FINE, I admit I don't own any of it! Well maybe my twisted plot and some own characters.

I did try posting this a few days before but was down for couple days so it delayed a bit. I only dread of all the alerts I missed because of it… I do hope also other writers realized what was up to at the moment. I do admit it gave me a few boring days when no new chapter alerts came to my mail : )

I'm real sorry for the cliffy I gave to you… no I'm not! I honestly think that every writer should do them even once in their stories! I do know other side of the coin too : ) so I won't do them too often. I'd like to thank my wonderful betareader Sherry for wonderful job done to my fic! She's really trying to shine my writing in English : ) Now I except you're all awaiting what did I do after my tragedy ending of last chappy, go ahead and read(and review).

Chapter 15

Severus had been sniffling there for an hour or so when he subconsciously started to search for his knive. His mind was still elsewhere when he found what he was looking for but hands knew what to do without his mind's help. The only differently was that now that he wasn't concentrating on what he was doing he didn't know exactly how deep the gash was. It took him some time to pull away from his thoughts and when he looked at his hand he gulped.

He certainly hadn't meant to cut that deep. His hand was bleeding freely and even fairly rapidly at that. He cursed his thoughtlessness and just stared at his bleeding arm as his mind tried to decide if he should let it bleed or not….

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Severus gulped as he realized how mortal the gash was. And knew that it would get worse if he didn't do something soon. Somewhere behind the thought was a small voice was trying to convince him how easy it would be to just let it be…and finish it all. It was kinda making sense and he was actually contemplating what would happen if he actually did that. On the other hand he realized that his dad really needed him especially after how much he had suffered after losing his mother. He knew his dad still loved him…he was just too depressed to actually show it that often lately. He would be practically taking his dad with him and he would never do that. His dad had lost enough without any more grief. He felt guilty for even thinking about suicide but all the ifs, ands, and buts were trying to convince him it was simpler this way.

Hesitantly he pressed his sleeve to the bleeding arm and started to stanch the flow of blood. He couldn't deny that the thought of letting it bleed again was in his mind but not as strong. He thought of his dad as he stared at his arm trying to convince himself that he really wanted the bleeding to stop. Eventually it did and he washed his arm and sleeve of most of the blood in the lake. He did that so no one would realize what had happened. As he glanced behind himself he groaned…he would have to clean up the ground as well. If anyone found all that blood…it would bring nothing good. He succeeded cleaning up his spot and was glad he finished when he did. He saw someone walking across the lawn. Severus hid behind the rocks and just stared at the lapping water and tried to calm down and breath slowly. The accident had been quite scary and after contemplating a few minutes he made up his mind and threw his knife as far into the lake as he could. He couldn't afford another mistake like that ever again!

Lucius was looking at the parchment in front of him. He knew he probably shouldn't write this letter but no one at school would ever know that he wrote it. He had trusted the things he had written to his grandpa. And knew that his trust would never be broken. Besides he really was a smart guy for one hundred. As he stared at the letter that only contained the greeting so far he contemplated what to tell his grandpa. How much could he dare tell? He started to write hesitantly at first but the longer he wrote the surer he was about what he wanted and needed to say. After some time he decided that the letter was ready and read it through one more time just to be sure it had everything he wanted to say.

Dear grandpa!

I thought to write to you just a bit about how my schooling has gone so far! As you and my dad I got sorted into Slytherin! Things are going fine in school. Classes are going just fine as far as I can tell. Unfortunately I fell ill for a couple of days but my friend was helping me to stay up to date on what we were doing in classes while I was ill. I've made a few friends so far and can you believe it; I WAS JUST TALKING TO ANTONIO DOLOHOW FOR HALF AN HOUR EARLIER TODAY! It was incredible and he was a fine guy despite everything I've heard about his family! He was nothing like what I was expecting! Nothing like he was at the dinners at our house when my dad was keeping his business dinners! He didn't remember me but that's not really a miracle as they came to our house rarely and then it was for formal dinners. However he's actually a pretty cool guy and nicer that I ever thought. Maybe we'll become friends…it would be cool!

