Yes; I haven't updated this story in 6 years. No; I had never planned on touching it again. What can I say…I was in the mood to try my hand at writing Sheppards, and I got a personal fan request to bring this old fossil of a fanfic back from the dead.
They shall play the games for our amusement.
Fire Emblem Olympics (Reboot): Thar Be Sheppards
"In case you haven't noticed, we're the new kids on the block," Captain Chrom rallied his team. "We weren't IN the games last season. We didn't win any medals. There's going to be talk going around that we aren't as GOOD as the other teams; that we don't have the experience to compete at their level. Obviously there is only one way to dispel these rumors. We are going to win at everything."
"…Really?" Robin cocked an eyebrow. "That's your plan?"
"Win. At. EVERYTHING." Chrom affirmed.
"And how, pray tell, are we going to do that?"
"…How?" Chrom blinked as though he hadn't understood the question. "We have the biggest team, the best talent pool, and the most modern cast of characters…errr… athletes. We're gonna squat on these retros and shit down their throat!"
"Right. But HOW?"
Chrom again blinked as though he didn't understand the question.
"Routine Plans?"
"…"
"Rotations?"
"…uhhhhhhh…"
"Leads and Closers?"
"Seven Hells Robin; this isn't the invasion of Valm! Its archery contests and DANCE-OFFS!"
"…Give us the match-ups," Robin sighed.
"…lets see…match-ups, match-ups …" Chrom fumbled through the list of events and champions from the first games. "We need someone who knows how to use a rapier to fence against Eirika, so that event goes to me."
"Lucina." Robin corrected.
"Come again?"
"You want the best fencer. Lucina is better than you. By…like…alot…"
"MOTHER!"
"Well you ARE."
"Fine. We field Lucina for the fencing event," Chrom changed the listings. "So for the archery contest we're obviously using Virion…"
"Noire," Robin corrected. "Future children are O.P."
"…Virion's been shooting straight since..."
"Future. Children. Are. O.P." Robin repeated.
"FINE! We field Noire for the archery event," Chrom changed the listings. Again. "Women's boxing…we need a lady manly enough to punch out Vaida. We have Sully…"
"…" Robin facepalmed
"Sully fights Kjelle, and the winner fights Vaida?"
"Flavia…obvious choice is obvious…."
"DAMN IT WOMAN; WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE OVER THE ENTIRE TEAM!"
"All in favor of making mother Team Captain!" Morgan chirped.
"AYE!" 40 hands shot up in unison.
"WHAT…NO! I WAS JOKING! THIS ISN"T A DEMOCRACY!"
"Sorry Chrom," Lissa shifted awkwardly. "But…you know…we want to win…"
"BUT-"
"Right then…new listings …" Robin shoved her husband off his podium and took his list. "The role of team dancer will NOT be filled by Olivia."
"Inigo?" Olivia guessed.
"What…No! We're fielding Vaike."
"Why do I have to dance!?" Vaike protested.
"Because you look like you should be doing porn for a living and you don't wear a shirt." Robin tossed Vaike a parcel of questionable taste. "Here's a man-thong and a bootlegged copy of Magic Mike. Thunder From Down Under that shit."
"Vaike was supposed to do the swimming events," Chrom protested further.
"YOU'RE going to do the swimming event."
"Why am I swimming?"
"Because we're not going to beat Dart no matter who we put in the pool, and its as good an excuse as any to get you back in your exalted swim trunks."
"I refuse." Chrom hated the exalted swim trunks.
"You're going to wear it." Robin crossed her arms.
"There is nothing you can say that is going to get me in that pool."
"Vaike dances and you swim, or Vaike swims and you dance."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"I'll wear the exalted swim trunks,"Chrom grumbled.
"See? This is fun; we're having fun," Robin continued down the list. "Wrestling; we need a lead who can take all kinds of punishment and a closer who can clean house. I'm thinking Basilio…"
"Damn straight, I'll clean house." The West Khan raised his glass.
"…to lead. And Walhart for the close."
"Fuck you, Robin." The West Khan chucked his glass at the podium.
"Acrobatics. Humans don't win this event. Team Tellius has cat laguz...they're stupid good at this…" Robin continued down the list. "We don't have cat laguz. We have…bunnies…for some reason."
"Please…don't try to hide your disappointment…" Panne glared.
"Not gonna lie; I'd rather have lions. And tigers. And dragons that aren't hyper-sexualized prepubescent girls. But whatever…lets work with what we've got…" Bunnies. What the actual fuck. "We field our bunny laguz against the cats. Yarne against Ranulf. Panne against Lethe."
