I ended up walking home. Scott was supposed to drive the jeep back to my place since werewolves can't get drunk. I knew that even if I were sober, I probably wouldn't be in shape to drive myself home, let alone be able to do it now. Drunk. So I walk.
It's almost as if the entire world stills. Derek stares at the notebook intently and I stare at him even more intently, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious.
Finally he looks up at me, and holy shit I've never seen Derek look so pissed off. And this is Derek we're talking about, Derek Hale.
"Who did this?" He asks.
I don't know why, but the question sets me off edge. I start shaking like I'm going to cry, which makes this the second time I've cried on my birthday. Derek's expression immediately softens, and he moves so he's sitting next to me.
"Hey, hey it's okay." He tells me, and comforting definitely isn't Derek's forte, but his words still calm me a bit.
I blink away the tears and let out a shuddering breath, turning to Derek.
"It was at Lydia's party."
Realization dawns on Derek's face.
I let out a choking sob and he gingerly takes my hand and I squeeze it, needing the comfort.
"I-I've been thinking, figuring out that maybe I…" I close my eyes and swallow, because hey, why not come out while we're at it "I like boys. I mean I like girls too, but also boys…maybe. I mean yeah, I like them both"
Derek's face shows no judgment, so I continue.
"And um, I was at Lydia's party. And I was alone and this boy came up to me-"
"Do you know who it was?" Derek asks, but I ignore him, because I need to finally get this off my chest, and I feel it's now or never.
"And he was c-cute and I was drunk and he said he wanted to talk to me but the music was too loud-"
I let out a laugh that could only be described as hysteric, "so stupid" I whisper, shaking my head as more tears fall. Derek squeezes my hand gently and I take a deep breath, continuing my story.
"So he brought me to hi-his truck, and we sat in the back," I run my free hand through my hair and look at Derek frantically, "I know how it sounds, but I didn't-" I shake my head again.
"Stiles this is in no way your fault." He says sternly and I avoid his glaze, needing to continue.
"And we talked about stupid shit like lacrosse and college and then at midnight he kissed me. And I was like wow finally someone likes me. The last person who kissed me was my lifelong friend and she was murdered minutes later. So I k-kissed him back and then-and then he was on top of me, and he tried to undo my belt but I moved his hand, because that was t-too much for me. But then he tried again and I moved his hand again. I didn't even think about it I thought he was caught up in the moment, ya know? Then on the third fucking time I finally said something, but he ignored me. And I told him to get off, and I hit his chest, and I tried. I wanted to scream but he put his hand over my mouth and then he was pulling down my pants a-and his and then he…. I closed my eyes but it hurt so much, oh god it hurt, and it was my first time and I didn't want it. I didn't! I was crying and pleading and then he finished and he smiled at me. I was shaking and crying and bleeding and he fucking smiled at me!"
I'm in hysterics now and Derek wraps his arms around me, and I cling to him like my life depends on it, sobbing into his shoulder.
"And then I tried to call the cops. But when they answered it's like I couldn't form words. I kept thinking help me, he's here, he-he hurt me, but I couldn't say anything.
A-and now. Now he's-. His name is Andy Evans. He's dating Lydia." I sob into his shoulder, and Derek stiffens, but waits for me to calm down before he speaks.
"He's dating Lydia-" another look of realization, "that's why you had the panic attack last week, and why you wanted to know about betas?"
I nod, and wipe at my eyes, too upset to feel embarrassed for crying.
He nods to himself before looking back up at me, I must look like hell.
"Don't worry. We're going to do something, okay?"
I nod and he runs his hands up and down my arms in an attempt to calm me.
"Does anybody else know?" He asks and I shake my head.
"No, just you."
Derek opens his mouth to say something but is cut off by my phone chiming.
It's a text from my dad, 'where are you?'
I reply to him that I'm on my way home.
"I'm sorry, I have to go." I tell him and he nods, scooting his chair away from me.
"Are you okay driving home or do you need a ride?" He asks as I put the sketchbook and pencils away in my backpack.
"I can manage, don't worry. Thanks for everything."
He nods again, and I slide the front door open.
"Stiles?"
I turn back around.
"What made you decide to tell me?" He asks, and I shrug.
"I knew you'd listen."
I try to focus on the road when I drive home, but it's hard. I have a million thoughts fluttering through my mind. It feels good to finally have the truth off my chest though.
