2-A Walk in the Gardens

In which Elsa shares another big secret with Anna. Anna is shocked. Now what will they do?

"Has it only been two weeks?" Elsa thought to herself. It seemed like a lifetime. In many ways, it had been a lifetime.

Two weeks ago, she had awoken as a princess, anticipation cold in her gut, knowing that her coronation as Queen of Arendelle was only hours away. She had been terrified. For ten years, she had been as isolated as a person could be, while still being tutored in the lessons of ruling a kingdom. For three years, she had continued those lessons, anguished by the grief of losing her parents. Burdened with the certain knowledge that she would have to take up the duties of Queen Regnant at far too early an age. And for all thirteen years, she had been afraid of her powers, the magic of controlling ice and snow, powers that were known only to a very small, very trusted circle of people. A circle that did not include her beloved sister, Anna.

Thirteen years ago, Elsa had almost killed her little sister. Elsa was eight years old, Anna five. It had begun as just another nighttime adventure of play time for the sisters. Anna had awoken Elsa, insisting that she "Do the magic!" Since Elsa loved using her magic to play in the snow with Anna, they found themselves in the throne room, building a snowman named Olaf, skating on the frozen floor, and sledding down hills of snow created by Elsa. Then it had gone terribly wrong. Anna, a bundle of reckless energy, (She was only five!) had leapt from hill to hill, too fast for Elsa to keep up. Elsa tried to cushion Anna's landing, but slipped, and hit Anna in the head with a bolt of magic, knocking her unconscious. Elsa was afraid that she had killed her sister. Trolls had healed Anna, but altered her memories so she would not remember that Elsa had magic powers. And their parents had decided that separating them would prevent Anna from ever finding out.

In retrospect, that had been a very bad decision, no matter how loving a motivation had been driving it. It had made Elsa feel guilty in a way it was impossible for her to overcome. It kept the two sisters apart, where before they had been inseparable. It made Anna inconsolable, and then angry, to lose her best friend and sister, with no explanation as to why. Even when their parents had died at sea, Elsa wouldn't reunite with Anna, deepening the grief felt by both girls beyond measure.

Those incidents, tragic though they were, didn't even begin to cover the events triggered by Elsa's coronation as Queen: exposure of her powers in front of her subjects and visiting dignitaries; kicking off a howling winter in July that could have destroyed the Kingdom; unknowingly freezing Anna's heart in a confrontation between the sisters; actually seeing Anna frozen into an icy statue, dead by Elsa's own hand. Then, a miracle of grace when Anna's heart was thawed by an act of true love, as she had sacrificed her own life to save Elsa from dying under the sword of a would-be usurper.

That kind of experience taught Elsa that keeping secrets didn't solve anything. Running away didn't solve anything. She knew that she still had a big secret, and that Anna needed to know about it, or the kingdom would be in danger.

She hoped that her sister wouldn't be too shocked by what Elsa had to share with her.

"Kai, do you know where Anna is this morning?" Elsa was speaking to one of the members of that trusted inner circle. He had been employed by her parents since before she and Anna were born, and one of the few members of the staff retained after the King had attempted to shelter his children from the consequences of Elsa's powers.

"I believe she is down in the stables, Your Majesty. With the Ice Master." Kai responded. Was that a little hint of a smile? Elsa thought so, although she couldn't be sure it was because Kai approved of Kristoff, or because he was amused by the title Elsa had bestowed on him. Probably both.

"Thank you, Kai." and Elsa went to find her sister.

In the stable yard, Anna, Sven and Kristoff were having some fun. Kristoff waved a carrot at Sven and asked, "What do you want, Sven?" Then, in a different voice, his Sven voice, he responded to his own question. "Give me a snack." But snacks come with a price. "What's the magic word?" Kristoff makes Sven show off his reindeer etiquette. "Please!" Sven/Kristoff begs.

As Sven lunged to take the whole carrot, Kristoff reminded him that they always share. Then takes his own bite after Sven gets his half of the carrot.

Anna, who watched this exchange with a shuddering "Ewww!", laughed at the interplay. She has only known the pair for two weeks, but they have settled into a comfortable friendship. Truthfully, Anna is not sure if it will stay as only friendship, but her experience with Prince Hans had knocked some of the naive faith in 'True Love' out of her head. She was still a trusting, loving person, but she was now fully aware of the fact that 'True Love' didn't happen like a bolt of lighting. It grew, over time, as people got to know each other. She was willing to nurture that growth with Kristoff, see how they would build on the adventures they had shared.

