JULY AND DECEMBER
July 2004: The day after
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Grissom stared at report that lay open on his desk, suddenly aware that he had been reading the same paragraph for ten minutes now. He just couldn't concentrate. The night shift was about to start, and the thought of meeting Sara filled him with dread. After what happened the night before, he didn't really know what to expect from her. She was bound to be angry – actually, he hoped she would be; anger was one feeling he knew how to deal with.
But the last time he saw Sara, it wasn't anger but sadness that was plain in her face. Grissom sighed. He hoped she wouldn't be sad anymore. Or hurt. Still, he knew that no matter what her feelings were today, things were irrevocably changed between them now... and he regretted that more than anything.
He wished -and not for the first time - that they could simply say, 'Let's forget it.' But he didn't know if she would. She was probably going to come and say, 'we need to talk', and then...
He shook his head; he didn't want to talk about it; he'd rather forget yesterday- the whole wretched day. And the night, too. Grissom cringed as he recalled what he had done the night before: He had practically stalked Sara.
First, he'd followed her to the parking lot; then he'd followed her home, driving close behind, making sure that she was ok. Then he'd waited outside her building until she left for work. It was only then that he stopped worrying so much. At least, she wouldn't be alone at the lab.
Grissom leant back in his seat and closed his eyes. He wanted to forget all that, and he would. Eventually. Not yet-
"Hey."
Grissom opened his eyes, and took a second to compose himself before turning to her. Sara was standing at the door, respectfully waiting for him to ask her in.
"Hey, Sara." He greeted hoarsely.
"Can I talk to you?"
"Of course." He nodded, motioning her to enter and sit.
Sara came in; she was carrying some books and a couple of folders, and she put these on a corner of his desk.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
"Sure." she said with a faint smile.
He studied her. She looked a little pale and fragile, but otherwise she looked fine. She didn't look angry, or sad... but she wasn't completely at ease either: She was nervously bending the corner of one of her folders, and she was apparently having a hard time finding what to say.
Grissom found her silence unnerving.
"Sara," he started, "About last night-
She smiled faintly.
"You never used clichés before." She gently chided, "Don't start now."
"I was going to say that I'm sorry-" he said.
She acknowledged his words with a brief nod.
"What you said about my father-" she started.
Grissom was surprised that she wanted to talk about that.
"Sara," he interrupted, "I shouldn't have mentioned him -"
"But you did." She replied inexpressively, "Who told you?"
"No one" he said, "A couple of years ago, I researched your name and-" he paused when he saw her eyes widening, "I was worried about you." he explained.
"Why?" she frowned.
"Because there are certain cases that you just take too hard, Sara; I wanted to know if you'd ever been a victim-"
"You could have asked me-" she interrupted, "I could have saved you time and resources."
"You're right," he said gently, "I could have. But you wouldn't have told me."
She didn't argue.
"So." She said bitterly, "What did you find out about me?"
"Not much," he said slowly, "Nothing concrete, I guess."
"I wasn't a victim of sexual abuse," she said unemotionally, "but I witnessed it, and that was bad enough." She didn't add anything else. She clearly didn't want to talk about that. "And yeah, my father was a mess." She added.
"He drank; he lost jobs, he lost our home, and for a while he lost us too." she said matter-of-factly, although she faltered a little at the end, "That put a scare on him." she paused, "In time, he found religion, he stopped drinking, and he got us back," she looked up. "End of story."
"He lost you for quite a while." He said softly, knowing that the story didn't end just like that.
"Can I tell you something stupid?" She asked, "I liked him more as a drunk" she said softly, "at least he was happy." She kept her gaze on him, "Anything else you want to know?" she asked.
"No." he said patiently. "No, Sara."
"Ok." She said. She held his gaze for a moment, and then she looked down. She took a deep breath, "Then it's my turn to apologize for last night."
"You don't have to-"
"Please," she said softly, "I need to do this." she looked up, "Although I really don't know what to say. 'Sorry' isn't enough, is it?" she smiled sheepishly, "I mean, you're such a very private person and there I was, invading your personal space and your body-"
She looked down, "A part of me will never regret it, Grissom," she confessed quietly, "I don't regret trying to love you." She paused, "But I know that I've ruined things between us, and- it wasn't my intention-"
"I know that-"
"I've been asking myself why I did it, you know? So many questions: Why did I fall in love, why couldn't I keep it to myself, why did I pursue you - even though you didn't encourage me-"
"I never said 'no'." he said softly, "I should have said no and I didn't."
"You didn't want to hurt my feelings." She said kindly, "You were just hoping it would go away."
She looked at him, but he didn't say anything.
"So," she continued, "Last night, I was asking myself all those questions, and after hours of wondering, there was only one possible answer, 'how could I not?'"
