There are five stages of grieving. The forth being depression.
"Rini?" Finnick lingered in the open doorway of the room, his eyes adjusting to the dark. She had relapsed into hiding herself in her room again, and when she did come out, she seemed to wander around the house in a fog. He walked over to her bed and frowned when he heard a sniffle from within the bundle of blankets. The temperature of the room was mild enough to not need a blanket, let alone more than one, but Renata still carried that fear of freezing cold from her arena two years before. He unearthed her from her cocoon and pursed his lips when he saw that heartbreaking look on her face. Without a word, he climbed into bed beside her and held her close, feeling her shoulders shake with quiet sobs.
"I keep thinking about it, I can't help it. I heard them take him away," She whispered, her small voice muffled even more so against his chest. She wrapped her arm around Finnick and held onto him tightly, the feeling of him holding her enough to lessen the aching her body felt. "B-before, it was just luck, really. He called and I was the one that answered. I got to see him one last time before…" She swallowed and sniffled, closing her eyes when Finnick kissed her forehead. "I just wish I would've known, I wanted to say so many things to him. He must have known. He had to have known. I miss him so much."
He gently stroked her hair and held her close, her body warm as it pressed against him.
"I know I can't change it. I know he's gone, and it's partially my fault-"
"Rini-" He started, but she kept going.
"It is, Finnick. God, all I had to do was lie back and listen, why couldn't I have done that?" She cleared her throat and sighed. "But there's nothing I can do about it now. I can't stop living my own life to try and bring him back. That won't work. I need to let go of him," tears had begun to creep back into her voice. "B-but I don't want to. I can't. I feel so hollow every time I think I can maybe be happy again, because he's dead." Her hand balled into a fist and she began to shake with the effort of holding back tears. "So maybe I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life. However long or short it is." She felt so weak, one of the things she despised most. She had wanted to become whole on her own, but she couldn't. It was too hard for her to pick herself up every day and live. She held onto Finnick tighter and swallowed when he tightened his arms around her. Even if just for a little while, she'd let him hold her together.
"You don't deserve to be unhappy," Finnick whispered. "It's just a consequence of the games. All of us victors…a piece of us died in the arena and we can never get that back. And with things that happen afterwards," he sighed and tilted her face up. "They're trying to take our humanity away."
"To break us," Renata whispered, remembering Snow's words. She sniffled again and shivered, her eyes looking into his. "I just wish I could've said goodbye."
"What's this?" Renata asked, pulling her jacket tighter around her as she walked down to the sand, where Finnick was waiting for her. Her throat tightened as she saw the others gathered around him. "Leona?"
The older woman had seen better days. She gave Rini a small nod and bounced Vic on her hip. The young child smiled when he saw Rini and gave her a waggle of his chubby wrist. "Hello, Renata."
"Rini," Aria went over to her and hugged her tightly, and Renata felt so overwhelmed that she choked back a sob. "I missed you."
"I missed you too. So much," She whispered, holding the young girl close and kissing the top of her head. She pulled away and looked at her a moment, smiling despite her trembling lips. It had only months, but nine year old looked so different. She released Aria's shoulders and walked closer to the shore, swallowing when she saw Polom.
"Hi, Rini," He said quietly, glancing at her face before looking back at the sand. He crossed his arms over his chest and didn't say anything else.
"I thought that this would be a good thing for you, and I spoke to Leona about it and she thought so too," Finnick began, grabbing Renata's elbow and giving her a smile. He motioned to the tiny shrine-like boat at his feet, the inside filled with sand, small stones, and a candle right in the middle.
It was something of a tradition in District Four to light a candle and send it out on the water to honor or remember a loved one. The ceremony was usually done for those lost at sea and Rini could remember Cecil insisting on doing this such service for her father years ago. It was believed to help the ones left behind let go of their hurt and give the ones that had passed on a sign that they were beginning to heal.
Renata watched as Leona set Vic down on the sand, giving his head a loving pat before helping Finnick lift the boat and set it on the water's surface. The kids waded into the water and placed their hands on it, holding it from floating away.
"Come on, Rini," Leona beckoned to her as Finnick struck a match and lit the candle. He passed her on her way into the water, stepping back to give the family their privacy.
Her hands trembled as she placed them on the edge of the boat, looking at the flame as it danced in the gentle breeze. Her emotions were welling up inside her, and she didn't want to let go of the boat for anything. That meant letting go of Cecil, of the man that had first shown her unconditional love. Tears streamed down her face and in the fading daylight she could see that the other three were also crying. She willed herself to let go, felt her arms tense as she prepared to do so. One by one they removed their hands and finally, when Leona put a hand on her shoulder, Renata let go.
