"So would you mind explaining what happened today, and why my colleague is missing a limb?" So, I'm being interrogated by Ms. Glynda Goodwitch of the North. In an actually police interrogation room. And who came up with the lighting scheme in these rooms?! You got one light bulb just dangling over a table! Seriously!

"Well, long story short, I got kidnapped by a robot, it pulled me into another dimension, and a mad scientist tried to dissect me alive. Then Mr. Baihu came in and saved me, we fought our way out, and Temperance got his arm cut off by a boomerang gun. I grabbed him and hightailed it outta there. And here we are." Yup. That brings us to right now.

"How about long story long?" Of course, it's always details, details, details.

Great, now we're going to need to summarize Chapter 1!

Don't break the fourth wall, Will! And it's been like two months since we updated, so a recap would be welcome.

But I love breaking things! You have a point there, though.

"Alright, First, I was walking through Cleveland-big city in my dimension-trying to find a park for an archery event. I got lost, and I came upon some gangstas that looked like they were gonna mug this girl. So I went in to help, but this portal popped up and a robot came out of it & carried me off into the portal. The portal led back to a lab where some mad scientist guy with a tail wanted to cut me open, calling me an alien the whole time."

"So you're telling me that terrorists developed interdimensional travel, and kidnapped you to run experiments on aliens?" Goodwitch was glaring at me.

"Yeah, it's pretty unbelievable, but I know that at the very least I'm on a different planet."

And the fact that you're from a fictional action show is pretty convincing evidence.

"Just go on with your story," She obviously didn't believe my story.

"Well, just before the scientist gutted me, Mr. Baihu shot him through the arm, and then took out the rest of the goons in the lab, including the bot that captured me. He freed me, and that's when I found out something was up with physics cause I hit the ceiling."

"You, hit… the ceiling?" She asked with disbelief. This is going to be a hard pill for these people to swallow.

Peilz here!

Shut up Will. "I jumped off the dissection table, and left a dent in the ceiling the shape of my face. I figure that Remnant must have less gravity than Earth, so I basically get a gravity assist to jumps and strength and all that." She stared at me. Did I go over her head with the science?

"Well, if you did get superpowers, would you care to demonstrate?" Apparently not.

"Sure," With that I got up and jumped. Once again, my head collided with the acoustic tiling overhead. I really hope this doesn't become a recurring gag. "As you can see, I'm not used to this strength yet," I said as I rubbed my head. At least I didn't land on my ass this time.

"Alright," Ms. Goodwitch stated, only slightly affected by my self-injurious demonstration. "Please continue with your little tale." What, she still doesn't believe me?

People have superpowers here, Ben. Ceiling dents could be a part of life here.

"Well, then we started fighting our way out," I continued my 'little tale,' "Once we got to the bottom, we got ambushed by a gang of robots. Mr. Baihu saved me from a string of bullets, but the robots caught us and brought us to their leader, who happened to be the guy that was gonna gut me. Mr. Baihu cut us out and we fought him and this enforcer with bunny ears and boomerang guns. One of those guns chopped off Temp's arm, even though it was meant for me…" Oh, shit. That gun should've taken off my head, but now Temp is missing a arm. Oh god, oh god, oh god-

SNAP OUT OF IT MAN! Don't go into breakdown now. Come on! We need to finish the story! For the readers man!

Right, right. After a calming sigh, I continued "After that I grabbed Temp's weapon, fought of the guys and carried him out of there. Got him down on the fire escape and then you found me there at the bottom. And here we are now." Goodbitch, no Goodwitch, fuck you, Will, just stared at me as I finished my story. Hopefully she believes me.

"Well, your story seems incredibly implausible." Well that'd be a no. "But I will have to discuss this with my colleagues. Please go into the waiting room while we figure this out."

Aren't the interrogators supposed to be the ones to leaves?

Do you really wanna question her about that, Will? Without waiting for a reply from either of them, I left the room, lest to incur her wrath. So I walked into the waiting room, and who would be seating in the only bench there but our beloved title character nervously fidgeting, most likely waiting for her own serendipitous interrogation.

