There are five stages of grieving. The third being bargaining- a need to regain control.
"Can I get you anything? A glass of wine or anything?" Breccan, the highest bidder with a long crooked nose asked her as they moved room to room in his modest Capitol apartment.
Renata smiled, her lips painted red. "I'll have whatever you're having," she ran her hand absentmindedly over a tabletop, surprised when her fingers left streaks in dust. She had thought everything in the Capitol would be spick and span. Seneca's apartment surely had been. When Breccan returned, she accepted the wine from him and smiled, tipping her glass against his with a small clink before sipping at it. He was looking at her curiously over his goblet, appraising her. "Is something the matter?" She laughed softly, fixing a curl that had fallen from her updo.
"No, not at all," he continued to smile and stare. "You look different than I remember seeing you on the television."
"I get that a lot," She took another sip and tried to assuage the nervousness that ebbed at her. "You aren't star struck, are you?" She felt like slapping herself for sounding so haughty. Instead she gave him what she hoped was a sultry smile. The effect was only helped by the touches of makeup Fascal had quickly swiped onto her, complaining that he needed more time with her. With his growing fame and her residence not in the Capitol anymore, he was missing the meetings with his muse.
Breccan chuckled, shrugging and grabbing her arm, gently walking her back towards what she assumed to be his bedroom. She had to commend him on not wasting any time. The quicker it was over, the quicker she could leave. "I take it that Seneca is out of the picture, since you're here?" He motioned for her to sit and the faint ache from where she'd gotten her birth control injection made her want to rub her bottom when she sat.
Her stomach turned, having hoping that that wouldn't come up. But why wouldn't he know about things like that, when he was into courting prostitutes? "You would assume correctly," she murmured, taking a longer pull at her wine.
"It was a little intimidating getting offered to be his replacement. I left that position willingly after my few years, thank you very much. Good thing Heavensbee rose to the occasion, what with it being a Quarter Quell year and all," He shrugged and took her glass for her, setting the both of them on top what looked like a woman's jewelry box. He started to undo the tie of her dress at the front casually as he continued to speak. "Can't imagine he'd disappoint."
Renata shivered as his fingers trailed down the sides of her neck and he sat down beside her and leaned in, beginning to kiss at her neck. She gave him a small whimper, pressing her legs together. Come on, it wouldn't be so bad. But his talk of the Quarter Quell had started a buzzing in her brain and she didn't realize he was saying her name until he gave her shoulder a small shake. "What?"
"Got something on your mind?" He asked with his brow raised. He opened his mouth, like he was about to mention the sum of money he'd dropped for her company. "Put your hand in my lap," he said, shedding his jacket and working on the fastens of his shirt.
She obeyed him without a second thought, slowly moving her hand up and down his thigh until she was rubbing him though his trousers. How many times had she just gone through the motions like this with Seneca? She could be a pretty good actress, she thought, but he always seemed to see through it. After the fact, when he was recovered, he'd look at her with a mix of frustration and disappointment. She moved so she was kneeling on the ground in front of him, her hands moving to undo his pants. Her heart had begun to race as he helped her pull his pants off, his arousal becoming evident through his underwear. Breccan mumbled something, but it didn't sound like any command, so she kept going.
Minutes later when he was hard and slick and in her mouth, he repeated what he had mumbled, more clearly this time, "Mother…"
She choked quietly but didn't let up. He could do whatever; call her whatever he wanted to, it didn't matter. He stopped her before she could finish him off, helping her off her knees and onto the bed. His hands undressed her naked and he looked at her body, not her face, like he wasn't really seeing her.
He reached over into the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of what looked like gel, only he rubbed it elsewhere, making her blush. A bit more awkward situating and he was inside her, driving up again and again to her very core. Renata moaned and moved her hips along with his, her fingers grabbing onto his shoulders. "Ohh…just like that, don't stop," she breathed in his ear, frowning when he shushed her.
