A word that I've seen pop up in several descriptions and stories is the word, "Baby." Usually this is a story about one main character having to raise the now baby version of another character, mostly for adorable consequences. So based on that and a Jeff Foxworth's route about how men turn into babies when they're sick, this short was formed. Oh and bonus fact, this started out as an Omake for my series, Not Your Friendly Neighborhood Uzumaki. So with all that in mind, I proudly present:
Three Akatsuki and a Baby!
In one of the Akatsuki's secret bases, because having just one would be silly, four of the world's most powerful missing-nin were gathered together in person to discuss a very pressing problem.
"Kisame has contracted the Baby Transformation flu," Pein explained to his three subordinates.
"Baby Transformation flu?" Diedara repeated.
"Yes, its an extremely rare type of flu that has a one in a million chance of turning whoever contracts it into a baby for a week."
"How would a virus cause somebody to turn into a baby?" Diedara asked.
"Damn it Diedara, I'm the leader of a secret organization, not a medic-nin." Pein replied.
"So Kisame is now..." Kakuzu began but was cut off by an ear shattering wail. The orange haired leader reacted quickly by racing into the next room and shoving a bottle into baby Kisame's mouth to shut him up. Baby Kisame looked exactly like regular Kisame only as a baby.
"A baby," Pein finished. "I've sent Sasori to Itachi to take Kisame's place; while they're gone I'm leaving you three to take care of baby Kisame."
"Why isn't Konan doing this?" Hidan cursed.
"I'm worried she might fall in love with the baby," Pein explained, "and it would break her heart if the child she was taking care of grew up to be Kisame."
"What about Zetsu?" Deidara asked.
"Zetsu loves sushi and baby back ribs."
"What does that...oh." Deidara began before realizing what Pein meant.
"Why all three of us?" Hidan asked.
"Because I said so, goodbye." And with that Pein disappeared in a poof of smoke as he used his Animal Path to summoned him away.
"Well I guess we're babysitting, how bad could it be?" Deidara asked.
Feeding Kisame
"Here comes the train looking for the tunnel." Deidara began moving a spoonful of food toward Kisame, but the baby kept his mouth shut. "Here comes the ninja returning to his village," Deidara tried again, and again Kisame's mouth stayed closed. "Here comes the wounded fish flopping toward the shark." Kisame smiled very big and leapt out of his high-chair and engulfed the food, the spoon, and Deidara's hand all in one shot. The blond bomber leapt up and started running around, flailing his arms wildly and screaming, "He's biting my hand, he's biting my hand!"
"Bite him back!" Kakuzu shouted. Deidara opened his opposite hand's mouth and started biting baby Kisame's butt. The two Akasuki members ended up kicking up a cloud of dust as they fought to make the other one stop biting first.
Reading to Kisame
Kisame laid in bed hugging his teddy bear, with Kakuzu reading him a bedtime story. "Once upon a time there were three sharks, a mommy shark, a papa shark and a baby shark named Kisame."
"Does anybody else think its weird that Kisame already had a story book and a teddy bear available?" Hidan asked, after Kakuzu had finished his story and closed the door to the now sleeping Kisame's room.
"No," Kakuzu responded pulling his own heavily stitched teddy bear out from behind his back.
"I call mine Smokey," Deidara stated, as he held up his brown bear wearing a tan hat.
"Jashin help me you and your bears are weird," the follower of Jashin swore as he walked off.
"Don't listen to him Mr. Wuvums," Kakuzu said gently stroking his bear, "He's just jealous I don't like him as much as you."
Sleeping Kisame
Kisame slept peacefully in his bed after Kakuzu's bedtime story. Silently at the foot of the bed a two colored shadow rose and began to whisper to itself.
"We should cover him in paprika and smoke him for hours," the white side whispered.
"No, we should carefully slice him up and serve him as sashimi," the black side argued.
"Smoke."
"Sashimi."
"Smoke!"
"Sashimi!"
"Sashimi!" the white side shouted.
"I'm glad we agree," the black side stated happily.
"That's not how its supposed to work!"
"You're just mad you lost."
"Didn't you used to have a hand?" the white side asked.
"What?" the black side held up its arm...without a hand on it. "What happened?!"
"I think it happened," the white side pointing to the strange beast made up of a handle, a mass of spikes, and one large tooth filled mouth.
"What is it?" the black side asked.
"I think that's Samehada." The transformed blade growled at the spilt plant man and then swallowed the hand that it had cut off to prove its point.
"It ate my hand!" the black side shrieked.
"I think we should go."
"It ate my hand!"
"And it still looks hungry." The blade growled and started to crawl toward the plant man.
"You're right, lets get out of here!" The black side shouted, and with that they quickly sank back into the floor and got as far away as possible. Unfortunately, the shout was loud enough to wake the shark baby and start him bawling. Hidan, having drawn the short straw, raced into the room to find Kisame crying at nothing with his sword leaning up against the wall.
"Aw, is little Kisame afraid of the dark? Does the big bad shark-nin need a night light?" Hidan taunted. "Does gill breath want me to check for monsters under..." CHOMP! Hidan started shrieking in pain as a transformed Samehada bit down on Hidan's arm. "Kakuzu! Kisame's sword's trying to eat me!" The Jashinist raced out of the room to find his teammates, leaving a giggling Kisame behind.
Singing to Kisame
Hidan sat in a rocker and began singing to Kisame, keeping an eye on the giant sword in the corner, the one he could swear was smirking.
"Rock-a-bye Kisame in our hidden base,
When we rule the world, it'll put a smile on your face.
When we get the Bijuu, the elemental nations will fall,
And down will come our enemies, Kiri and all."
Hidan smiled to himself, sure that his song had put the tiny shark baby to sleep, instead Kisame had shoved his tiny fingers in his ears to block out the sound.
"Well what do you know about good music you little crap sack?"
SEVERAL DAYS LATER:
"Ah, Kisame I see you've made a full recovery." Pein stated as he stared at the restored shark-nin.
"Yep, I'm back to my old self. Do you want me to catch up to Itachi to catch the Kyuubi brat?"
"No, you have a much more important mission to perform."
"What's that?"
"Your teammates seem to have caught the flu you had so you're going to have to take care of them."
"Why can't Konan do it?"
"Because I said so, goodbye." And with that Pein disappeared in a poof of smoke as his Animal Path summoned him away, again. Kisame sighed and walked into the next room to see his three teammates...as babies. Baby Hidan was busy preparing to sacrifice his new teddy bear to Jashin, Baby Kakuzu was playing with his toy cash register, and Baby Diedara crawled over to Kisame and pulled on his cloak.
"I made boom-boom," Diedara stated. Kisame sighed, picked Diedara up, and carried him to the next room to change him. When that was done, Kisame returned Diedara to his fellow babies and looked for a place to get rid of the filled diaper. Baby Diedara giggled happily or maybe cackled evilly and then put his hands together in a familiar handsign, "Katsu!"
Kisame's eyes widened as the diaper glowed and then exploded.
And with that our story ends, we've had our bang, anything after it would just be messy.