Hermione Granger paced around Ginny's dorm, wringing her hands nervously and gazing at the Clock Tower through the window.

"They're all of age! What if they bring Firewhiskey? They're technically allowed. And what if underage students come?" Hermione cried. Ginny grinned.

"It'll be the best party ever!" Ginny exclaimed. "Did Zabini really book Mermaid & Merlin and The Hairy Hearts?"

"More like Fairy Farts," Ellie Sommers scoffed. "That band is terrible."

"You only hate the Hairy Hearts because you and Phineas Withey danced to 'The Heart's Jinx' at the Ravenclaw party."

"Ravenclaws party?" Hermione asked.

"Their parties are wilder than Gryffindor's and Slytherin's combined," said Ellie.

"They have unlimited energy, only they use it to study, but when they don't, they're wilder than a pair of rabid Hippogriffs," said Ginny.

"Merlin's beard, I'm screwed." Hermione collapsed dramatically on Ginny's four-poster, vividly imagining scantily-clad Ravenclaws grinding on anything with a pulse while sixth and seventh years swam in a pool of champagne and Firewhiskey. "I'm not going to last a week as Honourary Prefect."

"Hermione, it's just a party," Ginny said. "If you cancel it, everyone will resent you."

"I'll definitely hate you forever," Ellie said. She was always the most supportive of all of Ginny's friends.

"Will you resent me, Ginny?" Hermione asked.

"Of course not," said Ginny, avoiding the Gryffindor's gaze. "I might for a few days... Weeks..." Hermione sighed and walked toward the door. "Where're you going?"

"I need to go find a barrier spell that will throw underage students away from Firewhiskey."

Hermione Granger was rarely surprised by anything anymore. She had fully expected Harry to be drafted to the Japanese National Quidditch Team as a Seeker right after Voldemort's defeat and when he came home for Christmas, his sudden love of karaoke and fetish for unakyu sushi had surprised no one.

Ron's decision to break up with Hermione for Justin Finch-Fletchley had also been foreseen after she had stumbled upon some interesting 'books' and a pair of wrinkled, yellow badger boxers that smelled like Circus Fantasy perfume while organizing his sock drawer.

In retrospect, finding Blaise Zabini lying on her four-poster, as fully-clothed as Dumbledore during the London Pride Parade, was probably the most startling event in her life after being told she was a witch.

"How did you get up here?"Hermione asked curiously. She had camped in the woods with two teenage boys for nearly a year, so male nakedness did not upset her at all.

"I bribed Tracey Davis to piggy-back me," Blaise said, smiling lewdly.

"Sorry, Granger," Tracey called from her own bed across the room. "He offered me an unlimited gift card to In-N-Out." Hermione was unsure whether Tracey was talking about the American burger place or the shady shop in Hogsmeade. Not that she knew of such places, but there had been a time when she had been keen on impressing Ron.

"So my friend, Draco Malfoy," Blaise began, "went through some tough times the last two years because his dad is a bigger moron than Umbridge's husband-"

"-SHE HAS A HUSBAND?-"

"-and he hasn't looked at a girl other than you, which doesn't really count, properly in ages and it's got me quite worried. What if it's because Voldemort turned him into a eunuch?"

"Can't you just check?" Tracey harped, looking up from her In-N-Out catalogue, which was definitely for the Hogsmeade store.

Blaise scoffed. "Hey, Malfie, can I take a look at your junk please?" he said in a high-pitched voice. "I just want to make sure it's still there so please don't think I'm hitting on you."

"Malfie?" Hermione repeated, giggling. "You even have a pet name for him, Zabini! Are you guys going out?"

"Shut up," Blaise snapped. "Anyway, I'll pay you twenty Galleons if you slut it up and try to seduce my best mate." Hermione gawked and Tracey howled with laughter.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO PROSTITUTE HERMIONE FREAKING GRANGER?" Tracey cried. Blaise shrugged.

"Abbot, Bones, Jones, both Patils, Vane and Davis all said no," Blaise said, with a pointed glare at Tracey. "Parkinson is too obsessive, Moon is high all the time, and all the other girls couldn't turn on Malfoy even if they wanted to."

"And you can't prostitute the underclassmen because they're not of age yet, I know," Tracey drawled, rolling her eyes. Hermione gaped at the Slytherins.

"You seriously can't be a pimp," Hermione said, gaping. "You have no cane. Or hat. Or- THIS IS AGAINST SCHOOL RULES!"

"Actually, I was thinking of coercing some drunk witch at Friday's party into undressing Malfoy but finding a sober woman is much more moral, isn't it?" Blaise said with a grin. "By the way, can I borrow some robes? Mine got sucked away by whatever barrier spell keeps out boys from this dorm."

Hermione's eyes widened. She knew what to do for the underage Firewhiskey-drinking problem!

"Don't get any ideas on charming the Firewhiskey, Granger," Tracey said with a sigh. "You may be a genius but even you can't outsmart a bunch of high Ravenclaws."

"High Ravenclaws?" Hermione squeaked. Tracey chuckled.

"Sorry, I meant excited Ravenclaws." The Slytherin winked before returning back to her book.

"I might not even be bringing Firewhiskey," Blaise said nonchalantly. Hermione let out a breath of relief. "I'll just get some vodka and tequila from the nearby Muggle town. They're much easier to sneak around Filch."

And for the first time of the new school year, Hermione Granger fainted.