Answer

by Lucy Maria Elmer

Set in season 6 after Heroes Sam Carter tries to deal with the untimely death of her best friend and lover. Femmeslash fic featuring adult themes and character death.

3. Chapter 3

I sit in the lounge, a photo of Janet Cass and me in my lap. It's been two hours since we arrived home and Cass went for a lay down a little while ago, tired from all the tears. I meanwhile am left with my thoughts in a room where so many things remind me of Janet. The blanket she wrapped herself up in, and then both of us when we watched a movie just a few nights ago is still laying on the arm of the sofa. One of her jackets is hanging up on the back of a chair where she left it after a day out and the book she was reading is still on the table with the page she had reached carefully folded over, a book never to be finished. A story stuck in limbo. Cut off in the middle. Cut off like the life of the person reading it.

I look down at the photo I've been staring at for what must have been at least an hour. Janet looks so adorable in it. She has the cheekiest grin on her sweet face and she looks so happy. She had no idea that just a few weeks later she'd be taken away from us. Her life cruelly cut short by an enemy we've been fighting for what seems like forever. She was blissfully unaware of the torment her loved ones would be going through in four short weeks because it had come her time to leave us. She had no idea she was approaching the end of her days.

What would she have done if she had known I wonder? Would she have done things any different? Would she have avoided going to that planet and be here sitting with me now? But then I realise she probably wouldn't have avoided it at all, even if it was to ultimately cost her, her life. Even if she knew that was what was going to happen. Saving lives was her job and she had been needed off world that day. She would have gone no matter what because it was what she did. Because she was brave and caring and dedicated and she lived her life to help others no matter the cost to her personally. There wasn't anything that would have stopped me losing her.

The photo I'm holding is the most recent photo we'd had taken. One of me, Jan and Cass on a day out at the park. I'm sitting by the lake, Janet's sitting between my legs with her back resting against my chest enveloped in my arms, and Cass is sitting in the same position in front of her, wrapped in her mothers arms. I realise that it's the last family photo we'll ever have taken. I then remember the cheeky smile Janet had plastered across her face was because Daniel, who had come with us, had fallen into the lake a few minutes previously and had taken the photo dripping wet from head to toe.

I smile as I look at the happiness that radiated from her in that photo. The happiness which always radiated from her and proved infectious to anyone around her. She was so beautiful when she smiled. She was so beautiful every day, but this photo...this showed the natural beauty that she was so blessed to have. The beauty that I fell in love with and every man on the base was charmed by. A beauty that could never be rivalled in my eyes, Cassie's or probably even Daniels.

I can't believe there aren't going to be any more moments like that. Any more family outings. Any more days where we were just so glad to be in each others company that it didn't matter what we did as long as were together, either as a couple or our family. I can't believe I'm never going to hold that smiling, happy, loving person in my arms like that again, so proud to have her as a lover and soul mate.

More tears quickly replaced the smile that had appeared on my face as I remembered that day. I carefully trace the outline of her face in the picture with my finger, kissing my finger gently and then placing it on her lips. She really is gone isn't she?

Placing the photo gently on the table in front of me and smiling at Janet's face on it I get up and walk over to the chair where she had placed her jacket before all this happened. I pick it up and hold it up to my face. I can still smell the scent of her perfume on it. I breathe it in deeply, comforted for a moment before realising this soon would fade too, and again I cry because I'll never smell that sweet scent on her again. I'll never be able to hold her again.

Things like this are the only reminders I have of her now. The only physical reminders that she was here and part of our lives. A jacket thrown over a chair, a book half read, a perfume bottle with the cap off it, a pair of jeans discarded on the floor, a photo album open after we had been looking through it, a necklace she'd given me a few days before she'd been fatally wounded, a ring I'd bought her that I found on her bedside table now on a chain around my neck.

I would never ever forget her, but I realise as I think of these things that I will never see her doing the things she had loved around the house again. I don't think the house has ever been as quiet as it is now. She filled it with something that could never be replaced.