"I'm a Taguel," Panne bristled.
"Taguel. Laguz. Same difference."
"C-c-cats eat bunnies!" Yarne quivered.
"Oh boo-hoo Yarne; fucking grow a pair."
"Perhaps we should field Gaius the Nimble for men's acrobatics," Chrom suggested."He's…nimble…"
"…for a human . Against the beast-men you might as well be fielding Sumia."
"What's THAT supposed to mean!" Sumia puffed
"You'd trip over your own tits if they weren't attached to chests!" the rudest girl on the team cat-called.
"SEVERA! BEHAVE YOURSELF!" Cordelia scolded.
"Pftttt…you wish you could trip over your own…"
"Moving on; AIR RACING!" Robin retook control of the conversation before Severa derailed it further. "The Crow King WRECKED that shit. We're gonna need some next level moves to one-up him."
"That…never happened…" Morgan reviewed the previous six chapters.
"It happened," Robin assured. "The author is a lazy bastard, but it happened."
"…but it didn't…" Morgan pouted.
"OWAIN; MONOLOGUE!"
"Verily doth the sungraced maidens of Ilia fly on wings of glories; strong like steely knives and as one with the wingsteed!" Owain waxed rhetoric. "But nay—I say to thee NAY—the Crow King's alacrity knows no LIMITS! As the holy empress doth mount him and this time as a steed and YAY, though Jill and Marcia suck something awful, see how he surges on wings of black. Behold the MAGNIFICENCE of his ViCtoRyYyYyY!"
"…there you go…that just happened…" Robin applauded the performance."On to winning…we have something that they don't…"
"Minerva?"
"No."
"Future Minerva?"
"WE'RE NOT USING YOUR SLOW-ASS WYVERN!"
"I can transform into a crow."
"NO YOU CAN'T, HENRY!"
"Griffons?"
"Oh for the love of…GALEFORCE! WE HAVE GALEFORCE!" Robin shouted. "Sumia, Cynthia, Cordelia; you're our team!"
"Don't you think Cherche is just a tad bit more reliable than Cynthia?"
"Does Cherche have galeforce?"
"…no…"
"…then shut-the-fuck-up…"
"Can we go back to the part where I have to do pornstar dancing?"
"Settle down, Vaike."
"…Hopefully your mom doesn't trip over her ginourmous ass in mid flight."
"SEVERA; you horrid child!"
"I-I-I DON'T WANNA BE CAT FOOD!"
"...Good Pep Talk…" Robin left the podium.
WINNER: FREDRICK!
"Hardly a challenge," Fredrick made to return to the locker room with Team Ylisse's first gold medal.
"You're not even a real Jeigan!" Mist sobbed, attempting to bring a butchered Titania back from the brink. "You're…what's the word…GOOD."
"Apologies," Fredrick regarded the mess of Marcus, Seth, and Titania he had left strewn across the stadium. "But I expected seasoned knights of heroic renown to be…whats the word…BETTER."
"…I can't feel my legs…" Seth twitched.
"They're out in left-field!" Fredrick called out. Someone should really get on that.
"Well played," Chrom congratulated the Jeigan Supreme. "One of us should at least make for good sport."
"Still dreading the swim milord?"
"…Not looking forward to it…"
"If the swimwear troubles you, I have prepared thirty-six alternative designs. They were taken to your precise measurements and are ready to wear."
"I'm not even going to ask how you know the measure of my undergarments."
"Such attention to detail is my job, milord."
"…It really isn't..."
"I would be remiss in my duty if I did not advise a practice run," Fredrick continued. "Not to disparage your athletic talents, but I suspect your competition will give you greater difficulty than my own."
"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SPLEEN!?"
"OVER HERE, MARCUS!"
"Duly noted," Chrom averted his eyes from the carnage. "...Damn Fredrick...Way to start us off with a bang."
"Would that I could win many more medals for you milord," Fredrick pledged. "I shall now prepare the exalted swim trunks and select a matching…."
"…they'll be time enough for your homoerotic compulsions tomorrow. For now let's just watch Vaike's—SWEET MERCIFUL GODS, WHAT IS HE WEARING!?"
"I believe that is what Robin calls a 'man-thong,'" Fredrick opined.
"THAT'S what a man-thong is!?"
"…Banana Hammock would also be an acceptable turn-of-phrase…"
"Do I even want to watch this?" Chrom wondered out loud as Vaike somehow dressed down to wearing even fewer clothes.
"I'm intrigued," Fredrick watched with great…errrrrrr…attention to detail...
"…of course you are…"