I sit outside on the porch, Janet's blanket wrapped around me for warmth against the chilling night air. I put Cassie to bed just a little while ago. She didn't want to sleep in her own room so she's in ours at the moment... Mine now, the teddy bear she was holding earlier still in her arms. The poor kid cried herself to sleep. She's read that letter so many times. To her it gives her a little piece of her mother back and I think she feels that if she stops reading then somehow the memory of her mother, and the feelings Jan expressed in that letter for us, her girls, would just somehow stop. She wouldn't even try to get some rest unless I sat in there with her and held her until she drifted off. She's having such a hard time. I think she's scared she's going to lose me now too. So I waited until she was asleep before coming down here, needing to get some air and needing to get out of the now eerily quiet house that once contained so much joy and laughter.
I can't bear to see her hurting so much. It's hard enough trying to deal with my own grief and the immense loss I feel, let alone the grief of a young woman who in her short life has seen the population of her native planet die including her biological family, then moved to earth and started a new life here with a mother who adored her and who she adored only for that mother to be taken away from her too. How she is coping is beyond me. How she can deal with such loss is beyond me too. It must be so unbelievably difficult for her. All I know is that I'm the closest thing she has left now to a parent and I'm going to do all I can to help her get through this. But how do I do that when I'm not sure how to get through it myself? I love that young woman with all my heart, but now that heart is breaking and I feel so lost.
"I'm not sure I can do this!" I whisper to no-one in particular wrapping the blanket around myself tighter as I feel a gust of wind. "I really don't know what to do here!" I exclaim looking up at the stars shining in the night's sky. "You were always so good with Cass; you helped her through her grief the first time round. I don't know if I can!" I shout tearfully.
"You're doing just fine sweetie." Comes a gentle voice from beside me. A voice that I recognise immediately and which makes my heart beat so fast that I feel as though I'm going to explode.
I turn around to see my lover sitting there, her short hair blowing in the wind, looking so alive but so far away at the same time. As if she's sitting there but not. As if she's caught between Earth and somewhere else.
"I told you I'd be here if you needed me didn't I?" She tells me smiling at me what seems a little sadly.
"But you're not really here are you? This isn't real is it?" I comment taking every detail of her in.
"It's whatever you want it to be honey." She replies looking up at the stars. "What are you doing out here anyway? You'll catch your death." She tells me with a small smile.
"That's not funny." I reply a little sternly. "Besides maybe I want to. At least I'd get to be with you."
"You can't think like that. You have so much more to accomplish in your life. Don't wish it away. We'll be together again Sam...just not yet. It's not your time." She tells me wisely.
"Why did you have to leave us Jan? I want you back so much. Cass does too." I tell her, tears streaming down my face that I wipe away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
"It was my time Sam." She tells me softly, her eyes full of such depth and wisdom that I can't help looking into them, trying to find answers as to why she was taken from me and our daughter.
"I can't accept that. You had so much more left to do in your life. We had so many years left together. How can you say it was your time?" I ask her, the anger caused by our losing her threatening to engulf me. "Did you want to leave us?" I then ask her quietly, holding my breath as I wait for the answer.
"Of course I didn't! Sweetheart I never wanted to leave you. It just happened and nobody could have stopped it from happening, no one. I would never have left you if I'd had the choice but I didn't Sammie. I didn't even have the chance to fight because if I did I would have clung on to my life so hard." She tells me tearfully.
"Were you in pain?" I ask her quietly looking down at the ground and playing with a blade of grass near my feet.
"Only for a second, but then it passed and... I did too." She tells me shuddering a little at the memory.
I reach out to comfort her, and then pull away scared to reach out and not feel her.
"What's it like?" I ask her.
"Just like slipping away. Everything gets so clear for a second, and then it all gets muddled and disoriented and then..."
"And then you're gone." I finish.
"Not really. I mean yes physically I'm gone but I'm always with you sweetheart, in your heart and in Cassie's, and in the hearts of the people that I meant something to. I'll never be gone as long as I'm there." She tells me softly.
"I hate that I wasn't there Jan. I should have been there when..." I start tearfully.
She moves closer to me and I can feel her hand on my cheek.
"What happened Sam, it wasn't pleasant. Honey I would have liked nothing more than to have you with me as I left this world, but maybe its best that you weren't. I wouldn't wish that on you. Poor Daniel..."