Realising that I haven't heard any noise from Cass I decide to go upstairs and check on her to make sure she's all right. I go into the kitchen first and splash some cold water over my tear stained face, not wanting to worry her after she had just opened up to me for the first time since Janet's passing. As I'm walking out I look at all the photos on the refrigerator of me and Jan, or me, Jan and Cass, or Daniel and Cass, or Daniel, Janet and me, or other members of the SGC Jan had been friends with, and I realise just how many lives my girl had touched. I smile despite my sadness. Like Cassie, I realise I'm so proud.

I climb the stairs quietly not wanting to wake our daughter if she's asleep. She's had some nightmares during these last few days and I don't want to disturb her if she's sleeping peacefully now. I've been having nightmares too and so has Daniel. His have got so bad I think he's avoiding sleeping and I'm so worried about him. He won't talk about them but I can tell they're affecting him quite badly. I think he's convinced I can't handle hearing about them because what happened keeps playing over and over in his mind and he can barely handle it himself. He's probably right. I don't think I could bear it. Cassie has been talking about her nightmares though and I'm doing anything I can to comfort her. I think my maternal instincts are really now starting to kick in.

I knock on Cass' door and peep my head around it, and then panic when I see the bed still made and that she's not there. I rub my eyes tiredly and pray she hasn't gone out upset like she was earlier. I want her where I can keep an eye on her, not out god knows where while she's grieving for such a big loss in her young life.

I see a light on in Janet's room and mine. Just my room now I think sadly, and I open the door to see Cassie lying on her mothers side of the bed, her face buried in the pillow, crying softly.

My heart aches when I see the pain on her young face and I walk over to the bed and sit down at her side. I rub her back.

"It's okay sweetheart." I whisper soothingly. "You cry okay? You let it out." I tell her leaning down and kissing her cheek.

"It still smells of her." She whispers sadly to me through the tears.

"I know. I've been sleeping on this side ever since... It makes me feel closer to her. I'm clinging on to any part of her I have left." I tell Cassandra quietly.

"You don't think I'm being stupid?" She asks me sounding a lot younger than she is. "Last night I smelt the bottle of shampoo she used because it reminded me of her. It made me feel like she was here again." She tells me blushing a little.

"Of course you're not being stupid sweetie. I actually did the same. " I whisper to her, seeing a small smile appear on her pretty face. . "She was your mom Cass."

"She was a good mom." Cassie tells me wiping her eyes and propping herself up with her elbows.

"She was." I reply nodding. "She was a natural."

"I used to come in here when I was little, when I had nightmares about Hanka. She always tucked me up in here, went downstairs and got me a glass of milk and a cookie and then read to me until I fell asleep in her arms."

I smile. That was my Janet.

"She made this my home Sam. She was my home. No matter how difficult I was being or how frightened I was she did everything she could to make sure I had a happy life her and I loved her every day because of it." Cass tells me sincerely. "I so wish I was little again, and that she was here holding me and this was all a dream."

"I think we all wish it were a dream." I reply climbing up onto the bed next to Cass who rests her head on my chest. "She was my home too." I add. "She had a way of making every day special."

Cassie smiles.

"I don't think there was a day that went by when this house wasn't filled with laughter because of mom."

"Until now." I whisper softly.

Cassie nods.

"It's going to be lonely without her isn't it Sam?" She asks me. "The house just seems so big and empty now."

"It is going to be lonely but we have to go on Cass. As hard as it is to do we have to keep going. That's what she'd want. I bet if she's up there right now it's so difficult for her to see us all like this." I tell the young woman knowing how much Janet hated to see either of her girls struggling and betting if there was a heaven and she was in it that she would do anything she could to come down and soothe us if she was able.

"What's going to happen to me now?" Cassandra asks me sounding a little frightened.

"What do you mean?" I ask her frowning.

"Janet adopted me. She was my mom and I know you're like...am I...I mean...Are you..."

"Cass you're our little girl and I love you. Even though you're not biologically mine or Janet's you've always been considered as ours by the both of us. We'll figure something out ok sweetie? But I promise you I'm not going to abandon you. I'm going to do my best to care of you now okay? We're just going to have to figure out what to do when I'm off world for a long period of time."

Cass nodded.

