manage to hold each other by the elbow. Both of our heads lay onto Mum's shoulders and we sort of cry, sort of smile together.
"Now, we're all done confessing, so let's do some eating! I didn't know I had a pair of chefs on my hands!" So we resume our meal with gusto, and we all look at the portion we set aside for Dad. It's didn't feel right to leave him out of it, even if he's definitely not going to be around. He mightn't actually be here, but it feels like he is. It feels like our family is a unit, like it was in the old days. Back when we lived in Sato, and I lived as much with Sosuke as I did with them.
I smile on the inside. I've almost totally rebuilt my life. My family's back together again (-ish – it's close enough for me), and I'm not fighting with Haru and that lot anymore. Now if I can just get Sosuke back, it'll be perfect, won't it?
-Chapter 30 - Commence Study(?) Group!-
There was this one maths exercise I just couldn't crack. Something with trigonometry and functions and angle sums and stuff. I just can't make it make sense. So I asked Rei-chan for help.
"You know, Nagisa, I thought you meant something quite different when you asked me for help with a problem."
"What? Why? What else could I possibly mean?"
"Well…" He blushes.
"Oh. That. Well, there's no reason that has to be off the table."
"Yes, there is! We've only been together for a matter of hours! That's just not right!"
"What's not right about it?"
He blushes and turns away. "It's just not right."
"Well, okay then." I smile at him. "You can still help me study, right?" I throw myself onto my bed and lay the book in front of me. "Hop on."
He tries to find an argument to justify both to me and himself why he shouldn't. But he comes up short and just does it in the end. We lay with our heads together at and the head of the bed and our bodies straight out behind us, occasionally overlapping. My legs stop about three inches short of his, but I bend them back up at the knees and cross my ankles, also pushing my legs open at the back. I'm not sure if it's accidentally or not, but Rei-chan threads his right leg through my open legs, meaning our thighs lie gently on top of one another's and my right foot very nearly arches down to his small of his back. "So, what's your problem, exactly?"
I tear my mind away from the configuration of our legs to the actual problem I asked for help with. "I just can't see how to start them. If I could get the first step, I'd be okay, I think."
"Okay. Let's start with this one." He points to one particular question that I've circled aggressively in red pen. Prove sin2x=2tanx/(1+tan2x). He hums for a little bit. I try to read his mind, just as an experiment. I'm not too sure how to start this one myself. That's what I think he's thinking. Suddenly, he clicks his fingers. Got it! I was right.
"Okay. Here's how it's done." He talks softly, almost seductively. Of course, it's about maths, so it's hardly seductive. But whatever. "Expand the double-angle sine-2x. Do you know the expansion, Nagisa?"
I sigh, distracted by the toughness in his jawline. "It's something like 2-sine-x-cos-x, isn't it?"
"Exactly. Then, since sine-squared-xplus cos-squared-xequals one, we divide through by that, forming the fraction 2-sine-x-cos-x over sine-squared-xplus cos-squared-x."
"Oh. And because that equals one, we aren't actually changing the fraction!"
"Precisely." He manages to adjust his arm enough to fiddle with his glasses. I'm surprised there's enough room, actually. "Then, consider the fraction. If we divide the denominator and numerator by cos-squared-x, we've effectively multiplied by one, again not changing the value."
"And then, dividing each term by cos-squared-x, since tan-x equals sine-x over cos-x, we get the answer!" You know, maths is actually pretty fun when accompanied by Rei-chan on a soft bed.
"Nice observation, Nagisa. You'd be surprised how often that has to be spelt out."
I use the leverage my leg has over his to tie us together, managing to twist us far enough so we lie face to face. "Can I claim a reward?"
He blushes, attempting to shy away, but he can't find the space. "Only a small one."
"That's enough for me." And before I can even get the sentence out properly, I've jammed our lips together. But he only lets me hold briefly. "We need to do that more often."
"At the minute, you need to do your homework."
"Stop being so responsible! We've just gotten together! Have a little fun."
He pushes back to his heels like he's making to stand up. "Fun comes later. All in due time, Nagisa." The way he says it just makes me want it more. "I'll be heading home now."
"What? You said you had an hour and a half."
"I said I had at most an hour and a half. I don't want my parents to be worried."
I pout. "Well, then, see you at school, I guess." He leaves with a silent but meaningful stare back at me, and I roll onto my back and sigh. Dammit. I was enjoying that.
I'm not sure that was the best decision. It was just kind of an instinct. I reverted to theories, and they dictated that a 'playing hard-to-get' (in the vernacular) approach would be the most effective. That said, I can't get Nagisa out of my head. I arrive home, and push my way in without ceremony or announcement. Silently, I go to my room and start my homework. I could have been doing it with Nagisa, but I've already made my decision now, so I can't go back on it. I start with chemistry, because I find it's always a good way to clear the mind.
What mass of sodium carbonate is produced per litre of saturated brine in the Solvay Process? Straightforward enough.
Sodium chloride has a solubility of Nagisa moles per litre in water, meaning Nagisa moles are introduced. These react in the carbonator in a ratio of 1-to-1 with sodium hydrogen carbonate, meaning Nagisa moles of the latter are formed. These react into a 2-to-1 ratio to form sodium carbonate, meaning a half-Nagisa moles are produced. Multiplying by its molar weight of Nagisa, this means Nagisa grams are produced per litre of saturated sodium chloride solution.
Wait. That's not right. There's no numbers in my calculation. I sigh to myself. He's not budging, is he? I move on to a more intense motion exercise in the hope of exorcising him from my brain. If a particle travels with acceleration proportional to its velocity, find an expression for displacement in terms of v. Again, straightforward.
Let Nagisa be the constant of proportionality, meaning acceleration equals Nagisa-v. Acceleration also equals v-dv-dx. Thus, the derivative of v with respect to x is equal to Nagisa. Integrating both sides with respect to x, we return v equals Nagisa-x. Rearranging such that x is the subject, we see x equals v-over-Nagisa.
Wait. That's not right. Or, well, it's not wrong. But Nagisa is not a traditional constant of proportionality. Normally, one uses k. Oh, well. Close enough. Perhaps some trigonometry can clear my brain. Find the exact value of sin-arctan3. I adjust my glasses. No challenge at all.
Construct a two-dimensional coordinate system. A tangent ratio will be positive in the first and third quadrants. Thus, construct two triangles with inclinations at the origin of arctan3 and π+arctan3 to the positive horizontal axis. By the definition of the tangent ratio, we can assign values of 3 and -3 to their respective heights and 1 and -1 to their respective widths. By Pythagorean geometry, the hypotenuse is of strictly positive length root-10. Thus, sin-arctan3 can be seen as equivalent to Nagisa. I mean, positive-negative Nagisa. Wait. Dammit! So close. Closing my book calmly, I reach for my phone. If you can't beat them, join them, right?
A few buttons later, I've called Nagisa. I find myself nervous. What if he's busy, or listening to music, or just ignores me? The idea is threatening. I'm almost hyperventilating. Rei-chan?
I breathe comfortably again, like the sound his voice exercised some medical influence on my pulmonary system. "Nagisa. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't get anything done. All I can think about is you." It falls out of my mouth before I can stop it.
I can practically hear him smiling over the phone. Well, it's too late for you to come back over. But, I get free calls on my phone after 8. So, I'll call you back in half-an-hour and we'll talk all night, okay?
I resist the urge to say no, I need you right now. "Okay. I'll be waiting."
Try to do something to pass the time. And just like that, he's gone, and I'm lost without him. I try to go back to homework, but finding the number of moles of Nagisa travelling with acceleration inversely proportional to Nagisa according to the equation x equals arcsine of Nagisa doesn't seem an attractive way to pass the time. I try reading a book on swimming theories, but my fingers find the breast stroke section and my brain makes all the diagrams look like Nagisa. I check this science journal I'm subscribed to, just in case they've published some massive breakthrough. But I only see articles on the anionic transfer properties of Nagisa and a study stating gravity has been proven a Nagisa. I try just lying on my bed, but I try to reshape the curves and brackets in the ceiling to look like Nagisa. I try listening to music but I think about Nagisa and his music and his album and the promise we made over it that I'll keep if it kills me. I check my watch, sure by now it's past eight and he's just caught up in something else and not noticed. I'm disappointed to see it's only a quarter to Nagisa. I've only done half of the half-hour and I'm at my limit. Nothing I do can alienate this craving from my mind. So instead I let myself bathe in it, torturous as it is in this forced denial, and the last 15 minutes sort of fly by, strangely enough.
My phone rings and I jump on it like a fat kid on a cupcake. "Nagisa, finally!"
You sound desperate, Rei-chan.
"I am! Not having you with me, or even just having your voice, is like drinking poison!" He laughs. "It's not funny!"
It's not funny. It's sweet.
And we keep talking and suddenly the sun's gone down and come up again but I don't care. I can't bear to be cut off from him.
-Chapter 31 - The Busiest Night- (Warning: Implied/Borderline Smut)
"Ah… French cuisine isn't easy to make, is it?" Makoto makes the obvious observation in the moonlightthat streams in through the window. We spent about three hours putting it together, but now the bouillabaisse sits on the stove cooking.
"It should be done in a half-hour or so."
"Just as well! Cooking makes me hungry. I didn't even do anything and it made me hungry."
"That's not true. You handed me the ingredients. You put the croutons in the oven. You cut the potatoes. Nearly took your finger with them, but you cut the potatoes."
He laughs. "Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but if I'd done anything more than that, we'd probably be cooking poison of some sort."
"You'll get the hang of it." We can do this more often. You'll learn.
The light from the bulb in the kitchen flows past the open door into the darkness enveloping him and I in the dining room. I can make out his profile in the moonlight, but the half of his body that's furthest from the window gets lost in its own shadow. "So what does this bouillabaisse stuff taste like, anyway?"
"It's basically a seafood soup. The important parts are the potatoes, the mussels and some kind of white fish for body. In this case, mackerel."
"No surprises there."
"Yeah. But, basically, it's those things and then you cook them in a basic tomato soup and make this sauce called rouille."
"What the hell is that?"
"Some olive oil, bread and a handful of spices. Goes well with most fish."
"So what part was this rouille stuff?"
"That kind of sludgy, yellow sauce that looked a bit like mustard."
"Oh. I wondered what that was."
"So, basically, bouillabaisse tastes like tomato, mackerel and garlic. Among other things."
"I can't wait to try it."
"You'll like it. Trust me."
"I do." We kind of stare at each other, even though we can only see one of the other's eyes. There's no need to say anything. But I want to keep the conversation going anyway.
"The only problem with it is that, like most soups, it's really high in carbohydrates and whatnot like that. So we'll have to do something pretty physical to work it off." I feel myself blush and see Makoto turn away awkwardly. We're both trying to figure out whether I meant what it sounded like I meant.
"Haru… we've only been together for five days. Do you really think we're ready for that?"
"Not quite." He looks at me in surprise. "We might have only been official for five days, but I've loved you for a lot longer than that." I can't quite look level at him, because I'm a bit ashamed to admit this next part. "I didn't realise for a long time, but I've loved you almost since I met you."
He smiles at me in the comforting way he has. "You put things so perfectly, Haru. I feel the same way, but I couldn't say it that well if you paid me." We kind of stare at each other intensely while the bouillabaisse starts boiling audibly. Makoto freaks out a little. "Does that mean it's burning or something?"
"No. I just have to go and turn the heat down. It'll be done in about ten minutes."
"Can't wait." I disappear into the light for a minute and set the mix simmering. "That smells like culinary heaven."
We have to raise our voices to communicate across the rooms. "All going to plan, it should be." I walk back out, and in the sudden shift to darkness I walk to the wrong side of the table. With my low vision, I stumble right into Makoto, tripping over him in the process. And, somehow, my legs stay twisted around his shoulders while my torso lays back flat against his, but in the other direction. I notice where this puts our heads in relation to each other and hurriedly disentangle us, blushing aggressively. "Sorry about that."
"What's to apologise for?" We look at each other sideways.
"Well, anyway, it wasn't on purpose. If you're not ready, I'm not pushing."
He laughs in this infuriatingly attractive way. "It's not like that at all." We find ourselves running out of words again.
"Soup's ready." It abruptly bursts into the silence that's permeated our conversation.
"Oh! I'll help you serve it up." We make our way into the kitchen and I'm bombarded with a wave of heat. "It's so hot in here! How do you cook when the room gets to be this temperature?"
"Generally, I'll wear less." Taking a cue from each other, we both take off our jumpers. Haru throws me an apron. "Put this on, though. If this gets into your clothes, you'll have some trouble getting it out." He pulls a ladle out of a drawer without even looking, like he referred to some perfect blueprint of the kitchen in his head.
Dipping it into the soup, he carefully measures out the meatier bits – we get about half a pound of fish and two mussels apiece, as well as half a potato and two croutons. Well, they're not what you normally call croutons. They're an entire slice off a baguette, so they're fairly large. But apparently, they're still called croutons. I pick up the yellow stuff, desperate to do something to help.
"How much of this stuff do I put on it?"
"To taste. For me, not too much. Two teaspoons worth'll do." I follow his instructions, spooning two small heaps onto his pile of broth and following suit with my own. Haru's taste is a pretty good judge. "If you like, you can stir it into the broth, or you can leave it on top." He grabs two soup spoons out of thin air (well, it looks like it, anyway. He must have gotten them from somewhere, I guess). "Time to eat."
We each take a bowl and put it down on either side of his table, finding our way to the floor as we do. Haru doesn't go to take his apron off, so I don't either. Probably good to keep this stuff of clothes. "Itadakimasu." I dip my spoon into my bowl, taking a sizable amount of soup and a small piece of mackerel, topped with some of the… wait, what was it called? Rouille? Something like that. I size up the spoonful, seeing steam float off the top. This stuff must still be pretty hot, then. I blow on it a few times, trying to cool it down so I can put it in my mouth without scalding my tongue. When I'm satisfied it's edible, I empty the whole spoon into my mouth in one shot, evaluating the flavours as a set. "Holy crap, this is delicious!" I mean, Haru cooked it. Of course it was going to be good. But this is a whole new world of good. "It's not hard to see how the French got their reputation, is it?"
