The Sky Is Awake

XIV. Something Crazy

The first time Anna brought afternoon tea to the office, she dropped everything.

Of course, nothing would have happened if Elsa hadn't suddenly opened the door and caught her pacing outside because oh God, was she being an annoying little sister? And then there were sandwiches sliding, tea sloshing and teapots careening–

But Elsa caught it. The teapot. And the rest, steadying the tray in Anna's hands. Then they did that thing again – that thing where the two of them just held their breath and stared at each other, not knowing what to say after the last time.

Which, of course, was cue for Kai to come around the corner. "Is everything all right?"

Elsa quickly let go of the tray, clasping her hands.

Anna almost dropped everything again. She righted herself in time and whirled to meet Kai's knowing smile, breathless. "Oh– yeah. Everything's perfect – well actually, it wasn't two seconds ago because tea would've stained– oh wait, tea."

Clearing her throat, she turned back at Elsa. "Um, Alfred told me to bring tea. For you."

Elsa cocked her head. "Earl Grey?"

Anna blinked. "I, uh… think it looks brown?"

Kai suppressed a laugh. The corners of Elsa's lips quirked.

"What?" Anna asked blankly.

Elsa just shook her head and held the door open. Anna gave her a suspicious look, then shrugged it off because at least Elsa was smiling. Still– "Tell me later," she insisted.

"Give me a moment," Elsa answered, and Anna grinned back because she liked that, being next on Elsa's agenda.

Heading inside, Anna set the tray on the coffee table and took her time arranging everything just right; sandwiches close at hand, cup handle facing outwards. Then she sat down. Looked around.

The office was just as she remembered; big and boring. Elsa had somehow managed to keep the paperwork in neat piles, but there were still half-opened envelopes everywhere. And there was a painting of their father on the wall, from his coronation. Copies of it were all over the castle; in the library, the hall of predecessors, and for a month one had hung at the town square, veiled in black.

In the hallway, Elsa and Kai were talking about a letter, the council and negotiation.

"Hi Papa." It wasn't that different to talking to Joan. Anna gazed up at her father and tilted her head, wondering. "You're watching us, right?"

She couldn't hear him, but she imagined he nodded.

The doors opened. Anna scrambled back into position just as Elsa re-entered. "Hi!" she chirped breathlessly. "It's– warmer than I thought."

Elsa gave her a curious look. "Shall I open the windows?"

Anna shot to her feet. "How about I open the windows and you sit down and have some sandwiches? No excuses – little sister's orders!"

Elsa raised her eyebrows. Anna tipped up her chin, and it hit her that she didn't know why she was so stuck on this little thing. They stared each other down for a long moment.

Then Elsa sat down, amused. "Be careful. The windows open outwards."

Anna felt a large grin spread on her face and wondered if maybe these little things weren't so little after all.

She pushed the windows open, ushering a fresh breeze into the office. When she turned back, she caught Elsa watching her. "See? I didn't fall out," she teased.

Elsa laughed softly. Was it just her or was there something different about Elsa – a good different?

Anna thoughtfully ran a finger along the window sill. "Can I ask you something?" she said. Out of politeness more than anything, really, because she pointed to the laden desk without waiting for Elsa's nod. "Where exactly is all that coming from?"

"Most of them are records from the library. The remainder are letters and issues from around the kingdom that require attention. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing. I just…" Anna hoped the shrug could successfully hide her frown, because she didn't want to show Elsa how much she didn't like all of this; that her sister was sitting where their father usually sat, doing what he usually did. Because Elsa was the older one and most of the time she was all doors and small smiles, but sometimes she'd say things like You'll be fine, Anna, I promise, and Anna would worry. She'd worry that no one was promising her big sister these simple things. "I just thought the council was taking care of everything until your coronation. That's all."

A flicker ran through Elsa's eyes. Anna couldn't pinpoint it, but her sister sat a little straighter and clasped her hands in her lap. And she knew she'd done it this time – crossed that line into a-little-too-honest.

Anna squeezed the sill. Wasn't she allowed to know anything?

"I can't learn to run a nation overnight, Anna," Elsa murmured.

And Anna got it – really. Elsa was going to be queen. They'd talked about this when they were little, over dolls and hide and seek, and it had felt like the ordeal would happen to them together, because of course they would help each other. Their people would love them.

"Hey, Elsa?"

Elsa opened her eyes. She looked tired.

Anna swallowed. Do you want to build a snowman?

"Yes?"

Go away, Anna.

"I-I think you're going to be an awesome queen."

