Chapter 12: Realizations

The sun was warm on my face as I slowly drifted awake. Somewhere to my left I could hear something small rustling in the underbrush. A rabbit maybe? The sound of the stream trickling along tried to lull me back to sleep but consciousness filtered back in little by little.

Why was I sleeping outside?

Why was I sleeping outside naked?

Bits and pieces of the night before came back to me as sleep slipped further and further away.

I remembered running—running away. Not from Embry. I'd been running from myself and my own fucked up brain. That was pretty stupid really.

I rolled onto my back and scrubbed my hands over my face, trying again in vain to sort out the jumble in my head. I raked my fingers through my hair as I sat up to dislodge the pine needles. I crouched by the stream and splashed the cold water over my face to help wash away the last bit of sleep—better than coffee.

Something hit me in the back, putting my wolf instantly on alert, but I quickly recognised it was Sam and relaxed again.

"You alright?" he asked as I picked up the shorts he'd thrown at me and put them on.

I nodded, turning to face where he leaned against a tree a few feet from where I had been sleeping. There was no way he could have been there before I'd gone down to the stream, even as fried as I was, I knew my senses weren't that fucked up.

"You scared the hell out of Quil," Sam said with a quirked eyebrow as if he expected me to just start spilling my guts. I couldn't help but laugh at that. I can only imagine what Quil had thought was going down. He would have at least told Sam what he'd picked up from me while he was still phased; I'd guess since Sam had come to find me he'd been phased until I had settled on the stream bank.

"I guess that makes two of us then," I snorted. Sam padded forward to the bank barefoot, meaning he'd run out to find me. We sat on the edge of the stream, the burbling of the water the only sound for a long drawn out moment.

"What happened?" Sam finally asked. His question wasn't a demand or dripping with sympathy, it was simply an invitation for me to start talking.

"I freaked the fuck out and I just needed to run," I huffed.

"Yeah, I got that much from Quil," Sam said. "Did Embry push you?" He was clearly not entirely comfortable with that idea himself; I could feel his tension and anxiousness beside me.

"No! Fuck, no, Sam. That's the thing," I sighed. "He didn't push at all. I wanted..." I reigned in that thought before I over shared. "It wasn't him. It's all in my fucking head."

We sat quietly another moment.

"You've been pretty clear on how you feel about imprinting in general, but Emily and I are happy, Paul. It's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know the situation with you and Embry is different, but I just thought that, I don't know, that it might help for you to hear that," Sam said with a heavy sigh and clapped his hand down on my shoulder. "I wish there were more I could say to help you."

"Thanks, Sam. I'm working through it," I admitted more to myself than to him.

And it was true. I had actually come to some pretty clear realizations during all the turmoil. Spending time with Embry, despite being confusing as hell, felt good—it felt right. I didn't fucking care that he was a dude. I knew that we'd face trouble from people like Jared, and that sucked, but I knew now that I would always have Emb's back, and that he'd have mine too, if it came to it.

I fucking wanted him. I couldn't pretend anymore that I didn't. I was even starting to think that having someone there for me no matter what shit went down, forever, wasn't such a scary fucking idea after all.

Almost.

"Come on, Emily should have breakfast ready soon," Sam said, slapping me on the back and getting to his feet.

We phased and headed back to the Res. I had run further than I realised and the trek back took a while. I knew it was useless to try and keep my mind off what had happened between Emb and I that had caused my melt down. Sam was understanding and tried to keep me focused on other things. He relayed the latest news about the new wolf while we ran. Quil had scented him again last night before I had shown up. Sam said he wasn't sure but that he thought it might be Seth Clearwater. The poor kid was only thirteen.

This new phase of this crazy imprint thing was the hardest to deal with yet. I couldn't be in the same room as Embry without wanting to jump him. He was like a fire that burned just below the surface of my skin. We had given up pretending that this wasn't sexual; there was no way to deny it. I was rock-fucking-hard for him all the fucking time and spending time with him when the others were around was pure torture.

We hadn't spent any time alone together since two nights before when playing video games had turned into a dangerously serious make-out session. I didn't trust myself to be alone with him since then, honestly. My brain shut down completely around him and all I could think about was fucking; about being fucked. When I was able to think straight I knew I still wasn't fully ready to accept the imprint, which is why I wouldn't let myself be alone with him.