"Actually, most of what we consider fancy French cuisine started as a peasant dishes."
"I wouldn't mind being a peasant in France if it tasted like this."
"Well, it tastes good, sure. But that one mouthful was probably all you'd get."
"Fair point." I watch Haru stir the rouille (that is what it's called, right?) into his soup while he waits for it to cool. I follow suit, because it looks like a gentle stir also encourages the steam out. So it should cool quicker. But don't trust me when it comes to food.
We eat in relative silence, although we occasionally make little sounds of gustatory pleasure. Although they sound like another kind of pleasure altogether. That's okay. We're not really allowed to be uncomfortable around one another anymore. By some trick or design, we both finish at the same time. "Gochisosama." Standing up in unison, we take our bowls to the kitchen and leave them in the sink. I go to start washing up, but Haru catches my wrist.
"We can do it tomorrow."
Sneaking a look at my watch, I laugh. "Haru, it already is tomorrow." Holding up my wrist, the luminous face glares the time. 12:06.
"You know what I meant." In the light from my watch, I see something on Haru's face.
"Hold still a sec." Leaning in close, I can see it's a small patch of soup that didn't quite make his mouth. Reaching out my tongue, I lick it off. "You had a little soup on your face." I untie my apron and hang it over bench, watching as Haru does likewise. "Time for bed?"
"I guess." I've already put my bag in his room, so we make our way upstairs to change. Pushing open the door to his room, I'm glad we had the foresight to clean it while we cooked.
"Before we change, just one thing, Makoto."
Before I get the chance to ask him what, he's pushed his lips against mine and forced his tongue through my lips. With no particular desire to resist, I just sort of give up to and enjoy it.
"Like I thought. The bouillabaisse tastes better out of your mouth." He pulled away too suddenly, just to say that.
"Well then, why don't we have a second helping?" We're close enough to the bed that, with a little imagination, we can fall onto it. We push ourselves into each other's mouths and just kind of let our emotions take control. They decide our lips just aren't enough anymore, and our hands start working around each other's bodies to expose more exotic areas. And suddenly we're lying on each other, drowning in passion and who was I trying to kid, of course we're ready.
I guess I won't need those pyjamas after all.
-Chapter 32 - Precious Friends-
Tuesday afternoon, at the swim club meeting…
Makoto claps his hands twice to gather us all up. "Gou doesn't seem to be around, so let's get started without her."
"Don't be so blunt about it!" I laugh at him a little. "She's on a date."
They all gasp loudly, like they can't believe it. "Rin-chan, who with?"
"Mikoshiba, the ex-captain of the Samezuka swim team."
"Oh? Really?" Rei pipes up. Is this awkward for him? "Well, I hope they'll be happy together."
"I reckon they will be. But I swear to God, if he puts one foot out of line…"
"Keep it cool, Rin. You don't have to get violent." Makoto smiles gently. "On a similar note, Haru and I have something we need to tell you all."
I don't let them get to the point. "Don't tell me you're finally together?"
"Well… yeah, kind of." Haru interjects on behalf of his now-boyfriend.
"It only took, what, six years? Did you really not see it for that long? And, only kind of? I expected better." They look at each other with this sort-of 'yeah, kind of doesn't cut it' stare, so I think they've gone all the way and they're just playing coy.
I'm happy for them, really. And I'm smiling on the surface. But actually, today is a fair definition of hell. Now I'm the only one of us who's alone. For the time being, anyway. Haru and Makoto are official. Rei and Nagisa are official. And even Gou's got a boyfriend. I'm planning to go see Sosuke this weekend, so I'm just playing a waiting game. But what if he doesn't feel the same way anymore, or something? I'm poleaxed with apprehension for all the possibilities, but, until I found out which one is actually going to happen, watching everyone else abound in romance is really painful. But I can't let them know that.
Nagisa clears his throat. "Well, I'm happy you two finally figured it out. We've all known for years." He winks playfully. "Also, Rei-chan and I are an item. So now we've all fallen out into neat little pairs, haven't we?" He goes to laugh before Rei gives him a violent shot to the gut. Not quite all of us, it seems to say.
I laugh, as naturally as I can in this situation. "What, you're worried about me being alone? Come off it! That's what I do best."
"But still, Rin…" Rei sounds almost guilty. "Sorry we went rubbing all this in your face so aggressively. It must be annoying, given the circumstances." Haru and Makoto exchange a bewildered glance. They're the only ones who are unaware of the 'circumstances', it seems.
"As it happens, there are some extra circumstances you all don't know about yet. They're a secret as of yet, but, trust me, I'll be fine." I wish I was as confident in that conviction as I sounded.
"Aw, Rin-chan, you can't tell us there's a secret and then not tell us what it is!"
"Well, I just did, so I recommend you deal with it." He pouts and I laugh.
Haru injects in his almost-rude way. "Well, it's not exactly related. But it's my birthday this Saturday, and the first day of summer holidays. Makoto and I are planning to go to this new water park in Sato." Rei and I share a little glance of complicity, and my plan for this Saturday actually falls in perfectly. "I'd love it if you all could come along."
"Invite Gou, as well, Rin. And tell her to invite her friend, Chigusa-san." Haru doesn't seem to have thought that far ahead, but he's happy to accept to Makoto's improvised guest list.
"Will do. But now all the confessions and invitations are over, is it time to swim?"
"Not quite yet." Makoto denies me the release of the pool. It sucks enough having to listen to you all be happy while I'm on the clock. Can't I just drown all this love business for a while? I know it's selfish to think that, but I can't stop myself. "Registration is drawing close. We need to start sorting out this relay issue."
"Well, I think I've made it clear enough that Rei is swimming, right?"
"Don't start this with me again, Rin. I'll only swim if I can earn the spot."
"Please don't fight!" Nagisa cuts in. "Rin-chan can swim all four strokes, so maybe he can take my spot, or Mako-chan's or Haru-chan's!"
"Don't volunteer me for this stuff, Nagisa. Besides, now you four are a set of two couples. Celebrate it by swimming a relay together!"
Surprisingly, Haru says the emotional thing. "But that'll make you sad, Rin, and if you're sad we're all sad."
"Don't be stupi…" I can't finish my sentence before their faces tell me how much they agree. "Why? Wouldn't it be the same if anyone was off the list? Why me, specifically?"
They're all silent for a minute. Haru starts the dialogue again. "You were so hooked on the idea of a relay on grade school."
"And that was what kind of brought the four of us together. So in a way, we owe you a lot for that." Makoto picks up the dregs of the sentence from his boyfriend.
"Rin-chan is Rin-chan, and we know how much the relay means to you. With your father and all that. So we can't bring ourselves to take that away from you." Nagisa actually said something serious. But now the baton's passed to Rei. He hasn't got any sort of nostalgia-tainted argument.
"Well, I can't call our childhood memories into play, obviously enough. But I saw how upset you were at regionals last year, and how happy you were after the relay. I can't, on my honour, take that happiness away from you without earning it fair and square. That wouldn't be beautiful at all." He fixes his glasses. "And you're a precious friend, so if I can help it, I want to swim with you as well."
I think it was that last sentence that did it. Because it wasn't about the past. It wasn't about paying me back for something I may or may not have done. It wasn't grounded in helping me or anything. It wasn't about me. It was about us. The five of us. But whatever the reason, my eyes started leaking a little and I had to turn my face away, vehemently denying the tears.
"Thanks, Rei." It's not that the others meant nothing. But I owe Rei some thanks anyway – I don't think I ever said thanks to him for giving me his spot. "But you're all my precious friends too. I put all of you through enough crap last year. And then I waltzed in and took over your relay, got you disqualified and everything. After hurting all of you so much, I want to be able to give you all something back." I might be the only one the group's left loveless, but why do I care? Friendship means just as much. "So because you're all my precious friends, I want you four to swim the relay."
I don't bother pretending anymore. I just kind of let myself cry. It's a happy cry anyway. I can see they're all a little bit stunned by the way I'm acting. "You know, Rin, when you put it like that…" Makoto seems to have come around.
Rei cuts him off before he can finish. "If that's how it is, let's have a fair contest." I stare straight at him. "I can only swim butterfly. Makoto-senpai's fastest stroke is backstroke. Nagisa's is breaststroke. And Haruka-senpai will only swim freestyle. I have the least experience. So, it stands to reason I'm the weakest link." What is the man getting at here? "So, Haruka-senpai, Makoto-senpai and Nagisa will be in the relay. Right now, Rin and I will have a race – 50 metres butterfly. Whoever wins takes the place." That… actually sounds like an alright idea.
"Is that a fair deal by everybody?" Makoto seems convinced.
"If it's good enough for Rin, it's good enough for me." Haru joins the crowd.
"Rin-chan, if you lose, do you want to race all of us for our places?" Nagisa still seems somewhat concerned. I guess he knows all of the history Rei and I have.
"I'd be tired out, so it wouldn't be an accurate judge. Anyway, I don't know if I'd beat any of you now you're all in top form." That's only half-a-lie. I legitimately don't know if I'd beat them – you never really do. But I'd be confident enough to race them. I just don't want to interfere any more than I already have. They deserve their relay, and if Sosuke's transferring, then maybe something'll work out with me and him in competition anyway.
"Well, as long as you're okay with it." Nagisa smiles his blessing onto our little match.
"Okay then. We'll give you two some time to warm up." Makoto marches off to somewhere, taking Haru with him, and after a brief kiss with Rei, Nagisa follows them.
"Rin." Rei stares me down, almost violently. "I said a fair contest, and I meant it. Don't even think about holding back."
"I wouldn't have it any other way." I'm surprised to find myself honest. I expected myself to throw all in a non-suspicious way, and get the relay team I wanted regardless. But I'm giving it my all. We lock eyes and we start smiling. "Get to warming up. I won't take anything less than your best."
He starts stretching with a wordless but meaningful nod. I instead take my own path, diving into the water and doing some gentle freestyle to get my body working the way I want it to. It seems like we've barely started when the other three come back. I feel ready enough.
"Okay then." Makoto claps his hands and Rei and I take neighbouring diving blocks. I haul myself out of the pool, trying not to spread too much water around. I snap the cord at the back of my goggles as I stand on the block. "On my count. Ready, set…" We crunch into ourselves ready to dive in with everything we have. "GO!"
I find myself at a disadvantage straight off the bat. My feet were too wet to get a strong grip on the diving block, so I dove in a little weaker than I normally do. Rei, on the other hand was on top form, so he's pulled a fraction of a metre ahead. His flexible stroke develops a lot of power, so I have to use all my strength to try and close the gap. By sheer experience, I've come to being just behind him. Close enough that a strong turn should put me well ahead. The wall comes up on me almost too fast and we go into the turn at more or less the same time. We both connect and push off with all our strength. My turn is one my strongest assets, so there's no chance he'll be ahead of me. My competitive spirit flares up as I find myself about a half-metre ahead after the turn. Looks like the relay spot's mine. I'm so caught up in the race, I don't even realise what that means. So I just keep going at my absolute best until I hit the other wall. But I get a surprise along the way. It looks like Rei had some left in the tank. He's sped up his stroke, pulled himself forward, somehow. I try to respond in kind, but I'm going at my limit as it is. We have about fifteen metres left and we're neck and neck, as far as I can tell against the maelstrom of water that our arms whip up between us. Neither of us is willing to concede an inch, and we stay almost perfectly level until the last five metres. Somehow, from somewhere, Rei pulls out one massive stroke and by the time I've processed that, we've touched the wall.
"Rei wins. By a hair, but a win all the same." Haru extends a hand to both of us in our respective lanes as he tells us the results. "That was an amazing race, for both of you." We each take his hand, but he's not strong enough to pull both of us out. Nagisa runs over and takes Rei's hand away from him.
"You looked beautiful. When did you get so good, Rei-chan?"
"It was a weird feeling. I can't really describe it." He makes a stormy-looking face that we all know means he's thinking. "It was like all I wanted for that time was to win that race. It felt like I wanted it so badly the water was pushing me along, trying to help me. Or something like that."
"That's what swimming feels like." Haru pipes it up, but only because he got there first. We all think it. "It feels like the water's alive, and it can help you or attack you. It can bring you together with the person you're racing with, or it can push you apart." He smiles, as widely as I ever seen him smile. "I know you don't like abstract expressions, Rei, but I think you understand what I mean by that now."
I feel like I should be shocked or angry or disappointed that I lost, but Rei earned every piece of that victory. "You won by a margin of four milliseconds, Rei. That race was so ridiculously close. I'm glad we set up two stopwatches for it." Makoto seems amazed that Rei came out ahead. I guess it isn't exactly what one was expecting.
"Good job, Rei. You win, fair and square, just like you wanted." I swing my hand out to grab his, but rather than shake it, I use it as anchor to pull us into a hug. I feel like I should say something, but there's nothing to say.
"You're absolutely sure you didn't hold back at all?"
"I think you already know the answer to that."
"I think so. It felt like you gave it everything. But I like to make sure."
"Well, our relay problem's solved." I smile at the four of them. "So let's do some work on or individual events before the holidays start."
"Can we have another training camp from hell on a deserted island?" Nagisa seems excited at the prospect, but it sounds ridiculous.
Makoto laughs. "You're supposed to be the treasurer, Nagisa. Don't you know we got a budget bump? We have enough to swim at a gym if we like, or we could always use the school pool."
"Aw. But deserted islands are more fun!" Rei and I glare at him. Makoto's scared of the ocean, you fool! Drop it.
"We'll think about it, then." Makoto makes a friendly gesture, inviting all into the pool. And suddenly we're all in, and this living water is pulling us all together closer than ever. Now, if I can get Sosuke into the mix, it'll be perfect.