Oh god it's Ruby. We are actually in the same room with Ruby! OMG I can't believe this is happening!

Will, are you... fanboying?

Of course! It's freaking Ruby! She's bad-ass and super-cute at the same time! Why wouldn't I! Please go sit by her! Please! I so want to talk with her!

I'll sit by her, but I'm doing the talking. I don't trust you around her.

But you don't know how to speak to girls!

Just fuck off. Well, I guess I have to sit next to her at any rate. "Uh, hey," I begin, already the epitome of suave. "Mind if I sit next to you?"

"Um, I guess, sure," was her somewhat absent response. She scooted over slightly and I sat down next to her.

OMG! We are sitting next Ruby! Say something!

What should I say? I've got no clue what I need to say. Start with a pick up line? What the fuck am I gonna say?!

"Soo, uh, what are you in for?" thankfully I was not the one to break the awkward silence that I made. Ruby was actually the one to ask.

Do NOT make a fool of yourself now! Actually do something cool for a change!

"I kinda got kidnapped by alien terrorists. What about you?"

Mental facepalm.

Ruby's eyes expanded to huge moons of silver at my incredible story. "Aliens!? You were abducted by aliens?! What happened? You get experimented on? How did you get back to Remnant?"

"Well I didn't technically get back here. I'm from a planet called Earth. Some weird scientist with a tail kidnapped me to this planet and tried to experiment on me."

Wait a sec. doesn't that mean that we're the-

"Oh my god! You're an alien!?" Ruby screamed in my face, her face stretched with pure awe.

"I come in peace." I revealed my inner Trekkie by giving the classic Vulcan hand sign.

Hopefully that doesn't mean "fuck you" in Vytalese. Speaking of which, do you think they are speaking English or we just got a translator somehow?

IDK. We'll have to test that somehow. But anyway, back to the hot girl that is freaking out about the alien in front of her, which is me.

"OMG! I'm talking with an alien! This is crazy. I mean what are the chances I'd meet a huntress and an alien on the same night? What is your planet like? Do you have spaceships? Do you normally look like a human, or do you shape shift? Do you have tentacles?" Ruby fired out in her rapid, awkward speech that was so adorable.

Oh, I sure would like to get my tentacle all over your-

Shut the fucking hell up, Will! "I don't have any shape shifting powers. This is how I always look."

"Oh," she said slightly disappointed.

"What's that supposed to mean! What's wrong with my appearance?" I joked.

"No, it's not that!" she quickly apologized, flailing her arms around in blur of apology. "I mean you look pretty nice, but I just expected aliens to you know look not like humans or that. Oh did I just say I think you look nice, I mean you don't look ugly or anything, not that I'm saying you look hot or anything. Cause that'd be weird, thinking an alien was hot now wouldn't that?" Her words flew out in her awkward flurry as he face blushed as red as her cloak.

Wait, did she just call me hot in that blur of words?

GO WITH IT! Actually, let me go with it!

"Don't worry; it can't be that weird to think that. I'm sure our genetics are probably compatible." Will actually said aloud, in his "awesome suave voice," before I could even protest.

Oh fucking NO WILL! You are not hitting on Ruby!

Why the fuck not? She's a hot, badass girl, why shouldn't I try to hit on her?

Cause she's fifteen! We're like 4 years older than her!

And that matters how?

Ok Will, tell you what. You still like your furries, right?

Like hell I do!

Why don't you try going after Blake? You can get yourself a nice catgirl that is at least 17.

That is an awesome idea, but I must ask the question brought up by one wise Mexican girl: "Why not both?"

Because that would pedophilia AND polygamy. I have a feeling those probably aren't legal here.

How do you know? That could be common place here.

Can you just please turn your sexually energies to the hot catgirl? It'll be easier on all of us. And can you please give me our body back?

Fiiiiiine. Sheesh, you'd think you would have wanted to get laid, but NO! You want to stay a virgin! Fine, have your body back!

Wahoo! Got my body back! But apparently, while I was I arguing with myself, the conversation was left with a very awkward silence. Just great.

"Um…" I began "Sorry? That was a little, uncalled for."

"That's alright," Ruby replied with a nervous giggle before turning away; face red as her namesake flower.