I was intending to ask for your knowledge about one matter you are always so smart about everything! The friend that was keeping me updated on homework and classes…he isn't quite like everyone else. He's he lost his mother when he was still young and I think he and his father might have taken it quite badly. Some muggle man killed his mother. Dad was so right about muggles all the time! However it cannot be the reason that he is shunning away from every tiny bit of attention. He spoke so hesitantly about his earlier school years He wasn't very popular but can it really affect him that much? He told me they shunned him and hardly anyone spoke to him and they picked on him when the teachers weren't looking. He got real upset about the matter when we were speaking…I just…this place isn't like his earlier school if you aren't counting a couple of idiots from Gryffindor. My point is he should know this is different here but he isn't acting like that. He hates getting any attention in class and he's really shy around a large group of people. Not to mention that he takes some small things far too seriously thought they mean nothing really…he still gets upset over them. He won't believe that sticking out to the teacher in class is good He tries to stay in the background but he seems to shine in classes as he's doing so well. Also one thing…he had severe bruising on his back from before coming here and he got real angry when I asked about them; not to mention that he refused to go to the hospital wing no matter what. Some Gryffindors are being hard on him all the time but he won't tell the teachers it's as if he thought he had to survive it all on his own. I think it was like that in his other school but I just wondered why he just couldn't move on and shake it all off now…That's Hogwarts after all! He was so careful even around me at first for Merlin's sake. I think he's finally accepting my company now but he won't relax if there is anyone else around. Grandpa, what should I do? I'd like to help him somehow but I don't know how…if I try reasoning with him on anything he only gets upset and runs away. I don't know if that is because of mother's death or if it's really that bad if you are teased at school? He should be happy to be away from there and finally be able to relax is what I think. Maybe you can enlighten me somehow…you know so much about everything. I'd appreciate you help in this matter!

And I really like it here at Hogwarts, I understand now what you were telling me about this place from when you attended. It is just as amazing as you told me!

Regards: Your grandson Lucius Malfoy!

He read his letter through and smiled broadly. He would trust even his life with his grandpa and no one else would ever know that he ever told. Not to mention that his grandpa would never know about whom he was speaking about. And Severus…he had better post the letter soon. He went to the owlery to find his own hawk, of course being a Malfoy gave his the right to bring a pet other than that of a cat, rat, frog or owl.

"Come on Azure, I have something for you to deliver! Here you are, Good Girl! Give me your leg please, I have a letter for my grandpa! Now please go and get this letter to him! Let no one see it but my grandpa!"

He left the owlery trying to think that he had not done wronged Severus by telling about his friend's life. It was just his grandpa! He succeeded in convincing himself that he had done the right thing and that soon he would get some advice on how to act or what to do about Severus. It was about time for dinner so he headed to the Great Hall hoping that he could reach Severus there finally.

However he didn't find Severus there as he was hoping for. They would have half an hour for dinner and he really wondered why Severus wasn't there already. He went looking in the few places he knew Severus spent time and eventually went to the lake.

As he reached the place he could see at first glance that something was off. Severus was just staring at the lake almost as white as a ghost and he would glance up once in a while to his arm. The reaction he got out of Severus as he greeted him was totally unexpected. His dark eyes shone clear alarm for a moment before he schooled his expression. Lucius ended up just stuttering that it was dinnertime as surprisingly Severus nodded and rose up in that instant. For some reason he could see Severus sway for just a second before he started across the lawn. He had no idea why that his alarm bells began to ring and he wondered what the hell had happened. However Severus was not looking to see if he was following but hurried up to the castle. Lucius had to resort to running to catch up with Severus who finally slowed down to wait for him as he reached the castle. Lucius tried to catch his breath as the went through the door. Severus wasn't looking that great but he was almost afraid to ask what the problem was. He decided to just wait and see if he could actually tell the reason. He tried to joke on the matter to see if it would help.

"Did you see a Grim somewhere? You practically flew to the castle. Not to mention how pale you are…

He got certainly brisk answer to that as Severus snapped at him.

"Says who? Your face is all red and you are holding your side as if it was hurting!"

"Um…" Yup, Severus really belonged in slytherin. Lucius decided to drop the subject with that and just proceeded to go to the great hall for dinner. It was a miracle but Severus actually followed him still looking a bit pale. It was a very quiet dinner because if he tried to say anything to Severus he would just snap back spitefully.

