Yes; I wrote most of this chapter while drunk.

No; I do not own Fire Emblem.

WARNING: The stunts in this chapter were performed by fictional characters. If you try to drink this much, YOU WILL DIE.

Chapter #10: FUCK YEAH, BEERFEST!

"I have good news, bad news, and amazing news." Robin announced. "The good news is we're 3-and-0."

Team Ylisse gave a collective w00 tw00t.

"The bad news is we're doing so good, all the other teams are going to start ganging up on us."

Team Ylisse gave a collective booooo.

"And the amazing news is that after watching Beerfest for the one millionth time, the author has decided that the next event is going to be Drinking Games."

"…that's not a sport…" Chrom protested.

"Don't care. We're doing it. MIRIEL; RULES!"

"The following terms and conditions apply," Miriel read off the list of rules and regulations for competitive drinking. "ONE: any team member may participate, even if registered for another event."

"That means we can use Vaike and Basilio; awesome," Morgan saw another win coming.

"TWO: each team must have five drinkers, the combined weight of which shall not exceed 650 lbs."

"Why is there a weight rule?" Chrom asked, confused.

"It means we CAN'T just fill our roster with Vaike's and Basilio's," Robin explained. "For every heavyweight used we must also use a lightweight; size-to-tolerance ratios count for more than who can tank the most alcohol with their body."

"…so we have a strategic choice to make in whether we use a Vaike and balance it out with a Ricken, or whether we use five mid-sized drinkers."

"Exactly," Robin already had the beginnings of a roster in mind. What that really means is we want to start off with a core of shameless alcoholics weighing in under 150, and then dump the leftover weight into the heaviest heavies we can get away with in the final teamslots.

"THREE: A match between teams shall be a best-of-five challenge, consisting of the following five events in the following order: first a Solo Chug in which one drinker shall compete, then 10-Cup Beer Pong in which two drinkers shall compete, then a Beer Marathon in which two drinkers shall compete, then a round of Flip-Cup in which the whole team must compete, then a Keg Race in which the whole team must compete."

"No Monkey Chug?" Severa was shocked and Cordelia was (again) mortified.

"…I think that's part of the Beer Marathon…" Robin read the explanation of each event.

"FOUR: every drinker must compete by the end of Round #3."

"…makes sense…if we use a lightweight and a heavy, we can't give every challenge to the heavy…" Robin didn't think that one required any elaboration.

"FIVE: The match ends when a team loses three rounds. Puking, Spilling, or Passing Out in any round is a MATCH DISQUALIFICATION for the TEAM of the offending drinker, unless the offense occurs in Round #5, in which teams shall compete to the last drinker standing."

"Hear that ladies!? No party fouls and hold your liquor!" Basilio guffawed.

"SIX: The games shall be held in double-elimination brackets. Elibe shall drink against Magvell. Tellius shall drink against Ylisse. The winner of Elibe v. Magvell shall drink against the winner of Tellius v. Ylisse, and the winner shall advance to the finals, and the loser shall compete against the winner of…"

"…double eliminations…we get it…" Miriel would have talked for another hour if Robin didn't cut her off. "Okay those are the rules. Now; who's our best drinker?"

"I AM!" two dozen hands shot up in unison, followed by two dozen angry glares.

"Seriously," Robin was not amused (okay; maybe she was just a little amused). "Who's our best drinker?"

"I AM!" the same two dozen hands shot up, and the same two dozen angry glares followed.

"Teach can drink you under the table, boy!" Vaike growled.

"You're twice my size; pound-for-pound I'm better!" Ricken retorted.

"Pound-for-pound you're a woman; I can drink you under the table," granted…Cherche was also twice his size.

"…Vodka is harsh drink, yes? Gregor very good this…"

"I'm 90 percent certain The Gregulator is my real dad," Owain opined. "Which means I inherited Russia-level drinking skill."

"…You also inherited Lissa-level drinking skill…" Lucina pointed out.

"I can drink!" Lissa pouted.

"We told you there was rum in the punch at Chrom's wedding and you were rubbing on Stahl after two cups. It was Kool-Aid and pineapple juice," Sully mocked.

"I may have added Everclear," Virion admitted.

"Yeahhhhh…this isn't working…" Robin was once again reminded, as she so often was, that she was surrounded by idiots. "I'm gonna let you take it from here Laurent. Drop some science on these fools."

"…As you may or may not recall…" Laurent took the podium, "During Gerome and Nah's wedding, everyone got stupid blackout drunk."

"I'm married to Gerome?" That was news to Nah.

"…Or was it everyone got stupid blackout drunk and then Gerome and Nah had a wedding? That's not important…" Laurent adjusted his glasses. "What is important is that while you were passed out, mother was able to weigh all of you and obtain measurements of your blood-alcohol-level. With this data we calculated the precise number of drinks that each of you had before you hit your limit and prepared an index of adjusted tolerance scores, scaling for weight class." Laurent handed Robin the list.

