Leo lay on his bed, pretending to be asleep when April came in to check on him. He reacted just enough to make her think that he was okay, but not enough for her to think she had woken him. She must have been satisfied, because she left in under a minute. Once the door had closed behind her, Leo opened his eyes.
On the other side of the room, Mikey lay on his bed snoring loudly. There was a reason that no one else had wanted to share a room with him. Fleetingly, Leo wished that the farmhouse had more than three rooms. Casey, Raph, and Donnie had claimed the master bedroom, while April had chosen her old room, leaving the guest room for Leo and Mikey. At first, Donnie and Mikey had roomed together – an arrangement Leo assumed took place because Donnie wouldn't have been able to stand rooming with Casey, Raph couldn't have handled living with Mikey, and there would never be peace if Mikey actually got a room to himself. However, three months or so of living with Mikey had made Donnie desperate for the change – even if it meant sharing a room with Raph and Casey.
Mikey's snores were especially obnoxious tonight. Usually, Leo was able to tune them out, but not tonight. Who was he kidding? He knew that Mikey's snoring wasn't what was keeping him awake. With a sigh, he got up from the bed, snuck past April's room, and silently moved down the staircase.
He was startled to see that the light in the living room was on. He peered around the corner and saw that Donnie and Raph were in there. "You guys couldn't sleep either, huh?"
Both of them shook their heads. Their faces were haunted; Leo imagined that his own face probably was too. Raph gestured for Leo to sit on the couch with him. Leo jumped over the back of the couch, wincing a little at the motion.
"You really shouldn't be doing that," Donnie said wearily.
Leo didn't reply, and Donnie didn't press the issue. They all sat together in silence, eyes firmly glued on the floor, listening to the steady ticking of the clock on the wall. They must have been sitting like that for fifteen minutes when Leo couldn't take it anymore. The pain in the room was palpable. Lead, Leo, he told himself. They're just as lost as you are – but they need you to lead.
He drew a deep breath. "I think we all know that none of us were honest with Mikey." When he looked up, Donnie and Raph's eyes were glued on him, the sadness in their faces almost unbearable. "That's for the best. We all know how Mikey is."
A tiny, sad smile crept into the corner of Donnie's mouth. Raph returned his gaze to the floor.
"But I think that maybe – we can be honest with each other. I think we need to be, or this is just going to eat us up forever."
Donnie nodded immediately. Raph crossed his arms and scowled for a few moments before he gave a jerk of his head in the affirmative.
"All right, then," Leo said. He was silent for a moment, trying to compose how we was going to explain his dream, when suddenly Donnie burst out.
"I was back in New York. This thing was chasing me – it was like it was me, but everything about myself that I hate, trying to kill me. It…told me that I was ignorant. Useless. A failure. And that wasn't it. I saw everything that scares me." He covered his face with his hands. "You guys and April dead. Sensei, gone. New York in flames and covered in mutagen. And it was all my fault, all my failure. If I'd just listened to Leo, or if the Turtle Mech had worked better…"
"That's a load of crap, Donnie," Raph snapped. "The invasion wasn't your fault."
Leo swallowed. Lead. "I understand. I know what it's like to blame yourself for something. But I hope you know that none of us blame you for New York." Least of all, me.
Donnie pulled his hands away, revealing tears. "I – I've always been pretty hard on myself. But I never realized how much…how much I actually hate myself. Those beavers were only working with what was already there, you know?"
Leo tried to think of something to say, but he couldn't.
Donnie sniffed loudly. "It told me that I ought to be begging it to kill me. And – and – " He emitted a horrible, choked sob. "I did. I begged it to kill me. I've never – never wanted to die before – "
Donnie, Leo thought. There was a pain in his chest that had nothing to do with his CPR injury.
Abruptly, Raph jumped off of the sofa. He walked over to the chair where Donnie sat and gave him a hug. "Me either. But I felt the same way."
Donnie wiped a tear out of his eye. "Really?"
"Yeah." Raph clapped Donnie on the shoulder before returning to the sofa. He sighed. Then, he punched the arm of the sofa. "Splinter was there, telling me how powerless and weak I was. And then…there was just this voice telling me about all of the times I haven't been able to protect myself, or anyone else…gah!" He balled his hands into fists. "And then that stupid beaver – I was tied to a chair, and he crushed the two of you and Mikey into a pulp. And I couldn't do a thing about it. The worst part of it is that it's true – I am powerless."
"That's simply not factual, Raph. You are absolutely without a doubt the best fighter of all of us." Donnie's voice was thick with envy. "You're incredibly powerful."
"So I'm a good fighter. But what good has that done in the last three months? It didn't save me from the Creep, or any of us from April's mom, and it didn't do a blasted thing in New York. I couldn't do a thing to help you, Leo." Raph squeezed his eyes shut, but a few tears managed to escape. "And I couldn't save Sensei."
Leo was shocked. It was the first time he'd actually seen Raph shed tears since they were five or six years old. "Raph…"
"There was nothing I could do. And there was nothing I could do to get out of that dream, either. I started going numb, and then I just wanted to die."
Leo reached over and put a hand on Raph's shoulder. "I get it, Raph. Believe me." He drew a deep breath. It was his turn to share now. He wondered how much he should tell them – wondered how much they could handle.
But they were part of his team. They deserved to know the truth.
He told them everything. Every painstaking detail, from the stupid meteorite to Splinter's accusation to Shredder murdering them, up until April's entrance.
The living room was silent when he finished. Donnie and Raph stared at him with horrified expressions.
Finally, Raph spoke up. "Leo, you know we'll follow you anywhere."
Leo was shocked for a second time, but he couldn't hold back a bit of bitterness. "Yeah. Except for all the times you didn't."
"Hence the future tense," Donnie said. "We will follow you anywhere. I – I'm sorry that we haven't listened in the past."
"Me too," Raph added.
"Thanks, guys." Leo was surprised that their words didn't actually make him feel better. "But you know how you said the beavers were working with what was already there, Donnie? The truth is that I'm not a good leader. I've screwed up a lot of things. Like with Karai – "
"That was Shredder's fault," Raph growled.
"Yeah," added Donnie. "I get why you feel responsible, but you aren't. Being a leader doesn't mean you can control people – it was Karai's choice to leave, and Shredder's choice to be an evil…an evil…"
Raphael suggested a string of inappropriate Japanese words to help Donnie out.
Donnie pointed at Raph. "Exactly."
"What are you guys doing down here?"
Leo looked over his shoulder and was rewarded for his effort with the sight of April with her hands on her hips, frowning and tapping her foot on the floor.