Breccen buried his face against her neck and he resumed his sporadic thrusts, which she tried to keep up with. "Mother," he moaned over and over, whispering and yelling. He sniffled and began to move faster, his skin making a soft sort of slapping noise against her hips. He rolled off of her when he was spent, sniveling quietly. Renata swallowed and she rolled over to face him, daring to put a hand on his chest. She could feel what he had left inside her slowly oozing out and she wanted to scrub herself raw. What had happened to this man that made him act like this? To call out for his mother during sex, to cry afterwards…he was like a child. He held onto her hand as he cried, his face turned away from her and his frame trembling as he fought off more tears.
Renata swallowed again as she thought of her own mother, a distant stranger. She wished more than anything that she was alive. Would she love her like her father hadn't? Maybe her father would have loved her if she hadn't died. She bit her lip and felt tears well in her eyes. What would her mother say if she had seen her grow up? Would she have been proud of her winning the games, or appalled at the way she had spilled another person's blood? And what about now; if her mother could see her, lying with a complete stranger, no better than a slave, would she look on her with pity or with shame? She felt cheated. Why was she given the life she had? Why couldn't she have grown up with two happy parents, in a world without the Hunger Games, or the Capitol?
If only she hadn't been born. She thought about that a lot, lately. If she hadn't been born, then Irina would still be alive. She and her father would have been happy together. Cecil would have never come to know that complete screw up that she was, and he would still be alive with the ones that loved him. Maybe if she hadn't been born, so many people would still be alive.
She curled up against Breccen and wept with him for mothers long gone.
He'd come along with her despite her protestations. And it hadn't been hard for him to get onto the train with her; he could charm the birds right out of the trees when he wanted to. But she wouldn't let him take her place, she had been adamant about that. It was both their burden, and she wouldn't have him take the weight of it. So he waited. He paced the hallways in his Capitol apartment, wandering past the décor that seemed to change with every visit he made, making his existence there feel like it would disappear in an instant.
"You're doing it again," Johanna sighed from one of the couches, looking like she was drowning in a baggy black sweater. "Just sit. Jesus, she's with Breccan Tullis, the worst thing he could do is drown her in his tears. That girl must have something that attracts those Gamemakers."
Finnick sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "Tell me again why you're here? I don't remember giving you a key."
"As if you keep it locked anyway?" She raised a brow and got that sly smile on her face. "We're never on the same circuit anymore, so I thought I'd drop in and make myself at home. I can't remember the last time you were in Seven…I thought we were friends, Finn."
He gave her a blank look and sighed, but went and sat on the couch with her anyway. "I've been busy," he mumbled, his fingers itching for a length of rope. He couldn't take the waiting, because then he'd start coming up with elaborate situations which always ended with Rini's body being tossed into an alley somewhere. He rubbed his face vigorously and crossed his arms firmly over his chest. "I'll come soon, there were just some things I needed to take care of."
"Things," Johanna repeated, rolling her eyes. "Haven't you figured out that you can't save everyone?" She picked at the sofa's fabric, nudging him with her foot.
"I'm not doing anything for her," Finnick said and he took her foot in his big hand, beginning to knead her sole with his thumbs. "She's getting stronger. She's saving herself."
"We'll see how strong she is when she gets back. She looked pretty fragile the last time I saw her. I guess a marriage to Seneca Crane would toughen anyone up, though." She pointed her foot until her ankle popped and she sighed, closing her eyes while Finnick held onto her foot. "Have you told her yet?"
"She found out by mistake," He murmured, assuming that she was talking about the uprising. "But yes. She knows." He felt his heart jump to his throat when he heard the front door open. After a moment the redhead appeared, stopping when she saw Johanna and Finnick waiting there.
"Johanna. Finnick," She murmured, her curls haphazardly tied into a bun on top of her head. "How are you? Keeping busy?"
"How was Breccen? Not so bad if you don't mind the crying, yeah?" The brunette sat up and she smirked at Renata, trying to get some sort of emotional reaction out of her. "I reckon he's a right bit different from dearly departed husband?"
"Johanna," Finnick snapped, glaring daggers at her.
