CHAPTER 5

It had been more a week.

I had cancelled my appointment with Hanji the next monday, and just kept hiding inside my room. I had shut off my cell phone and had convinced Mikasa that I didn't want to be disturbed.

She had been reluctant at first, wanting to know what had happened, but when I had just pressed my lips together and looked away, she had finally left me alone.

I had stopped feeling sorry for myself a few days ago, but I still didn't want to come out at first. The thought of having to look Levi in the eyes, made my feel so shameful and embarrassed. I didn't want to explain either, so I did the only thing that I could.

Stay safely in my bed, hiding under the covers.

Levi had left a while after, when he had realised that I wasn't going to come out. I had stayed in there, for a few hours anyway. I had then taken a shower and getting dressed before Mikasa came home.

I didn't eat anything the rest of that day, too caught up in trying to sort out my thoughts. The memories that I'd been suppressing for so many years had finally come back to me, but it wasn't a happy reunion. I had been terrified, and I still was. I still felt as if I didn't now what was the truth and what I had made up.

Mostly, I thought about Levi. I dreamt about him too. The memories of him and me had been long forgotten, pushed way back into the back of my head. But with everything else coming forward, and the situation that I had been in with Levi, had made it all appear again.

I turned around to lie on my back, looking up into the ceiling.

The memories hadn't made anything easier, it was quite the contrary. I had never been so confused about anything before.

I closed my eyes, leading myself back in time .

Where was he?

It was 10 minutes after he was supposed to be here.

I checked my cell phone. Maybe he was late? There was no new messages though, leaving colising that possibility off.

I started getting nervous. Was he going to blow me off? I turned around quickly reacting to the sound of a door opening. Watching the short, older man walk into the room made me sigh with relief.

"Hey,"

He said with his normal, stoic expression on his face, before sitting down in front of me.

"Hey,"

He pulled his books on the table, opening one of them. He started talking about my latest essay, and how to improve it. He even showed me an example in the book, and I pretended to care about it. I nodded every once in a while, letting him believe that I wanted to make a better essay.

The truth was, that I just wanted him. Ever since first day of school, I had fallen for him. Of course the feelings had been superficial, only fallen in love with the man's appearance, but that quickly changed.

I pretended to have bad grammar. I began making horrendous assigments, until it led him to ask me for private sessions. I didn't want to ask him myself, yet I have no idea why. I think I just wanted him to take the first step. I wanted to make myself believe that it wasn't all in my head.

The funny part was his cruelty. He had mean remarks for everybody in the class, even me. He could be hurtful at times, and his eyes could burn a hole in your soul. He was terrifying really – but that didn't stop me from falling in love.

The meetings were great – well, for me they were. I had squeezed some personal questions in between his long monologues about doing better in school, and he had answered. Slowly, I began learning everything about him. He lived alone, had no family, only focused on his job. He hadn't always wanted to teach, but he liked it now. He had few friends, but he didn't like to go out. He was actually a very closed off person, and if you only quickly looked at him, you wouldn't be able to see anything. If you would listen to him, he was nothing else than a mean person.

But I saw it all. I saw how amazing he was, and I was lucky enough to hear him talk about something that he was passionate about, instead of him just critizising everything and everyone. I understood his feelings and desires.

I wanted him, not because he was attractive on the outside, but because he was also beautiful on the insides.

And then last week happened.

I had finally mustered up all of my courage, and asked him out. For a second, I had thought that he was going to say no, but he didn't. Okay, maybe I had made it sound like I still needed his guidance in something school related, but it was still a date to me. We had always met in the school library, but he had finally agreed to go to my house. I had made sure that my mom was at work, since I didn't want her to embarrass me in any way.

It had all been perfect.

We had been sitting in my room, on my bed, with both our backs against the wall. He had a book in his lap trying to teach me something, when I had casually leaned my body towards his, so I could lay my head on his shoulder. He had been stiff for only about a second, before relaxing again, going on talking about how to make a proper film analysis.

I didn't want to push my luck, I really didn't. I had already come so far, so doing anything beyond that, would surely get me in trouble. But I had to try, didn't I? I had to do it while I still had the chance. I laid a hand on top of the paper, stopping him from reading aloud any more. He stopped, confused, looking down. I moved my head so I could look up into his grey silver eyes that were filled with wonder, while mine were filled with anticipation. Before he could stop me, I lifted my hand to grab his collar, and gently yanked it. The result had his whole upper body move towards mine, so that our lips could meet.

His lips were soft, as I had imagined, and it felt like they fit perfectly with mine. He made a sound of astonishment, but it was too muffled to really hear.

