Authors note: So here's the next chapter for the hunting game, and I want to say that I'm not really taking requests for this story, I know people are going to want requests but I really don't take them for this one in particular. Also, for this game in particular, Dipper and Wendy are almost always in character as the father and son in the game, at least their own versions, so if they seem off that's because they're acting like someone else. Other than that, enjoy the new chapter and review as always.
Chapter 3: Uganda Sucks
O-O-O
10 years later
Cole and his dad, along with a travel guide named Mbeki, are now traversing through a river on a small boat in Uganda.
"Welcome to Uganda, son. They kill gay people here." Said Wendy, back to her father impersonation.
"Well that's good. I killed at least six gay since we last saw each other." Replied Dipper, imitating the son as well.
"…what?" Said Wendy, surprised at the response.
"Mbeki here is the finest tracker in Africa." Said the father in the game, pointing to Mbeki, though Wendy had her own interpretation of Mbeki.
"Uh, Beki here is the finest tracker of all of Africa." Said Wendy, making Dipper wonder why "dad" said Beki.
"Beki?"
"Yeah Beki. It an unfortunate thing that they do here in Uganda." Said Wendy, still keeping her impersonation while Dipper held back laughter. "They name men with women names. I don't know why that is but, you kind of just gotta go with it."
Cole's father then pointed to some water buffalo drinking from the river, while the twins and Wendy didn't really pay attention to the in game dialogue, preferring the dialogue they make up.
"Now over there, those are water buffalo, son. Don't shoot that." Said Wendy, stressing the importance of water buffalos while Dipper still held back laughter. "That's my- those are my friends. Don't even shoot them in the ass because… I like water buffalos."
All of a sudden, a hippo came from underneath the water and attacked the boat, flipping it over and throwing everyone overboard.
"Oh god!" Shouted Dipper, not expecting the hippo.
"Shit! A hippo!" Said Wendy, still in character with her father impression, finally making Dipper laugh out loud. "Run!"
O-O-O
"Jesus Christ, dad!" Shouted Dipper, back into the role of the hunter as he looked around his surroundings, now at the shore of the river.
'It's okay, son. Now uh, I'm not really here with you, but I'm still in your head." Said Wendy, still in her father impersonation.
"Why does this stuff happen every time we hang out?" Asked Dipper.
"It just seems like danger is around everywhere I go, son." Answered Wendy.
"How did you even survive this long?" Asked Dipper again.
"I just try to look out for hippos." Answered Wendy, making Mabel chuckle at the answer.
Dipper then turned to see two water buffalo across the river bank, and began shooting them with his revolver.
"It those fucking water buffalo, they're just distracting you. They're nothing but a waste of life!" Exclaimed Dipper as he shot the water buffalo.
"Son, I think- you better calm down, son." Said Wendy, wanting Dipper to not shoot the water buffalo. "Those are my water buffalo friends."
"Yeah well, guess what? They're dead." Said Dipper, finishing off the water buffalo as he walked around the shore to find a way out.
"I've developed a relationship with these animals." Said Wendy as Dipper walked into a path surrounded by tall grass, while Mabel just giggled at the new banter about Uganda. "You only kill the animals I don't have a relationship with."
O-O-O
As Dipper walked through a path surrounded by tall grass, a small group of warthogs came from the grass and were running past Dipper in front, startling him as he began shooting the passing animals.
"Oh my god, it's a pig." Said Dipper startled, as he managed to shoot one dead.
"No, it's a warthog, son. Don't shoot them." Corrected Wendy, while Mabel was slightly displeased at her brother for shooting the warthogs, she liked pigs. "I have a relationship with them."
"Well then, what the fuck is up with these plants anyways? They're everywhere I go." Asked Dipper, wondering why there were so many plants blocking his way.
"You can't shoot them, those are my soy crops, son. I'm a farmer now." Answered Wendy, making Dipper snicker at the answer. "I'm nonviolent now."
"Farmer?" Said Dipper surprised. "I thought you were a hunter."