She looked at him, and for a moment Grissom thought she was expecting him to answer. Fortunately for him, she was not.
"I'd never met anybody like you." She said, "You were handsome and knowledgeable and you seemed to care about what my aspirations. You treated me like your equal, Grissom; that alone meant everything to me. But, hum." she hesitated, "There was something else. There –hum- there were moments when you looked at me as if…" she took a deep breath, "You made me feel pretty, Grissom."
This admission embarrassed her. She smiled a little. "Can you imagine, being this shallow?" she asked. Then she lowered her voice, "It's not something I'm proud of, so let's keep it between us, ok?"
He looked appalled
"Sara, I'd never -"
"I'm joking, Grissom." she said gently, "I know you'd never tell."
Grissom didn't know what to say. He wished he could comfort her, reassure her somehow. He tentatively reached for her hand, but a memory made him stop. He wished that taking someone's hand didn't mean so much that not doing it was really for the best.
He put his hands flat on the desk.
"Sara, you…" he cleared his throat, "you deserve everything; you deserve to be loved. You deserve to have a home -a real one- a haven to go to after work. I wish I could give it to you." He looked up. "If I were different-"
She smiled bitterly.
"If you were different, I wouldn't have loved you."
He looked at her with something that looked like compassion.
"Sara, did you really believe I could make you happy?"
She mused on this for a moment.
"I don't know…" she said at last, "I guess… I guess I was never concerned about my own happiness… All this time I've only thought of what I could do for you."
He wished she would stop saying these things. Every word of hers felt like a stab in his chest..
"I've just realized something." She said, suddenly. When Grissom looked up, she said, "You were right last night; you said that I was living some sort of fairy tale-"
"Sara," he cringed, "I shouldn't have said that-"
"But it's true." She said, amazed at her own discovery, "I've just realized that I have been living a fairy tale; you know, the sort of tale where the hero defeats dragons and sorcerers in order to save his beloved. Except that I never- I never expected you to save me, Grissom. I think my fantasy was to rescue you…"
She smiled briefly, as if her words amused her, "I was the dragon slayer. I was going to risk it all in my quest for you…" her eyes filled with tears but she didn't seem to notice, "I was going to climb the tower you were imprisoned in, and then I was going to wake you up with a kiss." A single tear rolled down her face and she brushed it off impatiently.
It took her a moment to compose herself. "It was just a stupid fantasy, I guess," she said. "But you know something?" she asked, looking at him, "I would have made you happy."
Her words moved him.
"Sara," he said hoarsely, "it's not that I don't-" he started. He didn't say it, but she knew what he meant.
"I know." She nodded.
"This job- It's all I know." he said quietly, "It's all I'm used to. I can't risk-"
"I know." She repeated, "I understand, Grissom," she said kindly, "But it's heartbreaking nonetheless."
Grissom desperately wanted to say something that could make it up to her… but he couldn't think of anything. All that remained were things to do, and he wasn't ready- he would never be.
"Grissom" she said," I've thought hard about this, and…" she took one of the folders she had brought with her and placed it in front of him. Grissom's heart pounded faster. He knew what this meant.
"Don't do this."
"I can't stay, Grissom." She said, "Not after what happened-"
"Nothing's happened-" Grissom argued, "You can't let this ruin our working relationship-"
"It's already ruined." she replied, "I ruined it, Grissom. All I can do is try to salvage something out of this." She reached out and opened the folder for him, "The FBI has been courting me for years, and I've decided to accept their offer-"
Grissom ignored the folder and its contents.
"The FBI?" he said incredulously, "After all we've gone through with those guys, you still want to work for them? Look, you need some space and I understand that; but you don't have to leave, Sara. I'll talk to Ecklie; he'll be glad to have you in his team-"
"Ecklie?" she scoffed, "You want me to work with Ecklie?-"
"It wouldn't be for long; just until you sort things out-"
"There's nothing to sort out."
"You can't leave." He said firmly.
"I can't stay," She insisted, "You know I can't. Things have changed now. After all I said and did yesterday-" she gulped, "I don't think we'll be able to get past that. I know I can't." she looked into his eyes, "Not after kissing you." she said softly, "Now I know things about you, Grissom; I know what your mouth tastes like; I know that deep down you're hungry -"
She looked away, "I don't think you'll ever forgive me for this. I don't think you'll even want me to work beside you." She lowered her voice, "And even if you did... It wouldn't be the same."
Grissom looked down. He didn't want to look at her Request, but the option was to look at her, and that was harder. He looked at the sheet of paper and he froze. He couldn't believe his eyes: It wasn't a Request of Leave of Absence; it was a letter of resignation.
"Sara, I-" he started.
"I'll stay until you find a replacement." She offered.