-Chapter 33 - Finale ~Birthdays, Reunions and Dorimu~-
That Saturday, Haru's birthday party starts at his house…
At least I didn't have as much trouble dressing today. We're going to a water park, so it won't be too long until I'm only wearing a swimsuit anyway. So I just grabbed a blue t-shirt and some track pants to cover my swimsuit, because fashion isn't exactly today's top concern. I check the clock as I put on my apron to grill some mackerel for breakfast. It's just past eight. The agreement was to meet here just before nine, catch the 9:10 train to Sato and arrive just in time for the water park's opening at 10:30. I feel like I should have some food or something set up – a little party, if you will. But the party's at the water park, so I forewent the pleasantries. If anyone wants anything, I can grab it at the time, I guess.
I hear a knock on the door echo over the grilling mackerel. Someone's early. Like, really early. I think I know who. Making my way to the door, I can see through the window my guess is correct. "Why are you so early, Makoto?"
"Come on, don't be like that. It's your birthday! As your boyfriend, it's kind of my job to be early." He rolls in the door like a wave over the beach and kisses me. Is this my present? If so, I love it.
"I wasn't complaining. It's just… it's an hour early. Have you eaten yet?"
"Not much, but enough."
"Well, I'll cook up two serves then."
"Thanks." I make my way into the kitchen as I fasten an apron around my waist. "Sorry I didn't get you a gift."
"What's to get? You've brought yourself, and an hour alone. That's all I could ever want." I busy myself with the grill so he can't see my face flush. Actually, more like luminescence. I don't normally blush so violently, but hey. It's my birthday. I'm allowed some transgressions.
"You're such a poet, Haru." His voice cuts strongly over the grilling fish.
"Well, let's say 15 minutes for breakfast. What's to do for the other 45 minutes?"
"I'm sure we can think of something. I mean, it's not like we're short of options."
"Well, we can't do that again."
"Maybe after we come back."
"That'd be a birthday gift for the ages."
"We can't go so fast so soon. You've got a lot more birthdays ahead of you."
"And yours, as well."
"Point taken." Somehow, even though we're talking about that, it doesn't seem like we are. It just feels like a normal chat. Is that okay? Aren't we supposed to feel like everything we say is really charged and hang off each other's words?
I need to stop doing this. This whole question-myself business gets too much in the way. I like it this way. So, why do have to question it? I throw my worries to the wind and decide to think about now first and foremost. "Mackerel's done."
"Great." He doesn't say he's hungry, but I know he is. We've hit the point where we can't keep secrets. Even stupid, dorky little ones. The other one'll just know. But that's okay. We can't keep secrets, but we also don't have to say them out loud. And that's romantic in its own way.
We eat in relative silence, just bathing in the other's company. It's almost like having a conversation without words. Which is nice, because talking with food in your mouth is invariably messy.
I'm excited for today.
It'll be nice for everybody to just have some fun together.
And it really is everybody, huh? I mean, you invited Chigusa, too.
Well, that's got a bit of a tale behind it.
It doesn't take a genius to guess, Makoto.
And when it comes to me, you are a genius.
I blush. Thanks, I guess.
Do you think she'll bring anyone?
Why would she?
I don't know. Maybe if she's found another guy, she'll ask him to tag along just so it won't be awkward. Because she doesn't really know us.
Then why'd you invite her?
It's my way of saying sorry, I guess.
So, we have quite the extensive guest list.
He laughs. The two of us, Rin, Rei and Nagisa, Gou and Mikoshiba, Chigusa and maybe-a-friend. That's not really extensive. Not for turning eighteen.
Why is turning eighteen any different to turning any other age?
It's not much for us here in Japan, other than the fact you leave school. And, like, ten days ago, they lowered the voting age to eighteen, I think. But in other countries, eighteen is the age you're considered 'adult'. Like, you can drink and stuff.
Now that I think about it, Rin said that eighteenth birthdays are a big deal in Australia, didn't he?
All-nighters fuelled on any and all available alcohol, apparently.
I don't see the appeal in drinking. I mean, why do you want to spend exorbitant amounts of money to poison your body and feel like crap the next morning?
I don't really get it either. But, hey. It's not like we have to join in. Or like we can until we're 20.
Why are we talking about this?
I hate to remind you, but we're not actually talking.
I have to blink a couple of times to figure out it's true. "I did not think that was possible."
"If it was anybody, it'd be us, right?"
I smile. "Suppose so."
We've finished eating, so we go and dump our plates in the sink. Neither of us goes to wash up because we know the other will say do it later. Makoto looks at his watch. We have about half an hour before the others are due to arrive. Or, well, we're supposed to. A knock echoes through the house and I make my way to the front door while Makoto sighs. I wanted more time alone.
So did I.
He smiles at me. Maybe after we come back.
Definitely. And with that, I open the door to find Rin there alone.
"Isn't anybody with you?"
"Good morning to you too, birthday boy."
"Gou's your sister, so I just assumed she'd be with you." Now I feel like I've offended him.
"She's waiting at the station for Mikoshiba. He doesn't know the way, is all."
It makes sense when he says it like that, and he sounds unoffended. Makoto's green eyes poke around the corner. "Yo, Rin."
"You're already here, Makoto? I thought I was early."
"I live all of 500 metres away. Of course I was here first."
"You make a fair point." The way he says it sort of says 'sorry for interrupting'. I guess, he does know.
The three of us sit around the low-lying table and I think about the way that we sit. Me and my tight, correct, bullet-straight posture like there's a rod along my back. Rin and his loose, this-is-just-how-I-fell-down-here sort of position. Makoto curls his long legs into his chest and wraps his arms around his knees, then turns out his hips so his leg fall partway open. I can't help but follow the lines down to where they join.
"It's been a long time since the three of us sat here like this."
"Exactly how long, do you reckon?"
"It was a couple of days before the relay." I remember it quite clearly. "You hadn't told us you were going yet, Rin, and I still didn't want to swim the relay. Makoto came over to keep me company, because Grandma was out at bingo night or something."
"Haru, your grandmother didn't play bingo." I never told him that. But, Makoto just sort of knows what I know, doesn't he?
Irritation and tenderness battle for the right to be present in my voice. "The point is, she was out. So you came over to keep me company…" I turn to Rin mid-sentence, "…and you came over to try and recruit me for your relay."
"That was a serious effort! Don't say it like it was a whim." Rin rearranges his legs and bends under his shoulder blades so he's looking up at the ceiling like it's open to the sky.
I fight the urge to laugh at the stupid young me we're all remembering. Why on earth was I so convinced I didn't want to swim a relay? "I'm glad I came around." Makoto and Rin both look at me in shock. They're not used to hearing me be emotional. "Imagine how different things would have been if we'd never done that relay." We all know none of us can. "And sure, some of it was crap, but I think, if I could do everything over, I wouldn't change a thing." A sense of wordless agreement seeps through the air and we just sit there smiling at each other. God, I'm glad my life has been what it has.
Our reflection is gracelessly interrupted by a knock at the door. They both stand up to answer it, but I motion for them to stay put. "It's my house. I'll get it."
"Happy birthday, Haru-chan!" At the first available moment, I throw myself around him. "Eighteen! I can hardly believe it. I still remember meeting you when you were, like, what, eleven? No, twelve. Point is, it's been a long time!" Rei-chan pulls a little wrapped present out from behind his back.
"From the both of us. Happy birthday, Haruka-senpai."
"You really didn't have to do this."
"We wanted to." I pout a bit. It's nice of him to say he doesn't need our present, but it also makes it feel like he doesn't want it. "Stop being so damn polite and just open it!"
We walk in and join Rin-chan and Mako-chan around the table. I wink in greeting – words are a bit superfluous, really.
"Good morning, Rin, Makoto-senpai." Rei-chan and his manners don't let him not greet them formally. Whatever. That's a part of his charm.
Haru-chan tries to take the wrapping paper off carefully, like he can't risk it tearing. Maybe he wants to reuse it or something. But, my clumsy handiwork proves too much a challenge, so he just rips it open. 101 Dishes to Cook with Mackerel. "We figured you could use a few fresh ideas." I smile at Rei-chanover our intertwined hands. He looks for something to add, but comes up short, smiling back at me instead. Then, we both open up our smiles to the rest of the table. "Well, we're all here. So who are we waiting for?"
Rei-chan ticks them off on his fingers. "Gou and Mikoshiba-san. Wait, Rin, didn't Gou come with you?"
He shakes his head, and his hair sways gently with it. I wonder when he last got his hair cut. It looks like it's been a while. "She said she had to wait for him, because he mightn't know the way." We can see the tension in his hands. We all know what he's thinking. If that Mikoshiba does one thing wrong, he's dead meat. I laugh on the inside. It's cute how he's so protective. If there's one girl out there who I'd trust to get through anything alone, it's Gou-chan, but he still can't let her go.
"So, who else?" Rei-chan nestles his head in that weird bit between your thumb and your pointer, the way you do when you're thinking hard.
"Gou's friend, Chigusa." Mako-chan pitches it in. "And anybody she brings."
"Mako-chan, why did you invite her, anyway? Like, if anyone, it should have been Gou-chan who did. Or at least one of us." I gesture to myself and Rei-chan. "'Cause she's in our class and stuff."
"Well, there's a bit of a tale there."
"We have, like, fifteen minutes before everyone's due. Go ahead, tell it!" He considers the idea carefully while I stare at him with my very best puppy-dog eyes.
"Okay then." He relents, knowing he'd only start me off begging otherwise. "Remember at the squid festival last year, when we ran into Gou and her out of the blue?"
Rei-chan snaps his fingers like he remembers clear as day. "You said they looked cute."
"Yeah. And then Chigusa deflected it, saying I was talking about the yukata."
"Oh! And then you said, 'not really', or something like that, right?" The pieces start falling into place.
"Exactly. And then, somehow, she develops a crush on me."
"It's not hard to understand why." Haru pitches in from his side of the table, the one between Mako-chan's and the one Rei-chan and I are sharing. "An older student, a good-looking one no less, gives her a complement. Take it from there." They smile at each other and I get the feeling they want to kiss. We sit there in an awkward silence for a little while, and then I chirp up.
"Do you two want a minute?" The spell seems to be broken – they look away from each other, and Mako-chan laughs softly.
"Sorry. I get caught up in myself from time to time."
"And in Haru-chan, too." If I was any closer, I'd nudge him playfully in the side and watch him blush. Unfortunately, we're on opposite sides of the table. Fortunately, Rin-chan picks up the slack and does it for me. Mako-chan and Haru-chan both turn beet red.
"S-so, anyway." Mako-chan stutters back into his story, like he's just remembered that it's kind of important. "Last Tuesday, as in, last week, not this week, she comes up to me at school and confesses. She's done it right and cooked me a lunch and everything. But…" His eyes swing down and somehow, he flushed even deeper. "The night before was the night Haru and I got together." He waits a while like he needs to discharge some of his newfound redness before he can continue. "And she's standing in the courtyard waiting for me, and Haru and I walk in together. And he kisses me. Just quickly." He just can't stop blushing. I resist the urge to laugh. I didn't know it was possible for a person to go so red! "And, well, she sees it and we have this awkward conversation and she's all like, 'you don't need to say you're sorry' and I'm like 'thanks, but I sort of do' and yeah. So here we are." He smiles at us, like he's trying to distract us from his luminescent blush with his equally luminescent (although white) teeth. I'm not entirely sure I understood the last bit of his story, but I've got the gist.
Silence falls, and for once it is actually kind of awkward. Mako-chan gradually fades back to his normal colour. Haru-chan tosses his cookbook back and forth a few times, and it falls open at a random page. The title is in katakana, so it's a foreign language of some description. I try it read it upside-down. Buriyabaisu. Something like that. It looks delicious. He stares at Mako-chan with some meaning I don't think is meant to be public. Snapping the book shut quickly, he stands up. "It's a very thoughtful gift. Thanks a lot, guys." With that, he hurriedly leaves the room to go and stash it somewhere. I take the chance to pounce on Mako-chan.
"What was with that moment there? Does that recipe mean something were not supposed to know?" Now I'm just curious. Playfully so, but curious nonetheless. I mean, I have my suspicions. But there's nothing like hearing it from the horse's mouth.
"Nagisa!" Rei-chan jabs me gently in the side, seeing from Mako-chan's fresh blush that I've probably overstepped some sort of boundary. "Don't be so forward!"
"Come on. We're old friends! Nothing we can't share, right?"
"Right." Rin-chan cuts in, from nowhere. Wait, he's curious, too? I feel a little better now.
"You two!" Rei-chan is almost angry, but certainly more so than Mako-chan, who sits there, glowing but silent.
"Come off it, Rei, you're curious, too." Rin-chan smiles devilishly.
Shying away from us like he's trying to dodge the blame, Rei-chan relents. "Maybe just a little."
The three of us turn of our once-again-red friend. "So? What happened between you two?"
"Well… uh. Yeah. There was this thing. And I stayed the night over. And we cooked this French soup called bouillabaisse. Or, well, Haru cooked it. I pitched in a bit. Just a bit. And, well, things kind of took themselves from there and…" He looks away from us and starts padding his shirt against his chest like he needs it for a fan.
"No way…" My mouth falls open as I take the story to its logical conclusion.
"No way what? We've all seen it coming for years." Rin-chan seems happy to know everything went according to… plan? I don't think that's what I meant to say, but I can't think of anything better.
Rei-chan, as the newcomer, doesn't seem to believe in those two like the rest of us do. "What are you all talking about?"
Mako-chan's flustered voice works its way back into the conversation. "We did… stuff. Together. This and that. You get it. Like… stuff." He just can't say it.
"Can you stop using indistinct terms?" Rei-chan's really quite clueless, isn't he? I lean into his ear and whisper it privately. He tenses up, shocked. "I'm sorry to intrude on personal matters like that, Makoto-senpai!"