"I don't know if I'll be any good though Cassie and I can't say I'll always know what I'm doing...I don't even know if I'm doing the right things now." I tell her tearfully.

"You're doing good Sam." She reassures me. "Mom would be so proud." She adds making me lose it all together.

As we both cry in mourning I spot something on the dressing table Jan used to sit at when she was getting ready for bed. I carefully move from where I'm holding Cass and get up off the bed.

"Sam?" She asks. "What's the matter?"

I walk over to the dressing table and find some envelopes each with names on the front in Janet's tiny handwriting. There's one for Cass and me and one for Daniel. Tearfully I make my way over to the bed and show her the envelope addressed to us.

"That's moms writing." She comments running a finger over it. "What do you think it is?" She asks.

"A couple of weeks ago she had a bad dream and as much as I tried to comfort her I couldn't. She never would tell me what the dream was about but she sat up afterwards writing something. It must have been these. I'd forgotten all about it until I saw them just then." I tell her remembering how I'd woken up that night to Janet sobbing in her sleep, then waking up adamant there was something she had to do before she could go back to sleep again. I had never been as scared for her in my life as I was when I saw her like that. Not until now.

"Who's the other one for?" Cassie asks me curiously.

"It's for Daniel." I reply unable to tear myself away from Janet's writing.

"Do you think we should phone him?" She asks. "He should know mom's left something for him, especially seeing as how he's not doing very well."

I cup Cassie's cheek in my hand.

"You're so much like your mother." I tell her kissing her forehead. "We'll phone him after we see what this is okay?" I tell her not wanting to phone him now in case the letter upsets us too much for him to be able to deal with when he arrives.

Cassie nods in understanding.

"Are you okay?" She then asks me softly.

"I'm a bit afraid to open it. I'm scared of what it might say. I mean she wrote this before she died Cass." I tell her.

"She obviously wrote it for a reason. She obviously left it there for us to read." Cass points out.

Slowly I move back against the headboard of the bed and motion for Cass to join me. I put my arm around the young woman and then when I can see in her eyes she's ready I open the envelope to reveal a heartfelt letter written by my lover and Cass' mother as if she'd sensed what was going to happen.

"God Sam...it's like...its like she's trying to comfort us from heaven. It's like she knew." Cass mentions open mouthed as she scans over the letter.

I nod unable to say anything. Since her passing I had never felt Janet as close to us as I do this moment.

"Will you read it to me?" Cassie asks me tearfully, grabbing a teddy bear she had gotten her mother for mothers day and holding it tightly for comfort.

I kiss Cassie on the forehead and clear my throat, and then I begin to read.

To my darling girls...

I'm writing you this letter in hopes that the feeling of foreboding that has been filling my days has been the product of my over active imagination, but with fear filling my heart that it isn't.

There is so much that I want to say to the both of you, but I fear that my time with you from this moment on is going to be brief. So with a heavy heart, but one full of love for both my darling girls, I write you this letter to say the things I may not have time to say to you both face to face.

I had never thanked God more than I have every day since the moment that the both of you were brought into my life. Since you both came along every day has been a blessing for me. My days have been filled with so much love and happiness because of you and I am so thankful you found your way into my life and my heart. You are both so beautiful in heart and soul and I never want you to forget that! Even if I'm not there to tell you every day as I have done for as long as I can remember, know that nothing will ever stop that from being true and nothing will ever stop me believing in the truth of that, no matter how far away from you both I am.

I love you both with all my heart, and if you're reading this and I'm no longer with you I want you to know that not even death is strong enough to stop me from loving you. Know that I will be looking down on you both with eternal love, and pride because of the women you are. Know that I will do all I can to protect you and guide you. Know that I would give anything to be able to hold you and kiss you and soothe you at this difficult time and forever more. Know how it tears me apart to know I may have to leave you soon. I don't know how I know it and Sam please forgive me for not telling you, but sweetheart I just have this very strong feeling something's going to steal us away from each other, and I didn't want you to worry yourself okay? Also know that if you ever need me I will be there. You may not be able to see me, or touch me, or hear me speak, but I will always be at your side. Every time a star twinkles in the sky, every time you see a butterfly in the house, every time the sun breaks through the clouds on a rainy day...that will be me showing you that I'm with you and will always be with you. You're never truly without me my darling girls, just look into your hearts because that's where you'll find me.