"I'm a farmer, son. All of those salad wolves you killed ten years ago, I used their salad corpses to grow my crops." Explained Wendy, making the twins laugh at the ridiculous answer.
While walking deeper inland of the river coast, Dipper spotted slithering towards him on the ground.
"That's a snake." Warned Wendy, as the snake bit Dipper, taking off some health while showing a snake bite on the screen.
"Oh god." Said Dipper, not expecting the snake to bite.
"That snake is biting you, son." Pointed out Wendy, as Dipper stepped back to find the snake.
"Oh shit." Said Dipper, seeing the snake and shot it dead with the revolver.
"It bit you in the nads." Said Wendy, as Dipper was now on the lookout for snakes. "It's got little pointy teeth and it sticks it right in your ball sack, and it injects the poison."
Dipper just laughed at the snake comment while Mabel held back her laughter, as Dipper spotted another two snakes from the corner of his eye.
"Dude, they're fucking everywhere!" Exclaimed Dipper as he shot the snakes.
"You gotta fuck that snake, son." Said Wendy, making Mabel crack up in laughter. "That'll get the poison out of your balls and back into the snake. You understand?"
After Dipper shot the snakes, he was now paranoid over getting bit again, searching the ground for snakes, and ended up shooting some sticks for mistaking them as snakes.
"You're seeing things, son." Said Wendy, getting a chuckle out of Dipper.
"I fucking hate Uganda."
O-O-O
"GAH!" Exclaimed Dipper, shocked at the sudden emergence of warthogs from the tall grass, shooting wildly at them but missed every shot.
"I thought you said you were a professional hunter, son?" Asked Wendy, still in her impression as Dipper continued forward.
"Yeah well, I use a lot of ammo." Answered Dipper, as he moved into a small murky pond area.
Then out of nowhere, a bunch of vultures start to attack Dipper.
"Ow! Ah! What the- Ow!" Exclaimed Dipper, not expecting vultures out of all things to attack him.
"Vultures are attacking you. They think you're dead." Said Wendy, as Dipper shot the vultures down.
"Fucking vultures!" Dipper exclaimed again, still confused by the illogical attack of vultures that only go after dead animals. "I'm gonna die here."
"Son, if you make it through this and when we get back, I'll let you ride in my new Prius." Said Wendy, making Dipper and Mabel chuckle as the game went into another cut scene.
The cut scene showed a crocodile trying to catch a water buffalo in its jaws, but narrowly escaped as the rest of the heard runs.
"Holy sniper." Said Dipper, expecting to fight crocodiles now.
"Son, save me. I'm trapped inside this alligator." Pleaded Wendy, making Dipper laugh at the ridiculous request for help. "Help. Help me."
"Can I shoot the alligator?" Asked Dipper, as he traversed through the murky shallow waters for his "dad".
"No, I'm inside of it. Don't be a fool." Answered Wendy.
Dipper then got ambushed by one of the crocodiles and managed to avoid it, but hesitated to shoot.
"Can I shoot this one, dad?" Asked Dipper, waiting for Wendy's permission.
"Yes, I'm not inside that one." Answered Wendy, making Dipper shoot the crocodile, and when it died, it popped up ten feet in the air before going belly up, which made the twins burst out with laughter.
"Holy shit!" Exclaimed Dipper, trying to contain his laughter now after seeing the crocodile jump ten feet.
"They pop up pretty high when you shoot them." Said Wendy, still managing to keep her cool while in her father impersonation, while Dipper still tried containing his laughter from the popping crocodiles.
O-O-O
"Help, son. I'm still trapped in the alligator." Said Wendy, as dipper continued forward, shooting crocodiles along the way. "Or the croc. Whatever it's called."
"I'm trying da- wait. You can't tell what it is?" Asked Dipper, wondering if Wendy knew the difference between a crocodile and an alligator.
"I'm inside of it, they all look the same." Argued Wendy, which made Dipper laugh. "Have you ever been inside a croc?"
"I'm coming dad!" Exclaimed Dipper, ready to save his "dad" from the alligator, or the croc whatever, as he sprinted through the shallow water. "All the alligators are- AH GOD!"
