Thank you for the review. I will warn you if I decide to change the rating.
FYI, I may or may not have listened to Ellie Goulding the entire time...ok, I did. But there was some other songs too! Do not judge me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Shengeki no Kyojin.
It had been months...no, close to a year since she had last seen her squad. And Levi.
He was a wanted man, an outcast. He was used to that. But what worried her was the commander had not received a message from him lately. Eren and Historia had successfully been retrieved and was now on the run with the rest of the Survey Corps. The only way she found that out was when she snuck into the commander's office and read his papers. She wasn't supposed to. Those were highly classified documents, after all.
Ingrid's hair had grown long again, but not as long as it was before. Her skin had lost its callouses. She was a 'lady' once again and she looked pampered and prim. She never went hungry and was never truly alone. Her brothers visited often with their children and often made her leave the house that she shared with Erwin.
Erwin.
The commander had been her husband for a while now and he had kept true to his word: on her own time. Though, they did share a bed. Her nightmares and his understanding of them had made the arrangement seem harmless enough. They never really touched each other. They were barely husband and wife. They didn't even share a kiss on their wedding had tried to touch his hand or rest her head on his chest when they slept, but all she could think about was the betrayal in the blue eyes of the captain. How dare she touch him, how dare she even get close to him.
She stopped touching the commander. He didn't even notice the changes and went on with life.
The wedding happened in a blur, along with the first couple of months of the marriage. First, they 'buried' Agnes, then she went to her new home, which thanks to the gods, was well-built, but not over the top home. Erwin was never for the high living any way. He only did with what was necessary.
Usually her nightmares were about Levi. Levi in a titan's mouth, Levi being crushed under their feet...Levi being killed by the central military police. Firing squad usually. But not tonight. He was hanging. He hung there, mouth open, eyes wide, but nothing reflecting in them. It was horrible.
She sat up quickly, the scream catching in her mouth, sounding like a gasp. Looking around wildly with large, green eyes, she struggled for air and her composure. Levi...
She covered her face with her hands and stifled her sobs. She didn't want to wake the commander and have his questions make her feel even weaker than she was or make her feel ashamed for loving a man who was not her husband. She took deep even breaths and composed herself. Wiping away the tears, she slowly placed her feet on the ground, careful to not move the large man next to her. She didn't need him.
Ingrid felt the goose-flesh take over her body when her feet touched the exceptionally cold floor and bit back a yelp. It may be a modest home, but there was still stone flooring. She reminded herself to put a rug there later.
She knew he was awake before he rolled over to see if she was there. She had already wrapped her house coat around her. It was getting cold and winter was going to make its appearance any day now. She swallowed thickly. She could just hear Jean making a stupid comment and Hange and Armin thinking of ways to survive the winter. Sasha probably ate all the winter stock already. Yeah, Ingrid was sure.
When would this war be over? When would they be able to return to their families and go back to the way it was before the titan's broke through Wall Maria? Never...she thought resentfully.
She found herself in front of the window in Erwin's office. He was getting to careless, there was paperwork all over the desk. The kind that needed to be put into the fire-place. This was how she knew if her squad was still alive. She pushed a couple of them around, smiling when she found a note from Levi, complaining that Eren was about to be stabbed if he didn't stop his whining about having to stay put. The way the writing was clean and the message straight to the point almost made it seem like he was there.
How ironic. She had been so in love with Erwin all her life and she finally had him, but now, all she wanted and an unconventional, rude, and blunt man who was out in the woods, hiding from certain death, with who know how much supplies.
She stopped when she found another note. Her breath hitched and she felt the tears well in her eyes. Levi was hurt...shot in the face. She could see it, Hange trying to mend the wound with minimal medicinal supplies and Levi putting on a brave face, though the pain would be overwhelming.
"I figured you were looking at my papers."
She jumped and remained frozen. Damn, damn, damn. Now he was going to be mad. She looked over her shoulder and saw a disheveled Erwin, bags under his eyes. He must have had a nightmare too. That wasn't uncommon.
