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"And now I realise……what an absolute waste that would have been" she said in a harsh whisper punctuated by shaky breaths.

James looked wounded by her last remark. Lily turned to leave, trying to reign in her emotions, refusing to cry in front of him. As he watched her leave and empty sadness filled his eyes, as he looked down, as if remembering. Then a tear escaped one of his eyes. His brow was furrowed and his lips were in a thin line.

As Lily sobbed silently a couple of feet away, she promised to herself that she would never tell him about their baby.

A/N: Hey guys I'm so happy for the reviews! Well I made a huge mistake on chapter one, in the names of Lily's friends(long story…). So if you don't want to get confused , I've already changed them, and in this chapter are the new ones. So please enjoy!

Chapter 3 –Restrained love…..retained love

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

(November rain-Guns N' Roses)

It was Thursday night and Lily was resting in bed, trying to read. She was bit tired tomorrow she was going to return to her old job. To say the truth she was very nervous. She had spent the whole week with Danielle doinghouse hunting and some serious shopping. It had definitely been good for her, distractions were what she needed right now. She was eager to move into her own place, the order headquarters were fine, but she needed some time and space alone…During all week Lily hadn't been able to talk with Dumbledore about what her father had said. Just as she was thinking, how the hell he knew, he came into her bedroom.

"Lily, I hope I'm not interrupting you" he said. Lily got up and both sat in one of the chairs next to the table.

"Not at all Professor" she said "Actually I've been meaning to talk to you all week. I just couldn't"

"I imagine your father has already told you that I knew you were alive" he stated. And Lily was surprised at how blunt he could be sometimes.

"Yes" she reassured him "And my question is how?"

"Well Miss Evans, do you recognise this woman?" he said taking out a picture. And Lily gasped at we she saw. There she was, but with black straight hair,and her green piercing eyes, but although it was her, her face seemed different as if it was another person.

"OH MY GOD! For heaven sake's this is me!" she exclaimed

"I received this picture six months earlier" he explained "Through sources I found out you were residing at New York and you were working at the American Ministry of Magic under the name of Marissa Smith."

"Why didn't you told me this before!"

"It wasn't the appropriate time, you were very altered. After I had learned your location I tried to contact you, but you never answered my letters. So I sent one of our Order members" he said taking out another picture. "Do you recognise him?"

"No" she said examining the man, he must have been like 19, he was thin, handsome, dark blue eyes, and dirty blond hair.

"His name is Adam Thompson, familiar now?" said Dumbledore

"Wait, he was a Ravenclaw a year ahead of us at Hogwarts. He was headboy in my sixth year. He looks so different." She said looking closer at the smiling guy in it.

"He went to retrieve you two months ago, and he came back with nothing. He never found you. Apparently you had left the Ministry. I kept sending you letters but you never answered any of them. The first letter I received was the one from last week"

"Oh" Lily said.

"But that's not all, three weeks ago, the English ambassador who resided on New York was murdered, and there was a witness" said Dumbledore. "The ambassador was a presumptuous death eater too, we had been investigating him for several months"

"And why does that, has to do with me?" asked Lily confused. Dumbledore took out a third photograph. It wasn't a photograph precisely, it was a portrait of her, this time with short light brown hair but with the same green eyes. Lily covered her mouth to avoid screaming. "No…"

"This is the woman, the witness described to the muggle police at New York. He was stabbed 3 times. But the ministry isn't quite sure she was a muggle, they have reasons to believe it was a witch. They have opened an investigation. From what I heard Scott was thinking of giving some information and leaving the dark side."

"No…" she whispered. " I killed a man. I can't be trusted. Professor you can't trust me, not after this" she said

"Your remorse is premature. Without knowing the circumstances, you can't be sure you didn't have a cause." He explained trying to calm her down. Lily remained quiet for a couple of minutes processing what she had just learned, then she spoke again this time more calm and confident.

"I know you don't want to inform the ministry, to protect me, but maybe you should." she said

"Lily, they'll detain you indefinitely. If they learn you murdered the ambassador, you won't be able to participate in finding out what happened to you over the last two years , which, frankly, I need you for." He told her and got up heading to the door.

"I don't trust myself right now, Professor. Maybe the ministry shouldn't either."

