A/N Thanks for the follows and favourites.
"Your mother always said that life never delivers anything that we can't handle" J.B.
Chapter 3
As the silver Rolls-Royce turned from dirt road onto paved in its journey home, Kate kept her eyes closed in exhaustion, a pounding headache having taken up residence in her temples with unrelenting force. Alexis already having succumbed to exhaustion, remained curled up at her side. Kate rubbed a hand over her closed lids, her eyes stinging from the grittiness of the smoke and dust particles not completely washed away in the flood of tears. Her wedding dress now felt too tight, too confining and Kate's skin itched to be relieved of its silken cage. She watched as images of Castle flashed against her closed lids. Their first meeting on the rooftop for the Storm Fall launch, her arresting him in the NY public library, the frantic tone in his voice when he had searched for her in the burning remains of her apartment after it had been blown up, them digging for buried treasure in a cemetery in the dead of night, Castle's constant witty dialogue helping to distract her from Royce's betrayal...as five years of memories flashed by she was reminded of the many facets of Richard Castle that she had grown to love.
"Ms Beckett"
"Yes Tony" She opened her eyes, squinting into the late afternoon sun.
"It's not right, not fair" The tears now clearly evident in his voice.
Kate met the eyes of the normally silent chauffeur in the rear view mirror and nodded her head softly in reply, unable to find the words to answer him. No,no it wasn't fair, but when had life ever been fair to her, to them. Her chest felt too tight from suppressed sobs and she was finding it difficult to draw in a breath, her breathing now coming in short shallow bursts that were leaving her feeling light-headed. She couldn't do this, not without him. He was the one that always drew her back from whatever precipice she was about to tumble-down, his laughter would light up her world and now all she saw was darkness and deep treacherous rabbit holes waiting to consume her. Kate's ragged breathing filled the cabin of the Rolls-Royce as she desperately sucked in air to fill her lungs, Alexis' weight on her shoulder adding to her feeling of confinement.
Kate looked out the window at the rolling green lawns punctuated by houses of every design imaginable all sliding into a mass of green blur as they sped past. Every now and then she would capture a glimpse of the distant ocean as the trees parted to reveal their hidden treasure. The sliding green landscape outside her window helped to calm her raging emotions, her breathing settling into a slow rhythm as she drew in deep breaths. Just as Kate felt once again in control of her ragged thoughts, the car turned down the long tree-lined driveway to their house. She felt the car slow and caught Tony's eye in the mirror, he was giving her time to compose herself before arriving at the house. She attempted to turn her lips up in quiet acknowledgement but the smile refused to come. Settling again for a brief nod Kate took several slow steadying breaths as the car came to a stop in front of the beach house.
"Alexis, we're home" Kate whispered as she pressed a quick kiss to the top of the girl's head.
Kate waited in the car, giving Alexis and herself time to come back to the present and the task ahead. She watched as the large white front door was flung open and Martha launched herself through it, followed quickly by her Dad and to her surprise Captain Gates, bringing up the rear at a more sedate pace. Kate nudged Alexis again, trying to wake the exhausted girl.
"Kate"
"Hey Alexis, you need to get up" She watched as the confusion of sleep quickly receded from the girl's eyes and recognition of what had happened flooded in. Her pale blues eyes welling with new tears. "Your grandmother is here"
Kate opened the car door reluctantly not ready for the outside world to invade the warm cocoon of the cabin. As she swung her legs around and settled the stilettos on the gravel driveway she got her first good look at the state of her wedding gown. A large rent was evidence in the train where her heel had punctured through it. There were large patches of dust marring the front from kneeling on the dirt road and more encrusted the hem where it had been dragged through the dust. It was ruined, yet another sign that they would never have a happy ending, she thought.
Kate grabbed the car door to steady herself as she pulled herself up, her legs briefly protesting before striding across the driveway to meet their family and give Alexis a few more minutes to wake up.
"Katherine, Oh Katherine" Martha wailed as she enveloped Kate in a bone jarring hug, surrounding her with wisps of Chanel No.5 and silk. Kate stood stiffly in Martha's embrace, wanting to relax but knowing if she did she would collapse. Sheer strength of will was the only thing keeping her upright at this moment. She stepped back, breaking the embrace to deliver the news to Martha.
"Grams" Alexis sobbed as she launched herself into her grandmother's arms. "Grams, he's gone"
"Oh God, Richard" Martha cried, her eyes meeting Kate's in a silent plea for her to contradict the girl's claims. Kate nodded her head in confirmation before breaking eye contact as tears threatened to spill over. The pounding in Kate's head intensifying, making even the setting sun too bright.
Kate watched as the two redheads burst into tears, wrapped in a tight embrace as they rocked side to side.
"Katie?" The quiet understated question in his voice in stark contrast to Martha's dramatic cry.
"Dad" Kate stepped forward into his embrace. Resting her head on his shoulder, nestling quietly in his arms like when she was little and she believed his arms could shield her from all the bad things. Kate drew from his reserved strength in an attempt to replenish her exhausted emotions. Where Castle's family were all about the words and gestures, the Becketts carried out their most significant communication in silence. Kate allowed a deep sigh to escape her, knowing she couldn't hide here forever but wishing for just a few more minutes. Drawing back she pressed a kiss to his cheek, startling him with the gesture.