"You are getting careless with what you are leaving around, commander. If they had raided the house tonight, they would know where Squad Levi was." She looked back at the papers, setting them down with nimble fingers.
He gave her a half-hearted smile and nodded in agreement. "I apologize. That is careless of me. The issue is that I have not made it through all that paper work. I should hide it."
Almost in a desperate voice she came up with a better idea. "I will help you. I can help, you know. I was much better at this than fighting titans. I can still be useful."
The smile turned sad and his head shook slowly, making her heart drop. "I'm sorry Ingrid. I can't allow you to get involved. For all the central police know is that you are some poor drop out and your family ironically married you off to me." He looked at where his right arm would be and grasped the shoulder. "They think because I am no longer able to fight like I used to, that I am useless. Not all though..."He spaced off into thought. "No, I am sorry, I cannot let you get more involved that you already are, for your safety."
"Because Avery asked you too?" She asked bitterly. He never did things because he wanted to protect the others. It was always because her brother had asked him to be more careful. That way when things turned to shit, she would be spared.
His brows knitted together and he watched her with a blank stare. "You don't think very highly of me do you, Ingrid?"
She had to pause and think about it. No, not entirely. But he wasn't a complete monster. She just knew that everything he did was to cover his ass or to help his 'cause', what ever it was. All she knew is that he was trying to take down the government and name Historia queen, making her a puppet to the Survey Corps and the Garrison Regiment. "I don't think much about you any more." She admitted silently, her heart breaking, even though she had come to this conclusion a long time ago. It hurt to say it. She just missed being a soldier, becoming stronger and not relying on her brothers to survive. She missed the wings of freedom that used to adorn her uniform. Now she had nothing. She was just a civilian.
"That surprisingly makes me sad to hear that. I want you to be happy." He sounded sincere, but she knew that he was good at putting on a face. "Do you still blame me for Agnes's death?"
Actually, that was one thing she had come to terms with. There was no one to blame but the titan that took him down and ate his legs. Even if they were to get out of there with him, he would have never had survived the night. It was a mercy that she broke his ribs, like he said. "No." She shook her head slightly. "I just don't want to live a lie any more."
He approached her, leaving an proper amount of space between them. "As in?"
She closed her eyes and knocked her knuckles on the desk. "This marriage, this façade I have to keep up all the time. It is nothing but lies. I think I would be better if this was all orders and that I knew that I was actually just here to help in the long run, but I just sit here. I think it makes me resent you. I mean, it has almost been a year and I dream that my squad is eaten or they hang in the gallows, all for the sake of your pride."
His only hand reached her cheek and cupped it sternly, but not too hard to make it seem like he was mad. "Ingrid, you are not a pawn. We made you leave because we didn't want that for you. I married you as a favor, yes, but I can't think of a better person to be married too, when I really think about it. You have enough dignity to keep yourself intact, but also enough strength to be vulnerable. You are stronger than you give your self credit for and I don't want you to ever think that you are just a piece in the game. You are more than that." He said in his calm and calculating way.
"I want to believe that more than anything, I really do." She let the tears roll. "But I will never know when you lie to me or when you are telling me the truth. You are cruel, Erwin Smith, you know that?"
He let his hand drop, his eyes never leaving hers. She always knew she could be honest with him, he always knew any way. "The worse thing is that if it wasn't me, it would be some one else."
He had a point. If he wasn't the one trying to lead this rebellion, than it would be some one else and maybe some one who didn't understand strategy and more lives would have been lost. "I'm sorry, I didn't think about that."
"Never apologize to me. By the time this is all over, I will be lucky to be alive and even luckier to keep you next to me. Ingrid, as much as I don't show it, I do love you, just not like you need me to, but there is love there and I will protect you when the time comes. There was a some one I chose titans over once and she isn't here with me any more. I never told any one, but when I dream, I just see her head in the mouth of a titan. Please believe me when I say that it hurts me to see you so miserable."
