RWBY VOLUME TWO PREMIERS FREAKING THURSDAY! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD AND CREATOR, MONTY OUM!
Happy RWBY Tuesday! The Darkmoon has risen yet again with another chapter of our glorious selves-insert! Yeah, RWBY Tuesday failed rather epically, and yeah, I'm gonna be putting in A/N now every chap, but if you don't like that, suck it.
I have a new-found respect for Ruby's strength. I work on a farm (as an unpaid intern), and the reaper broke, so I had to cut down rye with a real life scythe. It was probably a quarter the blade that Ruby has and that was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Scythes are a pain to wield to just cut rye and Ruby is swinging a huge ass one around cutting down giant nightmare beasts! She has to be incredibly strong.
But enough kissing up, time for story!
And so after the opening sequence, Ruby, Jaune, and I eventually found the auditorium where all the generic silhouettes of students had collected to listen to some opening speech, and we could see Yang's yellow hair stick out like a firefly in the dark.
That's the imagery you're going with? A firefly?
Like you could make anything better. But soon the only colored character turned around and waved to her little sister. "Ruby! Over here! I saved you a spot!"
"Oh! Hey, I-I gotta go! See you two after the ceremony!" Ruby blurted as she dashed out to her blazing sister, leaving both us males in the literal dust.
"Hey, wait!" Jaune called out before sighing in another Jaune defeat. "Ah, great. Where am I supposed to find another nice, quirky girl to talk to?!"
And cue the hot, redheaded stalker. I looked over to see Pyrrha gazing longingly at tall, blonde, and scraggly. I think I'll speed up this shipping a little. I grabbed Jaune's shoulder and pulled him into whisper, "Dude, there is a hot redhead looking you over right behind you."
"Wait, what?" Jaune glanced over and caught her eyes for just a moment before I pulled him away.
"Dude, don't stare back. You'll scare her off, just go up to talk to her. I'll help you." With that I dragged Jaune towards his future partner and the show's only romantic tension.
Will, what are you doing! Not only did you steal my body-and my narration for that matter-but now you're messing with the plot!
Don't you know the first rule of self inserts and time travel? The more you try to keep from messing up the plot/time-line, the more it changes. So if we try to change things, karma will keep everything the same. Plus, if I give him redhead number 2, I can have redheads number 1, 3, and 4 to myself!
Will, this isn't a harem fic!
Killjoy. But hey look, redhead number 2! "Hey there, I'm Ben and this is Jaune," I introduced ourselves to the beauty before us. "What might your name be, beautiful?"
Not the suave voice!
But she giggled anyway! "My name is Pyrrha. It is a pleasure to meet the both of you." She said in her sweet voice. She grabbed Jaune's hand and she stared into his eyes for a moment. I believe my job here is d-
"YOU!"
AHH! It's the white witch! Fürchten die dunklen Weiss! Take over Ben! Appease her with your fancy words!
"Thanks to your blunder, my thunder Dust container broke and stained my dresses with lightning and my stores of explosive Dust exploded. You're lucky we weren't blown off the side of the cliff!" Oh, you'll give me our body back when the ice hearted bitch comes in. Of course.
"Once again, my sincerest apologies. I assure you that this was an accident and I'm willing to make it up to you however you see f-" I was interrupted by a pamphlet thrust in my face. "Dust for Dummies?" I read as I grabbed the paper
"The Schnee Dust Company is not responsible for any injuries or damages sustained while operating a Schnee Dust Company product. Although not mandatory, the Schnee Family highly encourages customers to read and familiarize themselves with this easy to follow guide to Dust applications and practices in the field."
Somebody hit fastforward on the terms and conditions section!
"You really wanna start making things up to me?" She asked.
"Yes," I answered, against Will's warnings.
"Read this, and don't ever speak to me again." Finality.
"Don't worry. I have no intention of ever attempting to interact with you again."
OH, BUUUUUUURN!
"That was rather rude." Weiss complained at my agreement.
"I was simply speaking in the same tone in which I am being spoken to." And with that she FINALLY left in a huff of frustration.
"What was that all about," Pyrrha asked after the blizzard had blown over.