"Thanks" She whispered before turning back to face her captain.
"Sir, Thank-you for everything you have done, I couldn't have left without knowing the boys and Lanie were there. It means so much to know that." Kate watched as a tear slowly made its way down the usually taciturn face of Victoria Gates.
"He is one of us, Detective. Nothing else would have been acceptable" Victoria Gates reached out and enveloped Kate's slim hand in both of hers, giving it a gentle squeeze before letting go and disappearing back into the house.
Kate turned around to find Martha and Alexis still embracing on the bottom step, each women on the verge of collapse but somehow managing to hold the other up.
"Martha, please come inside. I'll try and tell you what little I know." Gently, Kate led the older women, who seemed to have aged twenty years in a few seconds up the stone steps and into the house, allowing her Dad to take Alexis and guide her in as well. Kate noted that the flower garlands on the main staircase had been removed sometime in her absence. She carefully shepherded Martha, her Dad and Alexis into the lounge, needing to get this over with so that she could retreat to the main bedroom and finally collapse.
Kate sat down on the sofa, leaning towards Martha, their heads almost touching and in a slow steady voice she recited the facts of Rick's accident and the evidence that they had found. As Kate finished talking she realised that they had very little to go on and hoped that the boys would have more to report later. She watched as Martha sagged further and further into the sofa and felt Alexis inch herself closer into her side with each word spoken. Kate reached out and clasped the older women's hands in hers and as the words fell away she allowed the silence to wrap itself around their small family, providing some comfort.
"Katie, it's getting late. Why don't you go and change and I'll prepare everyone something to eat."
Kate looked up, catching the last of the setting sun as it dipped below the horizon through the large glass patio doors. With a nod of gratitude, Kate left Martha and Alexis with a promise to join them later and made her way to the back of the house and the master suite.
Kate avoided looking at the king bed that dominated the space, with its driftwood bed head and fireplace as she skirted around the room to the walk-in robe. Most of her clothes had been moved to the guest suite last night as she hadn't wanted to spend her last night in their bed alone, but she had left behind some workout clothes in the downstairs robe. Kate kicked off the silver heels, not caring in what direction they landed as she entered the walk-in. She reached around to slide the hidden zipper under her left arm down to release the bodice of the dress. Grasping the tag she slide it down, feeling the teeth snagged in the lace. Contorting her body Kate tried to see the zipper but it kept slipping from her grasp. She let out a small scream of frustration slapping the wooden panelling with her open palm. As the pain reverberated up her arm, Kate struck it again ignoring the bruises forming on her forearm and unaware of the tears once again streaming down her face. She continued to hit and kick out at the wood panelling, releasing some of the pent up anger she had been holding in since that phone call. With a strangled cry, Kate collapsed onto the floor of the closet finally giving in to the crashing waves of grief she had hidden from her family, Castle's name repeated over and over until her voice became hoarse.
"Kate" The whisper seeped through the cloud of despair Kate had lost herself in.
She felt a hand smooth back the hair from her clammy forehead and looked up into clear blue eyes, the right color but belonging to the wrong face. Through a thin watery veil she could make out Martha's face hovering over her with the smoother lines of Alexis' peering over her shoulder, sorrow etched into both their faces.
"Katherine darling, I can not imagine how heartbroken you are right now. This is a tragedy for us all but Richard would not want you to make yourself sick with grief."
"I failed him Martha" Kate cried looking up at the woman who would never be her mother-in-law. "He was always there protecting me, looking out for me. I lost my focus for a split second chasing down an ex-husband I don't remember marrying and never loved and whilst I was distracted he was taken away from me"
"Katherine Beckett you did no such thing. I have watched my son find the perfect partner after many missteps and I have seen how that relationship has made him into the best possible man he could be. Never doubt the love he had for you or that he didn't daily rejoice in your love for him. He loved you, all of you just as you are"
"Stand up Katherine" Martha demanded, using her stern mother voice to get the younger girl to her feet. "Turn round, Darling"
Kate stood silent as Martha and Alexis fixed the zipper of her gown and helped her out of it. Stepping out from it's taffeta and silk skirts, Kate felt like she could take a breath for the first time that day. She accepted the leggings and shirt that Alexis had gathered for her and walked into the bathroom to change, stopping briefly to whisper a thank-you to Martha as she bent down and laid her cheek gently against the older woman's.
Kate changed quickly into her workout clothes, then vigorously pulled the pins from her hair that had kept her curls in check and captured the loose strands back into a tight ponytail. She ferociously scrubbed her makeup off taking with it the grime from the accident scene as well. Finally daring to look into the mirror Kate was surprised at the lack of changes she saw, except for the dark smudges under each eye there was no physical marker to her overwhelming grief. Her eyes were drawn to the beautiful sapphire and diamond earrings dangling from her ears, Kate closed them allowing herself to be drawn back to this morning when Martha had gifted them to her.