She teared up and clutched her fist. "I want to see them one more time, just once. I want to know if Jean and Connie are still alive. I want to see Mikasa happy to see Eren and listen to Hange's theories and Armin look at her as if she speaks golden words. I miss them." I want to kiss Levi one more time and tell him how sorry I am for being weak.
He shook his head and took her hand. "I am sorry my poor wife, but you can't. When it is over, we will have them all here."
He didn't say anything more and left her in silence by his desk. Looking at the documents, she couldn't help but notice that maybe he wanted them to be found, by some one. She silently flipped through them.
They were safe. They were on a farm in between the Yalkell and Wall Rose. She quickly torn the piece of paper up and ran to the fire-place, taking a match and trying to light the shreds. No one could see where he was. She had to protect Levi.
Avery only visited to harass Erwin. Despite being childhood friends, Erwin had grown distaste for the oldest of the Ragard family. They sat drinking tea, talking about minuet things. Eventually, Avery's face turned into an ugly sneer.
"Erwin, my sister doesn't look like she has been touched. Are you doing your job as her husband?"
Erwin snapped his gaze at Avery, lacing it with menace. "I don't see why that is any of your business any more, Avery. She is your sister, not a whore."
Avery tapped his cigar with his pointer finger. "You are still on about that bullshit? Legally, you two aren't married and if the head of our family finds that out, you will lose her." He chuckled. "You are a man, you should take what you want."
Erwin leaned back and looked the other man with a calculating look. "You are threatening me, in your own way."
Avery shrugged and looked at the blond. "Consider it more of a warning. They want to bring in a physician to look at her, some one tipped them off. If he sees that you two haven't consummated this marriage, it is all over, for both of us. My family will slip more and more into poverty and you will lose your little helper or whatever she is, I do not care. You can't tell me that you ironed that shirt, Erwin, and you have no servants. I know what is going on. Just do me a favor and put her on her back where she belongs."
That statement made Erwin's stomach roll. That was disgusting. The meeting couldn't have ended sooner, as Avery excused himself to attend another meeting about supplies being transported to the Trost district.
Erwin sat there, staring at the ring on his left hand. He loved her, but he could never give her the love and affection that she needed or wanted. It was odd, over night she was in love with him and now, she seemed to look out the window, waiting for some one else to come for her. She was too innocent to throw into this horrible war between humans. Titans she could handle, but these humans and their disgusting wanton to murder just because a man who called himself king told them too. Barbaric.
But there was no way to protect her. No, not true, there was one man he could trust. He could trust him to keep her safe, even if the titans converged on them, he would die protecting her. Levi.
Grabbing a pin and scribbling out a sloppy a message for the captain, he haphazardly folded it and shoved into the hands of the messenger on stand by. This could not wait.
Levi watched with empty eyes as Armin and Hange laid out strategic plans on how to keep on the down low for at least a month. Moving from house to house was getting out of control and they were leaving bread crumbs where ever they went. It was only a matter of time.
Find me.
That shitty brat. She knew he couldn't. He wanted to very badly. For the first time since he had joined the Survey corps, he wanted to leave and fuck it all. But he had a debt to repay and he had to admit. He liked killing. It made his blood rush and the testosterone surge. Being a rouge on the run was something he was used to. As long as there was tea and time to clean this hell hole, it wasn't all that bad.
Mikasa sat across from him, Eren by her side. They were exchanging brother and sisterly advice and it didn't take a genius to see who was the more intelligent out of the two.
He didn't care. Any more, he wish he would just die. He didn't want to be part of this any more and death seemed easy enough. But how? Like hell he would be titan fodder and he didn't want to seem like an idiot by falling out of a tree. People knew his talents and knew it would be on purpose. But Ingrid. Find me.
That stupid...he almost though idiot but fond memories of her crawling into his bed to share kisses with him until the sun rose was enough to stop him from calling her idiot. She was to sweet. That would get her killed.