I thought I would feel whole with this, but I ended up just wanting more. Still holding on to his shirt, I tilted my head, and coaxed his moth open with mine. He was returning the kiss, but I could feel his whole body was tense, leaving me thinking that he was probably too shocked to actually respond. Clearly exploiting the situation, I lead my tongue inside his, and started teasing his. His tongue responded gently, making it slow and passionate.

I had never felt like this before. I wasn't even sure if I was doing it right, yet I was the only taking the lead. He was just sitting there, while I was the only pressing my body against his, grabbing his shirt, kissing him He was ten years older than me, yet I was still so desperate for his love. I had wanted to touch him for so long, so now that the moment had finally arrived, I was just too eager.

Of course, this was when he had grabbed my hand and jerked it away, forcing my body a few inches from his.

"Oi brat, what the hell do you think you're doing?" His cheeks were red, his face flustered. He tried to sound annoyed, but I saw right through him.

"I love you," I quickly blurted out, just staring at him.

That was when he had gotten up, and left.

And now we were sitting here, pretending that everything was okay. He had talked normal to me in school after the weekend, even being a little tougher and meaner than normally. But overall, he was walking around like nothing had happened. This was our weekly meeting, and I had thought that he wouldn't come. I really did. But he had shown up, even if he had been a little late.

Still, I couldn't focus. How was that possible, when all I could see, was the man's lips moving as he was talking, yet not hearing a word he was saying. When all I could remember was those lips pressed against mine.

I was quite pleased with the fact that it was now a memory, rather than a dream.

"Oi, are you even listening to me?"

He looked annoyed at me, when I tried sitting up straight.

"Sorry," I mumbled, looking down at my hands that resting on the table.

He kept looking at me, and I could feel his eyes on my body. He didn't say another word, instead he reached over and grabbed my left hand.

"Eren,"

I looked up, surprised, but hopeful. He was touching me at his own free will – he was holding my hand, for god's sake!

My heart skipped a beat, and I tried to keep my breathing steady. I was way too excited about this.

We sat there, staring at eachother intensively for a few seconds, before his eyes started flickering. He had gotten back into reality, realising all the other students that were seated in the library as well. He let go of my hand, and I felt a hole in my stomach.

"There is so much wrong with this," He wispered. It was meant as a comment to himself I guess, but I overheard it.

"I don't –"

He quickly interrupted me, stopping me from saying anything else.

"Eren. I am your teacher. I am so much older than you. You are still a naïve, young boy who doesn't know what he wants with his life, and who to spend it with," He sighed before standing up. He pushed the books over to me, who was just sitting there, not knowing how to respond.

"Besides, I'm not even gay," He started backing away from me, his eyes still flickering. "I have a girlfriend, and we are very happy together,"

With that last comment, he turned around to walk out of the door. I was left there, staring at the place where he had standed.

Tears were appearing in my eyes, making my sight blurry.

Why did my heart hurt so bad?

He was only there for another week. I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends, when I heard the news.

"Did you see the new guy?"

I looked up, not really interested in the conversation.

"The new guy?" I asked, not really caring about the answer.

"Yeah, our new english teacher. He looks really nice,"

Armin started eating his salad again, not advancing further in the conversation.

"Hey!" I said, banging my fist against the table, making everyone around it go silent. "What happened to Levi?"

Armin looked up, surprised to see that my face had changed from indifference to anger.

"He quit, when he got a better job offer from another school," Armin shrugged, not understanding what my sudden outburst was about. None of them knew. They were all so oblivious.

"I heard some girls say that he proposed to his girlfriend. Apparently, she's pregnant," Connie joined in on the conversation, not realizing how upset I was.

I felt all colour disappear from my face, as my hands started shaking. At first, I was to shocked to move, but eventually I got up, getting out of there.

It took all of my strength not to cry on the bus ride home.

My eyes opened again, when my whole body started to ache. I had been lying in the bed for too long, and it was finally reaction. I stood up, as if I had been commanded to, but I didn't really get much further than that.

All of the memories that I had forgotten or hidden away, were finally back. Before that, there had only been hate for Levi. I had only remembered the last time I had seen him, and the last words that I had spoken to him. Of course I knew what feelings I had harboured before that, I had just never remembered why.

But now it had all come back to me.

My hands shook a bit when I dressed myself in clean clothes, before finally unlocking and opening the door.