"They were given to me by my mother to wear on my wedding day and by her mother before. Only women of substance have worn these gems, they've been waiting Katherine, ...for you." Looking into the mirror at the woman standing behind her, Kate had realised that she did in fact have a mother with her on this momentous day. Her own mother would have loved this new family Kate was gaining.
Refusing to shed anymore tears today as she added another loss to her growing tally, Kate quickly removed the precious gems from her ears and placed them on the table. Leaning forward to peer into the green eyes reflected back at her in the mirror, she calmed her raging heart and put back on her poker face so that she could go out and face their family.
Kate tucked the still warm earrings into her fist and exited the bathroom to find Martha and Alexis replacing the now ruined wedding dress into a garment bag.
"You didn't have to do that"
"I know dear but your mother obviously took such wonderful care of it hoping that someday you might wear it and I think we should honor her by doing the same" Martha stated "You made a beautiful bride today Katherine, she would have been proud."
"I'll arrange to get it dry cleaned and repaired" Alexis added as she accepted the closed garment bag from her grandmother and gently folded it over her arm.
"Thank-you both. You lost him too but here you are tending to me, I am awed at your strength and love." Kate remarked as she sat down on the foot of the bed.
"It's what he would have wanted. Dad loved all three of us very much and he would want us to be there for each other" Alexis walked over and sat down beside Kate, the garment bag making a crinkling sound in the silent room.
Kate smiled softly up at Martha as Alexis leaned into her. She placed her arm around the girl as she patted the spare space next to her in an invitation for Martha to sit.
"I want you to have these back Martha" Kate said softly as she held the earrings in her outstretched hand. "I don't feel right taking them anymore"
"No Darling, they are yours. We may be an unlikely mother and daughter but nether-the-less today we are a mother and daughter, despite our great loss and they will remain yours until you give them to Alexis on her wedding day." The older women gently closed Kate's hand around the gems, running her slim fingers over her fist in a soothing motion. "We are all women of substance Katherine and we will get through this, somehow but we will remain a family for always." Tears now freely running down Martha's face, her blue eyes that she had gifted to her son, shimmering as she reached across to gently cup first Alexis' cheek then Kate's.
"But now I think it's time that Alexis and I departed to allow you some time to yourself. We will be downstairs with your father when you're ready to rejoin us, my dear" With a flourish worthy of any actress, Martha kissed Kate and gathered a still teary Alexis in her arms and left.
As the door to the suite slid closed with a soft click, Kate turned and dragged her exhausted body up the bed until her head hit Castle's pillow. Turning she inhaled deeply hoping to catch his unique scent still lingering on the bedclothes instead she was met by that of spring flowers and detergent. succumbing to the daunting weight of her loss yet again, Kate felt the sobs well up and overflow, her body shaking with the force of them. The tears long having escaped Kate's rigid control tracked down her face, pooling onto the scrunched up pillow and disappearing, leaving a damp spot as the only sign of their existence. Curling up on herself, Kate allowed the tears and sobs to continue unrestricted until sheer exhaustion finally won out and she slipped into a restless sleep, the sapphire and diamond earrings still clutched in her closed fist.
Kate woke disoriented, the room dark and silent. She rolled over to reach for her cell phone to check the time but her hand met the bare surface of the bedside table. As the days events filtered across her mind, Kate wanted nothing more than to bury her head back under the covers and block out the world. Instead she switched on the bedside lamp and flung back the blanket that someone had covered her with, stepping out of the bed. Kate knew it was now time to be strong, to channel the badass detective that Castle loved. She had no intention of leaving this investigation solely in the hands of her friends and even less intention of leaving it with the Hamptons PD. Kate would find out who had caused this and make them pay. There was no rock, no hole that they could sliver into that Kate wouldn't find them. If she couldn't stand with Castle then she would stand for him.
Kate spotted the earrings lying on the bed, gathering them up she walked over to the dresser and placed them beside one of Castle's watches. She slipped one of Castle's oversized hoodies over her leggings and workout shirt, a pair of ballet flats on her feet and left the sanctuary of their room to find the others.
Slowly making her way through the bottom floor of the house, Kate listened out for sounds of activity. Someone had left all the lights blazing in the house bearing testament to the restlessness of the souls under its roof. Kate followed the quiet sounds of voices engaged in conversation to the downstairs kitchen. She entered the large kitchen to find Ryan and Jenny perched on bar stools at the island bench whilst Lanie and Esposito moved around the kitchen in perfect sync cooking up a late night snack. The LED light over the wall oven showed that it was past midnight, Kate having managed six hours of sleep. She stood silently in the doorway, observing the two couples deep in conversation. Kate saw Jenny reach across and grab Ryan's hand placing both their clasped hands in her lap as Ryan leant over and placed a kiss to the top of her blonde head. She watched as Esposito chopped peppers under the close instructions of Lanie, his large hands hacking with the knife at the vegetables, an air of reserved sadness hanging over the group.
Kate cleared her throat to announce her arrival and stepped into the warm kitchen. She watched as four pairs of eyes turned towards her like deer caught in a spot light.
"How long have you been back?" she asked
"Not long" Ryan leapt up and pulled his chair out, gesturing for Kate to sit. She shook her head, there was something else she had to do before she sat down to discuss the evidence they had managed to find. Kate knew that she needed to have this discussion but she needed a little bit more time before they jumped in.