Yeah, romantic tension!

That's not a good thing Will! This is awkward as fuck!

But quite enjoyable to watch.

"So, let's try to restart this less awkwardly. I didn't introduce myself yet, have I? I'm Ben Andrews." I said extending my hand in friendship.

"Ruby. Ruby Rose." She grabbed my hand and we shook.

Oh god her skin is so nice!

Just keep your mind on the catgirl, Will.

Alright!

Jeez, I didn't need the visual!

Hey, just thought of something. Should we be somewhat concerned that Ruby immediately believed us?

That… is a valid point. We should probably ask. "Hey, Ruby. Why did-"

And then I was so nicely interrupted by the Good witch of Beacon. "There is someone here that would like to see the both of you." Oh, is this when Ozpin shows up?

It's just like the show!

Sure enough, the headmaster of Beacon Academy came out of the door wielding his trusty coffee mug and a plateful of chocolate chip cookies.

"Ben Andrews," He began, "And Ruby Rose." His face moved in straight for Ruby, staring into her eyes intensely. "You, have silver eyes." And there was the creepy line.

Total pedo.

"And you look remarkably human for an alien," he stated, changing his gaze to me. I shrugged, couldn't come up with a good response.

"I have been reviewing the footage of both of your fights." As he said that, Goodwitch brought up footage on her Awesome Sci-fi iPad. Half had Ruby's awesome fight scene for ep 1, and the other half had footage of my fight with the evil doc.

"So where did you learn to do this?" he asked bending his head into an awkward angle to indicate the screen without needing to move his coffee.

"S-Signal Academy" she stuttered a little under his gaze.

"They taught you to use one of the most dangerous weapons ever designed?" Isn't that what these academies DO, though?

"Well, one teacher in particular," and here comes the hinting at the past.

"I see," At this, he laying the tray of cookies on the small table in front of us. We both stared at the pile of deliciousness that lay before us. Tentatively I reached out to grab a cookie as Ruby did the same. I brought my cookie to my mouth, took a bite, and

Oh, mouthgasm! These are effing delicious! NEED COOKIES!

I think you're a little late, Will. As I was munching my delicious cookie of awesome, Ruby had gone into a feeding frenzy, virtually inhaling the cookies off the plate.

Yikes! Don't get between her and a baked good!

Ozpin continued talking, ignoring the cookie massacre in front of him. "It's just I've only seen one other scythe wielder of that skill before… a dusty old crow."

"Dat's muh uncaru." Ruby commented through what must have been at least five cookies in her mouth, "*gulp* sorry, that's my uncle Qrow, he's a teacher at Signal. I was complete garbage before he took me under his wing. And now, I'm all like heya, wacha, ooyah!" Ruby demonstrated with her adorkable kung-fu moves with correct attack noises.

A downward arm slice almost whacked me in the head, but I managed to block with an arm, and a very necessary "Keyia!" burst from my mouth. We both stared at each other for an awkward moment, and then we both laughed in synch.

Goodwitch rolled her eyes at the scene of juvenility, but Ozpin nearly chuckled as he responded "So I've noticed. And what is an adorable girl like yourself doing at a school designed to train warriors?"

"Well," Ruby began, calming herself from her giggle fit, "I want to be a huntress"

"You want to slay monsters?" He asked. If the Red trailer was anything to go by, I'd say yes.

"Yeah, I only have two more years of training left at Signal, and then I'm going to apply to Beacon. See my sister's starting there this year. See she's trying to become a huntress, and I'm trying to become a huntress because I wanna help people. My parents always taught us to help other's so I thought, 'well why not make a career out of it?' I mean policemen are alright, but huntresses are just so much more exciting, awesome, romantic, and YAHHA, you know?" Ruby's exposition/backstory blurred out of her mouth, accelerating as she went. Then Ozpin and Ruby just stared at each other.

Awkward much?

"Do you know how I am?" Ozpin asked, hopefully rhetorically.

"You're professor Ozpin, you're the headmaster at Beacon" Ruby answered calmly, with a bit of awe mixed in.

"Hello"

"Nice to meet you" Are we just getting to the salutations?

