I sit outside the school and wait for Cass. I told her she could have some time off if she wanted but she's stubborn, a lot like her mother. No matter how much pain she's in she wants to try and carry on like everything's normal. She wants to keep going. She wants to do the things that she's done every day of her life to try and keep her mind off the emotion that's raging inside of her. She seems to be holding it together better than me. But it shouldn't be that way should it? It should be the other way around. I should be the one being strong for her sake, not her for mine. But then she was raised by one of the strongest people I know and I know she's hiding it all for my benefit. Janet used to do the same thing.
My two girls have always known me better than anyone, and when they could sense my heart was heavy they always let me lower my guard. They always made me comfortable enough to let down the walls I put up at work and have been strong and supportive when I've needed it most, but I don't want Cass to feel like she has to be strong at the moment. I don't want her to feel like she has to be strong for my sake and for her to bottle everything up for fear of upsetting me more. I want her to be able to openly grieve. I want her to be able to feel like she can open up about Janet in front of me because I understand what she's going through. I understand the loss she's feeling. Her mother was the most special person in both of our lives and I want us to be able to share that.
It's tearing me apart that she's retreating into herself because she's worried about me. What kind of mother does it make me if she can't come to me when she's grieving? Is that what I am now? Her mother? I've always been a bit unsure as to what I was to Cass. Janet was always her mom. Nothing in the world could change that. I never wanted to change it. It was the way that things were meant to be and I would never ever be able to take Janet's place in Cassie's heart. I'd never want to. But what do I do now? I'm so incredibly lost. Janet and I have lived together for the two years we've been together and we raised Cass between us both those years, Janet as her devoted mother and me...
. What do I do? I don't know what to do here! All I want is to talk to her. To ask her what to do. To let her know that I miss her so much that I can hardly breathe without her. All I want is her.
Cassie appears out of the school gates, her friends looking unsure of what to say to her. Quietly she walks to the car and I can tell she's been fighting back the tears. Her face is pale but her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are red and puffy. She pulls open the door to the back of the car and climbs in quietly not saying a word. Our poor little girl's broken hearted and I don't even know where to begin to try and make her heart start to heal.
"That's moms seat." She says simply in explanation as I look at her get in the back.
I nod and pull away.
Much of the car journey's spent in silence. I wait to see if Cass wants to reach out to me in some way. I wait to see if she cries. I wait for any sign of how she's feeling but she's not giving me one. She's simply sitting there staring out of the window vacantly, a single tear falling from her eyes and rolling down her cheek. Tears begin to well up in my eyes again too. How many tears can you cry for the person you've loved and lost? An eternity it seems.
"It hurts doesn't it?" I comment as we get stuck in traffic, trying to get any kind of reaction from the teenager in the back.
She continues to sit silently, watching as the cars pass ours but not really seeing.
"Everyone sends their love." I tell her. "General Hammond, Jack, Daniel, even Teal'c." I add, once again looking for a reaction and not getting one.
I turn to Janet's seat as if in hope that she'll magically appear and tell me that it was all a dream and that everything's going to be okay. When Cass was upset like this after school Janet always had something to say that would lighten her mood and make her open up. They knew each other so well it was just natural. Janet had such a way with her. But I can't think of a thing to say and I know no amount of wishing is going to make Janet appear and for everything to be all right again.
Sadly I turn back to the road and before I know it we're home and still Cass has still said nothing. I turn off the ignition after we pull into the drive and neither of us move. We just sit there unable to bring ourselves to go into the house without her in it.
"It's not the same without her. There's so much of her in there but she's not." Cassandra says simply looking at the house in front of us.
I nod and clumsily climb from the front seat to join her in the back.
"I don't know what to do here Cass." I admit sadly. "Your mother was always the wise one. I'm not too good at the emotional stuff. I'm trying so hard to be strong for you but I'm just finding it really hard kiddo. I miss her so much and I'm so sorry if you feel you can't open up to me about this because I'm so upset." I then tell her.
"My mothers dead! Maybe I don't want to open up about it! Maybe I just want to get on with things. Maybe I don't want to think about her not being here all the time like you are. That's why you're so upset." Cassie replies angrily.
"Sweetheart I know this hurts. I lost my mother too when I was a little younger than you are now." I tell her.
"Yeah well I've lost two." Cassandra snapped. "How can you possibly have any idea how this feels?"
"Because I loved your mother Cassie, just like you did." I reply finding this conversation extremely difficult.
"You loved her? Don't you love her now?" The youngster asked angrily. "Because I sure as hell haven't stopped just because she's dead."
My heart breaks when Cassie says that. It shatters into a million different pieces and I struggle to stay composed.