"You sit, I have to do something...out there first" She gestured towards the back patio. "I'll come back soon and we can go over the evidence"
"Do you want us to go with you" Jenny asked
"No, no" Kate shook her head "No, this is something I need to do, alone"
"Sure, we'll be here when you're ready" Ryan reassured her.
"I..uh.. where are all the guests, I haven't seen anyone." Kate asked
"Oh Honey, Captain Gates and your Dad arranged for the buses to take them all back to the city after you came back. They didn't think you would want to deal with it."
"Oh God no. I don't know how Castle ever convinced me that I would want 297 people at our wedding. He must have been particularly convincing that day or I was just too distracted." Kate smiled briefly, remembering exactly how Castle had really persuaded her to accept his final guest list. The smile receding as quickly as it came, fleeting in its presence.
"I...um...I " Kate's words failing her, not sure how she could ever thank her friends for what they had done today.
"It's ok Beckett, we get it" Esposito said softly as Lanie came towards her and threw her arms around Kate. "He's our friend too"
Kate nodded at her friends over Lanie's head and as soon as Lanie released her she slipped away, needing to complete this last task before moving on.
Kate padded quietly through the house, not wanting to run into anyone else just yet. Opening up the large glass doors she stepped out onto the back patio. Breathing in deeply she tasted the salt on her tongue from the ocean as the warm Hamptons' breeze caressed her upturned face. In the cloudless midnight sky she could clearly make out the stars above her. Castle would always insist on sitting on the lounge chairs wrapped up in blankets and each other to gaze up at the stars on their trips here, lamenting on the lack of them in the city he loved.
But Kate hadn't come out here to gaze at the stars. Following the paved terrace around the side of the house she stopped at the top of the small set of stairs that led down onto the grassed area and the cliffs beyond. Instead of open lawn Kate was met with the sight of a sea of cane chairs, lined up along a central aisle. Kate was glad that they hadn't packed it up yet. She had never gotten to see what her wedding would have looked like, having had to leave the last-minute arrangements to Alexis and Martha when their chosen venue had fallen through and she was chasing Rogan O'Leary around Willow Creek.
Kate gazed around absorbing the small details that she and Castle had spent many a night planning, from the elegant flower arrangements, to the small row of fairy lights along the hedges and the colourful lanterns in the trees. Even in the moonlight, with the lights turned off, she could see how beautiful it would have been. Kate walked quietly down the centre aisle, imaging what it would have been like to have the seats filled with their family and friends, her Dad's arm in her's and Castle waiting impatiently in his black tuxedo at the end. She could just see the adoring smile on his face as she walked slowly towards him. Her slow even glide down the aisle in time with the music but inwardly resisting the urge to run the last feet and jump into his arms. As she reached the flower pergola where Castle would have waited for her she slowed down, lost in her own dreams. It would have been breathtaking, she realised.
"Katie" She heard her father whisper softly from somewhere in the dark. Turning she saw him seated in the front row to her right.
"Hey Dad" She watched him stand up and close the distance. "I just wanted to see it, you know, we spent months planning everything and I never did get to see it today. It was beautiful wasn't it?"
"Yes Katie it was"
"I woke up before, in our bed and for this split second I forgot. I forgot he was gone, I forgot we never got married and I forgot what it felt like not to have this heavy weight sitting on my chest, crushing my heart. And for a split second I remembered what it felt like to be happy"
"If I could have done anything in this life, it would have been to spare you this." Jim had sat alone in the darkness, thinking just this thought when Kate had appeared.
"Did I ever tell you that Castle wanted to get married in space?" Kate smiled at the memory "I told him that I had never once wished as a little girl to have a thousand tons of rocket fuel strapped to my ass on my wedding day. I would gladly strap it on myself right now" With a sigh, Kate spun slowly around taking in the whole setup before it was dismantled tomorrow.
"Your mother would have loved him Katie"
"Before or after she kicked his ass for being a jackass" Kate asked
"Oh she would have loved him anyway but she still would have kicked his ass first"
"He was her favorite author, I think she may have tried to steal him from me"
"You're probably right" Jim conceded
"I better go in" Kate squeezed his hand before reluctantly turning away to walk back up the aisle. Stopping half-way she turned back to see her father frozen in place watching her.
"You'll stay...won't you?" she pleaded.
"Of course, Katie-bug" the childhood nickname falling from his lips before he could prevent it.
"Ok...good"
Kate wrapped her arms around herself and walked back up into the house, steeling herself for what was to come.
Kate kicked off her flats and settled into the large leather armchair in Castle's study, curling her long legs under her as she waited for the others to do the same. She had managed to pull out Castle's story board to use as a murder board. On seeing the partially outlined storyline for "Hampton's Heat" Kate hadn't been able to erase it, instead she had flipped the board around, blocking it from her view until she felt capable of reading it.
"Ok Ryan, what do you have"
"Um...Beckett, do you really want to do this?" The concern evident in Ryan's voice.
"Just the facts Ryan. My gut tells me that something isn't right. We need to figure this out, so lets just start with the facts and we'll go from there."