We were walking back from the beach where we'd been tossing the football around before we met back at Sam and Emily's to eat. As long as someone else was around we were able to keep ourselves in check, but we'd fallen a little behind the rest of the pack who were joking and laughing, and basically ignoring that we weren't right with them—probably intentionally giving us some space.

Jared broke off to head home to Kim once we hit Sam's driveway and the rest of the guys went right up the stairs and in through the front door. Emb grabbed me as soon as the door banged shut behind Quil and pushed me up against the side of the house under the kitchen window, his mouth attacking mine before my back hit the siding. He grabbed me on either side of my face and kissed me hard, licking and biting and tasting; his hands roaming down my body, touching and grabbing and holding. It was pure fucking ecstasy. He was everywhere and I couldn't get enough of it. It was rough and hard and desperate; too much and not even close to being enough at the same fucking time.

"Fuck, I've wanted to do that all day," he growled into my neck before biting down on a tendon. I choked back the moan that tried to escape; with three other wolves sitting just on the other side of the wall we didn't really have much privacy to speak of.

"Jesus, would you two just do it and get it over with?" Quil laughed from the porch, pulling us abruptly back to reality. We'd been so wrapped up in each other that we hadn't noticed that he and Jacob had come back outside, and were standing leaning over the porch railing. We both jumped at the sound of Quil's voice, panting as we pulled ourselves together.

"Embry, Sam wants us to run a quick perimeter before we eat. Let's go," Quil said still laughing and bounding down the steps. Emb smirked at me cockily as he walked backwards toward the tree line. He turned around after a few steps but turned back before he disappeared into the trees after Quil, maybe to see if I was still watching, which of course I was.

"What are you doing, Paul?" Jacob asked once they were out of ear shot.

"Can it, Black, I don't want to hear your shit," I said and laid my head back against the house, needing a minute before I was ready to go inside. I had automatically jumped on the defensive whenever Embry came up since my fight with Jared, who hadn't spoken to me much outside pack business since, which really made working together a fucking joy.

"Seriously? You're practically gagging for it. Why don't you cut yourself and him some slack already; it's not like you to drag your feet when it comes to sex," he said more serious than I had ever seen him before.

"It's not really that simple," I huffed. Jacob and I weren't really that close and I wasn't exactly comfortable talking to him about my potential sex life with Embry.

"Isn't it? Come on, man. A blind man could see that you've already accepted him, Paul. You're just torturing yourselves," he stopped and gave me a meaningful look, "and everyone else around you," he scoffed. "It's not hard to see where this is headed."

I sat down on the stairs, scrubbing my fingers through my hair; he made a good point. Jacob sat down next to me.

"You could do a lot worse," he offered.

"Yeah, I know," I agreed without hesitation. "Why do you care all of a sudden?" I asked looking over at him curiously.

"I don't want this to end with Emb getting hurt; he's practically my brother." The way Jake said brother made me wonder if he knew the truth.

I huffed a derisive laugh, "Yeah, practically." The sarcasm in my tone was impossible to miss, and Jake pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows at me, pretty much confirming that he did know Embry was his half brother.

We sat for a few minutes before either of us spoke again. Having the truth out there between us was a little overwhelming; it was clear that neither of us knew what to do with it.

"Does he know?" Jake finally asked quietly. It was obvious he was trying to keep his voice low enough not to be overheard.

"He won't talk about it. His mom hasn't told him though; she won't. Have you talked to Billy about it?" I questioned Jake; I had a hard time even thinking about Billy without my blood pressure rising since I'd found out he was Embry's father and had denied him his whole life.

"No. Just enough for him to not confirm it when I asked about it. He didn't deny it either, but the more I thought about it the more obvious it became." He paused, picking at the dirt under his finger nails. "My dad cheated on my mom when she was pregnant with me and my best friend is actually my brother...and I thought turning into a wolf at will was completely fucked up," he shrugged and laughed.

I laughed with him. It was that or get pissed off about something I couldn't do anything about, and really, it was pretty fucking funny.

"Alright ladies, quit your gossiping and get in here before the grub is gone," Quil said through the screen door. I hadn't realised that Jacob and I had been talking long enough for Quil and Embry to have gotten back from their perimeter run already.