"-I can't accept this."
"I want to work for them, Grissom. I know I can make a difference-"
"They won't appreciate you," he argued, "It'll be years before you get a promotion-"
She smiled bitterly when he said this.
"That's ok." She said calmly, "I've waited years for things I didn't get and I don't regret it-" She said pointedly. "-I don't regret it, Grissom." She repeated, but her lips trembled a little and she had to make an effort to keep calm. "But if I stay, I will. If I stay, I'll be angry at you and -"
"I can't accept this letter-" Grissom insisted.
"Please, Grissom." She pleaded, "Look, I'm going to leave anyway and it would be nice if you gave me your blessing."
Grissom scoffed. Anger was slowly replacing the hurt.
"You've always found it easy to leave." He said.
"What else can I do?" she asked and this time she waited for him to answer.
"Sara…" he couldn't find the words, "All I wanted was to have you here."
"I know." She said with difficulty, "I loved being here, Grissom but it's just not enough anymore. You see me at a distance and you sign my overtime sheets, and you ask me to call you Grissom instead of Dr. Grissom, and that's as all I'll ever get from you. It's enough for you, and it was enough for me at a time. Not anymore."
"We need to grow up, Grissom." She said seriously, "You need to stop being afraid… And I need to stop acting like a teen with her first crush." She reddened, "We're bad for each other, Grissom. As long as we're close, we'll never move on. But if I leave, the conflict will cease to exist. In time, we'll feel free to love somebody else."
She looked earnestly at him, "Isn't that what you want for me?" when he didn't answer, she added, "You said you wanted me to have a home, didn't you? Well, that will never happen as long as I stay here."
Grissom stared at her.
He swallowed hard before he calmly picked up her letter.
"You're right." He said softly, "You're right, Sara. You deserve to be happy."
"You too, Grissom," she said, "This isn't just about me." She tried to smile but it was too hard now. "I'll stay two weeks," she said, trying to sound businesslike.
"That won't be necessary," He said calmly, "We'll manage-"
She paused.
"Grissom… I don't have to leave just yet. I have court appearances-"
"Sign everything over to Warrick." He said calmly "He'll handle those."
"I can't do that-"
"Please, Sara." He said not looking at her.
Sara realized that he was barely holding it together. Having her around was too painful, now that he knew he was going to lose her.
"All right," She said softly. She opened her purse and took out several items: her gun, her keys, her cell phone… "I'll hand my cases over to Catherine." She said, "She'll know where to contact me if you need me for a court appearance, or a statement-"
"All right."
Grissom looked at her and for a moment he had a vivid recollection of her kisses and her breathy moans…She looked up at him at the same time, and he suddenly had the feeling that she was thinking the same thing. She looked away first.
"Goodbye, Grissom."
"Goodbye Sara."
When she rose from her seat, he spoke.
"If I had tried to love you, I would have lost you anyway." He said. "And sooner."
"But you don't know for sure, do you?" she asked softly. "And now, you never will."
And then she left.
The rest of the night was a blur. Thankfully, there was work to do. But at the end of the shift, Sara's closest coworkers came to his office, demanding answers to their questions.
"'Why is she leaving?' 'Why didn't you stop her?' 'Is she leaving because Hank is getting married?' 'Why didn't you stop her?' 'Why didn't you stop her' 'stop her... stop her?'"
Grissom silently listened to them and calmly waited until they shut up.
"Please, leave my office."
It took them by surprise. They had expected him to mutter some reassurances that Sara would be back, or that they would be fine no matter what. But the unemotional response was… eerie. It was as if Grissom had spoken from a great distance, so far away that his voice was devoid of any feeling.
He wasn't even pissed off at them for barging into his office.
His words were effective, though. In fact, they were more effective than if he had screamed at them. Catherine, Warrick and Nick glanced at each other and decided to leave quietly. Only Greg remained behind.
"She's my friend, Grissom. I like having her around."
"I know, Greg." He said.
"Can't you stop her?" he said hopefully, "She would stay if you asked her."
"She's made up her mind." Grissom said.
"It just… it won't be the same without her." Greg said mournfully.
"No." Grissom admitted. He looked at the youngest CSI and he felt a little compassion. "She'll be back, Greg." He said reassuringly, "You'll see."
"Are you sure?" he challenged, "She looks like she's serious about this." He stared at Grissom, and then he lowered his voice, "Look, you're my boss and all, but if this is your fault-"
Grissom frowned at the tone and the veiled threat. Greg faltered a little but he didn't back down.
"What did you do to her?" he insisted.
"I didn't do anything." Grissom said softly.
And that was the problem.
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TBC
This story will have two endings; an unhappy one, (fourth chapter) and a happy one.
Thank you for reading!!