"Ok, so we know that Castle called you from the car at 1:23pm to say that he was 20 minutes away. The Mercedes was found at 2:10pm by a witness, Kasey Turner who was walking her dog west along the same road. She didn't hear a crash or explosion before coming across the car on fire but she was listening to music through her headphones at the time." She watched as Ryan drew a timeline on the murderboard, adding in the few details that they had.
"Did she see any other car on the road?" Kate asked
"No, nor did she see anyone else on the road in the thirty minutes she had walked. When she arrived she says the car was down in the ditch and the fire was burning in the front seats. Her 911 call came through at 2.11pm, we've requested a copy of it but I doubt it will tell us anything more than what we know. I also ran a background on Kasey Turner and she's clean. She's a mother of 3, works part-time in the local nursery and is married to a teacher. No prior arrests not even a previous driving fine. She's not just clean, she squeaks." Under the witness heading, Ryan added Kasey Turner's name.
"What about the marks on the Mercedes? Something collided with Castle's car to cause those marks" Kate inquired
"So, yeah I had a closer look and it would appear the car was hit from the rear by another vehicle. I found black paint and small chips of red glass embedded in the scratches. A sample has been sent to CSU, maybe we'll get lucky with the paint sample but I wouldn't hold out hope given its black." Esposito leapt up to stand beside Ryan.
"And the skid marks?"
"Given it was a dirt road there weren't a lot of identifiable tyre treads but what there was tell a different story. By matching the treads on the Mercedes to the distinguishable marks on the road it looks like Castle's car stopped suddenly about 200 feet from the bridge then accelerated without braking, hitting the guard rail and plummeting through it. There is no sign that he attempted to brake, so either the brakes were tampered with or..." Ryan paused, hesitating to state the obvious conclusion to that sentence.
"...or he deliberately drove into that ditch?" Kate finished, she looked around at her friends, her colleagues hoping that they didn't believe that Castle would ever do this.
"NO Beckett" cried Ryan, his blue eyes widening in shock. Kate should never have doubted Ryan's belief in Castle.
"Hell, no... Beckett" Esposito said gruffly
"Honey, he would have sooner remarried Meredith than do something that would've prevented this wedding. He waited five years for you, girl any guy that waits that long isn't gonna skip out at the last minute." Lanie jumped up, her hands on her hips, taking a defensive stance to challenge anyone who doubted Castle's intention.
"Thank-you guys, I just had to hear it" Kate wiped at her eye, catching a tear before it fell.
"Well Espo and I may have more, not sure what it means but it definitely puts paid to any idea that Castle was alone on that road."
"Yeah we took a walk down that road and found the spot where Castle's car was supposed to have stopped. Not much evidence left on the road by the time we got there, the tyre marks were almost obliterated, likely Chief Brady's hapless deputies putting their overgrown feet where they shouldn't but Ryan here noticed a second set of tyre tracks, a diamond pattern not more than a foot long but not the same as the ones on the Mercedes. There was definitely a second car there. We managed to get a pretty good plaster cast which is now with CSU. Add that to the paint and glass chips and we have enough to suggest that there was another car on that road. We should have make and model by tomorrow" Esposito added a photo of the tyre tracks to the murder board.
"Oh God" Kate cried out, burying her face in her hands. Finally she had evidence that something had happened on that road to send his car plummeting into that ditch. Not nearly enough to calm her raging heart but enough to have a place to start looking. She jumped up and starting pacing back and forth, the new possibilities that this evidence suggested spinning like a colourful kaleidoscope through her mind.
"What about the car" she asked
"Uh...well the interior was completely destroyed from the flames, there wasn't any evidence that we could find that wasn't already ashes. CSU is going to go over the mechanics with a fine tooth comb and if the car was tampered with then we'll find out soon. Otherwise they are sifting through the ashes and hopefully will have something for us tomorrow. Gates has pulled more strings and managed to get overtime approved in the Boston CSU lab. Beckett this investigation is on everyone's priority list."
"The fire inspector, a Terry Michaels seems to have a little more with and experience than Chief Brady. He wouldn't give us much of an idea of what started the fire but did say he didn't think it was an explosion. Not enough damage to the car itself and no sign of an incendiary device in the wreckage. He's gonna email his official report in the morning." Ryan added
"Ok, ok...this is good, we have some leads now, or at least we will in the morning" Kate mumbled, more to herself than her friends. However hard it had been to hear about Castle's last few minutes, this next request would likely haunt her for many nights to come.
"And Lanie?" She asked, the stress already evident in her voice.
"Kate...honey, you don't really need to do this now" Kate could see the reluctance evident on Lanie's face.
"I have to Lanie, I don't get to pick and choose here. If I'm going to find the right answers then I need to know everything."
"Ok but if you need to stop, just say so. I know you Kate Beckett and you push yourself harder than anyone else I know and that's not a compliment. I saw you today at the accident scene and I don't think you're as put together now as you want us to believe."
"Lanie...please, I need to do this. If by being strong now means I will collapse when this is all over then I don't care, I have to find out what happened to Rick. I will deal with the aftermath later. If you don't have faith that I can do this as Kate then have faith I can do this as Detective Beckett."