"Yep…that's about what I figured…" Robin crunched the numbers. "Severa; did you gain weight since we murdered Grima's face?"

"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?"

"You know what—it doesn't even matter—you're on the team."

"…I don't suppose I get any say in this…" Cordelia now fully expected to go grey by the time she was thirty. If she didn't pull her hair out first.

"Your daughter parties; deal with it." Robin had one child who had tried to execute her and another lost in time, and somehow still had better maternal instincts then Cordelia. "…Sully is on the team…"

"HA! You don't even have to ask if I've gained weight."

"…Gregor is on the team…"

"RUSSIA WINS AGAIN!"

"And now we have a problem," Robin hit a stumbling block. "Do we go mid-mid or light-heavy."

"What are the choices?" Morgan asked.

"…Cherche and Stahl…"

"Solid picks," Chrom opined.

"…or Kellam and Nowi…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…I think we all know what needs to happen…"

ELIBE (Sain/Farina/Matthew/Hector/Serra) vs. MAGVEL (Ross/Forde/Tana/Cormag/Moulder)

"You sure you're in the right event, pigtails!" Ross taunted Serra.

"You ever heard the saying Drinks like an Ostian?" Serra shot back.

"No…is that a thing?"

"It is now."

ROUND #1: SOLO CHUG

"…I got this…" Hector took his pitcher. (Yes…a full fucking pitcher…)

"You think you can drink boy?" Moulder took his own. "I was swiggin' Guinness when you were suckling at your mother's teet."

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN OLD MAN!" Hector hollered like a frat boy and pounded the table.

DRINKERS: BEGIN!

Hector chugged and chugged and chugged and chugged.

"I remember my first beer! You want me to put a nipple on that for you?" Moulder laughed in his face.

Hector chugged and chugged and chugged some more.

"Brewst." Moulder raised his full pitcher and toasted when Hector was almost a quarter done...and finished before Hector hit the halfway mark…

WINNER: MAGVEL

"What the fuck was that!" Farina demanded. "Against a PRIEST!?"

"He's some kind of Irish super-priest…" Hector gasped and belched and shook off the beer rush. "...He's the strongest priest in the world..."

Moulder Bwahaha'd and left the stage.

ROUND #2: BEER PONG

"Miss. MISS you bastard!" Matthew performed a gesture with his tongue that suggested an oral sex act and pantomimed jerking off over the table, and did everything else one does in a game where trying to distract your opponent by the crudest means possible is not only allowed, but encouraged.

Cormag winked, cocked back, and sunk the ball into the second-to-last cup. Tana made the last shot, closed out the match, and pantomimed a bitch-slap while Cormag thumped his chest.

WINNER: MAGVEL

Serra and Matthew drank.

ROUND #3: BEER MARATHON

Farina leads for team Elibe. She chugs a beer and runs 50 feet to a pole, bends over with her head facing it, and spins around five times and does ten jumping jacks. Next she climbs a cargo net, chugs another beer at the top while hanging upside down from a set of monkey bars, and shimmies down to a station with a dart board, a beer bong, and a shot glass. She throws a dart at the board and hits the number "FIVE," requiring her to chug out of the beer bong for 5 seconds before crabwalking 25 feet to a station with coins and a shot glass. There she bounces coins until she lands one in the shot glass, takes the shot, and catches the coin in her mouth. She sprints back to the starting line and chugs one more beer, then spits out the coin and hits the buzzer to clock in the completion of her run. Sain chugs and sprints down the obstacle course as soon as she buzzes in.

Forde starts for Team Magvell and finishes behind Farina; struggling with the coins while Farina lands her second bounce.

Ross starts with a 10 second deficit to Sain, but makes it up at the dartboard (where a perfect throw lets Ross drink from the shot glass and skip the chug completely, and a wild miss has Sain losing 15 seconds at the beer bong).

Sain puts the nail in Team Elibe's coffin when he fails at coins; Ross buzzing in with Sain still struggling to bounce one in.

WINNER: MAGVEL

An embarrassed Team Elibe returns to the lockers; shut out in three rounds. Magvel takes its win with composure and quite dignity (just kidding; the cries of "Ostia SUCKS!" and "Lick these Sacred Stones, bizznitch!" are so raucous they quake Grado).

TELLIUS (Heather/Boyd/Nephenee/Tibarn/Shinon) vs. YLISSE (Severa/Sully/Gregor/Kellam/Nowi)

"…how the hell is this team coming in under weight?" Sully sized up the competition.

"Cool thing about birds…" Boyd lifted Tibarn. "Hollow bones."

"Laaaaaammmme." Severa complained.

"You picked your biggest man and made up the difference with a dragon." Tibarn scowled. "I don't wanna hear it."

