Missing an Angel's Heart
Chapter 5

Kanade passed away in the first few weeks of winter, watching the pale, bare branches turn slowly grey. Her husband had been with her then: a weekend day where nothing could take him away from the reality that approached except his own violation.

And with his wife lying so vulnerably upon a hospital bed, how could he think of doing such a thing? Abandoning her.

So he didn't. He went to her, and on that particular day they were talking about their future child once again. Or he was talking, and she was lying with her eyes closed and listening to his words. The same sorts of things Kanade had told him when their child had been conceived: how he'd be a healthy little boy called Yuzuru, running about and making enough noise to liven the place up by himself – even going so far as to bother the neighbours. And considering how far away the nearest house was to theirs, that would be quite a feat.

Personally, he had thought that any child from two relatively quiet people like them couldn't possibly produce an offspring that could make that much noise. He had said as much that time as well, and Kanade had laughed.

Now, Kanade only smiled faintly as he said both things himself. And the laughter was just an echo from the beginning of summer, before things had started to fall.

'So…' And the silence seemed only to grow, after all that hope they'd had for a more lively home. 'Why Yuzuru?'

'I don't know,' Kanade said, quietly and honestly. 'It just…seems to fit.'

And she'd died soon after that, more than a year before Otonashi Yuzuru was finally born.

That year was a hard, lonely one, and it would have been harder without his work and his colleagues, his friends. He'd been burying himself in the work before, but suddenly all that seemed to screech to a halt. Maybe it was because there was no hope he could hold on to, no despair he could drive away and forget. There was only the truth: a lonely little one room apartment that had been all he could afford after all the costs for hospital and funeral were covered.

He collected more as time went on, but so no reason to move. He went out drinking with his colleagues far more often now – he'd almost never gone before. But it was company. It was a chance to not drown in loneliness in his new home, and his friends would take him by the arm and drag him away from all of that.

And they would keep a sharp eye on him as well. Not too many drinks. No flirting women allowed within ten feet of him. Yummy dinners whenever they could convince one of their wives to whip one up for the whole gang. Nothing that was going to send him spiralling anywhere except for the slightly suffocating feeling that came from all the attention.

He might have yelled at them a few times, stormed away in some indescribable rage. But they'd stopped him from doing something he would regret in that time, and eventually something happened to make the future not so lonely anymore.

He had almost forgotten…that there was a surrogate mother somewhere in Japan carrying their child. His and Kanade's…because of course her dream couldn't ever become a reality unless the child was hers, carrying her genes and her heart.

Kanade's hope…and he'd forgotten completely about it.

But at that point it became the centre of his life. The baby, born: healthy and male and wailing loudly in a hospital room somewhere in Tokyo. He almost laughed: he sounded like everything Kanade had hoped and dreamed he would be.

And he was born. Actually born, from them.

It was probably the first time he'd driven so fast in his life, and perhaps the last as well. But just as the world had screeched to a halt when he'd lost his baby, then his wife, it started moving again, too fast to keep up. His head spun, and he realised he wasn't ready for this: not at all.

But now he had hope in his hands. Kanade's hope.

It was still a few weeks before he could bring the child, who he'd been quick to give the name Kanade had so wanted for him, back home. And those weeks flew faster than the pollen on spring's wind. He ran about so haphazardly in the office the next day that his friends thought he'd lost his head. But then they got the story out of him and offered their help: all they'd given in the past year, again.

He cried. That was the second time he'd cried in his office, and he didn't care. Nor did anyone else, except to straighten him up and set him on his path again. But things started to look up after that. He was suddenly busy raising a child in an apartment that had become quickly crammed, without a wife. He had no time for moping anymore.

Though sometimes he would; he couldn't help but find those days, those few hours, where he'd slip away into that dim scene where it was only his heart echoing loudly in his ears. But his friends, bless them, were there when that happened – and Kanade's as well, taking him away for a little time outside, looking after Yuzuru while he was gone.

But those times grew less and less as Yuzuru wriggled firmly into his father's heart. Cute little Yuzuru who really was the bundle of energy Kanade had envisioned him, at least in his youth. He grew more sombre with age, asked about his mother more and more as well.

'So what's your son up to these days, Otonashi?'

That had been the hardest question he'd ever had to answer, he thought, sipping at his drink. 'Entrance exams,' he replied. 'He's applying for medicine.'

'Good on him,' his colleague and friend nodded. 'You raised a good boy.'

'Not really.' He looked at his drink. 'You all helped. And Kanade too. And…' He smiled a little, staring at the reflection of the old man in the drink. '…he might have raised me.'

'Too sappy.' The other quickly chugged down his own drink and waved for another. 'But little bundle of hope and growing up and all that – almost makes me wish I'd settled down.'

Almost…and he didn't have to say the reason why. Otonashi knew: because a tragedy had played out so close to him.