"I just tripped over that girl's luggage earlier, and now she has it out for me and Ruby."
"I'm sure you'll be able to fix things with her somehow." She said optimistically.
"Here's hoping."
-We never have to speak to her again.
Shut it Will, Ozpin's starting to talk. The headmaster walked up on stage to begin the shortest speech in history. "I'll... keep this brief. You have traveled here today in search of knowledge – to hone your craft and acquire new skills, and when you have finished, you plan to dedicate your life to the protection of the people. But I look amongst you, and all I see is wasted energy, in need of purpose, direction."
I believe that to be some kind of insult.
"You assume knowledge will free you of this, but your time at this school will prove that knowledge can only carry you so far. It is up to you to take the first step." Once Ozpin had finished, Goodwitch-
Goodbitch
Fuck off! Goodwitch went up to the mic to inform us of the ultimate school sponsored coed slumber party. "You will gather in the ballroom tonight; tomorrow, your initiation begins. Be ready. You are dismissed."
"So what do you guys wanna do till tonight?" I asked the canon couple.
"I dunno," Jaune replied. Before he could continue a voice from behind interrupted me.
"Excuse me," We all turned to see Professor Port approaching.
"Yes Professor?" I asked, even though I knew what he was going to ask.
"I'm sorry Mr. Andrews, but it is time for your medical examination."
NOT THE NEEDLES!
Yeah, as part of the deal to live here, the staff get to run experiments on me. Fun times. Since Port is what amounts to the biology teacher, he gets to play mad scientist and test the alien out as much as he wants.
"Alright," I answered meekly. Dang needles. I turn to my new found friends, and said my final goodbyes. "Well see you guys later then."
And off to the government labs we go!
"Ow," was my external response to the needle piercing my skin, but I think you would much prefer Will's reaction:
FirnengshmergenPAINshemgaMURDERTRAINflemergshentFUCKTHISVAMPIRESHIToroctoyonticaflour!
Yup, much more entertaining.
"To tell the truth, I'm somewhat amazed your blood is red like ours," Port mumbled underneath his mustache of awesomeness.
"Well, you only got 6 colors to pick from, so the chances our blood matches are pretty good," I jested as the machine slowly siphoned off my life blood for analysis. This side of the lab isn't so much fun.
Yeah, those dissections were so fun. The cat guts were cool and OW FUCK this vampire machine!
"I'm pretty sure there are more than six colors." Port commented as he checked whatever the machine was saying about my blood. Probably too much ice cream.
"Meh, never did too well in art, more of a bio student."
"A student of biology? Interesting?" The mustache-I mean Professor Port-mumbled, "So you would know a good deal about the life on your planet. I have been somewhat interested in the idea of the wildlife of your home."
"Yeah, I kinda specialized in wildlife, actually, what do you wanna know?" I mean, I could trace out the mammalian phylogenetic tree like that!
NEEEEEEERD!
Fuck off Will!
"Well, what of the predators? What do you do the people of your planet do about the monsters?"
"Well, at least where I'm from, we've killed off pretty much anything that could eat us."
"You've killed off EVERYTHING!?" The mustache was amazed at our efficiency of death. "How could you accomplish such a feat with your limited technology?"
I would take that as an insult if I hadn't seen their tech already. "Well, it's pretty easy when every single person colonising the continent had a gun and would shoot everything that moved. Oh, and it helps if you completely destroy the environment those beasties need to survive. I'm kinda surprised your race hasn't completely destroyed all of them, with schools dedicated to eradication."
Oh and look! We've pissed off the republicans again!
"So your world is completely void of monsters?"
"I wouldn't say 'void,' there just rare. The seas are still full of monsters."
"May I get some details on these monsters? Say, what the largest of these sea monsters are."
You know, we could just make shit up and he'd believe us, right?
I'm not going to lie, Will. But I could fudge the truth a little. "Well, the whales are definitely the largest beasts of the sea. And the most terrifying too. They are just completely HUGE! Over 30 meters for some of them. Some of them have teeth this big!" I said, using my head a metric. "The beast called Leviathan" -Leviathan melvillei, terror whale, look it up- "Lord of the oceans. Largest predator ever on the face of the Earth!"
