I Will Not Fall For Mulder
by Trycee
Time frame: Season 1 thru All Things.
Disclaimer: I do not own the X files, it's owned by Chris Carter and Fox. I wrote this for fun not profit. Scully's Inner Dialogue.
I consider myself a rational person. I know Mulder is not mine but to be honest with myself, I am not sure when I became so jealous. I became attracted to Mulder immediately. Amongst people that knew me like my friends and even my sister Missy, it was no secret that I thought he was cute. I just know that my feelings had crossed the line from pure lustful attraction to being in love with Mulder hardcore but I didn't think I was capable of jealousy, honestly, I didn't. I had promised myself I would never try to pursue anything with Mulder, even if my heart wants me to. I was first aware of the feelings of jealously when I saw him with Phoebe. I have to admit that I was very jealous. Phoebe was brazen, kissing him right in front of me as if she knew I couldn't possibly be his which angered me. She never really looked directly at me either, she just kept her eyes on Mulder, which also greatly angered me. He seemed captivated by her, though I don't know why, She wasn't what I would call, attractive. I dubbed her the Ostrich Lady, though I would never tell him that. Then there was the time he was with Dr. Bambi. I had to collect myself when I saw her. She was both beautiful and intelligent and it was pretty obviously that Mulder was captured by her. I on the other hand was not impressed. I did my best in trying to remain neutral in dealing with Dr. Bambi. I couldn't let him know that just the sight of her irked me.
And then there was Detective Barnes! I knew from the moment she walked up to Mulder and I at the funeral home that I was jealous! She had Mulder's full attention in a way that I didn't. He was practically drooling over her right in front of me! I had never been jealous when women flirted with Jack or Daniel but with Mulder. My God, I could hardly contained myself. I consider Mulder to be mine! I know I don't have a right to be so possessive of him. Its completely out of character for me but when I saw him flirting so openly with her it really angered me. The bleached blond witch was like Phoebe and Bambi before her. They were all Mulder's type. Blond or Brunette, all leggy with large boobs. Not only was I more than bothered by the fact that he was attracted to Detective Barnes but I'm hurt that I was ditched the way he did me. He wasn't concerned about my feelings in any way. He was following her around investigating with her as if THEY were partners instead of him and I. He never picked up the phone to call me to update me on 'our case'. He was off with Det. White doing god knows what! As I paced around my hotel room smoking a cigarette to calm my nerves, something I hadn't done since college, I had a the call alerting me to another death. I immediately rushed to Mulder's room and that's when I heard it, a woman's voice. I didn't even think before I burst through his door and found her straddled on top of him! I thought I was going to be sick!
They had the nerve to look at me like I was disturbing them. Mulder did not look embarrassed in the least! Had it have been me, I would have been mortified. Damn it Mulder, why did I have to see that? It's ingrained in my memory now! Here she was on top of him. On top of him! Kissing him! Thank God they were clothed he hadn't undressed her but I still died inside! I struggled to not run to the car and drive off. I had to maintain some of my dignity and so I walked out, my head and shoulders drooped. All this time of wanting Mulder just for him to pick up some bottle blond and sneak her into his hotel room. I was too done! What made it worst was when Mulder confronted me and had the nerve to tell me that it wasn't what I thought I'd seen. I'm not blind Mulder! I told him I didn't see anything anyway. I couldn't hide the anger and hurt. It was too raw and too late at night. And then he made that crack about my little legs. 'Is that it, Mulder?'. I thought to myself.'I'm not tall like them? I'm a short red head that's not busty enough for you, Mulder?' Then he had the audacity to ask her to ride in the car with me!
What can I say about our little joy drive, me and HER? Hmm. Should I admit the various ways I was thinking of killing her! It was an extremely tense ride. We did not speak at all. There was nothing to say because if I opened my mouth, I was probably going to use every Navy swear word I could remember! But I composed myself as difficult as it was. I had a job to do, despite having to share space on the planet with that woman and Mulder! This entire trip Mulder seemed eager to embarrass me to impress her. I was pissed!
But mainly I hated myself for having feelings for my partner. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love him. I hated that I couldn't control my feelings when he flirted with her. It upset me to see Mulder with someone else. I promised myself I would never fall for another colleague again but every time Mulder looked at me, every time he touched my hand, shoulder or placed his soft fingers to rub against my face, seeing the concern for me in his eyes, my love for him deepens. I know I'm not Mulder's type. I've seen what he likes. I know he would never look at me the way I secretly want him too and that it was hurts the most. Knowing that you are in love with someone but it's unrequited love. I am very aware that a relationship with Mulder would complicate things between us. We're partners, we care about each other because our job is dangerous and we must place our lives in each others hands. What we have is an intense trust and there's nothing more that can come out of that.
For me, Mulder wasn't just some guy I could go on a date with and then ditch if I thought it might not work out. He was my partner, and an intricate part of my soul. I crave his physical touch, his connecting eyes, our quiet conversations without a word spoken between us. I need Mulder like I need air and when he looks at me as if he feels the same way I do, it's like I can breath again. But when he looks at other women that way, it's like the air has been sucked out of my lungs because the reality of it is that he will never be mine! But sometimes, I get the impression that he likes me back!
Why does Mulder have to be so good looking with those broad shoulders, those sultry eyes and the way his his voice lowers when he speaks to me. Why do I seem to lose myself in those eyes? When I see Mulder direct his attentions to women that are so different than me, so not me, it kills me inside! He's not mine! I've told myself that before, but I am so territorial when it comes to him. I've got to get myself together. I'm a strong professional, independent woman damn it! I will not Fall for Mulder. I will not!
And then came the worst one of all, my nightmare! Diana.
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