"Who did the intruding, exactly?" He shoots a forgiving glance at Rei-chan, and then an accusatory one at Rin-chan and I.
"Sorry, Makoto. But you know it was kind of a public secret anyway." Rin-chan laughs it off, while I awkwardly cuddle into Rei-chan. First, because I'm retreating from Mako-chan attack. And second, because I'm trying to point out (in the most subtle way I can) to Rei-chan that I want to hurry up and follow suit. His obliviousness fades into a blush that rivals Mako-chan's as he figures it out.
"Nagisa, can we go get a drink?" He shoots up straight, spouting the most obvious excuse he could have chosen.
"Sure." I smile at him and wink at the other two. Haru-chan walks back in just as we leave. "Oh, Haru-chan. Congratulations, again." Another wink at him and we're off. Mako-chan blushes again and Rin-chan kicks off a conversation, underestimating my eavesdropping capabilities yet again.
"Do you think they have, too?"
"No, but Nagisa's up for it. Yet to see about Rei." Mako-chan gets it one. Guess his boyfriend senses extend a little bit to all of us.
Rei-chan and I make it into the kitchen. "Nagisa! Can you please not act like that in public?"
"Why not?" I push into him again, not as in forcibly, but more cutely. I think. "I mean, they know we're an item. So isn't this the next step?"
"Yes, but first you pump Makoto-senpai for details about… that and then you make such an obvious move on me! It's Haruka-senpai's birthday! We can enjoy ourselves later in private!" He sounds like he's just stopping for breath, but his next sentence never makes it out past my mouth. I feel his argument melt in the heat of the moment, and I grab a glass that's sitting surreptitiously on the bench top, filling it with water behind his back. So at least we have some consistency in our excuses.
Breaking it off, I put my argument forward. "We're not anything to be ashamed of. We're together, so we should be proud of it, private or otherwise. So let's be proud of it!" I wink and walk back towards the room with what really should be his drink.
"I am proud." He sneaks up behind me and whispers in my ear so unexpectedly I nearly drop the glass out of equal parts fright and excitation. "But I'm just not ready for… that yet. So can we keep things behind closed doors for a little while?"
I turn around and give him a quicker kiss, just a peck, passing him the glass as I do. "Sure. Just so long as you know I'm ready when you are." Before we can make it to sit down again, there's another knock at the door. "I'll get it!" I cry it out just loud enough for the others to hear. Running to the front door, I check off the remaining guests in my head and wonder who it is.
"Haruka-senpai, happy…" Nagisa is standing there instead, so I catch the last half of my sentence. "Nagisa? What are you doing answering the door?"
"Good to see you too, Gou-chan. Sei-chan, too." He throws a wink at Seijuro, and I can practically hear him getting annoyed.
"I told you never to call me that again and I meant it." He's not aggressive about it (or, not seriously, anyway), but he says it with a playful anger.
"Now's not the time to fight, boys." Assuming the air of superiority that only suits a woman between (sort of) arguing men, I push my way through the door, my pendant swinging as I go, making an educated guess as to where Haruka-senpai is. Seijuro makes his way somewhat shyly behind me, like he's afraid the rest of them (I've now seen the full gathering) are going to bite. I gesture for him to walk in beside me because he's holding the gift we (well, I, but we're saying it's from both of us so as not to offend) bought Haruka-senpai.
"Gou. Nice to see you're here." He smiles at me, and I'm a thrown a little off-balance by the sudden emotion. I was expecting something more like "Oh, you're here, Gou." I smile back at him, deciding I just be happy for it. "Mikoshiba-san, too. It's been a long time since we've met."
"Nanase-kun! Happy birthday, and all. Eighteen, huh? That one's a good year." Seijuro doesn't seem to have much trouble adapting to new situations or talking to new people. Probably just as well. He holds out the gift like he's about to throw it. "We got you this."
Haruka-senpai's sure hands make quick work of the neat wrapping, sliding the paper off in one smooth motion. I hope the gift isn't too cliché, or something he already has. Best Beaches in the World: A Photography Collection. I saw it, and it just seemed so him. And, just quietly, it was half-price. Apparently, I've done well, if the shine in his eyes is anything to go by. He subtly gestures to Makoto-senpai, and he rolls around the table so they're looking at the book together, Makoto-senpai's extra height pushing his head over Haruka-senpai's shoulder. They nestle together, fitting into each other's gaps like they were built to do just that. I take quick advantage of the now-vacant side of the table, claiming it for Seijuro and I, trying to show off my pendant as I sit down. Beckoning him to sit next to me, I notice a certain pattern in the couplings about the table. Rei and Nagisa sit together, Makoto-senpai and Haruka-senpai are analysing the book together (and the look in their eyes screams 'honeymoon destination'), and Onii-chan is alone, which is a little awkward. But this water park is in Sato, so he'll be going to see Sosuke-kun this afternoon, I'd bet. I think my theories are close enough to being confirmed.
"Gou, you weren't around on Tuesday, so you missed a little bit of news from these four." Onii-chan gestures around the table to everyone who's not him. Just on cue.
"So, these two Iwatobi Swim Club couples are finally official?" I wave offhandedly at the two over the book, who are too caught up in themselves to notice just yet, and then at the other two. Rei blushes at his secret being guessed, and Nagisa seems almost angry, but in a cute way.
"Exactly." Onii-chan laughs the comment off.
"Ah? Gou-chan, you're not allowed to steal my thunder like that!" He tries to reach across the table and poke at me, but a subtle little shift from Seijuro and I'm well out of reach. "Well, you've heard our story from Tuesday. What's yours?"
Seijuro and I share a brief glance and a smile, and somehow recapture the beached lovebird's attention. "Well…"
"Where is he?" I whisper it under my breath just in case he's suddenly behind me. We were supposed to meet outside the movie theatre at 4 o'clock sharp to make sure we caught the 4:15 movie, and had time to buy food and all of that. It's now 4:10, I've been waiting for five minutes (so what I was late, too? He's still later) and there's no sign of him anywhere. Is he bailing on me or something? He'd better not be, or else. If Onii-chan doesn't kill him, I will.
"Gou-chan! Sorry I'm late!" Finally.
"Seijuro! What if we miss the movie now?"
"That's why I'm late! I had a heaps better idea, but it was a bit last minute, so I had to sort things out now."
"Do I get to know what this idea is?"
"That depends. Do you like surprises?"
"When they're done well."
"Then we'll keep it a secret." He snaps his fingers and starts rummaging in his shirt pocket. "And before I forget, I bought you this." He holds out a little black box, shyly, like he'd rather forget.
"You didn't have to do that."
"It's only right that a man come bearing gifts for a first date."
I laugh a little inside. I didn't expect him to have this side. That's actually really sweet. "Well, thanks then." I take it with a laugh and open it, half excited and half apprehensive. Inside there's a fairly intricately wrought pendant, on a simple, black, rubber-tubing necklace. You can tell it's only made of steel, and all the decorations are just enamel. But that doesn't stop it from being pretty. There's a deep-red circle at the centre, set into a base that then snakes out with all these little rays, kind of like what I think the sun would look like up close. And these rays are cleverly designed to form another four little nests for four smaller circles, at each of what would be the corners of a square if you joined the sides. They're each a different colour – blue, green, orange and purple, clockwise from the top left. "You know, this is actually really nice."
"It's all fake, imitation style stuff. But hey, what can I afford?" He stretches back his arm and laughs, almost awkwardly. I'm tempted to think that says 'I wish it was more.' But maybe I'm just crazy.
"Well, as imitation goes, it's among the best I've seen. I like your taste." I take a step or two before I realise I don't know where I'm going. "So what's this surprise?"
He smiles at me, and takes off at a gentle run. I get caught up in his pace and start running behind him. Before too long, he abruptly stops. "This is it." We've stumbled into random park in a corner slightly north of the middle of nowhere. At first, I don't see what's so impressive, but then I see all the old-style fairground attractions. A merry-go-round, teacups, that sort of thing. My face breaks out into a smile without my permission.
"You know I'm not a kid, right?" My leg starts twisting coyly, and I wrap my arms around him. "But just for today, I can pretend." Because it's so late in the day, all the children have gone home, so we pretty much have free reign. Looks like the park's closed, officially, since Seijuro has to hop into the little operator's booth and kick things off. It runs on timers, though, so we're fine without anyone there. The merry-go-round has one of those quaint horse-drawn-carriage style things, so we hop right in that. It's kind of slow, and really old. And a little dusty. But there's some sort of instinctual pleasure in riding this sort of thing with a guy. And, you know, the more time I spend with him, the more I come to like him. The ride finishes and we hop off.
"Teacups next?" He proposes a plan of action. I like it, and rather than saying it, I run clumsily towards them. We hop in, and they're the good kind, where you have a wheel-looking thing in the middle that controls how much you spin. The ride starts up, and with a quick glance, we make a silent contract to spin as fast as humanly possible. We grab the wheel, and without talking, spin it in the same direction with as much force as we can put forward. In this case, old is good – the axle's come a little loose, so it spins easily. So easily that before too long, my tenuous connection to the seat breaks and I barrel around the rim of the teacup straight into Seijuro, sending him off balance, too. In our little pile, we start laughing, harder than we probably should. I don't think I've had this much fun in ages.
And it's all over too soon. I snake my hand subtly into his and we walk back towards the station.
"So yeah. That's how it is. Nice pendant, isn't it?" Seeing as I'm wearing it, I might as well show it off. I hold it up for public scrutiny.
I've seen the veins in Onii-chan's head pumping this entire time. He was waiting for some sort of excuse to get angry, but I carefully avoided giving him one. "And you're sure that's all that happened?" He's struggling to come to terms with it, but he's trying, love him.
"Ah, Gou-chan, you forgot a bit at the end. Remember…"
I twist to him with my best 'keep it quiet' glare. "No, I'm sure that was everything."
It wasn't quite everything. But it was close enough. I replay the last part privately.
"I really enjoyed today." We have something of a strained conversation and that's about all I got to say before we reached the station. "Let's do it again, soon."
"Whenever you're free, I can make time. So just text, or call, or whatever." He smiles at me. By now, I'm actually quite taken with the guy. I saw a side of him I didn't expect to exist. And I liked it. Running towards to my train, I wave back at him.
"Oh, wait. One more thing." What the hell? It's only the cheek. It doesn't count. I run back to him and, rolling onto the balls of my feet, press my lips lightly onto his left cheek. I feel his skin burning underneath my lips, and when I pull away, he's as red as I was expecting. "Thanks for everything."
"Well, as long as there wasn't anything more…" Onii-chan growls, managing to come to some kind of terms with the arrangement.
"Chigusa's late." Makoto-senpai's worried voice cuts in. "It's 9:05. We said 9 sharp, right?"
"Oh, don't worry about it. That's just fashionable." I wave it off. That's really nothing to worry about.
"Can you call her anyway? Just for my peace of mind." He does one his really kind sorry-to-bother-you smiles and I find myself unable to say no. Rummaging around in my bag for my phone, I punch in a short sequence of buttons that means I'm calling her.
My phone goes off in my bag, and with this miraculous "organisation" thing, I find it in a matter of seconds. I laugh to myself. No more missed calls for me. "Hello?"
"Hana-chan! Are you nearly here?"
I check the watch on my wrist. "Gou? It's only 9:05. What's the rush?"
"Nothing in particular. Makoto-senpai just wanted me to ring to make sure."
I laugh to myself again. Is this more apology from Makoto-senpai? Didn't I tell him he didn't need to? Oh, well. There's nothing that makes you happy in quite the same way as getting attention from a guy, even when you know it's only friendly. "Well, I have a friend coming. And I said I'd meet him at the station. And he's not here yet, so I'm waiting for him. By all means, head down and meet us here!"
"Wait, wait, wait. Go back a step. Friend? He? Does that mean what I think it means?" I hear a few mutters and murmurs in the background. Must be all the swim club boys.
"Well, that depends on what you think it means." I can't resist being a little facetious.
"Don't be coy, Hana-chan!"
I laugh. "Sorry. But, yeah, it sort of does." I hold my phone away from ear as Gou half-screams, half-cheers. "We're not exactly a hot item yet, but I guess we're something."
"Whatever you are, good for you, Hana-chan!"
"I didn't even have to use my full persuasiveness." I wink, thinking it's directed at Gou, before I realise she's not actually here.
"Well, the boys are in for a surprise at the station! We'll head now. See you soon!"
"Yep! No rush, though. He must've missed his train or something. See you." We hit the end call button in almost perfect synch. And almost perfectly on cue, a train pulls in at the station. I find my heart is beating faster. I really hope he's on it.
And the universe doesn't disappoint me. A short, silver-haired silhouette jumps off about twenty metres down the platform, so I jump off the seat I've been on these last few minutes and run towards him. "Aiichiro-kun! You're here. For a minute there, I thought you'd forgotten me!" I throw my head to the side in mock anger.
"Sorry, Hana-san. I just missed the train I was planning to catch, that's all. I got straight on the next one, and that got me here now. Sorry, again." He looks away from me like he feels he's let me down.
"Don't be. There's nothing much you could do. Besides, the others are going to come and meet us here. So, in a way, you're right on time."
He looks up at me again. Thank God. "I feel better when you put it like that. Thanks."
"Who was it that said we shouldn't say thanks to each other?" I extend my pointer like I'm berating him. "Such is our arrangement, remember?"
"Yeah. Thanks for reminding me."
"You're doing it again."
"Sorry!"
I laugh loudly. "You're too funny! Can't you see I'm just poking fun at you?"
"I'm not good at reading social situations, so I pretend everyone's dead serious. Just in case."
"Well, we can fix that. You'll get plenty of practice with me, so let's wait and see, hmm?
"So… does that mean you were just joking when you said you thought I'd forgotten you?"
"Of course."