I'm so sorry that I have to leave you. I'm so, so very sorry! I only hope that these words can bring some comfort to you. Know that I would never leave you out of choice. I could never willingly leave behind the two most precious things in my life. I only hope that I have brought the same sunshine into your lives that you have done mine. I only hope that I have made you both as proud of me as I am of you.

Cass honey, I want you to know that having you as a daughter has been the most incredible experience of my life. I didn't know my life could feel as complete as it did as soon as you came into it. Watching you grow up into such a beautiful human being has been a wonderful journey for me, and a journey that I will continue to follow even with my passing. I love you so much my baby girl. So, so very much and I am so unbelievably proud of you! I don't think I could be any prouder if I tried. If you ever need guidance know that I will be at your side. When your first child is born and when you get married know that I will be there in spirit. Whenever you call out to me and your heart replies know that I'm there. Know that I loved being your mother my darling daughter and nothing can break that love. If you ever need a thing you go to Sam okay sweetie? She loves you so much and I know that she will take care of you so well, no matter what she believes herself. She is the wisest person I know no matter what she says, and I have complete trust in her ability to watch over you on Earth as I do in Heaven. Look after her for me okay Cass honey? Don't let her bottle anything up inside that pretty heart of hers. She's the love of my life forever and for always and I want you to watch over her for me until we meet again. Don't let my darling break down over this because I am still there with both of you even if it seems I'm not. I love you my angel xxx

Sam...words can't express how happy you made me. No words here seem enough to express how I feel about the both of you. How can words sum up all of the moments that we've shared? The moments that made us the couple we were? The moments that made me fall deeper in love with you every day?

I never doubted that you were my soul mate Samantha Carter. From the very first moment we spoke until my last day I've known with all my heart and soul that you were the person I was meant to be with all my life. I love you so much! So much more than I could ever put into words. I wish with all my heart that I could show you how much I love you, and will forever love you, but it's not meant to be.

I would give anything to kiss you again, to hold you tightly and to have you hold me...This is so hard Sammie! Knowing that you could be reading this and we wont be together any more! Knowing that I may not have fought hard enough for my life! I don't want to leave you honey! I can't bear the thought of leaving you behind. The thought shatters me! But if I have then know that everyday I will be watching over you. Every night I will come and kiss you good night and every morning before you wake I will kiss your eyelids and guide you into the morning. You were my angel while I was with you on Earth, now it is my turn to be yours. I will be there whenever you need me sweetheart I promise you. I'll be there without fail and I hope in some way you can sense that.

Still I can't find the words for you my sweet Sam. I'm trying so hard but words are failing me right now. I just hope you know in your heart how deep my love for you goes. Watch over our little girl for me my darling! Guide her, and help her through this difficult time. You're a wonderful mother to her and I know you can do it by yourself no matter how hard it is for you to contemplate right now. Watching the both of you together is the most wonderful thing and I'm sure I'll be watching you both now with a smile on my face... and sweetheart let her help you too. She's so wise and compassionate...she gets that off you. Take solace in each other. Help each other. Grieve together, but please don't shut each other out. I don't want that. Please keep an eye on Daniel for me too. He was good to us. He stood by us when we were so sure that things weren't meant to be. He supported us and was our rock and we owe him so much. Let him know that I loved him. As a brother and a dear, dear friend. Help him through his grief my girls. I have a feeling he is going to need you even if he doesn't show it. He never was a man to openly admit his grief but I know how easily it haunts him. Let him know I'm with him too and how dear he was to me. Please?