ROUND #1: SOLO CHUG

"I had a birdy once. He died…" Nowi faced down Tibarn. "Do you go tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet?"

"No. I'm not that kind of bird."

"Do you lay eggs?"

"I'm a man."

"So? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Look kid…I'm not going to be the one to explain this to you…"

DRINKERS: BEGIN!

Tibarn won, because he's Tibarn. But holy hell…Nowi can chug...

ROUND #2: BEER PONG

"This not being fair; how Gregor supposed to throw with pretty ladies kissing?" Heather and Nephenee were taking advantage of the crude distractions are not only allowed, but encouraged rule in full.

"JUST PUT THE BALL IN THE CUP!" Severa had made enough shots to keep the game neck-in-neck, but the uselessness of her partner was beginning to annoy her.

Gregor took a shot…and missed completely when Nephenee motor-boating Heather's ample rack drew his attention elsewhere.

Heather made the final cup and mockingly blew Gregor a kiss.

"Nephenee missed. If we both make the cup on the next shot we still win," Severa explained.

"Gregor knows this."

Severa threw and sunk it. "If you make this shot I will…" Severa leaned in and whispered in Gregor's ear, and Gregor suddenly had very little interest in the distractions being thrown against him.

"What if you are Gregor's daughter?"

"Pftttt…like my mom would actually have taste that good…"

"You make good argument; flying horse woman romances like wet blanket." Gregor took his ball and focused on his throw; not on the booty-shaking and titty bouncing attempting to derail it. "Sorry ladies; Gregor must win for trashy partner…"

…andddd the ball flew straight and landed in the cup.

"RUSSIA WINS AGAIN!"

ROUND #3: BEER MARATHON

Team Ylisse stomped, and Sully's treatment of the obstacle course made those who said Drinking Games were not a real sport second guess themselves (Sully's treatment of the obstacle course being the reason WHY team Ylisse stomped).

ROUND #4: FLIP-CUP

"Anyone else drunk yet?" Sully staggered to the table.

"Nope." Kellam was too big.

"…Getting there…" Severa was Severa.

"Gregor is sober as bird. Not that bird," Gregor gestured at a tanked Tibarn.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Where's Nowi?"

"Tehehe-hehe," Nowi fluttered giggling and red-faced over to Team Tellius's side of the table, cuddling against Tibarn's wing. "I want to play with Mr. Bird!"

"…Wrong side Nowi…" Kellam lifted the giggling girl and moved her to her correct position. "You remember what you have to do, right?"

"Drink the beer!" Nowi liked this game.

"We're playing Flip-Cup," Kellam reminded her. "What's the other thing you have to do?"

"Oh…right…put the cup at the edge of the table and flick the bottom. It has to land upside down!"

"Teammates can't drink until cup lands so flip it good, yes?" Gregor figured Nowi was either going to be really good at this or really, really bad.

"You got it gramps!"

DRINKERS: BEGIN!

Nowi got the cup resting right on her fourth flip, which wasn't great, and which started the team off at a disadvantage against Shinon (who got it on his first try). Her chugging speed made up for some of the lost time, with Nowi already on her second flip when Shinon finished his beer. Severa made up for the rest.

Team Tellius stalled out on Boyd, who kept flicking the cup too hard. Boyd took longer to get it sitting right then Sully and Gregor combined. Kellam finished before Nephenee and Heather even got a chance to drink.

WINNER: YLISSE!

"Three losses; we're out," Heather finished her beer just for the sake of finishing."So its Magvel vs. Ylisse for a spot in the finals and us versus Elibe for redemption?"

"Looks that way," Tibarn stretched his wings and accidentally knocked over Nephenee. He was drunk. "MIST! I've got another pitcher to down. Do that thing you do…"

MAGVEL vs. YLISSE

"Ummmmm…What are they doing?" Robin couldn't help but notice the drinkers of Team Magvel getting some kind of stave treatment.

"They're using restore staffs to lower their blood-alcohol before the next match," Eliwood informed her.

"…the fuck is a restore staff?"

"It's what you use to treat your soldiers when they've been poisoned…"

"…"

"Silenced?"

"…"

"Put to Sleep?"

"…"

"Berserked?"

"…Shit…" We don't have those. "Hey; best buddy. Can we borrow a…"

"What's your record?"

"…3-and-0…"

"There's your answer," Eliwood walked away.

Fuck. "Hey! IKE! Best buddy…"

"…No…" The captain of Team Tellius plainly refused.

"Eirika?"

"Fuck your team in every hole," the princess flipped her off.

Well we just lost this game, Robin watched deflated as Nowi chugged against Moulder. She won…barely…but was completely non-functional by the time the round was done (Kellam removed her from the stage before she could test her theory that the source of Moulder's power was his mustache).