"I believe you Kate, that's what I'm afraid of." Lanie sighed, knowing that she would never prevent Kate from doing what she believed she had to do. Not only was she stubborn but as she had proven many times with her mother's case she was self-destructive when on a quest for justice.
"Ok I have photos, because it will be easier to explain the technical points better. Are you up for this?" Lanie asked still not sure about this.
"No I'll never be ready, but we've already established that." Kate didn't want to do this, she really didn't want to do this but she would. She took a steadying breath and pushed the last of her emotions behind her newly built wall, her pacing threatening to turn into a brisk jog.
"Sit down Kate!" Lanie demanded with a sigh.
"Lanie!"
"No Kate, we do this my way. Sit down there with the boys and we'll go through them together. We do this together, no solo Bex on this one. ok?"
"Fine" Kate conceded, taking a seat on the sofa with Ryan to her right. Javi taking up his post on the arm of the sofa at her left shoulder. Lanie completed the group sitting on the other side of Beckett, pulling out her tablet and turning it on. Kate could feel the tension radiating from them all, no matter how much their jobs had trained them to handle death when it was this personal there was just no way to prepare. They would have to forge ahead and hope they came out in one piece at the end.
"So...um...there was one deceased persons found in the driver's seat, the seat belt was still in place. You can see in this picture how the metal of the seatbelt has melted into the right hip here." Lanie enlarges the picture so they can all see, her eyes straying from the tablet to Kate's face. The complete lack of emotion on Kate's face doing more to scare Lanie than a flood of tears would right now.
"This suggests that no attempt was made by...um...the person to get out of the car or that the belt was stuck and they couldn't get out." Kate heard the in drawn breath from Ryan at the implications of that information, but Kate didn't flinch. This was just another case, just another body because if she thought otherwise there was no way she could get through this. Kate heard the hesitation from Lanie and caught her eyes in a brief sideways glance, Kate gave her a slight nod granting her permission to continue.
"What about the identification?" Kate said asking about the white elephant haunting the edges of the room.
"ok so this is all just preliminary an identification you understand that right?" Lanie asked.
"Yes, Lanie just tell me" Kate pleaded
"Ok, so in this picture you can see the shape of the forehead, the deep-set eyes which suggest a caucasian male, aged between 30 and 50 years of age. The fire has made initial identification from facial features or fingerprints alone impossible. A set of dental imprints have been taken and I have already called Castle's dentist, Martha gave me her details and we should be able to confirm identification as sometime tomorrow. But his height was about 6'2" and he was wearing black dress shoes so with the facial features it fits Castle's general description. I'm sorry Kate." Kate shuddered as the last of her hope slowly dwindled away, finally admitting to herself that she had hoped that this wasn't Castle. That he had managed to get out, that he had never been in the car when it crashed, that he had been abducted by aliens, anything but more evidence that put Castle in that burnt out car.
"Brendan Coyle is the ME working this case, he seems young but diligent and eager to please so I don't think we should have any issue getting any information we need from him. He's asked me to assist with the autopsy tomorrow, well today." Lanie explained watching as Kate flipped through the rest of the photos. Lanie's concern grew as the more detailed of the photos failed to draw any emotion from the other woman. She has been present when Kate had tumbled down the rabbit hole of her mother's case and Lanie knew she was ready to take that slide again.
"Kate?"
"Just give me a minute, Lanie" Kate handed back the tablet, dropping it into Lanie's lap not wanting to have anything more to do with it. She leapt up from the sofa to fling open the glass patio doors and step out into the pre-dawn night. She let out a low moan as her tight hold on her emotions failed and they flooded out like a burst dam.
"Kate?"
"Not now, Javi" She pleaded, using the last of her strength to keep herself upright.
Kate closed her eyes against the unrelenting flow of tears. She had honestly believed that she could be detached, that this could be just another day in her job but she wasn't detached and this wasn't just another job, this was Castle. Kate wanted today to rewind, no what she really wanted was the last three days to rewind. She wanted to be the person she had been in the precinct 72 hours ago, carefree and giddy, walking out arm in arm with her fiancé, about to get married and spend the next three weeks on a tropical honeymoon. She wanted that amazing future back, she wanted to erase Lanie's pictures from her memory but really she just wanted Castle back. Kate felt Esposito's strong arms come around her and draw her back against his chest. She tried to evade his grasp but he just held on and waited till her struggles stopped and she slumped against him.
"You don't have to be tough around us Beckett. Yell, scream or cry, just don't hold it back trying to be strong because it will destroy you, it will eat away at you until you might resemble the Beckett we know but you'll just be a living ghost. I have been there with some of my army buddies and I won't allow you to do it" Esposito turned Kate in his arms, tilting her chin up so that he could look into her green eyes. "You want to yell, I'll be there; you want to scream, I'll be there, you want to cry, I'll be there, you want silence and I'll be there. Never doubt that Kate."
"Us too, Kate" She watched as Ryan and Lanie joined them on the patio.
"I suppose I don't have a choice" She smiled through her tears, her sobs having quieted.
