Author Note: Hopefully this secord installment is as funny as the first!

10 tips for you and your Gypsy King

Now that you've managed to capture the Gypsy King and bring him home, there are some things you need to know in order to smooth the transition from the Catacombs of Paris / Court of Miracles to your own home.

1. Tights are not commonly worn by the general populace, and have not been for some time. The practice of wearing brightly-coloured mismatched hose by your gypsy must be discouraged. Encourage jeans. If your gypsy king prefers tight pants, perhaps a slow acclimation via a "cowboy" stage may aid in the transition. Similarly, large flamboyantly-coloured hats and the wearing of bells should be discouraged.

2. As your gypsy is accustomed to incense, crystal balls and other Bohemian-type paraphernalia, it would be wise to acquire some of these articles for his living area. Explain that bright colours belong on the wall or bed, not as clothing. These items may be readily acquired at garage or yard sales and the "Salvation Army". the word "Army" may actually scare Clopin a bit, or at least put him on edge. If this is the case, you may have to stay with yard sales.

3. As your Gypsy King has a mixed nationality (or rather, has travelled many places and is fairly adaptable), he should adjust fairly well to modern societies' lunacy and fear-driven behaviours. CNN or CBC should stimulate him considerably, as should most other news channels that show carnage with stunning regularity. Similarly, he should have no problems adjusting his palate to modern menus. Allow him to explore these areas on his own.

4. Do not allow your Gypsy King access to large amounts of rope until you are certain that he understands people are commonly NOT hung in our society, even if they do trespass. What exactly CAN one do with three pairs of dead evangelicals that happened to just "stop by to spread the good news". Make solid attempts to convince him that trained goats or domestic geese are more appropriate if he insists on keeping trespassers out. Ditto for carrying a knife, unless you have taken him camping.

5. Gypsies prefer to wash in moving water, and as such it may be difficult to convince your Gypsy King to share the hot-tub with you. If you are to achieve this, it would be best to work slowly to convince him. Failing that, show more chest.

6. Do not restrict access to musical instruments, of any type. Just like Quasimodo, this individual craves musical stimulation and will require an outlet. Fortunately, a tall structure (barn or silo) and access to large amounts of formed bronze are not necessary. Be cautious about music stores, as he may cause substantial increase in debt load due to high levels of spending.

7. Your Gypsy king may not understand how to read, as this skill is uncommon among 15th century citizens, as well as Rom. Start him on sheet music and he should pick it up quickly. Given the Gypsy Kings' reputation, soft porn should also serve nicely. By no means should reading of HoND fanfiction, especially Clopin-centred, be permitted until his sense of humour has been assessed.

8. Socialize your Gypsy King via Renaissance fairs, Medieval Times dinner-theatre, rodeos, fairs or any place there are large numbers of people. Be cautious at public events where stupid people gather in large numbers, as things may get out of hand. Remind him that these places do contain real guards, yet there is no reason to be on edge. Similarly, point out a few RCMP (Mounties) to him with reference to "Frollo's soldiers". This will require explanation that not all ride black horses all the time, they all wear the same goofy hat and the concept of "pepper spray".

9. Sleeping quarters for Clopin should be small, yet well-aired. Multiple open windows are a must, as are wind chimes and incense. It would be advisable to allow the erection of a tent in the yard so that he may camp out if desired. The mattress may or may not be comfortable, let him choose. It is suggested that you buy him a poor-quality mattress, such that he will be encouraged to share your bed more frequently.

10. As the Gypsy King is a very active individual, it is suggested that you introduce him to dance, theatre or some other performing art as an outlet for his energy. Explain to him that theatre will allow him to act more himself in public, yet the wearing of tights, flashing of chest hair and other antics may attract the "wrong" attention.

Hopefully you will enjoy many happy years with your Gypsy King. Please do not hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns regarding maintaining a waterproof tent, how to warn Jehovah's' Witnesses about booby traps from a distance (if you would so choose to), French cusswords, going "boho" or info on why your Gypsy King seems to enjoy reading "Playboy" even though he's illiterate.

For further information, do not hesitate to ask for the following handouts:

- 10 tips for you and your new bellringer

- 101 Recipes for curried goat

- Incense and peppermints: using the 1960's to acclimate your 15th century Rom to modern culture

- Turning right on red and signalling 101: teaching the French how to drive