"Hey, happy birthday kiddo." My dad greets me as I walk into the living room and I smile at him.
"Are you alright? You look like a mess."
I laugh because aint that the truth. I'm a mess inside and out.
"Stiles?" He asks again and I just hug him, I cling to him and I let the waterworks flow.
My dad is startled, but he immediately hugs me back, rocking me in place slowly.
"Hey, hey. Shhh, it's okay." He coos and I cry harder.
"No, it's not. Nothings okay."
My dad holds me tighter and we just stay like that for a bit until I calm.
When we finally separate, he looks at me with concerned eyes.
"Stiles, you need to tell me what's wrong, okay? You need to tell me so I can fix it."
I shake my head desperately, wishing more than anything I hadn't had my stupid breakdown.
"Later. But not right now, not today. Right now I just want to order Chinese food and eat cake." My dad looks at me wearily and nods. I can tell he wants to push the issue, but he doesn't, thankfully. He probably realizes what a progress it is for me to address theirs and issue in the first place.
It's too late anyway.
The damage is done.
Nothing can take back what he did.
We eat noodles and eggrolls and have red velvet cake for dessert. I even let my dad have a second slice. After dinner my dad gives me an All Time Low t-shirt and a card with 100 bucks tucked in it, but it still doesn't feel like my birthday.
Right before bed I fetch the sketchbook out of my backpack, and with a pair of scissors I carefully cut out the first page, and fold it up neatly, tucking it away in one of the unused pockets in my backpack.
Even though the food coma should settle in, it doesn't, and I don't find myself falling asleep until the early hours of the morning.
Then my alarm clock jostles me from my sleep; I try to remember the events from last night. Were they a dream? Or did I actually tell someone?
It feels too surreal knowing my secret is out there, but I trust Derek not to tell anyone.
During Chemistry I can tell Scott is contemplating whether or not he should talk to me, so I dash out of class as soon as the bell rings, hoping to escape him in case he makes up his mind.
Of course, it's Friday, so I have to go to counseling with Morrell, again. Even if I were ready to speak, I wouldn't want it to be with her.
"Ah yes, Milczacy, right on time."
"Stiles." I whisper.
She immediately sits up upon hearing my voice.
"I'm sorry?" She asks for clarification.
"Stiles. Call me Stiles."
She nods, immediately writing something down.
"Of course, Stiles. Any reason why you're choosing now to tell me this?"
I don't point out that she already knew I go by Stiles.
I sit on the chair across from her and wrap my arms around my knees, choosing not to respond.
I couldn't.
But that was okay, because I didn't need to. She knew the answer already, it was probably in the same 'Psychology for Dummies book' she got her stupid questions from.
I was making progress. Baby steps, but progress nonetheless.
I spend the period reading the inspiration quotes framed on the wall, and drowning out any background noise.
AKA Morrell's voice.
I can't wait for the day to be over, I just want to see Derek. Well, theirs a sentence I never thought would cross my mind.
When the bell rings at the end of the day, I all but run to my locker.
I don't speed while driving there though, because my dad is an officer of the law, and I owe it to him to set a good example.
That, and the traffic is terrible.
When I make it to the loft, I have to fight myself from running inside.
It doesn't matter anyway though, since Derek isn't there.
And Scott and Isaac are.
"Don't worry he'll be back soon." Isaac greets me and I smile at him in thanks. It doesn't stop me from feeling twitchy and anxious though. I don't understand why, exactly though. I mean it makes sense, I told Derek my deepest, life-changing secret, and then had to run off. Now we can actually talk about it, sit down and figure out what to do, hopefully. I'm not sure yet how Derek will react, what Derek will do. This doesn't completely explain my sweaty palms or fidgeting, but it's a contributing factor.
I take a seat on the couch since Isaac and Scott have claimed the table, and chew on my nails, hoping Derek won't take too long to come home.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, "Stiles?"
I flinch and immediately pull away, I start panting, my eyes widened in fear.
Scott pulls back his hand like I burnt him, but I don't have it in me to feel sorry.
Isaac watches us from the table and his eyes widen as if he's figuring something out.
Just then the door slides open, and Derek walks in. He must immediately notice my panic, because he glares at Scott.
"Get away from him!"
Scott looks at him, confused.
"I didn't do anything."
"Doesn't matter. Just give him space."