That night I laid awake, staring at the ceiling, reflecting on the last few weeks. I knew that I was able to set the terms of whatever relationship—relationship? fuck!—that I would have with Embry, but I couldn't deny that I was drawn to him physically—sexually. I spent far more time thinking about him than I ever had any girl. I craved being close to him, but it was more than that. I wanted all of the things he said he'd do to me if I submitted to him.

I thought over the conversation I had with Jake. He was right in a way; I had already come to terms with the imprint and my feelings for Emb, even if I hadn't accepted it fully and given myself to him. The more I thought about it the more I came to realize that I liked the idea of belonging to someone unconditionally, and of belonging to him specifically.

The idea of letting him fuck me had been a mental stumbling block for me at first, but the longer I spent thinking about it, the more I came to realize that was how it had to be, and I'd actually come to like the idea—thinking about it made me hard. The last week had shown that the physical side of this could be explosive if we let it; we had hardly been able to keep our hands off each other. I wanted him to fuck me; to claim me as his.

I turned my head to look at the clock on the bedside table. 4:26 am. I wasn't going to get any sleep at all. I needed to talk to him again, but I was starting to realize for myself that I was nearly ready to accept the imprint on his terms. I was fucking antsy, and almost called him despite the crazy early hour—it wasn't even light out yet.

I decided on a run instead. There wouldn't be anyone on patrol until 6:00, and running through the trees at top speed always helped to clear my mind.

I tied a pair of athletic shorts to my ankle and crept down the hall and out the back door, careful not to step on the creaky spot in the kitchen so the old man wouldn't wake up and rag on me about sneaking out again. I walked across the back yard to the tree line, not caring about walking around naked in the dark and phased as soon as I was hidden from any potential onlookers.

I ran hard, pushing myself until I could feel the burn in my legs and lungs, and stopped at the top of Strawberry Bay Falls just as the sun started to lighten the sky. I drank from the stream feeding the falls and sat quietly listening to the water pour over the cliff. A sense of calm that I hadn't felt in months swept over me. Everything fell into place. It didn't matter that Embry was a guy or if I was straight or gay or what-the-fuck-ever. It didn't matter that it was some fucked up mystical wolf voodoo that had brought us together. It didn't matter what Jared or anyone else would think. All that mattered was that he was the key to feeling whole, and all I had to do was let go and give in to what he wanted—what I wanted. I needed to see him more than I had before I left, but I was far less anxious and panicked on my return trip, taking my time.

I was nearly back to the Res. when I felt someone phase in—Jacob—making me realize it must be 6:00.

''Morning, Paul.' I felt his curious greeting radiate toward me through our linked minds. 'Everything alright, man?' the concern was so evident in his thoughts I could visualize his frantic worried facial expression to go along with it. Everyone knew about my running off in a panic last week.

'Yeah, everything's cool. I just couldn't sleep,' I projected back to him, focusing on my surroundings rather than my destination. He knew all about what was going on between Embry and I, hell, he'd been the one that had got me thinking so hard about it last night, but I still wanted to keep my decision from him for now. It was between Emb and I; it wasn't really anyone else's business.

'Anything interesting? How far did you run?' he asked.

'Not far. Just out to the falls and back. Nothing out of the ordinary.' I was getting close to Embry's place, and stopped back a little way with nothing but trees around and kept my eyes on the ground—nothing to give Jake a clue as to where I was. Without being physically there to see where I was he could easily think it was near my own house. 'Right, I'm out.'

'Okay, try and get some shut eye, man. You seem tired,' Jacob suggested. I suppose I had been so high strung lately that my calmness would be noticeable, but being tired wasn't the reason behind my change of mood.

I phased out and pulled on my shorts, walking the rest of the way through the trees.

I waited in the trees behind his place until I heard his Mom's car back out of the driveway and pull down the street. The sun had only been up a little over an hour. I was tired, and fucking starving, but I needed to see him first before I dealt with anything else.

I had been there enough to know that, like many other families on the Res. they didn't lock their back door. I let myself in and walked silently down the hall to his room. I could tell from his breathing and heart rate that he wasn't deeply asleep—just starting to wake up.

Perfect.