" Well, I trust you. I'll keep looking into the ambassador. You deserve to get on with your life" and he left.

"Right now, I'm not so sure I want this life" she whispered.

" Why does moving heavy objects automatically mean, that I need one of those muggle beverages you like to call beers?" asked Sirius.

Lily smiled and grabbed a beer bottle from a six pack on the counter, she twisted off the top and turned to hand it to him "Maybe because you just like to use it as a pretext to drink one… Is not as if it was a hard work to swish you wand every now then."

"Well thank you, but my wrist is starting to hurt" he said mockingly wincing in pain. Lily walked across the kitchen and into the living room and sat in one of the couches.

"Then I guess it must be time for a break" she said smiling

" Is that a smile? It's nice to see that again" said Sirius.

Lily looked up a little surprised and gave him a cute, embarrassed smile and looked down again. "Yeah" she said.

"Are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, are you going to be all right? By yourself?" he asked a concerned his friend was trying to pretend it was all okay.

"Well, this place isn't so bad…" she started. Sirius laughed " Come on. It's amazing. Luxurious penthouse which is two blocks from the beach! Are you kidding me? And beside you've got the most handsome, and hottest neighbour you could ask for. Trust me, you're set. It's every girl's dream and I'm not talking precisely of the penthouse"

"I wonder what Danielle says about that" she said amused.

"Well she's just happy to be the lucky girl I chose" he said grinning like a little boy.

"I'm so happy for both of you, that you finally got together. You are meant to be. Since back at school I could tell"

"Yeah, I know, it's just that when it feels right , it simply feels right. I can't imagine my life without her now. I just love her so much, and having this baby is just going to bring us closer if is even possible."

Lily knew he had hit a nerve, it sounded so much like her and James back then, but now it was just too painful and sad to think about it.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked turning serious.

"Sure" he said turning to face herafter taking a swig of his beer.

"James. How's his wife like?" she asked slowly as if careful.

Sirius looked down uncomfortably, sighed and sat down next to her. "I'm not sure if you really want to hear this." But Lily looked at him expectantly. "When James heard that you were dead? He just lost it . I mean, literally, Lils, he...he was out of the country for, like, six months. You need to know that he wasn't eager to get moving on with his life." Lily nodded painfully and he continued "I mean, I could barely convince him to consider coming back to the Order."

"He's thinking about coming back?" she asked surprised. Sirius couldn't maintain the eye contact with Lily, so he looked everywhere but her.

"Well you don't have to worry about that, because it won't happen" he said more softly.

"Because of me…because I'm back, right?" she asked

"I'm not sure of that Lily, we had talked about it a couple of days earlier to your return. He was confident and was even eager to talk to Dumbledore. But Remus told me the night you came back, James and Dumbledore were talking, Dumbledore mentioned something about him coming back and he just snapped at him, got upset and left." Sirius explained

"It's me." she simply said. "What else could keep him from coming back?" she asked. Hoping Sirius could think of another reason for her. But he obviously knew Lily was right.

"Hey do you want go eat, I'm hungry" he said trying to lighten the mood and distract her. She could just deal with this later.

"Sounds great" she said.

"Mom it was delicious" Lily said as she grabbed the last remaining from her plate.

"I'm glad you like it honey" her mother said.

"She's right you outdid yourself, Margaret " said her father warmly, and Lily's mom blushed. Lily smiled at the scene it was good to see her parents that warm to each other. Maybe she really had been some help in bringing them closer. When she though about it, Lily was almost sure her death along with Petunia's marriage was what driven her parents apart.

"So, I was wondering if I had like a funeral or something liked that?" Lily asked. Both of her parents were surprised, but it was her mother who answered.

"Well, yes kind of. Because there was no body. But James insisted in doing it that way. Lots of people were there. And the place were you were supposedly buried, was little garden with a plaque in the centre and white lilies everywhere." said her mother. "It would have been beautiful to look at, if it didn't caused so much pain and sadness" and a tear escaped on of her eyes.

"But I'm here now mom" she said embracing her mother in a hug.

"I'll have to take care of that plaque and the place" said his father.