"Hey, Feisty Pants! What's so funny?" Kristoff seemed to have settled on her nickname. If only she had as good a one for him. Iceman? No. Blondie? No. Troll Boy? No, no, no! She'd have to think about it some more.

"You realize that kissing me with reindeer slobber on your lips is out of the question, right?" Anna shot back at him, crossing her arms and attempting a haughty demeanor. It was a pretty feeble attempt.

"Reindeer slobber? I'm thinking that's not the only thing keeping kissing out of the question!" A new, sterner voice joined the conversation. There seemed to be a giggle hiding in the sternness, though.

Anna jumped. "Elsa! It's not nice to sneak up on people!" She whirled to confront her sister, who couldn't keep her laughter in any more.

"Anna, I didn't 'sneak up' on you. You were so engrossed in reindeer slobber you weren't paying attention." Elsa smirked.

Kristoff and Sven just watched this exchange. They still weren't totally relaxed in the presence of the Snow Queen. "Good morning, Your Majesty." Kristoff finally remembered his manners.

Elsa nodded at him, "Good morning, Ice Master.", just the tiniest smile on her face. She was becoming comfortable with the man. Anna had related all the adventures of the crazy quest to find Elsa and bring her back to Arendelle after the coronation ball disaster. She made a mental note that she needed to spend some time alone with Kristoff, without Anna's presence.

"If it wouldn't be too much of an imposition, Anna, do you think you could tear yourself away and spend a bit of time this morning with your sister? Come and take a walk with me in the gardens?" Elsa asked.

She hated to intrude on Anna's fun, but her own schedule had very few open spots on it. The spectacular events of the Great Winter and Great Thaw had made Elsa's settling into the job of actually being the Queen rather more...fraught...than originally anticipated. There were fences to mend, castle walls to literally mend, and relationships to re-establish with her Council of Advisors. Not to mention reassuring her people that they were not about to be turned into blocks of ice at her whim. All of that left very little personal time, and the strain was already beginning to have...consequences.

"A walk in the gardens? Sure, that would be great! We haven't walked in the gardens since...", Anna's exuberance skidded to a halt. "Ahem, I mean, I would love to walk in the gardens with anyone. Um, not that you're just anyone! You're you!"

Mentally slapping herself, Anna settled for smiling at her sister, hoping she didn't offend Elsa. After 13 years of no interaction, the sisters were still feeling very tentative in their relationship, sword sacrifices notwithstanding. Just because you were willing to die for someone didn't mean you knew how to live with them, as Anna was finding out the hard way.

Elsa, for her part, took the intent for the deed. She was enjoying getting to know her sister all over again, and was willing to tolerate quite a bit of fluff to spend time with Anna.

"Let's go, then. After lunch, I'm back into the miseries of meetings with the Advisory Council. More trade agreements!" Elsa threw in an eye roll.

Anna shuddered with some exaggeration, indicating her sympathy for Elsa's responsibilities. As Heir Presumptive, Anna sincerely hoped her sister died of old age after a reign of, oh, 75 years or so. Maybe 100 years. That way, Arendelle would never have to find out what rule by 'Queen Anna' looked like!

"Okay, I'll see you this afternoon, Kristoff! Maybe you and Sven can go find Olaf in town. He's busy sniffing flowers, sneezing his head off, and playing with the children! And, Sven, NO EATING HIS NOSE!" Anna waved goodbye at them, and followed her sister, catching up to her and entwining Elsa's arm in her own.

Kristoff just shook his head in bemusement, and held out another carrot for Sven.

The castle gardens were a marvelous place. There was enough shade that even on the hottest of days, one could sit contentedly on the benches scattered around. The plants and flowers created wonderful scents, and there were ducks and squirrels to amuse with their antics. The ducklings Anna had played with on Coronation Day were noticeably bigger, even though they eagerly nibbled at the bread crumbs the sisters had thoughtfully brought with them.