Well my darlings I'm finding this letter harder and harder to write. I fear its never going to really express the strength of my feelings for you both, or the joy you have brought into my life. I am so sorry that I couldn't fight hard enough to stay with my girls but don't let two of Earths brightest stars fade because of grief. When you think of me think of me with a smile. Think of all of the good times we shared. Think of the love that we shared. Don't think of the way that I was taken from you. I don't want my memory to be tainted with sadness my sweethearts because even though I can no longer physically be with you I'm not truly gone. I will live on in your hearts and memories. Live your lives to the fullest my sweet darling girls and remember these words:

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

All my love eternally sweetest Cass and my darling Sammie, Until we meet again amongst the stars in heaven,

Janet...mom xxxx

When I finish I realise that the page has become wet with tears belonging to our beloved daughter and me. My Janet knew... She had sensed that she was going to be taken from us but couldn't tell me. My poor Jan.

I turn to Cass who is sitting there sobbing her little heart out and I pull her into my arms. Never have I read such beautiful words as those in her mother's letter. I knew Janet had a beautiful heart but those words...It was as if I could hear her saying every one of them. I know she believed in the truth of every one of them and that comforts me a little. I know that like she wrote in her letter even if she has left us she'll be sitting up in Heaven with the angels where she belongs looking down on us always and will be with us always if not physically then spiritually. I think we'd both rather she was watching over us here though. I think we'd both rather she was here safe and sound at our sides, the same as before. I think a lot of people would rather that. There's something missing in so many lives that can never be replaced and as that letter shows that something is a person so unique that even in death she's trying to comfort the people she cared for the most.

For once in my life I've seen myself through the eyes of someone who truly loved me and for the first time I saw myself as beautiful. That's a gift I'll never get to thank my angel for and I've never hurt so much in my whole life.

We knew how much she loved us every day we spent with her, I don't know how she could have doubted that she didn't let us know the depth of her feelings because in our hearts we knew...of course we did. We're the ones who now have to live with the fear that maybe we didn't show her enough just how special she was to us.

We now have this letter to reassure us of the depth of her feelings as well as the memories. We have a letter we can read if we ever want to feel close to her. If we ever want to hear her speak to our hearts. But what does she have now? What if she's gone and she can't even know how much she's loved and missed every second that passes. What if we never told her enough and she died not knowing that I believed her to be the one I was meant to be with forever? And what if she died not knowing what a wonderful mother and lover she was? But then does anyone say everything they want to say to the people they love? Or do we all take it for granted they'll always be with us and there'll always be a chance to say what we truly feel, when in reality they could be taken away from us at any time?

I don't think I've missed her as much since her passing as I do now with the realisation this letter's one of the only things we have left of her. The hole in my heart left by her passing now seems to have gotten so much bigger and I didn't think that was possible at all. I thought it was already big enough to let the grief swallow me whole. Reading those words made me feel so close to her. They made her seem close enough to touch, but now I know she really has gone and that somehow she sensed it. What must that have felt like? She must have felt so helpless. Now I'm the one who feels helpless. Helpless because I couldn't save her. Helpless because I couldn't comfort her as she lay there wounded. Helpless because she's now gone forever, a loving mother and partner and I wasn't able to prevent such a tragedy from happening.

I find some comfort in her belief that wherever she is she'll be watching over us and that we'll meet again, but no one knows that for real do they? For all I know her life has just stopped, the essence of her gone forever, never to watch over us, never to guide us... Never to walk with us when we need her the most. How is it fair that someone so incredible and so determined to help people can be taken away just like that? Her life just snuffed out like the flame of a candle burning brightly. I don't understand...

As I feel Cass' sobs subside a little I look down at the teenager laying by my side, her thumb in her mouth like she's small again and the teddy that belonged her mother clutched tightly to her chest. She'll never know how much of a blessing she was to both of us. She'll never realise how complete she made both of us feel. She'll never know how Jan saw Cass' coming into her life as the most profound and beautiful experience. I only hope that with Janet gone I can provide the love and care that our girl needs and I hope that between us we can keep Jan's memory alive.

I kiss Cass tenderly and try to fight the tears burning my eyes as they threaten to fall again. The letter lays on the bed at my side as I cradle the teenager in my arms praying with all my might that I can help her through this...that we can help each other through this grief the lays heavy in our hearts. As I look around the room, trying to focus on anything that would stop more tears from falling my eyes rest on a Polaroid photo on my nightstand of Janet and Cass absolutely soaking wet collapsed on the grass outside in a fit of laughter. I can't help but smile.