OoOoO

She was five years old, and wanted to play hide and seek. But Elsa was still in the big, boring room with Papa and she didn't know what they were doing in there, only that they were taking a long time. Too long. She thought about skipping straight to hiding. Elsa would find her. Elsa always found her.

She kind of wanted to find Elsa this time, though.

"Ten," she began loudly, closing her eyes. "Nine… eight…"

She finished and spun around. The door was still closed. Stamping her foot, she started again. "Ten… nine…"

On five, she heard Papa's voice growing closer. "Remember, Elsa. It will be yours one day." Then the doors opened.

"Fourthreetwoone – ready or not, here I come!"

She tackled her sister so hard Elsa almost dropped her, and they ended up tangled at Papa's feet. Elsa giggled. "You're heavy, Anna!"

She nuzzled her sister's face, making her laugh louder. "Hey, Elsa? Do you wanna–"

"Let's go!"

OoOoO

The second time Anna brought tea, Elsa walked in when she was halfway up the cupboard, her skirt bunched around her knees.

"What are you doing?" her sister asked slowly.

"Oh, hi! Sorry, I'm going to block you out because I need to focus here…"

"You're going to–"

Anna yelped.

"–hurt yourself," Elsa finished.

Anna sucked on her thumb. "You're distracting me."

Elsa started to smile and, hesitating for a moment, held out a hand. "Come down. Please. Whatever you're trying to do, I'm sure we can find a safer way."

Anna thought it about it, and then took her sister's hand. She hopped down and stumbled into Elsa, who steadied her. "What were you doing with Father's portrait?"

"Making it crooked."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Making it crooked! You know how they made, like, fifty copies of this painting and put them up everywhere? And how he looks so nervous and weird in all of them because they didn't let him smile? Well, Papa told me once that there's a special one somewhere."

"A special one?" Elsa repeated.

"He said it was hung crooked, so it looks like he's smiling." Except now that she said it aloud, the spell around the mystery seemed to wear off. "Th-then again, he might've said it just to trick me, because I looked everywhere and I haven't found it. Maybe he only said it so I would do stop bugging him and do something else?"

Elsa had gone quiet.

Anna fidgeted with her own fingers, peering at her sister's face. Oh, just spit it out. "I thought you'd be more comfortable with Papa smiling at you while you work."

Elsa's eyes flickered to hers. Panic twisted Anna's stomach; Elsa didn't like it, hated it, and she should've asked first – but then Elsa took in a breath and said, "He didn't trick you, Anna. This portrait. There is a copy hanging crooked in a room… he put it up himself."

It took Anna a while to digest. Then her mouth dropped open. "You've seen it?"

Slowly, Elsa nodded.

"You cheeky explorer!" There was a place in the castle that Elsa had been that she hadn't – another world in these walls that she knew backwards; thought she'd known backwards. She tugged eagerly on Elsa's arm. "Well, what are we waiting for? Lead the way, sis!"

Elsa shook her head, pulling away. "I can't, Anna. Not– not today."

"It's because you're busy, isn't it? That's okay – I can help you finish and afterwards we can look–"

"Anna," Elsa interrupted.

And Anna stopped, wide-eyed, because that was Elsa's big sister voice. Just like that day with the ducklings. Even after go away, Anna and chocolate magic, the office doors had stayed shut until dinnertime.

Anna looked down at her fingers on her sister's sleeve, and knew she had to let go but didn't want to.

Elsa took a breath that didn't look like it was enough. "Please. I have work to do. I can't… I can't play with you anymore."

Anna stared at her sister's face, searching, because that was a joke, right? She tried to laugh. "What do you mean? You promised, remember? When we were little, you promised we'd still have time to play – and look! You're not even queen yet. Come on, Elsa." She reached for her sister's sleeve again.

Elsa took a step backwards, finding the desk and putting air in Anna's fingers. "I'm sorry, Anna."

"But… why?" She looked into her sister's eyes – walls – and suddenly Gregory's gravelly voice was in her head, leaning across the dining table towards Elsa, asking– "What are you so afraid of?"

Elsa froze. "Anna–"

Anna took a step forward. "No! Why, Elsa? What did I forget? If I could just remember–"

"Enough, Anna."

"Why are you making this so hard? Why can't we just talk?"

"Because you wouldn't– understand. I'm only trying to protect you!"

"From what?" Anna shouted.

Elsa flinched.

Anna swallowed something thick and hot. "We used to be so close… and then suddenly I'm in a room by myself, and you and Papa and Mama – you just expect me to understand? I was five years old!" She swiped at her eyes, frustrated. "What did you want me to do?"