"Good." He stutters, trying to find a good way to start his next sentence. "Be…because… you know… I don't think I could ever forget you, Hana-san." I look sideways at him in surprise. "I've been looking forward to today ever since you asked me to come. I haven't been able to concentrate or think about anything else. I haven't even slept that well, because today's just been constantly on my mind. So… if that's what it's going to feel like every time… I don't think I could ever possibly forget you, Hana-san."
"Well, that's sweet. I would say thank you, but that's taboo, isn't it?"
"I guess so." He looks away shyly. I feel like there's something he hasn't said yet, and I also feel like I know what it is.
"You doubt it, don't you? You don't think it'll feel like that every time. You think, maybe, this time is special, because it's the first and because there's going to be other people around and especially because your Rin-senpai is going to be there. You're not sure whether it's about him or me, are you?" I almost whisper it. I try to be gentle, and not to accuse or threaten. I think it works, but I'm not too sure.
"Well… maybe, just a little." He shies away from me again, and we somehow wind up sharing a bench, but looking outwards away from one another.
"Because that's fine." I hear him look in towards me, but I don't return the favour. "That was the deal. You're allowed to waver, even break it off altogether if you want. Anytime. I won't blame you." Now it's my turn to struggle over words. "But… I feel the same way. Ever since Tuesday, I've been excited to see you again, Aiichiro-kun. I've been jumping out my skin with anxiety. What should I wear, is a bikini too revealing, will it be okay not to wear make-up, since it'll smudge and all… I've been asking myself these questions all week, trying to make sure everything was perfect." I finally turn into his eyes, with as wide a smile as I can muster. "So, maybe, things'll work out alright."
"It makes me happy to hear that, Hana-san." And surreptitiously, our hands work in towards the centre of the bench until they overlap ever so slightly. I get what I guess you'd call a spark, and I wonder if he felt it too. "I'm sure everything'll work out perfectly. Even if it's not being together, things'll pan out okay for the both of us."
I laugh a little. "You sound like me."
He blushes and smiles a little wider. "Maybe you're rubbing off on me."
And we just have one of those stupidly cute moments where you look into the other one's eyes and everyone watching says 'awww.'
"Awww. You two are cute together!" Goddamnit, Gou, I was enjoying that.
"Hey! Don't ruin the mood!" I stick my fist in the air for emphasis.
"Sorry." She laughs through the first half of the word. "But, you know, it's a group outing. You can't just spend the day staring into each other's eyes. That wouldn't be any fun, now, would it?"
By now, the entire crowd has made their way onto the station. Gou's brother is right behind her, having a pretty serious chat with that guy she met in the park last weekend. Then Hazuki-kun and Ryuugazaki-kun – I know them from class. Makoto-senpai and his boyfriend bring up the rear. I throw a special smile-and-wink combo their way – 'happy birthday, and thanks for inviting me'. They both smile back at me, and then they all notice Aiichiro-kun. Turning to Gou, Hazuki-kun is the first to speak.
"Gou-chan, when you said surprise…"
"Yep!" She proudly presents Aiichiro-kun like the whole thing was her idea. Her brother claps him on the shoulder and something gets said. I can't hear it, but I can see his lips move. Something like "Good for you." I can't escape the fear that even that tiny bit of contact will spell the end of us, but Aiichiro-kun walks over and stands closer to me. He doesn't hold my hand or anything cutesy or romantic like that, but stands there with this dorky smile on his face that kind of says it all.
And suddenly I've got the same dorky smile, Gou catches it too, then her boyfriend, her brother and everyone else. And our dorky-smiling session is rudely interrupted by a very loud train bound for Sato. "Time to go, then?" I propose the motion, and take the first steps. I find myself more excited than I reasonably should be. I reach back and grab Aiichiro-kun by the hand. We make it onto the train first to discover a group of ten seats conveniently empty. I book out one of the four corners with him, and the other seven file in a pretty random order, but they fall out into obvious couples. Gou and… Seijuro, that's his name (or something like that) take the corner next to Aiichiro-kun and I, and then the five members of our school swim team fall out into their internal couplings. And I can't help but feel sorry for Gou's brother. Everyone else here has a date, so he's the only one left alone. It only makes it worse that I know Aiichiro-kun has a crush on him. I feel like it's partly my fault he's alone. So I decide that nobody is allowed private conversations. Anything they can say to each other, they can say to all nine of us. "So, Matsuoka-senpai." I look at him, trying to encourage our four separate couples, just for a little while, to not be couples. "Do you know what you want to do after school?" A stupid question, yes. But a question. It's better than the gaze-into-each-other's-eyes that every other couple on this train is contributing to the group conversation.
He smiles at me like he gets the message. Thanks for the help, it says. "Well, I do want to go international with swimming, but if that falls through, I don't know where it is I'll go. Just, follow the wind for a while, I guess." He looks wistfully over my shoulder, outwards at the blue, surprisingly cloudless sky.
"I'm sure you'll be able to go international, Rin-senpai." Aiichiro-kun contributes to my efforts. "I mean, you dedicate yourself totally to swimming. You eat for right for it, you train right for it, everything you do is about swimming. With a will like that, nothing could stop you. That's what I think." He blushes deeply, and my little fear comes back again. If he swings the other way, I'll be left alone again. I don't want it to be over this fast. But now, his emotional statement seems to make the conversation public, so I put my worries aside and just enjoy myself.
Phew, finally. We've made it to this water park. I was planning to bring Haru here for our first official date last weekend, but we all know how that turned out. So, if somewhat later than first thought, we're here. I glance sideways at Haru, and I know I've done right. The way his eyes light up, you'd think it was the Fountain of Youth or something, not an amusement park. He turns into me and smiles until Gou runs between us. "Now, now, boys. No private moments while everyone else is around." To be honest, I'd half-forgotten the crowd around us. Nagisa jumps on my shoulders unexpectedly and I have to wonder how it is I did that.
"Yeah, Mako-chan! There's plenty of time for eye-gazing when you two get back home, so for now, everything's a public affair!"
"Okay, I get it. Can you get off me now? You're heavier than you look!" With a rough shake of my shoulder, I dislodge the blonde from my shoulder.
"What are we waiting for?" Chigusa grabs Nitori-kun by the hand and drags him through the gate, and before long we all follow suit. The park isn't very busy today, it seems. I guess, for summer, it is pretty cold. But not that cold. Oh, well. Whatever the reason, the park is serendipitously underpopulated.
And that's a good thing. We pretty much have free reign. "Well, we have to go by the change rooms first. Do we all have enough for locker rental?"
"We only need two. It won't cost that much. But, maybe since there's nine guys, we'd want to split over a couple." Mikoshiba-san tries to do the sums in head.
"It's my birthday, so I'll pay for one." Haru puts it forward before anyone else can.
"I organised this, so I'll pay another." So between Haru and I, we have two.
"I guess I'll pay for the last one, since I'm the tagalong." Chigusa smiles her volunteerism. "So now we have two for the guys and one for the girls."
"According to some cursory calculations, that should be sufficient." Rei cuts in with his excessively scientific observation.
"Well then, what the hell are we waiting for?" Rin starts stalking off, not bitterly, but excitedly, if with a hint of exhaustion. We crowd behind him towards the change rooms.
"Five minutes. That's it. Then we'll meet back here." Gou makes her very strict declaration before we split based on genders.
"Two lockers, adjoining if you could." I ask the man who stands at the booth-thing. That must be the worst job.
"203 and 204. That'll be 1800 yen for the day." I ferret around in wallet and produce a 1000-yen note, and Haru quickly follows suit. A machine eats the payment and rapidly spits back two coins of change and two sets of keys. I reach for them instinctively and I'm somewhat surprised to notice my hand meets Haru's. Pleasantly so, but surprised. Time seems to stop for second and before we notice Nagisa's swept all of it out from under our hands.
"Hazuki-kun! Give them back their money!" Nitori-kun is as adamant as I've ever seen him. He confiscates the coins and passes one back to each of us.
"Thanks, Nitori-kun." I smile at him gently. He's nice. I hope he and Chigusa work out. I'll admit I have my doubts – the poor girl seems to have run into the same problem she had with me. But, I can still hope.
Nagisa (who still has the keys) locates and unlocks the two lockers in record time. Waving at us, he shouts "Over here!" We crowd into the small area and commence the almost-too-natural ritual of stripping in front of six other guys. There aren't any showers in the room, so there's less obscuring steam than we're used to at a swimming pool. But that's okay. Using a clever combination of doors, towels and clothes, we manage to maintain some level of modesty. I accidentally bump into Haru in the awkwardness of the confined space. Why is nothing in this country built for people taller than five-foot-ten? Thankfully (for everyone else, at least), he was already dressed (is that the right word? I'm not too sure). I examine the lines his semi-naked form makes as he regains his balance. All of them seem to lead back to his eyes, which seemed to have gone bluer than normal at the exciting prospect of water everywhere. There's an almost childlike fascination in them that I just can't get away from.
"Mako-chan… no private moments, remember?" Nagisa speaks loudly into my ear, calling back my inattentive brain.
"Mmm, sorry." I look away from Haru's eyes just long enough to convince him I am actually sorry. "I just can't help myself sometimes."
Nagisa grabs Rei by the arm and they start walking out together. "Gou-chan'll be expecting us! Five minutes are nearly up!" He turns and whispers into Rei's ear, but underestimates the audibility of his sentence in the echoing room. "I think Haru-chan's getting an interesting birthday present tonight!"
Rei tenses up. "I thought I asked you not to talk about that!" Nagisa sneaks a kiss on his lips and laughs. I smile to myself. They're a good match. I'm surprised it took them this long, actually. Thinking back over it, there's been a bit of tension there for a while. I think they knew for a long time before they realised. Well, I'm one to talk, aren't I? I look back at Haru, who's stood back up, and suddenly I'm looking the five-year-old Haru-chan I met on the first day of school and wondering why it took me until my last year to notice. We sure took our sweet time, didn't we?
"Makoto? What are looking at?" I realise I'm staring blank-eyed into the distance. "Everyone's already gone. We should hurry up, too."
I shake my head to try and evacuate the vestiges of my reverie. "I'll race you back to the entrance." I don't give him a chance to argue, taking off at full power. After a brief moment of confusion, he starts running after me. He doesn't even look like catching up. He might unbeatable in water, but on land, he's nothing special. As in, like, speed-wise. Other than that, he just might be the most special person alive, in water or on land.
The other seven wait for us in a small crowd. "I thought we said no private moments, you two. If everyone else can handle, you can." Rin sounds tired, like our flirtatiousness is getting to him. I take stock of the circumstances. Rin's the only one without a date, and that must suck. But he said there was something we didn't know about. So I hope he'll work something out. We all know how he gets when the chips are down.
Humming in the back of brain, I'm vaguely aware that the others are arguing about where to go first. "We should save the best for last!", "Get in before it gets crowded!", "I'm not sufficiently warm for that level of activity!", "Let's just follow our noses!"
I'm not too sure which voice belongs to which person, but it doesn't take a genius to guess who said what. Haru suddenly raises his hand, putting his forearm through the centre of my vision. "That." He points to a slingshot-based ride that seems to be, basically, the halfway point of a tennis game and waterfall. Rin and Rei look at each other in this way that means more than I know, so I get the feeling they've been here before.
So, unsurprisingly, we follow Haru's dictated path and line up for the ride. It seems that every person at the park decided to come here, so even though there's not that many, we have to wait a little while. While in line, Haru tugs at my arm, around where my sleeve would be if I was wearing anything. Other than my swimsuit. I am wearing that. He points shyly towards these side-chambers designed for couples and blushes. "Can we?"
"No." Rin cuts in. I forgot again. No private conversations. "Don't even think about it. If you two want to have some sweet-enough-to-give-me-diabetes moments, you can come back here alone. For now, you're with us, so act like it!" He sounds happy, he is happy, but there's a distinct edge to his voice. Not an angry edge. Just like he's feeling alone but doesn't want it to show. So I nod to Haru. Let's indulge them. He's right. We can come back alone if we want.
Haru begrudgingly submits to the conditions of his birthday party and we all climb into the ride together. I instinctively grab at his hand through the seatbelts. "This is a little scary. Don't let go, okay?" What am I saying, a little scary? This thing is terrifying! The fun kind, but still terrifying. We wrap our hands tighter and tighter together as we ready ourselves for the launch. I hear the latches release and scream pre-emptively. I hear Haru's uncharacteristically passionate voice mingle with mine, shouting with a mixture of fun and fear. As we rocket towards the wall of water, I send a message through our linked hands. Happy birthday. I love you.
I have concluded that the fun of fairground rides increases proportional to the number of people in your party. The first time, when it was just Rin and I, it was fun. But now, with a crowd of nine, it was significantly more so. Although, I have to wonder if the individuals involved exert an influence on the relationship. The possibility exists that if I were to do it alone with Nagisa, as my boyfriend, it would be the most fun under those conditions. I resolve to test my hypothesis at a later date.
For now, we, as a party, start running from ride to ride in a huge rush, trying to visit every conceivable corner of the park in the shortest time possible. We return to the several-story-tall water slide and encounter something of a logistical issue. "Only five to a raft." The attendant manages to force the park's dictate out of a mouth locked shut by boredom and chewing gum. Running numbers in my head, I realise that at least none of the couples have to split. But who will form the set of four and who the set of five? I try to calculate the possibilities in my head. 4 groups to be placed in four places, and then Rin can occupy the remaining space in either raft. Meaning a total of 48 distinct paths are available to us.
Well, it didn't exactly take a statistical analysis to figure out which of the 48 we'd take. Gou and Chigusa-san push ahead with their respective boyfriends. Nitori-kun makes an odd sound of protest, as though he wanted to discuss the order further. The meaning is lost on me, thought apparently not on either Rin or Chigusa-san, who, in a joint effort, forcibly coerce him into sitting and holding the ropes of the raft next to her, while Gou and Mikoshiba-san take the two remaining places. Nagisa waves at them jokingly as the bored attendant navigates a few wooden poles and locking mechanisms and sends them on their way. He shouts after their retreating backs. "Have fun!"