"Captain. A letter arrived from the commander, concerning Ingrid." Hange slipped the paper to him, like it was a secret. All eyes were on him them. Hange's bore into him and he could feel the tension in the air. He scoffed and opened it, his eyes hardening at each word.
I know she misses you. All she talks about is being back with her squad. I regret to tell you that I am the one who took her hand in marriage. I know how much she meant to you, but rest assured, she is unscathed. Lord Ragard wants us to consummate. I am sending her away. She will find you. Do not let her fight, protect her. We are no longer fighting titans, I am afraid. One of the younger brothers has agreed to help me. Please keep a watch out for her.
She was coming back to him. He was going to see her one more time. Relaxed, he looked up at his squad, a sudden silence hung over them. "Ingie will be returning to us, as a guest, not a soldier. You are to act as if she never left and leave the questions about her marriage alone."
Eren shot up and glared. "Marriage? What the hell is that all about? What do-"
"Eren, I will explain later. Let's just follow the captain's orders in the mean time." Mikasa intersected before the hot head boy could make a scene. Armin put a hand on his arm.
Levi left them at that point. He had too much on his mind and supper no longer seemed to be sitting well with him. She was coming back to him. But, she was a married woman now. He wondered what hell she had faced when she arrived home and if the man she had married treated her well or beat her. She had training to fight back. She was actually not to shabby in hand-to-hand combat, but she wouldn't fight back, that was against her up bringing. That stupid little shit.
He stood outside of their new dwelling. It wasn't clean enough for him and it was cramped. They all had to sleep in a loft above the downstairs area, which was a strange set up as well. They would be leaving soon.
Since she was no long his subordinate, would it be possible to at least let his guard down slightly around her? Don't be ludicrous, she isn't yours. Not his. Those were bitter thoughts. He had never though of her any other way but his. The mere thought of another man touching her made him boil and it took a minute to compose himself.
These thoughts tormented him.
Erwin never let any one see him panicked or even disgusted. Ingrid was shocked by the way he was acting. She sat on the edge of their bed, her night-dress barely covering her. It was the last warm night before the snow fell.
"That bastard told me to rape you. Rape! Can you imagine? And this is what our noble system has turned into. Raping women after selling them to the highest bidder." He paced in front of the fire-place, his mouth covered in horror. "And I paid."
She didn't know the difference really and that was because of was how she was raised. Her brother always blamed the titans for putting them in these walls and that is why they had to breed cautiously to avoid accidental incest. That is why arranged marriages were so important. It was really just a scam for the older nobles to get younger wives and make money. "I don't see why you just don't demand it, commander. You are a man and I am your wife so naturally, it is alright."
"What about the one you love?" Erwin turned toward her with hard eyes. "What would he say to that?"
Her eyes widened slightly, her cheeks reddening. He knew she was in love with some one else? She hung her head slightly and sighed. "Commander...I...he can't be with me no matter if I was married or not. It is just not possible in his position. And he would say that he didn't care."
Erwin closed his eyes and his lips thinned. "I see. That is a shame."
She looked up at him. "What about you? Why do you not want it? It is more honorable than a prostitute or a strange woman from a bar. Are you afraid?"
He sat down next to her, disgust all over his face. "Absurd. You may be my wife by law and I am fond of you, but that is not something that I consider. You are better than that and I would like it if you treated yourself with more respect."
A long silence hung between them. The crackling of the fire reminded Ingrid of when the titans smashed trees under their feet or the crushing of bones. She shook off the latter and looked at her hands. Her mother's ring stared back at her. Most women didn't have rings, due to the economy. But this had been made for her mother by a friend, she had been very fond of it. The band was thin, but twirled into a braid that was sturdy. In the braid, was a small emerald. Ingrid smiled as she remembered the color of her mother's eyes. Emerald. That was probably why the blacksmith chose that jewel.
"We have been married a year." She said quietly. "Happy anniversary." She kept her face stern. No more crying. No more. She was still a soldier.
