Chapter Thirteen
Sakura and Sasuke make camp in a cave ten miles west of the Fire Country's border. They're far from Ame, but the rain persists, and the sky is grey and bleak despite the dawn.
Sakura is so exhausted she can barely stand. Wearied from travel, blood loss, and the remains of the drugged tea she drank at the Golden Lotus. She mended her wound and removed as much of the sedative as she could while Sasuke fought off Hamasaki's men at the brothel, but there wasn't time to heal herself properly. Now she's ready to collapse, but while Sasuke builds a small fire, Sakura performs a quick blood replenishing jutsu on herself. She feels nothing at first, but as the minutes pass, warmth overtakes the creeping cold under her skin and her strength starts to return.
"Here," Sasuke says, and he gives her his jacket.
"Thank you." She's still wearing nothing but the silk shift they gave her at the Golden Lotus, now stained and ripped. Sakura wraps the jacket around her body, using it like a blanket, and scoots closer to the young fire.
Sasuke surprises her by sitting by her side and sliding his arm around her waist. "You're freezing," he says.
Maybe she ought to protest. It's only been a few days since she ended things between them, and he really shouldn't touch her so freely, as if she belongs to him. But all Sakura does is rest her head on his shoulder and breathe in the scents of rain, blood, and woodsmoke.
"I'm glad you were the one with me on this mission," she says. "I know I can trust you, and I needed that."
"I still wish Naruto had chosen another kunoichi for this one," Sasuke says. "Not because you can't handle it; I know you can. But you don't belong in a place like Tosogawa. You're too—" He stops himself and looks away from her.
"Too what?" she asks.
Sasuke sighs. "Too good. Too pure."
Sakura would almost want to laugh—she's not very good and there's little left of her that's pure—but there's something in the way Sasuke speaks those words, softly, almost reverent, that keeps her from finding this funny.
"Thank you," she whispers.
Sakura falls asleep and dreams of a different life. One in which she is a simple woman and Sasuke is a simple man. They raise rice and three children, and it's just possible that they're happy together.
She wakes with a smile on her lips. Now she's on the rock floor, and their fire is dying down to ash and red-hot embers. Sasuke lies behind her, his hard body pressed flush against her back, so close and warm. Still half-asleep, the memory of the sweet dream lingering, she stretches against him and says, "Sasuke-kun." She hears his breath quicken, feels his arm tighten around her middle.
Then he pulls away and says, "We should get back to Konoha."
Suddenly Sakura feels cold again. Awake and aware, the lie of a simple life dispelled.
Sasuke sees little of Sakura in the weeks after their mission. When Naruto drags them out to Ichiraku she's always careful to sit away from him, and whenever he tries to speak to her she is too busy to talk. So he stops trying.
He follows a strict routine, not so different from the way he lived before, but now it feels empty. When he trains, when he cooks, when he goes to bed, he misses Sakura. Sasuke expects this ache to fade with autumn, but it doesn't.
Nights are the worst. Without Sakura beside him, he dreams of his dead family almost every time he sleeps. Itachi weaves in and out, sometimes an enemy, sometimes the Nisan he loves, but always elusive. Always out of reach.
Winter comes, then spring. The Leaf withers, and the Leaf blooms, and Sasuke's days feel hollow, no matter how full they are. He takes the longest, most dangerous missions that come across the Hokage's desk, and when he's forced to stay in Konoha he spends his time training and sparring with Naruto.
Sasuke tries to teach himself some medical ninjutsu so that he can avoid the hospital, but healing is much harder than he anticipated and he's hopeless at it. So the next time he's injured, Sasuke goes to Naruto's house and asks Hinata to fix his broken arm.
She gives him her soft, nervous smile and invites him inside. Naruto isn't home yet, so she puts Kushina in her playpen, directs him to sit on the living room couch, and examines him.
"This should only take a few minutes," Hinata says. "The fractures aren't too bad."
While she works, Sasuke watches the baby. She's about nine months old now, and she crawls around the playpen, picking up toys and chewing on them. Kushina tries to stand once, but she's barely on her feet for a second before she falls backwards and lands on her diapered bottom. Sasuke feels a strange pang of envy, and before he can stop himself, he wonders what his children might look like if Sakura were their mother—
"You could have gone to the hospital," Hinata says in her gentle way. "Sakura's not even in Konoha today. She's on a mission with her genin."
Sasuke considers claiming that his choice to come here had nothing to do with Sakura, but for some reason he finds it difficult to be dishonest with Naruto's wife. "Do you know when she gets back?" he asks.
Hinata nods. "Tomorrow, if her mission goes well."
Sasuke can feel his bones mending. Not quite as painlessly or as quickly as when Sakura heals him, but expertly done nonetheless. Now that he's tried his hand at medical ninjutsu, he has a greater appreciation for the work Sakura does, and perhaps he should tell her so the next time he sees her.
Maybe tomorrow he will speak to her. Confess that the shirt she can't find is at his apartment, and when she dropped by in November to ask if he still had any of her things he flatly lied when he said, "No." That he hasn't had one peaceful night's sleep since she left him, and he misses the smell of her hair almost as much as the sound of her laugh.