As the five of us load into another, waiting for our turn to follow them down, there exists a collective consciousness between the four of us who are in couples. We actively arrange ourselves in the least intimate settings possible, allowing room for Rin to join us and not feel excluded. We're all sharply aware of his somewhat irritable attitude. He has a right to it, and that's why we're indulging him like this. If he was just being angry for the fun of it, that wouldn't be okay. But, this mood in particular, is a little bit all of our faults, and a lot of mine.
As it happens, the raft isn't all that big anyway. So we fall into place quite neatly, and try to avoid interlocking legs. It only takes a few seconds to figure out we can't, so we each spread our legs to a comfortable distance, making something of a star-shape in the raft. We're all different heights, so it's a little bit disproportioned, but at least it has five points. "We all having fun?" Nagisa's question chimes into the recesses of my brain, and I try to keep his voice there to reverberate for a little while because I like the sound. Its echo dislodges a particular thought. No private moments.
There are general murmurs of assent from everybody except Rin, who seems more than a little distracted. He's taking advantage of the height of the tower to see out past the boundaries of the park (I had the foresight to bring my goggles today, so, wearing them around my neck, I can, at leisure, both see and shield my eyes from the stinging of chlorinated water). "Rin? What are looking at?" The question falls out before I can think to stop it.
The sound of his name seems to tear him back to attentiveness. "Oh, nothing in particular. I was just thinking about… urban landscapes and stuff. It looks nice, even though it's not natural. 'Cause, artists are always like 'natural landscapes are the best' and stuff and I just don't agree. You know?" He forces a smile to try and make his flurry of excuses believable. It doesn't work.
I decide not to press. "So long as that's everything. Because, if you need to talk, you have four pairs of willing ears." It sounds dorkier than I anticipated. "I just need to know you know that."
"I do, Rei." His smile relaxes and becomes more natural. "Thanks."
Without warning, we start moving and his smile gains a more excited element, exhilarated by the unique combination of water and gravity that characterises the water slide as a concept. Nagisa screams from the shock of the affair. I try to focus on the sweet, fleeting sound before it disappears. The raft throws us up and down the walls with all the grace of a hammer. We rocket around the perimeter of the barrier, intermittently colliding with either the person to our left or right. So, in my case, alternating between Nagisa and Rin.
My theory seems to hold true. That ride was significantly less fun in the group of five than a group of nine. However, there is an alternate variable that could be affecting the validity of my results. Rin possessed a particular discomfort. Every time the ride threw me into him, it felt like there was an unnatural tension in his arm, his side, his stomach. Like he couldn't let himself relax.
"Ahh, that was fun!" Nagisa explodes out of our now stationary raft with excess energy and runs over to join the four that wait for us. Is he really so oblivious? We start walking again, off to another ride. Despite our best efforts, we fall out into couples. I seize my chance.
"Nagisa." A private whisper, in direct denial of our rule. "We need to do something for Rin."
"Something like what? A surprise? It's Haru-chan's birthday, you know."
"No! We need to cheer him up! Can't you see he's out of it?"
"Oh, that. Just let it blow over. Rin-chan's just like that. He won't let us help until he has no other choice."
"That's not okay!" I'm adamant. "We're supposed to be precious friends. How can we just let him be miserable while we're all having fun?"
"Did you even pay attention last year? None of us want to do that, it's just how it is." He frowns and now I know why Rin's behaviour is so irritating. This is how he was last year. This prickliness, reserved attitude. Even the aggressive speech, every little detail is like a trip to past.
"Rei. We're here." I nearly walked past it again. Wait. What? Where is 'Rei-chan'? I only now notice that it was Rin who said that. He stretches out a hand with the most natural smile I've seen him manage all day.
"Sorry. I'm a bit distracted."
"We all know. Exactly how soft did you think you were speaking? You were really quite audible, you know." I blush and start stammering, trying to make a sentence out of nothing. "Save it." The abruptness of the sentence makes me obey instinctively. "It makes me happy that you're worrying about me, Rei. Really. It's nice to know you care. But this is something I have to deal with myself. You've done more than your fair part for me, so please just let me handle this alone."
I can't find anything to say, so I settle for taking his hand with a somewhat embarrassed smile.
"Rei-chan, you're not falling for Rin-chan, are you? That's not allowed!"
"Nagisa, please. We discussed this!" I blush deeper, embarrassed to admit the next part publicly. "I said you're the only for me, and I meant it."
"Well, aren't you two a sweet couple?" Chigusa-san calls out to us from a few metres ahead. "But while you're giving us all cavities, the line's moving. So could you follow suit?" I have to say I never noticed she had that biting humour. Even though it's just a little insulting, I can appreciate how it's funny. So we follow suit to find an unpleasant surprise awaiting us at the ride itself. It's that one that semi-simulates the motion of being sucked down a drain. I had a sneaking suspicion this might be the case. The mass simply wouldn't allow for it. We're only allowed two people at a time. Thankfully, one is allowed to go alone, so we aren't at a total mathematical loss. But, socially, we're in a much less advantageous position. I can't assuage my guilt about letting Rin go down alone. At the same time, I've paid my debts to him, so I want to ride with Nagisa (bonus points for letting me test my final hypothesis about party sizes and the fun of fairground rides).
I look back and forth searching for a conclusion that doesn't have a downside. My sense of beauty doesn't allow me to settle for second-best. But sometimes second-best is all that's available. Theory and practice both confirm that. So I swallow my guilt and let Rin have it his way. If he wants to deal with it himself, it's probably best I just let him.
Nagisa lays himself along my arm and forces our hands to intertwine. "You're sweet, Rei-chan."
I smile and allow myself a transgression. "So you're not jealous anymore?"
"I was only teasing."
"So was I." We trade the most complicit smile I think I've ever known to occur.
"God, I can't watch this anymore. You two go first!" Chigusa-san's voice cuts into our flirtatious exchange. The rest of group laughs in an almost-insulting chorus of assent. But I have no qualms. I'm excited.
Nagisa and I climb into the little rubber figure-eight that passes for seating in this ride. With Nagisa's general forwardness, and my prior knowledge of attempting to fit two people in this thing, we settle for the most natural arrangement, laying our legs alongside each other so they touch at every conceivable point. "Ready, Rei-chan?"
"Of course." The attendant pushes our raft into the ride with the offensive 'glad to be rid of you' glare, but I don't even care. Immediately, I have confirmed my hypothesis. The experience of a fairground ride is most fun when partaken in alone with one you love.
"Is it almost time for lunch?" I skipped breakfast to make it on time, and this amusement park stuff is exhausting. But if Gou-chan's having fun, I'm happy for it. I make a natural move to check the time on something – my phone, someone's watch. But we left them all in the change rooms, because we didn't want them getting wet. So there's not a timepiece in my field of vision.
"Seijuro, don't be so inconvenient!" Gou-chan grabs my arm in a way that makes me think I should be inconvenient more often. "It's Haruka-senpai's birthday! He decides when to eat!"
I turn to the black-haired freestyler. "Nanase. Would you mind?" I ask playfully.
"Seijuro!" Gou-chan looks up at me, embarrassed by my lack of self-control.
"It is about lunchtime. So we may as well." He says it in that cool monotone that seems to define his personality.
"Great! So now the big question is where?" I smile sheepishly, myself somewhat embarrassed by my inability to control my stomach.
"The problem is, if we want a proper, birthday-party-style lunch, we'll probably have to leave the park." The tall one, the one who's with Nanase… Tachibana? That's it. He hums out loud as he ponders this newfound dilemma. "There are those upmarket kinds of places in the park, but they're still not really proper fare for the occasion."
"Come off it, Makoto. Anything's proper fare." Nanase cuts off his pondering at the roots.
"Haru, don't say that! We can't let our first birthday together be just anything! Everything has to be perfect." He's almost screaming, with this vehement look on his face.
"It already is." Nanase smiles – for the first time, to my knowledge – and gestures to the crowd around him. "What more could I want?"
"Well, sorry to spoil the fun, but after lunch, I've got to leave." Matsuoka pipes up with this sort of casual disinterest, like he has something more important to do. "I can't tell you why, but just trust me here."
Meanwhile, Gou-chan, Nitori, his new girlfriend and I watch the drama unfold between these five childhood friends. The blonde one cuts in with some childish observation about how he should had said earlier, and the other one, the one that couldn't swim at first, acts like he's pushing up his glasses, until he realises he's not wearing them. I turn to the other three. "So, while we wait, should we make arrangements?"
Gou-chan laughs. "Yeah. This is gonna take a while." A renewed chorus of shouts confirms her statement.
"Well, it looks like the party's gonna break up after lunch anyway, so we may as well go dry off and dress up and leave. Find a good place." Gou-chan's friend has a good point.
"You're a thinker, Hana-san." So her name's Hana. That's probably a good thing to know, at least for today. Nitori expands a little on her ideas. "I'm not too familiar with the area, but I hear there's a place with excellent sushi around here someplace."
"Well, as long as they've got mackerel, you'll have Haruka-senpai sold." Gou-chan giggles her assent.
"I think that'll make a good end to the day. Like, it won't end the day or anything. But I think we'll all go our separate ways after that." Hana makes her observation.
"I think you've hit the nail on the head. Without Matsuoka around, we don't have any reason to not be romantic, so we may as well split up into our private couples."
We reach our conclusion in almost perfect unison with the end of the argument between the other five. As the oldest, I feel a certain obligation to be the voice of the group. "So, we have ourselves a plan, folks."
"Care to give details?" Matsuoka cocks an eyebrow impatiently, like every second's cutting him in the side.
"Give me a chance. We go and dry off and redress, hand back the locker keys, so on. Then we up and leave the park. The tickets you got, Tachibana, are good for the whole day, yes?" He nods silent confirmation. "So if anyone wants to come back, that's an option. Nitori says there's some hearsay of a good sushi joint in the area, so we go there for lunch."
The blonde one with the weirdly pink eyes interjects. "But Sei-chan…"
"Don't call me that."
"Why not? That's your name, Sei-chan."
"That is not my name!" I sigh, defeated. "Whatever. What is it?"
"Do we even know where this place is? How much does it cost? Who'll pay?" He looks like he's got more questions coming but I don't let him carry on.
"We can figure out that stuff later! We can always change plans at the business end. Anyway, we go to this sushi place, eat, and split off into couples, seeing as, without Matsuoka around, we'll be too caught up in each other to really bother for the most part." They seem a touch taken aback at that, but it doesn't take them too long to realise it's pretty true. "Then, proceed to go about the rest of our day as couples." I pause for a second to allow for any disagreement, and also to gather my thoughts. "Any complaints?"
They exchange glances, with some sort of silent conversation. "Good enough for me." Nanase speaks for the five of them and before too long, we've all left the park. I'm glad I thought to dress up, even though we weren't supposed to be fully dressed for the entire day. Wearing tracksuit pants or something in this situation would just be embarrassing. But more to the point…
"So, Nitori. Where is this sushi joint of yours?" He jumps a little like he wasn't expecting the question.
"Well, um… I don't know for sure, but I heard that it's just in the town's business centre. It's called Inari, I think."
"That's a weird name for a sushi restaurant." Gou-chan puts her finger on her chin while she thinks, like an idea's about to fall out of her mouth and she can catch it there. "Inari is the kami of fertility, represented by a ten-tailed fox, right?"
"Well." Ryuugazaki pushes up his glasses, meeting with success this time, as he's actually wearing them. "Inari has no precisely defined gender in mythology, being male, female and androgynous in different contexts. It's a kami of more than just fertility – also foxes, rice, tea, sake, agriculture, industry and general prosperity. So fish is probably in there somewhere. Also, it could just as easily be named for inarizushi, the type of sushi with deep-fried tofu instead of seaweed." How does he know all this stuff? Why does he know all this stuff?
"Woah, Rei-chan." The little blonde one looks impressed. "You're like my private Wikipedia!" I don't have the inclination to point out that he's hardly private. In a serendipitous moment of silence, I take notice of everyone else. Nanase and Tachibana have broken off in front, and they're talking about I don't want to know what. The looks on their faces and their whispers say enough for me. Hazuki and Ryuugazaki have now broken off the side, and Nitori and friend are trailing behind. They've evidently all forgotten the 'no private conversations' rule. So I allow myself a trespass and lead Gou-chan away from her stormy-looking brother.
"Seijuro! Can't you see Onii-chan's lonely?" She seems angry that we've informally separated ourselves from him.
"Of course I can. But I don't think there's a great deal to be done about it, so you should just let it slide."
"But…" She trails off.
"But nothing, Gou-chan. Trust me on this. It's a male pride thing. He just needs to be alone right now."
She turns into me, and I can't decide if she looks angry or happy. "Thanks, Seijuro. You didn't make me feel any better about it, but you tried. So long as this broodiness is normal, I guess I can deal with it." She shoots a concerned glance back at him.
"It's perfectly normal." I lie just a little. Everyone needs to be alone sometimes, but different people do it different ways. Matsuoka goes broody, I just lock myself away in a room someplace. That's just people. Of course no-one's the same. "I think you'll find once he's done with that business he was talking about, he'll be doing just fine."
Gou-chan takes charge of my arm and arranges us so we walk in a makeshift hug. "Now I do feel better. Thanks." She buries her head into the side of my chest, and I keep it quiet that it kind of hurts my lungs.
"No worries, Gou-chan."
I'm glad we found this famous Inari. I couldn't have dealt with having accidentally led everyone to some phantom lunch. That would have ruined everyone's day. "Aiichiro-kun?" Hana-san's voice slides sideways through my thoughts.
"You know what? Call me Ai. It's shorter, and it has a kind of ring to it."
"Okay then, Ai-kun." She giggles a little, but I'm not sure whether it's just because she's happy or because "Ai-kun" sounds more than a little weird. "Can you stop brooding and get in?" She smiles at me with that energy that no-one else seems to have. I realise I've stopped walking, and it's only her and I left outside the restaurant.