"Just destroy the plaque but leave the lilies, mom says it's beautiful and I'm sure it is. So just keep the flowers, please" she said, and promised herself she would visit the place, but not now. She needed some time to adjust to the idea.

"Lily, have you received any letter from Natasha or Lindsay?" Danielle asked. She was looking so pretty today. Her long black curly hair made an excellent contrast with her white snow skin. Her dark brown, almost black eyes were sparkling.

"No, are they here in London? I can't wait to see them, hey what about Jane?" she asked

"Natasha is in Italy, Lindsay is here in England but not in London. And Jane died a year ago" Danielle mumbled losing the spark in her eyes. "She…was murdered by death eaters"

Lily only stood there speechless, one of her best friends had died. The horrible feeling took over her body again, but this time there were no tears. She had cried so much that at this point, it seemed as if she wasn't going to be able to cry anymore. Danielle hugged Lily tightly, and for the first time she realised how hard it must have been for her, and forNatasha and Lindsay.

"Are you nervous about today?" Danielle asked.

"Well yes, one thing was being introduced to my boss and my work team. But meeting all the auror department, it's nervous wracking , besides…"

"Yeah I understand, so who's your boss?" she nodded.

"Adam Thompson"

"He's nice, smart and a great auror. He is one the youngest leaders along with Sirius and…" she said without finishing the phrase. Lily knew who she was going to mention and didn't liked people avoiding his name in front of her, like if they were afraid she might just snap and kill them. She could deal with him now ,at least that was what she hoped.

"I know. My co workers seem great too" Lily said.

"Well do you mind telling me some names and then I'll tell you what I know about them" Danielle said.

"Well there's Sara Michael, John Graham, Jared Cauldwell, and Susan Nichol"

"Great aurors Jared, Sara and John. Susan's good but not as good. And just to warn you Jared and Susan are dating, you should know she's extremely jealous." She said in a serious mock tone.

"I don't plan on hitting Jared. There won't be a problem" Lily assured her.

"Don't tell me later, I didn't warn you" she said laughing and both directed themselves to the room where the meeting was going to be held. When they arrived Sirius was already there talking to an older man. Lily scanned the room and recognised some faces. A large part of the people there were between 20 and 25. But there were also older people between 35 to 45. Apparently everyone was waiting for the head auror to show up and start the meeting.

The department was divided in six teams. Each team had a leader, and apart from the team there was a supervisor for each one. The group of supervisors was like the seventh team, and then there was the deputy head auror and finally the head auror himself. The head auror was the same since she had started working there, Mr. Harold Potter. He had introduced her to her supervisor and leader earlier. He had made her feel welcome and his treat hadn't been anydifferent from before.

Her team supervisor was non other than Fabian Prewett, she had heard that most of the people at the ministry thought he was too young for a supervisor, he was just 26 after all, but he was a magnificent auror like his elder brother Gideon. He was the deputy head auror, and a great friend of Mr. Potter. Both were member orders as well.

Everyone quieted down, and Lily noticed Mr. Potter along with his son enter the room. They all took their seats, and the meeting began. He started giving out tasks to each team. And all the persons in the room started to take note. Then he made a quick summary of the attacks over the last month, he pointed out possible moves from the Dark Lord, and then he talked about the ministry's fears and expectations. Lily was dreading the moment but it finally came.

"Now as most of you know. Miss Lillian LeighEvans has been reinstalled as an auror" and everybody turned to look at her, everybody but him. His face showed no expression or what so ever. "She's part of Adam's team. Welcome back" he finished and gave her a reassuring smile. "So that's it for today" and with that the meeting ended, and everyone stopped looking at her.

Several people approached, to welcome her back. Either they were people she knew from Hogwarts or people with whom she used to work before. Suddenly everything didn't felt so strange, except of course, him. As soon as the meeting ended he had left immediately the room.

After the first week, Lily felt like part of her life was falling to place. Although the other great part was still a mess. She had dedicated herself to settling down at work, and actually workingbecause she hadn't had time for anything else. She had to talk to Dumbledore again, and she wanted to hang out with her friends. Tonight they were going to go out finally. She also wanted to talk to Potter, she didn't want to be the reason he wasn't going back to the Order, after all she had been the reason he left, so it just wasn't right. So today she was going to end with it. She finished her paperwork, grabbed her cloak an purse and directed herself to his office.