"You want to come to my school?" I think she said that a few sentences ago.

"More than anything!" The look of determination on her face was powerful.

Ozpin smiled. "Well, ok" Ruby's face lit up like a Christmas tree. She looked like she was about to burst in pure joy.

"Oh. M. G! You mean I'm actually going to get into Beacon?! Oh god this is amazing! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" And she did practically explode in joy, waving her arms around as she cried with ecstatic joy.

"Yes, I think you'll be perfect for Beacon. I think we can work on the detail a little later." Then Ozpin looked at me. "But first I would like to talk with you, Mr. Andrews."

Now that he is looking at me, the intimidation that Ruby was feeling was squarely put on me. I'm actually getting really nervous just from the look. "Yes, sir?" I reply, putting on the formalities now.

"You say that you were dragged here from another dimension by Shadow Claw to be experimented on?" Damn it! Why does no one believe me?

Would you believe you?

Probably right there. "Yes! A portal popped up when I was trying to save this girl from gangsters and robot jumped out. It caught me and dragged me through to where that Faunus scientist tried to dissect me before Mr. Baihu came in and saved me. We fought our way out, but Temp got his... arm chopped off by that boomerang gun…"

DAMN MY LIFE! I still have his freaking bow on me for Christ's sake!

"Don't worry about Mr. Baihu." Ozpin interjected into my somber silence, "He is in the hospital and at last report was in stable condition." HALLELUJAH!

"That's good to hear," I sighed in relief. At least my little accident didn't end in my savior's death.

"I am sure you're aware of how incredulous your story sounds, Mr. Andrews. You're tale is very difficult one to accept," Ozpin brought up the elephant in the room. Or whatever the elephantine Grimm is likely to be called.

"Yeah, I wouldn't believe me if I was you either," I admitted the futility of my trying to get people to believe me. But the truth is the truth! "But I swear I'm not making this up! This is not my home planet!"

'Well, I must disagree there," Damn, no one believes us. "But I believe you."

Say wha?

"Y-you believe me?" my stutter came back a little at the news he really believed my odyssey.

"We do have some compelling evidence," he said, once again head bobbing to indicate the scroll in Glynda's hand. Now it showed the lab with the strange portal in the center. The footage showed the tentacle-kidnap-bot entering the portal and then a few moments later, returning with me in its mechanical tendrils. "Some of our people managed to hack Shadow Claw's system before the building was destroyed. They were definitely fiddling with some kind of teleporter, but the computers were destroyed before we could get any useful details."

"I told you I wasn't lying." Finally, they believe me!

"And then the medical scans," Ozpin continued, Glynda handing him the scroll. The image changed to an image of me, bifurcated. I could see my innards in all their dysfunctional glory. "While you seem mostly human, but a few things seem a little different. Could you possibly tell me what this is?" He asked pointing to a blab on my left side. Alright, high school anatomy, don't fail me now!

"I believe that to be my spleen," Well probably. I've never seen my insides.

Yeah, cause you haven't let me cut us open yet!

"Spleen?" Ozpin asked, obviously having no clue what this "spleen" thing was.

"It's a lymphatic organ. Stores blood cells and helps fight infections." AP A&P FTW!

Hey, wait a sec. When did they take this scan? I did not see any scanners anywhere near us!

Probably the same place they had the cameras for the tests in the forest.

"A spleen, huh?" Ozpin pondered. "Well I think that we have enough evidence to believe your story." Yay! Now we are official excepted as aliens! Wait, is that a good thing? "But now there is the issue of what to do with 'this alien.'"

OH FUCK! The Templar government is gonna send us to area 51 and run long tests on us to test viruses for the upcoming invasion!

Wrong planet, man. But, yeah, I don't like the idea of being an alien too much either. Maybe… The portal! "Can't you send me back home? We cleared out the Shadow Claw, so don't you have that portal they used?"

Ozpin's face dropped in a way that my heart dropped with it. "I am sorry. After you were evacuated, the building self-destructed. The portal is gone."

.

..

...