Even though it might have had a happy ending after all.

'I still wish Kanade could have seen him…' He closed his eyes. 'But it feels as though she did. That little kid running around in the country town? Exactly like she'd pictured him.'

'Strings of fate or something?' The co-worker grinned. 'I guess that's the reason you named him Yuzuru?'

The father shrugged. 'Kanade chose the name. She said it just felt right. Almost as if she had seen him before.'

'Maybe she had…if you believe in reincarnation and all those things.'

'Maybe…' Otonashi agreed. 'Especially if that means dreams can have another chance of coming true.'

'But Kanade's dream did come true, in the end.' The phone rang. 'Is that Yuzuru done with his exam?'

'It's too early for that,' the father disagreed. 'He shouldn't even be there yet.'

'Got a new girlfriend lined up then?' It was a joke. Both of them were too old now, and there had never been another woman like Kanade. 'And where the hell is that exam?'

'The real estate agent,' Otonashi replied. 'And the exam's in Tokyo.'

The co-worker whistled. 'That's quite the distance. Does this mean you're planning a permanent move?'

'Something like that.' The brown liquid gently swayed, catching a few rays of light from overhead. 'I can't bear to part with him quite yet.'

Even if Yuzuru was almost eighteen and old enough to live on his own in Tokyo.

'Assuming he gets in,' the co-worker pointed out. 'Though I'm sure he will. He's a good, smart boy.' His new drink arrived, and he sipped at the foam that topped it. 'Though medicine, huh. Shows us old men up, huh.'

'That was entirely his mother. Her stethoscope…and the thought of advancing medicine to the point where it can save people like Kanade…and that child that would have been Yuzuru's elder sibling as well.'

The co-worker gulped a third of his drink. 'It's been a while since I've heard you mention that,' he commented. 'Wish your son good luck on his exam for me.'

'Will do.'

The End

Post A/N: Okie dokie, explanation. I believe I promised that.

The premise of this fic was Kanade having Yuzuru's heart in the afterlife. That makes sense in one aspect, seeing as Kanade died with his heart in her chest and not her own. And Yuzuru was without his heart during that time as well. But if they entered the afterlife in that state, and there was no hints of either of them getting their original hearts back, that meant they left the afterlife like that as well.

On that premise, it was possible that (especially if Kanade was born before) the next time Yuzuru would be born, it would be without his heart, because it was with Kanade. Which is the explanation behind the miscarriage that occurs in the third chapter and is confirmed in the fourth. Once Kanade was dead, Yuzuru's heart was free and could perhaps go back to his body in time for the next reincarnation (however that would work). So Yuzuru born after Kanade died was born with his heart, and because it was his heart and he'd never had heart troubles to begin with, no problems in this life either. And this time it's Kanade and her stethoscope that inspire Yuzuru to become a doctor – and yes, I was evil enough to end the story with him being on the train on his way to the entrance exam – the same situation he died in the canon time. Not that he necessarily will die here, but the option's there.

Another thing I thought I should mention as well is Kanade's husband/Yuzuru's father in this fic. I never intended to name him, even after realising he was going to become quite central in the later chapters. Because, in the end, this story is about Kanade and Yuzuru and the situation with the heart. As such, many things about him are generalised: his name (he's referred to as his surname in this chapter, and not even that in the other ones), his work, the details about that year and a bit all alone. Of course, the story wouldn't work at all without him, so he's still a vital part of this story. I also tried not to make him a Gary-stu, but jugging between that and the circumstances I threw him into was quite tricky. Okazaki Tomoya from Clannad inspired a little of Otonashi – but as you can see, Yuzuru was not living with grandparents this time. More inspiration was probably Sanae and Akio: the parents who lost their daughter but raised their granddaughter in the void. After all, Yuzuru was the dream Kanade had left behind.

And as for why Kanade was using the bell instead of the diaphragm, the diaphragm is more sensetive so it might pick up the abnormal sounds of a failing heart as well. Kanade didn't want to hear that - though I have my doubts the bell of a classic stethescope would be able to make out a baby's heartbeat anyway... The bell is usually only used to make out the mitral stenosis murmur (but that might be getting too technical...). But for simplicity's sake, the diaphragm is the one that doctors use to check heart beat in most cases. If they turn it around and use the bit without the covering, that's the bell.

Lastly, a late coming disclaimer. I have no experience with pregnancy or miscarriage, and the closest person to me who's died is my grandfather when I was quite young. I am a medical student, but at the point I wrote this story I haven't covered the relevant areas or seen any patients, so all medical information is from my textbooks and the internet, and the more emotional aspects are from talking to people who were willing to share their experiences with me. So thank you to everyone who helped me write this story, and to my readers, thank you for sticking with this story and I hope I've been able to portray the things explored in this fic in a realistic manner.

Thanks for reading, and see you guys next Angel Beats fic!