He looked at her in surprise, staring at her for a few moments while it registered in his mind. "Ah, yes, well, same to you."
She clenched her jaw and stood up quickly. She wanted to leave, wanted to run. A hand on her shoulder stopped her. She looked up to see the commander's honey gaze on her. "I wasn't done Ingrid. I have something to talk to you about. Please, sit, just for a short while."
She wanted to disobey. Maybe Levi had rubbed off on her slightly. She nodded and sat down, not making eye contact with the man.
"I found away to avoid this. It is not right to take another man's woman. I already married you, but still, I cannot take was is the most important thing to a woman, especially when it is not mine to take." He sat down again, the empty sleeve on his right folding behind him.
"That is bullshit, Erwin. I saved it for you all my life until recently and now we are married and it is like I contain a plague." She was losing her temper. "I don't want to fornicate any more than you do, but to keep up this honorable act you have going on is asinine! I know you, Erwin Smith, I know that underneath that mask you are nothing but a mere man. A doer of the necessary evils. This is just like everything else and now you are appalled?" She laughed, almost hysterically. "Do you know how long I loved you without realizing who you truly were and I still loved you after all of it. When Agnes died...you sent your condolences and that was all. After that you sent me a clue that I didn't understand until I came home." She stood up again, outrage filling her body. "No, some one else held me, some one else told me that even though he would never have me, he would make sure I would make it out alive. I looked up to you, worshiped you, and you send your condolences and then stripped me of my title as a soldier. What do you want from me? To live out my life miserable?" Her chest puffed up.
"Why did you fall out of love with me?" It was a curious question, no hurt or betrayal shown on his face.
The past year she had helped him teach himself how to work with only having one arm and some of his paper work. She was part of something again, but she was not happy. She wanted to be by her squad's side, fighting for a chance at life. "I didn't. I still love you, but I also resent you and you break my heart. Especially when you act like I am nothing to you, just like Agnes."
Shock filled his features, but no malice. Maybe he did not realize that is how it came off. "I am sorry. I cannot be the man I used to before I accepted my position. I realize I have lost some of my compassion and my humanity and I am sorry I break your heart. But you realize that it is necessary for me to be distant when I watch those close to be devoured by creatures that have no reason to do so?"
How could she be so clueless? He wasn't heartless...he was just as broken as the rest of them. He just found a different way to handle his grief. "Commander, I apologize. Please forgive me."
He smiled gently and stood, walking towards her and embracing her in hold. "Ingrid, no, Ingie, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am sorry I had to sacrifice things that were not mine to sacrifice and I am sorry I made your love for me crumble, but I will always keep my promise to you and never hurt you." He stepped back and the face of a commanding officer looked back at her. "That is why I am sending you away, under false tenses, but no one will question them. I am sending you back to squad Levi, tonight."
Jean scanned the tree line, looking for any movement. Ragard was his favorite. She was smart when it came to pranks, but also very kind and comforting. When he lost Marco, she had held him in the barracks and sang him a song her mother sang to her when she was sad. It didn't take away the pain, but the compassion was comforting. He could tell Hange was excited to have back the only person who understood her wacky ways and would have funny conversations with. Eren and Mikasa seemed in different, but he knew Mikasa cared for the girl like a friend. They did chores together.
Sasha was ready to have some one who could cook again.
Captain Levi stood next to him, stoic as ever. Who knew how he felt? Mad, probably. Another drag he had to take care of. But when she was here, he seems more motivated to kill every titan he saw. That and she made a great pot of tea. Maybe he was relieved?
"They should have been here by now." Armin said, worry filling his features. "Should one of us-"
"No, they are on time, they are pulling a wagon. Keep your post." The captain crossed his arms. "Don't be a child."
Armin looked forward, as if the captain did not say anything. Behind Levi, Mikasa kept her eyes on the tree line too. Hange was below them, in the door way with Connie, Eren, and Historia.