"He's not doing so well." I tell her.
She looks down at the ground sadly.
"I know. I wish he didn't have to see that." She tells me regretfully.
"But at least you weren't alone when... At least someone who loved you was there with you."
She nodded.
"I am grateful for that. It makes it easier knowing that he was there and that I wasn't alone. If I couldn't have you there I'm glad it was Daniel."
"God Jan, it's so empty now. Everything is just so empty." I tell her wiping my eyes.
"Hey, it's okay." She soothes rubbing my back.
"But it's not. How can it be okay again? We're not together!" I tell her my heart shattering. "You made me so happy. You made my life so complete and I love you so much, but you're not here. It's not okay!" I shout.
"You think it doesn't tear me apart to know that I can't be here with you? I would love so much just to have one more day with you, one more second with you and Cass where I could tell you both how loved you made me feel or how special every day was that I spent with you. A second where I was alive...not...Do you have any idea how much I love you both? As I was...When I was hit...the clearest thing in my mind the whole time were my feelings for our little girl and for you and how sad I was that I was going to be leaving you behind."
"I just...I don't know how to do this on my own. Jan I'm so lonely. You... were my soul mate and now..." I tell her barely able to find the words.
"You're going to do fine. Sam you have so many people who care about you. You have your dad, General Hammond, Daniel, Teal'c the Colonel and most importantly you have our daughter. She needs you right now so much. You can't keep going on like this. I know you're grieving sweetheart and it's a natural process but you can't keep bottling up your pain and keeping it away from her. It'll destroy you. You don't need to be strong all the time sweetheart."
"How can you tell me that? Don't you want me to miss you? Would you rather I forgot all about you and just moved on?" I ask her angrily.
She looks at me heartbroken.
"I'm sorry Jan. I could never forget you. Not ever." I tell her regretfully, more tears streaming down my face when I fear I've hurt her beyond repair.
"Sam I don't expect you not to miss me. I just... You're such a beautiful person. I don't think you realise it half the time but you are. Every day I woke up with you beside me I thanked god that I had you. Don't you think it's a waste if a person so beautiful gets so engulfed in grief that she cant focus on anything or anyone but that? All I want is for you and Cass to take solace in each other. I want you both to be happy again. I don't want you to self-destruct, because sweetheart whether you admit it to yourself or not that's where you're heading. I just want you to be happy and when you think of me I want you to be happy not sad like this. I don't want you to think you can't carry on without me because I know you can."
"But what if I'm a bad..."
"Mother? Sam there is no way you're bad. You've been like a mother to Cass as long as I can remember. You're a natural. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think that of you when I saw you with her."
"But you were her mother not me." I reply.
"Honey you were too, just as much as I was. Don't be scared of motherhood. You have to embrace it and I know you can do it. You both need each other so much right now. I want you to take care of her and I want you to take care of yourself." She tells me softly.
"I miss you." I tell her simply. "I miss lying in bed at night talking to you until sunrise. I miss holding you and feeling you there in my arms. I miss kissing you. I miss you kissing my eyelids every morning as I begin to wake up. I miss everything about you. I miss us. I really miss us." I tell her meaning it with all my heart, not knowing how I'm going to adjust to not having her here with me anymore and wishing so much for all of those things.
"I know you do. I do too more than you can ever possibly know, but it'll get easier and then one day, when your time comes we'll be together again. Until then I want you to be happy sweetheart okay? I want you to watch over Cass for me and I want you to be happy. I can't stand seeing you like this." She tells me concern shining in her deep brown eyes.
"I can't stand you not being here with me so I guess we're even." I reply.
She smiles.
"Promise me that you'll remember me Sam." She tells me remembering my earlier statement, an extremely sad expression coming onto her face.
"How could I forget you Jan? How could I possibly forget you?" I tell her. "You're the love of my life. There's never going to be anyone who could replace you. No one can even come close. My heart belongs with you, nowhere else. You're so beautiful and kind and loving...and I've never loved anyone as much in my life."
"You've got to give yourself more chances to sweetheart...in time. I don't want you to ever be lonely. A person like you should never be lonely." She tells me taking my hand in hers and kissing it softly leaving me amazed that I can feel my hand in hers and feel her lips touching it.