There are many things Sasuke could tell Sakura, but he knows that he won't.
"Are you all right?" Hinata asks.
"Yes, I'm fine."
It's difficult to read the Hyuuga. They are a reserved clan, guarded, and their wide eyes appear blank and inexpressive outside of combat. Even so, Sasuke can tell she doesn't believe him.
"There, all better," Hinata says.
"Thank you." Sasuke stretches his arm, says goodbye, and returns to the apartment that has felt less and less like home in Sakura's absence.
She passes her days taking missions, training her genin, and healing at the hospital. Visiting her parents and Naruto, cooking with Ino, and babysitting little Kushina. Sakura stays so busy that she hopes she won't have time to think about Sasuke, but this isn't quite how things work out. She finds herself distracted during conversations, over dinner with her family, while she's mending broken bones and burns.
She's having breakfast with her mother early one Sunday morning when her thoughts drift to Sasuke once again. She saw him at lunch with the rest of Team 7 just yesterday, and she can't help but think he looks tired. Beautiful and stubborn as ever, but weary, and she worries about him.
"Sakura? Did you even hear me?" Okaasan asks.
"What? No, I'm—I'm sorry." Sakura runs a hand through her hair. "What did you say?"
Okaasan frowns at her. "I said you seem sad. I want to know what's wrong."
"It's Sasuke," Sakura says.
Her mother asks, "What about him?"
"Oh, same old, same old. I love him, and he doesn't love me back." She shrugs and smiles, takes a bite of tamagoyaki.
Sakura knows her relationship with Sasuke is over. She isn't bound by any of the rules he set anymore, and she doesn't owe him anything. If she wanted, she could tell her mother everything. She could, but she doesn't.
Okaasan sighs and asks, "How long has it been now?"
"Twelve years," Sakura says. "Isn't that pathetic? To pine after the same man for all that time?"
"You aren't pathetic. You're clever and beautiful and the best kunoichi in this village. I like Sasuke—he's a good man, I think, despite all he's done—but if he can't see those things, then he doesn't deserve you," Okaasan says firmly.
"I know," Sakura says. "Trust me, I do."
If she was willing to accept less than she deserved, Sakura would still be at Sasuke's beck-and-call, running to him whenever he was in the mood for her and running away whenever he wasn't.
"You'll be all right," her mother says. She reaches across the table and takes her hand. "You're a strong woman."
"Thanks," Sakura says. "You always know how to make me feel better."
Okaasan smiles. "It's what mothers do, sweetheart. You'll understand that one day."
Sakura isn't so sure that's true, but she would like for it to be. Maybe, now that she's had her chance with him, she can let Sasuke go and find some other man. Move on, get married, and have children. She isn't naive enough to believe that she'll ever love anyone else the way she has loved Sasuke, but Sakura thinks that perhaps she can try to make a new life anyway.
She turns twenty-four at the end of March, and Naruto throws her a surprise party that she pretends not to know about. Part of her hopes Sasuke will show up, but eight o'clock passes, then nine, then ten, and with every hour that he doesn't walk through the door Sakura drinks more sake. By midnight she's half drunk, and she sits at a corner table with all of the Rookie 9 besides Sasuke. There is an extra chair at the table, waiting for him, but she is certain he won't be claiming it.
"Happy birthday!" Kiba shouts, and the others echo him.
Naruto glares at the empty chair like it has personally offended him. "I can't believe Sasuke didn't show," he says.
"Yeah, because he's so social." Ino rolls her eyes. "Forget him. Let him stay home and polish his weapons, or whatever it is he does."
Sakura wonders about Sasuke's nights, and whether he's found company to keep. Some new woman to warm his bed. It hurts too much to think about for long, so she goes to the bar and orders another bottle of sake.
Someone warm and strong wraps his arm around her from behind. She doesn't think for a moment that it's Sasuke, because he would never be so familiar with her in public.
"What do you want, Taro?"
He laughs. "Is that any way to greet a friend?"
"We're not friends," Sakura corrects him. "We barely know each other."
"Then get to know me better." He bends down and kisses the side of her neck, a fleeting press of lips that would have once made her heart beat faster. But now that she's known Sasuke's touch, Taro's feels disappointing. A reminder of what she's lost, what she'll never have again.
She remembers what it felt like to lie in bed after she and Taro finished fucking: empty, thrown-away. Things couldn't have been more different with Sasuke, who nearly always wanted to kiss and hold her even after the sex was over. It was almost like he couldn't keep himself from touching her, and nothing else in Sakura's life has made her feel as wanted. She remembers all the nights she spent with Sasuke, just cooking and talking and sleeping in the same bed. Nothing like her time with Taro, who only ever satisfied her between the sheets.
She knows he can't offer her any of the things Sasuke could. Besides, she's done letting herself be used. Sakura would rather be alone than with a man who won't respect her.
She unwraps his arm from around her waist, takes the hot bottle of sake from the bartender, and says, "Goodnight, Taro. Don't bother me again."