"There!" Armin perked up as a figure made it through the tree line. A horse-drawn wagon, full of supplies, with two people upfront. Finally, they were here.
"Yee-haa! You see that short fry?! They brought food and weapons! Good ol' commander!" Hange ran to meet them, but Levi kept his spot as the other's left their spots.
There she was, in one piece. The other must have been another one of her brothers, because as soon as the cart was unloaded and the horse unhitched, he reached down and fondly ruffled Ingrid's hair. Her hair...was long again. He could feel the emotions build up in his chest, but on the outside he remained calm, watching as the squad welcomed their lost member back.
He turned and went down the ladder.
Inside, every one was busy packing the food into barrels and cupboards, Sasha enjoying her own personal bag that Ingrid had brought her.
"You mean you really got married? The day after you got home? That is crazy!" Hange stood next to Ingrid, wide-eyed, her small hand in Hange's slightly larger ones as the older woman inspected the ring. "Is he handsome? Oh, I bet he is rich."
The other's gathered around her, Levi keeping his distance on the outside. She hadn't seen him yet and he wasn't sure if he was ready yet. "Well...um, yes, handsome. He lives modestly in the central walls, but yes, rich." She looked uncomfortable. Eren stepped forward.
"Has he hurt you?"
Levi wanted to know as well. She blushed and shook her head. "No! No, not at all, he is very over protective."
"So you knew him before you were married." Mikasa stated.
Ingrid looked away and the pain on her face was clear. "Yes, I did."
Hange jumped around and grabbed the girl's arm. "What is your new name! I want to hear it! Is it funny? Your name wouldn't go with a lot of other's."
Ingrid looked around the group that had surrounded her. In the corner, she could see the captain and her breath hitched. He was indeed injured, just like Erwin said. But she knew that Levi was very independent and would not need her help because of a shoulder and an eye injury. She met his eyes and his were so intense, locked on to her. She felt a lump form in her throat.
"Ingrid?" She heard Sasha, her voice slightly muffled by the food in her cheeks. "Squad Leader asked you a question."
Suddenly everyone's eyes were once again upon her. Her stomach churned. No one told them? She was their commander's wife. Wouldn't that have made it around the Survey Corps? She didn't understand. Was she a secret?
"Smith. My new name is Smith." She said quietly.
Sasha giggled. "That is the commander's name! Is it his cousin or brother! That is funny!"
Jean scoffed with a grin. "You're related to the commander?"
Ingrid looked at the ground and sighed. "No. It is the commander." She said quietly.
Hange burst out in laughter as the others began to shift nervously. Levi's eyes grew angry and his body rigid. Hange calmed down and put her arm around the girl's slender shoulders. "No more jokes, darling, who is he?"
"She isn't joking you shit for brains." Levi bit out, the rest of the squad turning and looking at him. Hange just simply pursed her lips.
"There is no way sweet, adorable little Ingrid married the commander. We would have heard about that silly!"
Ingrid remained there like a statue of shame. Yes, it was true what Levi had just said and she couldn't stand the looks they were giving her. "I am tired. I am going to bed now." She said, despite the many questions being thrown at her.
She felt sick to her stomach. Everyone treated her differently now. She was the same person, the same girl who trained with the 104th class and made it out alive. It was still her. Except, no, it wasn't. Her calloused hands turned soft again and was hard lines turned into soft curves again, courtesy of never having to go with out food. And that is why she demanded that her brothers give hefty amounts of food for the cause. It took time to get a carriage to carry it all there, but they managed and now Squad Levi would be well stocked for some time.
She thought they would be thankful, but really, they didn't say anything, just staring at her like some strange and unknown person. She wasn't one of them any more. To make it worse, Levi refused to talk to her, let a lone look at her. Did he feel betrayed? She had told him she was going to get married once she went home. So why was it such a problem now?