I can tell Scott wants to say more, but a glare from Derek is enough to stop him, and he backpedals.
I take a deep breath and look at Derek with grateful eyes. I can tell he knows I want to talk about last night, but obviously we can't do that with Isaac and Scott here.
He sits next to me on the couch, and I play with a loose string on the bottom of my backpack, for once just wishing Isaac and Scott had plans.
After a few minutes that feel like forever, Derek turns to me, and when our eyes meet he juts his head to the side, gesturing to the front door. I immediately understand, and nod, grabbing my backpack as we walk outside.
I slide into the passenger seat of his FJ Cruiser. The Camaro seemed more…Derek, but the Cruiser reminds me of my jeep.
Derek starts the car and starts driving aimlessly, both of us waiting for the other to speak.
"When I had my pack, or well, Erica and Boyd" he begins, breaking the silence but not the tension, "I was all about action. Not thought. I-" He muses his word choice for a moment "I didn't think ahead. It was my Achilles heel."
Is-is Derek Hale talking to me about his…faults? Emotions? Is this real life?
I move my head from where it's resting on the window, and turn to look at him, "Why are you telling me this?"
He smirks, which is the closest Derek gets to a smile.
"Because I knew you'd listen." He tells me, the same thing I said to him yesterday.
I raise and eyebrow at him and jut out my chin.
"My point is that, even though I want to tear that jackass's-"
"Throat out with your teeth."
"Actually I was gonna say tear that jackass's balls off."
I shudder at the seriousness in his voice.
"But I'm going to fight the urge to kill and maim that son of a bitch for hurting you-"
I'm glad he doesn't use the R-word. I can't even use the R-word yet; I'd hate to hear someone else say it. "Because that won't solve anything. Well, it would. But it's not the right thing to do." He finishes.
"Predators, not killers." I whisper, remember the words he quoted lifetimes ago.
Derek turns to me, and I want to tell him to put his eyes back on the road, but theirs this look on his face I've never seen before. I almost want to memorize it just to understand it. Thankfulness? Awe? I can't describe it.
"You need to tell someone."
"I already did, remember? That's kind of why we're having this conversation."
He actually laughs, I've known Derek for a good year and I don't think I've ever heard him genuinely laugh before. I thought he was allergic to it.
"You're laughing." I state, as if we had just stumbled upon the Holy Grail or something.
"Yeah and you're being sarcastic."
I'm about to tell him that's kind of my thing, nothing rare. Usually hated by him, and the general public sans one Scott McCall, but then I remembered.
"Honestly, I forgot for a second. " I tell him, things had felt normal again. I had felt normal again. And the conversation suddenly feels less lighthearted, grimmer.
"You need to tell someone. Someone who isn't me. Your dad, a teacher, someone who can do something…. And Lydia, Lydia needs to know.
"I don't want to tell my dad. I mean he'll have to know eventually, but not yet."
"That's okay, we'll wait until you're ready…. You know this is the most I've heard you say all year." It's not the best segue, but I can tell he wants to address the matter.
"Yeah, it's the most I've said all year, not just to you…but to anyone."
Derek nods and silence fills the car for a few minutes, shockingly, I break it, wanting to elaborate.
To speak.
"I don't know why…but ever since it happened. Ever since I called the cops… It's like I've been, I don't know, afraid. Afraid to speak. I can't explain."
"No, I understand."
"People started to notice. I have to see Morrell on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. And if that doesn't work then my dad wants to send me back to the shrink we had when my mom died."
Derek nods, "Would that be such a bad thing?" He asks, noticing the distain in my voice, and I give him a pointed look.
"I think I'm making improvement. I mean, I can talk to you-" I whisper the last part, "I feel safe talking to you."
He nods and gives me another look I can't describe. I never knew Derek was capable of facial expressions past scowling or glaring.
I rest the side of my forehead on the window again and watch the trees pass by.
After a few minutes, I break the silence one last time.
"I'll tell Lydia."
A/N: Holy crap you guys, I got 20 reviews on the last chapter! TWENTY! I remember uploading it and thinking "I hope I hit 70" and now I'm up to 83! As a thank you I made this chapter extra long and extra Sterek, and tried to get it up quickly. And yaaay Stiles actually talked this chapter, like a lot! Also, fun fact: when reading the car scene, I recommend playing "Wait" by M83, it's what I listened to when I wrote it and I think it fits.