"I was just asking," She retorted. "What, did you think I was going to baby her?" She turned her head to look at Rini, raising her eyebrows. "Are you a baby? Do I need to baby you?"
Renata stared at Johanna for a moment before a smile grew on her lips. "No. I'm not."
"Then you will excuse me for treating you like the adult you are," She muttered and stood up, shooting Finnick a look –ha!- and going to get a drink from the kitchen.
Finnick pursed his lips and he stood up, looking at Renata thoroughly. She looked disheveled, but overall unharmed. He hated Johanna's tactic of acting like the whole thing wasn't a big deal. It was emotionally scarring, no matter how she chose to handle it. "You okay?" he asked her, keeping some distance between them.
Renata nodded and she stifled a yawn. "I'm actually alright. What I'd really like is a bath, though."
"I could start one for you, if you like?" He smiled when she nodded and headed to fill the large tub in his bathroom. He turned off the faucet when it was full and started out the door, bumping into the redhead. "Need anything else? You hungry?"
"You could stay with me if you don't mind. I don't want to keep you from Johanna if she needs you," She pursed her lips and set her clean clothes on the sink, beginning to take off her jewelry.
"I can stay," Finnick shook his head and he smiled, a bit of color going to his cheeks despite his effort to stay calm. He stepped out of the bathroom out of respect for her, coming back in when he heard her settle into the warm water.
"Do you ever think about your mom?" she asked after a few quiet moments.
Finnick smiled and he shrugged, laying his cheek on the side of the tub. "All the time. Why?"
"What do you think she'd think about all this? Doing this kind of stuff…would she be angry?"
"She started crying the first time they called on me. She couldn't believe that something like this went on, and that they used people as young as me." Finnick had a funny look on his face, and he stared at Renata without blinking, reminding her of Breccen. "She said that she'd go straight to President Snow and tell him just what she thought of his proposition and where he could shove it," he laughed, having a sad smile on his face. "I should've just listened when they first came."
Renata lifted her hand and she put it to his cheek, making a few streaks of warm water trickle down his cheek. "Do you think you'd have acted the same way she had if your child were in this situation?"
"Without a doubt," he murmured, closing his eyes. "But I don't have children. I never planned on it."
"But if you could?"
He opened one eye and looked at her curiously. "Not like this. I don't want to father a child living like this. The President toyed around with the idea of selling my seed," he pursed his lip and turned red with embarrassment. "He thought that people would pay an arm and a leg to have a child by me, but…thank god he didn't see that as a very good plan. I didn't really like the idea of having hundreds of children running around, either." He sighed and shrugged.
"I used to want a big family, since I never had one," Renata said quietly, letting her hand fall into the tub with a small splash. "I told my dad I wanted to have six babies, so they'd never have to be lonely," she smiled at the memory. "But when I think about it now, it's just silly. I don't feel the desire to have children at all. Not when they'd be so easily lost."
"But if things were different?" Finnick asked. "You'd still have those six babies?"
She smiled and shook her head. "I don't know. I try not to think about how life would be if things were different. It makes living in the present too painful." She sighed and after a moment spoke again, "Could I ask you something? If I wanted to go see Leona and the kids when we get back, would you go with me?"
"Of course," he nodded, the tip of his ears pink. He hadn't been sure what she was going to ask him with all the talk about children. "Rini? Things could very well be different soon." He voiced quietly. He stood up and kissed the top of her head, giving her one last glance over his shoulder before leaving her in the bath.
I regret to inform that I am starting school on Monday, and I'm just 50 shades of not excited. Sooo nervous agh and I want to have time for writing. I'm going to make a real effort to keep it up, because I'm really liking the start I've got going on with these first few chapters. How about this one, eh? Kind of odd. I wanted to have some time for just Rini, and then I really wanted to bring Johanna back for more because ughhh jadore.
Thank you as always for taking the time to read, I hope you enjoyed it :D you all are fantastic! :)
Hopefully you'll hear from me soon!
-Kelsey xx