"Of course I love her. How dare you say that?" I reply unable to keep the anger from my voice. "I loved your mother ever day of her life, and I'm still going to love her every day she's not here. There isn't anything that can stop me from feeling the way I do about her. Not even death." I reply.
Cassie looks at me shocked. I don't think she's ever seen me angry with her before. I didn't really mean to be then, but she's seen Janet and I together for the past seven years, how can she even question my love for her? My love for Janet and Cassie has been the most constant thing in my life.
"I just...I don't want you to forget about her." She tells me softly. " She was so special. She was so brave and I don't want us to forget how we felt about her while she was alive. Why did she die Sam? Why couldn't any of you save her? She said she'd never leave me..." Cassie whispers to me starting to break.
I put my hand over Cassie's and squeeze it reassuringly.
"Cassie honey Janet never wanted to leave you but from what Daniel's told me...Sweetie she was gone as soon as that staff blast hit her. She didn't even have a chance to fight for her life. It was stolen away from her just like that. There wasn't one of us who could have saved her. Believe me if there was Daniel would have tried to do it. He was there Cass. Can you even imagine what he must be feeling?" I ask her thinking of how haunted he's been and how he's been shutting himself away more and more as the hours pass.
Cassandra shook her head.
"If I could have brought your mother back I would have. If I could have swapped places with her I would have believe me. You and your mother are the most important people in my life. You have no idea how much I love the both of you sweetheart but I do so much. And we'll never forget her Cass. There's no way I could forget her or how I feel about her. She was everything to me, and as for you forgetting her sweetheart you are so much like her. If you ever feel like her memories drifting away from you, you just need to look into your heart because that's where she is now. She's in the hearts of so many people." I tell her honestly knowing just how very true it was.
"I didn't mean to say what I did. I know you're trying, I do. I'm just so scared of upsetting you more that's all. I don't want to lose you too." Cassie reveals.
"Is that what you think? That you're going to lose me?" I ask her sadly.
"You don't have mom anymore. What if I'm not enough to live for?" She asks me timidly.
I take the young woman into my arms and hold her tightly, rocking her gently as I hold her.
"Cassie no matter what you're our little girl. Nothings going to change that and nothing's going to make me leave you. You understand that with the SGC something could happen to me too?"
Cassie nods.
"Good. But I would never leave you willingly and your mom wouldn't have wanted to either. I want you to remember that okay?" I ask her quietly. " And as for you being scared of upsetting me more, Cass I never, ever want you to think that you can't grieve for your mother in front of me. I don't ever want you to think that you have to hide it from me or do it alone. Yes thinking about her not being here upsets me and there are always constant reminders that she's not coming back...and yes its hard, we both know that, but I can't do this alone sweetheart and you don't have to either." I reassure her.
"Do you think mom was brave?" Cassandra asks me softly playing with a loose bit of cotton on the car seat.
I nod, tears welling in my eyes.
"Your mother was one of the bravest people I have ever been blessed enough to meet." I reply, glad that the young woman is opening up.
"I'm so proud of her. Really proud. I wish she knew how proud I was of her every day before...I wish she knew how much I loved her." Cassandra told me bursting into tears.
"Honey of course she knew. She still knows." I reply, remembering how proud Janet was of the young woman Cass had grown into and how she spoke so lovingly about her every day, teenage tantrums or not.
"How do you know? Sam I could be so nasty to her." She tells me regretfully.
"Because she's your mother." I reply simply kissing Cass on the forehead. "And a mother just knows. Besides I've been here when you two have had disagreements. I've had them with you too remember."
Cassie smiles sheepishly through the tears reminding me a little of Jack.
"And I never stopped loving you, so I know your mother wouldn't either. There is absolutely nothing in this world or beyond that could stop her from adoring you. You were the best thing that happened to her." I tell Cassandra stroking her long hair away from her cheeks, which are so wet with tears.
"No, we were." Cassie replies resting her head on my shoulder.
I smile softly.
"Don't push me away Cass. She wouldn't want that." I tell the young woman kissing her on top of her head.
"I don't want it either and I want you to know that she loved you so much." Cassie tells me tearfully. "And I want you to know that I am so proud of you too. And that I love you and I'm going to tell you that every day so if something happens and you have to leave me to be with my mom in heaven... Then you'll know how proud I was to have you in my life." Cassie tells me her body shaking with sobs, mine then joining hers as we cried with pain from the loss of the sweetest woman we had ever known.
"I miss her so much." Cassie whispers to me tearfully.
"Me too sweetheart. Me too." I reply truthfully as the rain began to fall outside and the skies turned grey.