The two women sat in silence for a few minutes. Elsa seemed abstracted. Anna began to wonder if Elsa had some other motivation than simply enjoying an interlude of peace and quiet between meetings. She stirred, and began, "Elsa..." at the same moment her sister said, "Anna..." They looked at each other and giggled.

"You first." Anna said, and took Elsa's hand in her own. She loved the touch of Elsa's skin, cool and smooth. After all the long years of loneliness, she would never get enough of that touch. And Elsa seemed to feel the same way. Which, considering how many pairs of gloves she had worn out over the years, was amazing, really.

"Anna, there are some things I need to share with you.", Elsa began again.

Anna felt a little niggle of worry. Since the day of the Great Thaw, they had shared many things that had been pent up for years. Like, how Anna had been injured by Elsa so long ago. THAT revelation had struck Anna mute for quite a few minutes, as she slowly realized how she had unwittingly hurt Elsa every time she tried to reconnect with her. And how obliviously, cheerfully she had tried to bring Elsa back to Arendelle from the Ice Palace, not realizing how literal a warning "You're not safe here!" was. She had blindly assumed Elsa was just spooked by the exposure of her secret. She had not understood the terror Elsa felt about the possibility of killing Anna with another moment of carelessness. A terror that was fully justified.

When the full import of that hit her, Anna was ashamed of herself, and told Elsa so. Elsa had hugged her, and said, "Anna, you can only act on information you have. Mama and Papa hid that from you, and so did I. But if I learned anything from that mess, it's that I will never conceal things like that from you ever again. Those gates, like the castle gates, will stay open!"

Anna gave her full attention to her sister. "Okay, Elsa, I'm all ears. And quite a bit of mouth, but I'll try to stay quiet and let you talk!" Anna was babbling again. Elsa snorted a little laugh and slid closer to her sister.

"Anna, I promised that I would never keep secrets from you again. There is something about me that you need to know." Elsa took a deep breath. "I'm deeply, severely injured. And it will take time and help for me to heal." She looked sidelong at her sister, waiting for a reaction.

Anna looked back at her, clearly puzzled. "Injured? How? Where? You weren't touched by the arrows or Hans' sword...you were knocked out by that chandelier, but you've been fine since..." Elsa held up her hand.

"Not physically. Here." Elsa touched her hand to her head, then to her heart. "And here."

Anna shook her head. "Elsa, I'm slow today. I'm slow pretty much every day, but today seems to be a special slow day. What do you mean?"

Elsa closed her eyes, and leaned back on the bench. She never let go of Anna's hand, though. "Anna, I'm not trying to be melodramatic or self-indulgent. This has serious implications not just for me, but for you, and the entire kingdom. It goes to the heart of whether I can be an effective Queen, or will need to abdicate."

That last word left Anna feeling almost as chilled as she had been that day on the fjord. Abdicate? No, no, no, no, no! On her worst day, Elsa was a better Queen than Anna could ever hope to be! What is she talking about? "Elsa, you're overreacting, you're fine, you're doing a great job as Queen, I could never come close, you have got to be kidding..."

Turning to her sister, and grasping both her hands, Elsa tried to calm Anna down. "Anna. Please. Don't panic. We can get through this thing, together. But that's why I need you to understand what's going on. I need your help, again." Anna took a few deep breaths, then nodded.

Continuing, Elsa said, "When I said injured, I meant exactly that. Anna, if you think of everything we have gone through in the last 13 years, the amazing thing is that we are both still functional. Especially me. I'm not trying to minimize anything that's happened to you, believe me! But, objectively, in any real sense of the word, I am more damaged." Elsa grimaced. "Not that this is a contest." Anna started to protest, but Elsa stopped her. "I know, I know! I seem to be doing fine. The kingdom seems to be willing to give me the chance to be a good ruler; you and I are beginning to be real sisters again; I can even touch people without gloves on anymore!" Elsa raised their hands, still entwined, and held Anna's against her own cheeks. "Do you know how good that feels after all this time?" Elsa whispered.

She sat back again, her left hand holding Anna's right. She let out a deep sigh. "In public, I can be serene and regal, carrying on learned conversations with advisers and visiting dignitaries. Why, I can even mingle in the town marketplace without running away in fear. In public, I seem to be the very picture of good Queen Elsa." Another sigh. "In private, not so much. I have panic attacks. Usually after flashbacks to...certain events. I can hardly breathe. I curl up on the floor, trying to make myself as small as possible, crying uncontrollably. If I can get myself to sleep, I have nightmares about...certain events. My powers manifest themselves without my control. Sometimes, the guilt and shame is so overwhelming, I...I think that even abdication isn't enough to make it better."