Severa and Gregor beat Tana and Cormag, but loss of coordination on Sully cost Ylisse the Beer Marathon and the entire team collectively failed at motor skills on Flip-Cup. That took Ylisse to…

Round #5: Keg Race

"…I feel icky…" Nowi didn't like this game anymore.

"Oh no you don't!" Severa wake-up slapped the rapidly blacking out manakete. "We are one keg away from the finals!"

"How many beers are in there?" Sully stared in wide-eyed horror at the task before them.

"One Hundred and Sixty-Five," Kellam tapped the keg and made five pours.

DRINKERS: BEGIN!

Nowi was the first to fall, spewing all over the arena with a volatile combination of undigested alcohol and dragonbreath (beer gamers the world over would describe the heave that followed as "Legendary"). Sully and Kellam dropped their cups in defeat before Magvel lost its first drinker on a spit-up from Forde.

"I can keep doing this all day, bitches!" Severa taunted the other team and kept knocking em' back. "You still with me, old man?"

"As they say in Mother Russia: Let Us Drink Until the Alcohol in Our Systems Destroys our Liver and Kills Us!" Gregor totally didn't steal that line from Seth MacFarlane.

Tana, Cormag, and Ross dropped before Gregor hit his limit.

"Ya can't outdrink me, lass!" Moulder showed no signs of slowing down when it was just him versus Severa.

"I can outdrink anyone, anywhere, anytime!" Severa redoubled her efforts.

"Spoken like an awful feckin' gobshite! I have not yet begin to drink, yeh wee fire-crotch!" Moulder picked up a second beer and proceeded to chug two-at-a-time; one beneath each half of mustache.

Severa attempted to go shot-for-shot. This of course was impossible; one does not simply go shot-for-shot against Moulder. (He is in fact some kind of Irish Super-Priest)

WINNER: TEAM MAGVEL

Ylisse lost its redemption round to Elibe in a (messy) Round #1 forfeiture, ending the Beer Olympics where they began...

ELIBE vs. MAGVEL: CHAMPIONSHIP REMATCH

"Another Betty fixin' to beat me at the game of drink," Moulder was surprised to find it was not Hector, but Farina, who challenged him. "Its rainin' chancers today!"

"There are two things you should know before I kick your ass," Farina tightened her headband. "Hector is hung like a horse, and the throat muscles you use to chug are the same muscles that you use to…"

DRINKERS: BEGIN!

Farina took the round. Handily.

After that Elibe again lost to the dominance of Tana and Cormag in Beer Pong and failed to outperform Forde and Ross in the Beer Marathon. But with Farina's win they made it to Flip-Cup, which they won, which brought the finals to…

ROUND #5: Keg Race.

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE, PRIEST!" Hector mooned Team Magvel and made a kiss the fattest part of my ass gesture.

Team Elibe was thirsty for the win, and there was one man who they saw standing in their way.

"You dare turn your cheeks against the Royal House of Frelia!?" Tana huffed.

"I'LL SHIT ON THE ROYAL HOUSE OF FRELIA!" Hector didn't give a FUCK.

DRINKERS: BEGIN!

Matthew and Serra illustrated the meaning of Drinks Like an Ostian with an impressive display of fortitude that saw Cormag, Tana, and Forde felled before either of them went down.

Drinks like a man-whore may not ring quite so praiseworthy, but Sain held his own long after the aforementioned drinkers expired.

When Ross spewed and Sain collapsed in a heap of drunken gibberish, it was only Moulder versus Hector and Farina.

"Give it up, ya manky pissflaps!" Moulder chugged with reckless abandon. "Go home; your drunk!"

"Oh hell-the-fuck-no!" Farina finished her beer, placed her mouth on the tap, and siphoned beer straight out of the keg while Hector held her feet in the air.

"Keg Stand! Keg Stand! Keg Stand!" Eliwood and Co. cheer from the sidelines.

Moulder put forth a valiant effort, but even his mightiest of mustache powers could not stop the dynamic duo of Hector and Farina. With Moulder's fall, it was official.

WINNER: TEAM ELIBE IS CHAMPION OF BEERFEST!

Serra and Matthew and Sain were unconscious and Hector and Farina are too busy having drunk sloppy sex in the lockeroom to care.

But at some point, they will appreciate that they all won gold medals.

Author's Notes

-This chapter happened because 6 years ago, someone left a review saying "you should do a drinking contest." And last week, drunk and going through my old reviews and having just watched a movie about beer-gaming I said to myself "…this is a really good idea…"

So yeah…suggest events, and there IS an odd chance I may use them.

-I put more content into this chapter than any other, so if it isn't the lulziest one so far I fucked up. R&R to tell me the extra effort was worth it or to tell me I wasted my time.

-DO NOT DO A 5-MAN KEG RACE. EVER. 10-man minimum; you are not Moulder.

-If it feels good, do it twice.