He had his own secretary, but apparently she was gone already. It was kind of late and most people were gone, especially because it was friday. Lily was about to knock when she heard he was talking to someone. So she decided to wait, to avoid interrupting. After five minutes the door opened and Ryan Wood exited, he bid good night at her and went towards the elevator.

Lily stood and entered the room, looking nervous an anxious. At first James didn't acknowledge her presence, he was looking through some paperwork. Lily walked forward and James looked up noticing someone there. He was shocked to see her there. His expression turned anxious and tense, as if steeled against another outburst. He didn't know what to expect from her. He sighed and Lily met his eyes.

"You're chief auror, huh?" she asked softly sort of wistfully and painfully at the same time.

"Yes" he answered cautiously after pausing for a second.

"I know that you're thinking about coming back...to the Order" she commented trying to sound as casual as possible.

James remained with the same expression on his face. He was waiting to find out what Lily wanted, why she was there.

"If your hesitation or sudden change of mind is due somehow to me. Forget it, I mean I don't have a problem with you being there. I can handle it. I don't want to be the reason you won't come back."

James looked off, as in deep, troubled thought, then he looked down and away. He took two steps closer to Lily, while she crossed her arms across herself in a self-protective gesture.

James sighed again, the spoke in a mildly defensive way "The other day you said I gave up on us because I didn't have faith; that somehow you didn't mean enough to me."

"When I said that, I was..." she said as in pain.

"No, let me finish" he said earnestly in a pained half-whisper. Lily looked at him, reflecting sorrow and pain through her eyes.

"After you died, I used to talk to you...like you were still around. Literally, out loud, whole conversations about...nothing" James looked lost in memory as he spoke" the weather...Should I get a new broom? Should I have another drink?..."As he talked Lily was clearly hurting for him. James met her eyes "Then one day….you started answering." And he shook his head slightly…his voice turned a bit unsteady and hoarse "I mean, I could hear you in my head…like you were right next to me…Lily" In that moment Lily was one step far from crying" And although rationally I knew I was a guy who stayed up nights drinking and talking to his dead girlfriend…Still I couldn't stop" Her eyes were now watery. "So before you tell me you can handle me coming back to the order, there are two things you need to know. First is that I was so in love with you…that it nearly killed me" Lily's eyes were still watery and her face awash in pain and sorrow " And second…." He shook his head "that I don't regret moving on with my life." Lily was devastated by what James went through but the feeling of betrayal was still there. She just nodded and walked out his office, because she couldn't hold back the tears.

In the office James, was trying to hold back himself. He hadn't wanted Lily to know all this, but anger had got out the best of him( in a sarcastic way). Besides he had just basically lied, first of all he thought I am so in love with you that it nearly killed me and it's killing me right now , you being here and I can't have you, and second I regret moving on with my life, I would do anything to go back in time, things would be so different now.

After many explanations, complains, yelling, and spells. Natasha, Lindsay and Danielle had convinced Lilynot tocancel their night out. Danielle had played her pity card as how in two months she wasn't going to be able to even go out. Natasha and Lindsay were her other two friends. Like Danielle, Natasha Clearwater was pureblood too. She was tall, she had amazing honey coloured eyes and blonde curly hair with some red strikes .She had a nice body, with curves in the all the right places, but slim all together. She worked as a model in Italy, and she was very respected because of her family and her being a famous model. Lindsay Stevens was pureblood withlight brown wavy hair, and light blue eyes. She had a slim figure toned like Danielle used to have because of the exercise she did. She and Danielle used to play quidditch back at Hogwarts, and her shape was just the same as back in school. Lindsay was junior editor at a magazine called "B.I.G" (that stood for Beauty, Intelligence and Grace) it was sort of like the Vogue American magazine.

First they had dinner at an elegant and fancy restaurant at muggle London. They served italian food which was the girls' favourite. Afterwards they went to a wizarding club, near Diagon Alley. Natasha and Lily were drinking as if there was no tomorrow, Lindsay wasn't drinking, they needed someone to take them home and help Danielle who couldn't, and a pregnant womanwasn't going to be able to deal with three drunken women. They danced all night long, until Natasha and Lily were just too trashed. So Lindsay and Danielle decided it was time to go home.