"Sorry, Hana-san." I take a few quick steps and we wind up inside. We didn't book ahead so finding enough space for our party of 9 may be a little awkward. I see Nanase-san and Tachibana-san talking with some sort of staff member. The restaurant doesn't look busy, so maybe there's a back room or something with our name on it. The staff member bows and confirms my theory, showing us into a little room built to hold about ten.
I feel a little rude sitting next to Hana-san. It's almost like we're asking to be shut out and have some privacy, but at the minute I don't want that. Seeing as this is going to be the end of our time as a group, I feel as though we should all be social and everything, but with everyone else sitting in couples, I've not got much choice. And, it so happens that I'm sandwiched between Hana-san and Rin-senpai. I don't know whether to be ecstatic or horrified. I squirm awkwardly into position between them and hope no-one notices the tension.
"We've landed a special birthday arrangement with the room." Tachibana-san announces from his position next to Nanase-san. "There's going to be a platter for entrée-style and then main-style sushi, so everyone have your fill. This one's on me." He smiles as the room erupts in protest.
"Mako-chan, that's not fair! You've already paid a locker and the tickets and everything!" Hazuki-kun pipes up with the most insistent look I've ever seen.
"I agree, Makoto-senpai. Let Nagisa and I split this one." Ryuugazaki-kun joins the fray.
"This is supposed to be a special day for you, Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai, so I won't let it turn into a wallet weight instead." The two blush at Rin-senpai's younger sister's assertion.
"I haven't paid for anything yet, and I'm busting up the party, so I think it's only fair I pay." Rin-senpai says it in this way that doesn't allow for argument.
"Okay, okay, I get it." Tachibana-san waves off his horde of protesters with the most ridiculously broad smile.
"Well, how much is it, Tachibana-san? If it's neatly divisible by, say, 4, I can pay a part, Hazuki-kun and Ryuugazaki-kun can pay a part, Matsuoka-san and Captain Mikoshiba can pay a part and Rin-senpai can pay a part." That's everyone except the birthday boy and his boyfriend accounted for.
"Ai-kun? What about me?" Hana-san looks at with a look that seems to veil some supernatural anger.
"You've already paid for a locker and besides, it's only fair the boyfriend pays something like this. So I'll pay for the two of us, Hana-san." I make my excuses in the most natural way possible.
"Well, I guess that's sweet. But I can pay for myself." She rummages in her handbag and pulls out her purse with unparalleled speed. That thing must be as well-organised as a library.
"I have to insist on this. As I said, you've already paid for a locker, so it's only fair I absorb this part of the expense."
She toys with the idea for a while and then puts her purse away again. "Okay then. You can pay. But just this once, got it?"
"Sure. Just this once." And we break into another one of those dorky smiling sessions and it sort of catches until everyone at the table has a dorky smile.
"That works out pretty neatly, Nitori-kun. It's 12400 all up, so that's 3100 yen apiece, yes?" He counts on his fingers to double-check his calculations."
"You were planning on paying all of that yourself, Mako-chan! That's too much!" Hazuki-kun never seems to keep his mouth shut.
"As much as it pains me to say it, I agree with Nagisa on this one." Rin-senpai cuts in. "3100 yen is much more manageable for us, and it makes it feel like we've done things." He turns his head to me, and his face swings closer to mine that what I am currently comfortable with. "Good thought, Ai." He says it to me, who's turned as red as a lobster with the awkwardness born of physical intimacy.
Why is this decision so hard? Why are feelings so confusing? Looking out the sides of my eyes, my peripheral vision is crowded – Hana-san sits on one side and Rin-senpai on the other. And it frustrates me to no end to know that I don't know how I feel about either of them. I don't know whether it's right for me to love another guy. I don't if this feeling is called love, or if it's just admiration. And I don't if like Hana-san in that way either. I definitely like as a friend, but I don't know if that's all. And I decided that not knowing is enough for now, enough for me to get to know her well enough to find out. But I'm seventeen soon. I feel like this is sort of dilemma a fourteen-year-old has.
"Ai." Rin-senpai says it softly enough that, even in this crowded room, only Hana-san and I could conceivably hear it. "Don't get hung up on me. I said it at the station, didn't I? This girl is a good match for you, so don't let it go waste because you don't know what I am to you. I'll always be your friend, if nothing more, so go for it." He smiles at me privately and I both like it and hate liking it. But it's reassuring to hear it from him.
"Thanks for the support, Rin-senpai." Hana-san is more sarcastic than she probably should be in this situation, but that acidic humour is actually quite likeable. "But thank you, legitimately. I think Ai-kun needed to hear that." She knows me better than I thought possible, considering we met a week ago. "And, I just need to make sure you know I'm not pressuring you either. If you're not cool with this, you can break it off whenever you want." She leans in against my arm. "It's not worth it if your heart's not in it."
"Thanks to both of you." Hearing it come out of someone else's mouth has cleared my head. "I still don't know. I might never know. But for now, it's enough. It's enough to play it blind and see how it turns out. But it's reassuring to know you'll both be there."
"Your entrée platter has arrived." The waiter arrives with the food as promised and lays it on table, laying his arm between Rin-senpai and I to do so. A general murmur of thanks rises from around the table and he takes his leave. "Enjoy."
"Mm." I make my final private comment to my two neighbours. "I don't know really know what love means yet, but for now, let's eat!"
Well, I can't say I don't feel bad for ditching them, but this is something I have to do. They'll understand soon enough. I pull a small sheet of paper out of my pocket with an address on it, just to double check. Sato's changed since we lived here all that time ago, so it's tough to find someplace I know. But some part of me stubbornly refuses to ask the internet for directions. I can find my own way, with a little time. So I just meander for a little while, following the wind to wherever until I happen upon the old pool.
It's certainly in a better state than Iwatobi. You can tell this thing's never been shut down. It's buzzing just like it was when Sosuke and I joined the afternoon we first met. If anything, it's busier. I look through the windows at the next generation of swimmers, but all I can see is memories. Sosuke and I, our first day. The day we started backstroke, then breaststroke, then butterfly. The day we made a bet over a race, and I lost again dammit. The day I had to leave.
It gets a little difficult to keep staring all these memories in the face, so I resort to some age-old internal map and start walking towards the place that Sosuke lived when we were kids. Even after all this time and all these places, I still remember it. I could walk the path blindfolded. Over there is the streetlight that's bent at the top, like the light bulb's too heavy. I look at it now, and see the droop has been fixed. I'm almost disappointed. I turn right into a side street without having to give my body active permission to do so. It's about a kilometre from here. I remember a stray cat that'd set up shop here, like it intended to make this little alleyway its home permanently. I come out the other side into a street I recognise. Did I used to live here?
You know what? I did. I see the house I called home as a kid, and wondered how it is I forgot it. I stop walking just for a second, and just let myself reminisce a little. That night Rue-chan broke her arm. The moon controls the tides. All the other sleep-overs and play-dates and parties and get-togethers that happened there. It's like looking at all the pages of a photo album at once. It doesn't look inhabited. The garden's overgrown and the fences are covered in some sort of climbing plant. I forgot we even had a garden. Something so rare, and I forgot. I wonder what else I've forgotten as I turn my head towards the pavement and start walking again.
I check the address in my pocket again to make sure it hasn't changed. Everything else is different, so I can't trust that Sosuke still lives at the same place. My rushed handwriting is difficult to read on the crumpled paper, but the words still ring familiarly in my head. Sosuke's house. My body hooks to the left autonomously, and I find myself face to face with a two-storey white house that I remember better than my own. And walking out of it, carrying a box loaded to the brim with god-only-knows what, comes a face I couldn't forget if I tried. "Sosuke."
He starts when he hears my voice. Well, he wasn't exactly expecting me. "Look what the cat dragged in." His tone and his smile are harshly at odds with his words. A cat meanders out of the front door as proof the universe has a sense of humour. In patent defiance of physics, it jumps up Sosuke's legs and somehow gets to his shoulder, where it nestles into a little groove caused by the weight of the box. "It's been a long time, Rin."
"Yeah." I can't quite bring myself to look him straight in the eye, but at the same time, I can't make myself look away. "Sorry I never wrote or rang or visited or anything."
"That's as much my fault as yours. So, I'm sorry too, I guess." He puts the box down into the open boot of a car that sits on the street. "Can you tell we're moving?"
"It's pretty obvious." I laugh, and that relationship we had as kids starts seeping back in. "But, as it happens, I already knew."
"Gou-chan's not good at keeping secrets?"
"Not in as many words. There were… circumstances."
He looks at me with one eyebrow cocked. "Circumstances, huh? Like what?"
"Well, like, all the guys in swim club at school started getting into relationships and everything and I kind of started feeling really alone. You know."
He rubs his fingers over the pink nose of the cat of his shoulder. "Yeah, I do. We adopted that stray from the alley so I could have some company after you left. Rin, meet Nekorin."
"That's really the best name you could come up with?"
"Well, it's exactly what he is. Why bother with anything fancy?" I remember now why we were so close in the first place. It's like we were never apart. "So, what brings you here?"
"I was in the area anyway, so I thought I'd drop by." I try to hide my blushing cheeks. "I wanted to see you again."
"It wouldn't have been too long anyway." He sits on an empty patch of the car boot and motions for me to sit next to him. With some difficulty, I manage to contort myself into a position that suits the curvature of the car, and I'm not left with much choice but to put one leg over Sosuke's knees. "You just couldn't wait, is that it?"
Somehow, now I'm here, I don't want to say it so straightforwardly. "Well, you know how I said all the guys in my swim club were getting into relationships and started feeling alone and all that?" I turn my head into the car so I don't have it talk directly to him. It's easier to confess this to the car and then have him overhear. Unconsciously, my hand starts searching for his, and before too long we join hands like we did back then. It's like he's given me permission to say whatever I need to now. "Well, I was thinking that… with the letter and everything, like… you know."
"I do know, but I'd still like to hear you say it. I like it formal."
What a time to discover I'm not a wordsmith. I just don't know what to say to him. "Well… it's a bit like… when we were kids and all, I always thought I'd be around you forever. And, after going through boarding schools and whatnot, I've come to think that meant something a little different." My tongue stumbles over the words in some sort of nervous fit. "I think the way I felt about you when we were young was love." There. That wasn't so hard. He hums in some sort of assent. "So, when my friends started falling in love, I thought of you. And… I just wanted to know if you felt the same way." I breathe out heavily. There. Done. Simple.
He smiles back at me. "Do I really have to say it?"
"I had to say it to you. One for one."
"Okay, then." I can't help but envy the ease he has about this. "I loved you too, Rin. I always have, and still do." He rearranges himself so we face into one another, legs mutually folded through the other's. "But, I want to know just one thing."
I straighten my back in surprise, because that's the only movement left to me. "What?"
"Dorimu." That's all he has to say. I can fill in the blanks myself.
"Well, I am now. Thanks to my friends." I have to fight my brain to get the words out. "Actually, that's why I never wrote."
"I don't get what you're saying, Rin. You never wrote because you were too busying training, is that it?" He looks a little confused.
"No." I can't find the right words to explain everything. "A year or so after I left here, I went to Australia, to a school there with a specialist swimmer program."
"You always were good at English."
"Not good enough to go to a foreign country age 13." He doesn't respond, so I press on. "But, anyway, I sort of plateaued while I was there and I just couldn't get any better. And when I came back and I couldn't even beat Haru, I just about gave up. And then again, last year, I just couldn't get my times up, and I couldn't keep them up. I kept going backwards, and I was just about ready to throw in the towel again."
"But you're okay now, right?" The concern in his voice isn't a thing I deserve to hear. I caused a lot of people a lot of trouble for that.
"Mm. But, the point is, I couldn't bear to face you again knowing I hadn't gone anywhere."
"Well, you're not the only one who's had off patches, Rin." I gasp a little in half-shock. Sosuke, the powerhouse, the machine, had a slump? "A couple of years back, Rue got herself a placement with a ballet company in Tokyo."
"What? Really, when she was 16? Great for her!" I'm surprised to find myself so genuinely ecstatic to hear that. "So, she's a pro now?"
"Yeah. And you know how competitive she and I always were." Do I ever.
"I remember, one time, she said she'd passed some exam. Grade 6? Something like that. And the next day, you pestered our coach to start teaching us breaststroke, just so you didn't fall behind." We share a laugh over that stupidity that characterises childhood.
"Well, yeah. Just like that. She went pro, and I felt like whatever I did just wasn't good enough anymore until I went pro too. So I worked and worked and went to competition after competition but nobody wanted anything to do with me because I was only 15. So, at nationals that year, I came first in my main race but still, no scout or anything." I catch my breath after coughing it all out at that comment.
"You came first at nationals and that wasn't good enough for you?" Christ, I couldn't even make it to regionals when I was 15.
"You know how it is with Rue and I. I wasn't a pro, so it wasn't enough. And after that, the next year, I didn't even pass prefecturals, because I just lost sight of the point and gave up a little."
"What got you back on the train?"
"Our promise."
There's nothing left to say between us. So instead I take our hands, still linked and pull us in closer to each other. "It's nice to see you again after so long." With that comment, I close the last of the space between us and suddenly we're kissing. Really nice.
That Monday…
"Okay, class. I know we said Rin-kun was an exception, but we've accepted another transfer student due some exceptional circumstances." I can hear the teacher's voice through the door. "Come in, Sosuke-kun." I push the door open and make my way in. There's a little murmur of curiosity, as you'd expect. I take a piece of chalk and write my name on the board.
"Yamazaki Sosuke. Due to some financial trouble, I had to move last minute." I catch sight of Rin in the front row and almost lose my train of thought. "It's nice to meet you all." I've never much been one for pleasantries, so I don't smile or bow or anything. My job's done and now I just make my way over to the only seat available. I cast a glance at Rin as I walk past. We share a moment of privacy in the open world, the way only we can. I pull the chair out from the desk. Second from the back, right near the window. Fantastic view of the pool. What more do I want?