Oooooooooh, god. We, we're, trapped? Stuck here? No way home? Ohgodohgodohgod…

"A-are you s-sure?" I stuttered as the impact of getting stuck on a planet with no way to return struck me. "There's no way to repair it? Nobody working on this stuff somewhere else? Blueprints?"

"I am sorry, there was nothing to recover. All the tech and data were completely destroyed. I doubt there is anyone else on the planet even working on this."

"No way home... My family... friends... I will never see them again…" My head fell into my hands. Trapped. No way home. Tears started to coat my hands. My brother, my sister, my parents. I could never see them again.

All my loved ones, gone from me.

"Hey, don't start crying," I heard Ruby's calm voice through my sobbing as her hand rested on my shoulder. I looked at her through teary eyes as she continued. "Don't lose hope. You'll find a way home, I'm sure."

Breath, man. Just breathe. I sighed, forcing the flow of tears to stop. "Thanks Ruby. I'll try to keep it together." I wiped the tears of my face, and looked at everyone. "Sorry about that. I can be pretty emotional."

Ozpin looked at me with a look of understanding. "It is completely understandable."

Another breath. Let's get this conversation back on topic. "So, now that I'm stuck here, what are you planning to do with 'this alien?'?"

"How old are you?" Ozpin asked.

That's random as shit.

"Um, 19, in Earth years at least," I answered. "Why do you ask?"

"My plan for you right now is to place you in my school Beacon Academy." he answered, "That way you can come to learn about our world in a safe environment and the military gets to keep the close eye on you that they want."

"Wait, military?"

THE FEDS ARE AFTER US!

"I suppose I am should explain, since you wouldn't know," Ozpin began to explain what had only been fan speculation prior, "Our world, Remnant, is being invaded by creatures of darkness called Grimm. My school, Beacon Academy, trains young people to become hunters, warriors to defend the world from the forces of Grimm. Young people like Miss Rose here." Ruby seemed to like the acknowledgement. "As you might expect, this is a function of the military, who, as you might imagine, are very interested you. Certain of them will want to have you locked up and studied."

It IS Area 51 all over again!

"But I may be able to convince them to leave you to my school. That way you'll be surrounded by capable military personnel constantly, but still have as much freedom as any student." He stopped to take a sip of his coffee. "What do you think? I saw you are a somewhat capable fighter. Do you think you would be willing to learn how to fight monsters?"

OH GOD YES! We get to go to badass school!

"Well, considering my other options-which are none-I think that Beacon sounds like a good idea." OMG we get to slay monsters!

"Oh this is so cool; I get to go to school with an alien!" Ruby cheered out. "Do you have some cool weapon to hunt the Grimm with?"

"Well, I have…" as I grabbed the scythe-bow from my belt, it hit me that I still had Temp's weapon on me. And the fact he was in the hospital. Because of me.

"Oh, shit." I cursed under my breath. I looked to Ozpin, his colleague's weapon in my hand.

"Would it be possible to see Temperance? I still have his weapon, and I still need to thank him." Ozpin could hear the silent "for saving my life," and nodded.

"I think a visit would be appropriate"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Shut up Will, you don't sound like a heart monitor.

Ah, kill joy.

So here we are, sitting in the waiting room, waiting, obviously, to go see Temp.

When will they let us in there?

As if on cue, the door to Temperance's room opened and two people that looked like they had to be his kids came out. The dude had his hairstyle, but flame red, so it just kinda looked like a flame. And the dragon shirt under the black and orange hoodie kept the fire theme up. And the girl was

HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT!

You kidding man? She is definitely ice themed. Blue hair, blue gloves and boots. Her half jacket has a freaking snowflake on it!

Not what I mean! I mean, SEXYSEXYSEXYSEXYSEXY! Look at dat bod. Those short-shorts, and ohh, that midriff.

Go back to your Blake fantasies. We don't need you running off at every female you see.

You know your little plan to contain me with furries is going to fail epically when we actually see Blake. Now that you got me so worked up about her, when I see her toned ass you ain't gonna be able to stop my hand from touching it.

CRAP! Didn't think that far ahead! Why do I have such a pervert in my head?

Hey, we're all in this together. You know, one coin, two sides. I'm as much you as you.