"You had no idea how beautiful everyone thought you were did you?" I ask her. "They say that beauty unaware of itself is the most beautiful don't they?"
She nods looking up at me, her eyes wide.
"That was what we all thought of you. You were so unaware of how loved you were and how beautiful that you were that it made you even more special to all of us. You touched so many lives Jan, you truly did. There's a hole at the SGC now that can never be filled. It's just not the same you know?"
"Thank you." She tells me quietly her eyes full of unshed tears.
"It's true. You were our angel on Earth...now you are in heaven." I tell her smiling softly.
She smiles back.
"I've never been an angel." She tells me cheekily. "You know that better than anyone." She adds making me giggle.
"Jan you do know how much I love you right? How I woke up every single day feeling like the luckiest woman in the world that I had you to spend what I thought then would be the rest of my life, with? I love you so much that it feels like my heart's going to burst sometimes." I tell her sincerely.
"Of course I know that. I always knew it." She replies, her brown eyes sparkling like tiny stars.
"Cass and I were just so worried that you died and you didn't know how important you are to us. We were so scared that we didn't tell you enough how much we loved you because we did Jan, so, so much." I reassure her.
"I already knew. I knew that without words. Some things you don't need words for... And with us...it was always as if our hearts spoke to each other and we didn't need to say a thing." Janet reassures me. "But you did tell me every day my darling, you couldn't have done much more than that."
I smile.
"You know how much you both mean to me don't you? How I adored the time I got to spend with you however brief it ultimately was. How I loved you both more than life itself." She asks me.
"Of course... There wasn't a day that passed when I didn't know that, and I'm sure there wasn't one where Cassie didn't know it either. Every day you found some way to show us, and you're right we didn't always need words. In my heart I just know..."
"Then you'll know how hard this is for me Sam. I hate being apart from my two wonderful girls. It feels like...I don't think I can describe it. All I know is it hurts...if I can hurt now..." She then adds frowning.
"For me it's like my heart calls out to you every second, but yours can't reply anymore...if that makes sense." I tell her.
Janet leans over and kisses me on the forehead and I shiver.
"It makes perfect sense. But Sam when your heart calls, trust me that I can hear it and that I'm there. You may not be able to see me, but I'm there sweetheart and I always will be until you don't need me anymore."
"I'll always need you." I reply quietly.
"Well then you'll always have me watching over you. Sweetheart I am okay you know. Where I am, I'm okay. You have nothing to be scared of. You don't need to worry for me. I'm safe now. I'm not in any more pain."
I nod unable to believe I'm having this conversation with my deceased lover.
"It doesn't make it any less hard though Jan. Knowing you're okay means so much to me...but nothing's going to bring you back is it?"
She shakes her head.
"No it's not, but I promise you anytime you see the sun coming through the clouds on a dull day. Anytime you feel the wind caress your face. Anytime you feel something brush against your skin, or you feel your lips tingle...Anytime you sense something's different but can't place what that feeling mean it's me showing you that I'm with you and how much I love you."
She moves closer to me and puts her mouth to my ear.
"I'll always be close by my sweet Sammie. I'll always be watching over you and guiding you. I'm only a heartbeat away if you need me. Just close your eyes and talk and I'll be there. I'm never far away I promise you my darling and my love will be with you and Cass always... And the love I have, for my two girls and the love I received from the both of you... it will never leave me."
I reach out a hand and can feel her cheek against my palm but it's colder somehow.
"My time here's getting short Sam; I'm going to have to leave you soon." She tells me, closing her eyes as she feels my touch. "I just wanted you to know that I was okay. I wanted to give my blessing for you to be happy. I wanted to let you know so many different things but most of all I wanted you to know that I'm safe and that I love you both so very much."
"We know. We've always known. Jan we found the letters..." I tell her quickly. "Hon why didn't you say anything to me about the fact you..." I start getting tearful again, unable to bear the thought that she had sensed the inevitability of her death. And not told me.
"Hush now." She tells me stroking my cheek. "Hey, do you remember the night we had that barbeque when we first got together and everyone came over. We had such a good night and everyone stayed until about one in the morning and we all just sat here on blankets just talking and singing along to the radio?" Jan asks me.