A voice cuts in from behind. "Nice to meet you, Yamazaki-kun. Tachibana Makoto." A tall boy with green eyes sits in the seat one behind and one right of mine. He gets the dubious honour of being the first to welcome me (technically, as of Saturday with Rin and all, I hadn't yet transferred). I turn around to face him, and instead see a face that's somewhat familiar staring out the window. "And this is…"
"Nanase Haruka." Hearing his name said, the daydreamer turns his attention to me for only a second before reverting to poolgazing.
"How do you know my name?" He seems to care enough to ask, at least.
"Really? You have to ask? You're quite famous in the swimming community."
"Oh, Yamazaki-kun, you're a swimmer, are you?" Tachibana (that was his name, right?) seems fascinated by the prospect.
"Only since I was five."
"So we can expect to see you at the swimming club then?" Rin throws a glance to the back of the room from his seat. He smiles at me. You've hit it off with them already.
"Of course. I already know Rin quite well, so I think I'll fit right in." Saying I know Rin "quite well" has to be the understatement of the century. After Saturday, we know each other about as well as you can possibly know a person.
"Well, class is about to start so I won't ask how right now. But see you this afternoon!"
That afternoon…
"Sosuke, you've already met these two, huh?" Rin meets at the back door of the classroom as we go to walk out. "The friends I told you about."
"I'd guessed." The four of us naturally fall into two couples. And I can't help but notice Nanase and Tachibana are as close as Rin and I. I join the dots in my head. So maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but I'm not wrong on this.
"So, Yamazaki-kun."
"Please, call me Sosuke. I don't like standing on ceremony."
"Perfect, neither do I. Call me Makoto."
"Haru." I think that's the last word I'll get out of him.
"Sosuke. How is it that you met Rin?"
I smile as the exact memory comes back to me. "First day of school, way back when. Things just kind of rolled from there." Rin and I cast a glance at each other, mutually agreeing to keep exactly how far it's rolled a secret.
"Just like Haru and I! Must be fate, huh?" He puts on this devilish smile that at once confirms that yes, he is with Haru and also makes me suspect he's onto me and Rin.
"I guess you could call it that." While I had no way of knowing it for myself, we've made it to the pool.
"The other two aren't quite here yet." Rin makes the assertion in a way that makes him sound almost disappointed. "You'll get a real kick out those two, Sosuke. C'mon, time to change." So we go into the beat-up old change rooms and do exactly that. Just as I've managed to get my things in order, these infamous two others barge in.
"Oh? Who's this?" This kid with an explosion of blond hair and pink eyes bubbles into the room and immediately notices me.
I clear my throat to answer him and his bespectacled companion before Rin says "Just change for now. We'll introduce you formally once everything's in order." So we change in relative silence, but the two newcomers seem to have a private little conversation. So are these two a couple as well? I laugh to myself ad Rin and I walk out together, having finished changing in near unison.
"When you said your friends had gotten into relationships, Rin, you didn't say with each other."
"I thought you'd figure it out pretty fast." We take a moment to just laugh.
"Ah! Sosuke-kun!" A head of red hair pokes around the corner.
"Gou-chan! It's been a long time." I smile gently.
"It sure has! And your muscles have only gotten more fabulous since we last met!" I look at Rin in moderate surprise. Is this normal? He nods quietly, and that sets my mind at ease just a little. "Mmhmm. You've really matured into a fantastically muscled swimmer!" I decide to just accept it. Who'd ever have known that the innocent little kid I knew would turn into a muscle maniac? She did always have a thing for anatomy. She should be a physio.
"So, Rin-chan! About that introduction…" That blonde kid is back, and the other one isn't wearing his glasses anymore. He looks different without them.
"He couldn't happen to be the extra circumstances you talked about, could he?" The one with(out) the glasses speaks this time.
"Spot on, Rei." Makoto and Haru finally emerge from the change room. "So, is it time for a formal introduction?" Makoto nods permission – so he's the captain.
"I'm Yamazaki Sosuke. I specialise in butterfly. I'm a third-year, but I had to transfer due to some financial difficulties with my family. Rin and I are childhood friends, and Haru and Makoto are in my class, so they've heard all this already. But in any case, nice to meet you all."
The blonde one answers first. "Sou-chan, is it?" Rin just shakes his head. Can't help it with that kid. "Hazuki Nagisa. I'm the club treasurer, but I don't really do all that good a job." Nagisa laughs it off like that's not even an important role.
"Ryuugazaki Rei desu. I'm also a butterfly specialist." So, glasses is Rei. "Welcome to the club, Sosuke-senpai." At least one of them is normal.
"Now, there are a few other little things you need to officially hear, Sosuke." As well as something we need to officially announce. Rin looks at me and then takes a deep breath. "Haru and Makoto are boyfriends. Rei and Nagisa are boyfriends. And Gou's boyfriend is the ex-captain of the Samezuka swimming club."
"Thanks for the tip, but the last one aside, I'd figured all that out already."
Rei tenses up. "Are we really that transparent?"
I laugh a little at his serious tone. "You say it like you should be ashamed. You are that transparent, but go for it, I say. If you love each other, good for you." I let Rin take the stage. He's the established one here, so it makes sense he makes the announcement.
"And lastly, you five. Sosuke and I are boyfriends." We reach out and join hands without even knowing. The rest are a little shocked, except Gou-chan.
"Let it be said, I had this called when you two were six." She's almost proud of that.
There are a few murmurs of "Congratulations" and "I'm happy for you, Rin" and all that stuff. I guess they knew they made him feel lonely. But for some reason, Rei is the only one who's not saying anything. I look quizzically at him. He takes the moment to address me while everyone else fawns over Rin (that Nagisa is a real character – he's totally glomped him.)
"You're a lucky man, Sosuke-senpai. Rin's a truly beautiful person. I hope you can be happy together." There is something I don't know behind those words.
"I'm not sure I understand, but thanks. Same to you and Nagisa." I've learnt so many names today, I'm amazed I haven't made a mistake.
"Well, now all the excitement's out of the way, we need to register for our events at prefecturals." Makoto makes the statement, but I'm not so sure what I should compete in. "I know what everyone else wants to swim, and we know our relay line-up, but Sosuke, what will you swim?"
Rin and I exchange a glance. One last race. "Whatever Rin's in." That's all I have to say about that.
"Okay, so. 100-metre butterfly, 100-metre freestyle and the individual medley. That's all good by you?"
"Right as rain." I couldn't be happier. I get three races against Rin, all the style included. How else do you celebrate a reunion? "That means I'll be up against Rei and Haru in the butterfly and freestyle, as well. Am I right?"
"Well, there's no guarantee we'll be in the same heat, but the theoretical possibility exists, yes." Rei… mightn't be so normal after all.
"Now that's all sorted, time to practice!" Makoto claps his hands twice and we all take a diving block.
After swim training…
… Gou left a little early, because Seijuro called and said he had something for her. After a brief train ride, she met him at a restaurant.
"Gou-chan!" He waved her down from his table.
"Seijuro! What's this urgent thing? I can't just ditch training for a date, you know!"
He blushes a little as he structures his next sentence. "I've finally figured out how I want to say it."
She tilts her head in confusion. "Say what?"
"I love you, Gou-chan." She smiles at first, but then laughs.
"It took you two weeks to come up with just that?"
"I'm not good with feelings and stuff. I'm a man, you know."
A little short of breath, she replies. "That's fine. I can't ask for everything. That's part of why I love you too." Without warning, she swoops in for a kiss. No longer satisfied with the cheek, she shoots for the lips.
… Hanamura was lying on her bed, wondering whether this arrangement with Aiichiro really suited after all. Was it okay to be on his hook like this? Just as the doubt crept in, her phone buzzed and, fishing it out of her immaculately organised handbag, she answered quickly.
"Hello?"
"Hana-san, can you come to the park? There's something I want to say." His tone confused her. She couldn't make out enough over the phone to know whether to be happy or scared.
She had to argue with her mother a little before she was allowed out. It was pretty late and all. But when she got there, Aiichiro was waiting for her near the oak tree where they first met.
"Hana-san! Glad you could make it so quickly."
"My mother would have had it otherwise, but that's neither here nor there. What did you want to say?" Her heart starts racing. She's almost sure she's about to be rejected again.
"I think we can upgrade this relationship a little. I still have my doubts, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I really love you. So, it mightn't be as stone-clad as I'd like, but I think we can call this a true relationship now." He manages the entire confession without stuttering or pausing, and the last word is almost cut short by his new girlfriend's violent hug.
"Ai-kun." She whispers into his ear, eyes threatening tears. The happy kind. "Thank you."
"Now, now, Hana-san. I thought we said we couldn't tell each other thank you." With that, he returns her embrace, comfortable in his decision.
… Nagisa and Rei catch the train back home together like they do every day, and manage to land a fairly well unpopulated train. So there's no sort of social expectation and they're free to do as they like. Rei sits down first, and is promptly joined by Nagisa sitting on his knees.
"Rei-chan, you make for a good seat, you know." He's so ridiculously serious in tone Rei can't help but laugh.
"I'm more than just a seat to you, I hope."
Rotating at the hips, Nagisa turns until their faces are together. "You know you are." A brief kiss serves as punctuation. "Do you want to study at my place tonight?"
"You know, my room's bigger. Why don't you come over to my place so we can have enough space for the two of us to sit comfortably?"
"We don't need much space to sit comfortably, Rei-chan. Look, we're making do with just the one seat!" They laugh at each other and the silent decision is made to go to Rei's. They were at Nagisa's the last time they were in a bedroom together. Equal sharing, right?
"Rei-chan." Nagisa's tone takes a heavier note. "Did I ever actually say I love you?"
"Well, you never really needed to. But, no, not in as many words, I don't think."
"Then, it's about time. I love you, Rei-chan. I have since I met you and I think I will forever."
Rei feels no need to answer, because he knows that Nagisa already knows he feels the exact same way.
… Haru and Makoto walk home together just like any other day. "I have to say, I feel a lot better now that Rin's found somebody, too." Makoto sparks the conversation, just like any other day. "After all, he was your other choice. So it's like I took you away from him."
"Were you listening at club the other day? He's thought we should be together since we were kids. Do you think he would have taken me?"
"You know, when you put it like that, it's a fair point. I guess we really were the last ones to figure it out, huh?"
"Your parents, Rin, Nagisa, Gou, Rei. They all came first." Haru ticks them off on his fingers. "We really were the last, weren't we?"
"But you know what?" Makoto turns his face forward so he's silhouetted against the setting sun. "I wouldn't have had it any other way." He and lover face inward in perfect unison, meeting each other's eyes as surely as if the whole thing had been a highly choreographed cosmic stage show. "Every day we didn't notice makes every day after noticing that much more valuable."
Haru looks down and smiles. "Couldn't have said it better myself."
… Sosuke and Rin decide to walk back to their respective houses, because they live in the same general direction, Rin needs to learn Sosuke's new address and hey, you can always use the exercise. They find themselves out of conversation. Is there anything they haven't already said?
Sosuke suddenly thinks of one thing he needs to know. "Say, Rin?"
Accustomed to walking in silence, Rin perks up at the sudden noise. "Yeah?"
"What exactly is your relationship with Rei? He seemed to be in a really unique position about you."
"You're really sharp, you know that, Sosuke?"
"Only when it comes to you." A moment passes as they both realise how true that statement is.
"Rei and I… have a bit of a history. Remember I said last year at regionals, I was ready to quit swimming altogether?"
"Yeah. You said your friends saved you."
"Well, yeah. Rei was the driving force behind that. They were swimming a relay, the four of them. And then I went and chucked a hissy fit, as I am wont to do in stressful situations."
"And he had the butterfly leg, yes?"
"Right. Anyway, Haru, Makoto, Nagisa and I were in a relay together as kids, and Rei was like my doppelganger. Sort of. But then I got all worked up, and they all saw it. It hit them really hard, and they lost their drive for the relay. So Rei did the only thing he could. He gave me his place. We won, but we were disqualified, of course."
Sosuke whistles. "Can't say I saw that coming."
"I didn't either. But because of that, I sort of had a bit of a thing for him."
"You didn't forget me, did you?" A playful smile makes sure the statement has no malicious intent.
"Of course not. I was just a little ashamed to face you after running away from my dream so often. Dorimu, right?"
"You know, we can both say it properly now. Why are we still saying it like five-year-olds?"
"For the nostalgia, I guess. Just leave it be."
"Good enough for me."
"So, yeah. Turned out Rei's bi and he had a crush on Gou and Nagisa at the same time, so I tried to convince to date me for a while on the premise I'm half-Gou, half-Nagisa."
"That's just the thing you'd do in that situation. You always were that little bit cunning."
Rin is almost offended before he realises it's true. "But, that turned out about as well as you'd expect and so here we are now."
"I have to say I glad he decided he couldn't love you. I can't give you away so easily."
"Calm down there. We've been an item for all of two days."
"Gou-chan had us picked from six, she said. So can we just say it's been that long?"
"Well, I guess it has, hasn't it?"
"We just took our time putting a stamp on it." They stop walking, having reached Sosuke's new house. "I guess we part ways here."
"Don't say it like that. It makes me feel like I'm leaving you all over again."
"You don't have to tell me. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch you walk away without thinking it'll be another six years 'till I see you again." They grasp each other's hands, searching for stability and permanence. "Can you tell me why I don't want to let go?"
"You don't have to. Just because we're not standing next to each other, it doesn't mean we're not together. Well, like it does, literally. But…" Rin trails off, lost in his metaphor.
Sosuke laughs. "Thanks for saying that. It makes me feel better. But can I get a promise from you?" Pulling his partner in close, he steals a quick kiss. Rin wants to be shocked, but can't manage it next to the ecstasy that love turned out to be. "There. Now you have to come back so we can break even."
They laugh again, bumping fists as Rin walks into the setting sun.