The arrived to Lily's place. Lily walked into to kitchen and took out a bottle of…..tequila apparently and two shot glasses. She joined her friends in the living room, and poured some liquid into both shot glasses. Natasha giggled and Lily drank down a shot, her friend did the same. Danielle and Lindsay looked at the girls amused.

They continued for a while until the bottle she had took out earlier was now a mostly-empty large bottle of tequila. Lindsay was almost falling asleep as Danielle. The conversation had died out a long while ago. It wasn't so fun when not everyone was drunk or sober.

"Ok, girls I have to go, I'm next door just go if you need anything" said Danielle standing up.

"Bye" Lily and Natasha giggled and Lindsay just shook her head and stood up along with Danielle.

"I think I'm going to go and sleep now, Lily is it okay with you two?" she asked.

"Of course" Natasha slurred. Danielle then left the apartment and Lindsay went into the guest room. Lily poured the remain into the two shots.

"That's good!" Lily muffled

"I know. Do you wanna know what else is gooood…..?"Natasha asked in a suggestive way.

"What Tash?" Lily said giggling.

"Adam Thompson, he is an auror you know….a really hot hot hot auror"

"Shut up! He's like my boss…"

"I know that why you must be the luckiest woman in the whole world!"

"I don't think so, I don't plan on hitting on him" she told her "or shagging him…." she said as an afterthought and she blushed and started giggling once again like a stupid high school girl

"Hey, why not? You deserve it girl after all you've been through. You've got to find a way to release all that tension and stress."

"After all I've been through…." She whispered, and looked down. "Is just that it all happened so fast…" she said more to herself than to Natasha. And braced herself as a little kid who's scared. Natasha got up and sat next to her putting and arm around her, and Lily started sobbing silently.

"You're going to be fine" she said while stroking her hair "We are here for you, we won't leave you no matter what happens. We love you Lils" At this Lily sobbed even harder and in a strained voice almost incomprehensible she said "He used to say that, he promised, he promised…."

Natasha remained quiet, knowing that no matter what she said, Lily wouldn't feel better. The best she could was comfort her, and hold her while she cried. She was amazed at how well Lily had conducted herself for the first two weeks, in her place she would have been destroyed.

"Yeah, then everything went blank, and next thing I knew I was at St. Mungos" an old man said to Lily "The worst was that I couldn't even recognise my sons, how long have you been back?"

"A little bit more than two weeks" she said shyly.

"Nightmares?" he asked resignedly

"Yes everyday" she sighed heavily. Talking to a stranger was so much easier for her. He didn't know her and he had gone through the same still it wasn't enough, nothing was enough. Nothing at this point could maker her feel better. They talked for another hour or so until the old man had to leave. She was left alone and somehow mad, that she had been forced to do this. It had been that bad yes, but it still couldn't ease her pain. So she apparated to Sirius' place.

She was feeling distinctly unnerved, there was nobody on the living room, so she walked down the hallway to the kitchen, and pushed open the door. Sirius was sitting on the edge of his kitchen table. He looked up and started to stand when he saw her.

"Lily….."

"I appreciate everybody thinking it's good for me to know that there are other people out there who've experienced what I have, but…."

"Lils what are you talking about?" asked Sirius confused by her outburst.

"But nothing can't help me Sirius!" she yelled.

"Lily….." but he was cut off by her again. Her emotions were leaking out pain and sorrow "Look I'm not even gonna lie to you and tell you that it isn't hard for me to see James…. Do I still love him? Of course I do and I…..and I can't…" and she plopped in the chair next to Sirius and covered her face with her hands. Sirius rubbed her back and saw James' standing in the kitchen entrance.

James felt like he had been stabbed once again. Yes that was how he felt everytime he saw her. Sirius was just looking at him with a dumbfound expression on his face. James felt so angry. Just a couple of feet away she was, looking for comfort. The idea of hugging her and kissing her, crossed his mind, but he knew it just would make things worst, he couldn't do that. So after gaining back his senses he just waved Sirius and walked out the room, feeling worse than he had when he first arrived, and disapparated.

Lily didn't even acknowledge his presence or heard the pop in the living room. She was too busy choking herself on her emotions once again.