"Nope, no choice" Lanie stated
"Ok...fine, we'll try it your way." Kate conceded, giving Espo a quick hug before stepping away, wiping the tears from her eyes but not entirely capable of wiping those images from her mind. No matter what her friends believed Kate knew she needed to hide behind her badge right now otherwise she was scared she would fall apart and never be sane again.
"Knew you would see it my way" Espo attempts a sad smile.
"We done here? Then lets go back in and have another look at that timeline" Kate suggested, ready to start moving forward with this investigation, her mask firmly back in place.
"Does anyone else not like this timeline?" She asked as they wandered back into the study.
"What do you mean?" Ryan asked
"What happened in the missing thirty or so minutes?" Kate pointed to the gap in their timeline.
"Castle phoned me at 1.23pm but the car was found alight at 2.10pm. According to our witness the fire was established but had only engulfed the front seats when she discovered it. Castle car's was found just a 10 minute drive away so he should have reached that location by 1.33pm give or take a few minutes. The fire would have burnt itself out if it had burned for 37 minutes as this timeline suggests." Kate explained reaching up to draw a red circle through the missing time period on the murderboard. She placed a large question mark inside the circle.
"This...This is where we start" Kate jabbed the red question mark. "We find those missing 30 minutes and we find out what happened. Espo, you and Ryan canvas the local houses tomorrow, these big homes all have security cameras maybe a few caught Castle's and the mystery black car as they drove past."
"Yes Boss" Esposito and Ryan both agreed
"Lanie, I need you there tomorrow with the ME. I really can't be in that room so I need you to do it for me"
"Honey, of course."
"Brady and his team of deputies are really out of their depths with this investigation. Sometimes the initial evidence isn't the whole story, Castle knew that and we all know that's the case here. I can never thank you enough for doing this, I know its asking so much of your friendship but I need you guys." Kate suspected that today and the ones coming would challenge her friends and herself far more than they ever had been.
"Did you think we would be anywhere else but here, girl" Lanie demanded, halting Kate's frantic pacing across the room.
"No, I'm just not sure I can ever truly repay you for this" Kate whispered
"Beckett, he's one of us. This is something we need to do, for us as well as for Castle and you" Ryan explained
Kate bid everyone goodnight as she left the study to head back to bed, not that she was sleepy but she was tired of maintaining a facade that she was anything but destroyed by the events of yesterday. She watched as Kevin left to find Jenny, who was attempting to settle a restless Sarah-Grace, the baby having picked up the tensions in her parents tonight and was now refusing to sleep. Kate watched as Esposito clasped Lanie's hand and tugged her in the direction of his bedroom. Kate sighed, wishing that they would stop denying what everyone else saw and not miss out on the opportunities of a future together, before it was too late.
She stopped into the lounge and grabbed a bottle of Castle's best scotch from the bar. Tucking the bottle under her arm she wove her way through the dimly lit corridors to the master suite. Kate bypassed the bed and headed out to the small private patio just off the bedroom. She shivered a little bit in the cool early morning air and pulled the hoodie closer around her. Reclining back into the comfortable lounge chair Kate poured a generous splash of scotch and turned her face up to the starry sky. She listened to the quiet sounds of the house settling around her and the distant sounds of water lapping on the shore below. Kate sipped the scotch, welcoming the burn as she swallowed and replayed the new evidence over and over. They had a mystery black car and thirty missing minutes, not much in the way of clues but it was something.
Kate allowed her salty tears to spill over and slip down her face unheeded as she took another sip of scotch, the burn in her throat matching that in her heart. She closed her eyes and imagined the warmth of Castle's hand as he caressed her face a stark contrast to the cool night air. Kate could picture him tugging her forward before slipping behind her on the lounge chair, his chest against her back as he wrapped his hand around her's and brought the scotch glass to his lips. His other hand reaching out to link with hers, the matching wedding bands lying side by side as she nestled their interlocked hands in her lap. Kate replaced the scenes of the last 14 hours with new ones, with the images that her heart craved and she drifted off into a restless sleep, consumed with dreams of Castle.
She woke with a jolt, the residue of her dreams evaporating quickly from her sleep-deprivated brain. Fleeting images of fog drenched woods, chilling winter air slicing painfully through wet clothing and a deeply ingrained fear of the death that was stalking her in those isolated woods ghosted away as she became away of the warmth of the morning sun hitting her. Castle's name escaping her lips in a breathless cry as she remembered where she was.
Kate unfolded her stiff legs from the lounge chair, careful not to step on the shattered scotch glass on the ground. Walking inside she headed to the bathroom, needing to shower to erase the last of the sleep away so that she could prepare for what the day ahead would bring.
Slipping her engagement ring off her finger and placing it carefully on the basin she stared into the mirror. The red rimmed eyes and black smudges under her eyes making the green of her pupils more prominent.
"You can do this. You will get through today " She instructed herself, hoping that by saying it out loud it might actually happen.