The boat bobbed in front of them for a moment, hesitating before the wind began to sweep it away. The small flame stayed lit even after the sun went down and Leona took the kids home, a silent goodbye exchanged between them.
Renata stayed in the water, swaying with the waved that moved against her, her eyes not leaving the tiny speck in the distance. She smiled and laughed quietly, looking at Finnick as he stood in the surf beside her.
"What's funny?" he murmured, watching her intently.
"I do feel better," she sighed, standing a bit taller. It was true. The weight that she had been carrying around on her shoulders felt lessened. The empty feeling in her stomach didn't feel quite so hollow anymore. Maybe she was beginning to heal. "Do you believe it? That they can see the light from wherever they are?"
"I think so," Finnick nodded. "I would hope that they're still thinking about us." He looked up at the night sky and he closed his eyes, the wind ruffling his hair.
She admired him by the light of the moon, feeling the desire for the hundredth time to reach out and touch him, but not disturb him from whatever private moment he was having. When she looked back out at the water, she found that the light was nowhere in sight. "It's gone," she murmured. The wind could have finally blown the flame out, or a swell had overtaken it. Who knew how many lay at the bottom of the ocean? She smiled and squeezed Finnick's hand when he slipped it with hers. "I'm okay," she said, nodding. "I mean it. I'm going to be okay."
"Yes, you are," Finnick nodded in return. He let go of her hand and turned around, getting out of the water. He returned after a moment with a second little shrine, surprising her. Had that been on shore too?
"For your mother?" Renata asked as he lit the candle, the wind a bit stronger now and making the flame move rapidly. She gently set her hands on the side and held it steady, the fire gleaming in her eyes.
"No, I thought you'd maybe want one for Seneca," he said quietly, taking the redhead completely by surprise.
"Finnick," She whispered, swallowing. She tried to come up with something; a thanks? But he merely nodded and left her in the water alone. She held her breath as she held onto the boat and after a moment she let it out and removed her hands, the wind catching the boat and carrying it away from her. She turned away from the flickering shrine and waded back to shore, taking Finnick's hand when he offered it to her. They stood together quietly, watching the boat for a few long minutes. How strange it was to send out a tradition so sacred to their home for a stranger in the Capitol. It may have been the first instance of such a thing.
"Thank you," She whispered, shivering as the wind blew against her wet lower half. "For everything."
"You don't have to thank me. I did it because I wanted to," he murmured, eyes on the boat.
Renata looked up at him and she swallowed, at a loss for words. "Why? Why is all of this so easy for you to deal with? Why am I so easy to deal with?"
Finnick faced her, studying her. "You aren't easy to deal with," He finally grinned. "Hell, on your bad days I think about dunking you in the ocean for good measure, but…" He laughed and shook his head. He stared at her silently until her cheeks burned red and she felt her heart thud nearly to a stop. "I do it because I love you, Rini."
She stared back at him, the depth of his words slowly sinking in her skin and warming her to her very core. "Even though I'm broken?" She finally spoke, searching his face for an answer as he stepped closer to her.
"Would you stop loving me if I weren't?" He asked with a frighteningly serious expression.
She choked out a weak laugh and a tear fell from the corner of her eye, streaking down her freckled face. "Never," she croaked, reaching up to cup his face in her hands. He leaned down to her and their lips touched in a gentle kiss, deepening as he gathered her into his arms.
She could be strong without him. She knew that, and so did he. Whole, maybe not, for they were both a half of a person. Destroyed by the games and the after burn, there wasn't very much hope that they could gain back that sense of humanity that they had lost. Through the people they killed, and the unspeakable things they had been forced to do, there was a point at which one couldn't cross the threshold back. But together it was a little easier. They could build one another up.
They could be whole together.
Hello all. I thought it was about time for a little Finnata, I was needing some badly. Things are about to start getting more exciting, I promise! Sorry it hasn't been all that actiony yet, I'm trying to set up a good groundwork for the events in Catchin Fire and Mockinjay.
Thank you for reading and especially to those that leave me a review, you don't know how happy it makes me and how eager it makes me want to post the next chapter! I hope you all have a lovely week, and thank you again so much for reading :D
One last thought, if you're interested, I have a playlist for Finnick and Rini on my 8tracks account! My account name is meowkelsey if you'd like to find me and give a listen!
-Kelsey x