Later that day, Lily had to go to Hogwarts to see Dumbledore. She had been so excited about visiting her school full of memories from her adolescence, but also filled of memories with him…..

Lily spotted somestudents playing near the lake, and a couple of feet away was a couple of 6th or 7th, the boy was whispering something to her and she just blushed and gave him a kiss on th cheek. It looked so familiar...

She smiled at the young couple and continued to walk into the castle. There saw also some of her old professors, who were so happy to see her again. Everybody spoke to her words of good luck and best wishes. Minerva Mcgonagall escorted her to Dumbledore's office. They climbed up the stairs, and there was someone sitting across form the Headmaster whom he was talking to.

Dumbledore turned to see both women and stood up and pointed the seat in front of him and next to the man.

"Thank you Minerva" he said and dismissed the old Transfiguration teacher. Lily walked up to the seat and saw James sitting there. He turned to look at her and gave her a small smile which Lily painfully returned. She sat down and Dumbledore started taking "Lily, James you are both been reinstalled as order members and to your old positions."

"Thank you sir" both said at the same time

"But that means you would be paired up for order mission. If there are any special considerations either of you would like me to take into account, Now's the time to speak"

James was clearly worried about Lily's reaction, there was worry etched on his face. He looked and Dumbledore and then finally met Lily's eyes as if asking, "Are you sure you're okay with this?" as Dumbledore continued talking, James had his hands clutched together in front of him, as if awaiting a verdict. Lily looked away briefly and then back, meeting James' eyes. For a split second, emotion could be seen on Lily's eyes, but then it was gone and she was all polite business.

"Welcome back to both of you" Dumbledore said. "Now if you excuse me, I'll have to leave". He walked them to the stairs and both remained quiet. They walked down the hallway, until Lily stopped, putting herself in front of him.

"So we are going to be working together." she said nodding slightly. James nodded back "Yes, I guess so…." He looked over Lily's shoulder toward the sound of footsteps. His mouth dropped open slightly, hesteeled himself for something even worse than seeing Lily. Slightly breathless he said "Hey, Alexis"

Lily turned to look a round at who he was talking too. A woman of about 5'1 with wavy brown hair that cascaded down to her shoulders and blue eyes to match , was walking towards them. She was very pretty Lily could tell. James just bit his lip as she arrived. Both women turned to look at him expecting to be introduced.

"Lily this is Alexis . Alexis this is Lily Evans" he said it quickly and both women shook their hands. Alexis looked surprised at hearing her names, but Lily was clueless to who she was.

"I don't remember you from Hogwarts" said Lily as an afterthought "What did you say it was your last name?"

"I didn't attend Hogwarts. My father is English, but my mom is French, I went to Beauxbautons" she answered. Then in a more respectful and almost apologetic tone "My maiden name was Thompson, I'm Alexis Potter now"

Lily was stunned and her eyes widened "Hi..." she said softly, almost in a whisper. Lily appeared as is she had been expecting it, but that it still hurt more than she though it would. She looked down. James seemed to notice the tension and Lily's problem with her voice so he finally sppke "We have to go Lily. Good bye" Lily looked up at him and noticed regret in his eyes. She nods unable to find her voice and both walked away. Alexis grabbed James' hand as soon as they started walking. Lily just watched silently the couple leave.

A/N: That…was….chapter…three. Lily is all emotional now, and James is stupid. Would you like more about James' feelings? I'll do my best to update next week but I can't promise. Reviews encourage me to write! SO PLEASE REVIEW! Also I need a BETA READER! Anyone?

sirius' lover xxTxx: I'm glad you think so.

MoonShineMagicSsarer: Thanks Sara! I wasn't sure you were going to like it. You're such a great friend, so now you know this part of me lol.

banny: Thanks! Keep reviewing! And I'll try to update frequently.

Bread and Cheese: I hope this disclaimer is enough. And thanks for the warning but if you have more suggestions please let me know.

Emilyp: Yeah that why I sort of made it R. But now I'm feeling like I exaggerated should I change to PG-13?

SiriusAndJamesAreGorgeous: Yeah he's and idiot, and I love him to.. He's one of my fav characters along with Sirius. I think they are great! But James will get better soon.

Ivy