Complicated
"It's so complicated. I'm so frustrated. I wanna hold you close. I wanna push you away. I wanna make you go. I wanna make you stay."- Carolyn Dawn Johnson
Meghan was so drunk. She was throwing up in the back of Jamie's car, with Paulina holding her hair and Becca holding the paper bag. I had no clue where she got the alcohol, or how she got so drunk so quickly. She needed to go home; Paulina and Becca were both staying with her.
The whole ride home, though, I couldn't stop thinking about Jacob. He seemed like a great guy. But I also remembered what happened in L.A., and, after that, how could I ever trust another man again? Men had betrayed me in every single way.
Paulina and Becca finally got Meghan out of the car. She apologized to Jamie over and over again, but Jamie understood. Stuff like that happened all the time. She was there for her friends.
The first few minutes back to my house were quiet, but Jamie finally spoke up.
"So I saw you talking to Jacob," she teased. "You like him?"
I shrugged, a little embarrassed. "I mean, he's cute and stuff, but I don't know him."
"You get his number?"
I smiled at her and nodded.
"Ooooooo," she continued to tease. "Text him!"
"Right now?" I asked.
"No, in a week." She rolled her eyes. "Yes right now!"
I pulled out my iPhone and unlocked it. Jacob's number was sitting right in front of me, but I couldn't bring myself to press the 'new message' button.
"What am I supposed to say?" I whispered.
She shrugged. "Just let him know that this is your number and that you had fun tonight. I mean, you had fun, right?"
I nodded.
"Then tell him that!"
So I did what Jamie said. I sent him the text and then closed my phone immediately. I didn't want to regret it.
We pulled up to my house a couple minutes later. Luckily for me, there were no lights on in the house; my mom was asleep.
"Well, I'm glad you came with us." She reached over awkwardly to hug me. "Let me know if anything happens before school on Monday!"
I smiled. "I will."
"Have a good night!"
I waved at her as she drove away.
I turned back to the house and sighed. It wasn't realty my home, and I didn't know if it could ever be. My mom was never a part of my life; she was too busy with drugs to ever want me. She was trying to make it up to me, trying to do anything she could to make me forgive her, but nothing could replace the childhood years that she missed.
The house was dead when I walked in. I simply rushed up to my room, not wanting to even make a possible encounter with my mother. I plopped down on my bed and pulled out my phone. Jacob had text me back.
"I had fun too," it read, "text me if you wanna hang."
I smiled, but simply threw it to the side. I was too exhausted to reply. He seemed like a sweet guy, and I did want to get to know him, but I remembered everything that happened in L.A. I didn't want to get into anything, and it was obvious that Jacob was interested in me.
A big yawn escaped my lips, so I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
When I woke up in the morning I was surprised to see that I was still in the clothes I wore the night before. My head hurt a little bit, and the sun was seeping through my blinds. I grunted as I tried to get up. When I finally made it up, I went into the bathroom and took a shower. I needed one.
The hot shower did nothing but good. My head stopped hurting, and I was starting to feel more awake. I didn't know what I was going to do that day, but I was ready to do something.
I wrapped my purple fluffy towel around my petite body and walked into my room. I picked up my phone to check the time and saw I had a text message. It was from Jacob.
"Hey Anna," it read, "whatcha doin today?"
I thought about not replying, to just ignore him and try to hang out with one of the girls, but what did I have to loose?
"Nothing," I wrote, "wbu?"
"Same. Wanna go see a movie?"
Did I want to go see a movie with him? Did I really want to put myself in that sort of vulnerable situation? But I had to make a decision.
"Sure. What time?"
"8. I'll come pick you up."
"K. Ttyl."
I looked at the clock; it was eleven am. That meant I had nine hours to cancel if I wanted to, but did I really want to? There was a big part of me that hated myself for letting myself be so vulnerable, but, at the same time, I knew I needed to move on. That was the whole reason I came to Forks: to finally move on.
"Anna!" my mom called from downstairs.
I sighed and started down. I didn't really want to see her. Of course I loved my mother, but most of the time I couldn't stand her. We were two different people, and we always would be.
"Yeah Mom?" I mused.
She picked up her jacket that was draped over the couch and put it on.
"I'm going out for the day," she explained. "Will you be okay by yourself?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Okay." She picked up her purse and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Behave yourself please."
I forced a smile. "Mom, you know I always do."
She smiled back. "I know. Have a good day honey."
"You too, Mom."
She walked out the door. I plopped down on the couch and sighed. What was I going to do with myself? I grabbed the T.V. remote and turned the T.V. on. There wasn't more that I could do. Maybe some mindless television would help me relax.
