Chapter #8: ITS VAIKE TIME!

"What's he going to dance to?" Robin and the lady Sheppards schemed to put Vaike's routine together.

"Beethoven's 5th Symphony is most alimentative to cerebration. An erotic reimagining would be most edifying."

"(A) for Effort Miriel. Now lets get an opinion from someone who doesn't have full-blown autism."

"Dirty Pop!" Lissa popped to the beat.

"No one who's over the age of 15 and doesn't have a vagina should be dancing to that song."

"Backstreet's Back?" Lissa pouted.

"…Make that a categorical NO to all 90's boy bands. COME ON PEOPLE…sex it up…"

"Save a Horse; Ride a Cowboy!"

"Too country, but I' liking where your head is at Sully."

"Barry White!" Flavia swooned.

"We're trying to impress the judges; not make sweet love on the dance floor."

"Vaike making sweet love on the dance floor would probably be the most impressive thing the judges have ever seen," Cherche opined.

"We're not doing smooth jazz. Period," Robin knew the man they were trying to match to a tune well enough to know that nothing about him carried smooth.

"Blood on the Dance Floor."

"Get that Emo shit out of here, Tharja."

"Skrillex!" Nowi just liked the noise of it.

"Trying to win…not give the judges a seizure…"

"Numa-Numa…"

"…NO!"

"Remember the music at the Carnival where Kjelle got drunk and tried to grope Severa? That was SO…like…the greatest thing I've ever heard." (Nah didn't know much of anything about music). "What about that?"

"Make it faster, dirtier, and give it a techno beat, and that actually isn't a bad idea…" Robin pondered.

"Ohhhh…I know…that rave song!" Cynthia jumped up and down. "The one where it starts off all auto-tuned and then the beat goes Untz-Untz-Untz Untz-Untz Untz-Untz-Untz."

"…that's every rave song ever made…" (or so Cordelia had heard from someone who knew someone who associated with degenerates)

"Untz-Untz-Untz Untz-Untz Untz-Untz-Untz."

"Gods Sumia; did you drop her on her head as a child?"

"…probably…"

"Love it," Robin decided. "Rave theme; lets narrow that down."

"Xtreme Dementia Psytrance." Severa offered. (Cordelia could not have scowled harder if she had volunteered her favorite sex toy)

"…Sexier…"

"Deejay Peerless; Dirty House Year Mix."

"…Sexier..."

"Network 25; DJ Fuck Me."

"…Dial it back a notch…"

"Insane Acid Hard-Trance; Ultimate Tunnel Trance Force."

"WHY DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS!?" Cordelia cried.

"…Perfect…" and thank you Corderlia's terrible parenting. "We have a routine. This is going to be SO much better than what they did last time."

"…Ummmm…Mother…?"

" Yes Lucina?"

"…Tellius isn't doing what they did last time…" Lucina pointed to the event zone. Devdan was warming up…in dreadlocks and a beanie and full Rastafarian garb.

"Mah beats be hypnotic funky fresh; ya' can't step to mah rhythm mon," Devdan taunted with a newly acquired Jamaican accent and performed a Kingston daggering move on a squealing Mist.

"…For Reals?" Maybe dialing it back a notch isn't the way to go."IS HE SMOKING A BLUNT!?"

"If it isn't on the list of performance enhancing drugs its legal," Miriel read the rules.

"Give me that!" Robin stole her rulebook and thumbed through. "…You're telling me we can give our athletes anything that isn't on this list, and the judges won't dock us?"

"Those are the rules. Fascinating, isn't it?"

"MIRIEL! LAURENT! SIDE-BAR" Robin called the mages into a private huddle. All the rest of the team heard of it was what Laurent shouted and Robin shouted back when the huddling was done.

"WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT!?"

"BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER IS SOCIALLY RETARDED, AND YOU'RE THE ONLY OTHER PERSON SMART ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE MATTHEW DOESN'T FUCK US!"

With that, Laurent departed in search of a certain Lycian scoundrel.

"ROBIN! We need to talk about Vaike's routine!" A concerned Chrom appeared.

"Yes we do!" Robin went down her checklist. "Where do we keep the glowing body paint?"

"Vaike's outfit is completely UNACCEPTABLE! What were you thinking!?"

"…I was thinking florescent green…"

"YOU HAVE HIM PARADING ABOUT LIKE ONE OF FREDRICK'S PORTRAITS!" (Fredrick's strange, strange portraits)

"That's the general idea…yes…" Robin directed his attention to Devdan. "You seen what Tellius is fielding?"

"…what the hell is that oaf supposed to be?" Chrom sniffed "Is that a skunk?"

"Ohhhh…Its skunky alright…" Severa grinned, and Cordelia resolved that when she gave birth in the correct timeline she would beat her child.

"We have a dancer. A REAL dancer," Chrom protested for the umpteenth time. "Just use Olivia and be done with it."

"If we use Olivia, we're doing the same damn thing as Tethys and Ninian. And we lose."

"Tethys sucks out loud."

"If we use Olivia, we're doing the same damn thing as Ninian. And we lose," Robin corrected. "The point is we have to think outside the box."

"ITS VAIKE TIME!" the man of the hour appeared shirtless, accentuated around the goods, and ogled by everyone from Nowi on up.

"…very outside the box…" Robin briefly went over the game-plan. It involved shuffles, jumps, and pelvic thrusts. Lots and lots of pelvic thrusts. It also involved…"

"…back…" a disgruntled Laurent handed Robin a discrete package. "Don't ever ask me to do that again."

"Miriel; TEST!"

"The chemical composition is correct," Miriel ran Matthew's goods through a collection of scientific instruments. "No foreign substances detected. Reactions proceed as expected upon contact with synthesized neurotransmitters. The substance is pure!"

"…Brilliant…" Robin broke a tablet in half and gave it to Vaike. "Take one half now and the other half EXACTLY one hour before stage time."

"What is it?"

"Magic," Robin lied.

"Teach don't need no magic TO KNOW HOW TO ROCK!"

"Its Super Magic."

Miriel shook her head "What manner of imbecile would find a burden of persuasion met by a colloquial use of…"

"…gimme…" Vaike downed half a pill. "CLASS IN SESSION; TEACH JUST GOT TENURED!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"What did you really give him?" Chrom asked.

"Methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetimine." Miriel said as plainly as she would ever.

"What?"

"Ecstasy."

"Oh."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Only if its laced," Severa spoke too authoritatively for Cordelia to avoid groaning.

WINNER: VAIKE!

Team Ylisse laid claim to its second medal in a showdown for the ages between Vaike and Devdan (Ninian did not improve enough to stay competitive against the new talent, and Tethys continued to fail at life).

On the dance floor, Vaike's discovery that he could make his pecs dance and decision to mix this up with the rest of his routine carried the day. Devdan—again inched out by the slimmest of margins—has resolved that next season he will take the gold.

The walking stereotype he will employee to achieve this feat remains unknown. (We suspect it will somehow involve Congo Bongos).

After the dance-off, Vaike gave an interview in which he dry-humped a reporter and melted into a man-puddle of rubs and feels on a fur rug. The rug turned out to be Panne.