Mikasa was sitting in the sofa, reading a book, when I came out. I went into the kitchen, that like Hanji and Levi's apartment, was attached to the livingroom without a wall between them. I could feel her eyes in the back of my head, but every time I turned around, she was back to reading her book. Clearly she wanted to see if I was okay, she just didn't want to push me. The thought made me happy, glad that somebody cared for me like she did.

I made a messy sandwich, not really caring what ingredients I was using. I was so hungry.

With the plate in my hand, I walked over to sit beside Mikasa, and started eating as if nothing had happened.

We sat in silence, and it was first when I was done, that she opened her mouth.

"Are you okay?"

I paused for a second, stopping myself from nodding. That was what I automatically did, but I wanted to answer honestly.

"I think I am," I finally said, after a moment of silence. "I just don't really know … Where I should go from here,"

I sat cross-legged on the sofa, turning my upperbody so I was able to face Mikasa better. She had put her book into her lap, looking at me thoughtfully.

"Tell me what the problem is,"

I had no idea where to start. I wasn't even sure what the problem really was, or what my feelings were. I felt clueless.

"I-I don't know, really … He just kept coming at me, even though I didn't want it. But I did. I like him, I just don't know if it's okay to like him," I mumbled. I wasn't sure if she understand, especially since I felt even more confused than before.

"So you like him, and he likes you. But you're not sure if it's the right thing, after everything that has happened between you," Mikasa summed up. I was surprised, even if I should'nt be. She was indeed much smarter than I was.

"I think so, yeah … And I ruined everything last time I saw him. I'm not sure if he even wants to see me anymore. I'm not even sure if I want to see him … What would I say?" I sighed, resting my head into my palms.

This was riddiculous. Mikasa apparently thought so too, because not soon after she hit me in the head with her book.

"Stop being so helpless. He has been by twice this week, and has called my phone several times to hear from you. He is a pain in the ass, so at least make him your pain in the ass," She said annoyed, and I looked at her in shock.

"Wha – "

"No pun intended," She quickly said, when I realised. My head flew back and hit the cushion behind my back, when I started laughing. Mikasa had to wait for a long moment, before I was done.

"You can seriously be funny, sometimes," I mumbled with tears in my eyes. She just rolled her eyes, and opened the book again.

"Just go get your cell phone and turn it on. I'll drive you there, if you want me too,"

I nodded, still chuckling, when I stood up and walked over to my bedroom.

My phone was old, and it took over 5 minutes before the texts started coming in, making the phone buzz like crazy.

I forced myself to let it be until it was finished. When I looked at it again, it had over a dozen texts and two dozen missed calls. I quickly read the texts, as they were filled with a lot of the same sentences, as "Eren, are you okay?" and "Eren, we need to talk,". They were mostly from an unkown number, but it wasn't hard to figure out who that was. Hanji had written to him as well, as had some of his friends.

There were voicemails as well, all from Hanji and the unkown number. He put the phone up to his ear, nervously waiting to hear Levi's voice again.

"Hey Eren," Pause. That was Hanji's voice, and she sounded annoyed. "Why are you not here yet? It's been an hour. I'm counting on you!"

Ding.

"Eren, I've given you time and space, but it's been days since Hanji or I have heard from you. Please – " The voice took a deep breath before continuing. "Please don't do anything that you'll regret. I'm so s – "

Ding.

His voice was cut off by the voicemail, before I could hear the end of the sentence. I tried to swallow a lump in my throat, as I felt the tears press behind my eyes again. He had sounded so … So broken. Was he really that worried about me?

"Eren, I'm coming by your place. You better fucking be home," Levi's voice again, but this time it had sounded irritated.

Ding.

"Eren, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You leave me worried as sick, and then you just cut me off? I need an explanation, you little brat. Stop avoiding me!"

Ding.

I couldn't hold in a chuckle. It was mixed in with a sob, because I had started to cry without realising. It was surprisingly nice to hear him snapping at me, to hear him yell like that. It felt like the old days, when he was yelling at me because of something as stupid as bad grades.

" …. "

Ding.

That one had propably been a miscall, but it was the last one. I looked up only to find Mikasa already standing at the door.

"Let's go,"

So in this chapter you get some answers with the flashback, but there's so much more that needs explaining – but if you follow and favorite, you'll get noticed right when I put more chapters in here!

It was on purpose that I only explained some of Levi and Erens backstory, and didn't get into why Eren is so traumatized. But all will soon be revealed!

Are you just as excited to read what happens next, as I am to write it? Because I am!

You're welcome to make review and tell me if you like the story, and definitely if I've made som mistakes with grammar, or if something doesn't quite match up.

Well, have a nice weekend then xoxo