A crocodile struck from the water, this time it caught Dipper and dragged him into a quick time event to shoot it dead.
"That's the one, son. Get it! Get me out of here!" Exclaimed Wendy as Dipper shot the crocodile.
"I'm trying, dad!" Exclaimed Dipper as he killed the crocodile. "Fuck."
After a few moments of silence, Wendy then broke it while continuing her father impression.
"I was just kidding. I wasn't really trapped in an alligator." Said Wendy, making Dipper chuckle.
"Fucking asshole." Said Dipper lowly while chuckling, as he continued forward to his objective, shooting crocodiles in the process that all went ten feet in the air before dying.
"These are actually all robotic alligators." Said Wendy, giving her reason as to why the crocodiles pop up in the air, while the twins held back their laughter, wanting to hear Wendy's explanation. "That's why when you shoot them for the final time, they pop up in the air because there's a mechanical arm underneath that throws them up."
The twins just stifled their giggles as Wendy expanded on the whole robotic alligator situation.
"This is all actually… a setup. My whole life has been devoted to fucking with you, son." Said Wendy, making Dipper chuckle as he asked a question.
"Did it take you ten years to set up this animatronic alligator farm?' Asked Dipper.
"No, only a few months." Answered Wendy, laughing at Wendy's answer. "I have a friend. His animatronic… uh, alligator restaurant just closed down recently and he was trying to get rid of a bunch of these things."
O-O-O
After killing a bunch of the "animatronic alligators", Dipper stumbled upon an old wooden shack with a wooden walkway that had health and ammo.
"Are there any like, murder laws in Uganda?" Asked Dipper as he picked up the supplies.
"No, no." Said Wendy, before thinking of another answer. "Well, the only murder law in Uganda is, kill whatever you want."
This made the twins laugh while Wendy finished.
"It's not really a law I suppose, it's more of a suggestion." Finished Wendy, still making the twins laugh as Dipper headed out to go further inland.
As Dipper walked further inland, he could see an old jeep in the distance.
"Son, that car. I left the keys in it for you. You should be able to get out of here." Advised Wendy.
"Oh, okay." Said Dipper, as he walked closer to the jeep, only to see that it's broken down.
"Just kidding. This car is three hundred years old." Said Wendy, chuckling with Dipper as he continued onward.
"Oh, you fucking dick!" Exclaimed Dipper, as he switched to his shotgun for better damage. "I swear to god, dad. I'm gonna put you in a fucking retirement home and throw away the keys."
"I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon, son." Argued Wendy. "I can still take you."
Dipper then got an unexpected bite from a snake he failed to see. "Ow! Fuck!"
"Plus, the snakes are all my friends." Said Wendy, making the twins chuckle at the statement. "You put me in a retirement home, the snakes will come and rescue me, and then hunt you down."
O-O-O
After some snake encounters, Dipper switched to his rifle and was now shooting at a beehive from the distance since it was a collectable, which did not please Wendy.
"Don't shoot the bees, son. What are you doing?" Pleaded Wendy, but it was already too late, the hive was destroyed. "Oh no. We won't have any more honey for my English muffins."
Dipper chuckled at the comment before responding. "I'm gonna fucking kill everything you use for breakfast."
Dipper then walked to some trees, but then two leopards came from down the trees, with one of them sending Dipper into a quick time event to shoot it.
"Don't kill that, son. It's fine. Just relax." Advised Wendy, as Dipper failed to kill the leopard after shooting it six times with a revolver, losing some health in the process. "Sit down. Just sit down. They can't stand you unless you just sit. Sit, son"
That comment made Dipper laugh as he kept getting hit by the leopards, losing more health while managing to kill one of them.
"Son, you need to sit down." Continued Wendy, as Dipper killed the last leopard, noticing that his health was about zero.
"Uh, I think I'm about to die. Dad." Dipper pointed out.
"Yes, exactly. Lie down. There's health in that bush over there, but don't get that." Said Wendy, Dipper not listening as he went to get the health in the bush. "No."
Dipper got the health, making the twins laugh at Wendy for telling them to just lie down and not get health.