I don't need a reminder. I've been talking to myself for years; you don't think I don't know that already? Let's just go give Temperance his stuff back. So we/I entered the hospital room to see the spiky archer hooked up to a bunch of equipment that was all beeping and buzzing. His arm stump all wrapped up.

"Hey, there's the sorry-ass alien kid I saved today!" Temp cried as he laid eyes on my "sorry ass hide"

"Hey there Temp, how's the hospital life treating you?" I said trying to sound a bit happier, but failing at that rather miserably.

"Well, I have to hand it to them, the service here is pretty good, but I'll bet that it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg, though, or maybe just an arm." Did he just…

That's the spirit; make fun of your own disability!

Temp started to crack up at his own joke, and I caved and started laughing by metaphorical ass off. "Well you seem to be taking your amputation rather well." And I think those puns just proved this had to be English we're speaking.

"Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, you probably don't own a mirror," he joked again. He seems a lot more upbeat than I would have thought. "Eh, don't worry about me. I got my lame ass jokes to keep me from getting bummed out. Sure I'm missing an arm now, but now I'll just get a cool robotic one. What do you think I should get in it, saw-blades or a rocket launcher?"

Once again, I shall invoke the words of a small Mexican child.

"Why not both?" I even throw in a slight accent into it.

"Aw, but then I wouldn't be able to fit the scythe on it."

I love this world. You can just slap a bunch of different weapons together, add a gun, and kill shit with it. My kinda world! We need a lightsaber that turns into a helicopter and shoots guns! Because why the fuck not!

"Oh, that reminds me," I said as I reached over to grab his kusarigama-bow, "I never had a chance to give this back to you." I handed his weapon back to him, but he raised his hand, the one left, actually the left one.

"Does it look like I can use a bow right now?" He stated, "Besides, you're gonna need it. I heard from Ozpin that you're going to Beacon?"

"That's where they're going to be keeping their new little test subject, yeah." I joked backed.

"Yeah, you're gonna need Deadshot with you." My face must have done something, cause he explained. "Yeah, I gave my weapon a name. Bit of a tradition at the academies. Here," with his good arm, he grabbed his shoulder pad of ammunition and tossed the deadly package at my face. "You'll need some ammo. We went through a bit today, but Beacon has complimentary ammunition for the students once you get there."

Free ammo! This world is just getting better and better!

Temp laid back down, but landed a little too hard on his stump and started cursing his head off. As I jumped up to help him, he again just put up his hand to keep me back. "Don't fucking worry 'bout my sorry ass hide. Pain will go away in a bit." He sighed a couple of times, sorta zen-esque, before he continued, "Note to self, the wounds hurt worse when you land on them."

"Really? How could you possibly come up with such an unusual hypothesis?" I jested, trying to keep all spirits high.

Weed?

NO!

"Oh, Mr. Smarty-pants are we?" Temp commented on my excessive vocabulary.

"Bio-major speaking," I answered, before I realized I was technically no longer a bio major. "Well, I was a bio major. Now I guess I'm majoring in, what, hunting?"

Temp chuckled a little at that. "So you've been through some schooling, have you?"

"I got part way through my freshman year of college. Now it's like I'm getting a restart. Except apparently the age things start here is 17, so it's like I'm getting held back two years."

"Eh, I'm sure a 'delinquent' such as yourself will do fine starting off in Beacon," Temp joked. "You know, my kids are starting there this year too."

"Were those the two that just left?"

"Yup. Krystal and Ignatius. And you really shouldn't try anything with my daughter. I saw the way you looked at my daughter's ass as you came in here."

GULP! Why did you look at her ass, Will! Now he's pissed!

I can't help it! Her ass was GORGEOUS!

"For your own sake, don't try. She'll freeze your hands off, and other organs."

Scratching that one of the list!

"Iggy would probably be fine with you, however."

"Nooo, I don't swing that way." I said, rather awkwarded out by the conversation.

You know, for a male, his ass wasn't half bad.

Shut up Will. After that awkward bit, we started talking about weapons again, and by the time I left, we had determined that his new arm should shoot drones that launch grenades and should be able to release at least a parachute and preferably a hovercraft.