Hours later, when the party is over and Sakura is feeling uncomfortably sober, she walks through the streets of Konoha, dreading the cold bed that waits for her at home. She circles around to Sasuke's part of town, and some weak part of her wants to visit his apartment. Not to sleep together—she knows better than to go down that road again. Sakura just wants to talk to him, spar with him, see his rare smile. She'd do almost anything to break the frozen silence that's fallen between them, but she's scared of trying. Terrified that as soon as she lets Sasuke in he'll find some fresh way to hurt her.
The morning after Sakura's birthday party, Sasuke wakes to an angry Hokage knocking on his door.
"Sasuke! Open up, dammit!" Naruto shouts.
Sasuke lets him inside, if only to keep him from breaking down the door.
"You're an ass, you know that?" Naruto says. He walks into Sasuke's living room as if he owns the place—and in a way he does, because this whole village is his to protect.
"What do you want?"
"I wanted you to come to your teammate's party, but it's a little late for that."
"Like Sakura cares." And Sasuke can't help but add, feeling bitter and resentful, "She wouldn't have talked to me if I'd been there."
"Why not?" Naruto asks. "What did you do to Sakura-chan?"
"Nothing."
"You're lying." Naruto points at him and says, "I've known you both for half our lives, and I can tell when you're hiding something."
"It's none of your concern, Naruto." Sasuke leans against the wall and puts his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants. He tries to look bored, disinterested, but he doubts he's successful. For some reason he isn't much in the mood to dissemble.
"You and Sakura are my friends," Naruto says. "And you're not talking to each other. You haven't for months. Our team hasn't been this broken since—well, since you left Konoha. Something happened, and you gotta tell me what it is so I can help you fix it."
"This isn't your problem," Sasuke says, sharply, so maybe his friend will mind his own business.
But Naruto is as single-minded and stubborn as ever. He crosses his arms over his chest and says, "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on."
He could try to kick Naruto out, or feed him a believable lie. Something with just enough honesty in it to sound realistic.
Instead, he finds himself telling the truth.
"I slept with Sakura," Sasuke says.
Naruto freezes, and he asks, "What?"
"You heard me." He's not saying it again; he already regrets saying it once, but it's too late to take his words back.
Naruto is quiet for a long moment, then he rushes at Sasuke and pushes him in the chest, hard. This close, Sasuke sees that the lines on Naruto's cheeks stand out more harshly than usual, that there is a hint of red to his sky blue eyes.
"You bastard," Naruto says. "You know how Sakura-chan feels about you. How could you take advantage of that?"
Sasuke laughs, a short, rough sound with little humor behind it. This must be the wrong thing to do, because Naruto grabs him by the front of his shirt and shakes him. "What's so funny, huh?"
"You," Sasuke says. "Tell me, Naruto, what bothers you more: that I hurt Sakura, or that I was fucking her right under your nose and you were too blind to notice?"
Naruto hits him, and pain bursts behind his left eye. Sasuke shoves his friend away, readies himself for a fight, and maybe that's what he's been looking for since Naruto knocked on his door.
Their combat is all fury and little skill, more a brawl than taijutsu. They kick and punch each other, and in five minutes they've broken every piece of furniture in the living room. When they're both bruised and bloodied and too tired to keep going, Naruto lets himself slide down the wall to the floor. The anger seems to have gone out of him, and he sits there, breathing hard and frowning.
Sasuke takes a seat next to him, stretches out his legs, and gingerly touches his sore ribs. One or two of them might be cracked, but the only way he'll know for sure is if he goes to the hospital and risks seeing Sakura. He'd ask Hinata to heal him again, but it seems wrong to go to her for help right after breaking her husband's nose.
"You're a shit friend," Naruto says. He sounds more weary than accusatory.
"Hn. I know." Sasuke leans his head back and looks up at the ceiling. A water mark spreads across the white surface like an indelible brown cloud.
"Why would you do that?" Naruto asks.
Sasuke doesn't answer for a long while. When he finally speaks his words are slow and measured. "Because I wanted her, and I'm used to taking what I want."
Naruto sighs. "That's not very fair."
Little was fair about the way he treated Sakura. Sasuke knows this, and there's so much he would change if he had it do over again.
"I wonder why she didn't tell me," Naruto says.
Sasuke runs a hand over his face. "I asked her not to. I wanted to keep it between us."
Naruto looks at him, and his eyes are pure blue again. "You must have hurt her bad, Sasuke, and you can't just leave it like this. You gotta try to make things right."
"I don't know how," he admits. "I think I might have ruined us."
Naruto smiles and shakes his head. "That's the thing about our team that you never understood: nothing can do that."
Author's Note: Not gonna lie, I threw a little party when this story hit 600 followers. I really can't thank my readers enough for favoriting, following, and reviewing. We're closing in on the end now, just two chapters left, and it's a little bittersweet. I've so enjoyed writing and sharing this fic, and everyone's support has been so encouraging. And I owe a big thank you to uchihasass and tall-girl-in-a-small-world for their help with this chapter. I couldn't do this without you ladies!