Severus was quite startled when Lucius came up to him but dutifully schooled his expression not to show any of his feelings. He did his best to cover it and unfortunately his best weapon was to let his bitterness overcome it all. He knew it was unfair to dump his bad mood on Lucius but he couldn't help it and being honest he wasn't thinking too straight at the moment. Deep inside he was thanking the gods that Lucius didn't come out any earlier. However he didn't want to stay there any longer. He didn't exactly run to the castle but his hurried steps weren't slow either. He knew Lucius had to run to just stay behind him but he didn't care at the moment. Even after they went inside he was on the verge of yelling at someone and Lucius happened to be the only one around so he snapped at him whenever he said anything to him. Deep inside he knew he was wrong but he couldn't help himself.

Half an hour later he was beginning to calm down and as soon as the hatred left him something else filled its place; guilt. As he thought about what he said in anger he turned to pale again but for a different reason. Later when they were studding in the Slytherin lounge he glanced at his friend. Or more like they were both concentrating on their books without really being able to concentrate on anything. Lucius had learnt his lesson quickly and didn't try to speak. He knew better to wait for his friend to calm down first.

It too a good fifteen minutes more of Severus just pretending to read his book with his hands shaking before he finally called out Lucius' name weakly. He was ashamed of himself at the moment for acting as he did. Lucius glanced up and answered his look curiously and it seemed to him as if his friend finally calmed down.

Severus really wondered if he had imagined the calculating expression on his friend's face but the guilt he felt was building up inside him so he just pushed his suspicions down and shook his head and walk up to his friend. It took every bit of his courage for Severus to tell Lucius what he was yearning to tell. He couldn't really look at his friend in the eyes but he sat down on the chair near the fireplace and spoke as he glazed into the fire.

"Lucius…I'm really sorry for snapping at you. I was…I was just so…I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it…" he glanced at Lucius to check how he was taking it and saw that Lucius' expression was slightly annoyed.

"Look, it's fine!" with on look Lucius noticed that it wasn't nearly enough to convince the mulish boy so he went on. "I really don't mind you ranting at me. I knew you were just in a bad mood and that is an excusable reason. It's like anyone else wouldn't do it if in a bad mood. Besides it's more irritating that you feel that you should apologize to me all the time." Severus didn't agree.

"No, it was not you I was angry at so it's not an excusable reason to me. Still I was snapping at you like some fool." Lucius just shook his head and shot a warning glare.

"No, stop blaming yourself. See no harm done! Just believe me, okay! And don't try to dissuade me from that opinion, it wont' work." Severus finally became quiet and smiled at Lucius meekly.

"Okay…if you're really sure. Well, thanks for forgiving me. I really didn't mean it." Lucius just shook his head again but let it go. How hard can it be to believe that you didn't do anything wrong, Lucius thought.

They were just finishing their class assignments for the coming week and honestly it was more than Lucius behind with the home work as Severus was perfecting his almost ready essays. Lucius found his friend really helpful with these and as he heard that Severus didn't have to do many essays because he had done them in class, Lucius whistled. Then he dryly commented that maybe his friend would almost be read to do the teacher's job. Severus just shot him his 'death glare' and didn't' say anything to Lucius for sometime. However five minutes later things were already forgotten as he explained something Lucius had done wrong in his essay.

Hours later everyone was asleep except Severus. He was drawn back to the lake in his mind as he stared at the deep gash on his arm. He wanted to believe that he didn't wish it had kept bleeding but the truth irked him greatly. He felt guilty for thinking of ending his life but at the same time he longed for the peace he would get from it. Sure he had been cutting himself for some time but he had never cut that deep. He found it quite scary that he had hesitated in stopping the bleeding earlier today. Was he really that desperate that he wanted to end it all? Life had been terrible for him but killing himself only would have shown how badly they got to him and that was last he wanted. He just hoped that his dad would stop drinking and start behaving as he used to. Even their last words before he left for Hogwarts were cold and forced and his dad told him to behave himself. Severus only wanted his 'old dad' back.