Then another leopard leaped at Dipper, and Dipper managed to kill the leopard with a shotgun before it got close, and pretended to breathe heavily in character. "AH *inhale* AH *inhale* AAAHAH!"
"There's another car over there. The keys are definitely in this one." Said Wendy, pointing at another jeep in the distance. "I promise. There's not a leopard underneath the seat."
"If you're lying to me again, I swear to god, dad." Warned Dipper as he walked the distance to the jeep.
"Why would I lie to you, son? I always tell the truth." Said Wendy as Dipper managed to reach the jeep, only to find it stuck in the water by the river. "The keys are in there, but uh, there's no tow trucks in Uganda so…"
"Goddamn it, dad." Said Dipper, acting frustrated over the truck in character.
"Yeah, I know. It's frustrating." Agreed Wendy. "Every time you get stuck, you just leave your vehicle there, it sucks."
This just made the twins laugh as Dipper continued onward, leaving the jeep behind.
O-O-O
Dipper eventually made his way to a small gorge that led down into a shallow river bank surrounded by tall grass, as a leopard leaped in front of Dipper for a quick time event.
"Oh fuck." Said Dipper, getting annoyed with the quick time events as he followed some arrow motions for the quick time event.
"You're dead now, the cut scene always kills you." Said Wendy, confusing Dipper by what she meant as another leopard knocked him down into the river bank.
"Shit." Said Dipper, as the two leopards circled around him in a cut scene. "Shit, shit, shit, shit."
But then the leopards heard something and ran off into the tall grass, as if something else was coming.
"Oh, thank god." Said Dipper relieved. 'That must be-
"A mosquito. Yes." Interrupted Wendy, as a hippo came charging at Dipper, mouth agape, and put Dipper into another quick time event.
"OH! Fucking charging hippo!" Exclaimed Dipper, managing to avoid the hippo as it disappeared into the tall grass. "Didn't see that coming."
While Dipper was trying to find his way around the tall grass on a dirt path, he had a question for Wendy.
"So wait, are leopards afraid of hippos?" Asked Dipper.
"Oh, hell yes. Hippos will fuck you up." Answered Wendy, still in her father impersonation.
"Are hippos the alpha predator?" Asked Dipper again."
"No, they're just the fattest." Answered Wendy, making the twins laugh at the answer.
Then the hippo struck again, barely making a sound besides the screen rumbling as it charged at Dipper for another quick time event, catching him off guard but managing to avoid the hippo again.
"Goddamn it." Said Dipper, chuckling in between at the hippo's stealth. "For big fat fuckers, they sure are fast and quiet."
"That's because they've been doing cardio." Said Wendy, making Dipper laugh. "I helped them exercise at least six hours a day to burn off all that fat."
"How are they so quiet then?" Asked Dipper, as he had to avoid the hippo again.
"I made stealth generators for them. Now they can sneak up on you and fuck you up." Answered Wendy, making both twins laugh now.
"Dad, you're an asshole."
O-O-O
Dipper then came across a small dark cave, not really paying any attention to it as he continued onward, until Wendy spoke up.
"Son, come into this cave. Come in here, I've arranged a picnic." Said Wendy, trying to convince Dipper to go in the cave as he looked at it.
"I really don't want to go in there." Said Dipper, not trusting Wendy's word.
"It's going to be a lot of fun. Come here." Said Wendy, still attempting to convince Dipper as he looked at the cave for a few seconds.
"I'm gonna go get this health pack." Said Dipper, going to get some health he found somewhere else.
"No, no. It's just you and me." Said Wendy, still trying to convince Dipper. "I've got your favorite, salad and tofu."
"I haven't eaten salad since two thousand one, when I saw my brother get eaten alive by three wolves made out of salad." Said Dipper, unconvinced as he shot another crocodile in wait for him.
"Uh, your brother, he's in the cave." Said Wendy suddenly, making the twins laugh. "He's okay. Son, come here. Your brother, he's alive."
"Really?" Asked Dipper as he went to the cave.
"Yes, along with your mother." Answered Wendy, as Dipper went inside the cave, calling out for his brother.