They had relocated right before she had arrived to a very spacious and an intact castle that used to belong to her great-great grandfather. It had plenty of space and many hidden rooms were they could have light without any one on the outside knowing. However, there would still be smoke from the chimney. Luckily, her brother had left to see his mistress in these parts and left her here with the rest of the squad, saying that he was staying there. The military police would not look into it unless something suspicious happened. They were safe for now.
The best part was that every one had their own room and tub and it was the first thing Jean pointed out in relief. Sleeping with a bunch of people on the ground all the time was starting to wear thin on some.
When she first got there, Levi made it clear she was not a soldier, but she would not be useless. In fact she would cook all meals for the squad and when told to do so, clean. His squad needed to train and be ready at any moment and it was hard when they were constantly scrubbing dishes. She didn't complain or show any sign of being upset.
She rolled onto her back and looked up at the stone ceiling. Why would he be mad at her? She had warned him. And she had no idea Erwin was the one she was going to marry.
She sighed and rolled onto her side. If she went to his room, would he open the door for her or would she be scolded? She bit her lip. She was a married woman. She couldn't go to another man's room. That was disgraceful.
But she missed him. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just for a chat? She sat up. She knew the trick to the captain's heart.
Carefully she tapped on the captain's door, both hands full. She prayed that this would work and wouldn't seem inappropriate. What was the harm of seeing an old friend after a year and wanting to have tea?
The fact that you are in love with him and now married to a different man. She shook her head as she heard the door creak open. He was dressed down for sleep, but decent. He didn't look happy, surprised, or anything other than his usual annoyed looked.
"I brought tea." She said, smiling and holding out the mugs gently so no tea would spill.
He just kept his glare on her and opened the door wider, reaching out and taking one of the mugs, before closing the door in her face. She stood there bewildered, eyes wide and her heart dropping into her stomach. She looked down and wrapping her fingers gingerly around the remaining cup. The shadow hadn't moved underneath the door. He hadn't moved.
"Levi...I want to see you. Please, can we talk? I just...I just want to talk." She choked a little. "At least give me a chance to explain, please, you deserve an explanation." Part of her hair fell over her shoulder in long auburn waves. "I don't want the others to hear."
There was a pause, as if he was thinking about it. She almost gave up when the door opened again. "In. Now." He nodded his head inside. She quickly moved, just in case he changed his mind.
He was the cleanest man she had ever known and his room was pristine. She grasped the cup tighter and followed him over to a sitting area. He of course got the biggest and most furnished room in the castle. She didn't expect anything less.
He lounged in a chair by the fire-place, leaving her with loveseat that was covered in a jade colored thread. She sat there for a couple of minutes staring at her tea, watching her reflection. She was careful to appear decent, since she was wearing her night-clothes, which was nothing more than a short dress with lace on the bottom. The commander bought it for her birthday.
"You married my commander and you didn't even bother to send a message."
She looked up and sighed, the corners of her mouth turning down. "I know, I am so sorry."
He scoffed and leaned his head back. "Sorry...uh. No, you finally got what you wanted. The man of your dreams."
She sent him a hurt glare and brought her knees closer to her chest, resting the warm mug on her knee cap. "Stop it. I had no idea. I went home and...I just sit there doing nothing."
He was watching her carefully. She knew what he was thinking. "What's it like when he touches you?"
She blushed a deep red and looked at him horrified. "You don't understand."
"Oh, I understand very well." He set his tea down on the small table next him and leaned forward. "So tell me how it feels when he kisses you and how it feels when he fucks you. Who's name do you scream?" His eyes bore into hers.
She shrunk into the couch and looked at him with hurt eyes. What else did she expect? A happy greeting? A kiss and hug and how much they loved each other? Tears fell from her eyes as she struggled off the couch, leaving the tea-cup on the floor. It was a mistake coming to his room. She didn't need to explain anything to him. He wasn't going to hear it any way.
A hand caught hers and turned her abruptly, another holding on to her upper arm. "No, I want to hear it. What is like to be on your back while we run for our lives? What is it like with endless amounts of food and sleeping peacefully at night while we wait for the blades of death to find us."