"And how do you deal with these 'whales?' How do people with your technology kill these monsters?"
"Javelins mostly. No, I mean harpoons. Get those mixed up. Whales are almost extinct at this point. And good riddance."
And now we've pissed off the democrats as well! I think everyone hates us at this point!
Considering how many rapes you've planned, I'd be surprised if anyone didn't hate us. *BEEEEEP* My self insults were interrupted by the vampire machine censoring some swear word Will was about to say.
"Well, it looks like you are done here, Mr. Andrews," Mustache/Port said as he removed the accursed needle of vampirism from my elbow.
SALVATION! Woah, dizzy from blood loss.
"While I would love to continue this conversation and learn more about these 'whale' creatures, It would be best if you go with all the other students to the ballroom for the night. Make sure to rest up for the trials tomorrow, now." With the severe handicap of blood-loss, thank you very much. But at that I left the torture chamber-I mean, lab- to meet up with the other students for the ultimate coed slumber party.
Hey, dude. I got a plan!
Plan for what? We are walking to get our PJs on. not much planning involved.
A plan to bed Blake!
At least you picked one finally. I should be afraid to ask, but what is this "plan" of yours?
We know where she'll be reading. Let's go up to her and you can start talking books. We can even break the ice by thanking her for her help with Ruby this afternoon.
Wow, that's, actually a good idea, especially out of you. I was expecting something that involved roofies and snares baited with catnip out of you.
What are you talking about! That stuff's for when we get her in the bedroom!
I really should have seen that coming. But back to actual happenings, what do you think Beacon will give us for sleepwear? Hmm, blue sweats and a blank tee? I can deal.
As long as Jaune's feetie-pajamas aren't standard issue, we can deal with it. Anything'll be better than our polar bear jammies back home.
Yeah, one nice thing about our fresh start is we can leave all our embarrassing stuff behind us.
Like the fact we still slept with the security blanket we've had since preschool?
What's the problem there? Brownie is a perfectly normal blanket and is incredibly warm and fuzzy.
You called it Brownie.
Curses! Um… Hey look, Jaune! In bunny pajamas! "Hey Jaune."
Seriously, those pajamas aren't even fit for bananas!
"Hey, Ben." The blonde replied, looking just a little embarrassed about his wardrobe. "How's it going?"
"Fine, just looking for my spot to sleep tonight." I said as we walked through the crowd of scantily clad teenagers preparing for beddy-by time.
"So, are we really all sleeping in the ballroom tonight?" Jaune asked, staring at the strange coed mix in the large room.
"It certainly seems that way." I answered back. "Weird sleeping arrangement, but I can deal with it."
"Just seems a little weird a school would have all the kids sleep together." Jaune responded.
"I don't think they care about things like having the girls and boys together. I mean the dorms freaking coed."
OOOOOOOOH yes! We will be surrounded by sleeping girls tonight and then have coed dorms! This place is paradise!
You seemed to have missed something very important Will. With everybody around, and then living in a dorm with three teammates, you are never going to be able to fab in your bed again.
.
..
...
Will?
NNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Get a HOLD of yourself man! Um, uh, hey look! We're Yang's eye candy! Back in narration mode, we had somehow replaced Jaune in Yang's little sight gag, walking in front of a bunch of hunks showing off their abs for no reason while the blonde purred at the scene.
QUICK! Activate maneuver 16! Crack fingers, and arms slowly behind head like a BAUS!
And for our flirtatious efforts, we got a roll of the eyes before Yang returned to her sister.
Alright, enough with the blonde! We're after the catgirl!
And with that, Will directed us to the corner said catgirl was reading in, candelabra remodeled to actually be lit. Will, remember, your plan was appease her with intelligence, that means you let ME speak, got it?
Yeah, I'm not gonna try and mess this up with my bad flirts. I'm actually gonna let you do your slow and steady approach.
Whoa. You are letting me take the lead in a romantic venture? What the fuck is wrong with you Will?! Are you sick? Are you gaining your sanity!?
Shut up. I just really want this to go well, and I know Blake is way more your personality type than mine, so hopefully you can actually make a connection with her.
Wow, you are actually being decent about this. You must actually really like her.