Elsa crossed her arms, locking her elbows. "Anna," she breathed shakily, and Anna realised she had cornered her sister. She stumbled back. "Anna… I was a child, too. Have you forgotten that?"

Apparently, she had forgotten a lot of things. Anna shivered. Elsa wouldn't look at her. She tried one last time.

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"Don't you see? I already did."

OoOoO

She was ten years old and doodling.

Eventually, her tutor closed his book and cleared his throat very loudly over her ear. "Might I see that, Your Highness?"

She proudly flashed her pencil snowman. Her tutor lifted his spectacles, squinted at the page, and sighed. "This will not do, Princess Anna. This will not do at all."

She pouted because Elsa would have said it was amazing, an utter masterpiece and wasn't she just a child prodigy? She wouldn't let it get to her head, of course, but no one treated her like a five year old anymore and some days that was all she wanted.

"You must keep up with your studies," her tutor went on.

"But I am," she protested.

He pinched the bridge of his nose like he couldn't believe this was his job. "One day, Princess, you may need to oversee Arendelle in its entirety. When that happens–"

"What do you mean 'when'?" she cut in. "It won't. Elsa's going to be queen."

"This is hypothetical, Your Highness."

"Well, Elsa's gonna be the best queen ever." She puffed up her chest. "And I'm gonna be her right hand."

Her tutor regarded her. He replaced his spectacles and picked up his book. "Then surely you will need to be focused during your lessons, in order to be useful to the queen. Let's begin again on page forty-two."

After the lesson, she slipped the snowman drawing under Elsa's door, like all the rest. "We'll show him," she told the white door.

OoOoO

"I can't play with you anymore, she says. You wouldn't understand, she says." Anna threw a fistful of hay into the air. "Well, I say I really don't understand! How hard is it to sit me down, hold my hand, and just tell me everything? Easy, right? I think it's easy. Don't you?"

Chestnut gave a half-hearted snort.

Anna rounded on him. "No sleeping while I'm spilling my heart out to you. Do you hear me? We still have to–" A yawn swallowed the rest of her sentence.

Chestnut gave her a pointed look.

Anna rubbed her eyes. "Okay, okay. Fine. Let's call it a day." Or two, considering it was late – or early – into the next morning and there would probably be a huge fuss in a few hours when Gerda didn't find her in bed. But she would figure it out eventually. Where else would she go if not the stables?

Not to the white door, that was for sure.

Sinking into the soft hay and breathing in that musky smell she had grown up with, Anna grumbled, "She's a stinker."

Her makeshift bed trembled as Chestnut shook himself out. He gave her a sleepy but meaningful look.

Anna pulled a face. "Wait, so now it's my fault too?"

A chilly draught seeped through the wooden walls. If she were in her own bed, she would hug her battered old doll, but she wasn't – and best buddies or not, Chestnut was still a horse with very hard hooves. So Anna shivered and curled into herself, wondering if this was how Elsa had spent her first night in her new room, alone, because I was a child, too.

She sighed. "I know… I know it's my fault too."

The thatched roof creaked overhead. Then it increased to a drum.

Anna groaned. "Oh no you don't." But it did.

The rain came.

Chestnut shuffled nervously, ears twitching. Just about done with everything, Anna patted his flank spiritlessly. "It's okay, buddy. The sky is just taking a shower. It'll wake up clean and colourful afterwards."

Elsa had told her that. Sometimes Anna wondered how she remembered so many of these little moments, being so young and small, and how she could forget the things that really mattered. All she knew was that if Elsa – the old Elsa – were here, they'd be snuggled under the blankets with hot cocoa, lending goofy voices to their favourite fairy tales. It would be nice. Fun.

They'd probably fight a lot more than this too, she and the old Elsa, but that was okay because they would learn how to deal with that. They would sneak chocolate from the kitchen, build snowmen, slide in their socks, and pick Prince Charmings together. And maybe, maybe, their parents wouldn't have boarded the ship and–

I'm only trying to protect you.

Smiling in the darkness, Anna realised her cheeks were wet. She dropped a hand over her eyes. She breathed. And then she laughed, half sobbing, because it was all so silly. Happy endings like that just didn't happen. It wouldn't be fair. Joan said so. And besides…

A long time ago, her sister said with a smile in her voice, it used to be fun.

Besides, she only had one sister.

Anna listened to the rain and Chestnut's heavy breathing. Then she got up.

OoOoO

She was five years old again, and she didn't know where she was. Somewhere white and cold and quiet. She didn't like it.

But she wasn't alone. "Ready?" an excited voice asked her.

She nodded, grinning.

She was born ready.