And it did. I ended up falling asleep in front of the T.V. I woke up at about five thirty, and my mom still wasn't home. She didn't tell me what she was doing, but I didn't really care. As long as she wasn't doing drugs, I couldn't have given a second thought to what she wanted to do. But I knew that she needed me just like I needed her.
I walked back upstairs, groggy, and grabbed my phone. There was of course another text from Jacob.
"Wanna grab dinner before?"
What else did I have to do? Getting out would do me some good.
"Yeah sure," I wrote back.
I waited for a couple minutes until my phone vibrated again.
"Okay, cool. Can I come in an hour?"
An hour would be more than enough time.
"Sure. See you then."
It was obvious that this was a date, and it was really something that I needed. What happened in L.A. messed me up so bad, but it was true. I needed to move on.
I picked out a simple outfit: a pair of dark jeans, a black, long-sleeved top, a white sweater, and a pair of black boots. I wanted to get dressed up at least a little bit if Jacob was going to take the time to take me out.
My make-up was simple too. I put on a little bit of foundation, swiped black eye-liner under my green eyes, curled my eye lashes, and put on some tinted lip balm. I thought I looked pretty good, and hopefully Jacob would think so too.
An hour passed quickly until I heard Jacob's old Ford truck pull into the driveway. I grabbed my purse and was about to head outside when the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and, when I saw Jacob, I smiled. He cleaned up nicely, and he was holding a dozen red roses.
"You look good," he mused. "I got these for you."
I smiled as he handed me the roses.
"Let me put these in some water," I said. "Come on in and sit down."
I went into the kitchen and got out the closest thing to a vase that I could find. It was so sweet that Jacob got me flowers. No guy had ever done that for me, and, honestly, it felt good. It made me think that I was actually worth love.
I walked back into the living room; Jacob was sitting there, doing something on his phone.
"You ready?" I asked.
He looked up at me and smiled. "Yeah, let's go."
We walked out the door. I locked it and then walked to Jacob's truck. He held the door open for me.
"It's a little hard to get in," he explained with a chuckle. "Especially because you're so short."
I smiled and rolled my eyes. "Oh, what a gentleman you are."
He chuckled as he helped me in. "I try."
He shut the door and then walked over to the driver's side. He got in and started the car.
"Sorry," he said. "It's a little old."
"Hey, it's a car," I laughed. "I understand."
He turned on the heater and smiled at me.
"So what do you feel like?" he asked as he pulled out of the driveway.
"I'm not sure," I replied. "What about you?"
"Mexican sounds pretty good," he answered. "That okay with you?"
I smiled. "Yeah that sounds really good."
We drove in about five minutes of silence until Jacob spoke again.
"You look really good," he spoke up.
"Thanks," I chuckled. "You told me that already."
"Well, beautiful girls deserve to be told they're beautiful."
He made me feel so weird, so different than what other guys made me feel. For the longest time, I didn't think I was worthy of such kindness, but Jacob made me feel like I deserved it.
"Thanks," I was able to reply. "You look pretty good yourself."
He snorted. "Thanks. I tried."
"I did too."
"Yeah, but the difference between you and I is that you don't need to try to look beautiful," he explained.
"You flatter me," I responded.
His smiles made my heart jump. "You deserve it."
We ended up getting to the restaurant pretty quickly. It was a small restaurant, but it looked nice, and it smelled great. California had really good Mexican food, and hopefully so did Washington.
We got a table fairly quickly too. Jacob pulled out my chair before I sat down.
The host gave us menus. I opened mine and started looking over it.
"So how's Meghan?" he mused, also looking over the menu.
I shrugged. "Haven't talked to her since last night. She was pretty drunk though."
"Yeah, you need to watch out for Paul," he chuckled. "He always has the alcohol."
"Thanks for letting me know," I laughed.
"You don't drink?" he asked.
"No, I do," I replied. "Just haven't in a while."
"Well, next time we drink I'll invite you." He smiled. "You still need to show us how to party like you did in Cali."
"Do you guys smoke too?" I asked.
"Cigarettes?"
I chuckled. "No, weed."
"I can't say we do." He paused. "Do you?"
"I used to," I replied. "Haven't in a while though. I usually don't smoke unless I'm at a party."
"Well, it's legal here," he chuckled. "There's a store here in Port Angeles where you can buy it."
I smirked. "You feelin' a little adventurous?"
"Maybe." He smirked back. "But after the movie."
"Sounds good to me."
We ordered drinks and food before we started talking again.
"So, Anna, why'd you move to Forks?" Jacob asked.