"Broski?" Called out Dipper, as he prepared to say many other nicknames for the brother. "Brosiden? King of the Broshin?
"Brosiden is here." Said Wendy, as Dipper continued to call for his brother.
"Abroham Lincoln? Broseph? Humphrey Broghart?"
After numerous names, Dipper was disappointed that he was lied to again and left the cave.
"There's nothing in here, dad." Said Dipper disappointingly. "No fucking salad, no tofu, no brohams."
"Oh, it was a different cave, I meant. I thought you were at this other cave." Said Wendy to Dipper's response. "I'm sorry."
O-O-O
Dipper then came across ta path to follow, but it was no ordinary path, a stampede of wildebeests came from the side of the path and blocked it, giving Dipper no choice but to go forward past them.
"Are you serious?" Said Dipper, frustrated with the wildebeest's sudden appearance. "Is this just a never-ending herd of Ugandan moose?"
"You gotta thread the needle, son." Said Wendy, making Dipper laugh at the statement.
"What the hell does- AH!" Dipper then got hit by the wildebeests, shocking him since he did not pay attention while crossing.
"It means look both ways before crossing, and you didn't listen, son. I thought you learned about safety at school." Said Wendy, as Dipper managed to pass the herd and into some grasslands.
"I didn't because you dragged me to, what the- AH! CHRIST!" Dipper was interrupted when he was attacked by vultures again. "Really?"
"Yeah, vultures. They do that." Said Wendy, not giving a fuck about all the crazy animal attacks going on in the game.
"No they don't!" Argued Dipper, as he began shooting vultures with a rifle. "They're the laziest bastards in the animal kingdom."
"They attack humans constantly. Haven't you heard?" Quickly argued Wendy, as Mabel chuckled at the argument. "Always attacking people in the face. It's become a cliché in Africa to say, "Oh, you're like a vulture attacking me in the face." It's Birdemic, son."
O-O-O
After fighting off the vultures again, Dipper ended up at the river bank again, and then got bit by another snake.
"Oh, come on!" Exclaimed Dipper, sick of the snakes biting him.
"Now there's snakes again." Said Wendy in a bored tone, making Dipper laugh at Wendy's boredom. "It's kind of like the wolves, in the-in the north, son."
After a few more snake bites, Wendy shouted out to Dipper in character.
"Run son! Run!" Exclaimed Wendy, wanting Dipper to rush through.
"Why?" Asked Dipper, taking it slow and shooting snakes.
"The snakes." Said Wendy, pointing them out so Dipper would just run.
"I have to go slow or the snakes will kill me." Said Dipper, as he continued to go slower to avoid getting bit.
"Run! You can escape the snakes, just run fast and they won't bite your balls." Said Wendy, making Dipper laugh while Wendy came up with an excuse for Dipper to go.
"Son, I'm dying. I want to give you my last wishes and-
While distracting Dipper, he almost got killed by the hippo charging at him, narrowly avoiding its jaws.
"Just kidding. I just wanted you to run into a hippo." Said Wendy, making Dipper laugh.
O-O-O
The stage was eventually completed, and Dipper's stat screen showed that he unlocked a level called bear mountain.
"Level unlocked, Bear mountain. Hmm." Wondered Dipper.
"Yes, come to bear mountain. There's so many waterslides, you won't even believe it." Said Wendy, as the game loaded into the next level called Grasslands.
"Are there any BEARS?" Asked Dipper sarcastically.
'They come down the waterslide after you and you have to shoot them." Answered Wendy, making the twins laugh at the ridiculous answer. "That's the fun of it."
O-O-O
Next time on Dangerous Hunts 2011
"Rudderford the water buffalo saved my life once." Said Wendy in her father impersonation, as Dipper stood over a dead water buffalo.
"I'm gonna shoot him in the dick." Said Dipper, as he shot the animal corpse where his groin should be.
"He doesn't have a dick. He never did." Said Wendy, making Dipper snicker. "He was a weird water buffalo."
O-O-O
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls or Cabela's Dangerous Hunts