She covered her face, ashamed. She tried to hold back a sob. She wouldn't cry. "Why are you doing this? I came back and the only thing I wanted was to see you and help you." Her voice was beginning to shake. She looked back up at him defiantly. "And what is it to you what it is like? How do you know that he even touches me? Hm? Almighty Levi, Humanity's strongest, how do you know?" She struggled free and stepped back. "He barely looks at me, if you care to know. And the only name that I yell at night is yours, when I wake up after dreaming you were eaten." She turned and quickly walked toward the door. "I was an idiot to think you would be happy to see me." She slammed the door and ran down the corridor, back to her room.
She was an idiot.
She ignored him and his stares. She only concentrated on working and working hard. She wanted to be tired so that when she slept, she wouldn't dream and if she didn't dream, she couldn't dream about him.
Now and then the commander would send her a message about her well-being. She would respond she was well. It was a farce. Her whole life was a farce. She stopped conversing with the squad, giving them short answers and not joining their conversations. She desperately wanted to join them when they trained, but she just went deeper into the castle so she couldn't see them.
Armin always tried to get her involved with the squad again, but the way the others looked at her now made her sick to her stomach. Like she was a princess and she had to be carefully handled. Jean even expressed his discomfort at her washing his dishes, because his words were, "The woman the commander holds dear shouldn't be dirtying her hands like that."
After that she retreated to her room, ignoring the apologies and Hange's attempts to draw her out. Mikasa even knocked on her door, asking her if she would be joining them for dinner.
This was worse than being at home.
Ingrid finally got tired of being trapped in her room. It was dark out and she was sure that almost every one was in bed. She would sneak down, clean up the dining hall, fold some laundry, deliver it outside of the rooms, then go back to bed. Yes, that was a good plan.
She knew that being in a castle with a bunch of elite soldiers, she was going to run into some one at some point, so she had to work quickly and remember her training to get her around quietly.
When she snuck around, she indeed found that everyone had gone to their respective rooms and settled down for the night. She curiously wondered, if Mikasa and Eren shared a room. She shivered and rolled up her sleeves. Gross. They were like siblings.
Dishes were hard to do quietly, but she managed to do it efficiently and no one appeared, so she assumed she woke no one. It was when she was delivering the clothing outside of the doors, did she encounter a problem.
She felt over the neatly pressed shirt, remembering the body that usually accompanied it. She would have just folded it and left it with the other clothing, but she knew now the captain felt about creases in his shirts. She kept looking at the door and then back at the shirt. She didn't have a place to hang it outside and she wouldn't dare put it on the floor. She sighed and raised her fist.
At first there was nothing, then the second time she knocked, she was surprised to see Hange open the door who was just as surprised to see her. The woman smiled. "Ingie! I thought you were never coming out! The captain and I were just talking about tomorrow. Would you like to come in?" She stepped back so Ingrid could walk past her.
"Oi, don't invite people into my room, idiot." She heard Levi's voice from inside the room.
She panicked and held out the clothes. "Please hand these to captain Levi. They are freshly ironed, so please do not wrinkle them." She handed them Hange.
Hange's lips thinned and her face became sad as she took the shirt. "Oh, yes, of course." Her face picked up again. "We are having tea, please, just for a minute?"
Ingrid shook her head and sighed. "No, thank you squad leader." She turned before Hange could counter protest.
"That was an order, Smith, get in here. Hange, dismissed." She heard his voice behind her and stopped. She felt her heart accelerate as she turned around. She met his glare with a calm stare.
"In all due respects, sir, I am no longer a soldier, therefore, your orders are not valid and I have no reason to go into your personal quarters for a discussion." She turned around and walked quickly, ignoring the gasp from Hange and the grunt from Levi.
I have decided to do chapters after all. Please let me know how you feel about this fanfic. Sorry for any missed mistakes in advanced.
-Jane