Dude, all this is a joint venture. She's as much your waifu as mine! You're the part into the book smarts and writing. If it wasn't for the furry part, I'd be trying to ninja my way into Ruby's sleeping bag right now. Now just go and talk with our love.
Right. I do like the quiet book type and she is really hot. Ok. Breath and speak normally. I approached the black haired beauty from the cover of her book and made my presence known, "Um, hello there."
Don't stutter dammit!
Blake looked up, her amber eyes gazing at my form over the edge of her book. Her wonderful voice asked "Aren't you the guy whose beard caught on fire today?"
Of course she remembers the fire beard. "Yeeeeeeeeah, that was me. After I got my hair problem under control I saw how you helped my friend out with the heiress, so I wanted to thank you for that."
"You're thanking me for helping her while you stood there staring at my ass?" Ah, fuck! She noticed that? Fuck it Will.
"I have no response except that you are beautiful."
WILL! Now you really fucked it.
I KNOW! The suave has failed us!
And at that, Blake rolled her eyes with a huff, and left, taking the light of her eyes- I mean candles- with her. Well fuck.
"Man that was a serious fail of a pickup. You got no luck with the bitches." A voice taunted from the side. I turned to see Ignatius watching me from his sleeping bag, his sis stuffing her pillow over her head.
Wow, dissed by the gay OC on pickup skills. This is a new low.
"Yeah that was an epic fail," my head sagged in admitted failure. Iggy chuckled and Krys groaned under her pillow.
"You know, bitches can be such a drag. You could always switch sides, if you catch my drift," Iggy innuendo-ed with a wink. Are we getting hit on by a guy?
At this point, I'm fine with whatever we can get.
"Yeah, I don't swing that way," I said in response to both of them.
"Yalright, if I can't get you as a boyfriend, ya think I could getcha as just a plain ol' friend then?" He asked extending his hand. "Name's Ignatius Baihu, firebeard. Call me Nate for short." Officially introducing himself.
Well, better than alien boy.
I grabbed his hand in acceptance of friendship, "I think I can deal with that, Nate. Name's Ben Andrews."
Another groan came from under the pillow. "Enough flirting! Let me go to fucking sleep!" Her threat was accompanied by a swift kick through the sheets. Unaimed, her foot made direct contact with her brother's crotch, resulting in a very high-pitched squeal echoing around the room.
Ouch. Bitch can kick.
After he got his breath back, Nate glared daggers into the back of his girlfriend's head. "Ignore my sister. Krystal can be quite a bi-" Nate was thankfully censored by the formation of a poorly animated dust cloud fight scene between the sisters orange.
Hey, wait a sec. We kept them from talking with Blake. Why didn't the plot line change? Why did they start fighting?! Why does Arkada keep complaining about this scene?!
I don't know but Weiss is interrupting the same as a before aaaaaand wait for it… Blake putting out the lights. Just like the show.
Ha! My theory was correct! I messed with the plot and it fixed itself! But enough metaphysics-ing. It's time for nappy-by.
Just gotta find our sleeping bag…
"ughf!"
"sorry!"
"watch where you're walking!"
"My bad"
"AHHH!"
*whomp*
"I'm gonna fuck up whoever just kicked me!"
I'm fine with this.
WILL!
Well there you go, chapter 4. Or maybe 3. Five? And now announcements.
RWBY premier Thursday! Wahooooooooooooooo! All praise Lie Ren, self insert of the creator Oum himself!
I'm working on many projects involved with fanfic. Many stories floating around my head are slowly taking form, so check out my other stuff for more cool RWBY stuff. Currently working on a special little version of haremfic for Yang, cause, as Gigguk says, why the fuck not.
Other projects that aren't stories: I'm going to be restarting my ULTIMATE DEATHBATTLE SHOWDOWN TOURNAMENT, what I hope will be come a huge ultra collab project to make the ultimate transuniverasal tourney fic. If you like fighting, you may like the Deathbattle. Come join on the forum, we need all the help we can get!
And one more project on the horizon, this one directly involved with this story, but since that little goody isn't near ready yet, I will only give you one hint to it: YouTube.
The Darkmoon has set!