Elsa hung her head. Anna's thoughts were whirling. She had no idea Elsa was going through this! Wait, what? Of course she didn't know...but NOW Elsa was telling her all of this. Because...she said she needed Anna's help!

"Elsa, what do you mean when you say abdication isn't enough? You can't mean you think you'd be better off de..." Anna couldn't finish the sentence. NO!

Elsa turned to look into Anna's eyes, pleading with her to understand. "Anna, this is hard for me. So very hard to admit all of this, to anyone. But, remember when you stepped in front of Hans' sword? There was a reason I made no move to escape that sword myself. I thought you were already dead, by my hand. In that moment, death was a welcome oblivion, a release from the guilt for everything I had done to you, right up to killing you. Those thoughts of release come back to me sometimes, when everything just seems so overwhelming." Tears formed in Elsa's eyes, but did not run down her cheeks. Yet.

Anna nodded, numb in her understanding. "What can I do? You said you needed my help."

Elsa released a long, shuddering breath. "I'm afraid I'm losing control again. I need to hide this from public eyes. Otherwise, political realities being what they are, you and the kingdom would be in danger if our enemies, or even some of our friends, thought that I was damaged goods, and they tried to take advantage of that. But I need to fix this. I need to share this with someone I can trust, someone who can help me work through this, and heal, if healing is possible. I need you to be my strength, when in the darkest night, despair is gnawing at my soul. That's why I'm sharing this with you."

"Oh, Elsa! Of course I'll be there for you." Anna exclaimed. "But, what exactly can I do?" Bandaging up a bloody cut from an arrow was simple. How do you heal something invisible?

"Just be there for me. I have no real idea how to work through this. But, maybe, if you and I spent time talking about everything that's happened, maybe the pain and fear would gradually diminish. If I felt safe, with you, talking about it, even if I broke down, you'd be there to help me deal with it, convince me that it couldn't hurt me anymore. You can help me safely face those frightening...events so I can regain control of that fear. We already know that 'Conceal, don't feel.' is a losing strategy." Elsa snorted. "That word, 'events'. That's a symptom; I'm avoiding speaking plainly. I need to just look that fear in the eye, and spit defiance in its face. But I can't do that alone, not yet. I need your courage again."

Anna started to assure Elsa, but Elsa stopped her. "Anna, I know you are willing. Heavens, compared to dying, this must seem simple! But it won't be. There'll be days I'll push you away, withdraw from you. You'll want to press me, but just let me have a little space, and let me know you'll still be there when I'm ready to talk. Don't get discouraged if I get angry, or annoyed, or seem indifferent. This won't be fixed in a day, or a week, or a month. I'm going to...WE'RE going to be working on this for a long while. And you will be the only one I can confide in, the only one who knows how vulnerable I am. This time, you'll be the one with a secret to protect, one that you can't share with anyone." Now the tears did fall.

Anna put her arm around Elsa's shoulders, and pulled her close, soothing her while she cried. "You and me, together, we'll always be together, you and me." She whispered. It was a silly little song they had made up when they were little.

Elsa looked up, wiping the tears from her cheeks, and answered, "Up or down together, princess crown together, always be together, you and me!" And for the first time in forever, Elsa felt optimistic about the future.

There was a low rumble; Anna's stomach was telling them lunch was overdue. Elsa had to laugh. "Come on! I'm sure we can convince the kitchen to feed us! Then I need to get to my meetings."

Anna laughed, too. "Better you than me! I'd rather muck out Sven's stall!" and the two sisters ran into the castle, into the future, hand in hand, together.

Author note for Chapter 2-A Walk In The Gardens

The happy ending in the movie was well earned, but leaves a whole bunch of questions unanswered. This chapter explores one such question, and what our heroines decide to do about it.

Jennifer Lee has admitted that Elsa has anxiety issues, at the very least. A superficial skimming of some medical sites might lead one to believe she has PTSD.

Unfortunately, in the early 19th century, There Are No Therapists, so the girls will have to figure it out on their own.