"What?" Cass asks looking up at me puzzled.

I pick up the photo and show her.

"Do you remember that day?" I ask her softly, smiling again at the memory.

Cass nods.

"I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life. I had to take a picture." I tell her.

Cassie grinned.

"Mom was so funny. She was just lying there sunbathing wasn't she? Completely oblivious to the fact that the sprinklers were gonna come on."

"She was. It was the first day that sun had been out in weeks and she was so determined to get a suntan. She just grabbed a blanket and went out. I thought she'd remember the sprinklers... I set them to go off the same time every day, especially when I know its going to be warm."

"Instead she lay there and got completely soaked. I was in the lounge reading when I heard her screaming. I thought she'd hurt herself so I ran out, got completely soaked and when I tried to lead her inside..."

"You fell in a giggly heap on the only dry patch of grass." I finish. "She was so cute all soaked like that. You were both so adorable. You couldn't get up for laughing. Things like that always happened to your mom didn't they?"

Cassie nodded smiling.

"There wasn't a day that went by when she didn't do something that made me smile." Cassie replies.

I nod in agreement.

"Can you remember when Uncle Jack and Daniel and Teal'c and us were playing Twister just last week and somehow her skirt got caught up on her heel and she couldn't get up off the floor? And then when we untangled her and she got up she fell over Daniel and ended up on the floor again?" Cass asks me giggling.

I nod nearly laughing at the memory. Daniel had a huge bruise after that.

"How about when we took her rollerblading at the park and she couldn't figure out how to stop? God peoples faces were so hilarious when she went whizzing passed them screaming for us at the top of her lungs..." I reply grinning.

"Yeah its lucky the guy she bumped into was strong enough to catch her when she was going at that speed." Cassie replies laughing.

"How about when she exploded that popcorn in the kitchen? We must have spent at least an hour cleaning that up."

"Yeah while she was in the bath because she said she was traumatised by it all." I say smiling.

Cass then starts to cry.

"We shouldn't be laughing Sam. It's wrong." She tells me. "It's disrespecting mom... Like we're making fun of her when... It's just wrong. We're such bad people." She tells me broken hearted.

I put a hand on Cassie's shoulder and then prop up her chin with my other hand so she's looking right into my eyes.

"Listen to me sweetie, it's not disrespecting her and it's not us making fun. It doesn't make us bad people so don't ever think that it does. She wants us to remember her Cass. Memories are all we have left now. In that letter your mom wrote that she wanted us to remember her with a smile. I know its hard because when you think of all the happy times your heart aches that you're not going to have any more with her, but she was the sunshine in our lives Cass. She brought us joy and we have to remember the times she gave it to us with happiness not with sadness because of what happened. She wants us to grieve sweetie but she doesn't ever want her memory to be tainted by her death." I tell her stroking her hair out of her face, trying to convince myself as well as her that my words were true, but content in the knowledge that those words reflected my darling Janet's wishes.

"It's just so hard Sam. That letter made her seem so close...it made it seem like she was here saying all those words and while they comfort me its just... She had a sense she was going to die Sam...I can't believe she lived her last days with that feeling. I can't believe she's not coming back."

I kiss her forehead unable to believe it myself.

"We've just got to try not to think about that honey."

"She was pretty amazing to do this for us wasn't she?" Cass tells me softly.

"She was. She was amazing every day of her life. She was always one of the most thoughtful and caring people I knew. It's such a Janet thing to do this... Leaving us a letter just so we know how special we were to her and that she'll always be with us. I can't imagine not having her here anymore." I tell her sadly.

"Sam? Would you mind if I read this again alone? I don't want to push you away but...I just..." Cassie starts faltering a little with fear she's upsetting me.

I nod in understanding.

"You know where I am if you need me okay?" I tell her getting up off the bed and walking to the door slowly, then looking back at the young woman who was rereading her mothers words and clinging on to every one as I had done before.

"Love you." She tells me looking up for a moment and giving me a small smile.

"I love you too Cass...for all of my days." I reply as I open the door and leave her alone with her thoughts and her mothers words and walk down the stairs thinking how empty the house was without Janet's laughter before bursting into fresh tears.