I nod and smile as I remember that night. One of many happy nights that we spent together.
"Yeah and Jack set fire to his apron while he was cooking the meat..." I add remembering Jacks face.
"And Cass had to hose him down." Janet finished laughing a little as she remembered Cass panicking and grabbing the hose, completely soaking Jack and the barbeque as she put the flames out.
I nod again smiling.
"Do you remember how when everybody went home and we put Cassie to bed we came back out here and there was the most beautiful song playing on the radio...and we just danced under the stars, even long after the song stopped?" She then asks me.
"Yeah. That was the happiest moment of my life that night, seeing you so beautiful and holding you in my arms under the starlight, knowing that you were mine."
"I'll always be yours." She replies sincerely. "It's one of many beautiful memories I have of us...maybe the most beautiful because I knew that night that I'd found the person I'd been waiting for my whole life. It felt so right there in your arms. Like we just fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I know that you'll not get to hold me in them again, not like before...but I want you to know that as long as you remember times like that and as long as you remember us...I'll always be alive in a way."
"I love you." I tell her sincerely taking both of her hands in my own, still amazed that I can feel them in mine even though I know she really is not of this Earth anymore. "You'll always be in my heart." I then tell her.
"And I love you." She replies pulling me into her arms. "Remember me with a smile okay? Not with the sadness that comes with my passing. I don't want to see that pretty face and heart in pieces because of me." She whispers. "Watch over Cass and Daniel for me sweetheart okay?"
I nod tearfully, able to sense that she was going back to where she had come from. Wherever that place is that we go when we die.
"And know that I didn't want to leave you baby. I so didn't want to leave you or Cass. I'd do anything to be back here with you always." She replies sobbing.
"I know." I reply running a hand through her soft hair. "Honey I know." I whisper kissing the top of her head.
"And please... tell Cass I love her so much and that I'm so sorry I had to leave because Sam I am." She says honestly.
"Sweetie like you said what happened to you just happened. You couldn't have done anything differently to have stopped it. You were doing your job. You didn't have a chance." I soothe tearfully. "I know you didn't. Daniel told me." I tell her thinking of how haunted Daniel had become since that day.
"I so wanted that chance. Maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe then I wouldn't have to leave you again. Sam I'm so scared of being without you." She tells me. "And Cassie. I love that girl so much."
"Sweetheart you said you'd always be with me in my heart and that as long as I have your memory then you'll be alive. It's the same where you are. As long as you remember, you'll never be alone."
"I will always be with you two. Always." She tells me as she begins to fade.
"Goodbye my angel." I whisper softly. "Thank you for seven of the most memorable and wonderful years of my life. Thank you for loving me."
"I won't ever stop. I'll never stop loving you and Cassie, not ever. Until we meet again in the stars my Sammie..."
I break down in tears and when I look up she's gone. Whether what I just experienced was real or not I'll never know, but I do know one thing and that is that love continues from both sides even when one person moves on in death. I also know that Janet Fraiser's spirit will forever be watching over me, our daughter, and her friends at the SGC.
Even in death my lover tried to comfort me and that is something that I'll never forget and that will continue to comfort me in my grief. I've felt so blessed for the past seven years that I've known her and whatever just happened has left me with the knowledge that maybe, as people say, when we pass on there is another life for us. Maybe the people we have loved and lost do watch over us and are with us always; still loving us back even in death.
I know that things are going to be difficult from now on for me, for Cass and for all the lives that Janet touched with her sweet smile, caring nature and bubbly personality. I also know that Jan wants me to carry on and how important it is to her that the memory of her life isn't tainted by the incidents surrounding her death. She wants me to be the kind of mother she knows I can be and she wants me to live my life to the fullest until the day we meet again wherever she is now. I know that she wants me to keep her memory alive and I know that there is no chance of me ever not keeping her memory alive because she means too much to me.
Janet taught me to really love and she enabled me to see myself through her loving eyes. That's a gift I'm eternally grateful for and it's a gift I intend to pass on to our daughter. While it's so empty in my life without her, I can draw comfort from the fact that within me and our little girl she'll live on, and while this grief is going to be with me for the rest of my days, I know that I'll never truly be without her. The depth of her love will remain forever with me and with Cass and with everyone whose lives she ever touched.