"Well, my mom lives here and I was just tired of L.A.," I replied, even though I knew I was lying. Maybe once I started to know him better, I would tell him what actually happened.
"That's cool," he mused. "You lived with your dad?"
I nodded. "Yeah. He's a director for those independent type movies."
He chuckled. "So the ones that never make it to movie theaters?"
"Yeah," I laughed. "He makes pretty good money though. It's amazing what people will pay to see their crappy script made into a movie."
"I bet. What does your mom do?"
"I'm not sure," I stated. "She does something small here, but when I last saw her she was living off welfare."
"Yeah, my dad is too," he sighed. "He's been in a wheel chair for ten years, and, since my mom passed away, we had no other form of income."
"Oh," I whispered. "I'm sorry."
He smiled and put his hand on top of mine. "It's okay, Anna. I moved on."
If Jacob could move on from a death then I could move on from what happened to me in L.A.
Not to mention that his hand felt completely amazing on top of mine. I flipped my hand so I was able to hold his. His skin was warm and soft. I loved the feeling of his touch.
"You're beautiful," he whispered.
I could feel myself blushing. "That has to be the tenth time you told me."
"Like I said before, beautiful girls deserve to be called beautiful."
Our food came, and our talk wasn't as deep. We talked about what movie we wanted to see and all the small details. Jacob put down forty dollars, and then got up to leave.
"Are you sure you don't want me to pay?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Don't be silly. You don't need to pay for a thing."
I smiled as he took my hand and helped me up. We went back to his truck; it was only a five minute drive to the movie theater. We were going to see the newest comedy, because we both loved funny movies. At first, Jacob wanted to see some new paranormal movie, but I couldn't handle scary movies. He dropped it then.
By the time we got into the theater, the previews were already starting. We found seats and sat down. Jacob slowly wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and I let him. It felt right to cuddle up to his chest with his arm around me. I didn't know how or why Jacob had such control over me, but I loved it. I loved the attention and the affection; I craved it.
The movie was funny, but it seemed like it ended too quickly. I wanted it to keep going just so I could keep Jacob's arm around me.
It was about ten thirty when the movie got out. It was freezing outside, so Jacob continued to hold me so I could keep warm. We got to his car as fast as we could and jumped in. He turned on the heater immediately.
"So do you still want to smoke?" he asked.
I was a little surprised, but I remembered that we were talking about it at dinner.
"Sure," I replied. "But don't you have to be twenty-one?"
He smirked, took out his wallet, and pulled out a fake I.D. I laughed out loud.
"Good job Jacob," I laughed. "You wanna buy me a beer too?"
"Of course." He put the car into drive. "Anything you want, baby."
We stopped at a gas station first, and Jacob bought two fortys. Then we went to, for lack of a better word, the weed store. He bought a pre-rolled joint and came back out.
"Do you mind if we go to the reservation?" he asked. "There's this really pretty spot on the mountain where no one goes around."
I smiled. "Sure. That sounds good."
I opened my bottle as we drove back to the reservation. It didn't take that much time, though.
As we pulled up, I realized how right Jacob was; the spot was gorgeous. It was just a little off one of the cliffs, and, just looking straight forward, you could see everything, from the ocean to the forest to the hundreds of twinkling stars in the night sky. It was breath taking. We didn't have many places like that in L.A.
Jacob unwrapped the joint and handed it to me.
"You light it," he told me. "I've never smoked before."
"You haven't?" I asked with a giggle.
"Don't make fun of me," he chuckled.
"I'm not." I put the joint between my lips and lit it. "It might burn a little bit, but the effects are worth it."
I took in a long inhale, keeping the smoke trapped in my lungs. It felt good to smoke again. I missed the stress relief it gave me. After all that had been going on, it felt good to relax. I let all the problems rush out of my body with the smoke.
I handed the joint to Jacob and took a long sip of my beer. I was glad I had it.
"Just smoke it like a cigarette," I explained.
He did exactly that. I was expecting him to start coughing terribly, like me and most of my friends our first time, but he handled it without a problem. He let the smoke slowly escape his lips as he passed the joint back to me.
"You like it?" I asked.
He nodded and took a drink of his beer.
I chuckled to myself as I took another hit.
"So, Anna," he mused as I let the smoke fill my lungs.
"Yeah?" I replied as I exhaled.
He sighed as he took the joint. "I really like you."
I thought for a second. Did I really want to get involved romantically with someone? With any other guy the answer would've probably been no, but Jacob did nothing but make me want to say yes.
"I like you too," I whispered back.
Without warning, he placed his hand gently on my cheek and kissed me. I let myself go, enjoying every second of the kiss. It felt so right.
Jacob made everything feel right.