He was on the verge of tears when he remembered to cast a silencing spell around his bed. It and the knowledge of everyone sleeping around him allowed him to finally give into the pressure and he began to cry. He curled up into a fetal position and hugged his knees as he took some comfort from finally allowing himself to cry. For half an hour he just sat there and cried over all the misery in his life. After that he removed the silencing spell and allowed himself to fall into a peaceful sleep after his bout of tears.

Morning came and Severus felt very apprehensive about he coming classes. He didn't have an appetite so he sat there pushing his food around in his plate. He really disliked going to classes and being exposed to unwanted attention. He really missed the weekend now that it was over again. He just wanted to stay away from everyone but life wasn't all beer and skittles. Everyone had to do their duties no matter if it was enjoyable or not. If that wasn't enough then Lucius was again annoying him with his chitchat and he wasn't in the mood to go along with it. He was half-annoyed and half-grateful to Lucius for hanging around him. Not that he actually admit it aloud. He was mostly annoyed because he really wasn't in the mood for talking but Lucius just kept on talking and talking. After an excruciating long breakfast they headed for the Dark Arts classroom.

When they got to the class he shrank down and tried to become as invisible as possible. Lucius just sighed seeing that but made no further comment. Some people were still whispering to each other as the professor hadn't arrived yet and it was like Severus believed they were all talking about him by the way they were avoiding looking at him. Lucius wished he could say something to Severus but the teacher came in. Lucius saw his friend's relief when Mrs. Longbottom appeared at the door and closed it with a switch of her wand. The class groaned when she requested the essay on what they had learned the prior week. The teacher began by asking questions from different students and occasionally she lapsed into lecture mode. They were mostly taking noted during this lesson and Severus had been only one of the few in Slytherin whom succeeded in answering the question Professor Longbottom asked. There were others who answered right but they were in Ravenclaw so it wasn't so miraculous. Severus turned bright read as he had been awarded three points for his correct answers. Lucius was astonished when he noticed a few annoyed glances directed at his friend. He got slightly mad at the few who did it. Whether they meant it or not they were surely making Severus feel very uncomfortable. It wasn't like Severus meant to be some snot but he was just naturally smart without putting much of an effort into it. He was clear that he wasn't trying to get the attention.

After class they had History of Magic and after he had totally dropped trying to listen he grabbed some paper and scratched a small note for Severus knowing that Mrs. Binns wouldn't ever know…at least one good point about having history class like that.

'Hey, would you like to talk. I'm certain she won't notice anything if we pass messages back and forth to each other. Not to mention how clear it is that the other students are just drowsing.'

'Yeah, why not. She's totally tedious and I really wonder why they don't replace her with somebody… at least living.'

'That's a Home Run! Honestly she hardly notices that there are any students around and just lectures on and on without glancing up once.'

'Too true, one good thing is that…(Severus smeared what he had written not wanting to finish his train of thought and continued) there's really not that much to do in this class and we can skive off from the studying. Care to play hangman?'

'What on earth that is?'

'Ahh, that's quite a nice muggle game. Let me show you how it's played.'

So Severus taught Lucius the rules of the game and before they noticed they were deep into the word game. They played the class through and though they sometimes did get hanged most of the time they guessed the right word after Lucius had grasped how the game was played. After the class was over they started to head for lunch

First off, Thanks greatly for you Kendra and Alohabraken! I don't know if I would have got my story that far without your help in form of reviews : ). Reviews really are fuel for us writers and I'm not any exception with that. You see now I didn't end that with cliffie : ), just innocent hangman game! And he did not only survive… he also threw his knife away! I'm kinda good at making my characters to suffer but really letting them die… only if I don't like the character! I would have no problems letting James to die as example… not that I like Black that much either. Wormtail I see as shy weak-minded boy who is wanting to stay popular by shadowing the stronger character in their house. Lupin… only god knows why he did choose to stay with them in first place. I still think he was fine though he was afraid of making anything about his friend's behaving. I'll take Lupin along to my story eventually but not just yet. Even then I don't think he's going to be overly bully as he isn't that even in Snape's worst memory. Gawking at myself… here I find myself just rambling on when you should be writing me your review! Go, go and review my story! It really helps with getting into writing mood when I know that my text is read! (hint hint)