10 tips for keeping a medieval Minister of Justice

You have managed to convince Claude Frollo to come home with you. It is unsure how this has been achieved, and this author does not want to know. Having read about this individual extensively, it is understood that this individuals' stability will be difficult to maintain. What follows are some tips for keeping this man happy.

1. Schedule a prostate exam ASAP. Firstly, he's of age where this in necessary to ensure there is no cancer. Convince him this is necessary by whatever means you used to get him home, as it must have worked well. Bonus of you convince him of colonoscopy to rule out cancer. Not only is this beneficial to his health, but it also puts him in his place immediately and provides you with opportunity for photographs you may later use against him.

2. Claude Frollo likes to ride horses, and as such it is necessary to either arrange riding lessons or purchase him a horse, if possible. There are several "all black" breeds available locally. A Fresian, Cheval Canadien or Percheron should prove acceptable to his taste. You will be spending much time in the feed / tack store buying mane and tail products, as he expects his horse to be perfect. Dressage, jumping and hunter may appeal to him greatly.

3. You must exercise caution while taking this individual out into public, especially if you happen to live in a major Canadian city or near a native reservation. He may interpret multiculturalism as a negative and become difficult. Rennaissance fairs are a bad idea, as the presence of many people dressed as gypsies, flamboyant dancers and readily available weaponry may appeal to Claude in all the wrong ways. It is best to avoid these gatherings, as well as fairs and rodeos, to maintain calmness. Theatre may be appeal to him, yet be selective when reading the program.

4. By no means should you EVER allow this individual near a fireplace, campfire, bonfire or even a candle. It may be difficult to admit romantic candlelit dinners are a no-no, yet it is for the benefit of the rest of your community. Similarly, even if he begs to do "public service", you must explain to the volunteer fire department that he is entirely unsuitable, despite his repeated applications.

5. Find a French Catholic church for him to attend frequently, making a solid attempt to avoid a batty minister / preist. It may be possible to teach him tolerance, with time, yet do not set expectations too high. Enrollment into a college or university-level course on Catholocism or theology may aid in his comfort level. He may desire to teach, yet approach this with caution.

6. To avoid taunting, discourage the wearing of cloaks and capes, regardless of swishiness, except in the wintertime where the extreme cold may actually make them useful. Likewise for oversized hats. Allow him to purchase / contract out capes and cloaks.

7. Your Minister is very conservative in his dining habits, and it may be difficult to feed him acceptably. Expect typical French manners. Bread, wine, cheese, plain meat and potatoes may be all he needs. The smell of curry may put him into a rage. Start with fish fillets or other local, fairly plain, foods to help him adapt.

8. It will be necessary to clear out your browsing history, bookshelves, closets and displayed collections of HOND merchandise before his arrival into your home. Scatter bibles in odd places and add a cross / crucifix to several rooms, while at the same time removing anything by Richard Dawkins, Charles Darwin or Douglas Adams. Late-night Canadian television should be discouraged, as it is often soft porn disguised as art. Lock out Frollo-Esmeralda molestation fiction. Better yet, lock out the internet entirely. Mr Frollo has much intelligence and is likely to figure out the web VERY quickly and find your personal "Frollo Shrine" website complete with self-inserted lust fiction and nauty pictures that you drew of him and you doing less-than-innocent activities since 1996.

9. Being a high-status public figure, Claude is used to sleeping on the very best of satin or silk sheets and finest linens. He will expect the fanciest of bedrooms, highest quality furniture and quality artwork. Shy away from nudes while decorating his room unless you intend on being seduced after he notices them. Ensure windows, crosses, images of "the Virgin Mary" and any other religious art you may find. Ensure there is no fireplace in the room and remove all candles.

10. Do not allow this individual to drive. First, this individual is unlikely to care for others' right to the road, or even their right to exist. Due to this propensity for road rage and lack of awareness of others welfare, he should be kept away from the wheel. Second, he may actually prefer to be chauffeured from place to place. Third, he's French and now living in English Canadian society. Quasimodo, Clopin and even PHOEBUS are able to understand basic traffic law, despite their nationality. Claude lacks the empathy to process the reasoning behind these laws.

Hopefully these tips will allow you to enjoy many years with your Minister of Justice. Due to his advanced age, do not expect the same durability and hardiness of more athletic individuals such as the bellringer or gypsy dancer.

For more information, please read the following information pamphlets:

- Preparing a Bohemian dress for Rennaisaance fairs and use it to pick up a hot gypsy male

- Sewing for the non-crafter: Swishy capes 101

- Thumping Bibles: how to convince someone that religion matters to you when it really doesn't