Stripping off the hoodie and leggings she stepped into the large shower recess. Turning on the cold water she welcomed the sharp pins of pain as the spray hit her, shocking her to full awareness. Kate warmed up the water once she felt herself wake up fully and lathered up quickly, a restless feeling starting to replace the heavy sleepiness she had woken up with. Kate needed to get out of this house, she needed some fresh air to think. Making a snap decision she climbed out of the shower and dried off before changing into fresh workout clothes. Replacing her engagement ring gently on her finger, she ran a reverent finger over the diamond centre piece. Kate picked up her cell phone after digging around in the closet looking for the joggers she had left here on their last weekend away together.
Kate jogged down the steps, stopping in the kitchen to leave a quick note for her family on the island bench before escaping out the front door and taking off down the tree-lined driveway at a fast pace. Kate had always used exercise to clear her head and had even managed to pull Castle out of his warm bed on many a cold morning to run with her through the winding paths of Central Park. She had always jogged alone before Castle, enjoying the solitude and the chance to pick apart whatever case she was working on without interruption, but since that day she knocked on Castle's door dripping wet, the need for solitude had been replaced almost entirely with a craving for a certain writer's company.
But today Kate had all the solitude her old self would have craved, with none of the peace. Her pounding heart keeping pace with the sound of her feet hitting the ground as she attempted to run from the demon that was sitting on her shoulder, blaming her for Castle's accident. If she had only told him how she felt earlier, if she hadn't run from her feelings, if she hadn't lied then maybe he would still be here. The wasted years coming back to haunt her now that her future had disappeared just when she had started to believe that they might have one.
Kate jogged down country lane after country lane, weaving through the back roads of the Hamptons without any particular destination in mind, just needing to escape the air of grief that had settled over the house. She could feel the burn in her calves, the hitch in her breath as she pushed herself on, subconsciously punishing herself for losing him as if her conscious mind had somehow permitted this terrible thing to happen. However irrational the thought, Kate couldn't help the feeling that she was the cause for Castle's accident.
Starting to feel the exhaustion set in she back tracked trying to find her way back to the house. Stumbling around a corner, her legs threatening to give way underneath her she was startled to find herself back on the road leading to the bridge. Slowing down to a walk Kate was about to spin around after noticing the yellow police tape flapping in the breeze over the damaged guard rail, when a glint reflecting in the morning sun caught her eye. Stepping off the dirt road she wandered onto the grass verge, searching for the piece of metal that had caught her eye. Plunging her hand in the long grass she felt her finger tips brush against something smooth and cool.
Jumping to her feet, Kate weaved as a wave of light-headedness hit her. Steadying herself she looked at the object in her hand and felt her while body quake and shudder. Kate had been present just last week when her Dad presented the matching pair of cuff links to Castle. She remembered the look of surprise on her fiance's face when Jim Beckett had explained that Johanna had given them to him on his wedding day and he wanted Castle to have them. Kate had teased him later about the tears in his eyes as he stammered out a less than eloquent thank you definitely not worthy of his somewhat famous writer status. Castle had then gone on to tell her that he had once explained to Alexis that he had never missed having a father because he didn't know what it felt like but that maybe now he could. Now a solitary cuff link with the intertwined J's engraved on its surface was lying on the side of a dirt road, at least 200 feet from where Castle's car had been found. The only way that could be possible was if Castle had gotten out of the car at some point before it accelerated towards the bridge.
The implications were spinning through Kate's head as she gazed up and down the dirt road. Why would he get out of the car? Did he drop the cuff link on purpose or had it been lost during a struggle with someone, maybe the person in the mysterious black car? The vibration of her ringing cell phone finally penetrated the jumble of thoughts in her mind and Kate looked down to see Lanie's face peering back at her from the screen.
"Beckett"
"Kate, oh my god Kate!" The shaking in Lanie's voice causing her words to come stuttering out.
"Lanie, what's wrong" Kate asked as she slipped the silver cuff link into her pocket. The distress in Lanie's voice pushing all thoughts of the new mystery from her head. "Martha? Alexis? My Dad?"
"No Kate, everyone is fine and back at the house. I'm at the lab, Kate"
"Oh...right" Kate held her breath not sure she was ready for Lanie to wrench away the last remaining seed of irrational hope that she had buried deep in her heart.
"Honey, listen! Did Castle ever mention breaking his left collar bone"
"No I don't think so. As far as I'm aware the only bone he ever broke was his right knee cap last year when we went skiing. Remember he was still on crutches at his birthday party" Her confusion at Lanie's question evident in her voice.
"God, Kate. It's not him!" Lanie cried
"What...Lanie!"
"Kate, the body we pulled from Castle's car has a broken left collar bone which was surgically repaired with a metal plate. Both his knee caps are intact with no signs of a previous fracture. Kate, this body can't be Castle!" Lanie exclaimed
Kate's legs crumpled beneath her as she fell to the ground, her cell phone falling from her limp fingers as Lanie's words sank it. Kate could hear the distant shouting of her name by her friend but couldn't respond as her whole body shook with emotion as she finally gave in to the feelings she had suppressed. For the first time in almost 24 hours she could breathe. Kate couldn't yet process the full ramifications of Lanie's revelation as she was consumed with the knowledge that maybe Castle was alive somewhere and maybe they could beat the odds and have the happy ending that all great love stories deserved. The yesterday wasn't their ending, Kate would find Castle and she would make sure that they had a future, together.